Peggy set down her tea, her face serious. It was an important matter. "But would you?"
Ilania snorted. "Are you kidding me? Bloody hell. Who wouldn't?"
"Minerva?" Peggy prompted.
Minerva stared intently at the staff room table. She could feel her cheeks going red. "I'm not discussing this during work hours."
They rolled their eyes at her, neither of them particularly surprised by the answer.
"Anyway, I think it's about bloody time," said Ilania. "I'm tired of being looked at by horrible old men. I want to be the one gazing at something delectable every day."
"That's quite an age gap," Peggy noted.
"Do you think I care? Christ, I wouldn't care if it were twice what it is."
Minerva looked away. They noticed, of course. They always noticed when she was being a prude.
"Delectable," Ilania whispered in her ear, putting a ridiculous amount of emphasis on the word.
"Stop it…"
"Minerva, dear," said Peggy, "we've had this conversation before. It's alright if you don't like the opposite se-"
"I am not suggesting that I don't like… Look, I simply feel that it is an immature and needless conversation to have. Especially in the workplace, especially concerning-"
Ilania cut her off. "Min, I understand. I do. But we live here."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"We live here for ten months out of the year."
"That's not-"
"Ten months," she repeated. "We need something to talk about that isn't work-related once in a while or we will go mad. I told you, I'm still considering handing Dippet my notice and then burning down the Astronomy Tower on my way out. I daydream about it frequently, in fact… Is that what you want, Minerva? Do you want me to burn down the Astronomy Tower?"
"I'm not discussing it."
They were silent for a while as Ilania tried to figure out how to force Minerva to answer and Minerva tried to figure out how to escape.
Peggy sighed. "Anyway, I don't know. You don't get 'em like that very often. I would have to say… yes. I would. Many… many times. Multiple times a day if I could."
Ilania laughed loudly. "Good lord, Peg."
"What? It's the pregnancy. It makes you… you know. Particularly passionate."
"Yeah, let's call it that."
Dee walked in carrying a stack of papers and smiled when she saw them. "What are we talking about?" she asked, joining the women at the table and tossing her papers aside.
"We're doing Yes or No."
"Ah. And who is the- oh, right. Of course."
Ilania nodded. "Of course. And your answer?"
Dee made a "tsk" sound. "I have eyes, don't I?"
"Is that a yes?" asked Peggy.
"Have you ever heard the expression 'like a tree?'"
They all burst out laughing.
All of them, except Minerva.
"Can we please not talk about this anymore?" she begged, already knowing the answer.
Ilania folded her arms and gave Minerva a stern Minerva-like look. "No, because you still haven't answered the question. So, would you?"
"I told you, I'm not discussing this during work hours."
"So… yes?"
"I did not say yes."
"But if it wasn't during work hours, would you say yes?" asked Peggy.
"I have no comment on the matter."
"We'll assume 'yes,' then," Ilania said with a smile.
"Don't-"
"Come on!" Peggy moaned. "I'm married. I have to live vicariously through you."
Dee shook her head. "See, Min? You're letting Peggy down. Don't disappoint Peggy."
"Shut up."
"Do you not have a romantic bone in your body?" Ilania asked, feigning concern.
Peggy stifled a giggle. "Well, it's not really romance, is it?"
They all laughed while Minerva went back to staring at the table with a fierce intensity. "This is highly unprofessional," she told them.
But they were determined, now. "It's a simple question," Ilania insisted. "Yes or no?"
"I'm not answering that."
"Yes or no?" said Dee.
"You really must stop-"
They all interrupted her at the same time. "Yes or no?"
"FINE! YES, I WOULD SHAG-"
At that moment, the door to the staff room opened and Tom walked in.
"Good lord," Minerva muttered, hiding her face in her hands.
Ilania, Peggy, and Dee erupted into laughter, and Tom stared at them like they had gone mad.
"What?" he demanded.
They laughed even harder.
"What?" he said again.
More laughing.
"I'm going to work now," Minerva mumbled, almost running to escape the staff room.
"What was that about?"
"Nothing, nothing," Ilania breathed, wiping tears from her eyes.
He gave them a confused look before walking over to change the study hall schedule.
They all watched him.
Carefully.
When he turned around to leave, they were still staring. And not one of them cared that he saw.
"Why are you staring at me?"
"Are we?" said Ilania quietly. The confusion on his face was priceless.
"Right…" he said. "I'm leaving now."
He turned to leave and they watched him go.
"I'm telling you," said Dee.
Ilania nodded. "Mm."
"Like a tree."
