Disclaimer: I do not own Shingeki no Kyojin / Attack on Titan nor its characters.

IMPORTANT Note: This is a continuation from my other fanfic, "Pain, Pills and No Peace". It's somewhat of a series (?) about PLATONIC Hanji and Mikasa. In this fanfiction however, it'll also be about the bonds they have with other people. (Mikasa and Eren, Levi and Hanji). It will also contain some references from "Pain, Pills and No Peace", though you don't necessarily have to read it to understand the events occurring here.


"What is he to you?" Accidentally, those words fell out her lips before she could even think twice.

An interrogation ensued.

Mikasa tensed, realizing she had gotten a little too ahead of herself. However, once those words left her lips, the first gear was already set-in motion; there was no turning back, no retracting back the question. For that question, upon verbalizing it had sparked something within her. Curiosity. The desire to understand, to comprehend, to wrap her head around what he had said to her before his abrupt departure.

Why had he asked her such a question? Out of all people, why did it had to be him? Did he even know what that question meant to someone like her? And then why did he leave soon after? Did she give him the wrong answer? What if her answered had differed? It might not have changed Eren's decision completely, but it would've changed something— and that would've been enough for her.

It would have changed something. That was the most devastating part of it all.

Perhaps deep down in her heart, behind her barricade of denial, she knew the answers to all those whys. Or maybe she didn't. Or maybe it was because of the overwhelming accumulation of emotions that had built up in that singular brief moment that made her so… confused?

Was that the word? Mikasa didn't know.

What she did know, was that she was lost.

It was just too much. The emotions back then, and the emotions she felt now differed greatly. For the worse.

Now, she just wanted answers. She wanted to be spoon fed the answer to all these frustrating things circulating in her mind that had long been taunting and haunting her. She wanted the answer to all her questions to be slapped across her face, because no matter how brutal they could be, at least she would know something. Then maybe something would change.

Or… was it too late?

"…What are you talking about…?" Hanji queried, lost as to what Mikasa was referring to. The switch in the topic was abrupt, Hanji noted, unsuspecting of the sudden interrogation Mikasa sprung on her moments after. Little did she know the predicament this Ackerman would trap her in.

"What is Captain Levi to you?" Mikasa specified curtly, turning towards her direction in anticipation. That demanding, piercing look in her eyes was startling, even to Hanji who found herself taken aback by the change of her attitude. Yet, there was something in those same eyes that called for Hanji's sympathy; was it just a tinge of sadness? Or was it a dam waiting to break should Hanji give an answer that she did not want to hear. Either way, she appeared to be desperate.

Though, while Hanji noticed all these little things about the shift in Mikasa, her brain was still processing the question she had just asked. When it finally registered that she was referring to Levi, her eyes started to blink nervously.

E-Eh? W-What is she—

The increasing intensity in Mikasa's eyes did little to nothing to ease her nervousness; evident by her excessive blinking when it finally hit her just what Mikasa meant.

"E-EHHH?!" She exclaimed, her eyes no longer blinking, instead they shifted around the room with much anxiousness. Looking everywhere but the tea Levi had brewed for her. She couldn't bear to look at it, not when… "W-WHAT—"

The growing flush in her cheeks were enough of a signal to Mikasa that she must know something. Some sort of answer. Anything at all.

After all, that day when Eren had posed her with that question, her very own cheeks had the very same color.

"Is he a friend?" Mikasa pursued, standing up and moving closer to Hanji, who frankly found her boldness quite shocking in more ways than one. Rarely, did Mikasa ever act out, much less challenge her superiors. Unless, of course, it involved the people she held dearly in her heart.

And this involved him. Out of all people, it had to involve him.

She must know something… Mikasa thought. Considering… that day in the forest…

The redness in Hanji's cheeks; whereby the sun wasn't the culprit.

She must've understood right? She must've understood something that Mikasa didn't and couldn't. Hanji was an intelligent woman who was older than her, leading Mikasa to conclude that she must have had some sort of… experience that brought about epiphanies of her own; epiphanies that Mikasa would never be able to have, at least not during this period of unrest and restlessness.

So, she must understand, right?

"W-Where is this com—"

"Or is he…" Mikasa hesitated, "… family?"

"I'm not your kid brother"—He always said that, and while Mikasa never voiced it out loud, she never believed she ever intentionally treated him like a younger brother either. To her, yes, while he was family, the word 'family' in Mikasa's dictionary was entirely different from many others. Because to Mikasa, family just meant someone she could return home to.

Eren was someone she could return home to. Ah, his warmth, his comfort, his protection—Mikasa never would've guessed they were all fleetingly futile. Somewhere along the line, she had lost her way home… or, perhaps, her home just wasn't there anymore.

It was something Mikasa refused to acknowledge completely, or maybe at all.

"What am I to you?"—however, that question he asked her demanded a different answer that he hadn't yet heard from her. By that time, Eren already had matured enough to understand what family meant to Mikasa. What he wanted to know then was what he meant to her; what made her bond with Armin and his different—after all, she had considered Armin family too. Armin was a part of her home, and she loved and cared for him deeply.

But she never looked at Armin the same way she had looked at him. She felt something for Eren, that was entirely different from what she felt from Armin. And that difference in emotion, was what Eren needed to hear.

But he didn't.

So yes. He was family. But, he was also…

"F-Family?" Hanji stuttered, backing up a few steps when Mikasa cornered her. Her cheeks were burning, and she wondered how she ended up in this situation where a cadet was cornering her. Was her authority in question? Heck, since when was Mikasa this bold? Hanji didn't know nor could she understand whatever was running through Mikasa's mind that made her think asking something quite personal was an alright thing, not while she was enclosed in this uncomfortable, intrusive moment that she had found herself in. Just what had been happening to this girl? First, it was the pills, and now…

However, regardless of the events of the past that remained imprinted in Hanji's mind which had left her both concerned and confused about the Ackerman in front of her, that direct, confrontational question of hers caused her to be at a loss for words. It was one of those rare times where someone as chirpy and chatty as her was left so speechless, unable to find an answer or try to answer. Her brain and everything else were frozen. Needless to say, processing Mikasa's question was hard enough.

Processing the answer on the other hand, deemed to be a much more challenging task. It wasn't hard, it felt impossible—to Hanji, at least, in this panicked moment. Because it wasn't something her intelligence alone could solve by itself, or at all. That task, was the job of the heart—her heart, that Hanji found to be racing; just like the thoughts pacing about in her mind.

What… is Levi to me?

"Family… is not exactly it." Hanji mumbled, biting her lip. Oh, how she wished there was a textbook answer for her to use or reference. That would've made so much things easier not just for her, but Mikasa too. All of life's, or more specifically—the heart's complications could've been simplified. Unfortunately for the both of them, such a thing didn't exist. And that was how they found themselves in this predicament.

"Then?" Mikasa pushed. Evidently, the strong desire of hers for answers numbed her sense of awareness. For Mikasa was completely unaware of the boundaries she stepped, trampled on and crossed on Hanji's part. "Then what is he?"

"Is he something more?" Mikasa dared venture. Strange enough, Mikasa herself could feel her heartbeat's rhythm increasing the more she asked.

It seemed like the interrogation wasn't just directed at Hanji, but at herself too.

'Family… is not it'—Mikasa somehow found herself resonating with those words. Was Eren something more to her, too?

"S-Something more?" Hanji stammered. She could've sworn she felt her heart nearly burst out of her cardiovascular system when she actually understood what she was implying by that question. The possibility of something more. The possibility of something beyond camaraderie between two veteran soldiers, beyond a long, tight and old friendship. The possibility of it all evolving into…

The forest. That day. They had been so close that day, physically speaking. However, whatever existed between them then and now had been closer, emotionally.

They did not kiss, despite the perfect moment that had been graciously and generously presented to them in this horrid, cruel world. Despite both of them noticing the redness of their cheeks, both of them internally blaming the sun even though deep down they both knew the fault didn't belong to the orange glow in the skies but themselves.

The fault, in all actuality, was that both of them did consider that same 'something more' Mikasa mentioned. At some point, that thought crossed both of their minds perhaps for a brief moment—or maybe even longer than either party would like to admit— for a few times or maybe more than either of them would ever admit out loud or even to themselves. That was why neither of them could tear away their gaze for the longest time; why those gazes of theirs contained immense and intense emotion in that moment that they had been keeping in for so long because both of them didn't know how to articulate it at all.

That was why both their cheeks were painted red.

The feelings they were developing then were mutual. Yet, neither of them made a move. Neither of them spoke of it ever again. Even when they were reminded of that day thanks to the innocent sun hanging in the sky, they said nothing. However, at least for Hanji… she would notice that same redness fading onto his cheeks when she was there with him, together being reminded of that wonderous day.

Then, she would notice how her cheeks had a similar shift in its color.

And like before, they internally blamed the sun despite knowing it was innocence. Though, if one of them dared to be bold that day, or was in the mood to be playful, they would poke fun at the other for the blush they had, even if they had the same exact one, for the same exact reason. Even so, that playfulness and teasing never went far. If it had, maybe Hanji could've given Mikasa the answer she needed to hear.

They didn't kiss then. Hanji didn't remember how long they stared at each other's eyes with such admiration and with such yearn even though they were right next to each other, leaning in closer with the excuse of wanting to get a clearer look of the other's eyes. Only when they were inches away from a kiss, did they stop. Hanji never knew why he didn't move any closer… it wasn't like she would have mind it.

Though, she didn't know why she didn't move any closer either; even when all this time, it was mostly her who initiated the closeness. The intimacy.

What Hanji did remember, was that when they headed back from the forest, they kept their hands intertwined till the very last moment.

They didn't kiss then and they hadn't kiss till now. While their lips didn't connect with one another then, their hearts did. And because it did, those feelings never stopped. It never died down. It grew, grew and grew until…

"T-That's—!"

The sound of a metal spoon clinking against a glass cup echoed from the surface, and along with the spiral of stairs, it spiraled down and echoed into room; an alert which Mikasa took, backing away from her commander who finally had some air to breathe.

Entering the room was the grumpy man who had another cup of the same tea he brewed in his hand, setting it down in front of Mikasa. At first, Mikasa had assumed he had thought Hanji would need more cups of tea to soothe her stress—it was the same cup of tea she had more or less taught him how to make back then, for one of the few remaining people he cared for.

That same person who he cared for, was still catching her breathe. It took her a few seconds to register that Levi was now in the room, in close proximity with her. Though there wasn't that scenery that would throw both of them back to reminiscing, a blush formed on her cheeks. This time, the fault partially rested on Mikasa's heavy question.

It was only when Levi nodded his head to her, did Mikasa realize that it was meant for her.

"You better not stay up too late, brat. You still have responsibilities tomorrow." And it seemed like that tea was served with a side of grumpiness; much to Mikasa's distaste. Though, when he turned to Hanji, something softened. It wasn't the tone, which at least to Mikasa remained stern and firm. It wasn't the look in his eyes, which matched his sternness, appearing strict. Though, Mikasa would preferably call it his signature agitating look.

But something softened. Perhaps she couldn't pinpoint what it was because what connection they shared was only between them. Though, she could feel it, and because she did, she felt like an intruder. An unwelcomed guest. She would leave if she could. However, Levi didn't give her time to.

"And you." He nodded towards Hanji, whose head snapped up apprehensively, accompanied by a nervous chuckle. "Don't overwork yourself. You know the consequences."

Turning his heel, he left before either one of them could reply.

Mikasa slowly tilted her head downwards, her attention turning to that cup of tea for a moment, then to Hanji's own cup of tea. She then scoffed. A glance at the shade of the tea and a whiff of the aroma that slowly enveloped the air around them was enough to tell Mikasa that they were different.

While hers smelled like something she treasured from the past, Hanji's had this faint minty scent floating around. He had altered her drink to better suit her preference. It was something so trivial, so easily missed.

Something Mikasa was sure that someone like Hanji didn't miss.

Looking back up, she took notice of her commander's frazzled appearance. How tense her shoulders were. How it looked like a million questions ran through her mind after being confronted by one, brazen question: What is he to you?

"I'm sorry." Mikasa quickly apologized when she realized how many of Hanji's boundaries she trespassed. Bowing her head, she continued, "I apologize, I didn't mean to… interrogate you. I stepped out of lin—"

"I-It's fine Mikasa! Lift your head!" Hanji reassured, "Geez… springing crazy questions out of nowhere… that's my thing, you know! Next time, I'll give you a penalty!" She joked lightly; a frail attempt in lightening the atmosphere. "It's just… why ask me that I… I mean… what's going on, you know? To my knowledge, I don't see you have an outburst like that unless you were on the battlefield… but still… it's different… not to mention, that one time you wanted to numb your pain with a little too much of those pil—" Hanji had stopped herself when she saw her flinch, and she was considerate enough to cut straight to the point right after. "Is everything… alright?"

"It's just us two of us here now… if you don't need a commander breathing down your throat—then right here, right now… I'm just Hanji Zoe." She continued when Mikasa didn't reply immediately, and then smiled to reassure her even more. Her smile was warm.

And Mikasa found some solace in that warmth.

"…I… just… bonds are confusing." That was the summarized version. It would take more than a night for her to be able to properly articulate it all; her stress and distress—and not just about that man, but the people around him who had been affected by his unexpected and unannounced departure. While he was someone important in her life that she treasured so dearly, her entire world didn't revolve solely around him. There was Armin too. Sasha, Jean, Connie and so on… every day, she could sense something changing within them. It wasn't just their emotions. It was more of… like each day, bits and pieces of the entire puzzle titled 'epiphany' gradually assembled. And it frightened her, about what that epiphany might be.

"…Is that all?" Hanji asked.

"It's… a part of the puzzle." Mikasa admitted. "Regardless, I shouldn't have… interrogated you like that. Whether you were my superior or just 'Hanji Zoe', it wasn't… a nice thing to do."

"Well… at least you know that! Sheesh!" Hanji shook her head, a small laugh following after as her arms crossed. Her shoulders started to relax once her back had leaned against the wall behind, providing support for her stance. "…But you know… what you said…"

When she trailed off for too long, Mikasa motioned for her to continue. "…What I said?" Did she have an answer? Mikasa couldn't help but wonder, a little too hopeful.

"I cannot help but agree!" Hanji groaned, a hand brushing through her hair, before resting on her sore neck. "It's confusing, no— it's annoying! Irritating! All of it!" She exclaimed; her tone was no stranger to that of agitation as her eyes fixated on the cup of tea Levi had just given to her. Such menial, little gestures they had done for one another weren't the least trivial in Hanji's heart. It wasn't as if they hadn't acted on the rage of emotions swelling within them; albeit admittedly, it was only through subtle little things. Maybe that was why aside from those subtle actions they displayed for one another that garnered a sense of heartwarming feelings, it could sometimes be frustrating. Perhaps it was just her who felt that way—she was always the type to impatiently desire more after having a brush of something so addictingly beautiful.

Bonds were confusing, Hanji knew. Because no matter how close she was to him, no matter how much she knew—or rather, thought she knew about him…

Right now, she would not be able to know what was going on his heart. The matters of the heart were such a complicated thing that had intrigued the scientist every now and then, although she never exactly delved too deeply into it.

She couldn't.

How could she, without him?

Without him, who had yet to admit to anything; or to deny anything.

"I wish I could understand! But… I can't. For the most part, I can't." She sighed, facing Mikasa with a peculiar softness in her eye. "That's why… I can't give you an answer, Mikasa. I'm sorry. Even if I could… our predicaments are different, don't you think?" She smiled right after. It looked tired, but teasing. Regardless, it was enough to make Mikasa flinch and take a wary step back.

At this point, it shouldn't have surprised Mikasa that Hanji had figured who might be the person that forced all these questions unto her. It could only be one person. It was so blatantly obvious. And yet, she found herself caught off guard; maybe slightly embarrassed, and then a tinge of guilt started to disperse within her.

After all… no one really wanted to talk about him, right? Even if they did, it was either uncertainty or resentment that left their lips. And the more days that went by without a message from him, without a word or anything, the worse words about him became.

Out of all people, the commander who had the most weight on her shoulders probably wouldn't want to talk about him. Mikasa should've known. She should've been more considerate. She wished she wasn't dying so desperately for answers.

"… I'm sorry." Slowly, and with much sincerity, Mikasa bowed her head apologetically. "I shouldn't have… brought him— I… Let's just get—"

"It's okay." Hanji had cut her off, taking a swift step forward as her hand now found itself giving a pat on the ravenette's head. "You're human too, you know, Mikasa? Sometimes you remind me of him… he forgets it too…" She whispered the second sentence quietly, though to no avail Mikasa caught what she said. Despite that, she chose not to question it. Not after how she unintentionally cornered her; that and Hanji's sudden head pat was enough to stun her with much surprise. "Nothing wrong with having emotions… even if it's selfish. I mean, humans can be like that…you know?" She continued, droning the last parts of it out.

Like many others, Hanji had some knowledge of the relationship Mikasa and Eren had. She wasn't exactly sure what it was, nor was she ever that interested given that her focus had been more directed towards the matter of science, and perhaps towards a certain person.

With that said, while Hanji did have… questions for Eren and had her own feelings towards the whole chaotic matter sparked by that Jaeger, she never held anything against those who still had faith and hope for that man. It wasn't like he had spiraled out of control or lost all his common sense and sanity, right?

Right?

Even she had some tiny ounce of faith that he had his own justifiable reasons for his abrupt, unplanned departure.

"… I have my own set of feelings towards him and what he did… but it's different. For everyone, it's different… we all see things differently. Regardless, whatever is in store for the future… I hope you won't be too blinded by emotion, no matter how difficult it may be." Her hand departed from her head, arms now crossing. "Logic tends to get watered down when there's too much emotion, it blurs the lines between rationality and irrationality… we're all no strangers of it."

Mikasa wondered if she referred to Armin.

She decided not to ask.

Or was she referring to something else? To someone else? Or was it about the possibility that the path that he was on now, led to nothing but destruct—

No. Mikasa stopped herself, a sharp pain suddenly piercing through her mind, shattering all its fragility. A hand of hers was quick to rise, pressed against her head to soothe it. I mustn't think this way.

"Mikasa?" Hanji frowned, approaching her with concern when she appeared to be in pain. "Are y—"

"I'm fine…" Mikasa reassured, although the wince that came after she finished her sentence said otherwise. "… It's just very late. We should… finish this." Her free hand gestured to the table where notes were scattered, cluttered along with bits and pieces of mechanical parts they were yet to assemble or take apart.

"Ah… you're right." Hanji nodded. Perhaps I had hit a nerve… She thought quietly, well aware that this was Mikasa's attempt at switching the topic. Maybe—

"…However… I understand what you mean." Mikasa muttered, her hand finally relaxing when the pain started to subside when a wave of past memories instinctively came washing in, acting as her own substitute painkillers. "If that happens… I will bring Eren back."

Hanji's eyes widened, because it was the first time Mikasa said his name verbally. She had thought voicing his name directly was something of a taboo; something too soon.

If it weren't for the determination and firmness in Mikasa's voice when she proclaimed her own promise to herself, Hanji might have mistaken her claim for something simpler—like physically dragging Eren back to Paradis to get a long, stern lecture by everyone he knew.

Mikasa didn't mean just that.

She wanted to bring Eren back.

What a metaphor… Hanji thought, finding this trait of Mikasa's to be admirable in a way. "I'll count on you then, Mikasa."

"…And… one more thing."

"Hm?"

"…Help me thank Captain Levi later on, for this. I didn't get the chance to." Mikasa spoke, motioning towards the cup of tea Levi had made her. "You'll be… seeing him later, after this, right? For…" Her trailing off had given Hanji the wrong idea.

Hanji flinched. "E-Eh?" Surely, when she started to trail off, Mikasa Ackerman didn't think her and Levi saw each other later in the night to—

"That day I walked in your office to deliver things…" Mikasa mentioned, "Your expression… told me I wasn't the Ackerman you wanted to see." She smiled a little, while it wasn't meant to be teasing but Hanji couldn't help but feel teased in a way.

"I…I…" Hanji didn't even know how to respond, and eventually resigned. "I'll give him your thanks."

Mikasa nodded, taking a sip of her tea before placing it aside and away from the objects on the table that threatened its fall. Hanji watched as she arranged the necessary materials, and she went on her way to organize her notes before they were to resume the work.

Mikasa took a glance at Hanji, noticing her eyebags. "Are you tired… Commander?"

"…No." Hanji answered, with much hesitation that it was hard to miss. As the Commander, she still had duties and responsibilities to deal with. Frankly speaking, she didn't have the time to be tired. She barely even had time to sort out her personal life; it wasn't until Mikasa started to ask her about her relationship with Levi did she finally have some room to think about it—but alas, she didn't have an answer.

As the Commander, she had an image to protect. She couldn't present herself exhausted, at least not in front of her subordinates, the people who demanded answers and solutions from her day after day; looking to her as if she were some sort of machine. After all, any sign of flaws would result in scrutiny and an upheaval of worry from the people that Hanji just didn't want to deal with.

Perhaps it wasn't just the Ackermans who could sometimes forget that they were human, too.

"Ah, I see…" Mikasa murmured with a look of understanding that Hanji failed to catch, before continuing with much softness, "Then… are you tired, Hanji?"

Hanji paused, scoffed and then let out a little laughter. This Ackerman, I swear…

"Yeah… a little." Momentarily, she placed her notes down. "What about you, Mikasa?" She asked back, with a softness akin to Mikasa's.

"A little, but… it's… a little better than last time." Mikasa confessed.

"That's good to know." Hanji smiled, before taking in a deep breath. "Well then! Let's get back on track… so now…"

As they worked into the night, the atmosphere surrounding two differed. After that conversation the two women shared, the air between them was more comfortable, lighthearted even, with more laughs than seriousness throughout the entire process of figuring out the mechanisms (nonetheless, they did get work done).

Sharing a fraction of their vulnerabilities was unexpected to the both of them, especially during that heavy conversation. None of the two seemed to be troubled about it though; about opening up.

"Have a good rest, Mikasa." Hanji wished, after insisting that Mikasa leave first and let her clean the remaining mess up (given that she practically caused most of it). After fighting back more than a dozen of Mikasa's refusal to leave, given that she wanted to offer her help, she finally caved in.

"Alright…Have a good rest, too..." Mikasa paused momentarily, letting a brief silence fade in and dance around the two women; departing only when a faint smile appeared on Mikasa's face, accompanied by her soft features. "…Hanji."


Author's Notes:

Sorry for the late update! A lot of crazy things happened in my life recently.

That aside, I hope you enjoyed this! And hopefully, the ending was satisfactory (I struggled with how to end this mini story haha!) Originally, it ended differently but something just didn't feel right. After much thinking and mulling over it, I felt this was a better way. I did want the ending to have a sneak peek of a possible "Extra Story" where Levi meets with Hanji separately right after this conversation to have another conversation, and where another particular person meets with Mikasa right after too. However, ending it with Mikasa referring to Hanji as Hanji felt better ya know? As for that possible "Extra Story", no promises it will be out anytime soon (I did write a bit of it already, but it's not ready to be out and given my hectic life, I don't want to make any empty promises about its release date if any of you do look forward to it!)

Once again, apologies for the delay and I hope the ending was alright! And I do hope the characters here did remain in character!

Please leave a Review! Constructive Criticism is welcomed.

Oh! And do feel free to let me know what you want to see from this blossoming friendship; perhaps it would give me some ideas for future stories~