He should have known.
From the moment they met, he should have known this would happen. Should've seen this coming, should've prepared for it—or better yet, should've severed the ties before they'd even formed. But then again, at the same time he'd had no way of knowing, either. Sure, Tetsuhiro had followed him around like a diligent puppy for the past five years, but Souichi had always chalked that up to him being an eager kouhai. And he was right, in a way—except that eagerness laid in a much more nefarious place.
He'd hidden it well though—so well, in fact, that when he'd confessed a year prior, Souichi was stunned. To think that he'd had one of them standing so close to him all this time…it was sickening to think about. And it was even more sickening to think that he'd not only accepted it, but allowed him to…kiss…
Even just thinking about it like this, it took every bit of strength he had to not keel over and vomit. And what strength he had left was very, very faint. Because though he'd reacted so violently upon waking up and recalling what had happened, in truth, he was shaken. Disturbed. Rattled all the way to his core by how completely, utterly, and deeply violated he'd been. To think that he'd trusted Tetsuhiro, to think that he'd allowed him to stay so close to him after that confession…
He wanted to kill him. The moment their eyes met that morning, he wanted nothing more than to gouge them out, and then to rip his heart right from his chest while he screamed for mercy—not that he'd get any, of course. Because he was a beast, they all were; depraved, dishonest, disgusting beasts, and beasts that deserved no mercy nor pity.
He'd known this, known it for years, and yet still, among all the rage and anger and hatred burning throughout his body, there was something else, something…different. Rather than hot and fiery, it was cold and sharp. But what was it? Could it be shame? Regret? Guilt? Betrayal, even?
He didn't know what to call it, but he did know it was painful—very, very painful, and it had only grown more painful as the day had progressed. It had started off small, in fact he hadn't even noticed it until after Tetsuhiro had left. It had grown a bit bigger while he was in the shower, and then even bigger while he was getting dressed, and as he continued his way home, it had festered to the point where his entire body was wracked with that cold, sharp pain. He said nothing to no one, instead just locked himself in his room, curled up in bed, with no friend but the darkness to comfort him. He wanted to sleep, but he couldn't, and so instead he had no choice but to think, and the thoughts grew even more unpleasant as the hours ticked by.
At first, the events of the previous night played before his eyes like a broken record, unceasing, unending, unrelenting—but then slowly, gradually, they shifted to that morning, in particular what Tetsuhiro had said.
"You…told me everything last night. Or, at least, some things. And I'm telling you that it's not something to be ashamed of. Being gay, I mean."
Lies. All of them. He'd spent years keeping those types of thoughts and feelings locked away so tightly that even Souichi himself couldn't reach them. There was no way he'd let them slip so easily. Tetsuhiro must have done something to him, given him something, slipped him some…drug or serum that had loosened his lips.
"You told me that you were jealous of how Tomoe was able to accept himself and live happily while you were struggling."
Tomoe. Right, that's where it had all started. But who wouldn't struggle with something like that? Having your eighteen-year-old younger brother move away to an entirely different country with a man he'd only just met…anyone would struggle with that, wouldn't they? And to say that he was jealous…well, in some ways, he supposed that wasn't entirely false. Tomoe's happy, innocent, carefree attitude had always been troublesome and gotten him into countless undesirable situations, but at the same time…he'd always wondered what that would be like. Souichi knew he had a temper, a very violent one, in fact, and he'd struggled with it for more years than he could remember. But most of that violence, he knew, stemmed from stress and anxiety, which he'd struggled with for even longer. In fact, not a day had passed that Souichi hadn't thought about Tomoe, how he was doing, if he was safe, if something had happened…so yes, he was struggling. He'd been struggling. But then…
"Then you asked me what it was like to have sex with a man, and after I told you, you…"
There was no way. No way that he…that Souichi had…he couldn't think of it. He couldn't even begin to think that he'd really asked something like that, even being as drunk as he'd been. That was a lie. A lie he'd concocted in order to push the blame onto someone else instead of taking responsibility for his actions. It had to be…
With a deep, exasperated sigh, Souichi rolled over and looked to the clock on his nightstand. 5:30. Had it really been that long? Maybe he had managed to sleep, even if just a little. That, or he'd been so deep in thought that he'd lost all concept of reality. Either way, he needed to get up—he didn't want Kanako or Matsuda worrying about him. And he certainly couldn't tell them what had happened. So instead he'll say he just had a bad hangover, nothing more.
Sitting up required much more effort than it should have, and actually opening his phone beyond the lock screen took even more. He'd forgotten to turn it off before coming home, so he'd heard it vibrate a few times over the past few hours. Upon looking through his notifications, he found they all had come from voicemails—one of which, unsurprisingly, had come from Tetsuhiro. He knew he should've just deleted it, but without thinking, he pressed play and listened.
"Hi, Senpai, it's me. I just got back from school and wanted to update you on how the experiments are proceeding."
Usually he was so cheery when talking about schoolwork, or at the very least pleasant, but now he sounded so…distant and despondent. So Souichi wasn't the only one affected by what had happened—in some weird, twisted way, that comforted him, just a bit.
"So anyway, that's pretty much it. I also left some notes for you in the lab next time you're in there. I highly doubt that you'll actually listen to this voicemail. But if you do…I want you to know that I'm sorry for hurting you. I'll save you the trouble of cutting me out of your life, so for now, just…take care, Senpai. I love…goodbye…forever…"
Souichi thought he heard the faintest hint of crying in his voice near the end. Could it be that Tetsuhiro actually felt bad about what he'd done? No, no, what was he thinking? He was probably just sad that they couldn't fuck again. Surely he'd find someone new to prey upon soon enough.
With a sigh, Souichi tossed his phone aside and curled back into his ball, embraced by the darkness, as tears stroked his cheeks.
Lol, not me starting this series and then disappearing for almost a year...anyway, hope y'all enjoy this little update. We'll see if any more follow it, but for now enjoy :)
~Anton
