Deuteronomy
"Anna!" Elsa cried out in shock.
She dropped from the branch, forgetting herself in her panic and landing awkwardly. She sprained her ankle from the bad landing and crawled over to Anna, who was groaning softly while blood poured down her face from the bullet wound. Elsa reached around her sister's back, patting her all over and when she withdrew her hand it came away clean. Either the first bullet had failed to penetrate or it had lodged itself somewhere in her sister's body. Elsa didn't have time to fret over this fact, for the guards were at the base of the wall just on the other side now.
"They went over! Fan out and search the woods!"
Breathing heavily, Elsa lifted Anna up into her arms, wincing as she limped through the woods. Her ankle was throbbing with pain badly, yet she pressed on as fast she could. Behind her, the guards had made it over the wall and were now shining their flashlight beams over the woods.
"I'm sorry. Anna, live. Please live. Live, Anna!" Elsa was muttering to herself frantically.
Anna remained non-verbal in her arms but she continued to groan in pain, which Elsa took as a good sign. From behind, a flashlight beam passed over them once before it snapped back and locked on.
"There they are!"
"Open fire!"
Once again, gunfire split the silence of the night and bullets tore through the forest all around, slamming into trees and splintering wood. Elsa stumbled and fell to her knees harshly, but the adrenaline blocked out the pain and she remained upright. Pushing forward with everything she had, she continued to limp through the woods with Anna bleeding in her arms. She stumbled again into another ditch and crested a small rise before emerging from the tree line onto the gravel service road. Ahead to her right, Elsa could make out the lights of the van that Kristoff had kept running.
With a burst of strength, Elsa shrugged off the pain momentarily and ran as fast as she could, closing the distance to the van. Still holding Anna, Elsa ripped open the back door with one hand then laid her sister inside. Elsa then leapt in the back, slamming the doors to the van shut behind her.
"Go! Drive!" Elsa shouted.
From the rear window, Elsa could see that the guards had emerged from the tree line and were aiming their weapons towards the van. A few bullets smacked into the metal, but did not go through.
"Christ alive! Kristoff shouted in alarm as he shifted the van into drive and sped off into the night.
They peeled out in a hurry and left behind a cloud of dust that obscured their van as they drove off to make their escape. All the while, Elsa had gently laid Anna down on the floor where she began to tend to her woods as best as she could. Kristoff kept his eyes focused on the road, but he occasionally threw frantic glances into the back where Elsa and Anna were. Tense as they all were, nobody felt much like saying anything until they were well out of danger.
... ... ...
They did not slow down until they crossed the line into upstate New York. After continuing for another handful of kilometers and after Kristoff was sure they were not being pursued, he pulled into a dreary looking motel.
Meanwhile, Elsa had kept herself busy by tending to Anna. First she cut away Anna's turtleneck, exposing her bare abdomen. There she found an ugly and angry purple bruise from the bullet that had struck her. Thankfully, it did not puncture her body. Elsa sighed in relief, before turning her attention upwards to the gash on her head that was seeping blood. Elsa had placed a white towel against it to staunch the flow and when she pulled away, it was soaking red. As Anna remained groaning and delirious from shock, Elsa determined that the bullet had only grazed her temple above her right brow. Upon closer inspection, the gash was about an inch long and tore the flesh partially along her forehead and partway into her scalp. It was a serious wound, but one that Anna would recover from.
You've given her another scar. Elsa thought bitterly to herself. You promised, and you failed. She's hurt and it's your fault.
I thought… I thought I could be better, a smaller voice spoke.
You were wrong.
I tried…
It wasn't enough.
Elsa realized then that all of the fear, all of the doubt, all of the remorse, and all of the guilt that she locked away three years ago when she made her promise still remained. She had thought she had finally changed and even fooled herself into thinking that she had redeemed herself. Yet now, staring at Anna's face, awash in blood that matched the color of her hair and bereft of any of the brilliant light she exuded, Elsa realized she could not have been more wrong.
You did this. You haven't changed. Nothing is forgotten. Nothing is forgiven. You can't protect her. You can't even protect her from yourself.
Kristoff turned around, inspecting the bloody scene behind him. "What happened?" he asked gently.
"The display was- an alar- I… I triggered an alarm. Guards came running and… they shot her," Elsa stuttered. Her eyes were stinging with tears and she couldn't meet Kristoff's gaze. "It was… it was my fault," she whispered softly.
Kristoff sighed heavily, turning his gaze out the window and resting his chin in his palm. "Alright I'm gonna get us some rooms. We'll get Anna inside and patch her up, okay?"
Elsa sniffed, and nodded once. Turning back to Anna, she wiped some blood from her face. Anna's eyes were closed, but her breathing remained steady and even.
It's your fault, Elsa cursed herself silently.
... ... ...
"Ouch!" Anna yelped.
The pair were in the bathroom of a motel room that Kristoff had rented for the night. Anna was seated on the toilet, while Elsa stood over her, cleaning the bullet wound with rubbing alcohol from a medical kit she had procured from Kristoff's van. He had left a while ago after helping Elsa move Anna into their room. Shortly after, he departed, promising to return with food after the eventful night they've had. For the time being, Elsa and Anna were alone.
"Who knew- ow, who knew getting shot would hurt so bad?" Anna remarked tiredly.
Elsa remained silent and finished wiping the wound clean with the alcohol soaked rag. She set the bloody rag in the sink and fished out a needle and thread from the medical kit.
"I'm sorry," Elsa whispered.
"Hey, it's not your fault. We couldn't have known the thing would sound an alarm like that," Anna said, wincing as Elsa set about stitching the wound shut.
It's not your fault. The words stung Elsa. Ever since the incident that had occurred when they were children, everyone had been telling her that. It's not your fault. It wasn't your fault. You had no idea.
Elsa bit her lip as she frowned and fought back the well of tears that were forming. She always hated hearing those words. She hated the kind and earnest looks that everyone had given her when they said it. Most of all, she hated that they actually meant it when she herself knew better. To Elsa, the words were pandering, condescending, falsely sweetened and meant to appease her guilt. But Elsa knew better, she knew that Anna's protection was her responsibility. Anna's well-being was her responsibility. When she was hurt under Elsa's watch, no one was to blame but Elsa. If only she had been faster, acted sooner, decided differently.
After Anna's fall into the pond, Elsa berated herself for failing to catch her. For failing to prevent her from climbing. For failing to retrieve her from the ice. For failing to revive her.
When Anna developed a fear of water, Elsa criticized herself for being the catalyst of that fear. For not knowing how to help her sister when she suffered from nightmares afterward. For not being there for Anna when she begged her to let her in. For closing herself off out of fear of hurting Anna again.
Following Elsa's encounter with Gaston at school and learning that Anna had to fend for herself against bullies, Elsa reprimanded herself for failing to watch out for her. For not being able to protect her younger sister. For not protecting herself and forcing Anna's hand in violence.
"Are you okay, Elsa?" Anna's voice cut in, interrupting the deluge of thoughts that Elsa was currently wrapped in. "You're looking kinda pale... err... that is, paler than usual," she chuckled as she tried to lighten the mood "Not that being pale is a bad thing. I like your skin. Um, I mean I like the way your skin looks! I didn't mean I like your skin like I want to wear your skin, jeez, that made me sound like a serial killer."
Elsa had just finished up her work. The wound was stitched closed, cleaned and had stopped bleeding by the time she wrapped a layer of gauze over the wound and around Anna's head.
"I'm… fine, Anna. I promise," Elsa replied stiffly.
Anna's nervous tic still remained endearing even after all the years that have passed but in the moment, Elsa felt that she was unworthy of her sister's affections.
"Then why are your hands shaking?" Anna asked softly.
Elsa didn't answer, and instead she turned away, burning with shame as she busied her hands by washing them in the sink. Anna remained undaunted and rose from her sitting position, wincing from the bruise on her abdomen. She stood next to Elsa, studying her older sister's reflection. Elsa was tired and drawn out from the stress, and she was scrubbing her hands vigorously to rid them of Anna's dried blood. Anna studied Elsa's eyes which were rimming with tears and she also noticed they were unfocused, as if she were staring through her hands and into the distance somewhere.
She's so beautiful, Anna thought. And so sad.
Indeed, for all the sadness that Elsa carried with her all the time, she remained as stunning to her younger sister as ever. Anna felt a pang of remorse then, as memories of her childhood came to her unbidden. They had both been lonely for a long time, and though Anna had friends at school she was never as close with any of them as she had been with Elsa. When her sister became a recluse for reasons she still did not know, Anna had done her best to fill in the void that she left behind. Where Anna masked her pain with her usual bubbly demeanor and joyful antics, Elsa wore her grief clear as day on her face. Anna wanted to do something, anything to help Elsa, but she admitted to herself that she didn't have the faintest idea where to begin. Nonetheless, Anna remained determined as always to be there for her older sister.
"Elsa, what happened out there?" Anna pried gently.
"No- nothing. I… I just… got lost in the moment, I guess." Elsa replied unconvincingly.
She shut off the sink and dried her hands on a clean towel. They were still trembling.
"You froze," Anna said simply, but when Elsa flashed a look of hurt at her she retracted the comment. "I… uh, I mean that you never freeze is all. Something happened, I know it. It's been eating you up all night."
"I- I- I just… it was nothing. It was… it was just…" Elsa stammered, but couldn't form a complete sentence.
She sniffed and wiped her eyes, then left the bathroom. Elsa took a seat on one of the two beds and clasped one hand over the other, trying to stop them from shaking. Anna followed her out and sat down next to her.
"Elsa… what's wrong? Whatever it is, you know you can talk to me, right?" Anna said as she laid a hand gently on Elsa's shoulder.
She was hurting, Anna could see it, but for the life of her she had no idea what the cause could be. Elsa flinched away slightly from her touch and Anna withdrew her hand as if she had burned her.
"It's nothing, really, Anna. I'm… I'm fine," Elsa muttered.
"Please, Elsa, just talk to me. Let me help you," Anna said kindly.
Elsa looked away again, her shoulders hitching up to her ears. Anna saw her sister's discomfort and she backed off, but the more she thought about it, the more irritated she realized she was getting.
I got shot, Jesus. What's it gonna take for you to talk to me? Anna thought.
"We should, um, get some sleep," Elsa tried to change the subject. "It's been a long night."
"Look, Elsa. I just got shot in the head… okay? I think I deserve an explanation at the very least," Anna remarked. "Come on, what's eating you up?"
It wasn't fair, she knew it, but she wanted answers.
"I… I can't, please Anna. I don't want to talk about it," Elsa said in a small voice.
Anger flashed across Anna's face, and pain flared through her head she rose and stood in front of Elsa. "Then who, Elsa!" she exclaimed. "If you can't talk to me, then who are you gonna talk to? I'm trying to help you, can't you see that? Why do you keep pushing me away?!"
Elsa shrunk at her outburst, her whole body tightening from stress and discomfort. She needed space, she needed to get away from Anna. Elsa's guilt was crashing in waves on her and Anna's pointed questions were driving her further beneath them.
"I- I- I can't, I… I…" Elsa stammered.
"Why not?! Why do you keep putting up these walls, Elsa? Why can't you just let me in?!" Anna yelled.
"I just can't!" Elsa screamed.
Anna paused and stared, mouth agape in shock. Elsa was generally soft-spoken unless a situation called for her to make her voice known. Her exclamation took Anna completely off guard.
"I can't," Elsa repeated softly.
Her breathing was heavy, and fresh tears were making hot tracks down her cheeks. Her lips were trembling and she was looking anywhere but at Anna. Elsa then paced quickly out of the room, swung open the door, and stepped out into the night. She walked until she reached the end of the parking lot and knelt, weeping alone beneath the buzzing glow of a street lamp.
Inside, Anna released a shaky breath she hadn't realized she was holding and stood for a few minutes unsure of what to do with herself. She spotted her satchel on a nearby bedside table and walked over to it. Anna hefted it in her grasp, sticking a finger through the bullet hole only to feel cracked and powdery stone. Alarmed, she ripped open the satchel and withdrew a broken piece of the tablet. Evidently, the stone tablet had stopped the bullet. However, in doing so it fractured and broke apart completely, rendering the precious inscription they had been searching for utterly useless.
"So much for all that," Anna sighed. "Crap."
The pain from her wound began to blur her vision and nausea set in. Setting the remains of the tablet aside, Anna sat down on her bed and buried her face in her hands in an attempt to sooth some of the ache in her heart and in her mind.
About twenty minutes after their argument, Kristoff returned with two paper bags filled with burgers and fries in one hand while the other held a tray with three sodas. He joined Anna in her motel room after fetching her a bag of ice for her bruised abdomen and then together, they sat down at the table. After Anna relayed the news of the tablet to him, he shook his head.
"So that's it? No more clues to follow up on?" Kristoff sighed heavily.
Anna shook her head glumly. "That was our only lead. The trail ends here, it looks like."
"Well. Talk about some bad fuckin' luck," Kristoff said in a defeated tone.
Elsa walked in then, looking noticeably more worn out than before.
Kristoff nodded at her and pointed to the food he set out on the nearby table. "Hey, was wondering where you ran off to. I got us some food," he mumbled through a mouthful of fries.
"I just… needed some air," Elsa said softly, more to herself than anyone in the room.
"I take it you found out about the tablet too then?" Kristoff asked.
Elsa nodded, for she had known what had become of the tablet as soon as she removed the satchel from Anna's unconscious body to tend to her wounds "Yeah… yeah. I know," she sighed as she sat down across from the other two.
"Well... at least we still have each other," Kristoff joked lightly, trying to offer some levity to break up the tension in the room.
Anna coughed and reached for her coke. Elsa flinched and stared off into the distance.
... ... ...
After they finished their meal, Kristoff retired to his own room, bidding Elsa and Anna goodnight for the evening. Elsa lay curled up on one bed with her back towards Anna, wide awake and staring at her pillowcase as she fiddled with it absentmindedly. Anna lay upright with her back propped against several pillows, one hand over the ice pack on her abdomen. She glanced over to where Elsa was lying, forcing down the small pang of guilt she felt. Anna was still angry over the silence and the lack of answers. Frustrated as she was, Anna held her tongue as she was now far too tired to argue. Not long after, she fell into a restless sleep.
Meanwhile, Elsa replayed the events of the night over and over in her mind. Each time, she considered it from a different angle, she came away with the same conclusion. It was her fault. She had rushed Anna, triggering the alarm. She had frozen on the tree, forcing Anna to stall and leading to her getting shot.
I should have been more careful. I should have acted sooner.
On and on these "should haves" bounced around and lingered in the echo chamber of Elsa's mind, plaguing her thoughts as she lay painfully awake. Not even the merciful release of sleep overtook her as she continued to flagellate herself.
Shame, anger, and regret were old friends who visited upon Elsa that night. They stayed with her until she decided to do the one thing she knew she was good at.
... ... ...
The next morning, Anna rose to the sound of Elsa packing her bags. Elsa said nothing and didn't even spare her sister a glance as she prepared for her imminent departure.
You're leaving?" Anna said, shocked. She rose out of bed and padded over to where Elsa was packing her things. "Wait just wait a second. Where are you going?" she continued, her voice filled with hurt and confusion.
Elsa didn't answer her question, and instead she spoke aloud more likely to organize her thoughts than to actually address Anna. "I'll find a ride to the next town. From there, I'll make my way to the nearest airport," she finally looked up at Anna. "I'm going home, Anna. I can't do this anymore."
"You're going to leave? Just like that? You can't even say goodbye, no see ya later?" Anna said.
She was fighting to hold back the dam of tears that threatened to burst any second. For the second time in her life, Elsa was shutting her out. On the other hand, Elsa herself wasn't faring much better in keeping it together. She was clearly distraught and barely hanging on to any threads of control she had left.
"Elsa, look, if this is about last night, I'm sorry I yelled at you! Just, please, can we just talk about this?"
Elsa steeled her gaze and turned away. In her eyes, Anna saw a tremendous amount of pain and also resolve. Elsa had made up her mind, as much as it hurt her so.
"This isn't fair, goddamn it! How can you just… leave me! I need you, Elsa!"
"I'm sorry, Anna, but this… I can't keep doing this," Elsa said helplessly. "We can't keep doing this. How long have we been searching? Three years? What have we got to show for it?"
Anna said nothing, stunned and speechless as she was.
Elsa pressed on. "Last night you nearly died, and it was my fault! And for what? A useless rock?!" she threw up her hands in exasperation. "
"You. Didn't. Shoot. Me!" Anna replied as she pointed to the wound on her head. "This wasn't your fault! It was just bad luck!"
"I may as well have. Anna, please. This obsession… it killed mom and dad, I can't watch the same thing happen to you."
"This?! This is what they died searching for, Elsa! Their whole lives! I can't let it be for nothing."
"So, you're going to continue?" Elsa said, her expression filling with grim realization. "Even if it's pointless?"
"You're goddamn right. So what if we hit a snag? We've hit snags before, that doesn't mean we throw in the towel. That doesn't mean we give up!" Anna shot back. She was angry again, furious even. "Don't you get it!? I can't let it go. I can't give up on mom and dad!"
"I can't watch you die. I won't be a part of it," Elsa said, nearly choking on the words as she spoke them.
"After everything we've been through? After how far we've come? How could you fucking do this to me?!" Anna yelled, tasting the salt on her words from the tears that were streaming down her face.
Elsa said nothing, but turned her glistening eyes towards the door. Next, she picked up her bag, opened the door and stepped out into the cool morning air.
"Fine, fuck you, Elsa. Run away from your fucking problems like you always do. Run away from me!" Anna threw all of her frustration and rage and sorrow into her voice as she called after her sister. "It's what you fucking do best!"
Elsa turned and for a small moment they locked eyes. She was also crying. Pain and grief etched clearly into her face but she said nothing, then spun around and continued on her way. Anna fell against the wall and sank to her knees, crying for the sister she lost for a second time.
That was the last time Elsa and Anna saw each other for the next three years.
