Killua swung his legs idly as he watched Gon fish. He knew that Gon was most likely not going to get any bites, but didn't point that out.

Killua was sitting next to Gon on the banks of the river, both their feet dangling over the edge. The air was cool and misty, not like the muggy heat of the inner village. Killua sighed and glanced behind him. Even through the trees he could see the wall and the gate, glimpses of it, as though it was saying, 'Hi, I'm still here, and you'll always have to come back to me.'

Killua looked away quickly, forcing himself to focus on the river, and the cool air, and Gon. Well, Gon wasn't a hard thing to focus on. Even if he was trying to be discreet, the lunatic still seemed to jump up in your face like an annoying green toad.

Even as he thought about it, Killua's heart swelled until he thought it would explode in his chest. Gon, so energetic and annoying and funny and…

Not his.

He swallowed hard, used to suppressing these emotions. He didn't look at Gon, but looked at his shoes instead, worrying that if he looked at his face he would break down then and there. Gon would never be his. He would never love Killua that way. But, according to Gon, he was his best friend. Surely, that was enough. Killua couldn't be greedy.

But it was so hard not to be greedy whenever Gon did anything like the stunt he had just pulled, hugging him and complimenting him and giving him flowers. It was all Killua could do not to throw himself into Gon's arms and shout some stupid shit about how Killua was in love with him like a dumb-ass sissy. Sometimes, he wondered is Gon knew and was just playing with Killua, but he shot that idea down; Gon would never be so cruel. Which meant he was blind to Killua's infatuation. He had tried a few times to get the message across, but nothing ever seemed to work. Just last spring, he had given Gon orange roses, knowing that it meant love, affection, and fierce passion. Gon had only thought it was pretty, and thanked Killua for his generosity. Killua had felt like punching him in the face, but settled instead for beating him mercilessly in a race.

No, no matter what Killua did, he knew he would always just be Killua. Unworthy of love, unworthy even of Gon's friendship (though that didn't seem to bother Gon). Illumi had been right.

Killua winced and pushed aside the thought of his elder brother. He tried to employ the technique Gina had taught him; think of something else, anything else.

Gina. If it weren't for her, he didn't know where he would have ended up. He had run away from Zoldyck palace as a very young child, even now he didn't remember how he did it. He had only been four at the time, so memories were hazy, but he thought it had something to do with being smuggled out by one of his siblings. His siblings...he couldn't remember all of them very well, but he could remember them well enough. Illumi, oppressive and brainwashed, Alluka, sweet and innocent, Milluki, annoying and overweight, Kalluto, quiet and contained.

Sometimes, he would think about them hard, probing his feelings, wondering if he still (or ever had) loved any of them. Milluki and Illumi came as a hard no, but the thought of Kalluto and Alluka always made his stomach seize up. He told himself that one day, he would go back for Alluka, but the truth was that he wouldn't be strong enough to take her back by force, and besides, if his family knew where he was, they would certainly come for him. Gina would be in danger. He had barely managed to disappear from under their radar; an impromptu rescue mission would jeopardize that.

No matter how many times he told himself, he still felt the guilt.

"Killua! Hey, earth to Killua, are you listening?"

He blinked out of his reverie to realize Gon had asked him a question. "Uh..." He said wittily.

Gon furrowed his brow. "Killua...you alright?"

Killua nodded derisively. "Of course I am. What do you want?"

Gon held out the fishing rod for him to take. "I was wondering if you'd want to fish for a while."

Killua took the pole, and tried to lose himself in the sport for the next hour.

Killua opened the door to his apartment, a string with fish hung on it in one hand, Gon's flowers in the other, calling out "Gina? I'm home!"

He heard Gina's creaking voice call back. "Good. I was wondering if you'd ever come back."

"C'mon, Gina," Killua admonished as he walked down the narrow hallway to the kitchen. "I wasn't even gone that long!"

He entered the kitchen through the doorway, and the sight of his guardian calmed him some. She wasn't very old, but not very young, either. Her skin was light brown, and her facial features spoke of Native American descent and a former strong, confident beauty. Her hair was silver, and hung to shoulder level. It was up in a loose tail. She was tall for a woman, and positively towered over Killua, who hadn't hit his growth spurt yet.

"Maybe you think so," She said, poking him with one long, wrinkled finger. "But there may come a day when you don't ever come back. How would I know until it would be too late?"

Killua rolled his eyes. "You're such a worry wart." He held up the offering of fish. "Me and Gon caught a bunch of fish at the river."

"Gon and I, Killua." She corrected, but smiled all the same and took the fish. She nodded approvingly. "Oh, yes, this will make a fine meal."

Killua's heart swelled with pride, but he was careful to keep it off his face, though he knew it didn't matter. Gina could read people like a book. "I'll be in my room." He turned on his heel and walked quickly away, hoping Gina wouldn't realize-

"Killua, what are those?"

He grimaced and turned back to face her. She was squinting at him sharply, eyes like diamond cutters. Killua tried for innocence. "Oh, just some flowers Gon and I were taking care of."

Gina barked out a laugh. "Honey, if you were taking care of them, they would be dead by now."

Killua inwardly cursed. She was right. Gon was the one with the green thumb.

"Are they from Gon?" Gina asked, making a show of turning her back to him and gutting the fish.

Killua decided to accept his fate. "Yeah." He grumbled.

He could hear the smile in Gina's voice when she replied. "Giving you flowers, huh, Killu-chan?"

Killua bristled at the nickname, but said nothing of it. He knew Gina wouldn't stop if he told her, and anyways, he maybe, just a tiny bit, liked the name.

"It's not like that, Gina." He didn't realize how dejected and bitter the words sounded until they were out of his mouth. He saw her pause for a second in what she was doing. "He still hasn't come to terms with the obvious?"

Killua clenched his fists. He considered telling her to fuck off, or maybe that there wasn't anything 'obvious', but, like telling her off for the nickname or lying in her presence, he knew it would be futile. Gina was the only person he had told about his sexuality, and about his crush on Gon.

So instead, he said "No." and slammed the door to his room shut.

He opened his eyes in the darkness. There was moonlight filtering in through the window, and he sat up to see Gon's window in the darkness. Somewhere in there, Gon was sleeping, maybe dreaming…

He fell back on his pillows in a huff. He had no idea why he had woken up. He didn't have nightmares, and he was tuned out to the regular nighttime noises of the city.

However, there was a twisty, nervous feeling in his stomach. What could it be? He thought about possible answers..

My family. No reaction.

I am a murderer. No reaction. (He hadn't expected one, anyway)

I am an awful person. No reaction.

Gon. His heart gave a fearful slam and the nerves he was feeling intensified.

Ah. That was his problem. He punched his pillow into shape. That idiot. He even messes with me when I'm trying to sleep. Is this something that will haunt me forever?

He opened his eyes wide, hoping that the physical sight of something would banish these thought from his head. His gaze landed on the flower pot with the yellow roses. His heart gave an extra beat.

Gon thought he was amazing. Gon thought was capable and bright.

Killua smiled to himself and turned over.

If only you knew that was how I think of you as well.