You can think that you're in love
When you're really just in pain.

(SOME MISTAKES - ASHE) LISTEN:

Mike's pov:

Fuck.

He missed her.

He ached for her, every thought, every sudden memory, it always led back to her.

His girl, his El.

It had been torture, a stab of pain edged it's way into his heart permanently since her absence. A sharp tug pulled against his heartstrings and he couldn't help but groan at the loss of her. That's what he felt, he felt lost. So utterly lost that it left him breathless and ever so angry. The anger scared him, it was dark and never ending. He was a mess.

A never ending fucking mess without her. He sighed as his hands racked and pulled against his curls, he leaned his head against the shower wall. His Adam's apple bobbing nervously, his mind wandered back to el. He imagined her, the way her lips playfully pouted at him whenever she wanted a kiss from him.

He imagined her sighing as he filled her completely, a whimper would fall from her throat at the loss of him before he would ram into her so hard that a cry would both fall from each other's lips. A hasty "Fuck," left Mike's mouth as the hot water fell against him. He was suffocating without her, without her soft perfume lingering against there home, without her clothes messily scattered around there bedroom floor.

He lurched forward and grasped the shower head, his hands fumbling with the knob. With a sudden turn, the water sized it's motions and he stood naked, cold, and fucking alone.

He was pathetic, that he already knew, he was utterly pathetic without her.

And yet, it was all his fault. He was spineless, no, a coward. All because he couldn't keep his hands to himself. All because he couldn't think without his dick and instead pushed his heart to the side and escaped reality for a short while. He tried to remember, tried to picture that night that had changed everything between them; He was at the café downtown. A beer had been dangling between his fingertips, he had felt tired that day and lost. El had been messaging him all night but he hadn't dared to open a single message from her. His phone would buzz every ten minutes but he refused to answer, he was exhausted; he just didn't know why.

"That bad?" Emily asked, a frown lurking on her delicate features. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a loose braid. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair before sipping on his beer.

His phone buzzed again for the fifteenth time.

"Just the usual," he sighed, his fingers playing with the sides of his wedding band. He felt disconnected from his wife, he felt at loss with himself. He knew how worried el would be right now, he could only imagine. She would be pacing around there room relentlessly, nervously eyeing her phone. She would be waiting for him, only for him. As always.

Except this time he hadn't cared, the beer felt heavenly against his lips and he groaned at the taste of it. He needed to feel numb, work was tiring him slowly and the thought of escaping reality even for a short while never seemed so good in that moment.

"Talk to me, tell me what's going on with you?" She asked, her eyes filled with worry. Mike had wished that from that moment, he would have turned his back on her and walked away. But instead, he stayed were he was. He stayed in his seat, with a stranger and completely ignored his Wife. He stayed that night and didn't listen to his gut telling him to leave. Because that's what happens with men isn't it? There stubborn and fucking selfish; If his heart had been with him then, he would've been with his girl. Tangled up with her; in her, in there warm bed together.

But no;

He had other ideas instead that night.

All he could remember was that he had been angry.

So fucking angry, with himself, with his perfect life and he didn't know why.

He thought of the moment Emily began tugging him away from the small café. She had asked him if he had wanted to leave with her, doubt filled his stomach but he ignored it. He pushed through the agonising thoughts and instead made the wrong fucking choice.

He grasped her hand tightly and let her lead him away from that place. They both caught a taxi back to her place. The silence was deafening; he began tapping his fingers against the door handle to escape his own thoughts. He knew it was wrong, so utterly wrong, but he was drunk and well fuck;

There was just no excuse anymore. His next actions had been vile - never knowing the ruin he would bring upon his wife.

"I shouldn't be doing this," he whispered darkly, his fingers coming to a halt. The pitter patted of rain falling harshly against the side window. He had watched, the sight would've comforted him before; but now he been felt even more alone then before. "I," He stopped himself, shaking his head before looking at her numbly;

This is wrong.

Wrong.

Fucking, undeniably, wrong.

"And yet, you're still here." Emily murmured beside him, there shoulders grazing against each other's.

The touch alone made Mike primal. He wanted, no needed something. Anything, a short realize. He felt lost, no, he felt fucking pathetic for being where he was right now. Emily shifted her body closer to his, her skirt wedging it's way higher to her hips, her pink panties peaking at him, the act alone made Mike groan. "Why?" He heard himself say, he couldn't be so sure anymore.

He shuddered as her dainty fingers made there way up his torso before grasping his cheek. She pulled his face even closer to hers. He could barely keep his eyes focused, her lips were taunting him, he was gone.

"Because; I may be what you need right now. I know I'm not El, I'll never be her. Even if I tried, I couldn't be. But maybe that's what you need. Maybe you need a break, a release, I know I can help you Mike." Emily breathed out, her lips only a mere space away from his. He couldn't answer her, his thoughts were a jumbled mess and all he felt was;

Anger.

He was fucking angry, he was lost, lost within himself.

He wasn't so sure anymore.

"I can make the pain go away Mike." She whispered, and without thinking, he grasped her tightly and kissed her. Kissed her with such urgency that a gasp left her throat and mike growled into her mouth.

The next few moments were a total blur. Mike couldn't pin point what had happened next. He knew they made it to her door, there clothes a fumbled mess. He vividly remembered ripping off her underwear. His teeth baring marks against her skin, the harshness of his breathes filling the air. His mind had cleared by then, the alcohol wearing off but he didn't stop. He knew if he stopped he'd be a blubbering mess, he pushed back the tears as he pushed Emily's breasts out of her bra. They bounced as the clasp came undone and pinched her nipples harshly.

"Mike, oh," she cried out. "Please-." He ignored her and turned her body around. He pulled at her braid, his hands rushing with the zipper of his pants. They fell to the floor hastily, without a second thought, he filled her up completely.

El. El. Fucking El.

He was a monster.

A greedy fucking monster.

He landed forward, pushing her head even further into the pillow so he could ignore her pleads for him. Her cries of pleasure never seemed to stop and Mike's thrusts hadn't either. His phone kept buzzing, he could see his screen blaring with El's picture. Her pretty face filled his phone screen and Mike fucked Emily to it. He imagined her beneath him, her lips forming a pretty O. Only for him, her legs wrapping around his hips, daring him to go even deeper.

"Fuck el, yes baby." He cries out, helplessly. He grips her hips, his mind races as he realized he said his wife's name. Emily didn't seem to notice; to him, it seemed like she didn't even care. They were both using each other.

His dick twitched as he felt the warmth bubbling in his stomach. He knew he was about to cum, he felt repulsed too, but goddamn it, he needed to feel something. He was disgusted with himself that he needed to fuck another woman to feel somewhat important.

"Yes baby, just like that. Come for me." Emily rasped out. Her hands reaching for him but he slapped her hands away and pulled at her hair even harder. He ignored her attempts at touching him that way, no, the sweet shit was only for his wife.

This was purely a fucking release. El was the only girl he had ever wanted, she was the only girl he ever saw but how didn't he notice he was slowly losing himself in the process of all that.

He was a broken man.

A fucking broken shell of a man.

Emily would never be El, not even in this splitting seconds he was fucking her. As his thrusts grew heavier; deeper, a tear spilled and landed on her back. One, then two and finally three tears streamed down his face. All that love he had for el felt like it was going to waste as his come filled Emily. He didn't care if she finished, fuck no, she was his short term fix.

He let go then and there, he pulled out of Emily and flung himself against her bedframe. He cried, fucking sobbed. He wept for the pain he knew would fill his wife when she would find out. Mike loved El so much. He couldn't put it back together now, there love wouldn't be burning like how it was before. Because he was selfish, and now everything was fucking tarnished.

He felt sick being there.

He wanted to go home.

He wanted to see his wife, he wanted to escape within her. Bury himself deep, never daring to let go. He wanted to curl up in there bed, drinking her in.

He scoffed at himself.

Everything was ruined now. A jarred memory he couldn't piece back together anymore.

He went still.

"Fuck." He yelled out, his fists pounding against the side of his head. "Fuck, fuck, fuck." He cried brokenly.

Emily tried soothing him but he slapped her hands away for the second time. "What have I done." He whispered against his bruised knuckles as he bit down harshly into it.

El. El. El. He wanted El.

She was his first love.

His first goddamn everything.

He felt there connection untethering and he whimpered at the loss of it. At the loss of her, any loss of his El felt like a blow to his heart.

Because, little did he know, that sometimes. . .

Love just wasn't enough.

AUTHORS NOTE:

Hey guys, hope you enjoyed. Was hard to write this chapter, but it definitely needed to happen. I have a question for you? I have an opportunity to publish a novel - but would you guys ever read my writing outside of this story? is my writing enough? Is my writing good enough to actually be more than just a fanfiction read? Your thoughts mean the absolute world to me. Truly, I appreciate every single comment, it leaves a smile on my face.

SPREAD THE LOVE WITH YOUR GENEROUS COMMENTS BOYS AND GIRLS!

L xx