"If you didn't love him, this never would have happened. But you did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go."
— Sarah Dessen
You have (5) new voice messages.
El's eye's where weary as she stared at her alarm clock, 2:33 am it read. She mumbled and groaned relentlessly into her pillow as she reached for her phone. El's vision was clouded with sleep as she fumbled with her passcode, her vision hazy. Within a few seconds only El's heart seized within her chest as her brain read the name over and over -
Mike.
No matter how many months had passed between them and the endless nights of grieving, her heart always seemed to ache for him. She wasn't surprised though, this boy had been the love of her life, her first love and now what was he to her?
A reminder of why her heart had been left and shattered to pieces? She knew it would be years before she would feel like herself again, at least fully. With Ben it was different, a new beginning, perhaps even a fresh start. But he wouldn't ever compare to Mike. El knew he was easy on the eyes, a different kind of beauty that Mike didn't have but she still didn't yearn for him. Not the way she once had for a certain black-eyed boy. She could remember desperately craving for him and now it seems as though she craves to only get away from him.
Miles and miles away.
Let it be free of him.
That's what her head kept reminding her, a constant thought that never came to a stand-still. While her heart sobbed and pleaded for him through her ribcages, an attempt to break free and go find it's soulmate. In other words; go find Mike.
Bet El couldn't. It was a never-ending battle between doing what was expected of her and what was wrong. There were days, when she was at her weakest point, where she stare at her car keys for hours and all thought's of doing what was right fell passed her head and escaped her. She had been ready to forgive and let go in those moments, to leap into his arms and smother herself in his embrace.
But she just couldn't, no, she wouldn't do that to herself.
To others El looked as though she was holding on, simply living and breathing without Mike. But couldn't they see past that? Couldn't they see the desperation written on her face every time Lucas or Dustin brought up an old memory, one that consisted of Mike in it. Couldn't they see that she was merely functioning, that everything burned and ached without Mike beside her. It seemed that they didn't notice, and El knew that maybe if she wasn't hurting she could become an actress.
Since her own friends couldn't see right through her act.
With a shuddering breath, El's fingers shakily pressed onto the messages. Heat began rushing to her cheeks, her eyebrows swiftly pulling into a frown.
(1) First message received today at 1:39 am.
"El, I miss you. Fuck - I need to see you. Please, I'm begging you. Let me fix this, I'm not ready to walk away and I don't think I ever will be."
Message deleted.
Her heart burned and throbbed beneath her chest, she didn't seem to breath as she deleted the first message and listened for the second with caution.
(2) Second message received today at 1:45 am.
"Sweetheart, you have to listen to me. Emily is nothing, she was nothing back than and will continue to be nothing now. Your all that matters to me, you must know that. How couldn't you know that, there will never be another girl. El, I don't want anyone else if I can't have you. Just let me -"
Message deleted.
Her fingers quickly rushed over the delete button as El pushed herself up against her bed, her sheet's dangling low on her hips now. El felt uneasy and her heart began hammering once again, it was all his fault. If he hadn't fucked Emily and crushed her heart, then maybe they wouldn't be in this mess right now. Maybe she wouldn't feel so alone and her heart wouldn't feel so heavy, but no, he had to go and ruin everything.
Her eye's hardened and her shoulders shook less as she braced herself for the third message, her gaze wandering out her opened window.
(3) Third message received today at 1:53 am.
"What can I do? Huh, baby? Tell me how I can fix this and I will. I'll do whatever I can as long as we're okay again. I can't keep doing this anymore, I won't, because watching you move on pains me. I'm so sorry, do you hear me El? Can't you hear how I'm still so desperately in love with you?"
Message deleted.
Every time El thought she could get through the pain, Mike had to go and do something like this that set her two steps back and now El was left feeling infuriated. She soldiered on though, without a second thought El played the next voicemail and she waited for the apologies to come but this one left her breathless;
(4) Fourth message received today at 2:00 am.
"I thought about you the entire time, you know. It was never about finding someone else, I got scared. I thought I was ready to go out into the world with you by my side but I just couldn't. I was terrified that every guy out there would be able to see the beauty in you that can't see, the endless potential you have and I panicked. I knew Emily liked me, I used her and I was selfish, and for that I hate myself more than you will ever know. I'm sorry I broke you. I'm sorry that I made you cry, but I don't want her. I don't want anyone else, please remember that."
Message deleted.
Just one more message, her head chanted. Just one more and than it's all over. But that would be a lie now wouldn't it? Her and Mike wouldn't ever be over, even if she moved to opposite ends of the world. Not even if El had a loving husband and two children who adored her because it wouldn't be him. El knew that even if she 'moved on' it wouldn't be sincere. She'd always imagine her husband to be someone else and she'd always try and picture her kids with curly black hair when instead they had blonde straight hair and brown eyes to match their Father's and their Mother's.
And she hated herself even more for admitting that.
But she hated herself more for the way her heart lurched forward and a lump formed in her throat as the messages came to a close.
(5) Fifth message received today at 2:07am.
"Forgive me, El. Forgive me for destroying us, I know I fucked up badly. That I fucked us up and now I'm left with the reminder of not having you here with me. Come home, baby. Please, I can't do this without you anymore. I will fight for us, and I won't stop fighting for you. I know you can hear me. I. Won't. Ever. Stop. Fighting. For. Us."
Message deleted.
With a piercing scream, El lurched her phone forward and threw it against her bedroom wall. She watched in shock as it smashed with such force that the screen shattered to pieces immediately, leaving the phone sprawled across her carpet. El's breathes were jagged and rough, her hands clawed there way around her throat as she fought for breath.
Her breaths remained uncalm and in a frenzy as she dropped to her knees and stared at the mess bared out in front of her. She knew she couldn't keep doing this to herself, she needed to fix this mess.
She was ready to see him, to tell him what she needed from him. She was ready to take and take from him until he had nothing left to give her. Because that's what he had done to her right? He took and took until one day in the blink of an eye her heart hang low and there was tears in her eye's as she found out about Emily.
It was now or never, El thought.
She was ready as ever to see Mike, her Mike, and it scared her.
AUTHORS NOTE:
Thought's please? I know it was a pretty rushed chapter but I felt bad because I hadn't updated in a very long time. Hope you liked it!
Have a blessed day,
L x
