An Uncanon Sidetrip Because Jael's a Girl


It had been a month, a month!, of traveling by horse through forests, mountains, etc. Jael was out of her meager batch of supplies. It's not like I knew that I'd be traveling for a minimum of six months! I thought it'd just be three days. My cabin had all the stuff I could have possibly needed!

As such, on one particularly fine day-the sun was gently shining down, the lake nearby sparkled, the birds sung sweetly-Jael woke up in a foul mood. "How close are we to the nearest village?"

Fili, the nearest one, replied. "Uh, five hours journey, I guess."

She nodded, "Uh huh, and, uh, are we going to stop at said village?"

Thorin spoke up majestically, his words successfully enraging her. "No. Our supplies have not run out, and-"

She held up a hand, "I'm gonna stop you right there. We are going to stop there, or you're going to have one less party member."

All of the dwarves, and Gandalf, turned to look at her, confused. She rolled her eyes. "If I remember correctly, and I do, I told you that I needed to get supplies that only women would need, right?" Her taut voice showed how strained she felt, having to remind them that she was a girl and that she had different needs than they did!

Thorin clearly didn't get it. "Can't you just use something from the woo-"

"Thorin, you may be a future King, but if you finish that sentence, you won't have to wonder if the dragon will kill you, because I will kill you!" His mouth closed with a snap, and she relaxed a little.

"Now look. I'm in pain, and I'm out of supplies. I didn't even mention my last cycle to you guys at all, so the least you could do is be a tiny bit sympathetic and guide me to the village!"

Thorin still clearly did not want to go, and Dwalin, stubborn Dwarf that he was, backed his king up.

Jael took a very deep, very long breath. "Okay. Okay. We can do this the easy way, or the hard way."

Kili piped up, "What's the easy way?"

"You take me to the village." She smiled at the teenager-well, he certainly wasn't an adult because Dwarves became adults at 85! Therefore he had to be a teenager….sort of.

Tentatively, Ori asked, "And the hard way?"

"I currently feel as if there are metal shards destroying my insides, and I'm bleeding profusely. I'll allow you to feel the same so that we have to go to the village." Seeing their terror/revulsion/disbelief, she laughed. "Nah, I'm just kidding. Your future king just won't ever have any heirs besides his nephews, that's all."

.

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Long story short, Gandalf convinced them that they should forgive her angry words that came from pain, and they brought her to the village, where he gave her a pouch of money. "This should be enough to buy what you need, Jael."

She grinned wanly. "Thanks, Gandalf." Then she walked away….okay, so she was hobbling. Let a girl have some dignity.

Asking a woman for directions, she soon made her way to an herbalist's store, where she collapsed as soon as she entered. A woman, who, for once, was shorter than her, looked up, saw her, and clicked her tongue in sympathy. "Oh, you poor dear."

Quickly, she flitted around the store, gathering herbs, and mushing them together into a paste before forming them into little pills to make them easier to swallow. Bringing a cup of tea and the pills to Jael, she handed them to her, watching her swallow them with nary a second thought.

The almost instant relief Jael felt made her ask. "Are you a wizard?"

The girl laughed. "No, I'm a dwobbit."

Jael looked up. "Oh? That's cool. But, no, seriously. How did you know that I needed those herbs?"

"Honey, women who walk in and collapse only ever need one thing from me."

"...fair point." She stuck her hand out. "I'm Jael Tolkien."

The dwobbit's eyes widened. "Tolkien?! Like Lord of the Rings Tolkien?!"

"You're from Earth?!"

'You are too?!"

[The author will draw a curtain to protect your eardrums from the earth-shattering squeals.]

"So what's your name, fellow Earthian….and I am never saying that again."

"I'm Braelynn. Were you born here like me?"

"Nah. Gandalf transmigrated me cause I said, in the heat of the moment, crying my eyes out in the theater, that I'd do anything to change the ending for Durin's line."

She winced. "Why do men always take women so literally?"

Jael shrugged. "No clue. And let me tell you, they were a lot more likable as characters. Don't get me wrong, I love them all to pieces, but Thorin's majesty tends to grate on the nerves after a while."

Braelynn sighed. "Anyway, I can give you some supplies, but most of this stuff is perishable and won't last long."

Jael almost broke down into tears at the thought of no more magic-like herbs to get rid of her cramps and pain. "No, there's no way I can survive now that I know this magic exists here."

"I keep telling you it's not magic."

"I'm kidnapping you. Is there anything you need to bring on this quest that I'm forcing you to join?"

"..." Braelynn stared at her, before sighing. "You know what? This is actually fine. If I stay here, I'd just end up getting married to someone I don't like so that I don't have to listen to my siblings' and parents' nagging. At least if I go with you, I'll be able to see Fili and Kili in real life."

Jael smirked. "I ship Kili and Tauriel so you can only have Fili. That cool?"

Braelynn laughed. "That's fine. I always thought he was the hotter one anyway." So Thorin is off-limits, huh, Jael? I knew you complained about him too much to not have at least a bit of a crush on him.

And so, just like that, Jael sold off one of her friends without his knowledge just so that she wouldn't have to be in pain. Of course, he only ever learned this after he'd been married for twenty years so he couldn't really do anything about it, but he did give Jael the cold shoulder for two days.

Packing up what she needed-herbs, knives, mortar and pestle, etc-Braelynn said, "Now, I'll leave a note for my overprotective siblings, and then we should run. I don't want to be anywhere near here when they find out I'm leaving them for adventure and a dragon."

~~~time skip~~~

It took about an hour and a half for Jael to meet Braelynn, convince her to come, leave the store, and find the Company. During that time, the dwarves, except Thorin, had all found the local tavern and gotten slightly tipsy.

Jael looked at them, shaking her head. "Why am I not surprised."

Thorin, hearing her voice, turned to see her, his majestic-totally-not-a-grumpy-frown morphed into a full-on glare when he spotted Braelynn.

"Who is this?"

"Hmmm? Oh, this is Braelynn. She's the herbalist who helped me, and she's joining the Company."

"No."

Jael sighed, but those herbs were still nullifying her pain, so she had a bit more patience then she'd had this morning. "You don't have to pay her. I'm the one hiring her so I'll be the one to pay her from my portion of the treasure. Also, she can keep me pain-free which means I'll be happier and less-likely to want to stab you every month."

Thorin had no way to refuse. He had actually sort of feared for his life earlier, and he didn't really want to go through with it again. "Very well. She can stay."

Jael beamed at him. "Thanks so much, Thorin! I promise you won't regret it!" She hugged him in her excitement, and then dragged Braelynn off to meet the others, leaving Thorin stunned.

Extra Scene:

"Braelynn?" Five sturdy dwobbit males walked into the store, ready to escort their sister home. "Braelynn, are you done for the day? Mother-" Seeing only a very conspicuous note, the tallest walked over to read it.

'Dear Mother, Father, Sisters, and Brothers,

I'm writing this to tell you that I'm running away from home. I'll be safe and home in a couple months? Maybe a year or two? Anyway,

Love you! Braelynn

P.S. Please only let Tilly watch the shop. I don't trust any of the rest of you to not accidentally kill someone. Love you again!

The five brothers looked at each other, speechless.


Author's Note: Hey...please don't kill me? I completely forgot about this book, and my others *guilty laughter* because I've been reading lots of fanfic? My bad? Anyway, I woke up, saw that someone had voted, suddenly remembered this fanfic, and wrote this in about half an hour. Sorry if it's crappy or not what you wanted. I'll try to check it over when I'm not dead tired at 5:49.

AN 2: Dwobbits are Dwarf/Hobbit children. In other words, a Dwarf and a Hobbit fell in love, got married, and had children.