Slytherin was the house of witches and wizards who yearned for something.
That wasn't the impression the rest of the wizarding world had for the house of green and silver, but it was the reality Severus had grown into from his first night at Hogwarts.
It wasn't always easy to tell what each student yearned for – everything was covered in Pureblood teachings and traditions and expectations – but it was easiest to spot on the younger ones. He saw the yearning to be acknowledged from Bellatrix, and the desire to be liked from Narcissa; he saw the need to be superior from Lucius and Rabastan's desire to be named heir despite being the second son.
It had made Severus wonder what his weakness was, but he knew better than to expose himself in that manner within a den of snakes. He had always been good at observing others – living with his father had taught him that skill – but he had never needed introspection. His desire had always been to survive – to escape, with his mother if he could.
He knew that he didn't want to see despair in his mother's every expression; he knew he didn't want to have to hide his magical belongings when he went home. He knew he had always wanted to leave; he knew that he liked running away – like he had done every day during the summer at the Evans' home.
But at Hogwarts, there was no danger. He was safe, and while there was nothing he could do for his mother, but Hogwarts was a start. It meant that he was closer to leaving when he was seventeen – that he could take his mother with him, if she was willing to leave.
Because Severus knew, despite everything, his mother still loved the man that was his father. He didn't understand how, or why, or he knew that she would have left years ago.
"What's on your mind, Sev?" Lily asked.
It was one of the few moments they were able to spend together in a quiet corner of Hogwarts where they were just Severus and Lily, not a Slytherin and a Gryffindor.
Severus glanced at her, realising that if there was anyone that could give him an answer to his question, it would probably be her.
"What… if there was one thing I would want, what do you think it would be?" Severus asked, the question coming slowly. He wasn't sure Lily would understand what he was asking, but he hoped she would. He didn't know if he would be able to explain his question. He knew he would brush it off and never mention it again.
Severus could feel Lily's heavy gaze on the side of his face. He resolutely ignored it, not willing to give in to that awkward feeling that told him the question was a mistake.
"I think you want to be a hero," Lily said. "I think you want to save the people you care about. You really shouldn't listen to what everyone says about Slytherin, Sev."
Severus let out a huff. All he had ever done was run away. There was nothing heroic about that.
…xXx…
Running away sometimes meant blending in.
Slytherin was a house that helped you adapt to the unfairness of the real world, because none of the other houses allied themselves with the snakes. It was where those that hadn't learned how to fend for themselves, were forced to adapt quickly. Hierarchies were quickly identified, and alliances were formed, and Severus had been fortunate to be one of the last of the Prince line, despite being a half-blood.
The protection of his mother's lineage was something he was glad for, and he hadn't been willing to relinquish it. He had hoped Lily would understand his need for safety – for Hogwarts to be the safe place he had never known in his home.
She hadn't understood. Lily had been understandably hurt by his words and had avoided any chance of the two of them talking. Catching her off-guard had become impossible when she didn't try to avoid her many friends, and Severus could only watch from a distance as they grew apart.
Because he had wanted protection, and she wanted heroism.
There were several things he knew he could have done differently, but Severus knew that he didn't regret his actions. He wasn't sure if he would have survived magical hell.
But Lily still avoided him, and Severus had never pushed her. That was another thing being a Slytherin taught: to never stick around when you weren't wanted.
"You always did like the dungeons, Sev."
Severus froze. Years without interaction would never allow him to forget her voice.
"Lily?"
"Dumbledore allowed me to visit. James and I are going into hiding soon, and I thought that I should make amends while I still could." Lily's eyes were tired but happy, and Severus didn't think he could wish any better for her. She had found what she wanted, and she hadn't needed him by her side to do it.
"Don't say that. You'll survive the war." Severus's voice shook. He had been the one to warn Dumbledore, and Lily surely knew that she would be a target.
Lily smiled sadly. "It's still time I've apologised for my behaviour all these years. Without you, James and I would never have the warning we do now. Neither would Alice and Frank, and we only have you to thank. I've treated my best friend like an enemy because I had my feelings hurt by words I realised afterwards you didn't mean. I'm sorry, Sev."
It hurt that she'd thought so little of him, even after all these years, but Severus still couldn't help but be glad he had a friend back.
He said as much, and Lily rolled her eyes with a huff.
"You make it sound like you didn't make a single friend in all your years at Hogwarts."
Severus bit his tongue on the argument that he didn't trust a single one of the 'friends' he had made.
That he didn't even feel like he could fully trust her anymore.
Instead, he told her about his first group of idiot students who blew through five cauldrons in less than an hour.
…xXx…
Years later, staring into Lily's green eyes on her son's face as he felt the biting cold settle into his body, he thought that maybe Lily had been right.
That maybe behind all that running away, all that fear and self-preservation, was just to be alive at the right time to save someone else. Unknowingly and unwittingly perhaps, but searching for a moment of glory he could call his own.
That perhaps he had known all along that he had wanted to save people, but he didn't want the attention that came with it.
That being a hero could also mean staying in the shadows.
And running away could also be brave.
Written for Badass Lyrics Inspire Badass Fics [The Nature of the Beast: Despite intent a noble heart still bleeds; Severus Snape]
