(EL'S POV):
This is officially it.
I'm no longer Mrs Wheeler, it's a foreign feeling I'm not used too. I have my last name back, and I still don't feel any different. Sadness still lurks up at me occasionally when I think of him, the nights are the worst though; that's when the memories creep in and I lay awake for hours on end.
But I embrace change, I embrace not being somebody else's. I turn and look around my apartment, boxes had been filled, clothes sprawled out across my bed and endless piles of newspapers scattered around my feet. I smile at the mess, Mike hated mess, despised it, and I couldn't help but let out a little laugh.
I move to where the boxes are and begin packing again. I fill it with my favourite mugs then begin adding all my picture frames next. I stop and stare ever so slowly as I come across Mike and I's wedding picture. I stare and admire what used to be us, where smiling in the photo. Our eyes were filled with so much light and love that I couldn't help but smile back at the photo.
My eye's wandered and landed on my wedding ring. I still wore it, don't ask me why because I don't even know myself these days. It was a beautiful ring - that could've been the reason, or maybe I was a little bit selfish and wanted to keep this little piece of my old life all too myself.
I hadn't seen Mike since that day we truly ended for good. I haven't seen anyone really, not that people haven't tried. Max calls relentlessly, Luca's won't stop leaving voicemails and even Mike's Mother sends me flowers every once in awhile.
Listen, I know I'm lucky to have such a supportive group of people. but - everything still reminds me of my old life with him. Every place in this town has a memory with him that is so embedded in my brain, my frowns are starting to appear more. I've thought about dating, Ben keep's appearing in my thoughts somehow, but deep down, I know I'm not ready yet.
The question is. . . .
Will I ever be?
Can I even fathom the idea of loving someone else completely opposite to him?
Some would say that's the entire point, to be with someone entirely different to your ex. Someone new and refreshing, with different ventures and ideas that don't scream out Mike.
When I try and imagine being with someone else right now, my mouth becomes dry and my throat tightens. I look at Ben and I could imagine a life with him, one that would envision a white picket fence with blue shutters. A life that consisted of three kids and a dog called Marley. It sounds lovely, but is that even what I want?
I thought about children, but with only one person. Now that person is gone and so are those thoughts. Now, I don't know if I could be a Mother to someone else. Someone that didn't inherit big curls and endless swirls of brown, and I'm scared of that.
Since my marriage ended I've had a lot of time to think, maybe too much time. Every moment and thought dawned on me and made me rethink every choice I made. If Mike hadn't cheated now, would he have later on in our marriage? What if he never betrayed me and we were together. . . and still undeniably happy. So happy that it radiated everywhere we went. I still had so much to think about, and so much I wished to tell Mike but didn't want to keep mentioning.
So, 10 minutes later into my thought's, I began writing him a letter;
Mike,
I'm scared to face another day if I don't open up to you completely.
This fear in me won't go away, this fear that I will always love you and I won't be able to stop. I will still try though, for us, I'm sorry I'm calling the shots for us both now but I know I'm making the right decision.
I'm sorry if this letter surprised you, I don't want to burden you, but I don't want to keep these thoughts stuck in my head for however long they choose to stay. I used to tell you everything, and you would listen and never judge me. . . I'm not strong enough to face you to say these things to you in person. But writing, well, I think I can manage just that.
I won't be bitter if you choose not to reply, and I can't promise that these letters will stop coming. Because Mike, before you were my husband, you were also my best friend who I need desperately right now. I love you, I love that I think of you when I need to let go of my thoughts. But I need to start loving myself a hell of a lot more. . .
And these letters are gonna let these angered thoughts go and make me, well, me again.
I hope you are thriving Mike, and I will never stop hoping either.
Yours,
El.
Thoughts? LEAVE A COMMENT IF YA LIKE IT SO FAR THX
MERRY CHRISTMAS
XXXXXX
