"How do you know when it's over?"
"Maybe when you feel more in love with your memories than with the person standing in front of you."
— Gunnar Ardelius
AUTHOR - Please listen to the song 'Wait – by M83'
"El." Mike's breath was heaving as he eyes danced over every inch of El's body.
It was almost as if he was examining her, savouring every inch and keeping it for his memory only. The thought alone would've made her feel uneasy, if it had been any other person though, but it's Mike.
She remained firm, every part of her tense as she stood still, her head grazing the top of Mike's chin. She didn't even remember how he somehow got close to her, she could feel his warm breath press against her forehead. The act alone made El warm, but not in the way she intended it to, her body relaxed as it prepared for one of his lazy forehead kisses. That was the usual routine when he had once been so close to her but instead the act alone seemed so damn foreign to her, it scared her to even remember a time before all this sadness, this heartache.
'Can I come in?' Her voice was steady and slow, but inside her heart screamed with what was repeated joy to be in her home, their home, for the first time in months.
This was it, now was the time to let go of Mike, for good.
'Of course,' Mike stammered out, quickly brushing past El and opening the door for her. A smile was planted across his face and El was so close that she could almost count every freckle wedged across his nose. Her heart felt heavy and hammered against her chest just by the sight of him.
El murmured out a quick thank you before scurrying into the lounge room, her eyes widened in disbelief though. Every single picture of them remained; their wedding day photo was still beside Mike's favourite chair by the window pane, an old polaroid picture of their first date in elementary; even there first anniversary together as husband and wife was framed amongst the lot.
And El's heart grew sad by this, sadder as every second past because it was evident Mike hadn't given up. . .
But she had.
Is this what it means to become out of love with someone? El had loved him with every fibre of her being once, and she would defy anyone that dare question her undying love for this boy. Before all the tears were unleashed, before all the heartbreak had become present, she was undoubtfully happy.
So through all of her happiness, how couldn't she of known Mike wasn't feeling the same way she was? How couldn't she of sensed he was slipping away through her finger tips every day that passed?
El wanted to ask him so many questions; 'That night when you cheated, was it easier to feel and touch another women's body then my own?' or 'Are you holding on to us because you're scared to see if we could love another person the same way we once did?'
"Mike," El say's lightly. "Can I ask you something?'
Mike nods his head eagerly, but El noticed his eyes weren't dancing with joy like they were moments before. Instead they appeared dull, almost lifeless, as if he was bracing himself for the impact that was laid out in front of him.
El swallows hard and forces the words out before she could stop herself. 'Why are you doing this?'
"Because I want you," he says with such ease that she feels flushed against his gaze. She let out a shuddering breath, and suddenly, a small sob seemed to wedge its way to her throat as well.
'Here's the thing,' She clears her throat and looks away from him, her gaze planted firmly on their captured wedding day. They both looked so happy, so in love it was surreal, and now look at them.
They were broken.
'From the moment I met you, you brought out the best of me. You taught me to love and to be loved, and in that moment you were the best thing that has ever happened to me." El raises her head to look up at him, her cheeks weren't the ones wet with unleashed tears, but his instead.
She continues on; 'The truth is, we both have never had the chance to love anyone else but each other. If Emily – or any other woman has once made you think of a future without me in it, then why don't you give it a try?'
He looked at her with such sadness, even to El he seemed so fragile, almost as if her words sliced right through him.
'No. . . .' He sobbed out, 'I don't want that. I want you, I will always want you El.' the look in his eyes made El's heart lurch with grief. He couldn't look away from her, and she realised she had been just as selfish in their marriage as he had. She depended on him for everything, even her happiness, and that's not how a relationship is supposed to be.
He may be reason to blame for the cheating, but El had broken him in other ways too. She made him scared, utterly terrified to be apart from her. To be able to imagine a life or time where she wouldn't be by his side, almost as if she was half of him. Half of his soul; his entire being, and for the first time since being away from her husband she knew that wasn't healthy.
Not in the slightest bit.
"El," he whispered. With such ache, a sharp throbbing pain pressed against both of their chests.
They both knew what was happening, what was to come. It was like a sudden car crash, with such force, it couldn't be stopped.
I gave him a sad smile, wondering if this would be one of the last time's I'd be this close to him.
'I want you too, always, but I don't need you. Not anymore and you don't need me either. Face it, we've been holding onto something that just keeps on breaking no matter what we do. Our love won't fix this, nothing will and I want to star living my life again. Don't you?' El rushes out, her eye's desperate and fierce as she stares at him with such certainty.
The room feel's too small, almost as if it's about to close in on the both of them.
All of a sudden he laughs, it's desperate and raw and El doesn't know what to do. Should she touch him, or stay where she is and watch him become his own undoing. The laughing doesn't stop and neither does his tears, he's starting to let go.
He's letting go of his mistakes; of the betrayal, breaking his own heart but also his first love, and finally. . . .
He is letting go of El.
"Every time I see you, I'm broken just by looking at you." he admitted, pushing his loose curls from his forehead. His voice is croaky and wounded, and El want's to touch him. She doesn't think, She just move's to him. El grab's at what she can and presses her face to his clothed chest and breathes him in one last time.
She promised she wouldn't do this to herself but he needed this, he needed her and El will give Mike all of her as much as she can.
He wraps his arms around her and presses himself against her with such intensity that they both become undone. He reaches for her lips and without a second thought he kisses El. They both moan at the sensation and warmth that flows through the kiss.
This kiss was different, it was saying goodbye to their memories, to their marriage, to Mike and El.
'I will always love you, don't you ever forget that. Promise me – please, promise me Sweetheart that you will never let any man break you the way I did.' When El finally pulls away, she looks at him, stares right through him and wants to cry.
Cry with happiness, with anguish, with disbelief that this is really it between them. She's a bundle of nerves and is running out of words to say to him, but she can feel there once old love floating away.
It's new, it's different and slowly it's unfolding around her and she doesn't know how to piece herself together. Where did that strong girl just go?
El's hands fall to her sides as Mike steps back from her hold, his face paling as he speaks his next few words slowly. 'Don't think I don't want to fight for you, everything inside me is burning saying these things to you. I won't fall in love again – not the way we did. Our love was beautiful and I'm sorry I tainted it.'
He inhaled sharply, like something had finally cut the rope that tethered him to her. Shock sent her heart crashing against her as he moved his way to their wedding picture. He grasped it tightly and looked so lost as he pried it into El's hands.
He muttered the next three words that left El breathless and stone cold;
'I love you.'
She all at once watched him walk away from her, his silhouette leaving there once loved room. All the laughter, light and loved was erased the moment he uttered those words.
No more endless chasing from him, there wouldn't be a trace left of Mike anywhere anymore, not even a hint of his scent on her pillow.
She felt renewed,
She felt transformed,
And throughout all her new emotions the one thing that seeped through her was that;
She didn't have Mike anymore.
FORGIVE MEEEEE
