So.

Forgive me if this is full of typos. I literally can only barely keep my eyes open right now. I will do a little proof-reading tomorrow, but in the meantime...

ssg.x.

CHAPTER 30
NIGHTINGALE

How can he do this to me?

Hans…

Elsa slid down the length of the wall, her useless legs collapsing beneath her. She looked up at Hans, at the smug little grin on his face, and shook her head, crossing her trembling hands over her heart.

"How can you do this to me?" she asked weakly.

Hans cocked his head to one side and shrugged his shoulders. "I didn't do a thing." He lowered himself on one knee and reached out a bandaged hand to tilt her chin up so he could look her in the eye. She looked back at him hazily. "You did this to yourself, Your Grace."

Elsa glanced up at the clear window, the sheets of ice having fallen away from the glass and dissolved into the air like the rest of the snow and ice that had piled up in the room over the course of the past couple of weeks. The sun was beginning to set.

"Kai will come looking for me soon," she said.

"I'm not afraid of him," Hans smirked.

She rested her head on his shoulder.

"How's your hand? Did I hurt you?" she asked quietly.

"Excruciatingly," he said. He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "But it was worth it."

She had bit him – hard - but it was either that or let anyone who might be within earshot get a hint of what she had just been up to. The layers of bandage only offered Hans so much protection from her deceptively powerful jaw.

"How's your hand?" he asked.

"Oh, don't," Elsa groaned, turning to bury her face in his chest.

"What are you embarrassed about? You're still alive, I'm still alive, nobody got hurt, and no young, innocent minds were warped –"

"Oh my God, stop it," she laughed.

"Though, just between you and me," he said, "sixteen-year-old me was doing backflips the entire time."

Elsa had stood on her own two feet for as long as she could. She had no idea she'd come to lose control of her senses so completely when Hans first instructed her to lean against the wall with her back to him, the hem of her dress gathered up around her thighs. His lips stayed at her ear, the front of his body flush against the back of hers.

When he had told her he would "talk her through it", she'd had something else in mind. Something more…clinical. But that wasn't what happened at all. He merely told her to touch herself. She'd laughed nervously when he'd given her the inexplicit suggestion. Touch herself. Sure, she was naïve, but she knew that much at least. And then what?

She tentatively started to touch herself, just through the silk fabric of her drawers at first. Not giving her the chance to let her nerves or any feelings of shame delay the task (literally) at hand any further, Hans began to speak. He was a born storyteller, she decided, just before letting her fingers slip through the split in her drawers as he set the stage for an imagined clandestine meeting between the two. As he spoke, he would roll his hips against her backside, almost lifting her heels off the ground as her fingers took on many forms inside her – his icy breath, his clever tongue, his long fingers, his…

Her legs began to wobble beneath her, and Hans' arm appeared from behind her, flattening as much as it could against the wall to keep the two of them upright when it seemed that even he was beginning to lose his balance.

His voice grew increasingly rougher, his breathing more ragged as her fingers began to move with greater urgency between her legs. She was barely aware of the freeze; all she knew was the sound of Hans' voice in her ear, and the pulsing against the pads of her fingers. She weakly reached around herself, cupped Hans in her hand, her thumb stroking him none-too-gently through his trousers. She was fast losing dexterity in both her hands, so unfastening Hans' clothing to free him of their confines was an impossibility, but he moaned his appreciation of her efforts as he rocked into her again.

Hans' other arm had been wrapped around her waist, but he must have recognized the signs that she was almost at her end – the tightening of her body, the galloping breaths and the faint mewls of pleasure that started to bleed into them, longer and louder… Before she knew what was happening, she was biting down hard on Hans' offered hand, and swallowing one delirious cry after another as her body erupted into spasms between her fingers and the man whose words had guided them. Moments before she fell lax in his arms, he had urged her to let him know "when you're going to come", but when she came (she could only assume that the tightening and subsequent feeling of euphoria was what he was referring to), the words just couldn't. She could barely form a coherent thought, let alone speak it aloud.

She tilted her head for the kiss – the real kiss she'd wanted and needed from the moment after they'd shared their last in the library before their goodbyes, but it never came.

"Thank you," Hans whispered, pressing a moist kiss to her temple instead.

"For what?" she asked breathlessly, quickly shaking off the feeling that something was wrong.

"For letting me see you undone," he replied.

Releasing a long, contented sigh, she murmured, "How can you do this to me?"

Once Elsa's faculties had returned to her, she gazed mournfully at Hans. Soon she'd be expected to make an appearance in the dining room, whether anyone wanted her there or not, simply so that she could push the food on her plate around a couple of times with her fork to disguise the fact that she had no appetite.

"You know, I thought that once my powers were no longer a secret and I took back the throne, things would…" Elsa struggled a little trying to find the right words.

"Go back to normal?" Hans suggested.

"Well, no. There was never a normal to go back to. I guess I thought that was the end of the story. The end of my story, I mean," Elsa said softly.

"I'm not sure how you thought that was going to work. You're young, you're healthy, you're unmarried…"

"I am, aren't I? And I feel like all that is wasted on me. I don't want to think it, but sometimes I can't help but wish that…" She brought her knees to her chin and rested against them. She didn't want to say it, but she knew by the way Hans had stopped breathing that he already knew what her next words would be. It would be cowardly not to speak them aloud. "I wish I'd never gone to see you."

Hans nodded silently.

"I'm sorry. I feel terrible for thinking it," she said miserably.

"Hearing it isn't a box of chocolates either," he replied. "But if I were to be one hundred percent honest –"

Elsa's eyes widened, feigning shock. "Hey, was that a pig that just flew past the window?"

"Har-har," Hans said flatly. "What I was going to say was that if I were to be honest, I'd admit that I've made the same wish more than once myself."

"You wish I'd never…?"

"Yes," he said. "You'd be happy."

"You'd be dead," Elsa said.

"You wouldn't know the difference," Hans pointed out. "If you had never left Arendelle to see me, you wouldn't have fallen for my infinite charm and wit, good looks, and –"

"Okay, easy there."

"And you would never have known what a good kisser I am –"

"Oh, please," Elsa laughed. She knew he was just trying to keep things light after her ugly confession, and it only made her want to skip dinner and stay with him even more. What she really wanted to do just then was massage the feeling back into her fingers, grab both his shoulders, pin him to the floor and –

"I have to tell you something."

Oh, no.

I have to tell you something.

Those six words never boded well for the two of them. Elsa mentally braced herself – against what, she had no idea, but her heart skipped so many beats in that moment that her breath became lost to her and she wondered if she'd ever get it back.

"Before you say anything else, what you're going to tell me – is it the truth to undo a lie you've already told me, or is it something you've kept from me?"

"I thought we'd decided that one wasn't worse than the other," Hans said as he leaned in close, touching her earlobe with the very tip of his tongue as he licked at his dry lips. "You know what's happening, don't you?"

"No," Elsa sighed, a delicious shiver moving through her despite her frustration with Hans for trying to use the promise of sex as a distraction. Please, not now. It was time to tell him what she'd been strongly suspecting for months – that there was a real possibility he could slowly freeze himself to death from the inside out if he wasn't careful. She had thought that if she wasn't around to stir up his emotions – good or bad – he would be okay. But after seeing the storm he was able to conjure when he lost his temper earlier, she knew that being in his life again, even if infrequently, meant that he could start inadvertently hurting himself again.

"You're qualifying. For me. It's incredibly romantic."

"I hate to burst your bubble, Hans, but I'm actually qualifying for myself."

"Yourself?" he chuckled softly. "Nothing arouses me more than self-preservation. I could pull you into my lap right now. My kingdom for a pair of working thumbs."

"Hans, I'm serious!" she said insistently. "I've been keeping something from you to protect myself at your expense. At your life's expense."

He finally pulled away from her to look her in the eye. "Let me speak first."

Elsa narrowed her eyes and frowned. "Why?" she asked carefully.

Hans smiled sadly. "Because I suspect that after I tell you what I have to tell you, whatever you've kept from me will no longer matter."

"Hans, you're scaring me."

His gaze softened, and she felt her chest tighten. His eyes…

She saw pity in them, sadness, resignation…

"Does this have something to do with why you won't kiss me?" she suddenly blurted out. Hans blinked, surprised by the outburst. "You've been afraid to get too close to me since I got here," she continued, her voice coming out harsher than she meant it to. "You've been trying to distract me with your body, with my body, with your words, but you won't kiss me. You won't tell me you love me. And now you've got that look in your eyes…that goodbye look." Crossing her arms, she held herself tightly, muscles tensed as though it was the only way she'd be able to keep from breaking apart. "I'm being selfish. I know I'm being selfish. I'm holding you emotionally hostage even though I know we can never be together in any real way. I have no right to ask you to…"

stay.

She couldn't finish the sentence. As much as she hated herself for it, a single sob got away from her and the next thing she knew, she was crying with no sign of stopping anytime soon.

Great, she thought. Just add emotional blackmail to the list of everything else she was doing to ruin the lives of everyone she cared about.

"Elsa…" Hans whispered, shaking his head.

"Don't," she moaned. "Please, don't."

"I have to," he said. Raising her hands, Elsa childishly tried to cover her ears, but Hans used his arms to bring them back down to her sides, forcing her to listen to what he had to say.

"I made a deal with my father. In exchange for a chance at freedom, I would have to make you my wife within three months of leaving the Southern Isles, otherwise someone would be sent to 'fetch me'. It was stupid, but it was the only way I could get to you. I was so afraid you were going to hurt yourself. You said that you'd slit your throat if you found out you were carrying my child. What could I do? I knew the chance that you were was slim, but what if I was wrong? Or worse yet, what if you believed by some miscalculation that you were pregnant?"

"Are you out of your mind?" Elsa whispered, utterly bewildered. "You knew I wouldn't marry you! And even if there was a chance I would, there was never going to be a chance that I could," she cried. "And I haven't wanted to admit that out loud, but now…" Elsa looked up at him, chin wobbling, tears staining her cheeks. "It's never going to happen, is it? We can't ever be together the way I want us to be."

Hans tried to pull her quaking body against his, but without working hands, he was easy to fight off. His shoulders slumped in defeat as Elsa got to her feet and stepped around him.

"Elsa, come on," Hans pleaded. "Just listen."

She crossed the room, leaving a trail of black ice behind with every stride that fanned out in all directions. Soon the floor and walls were completely coated with her anger and frustration. The ice on the window quickly condensed, blacking it out, plunging the room and everything in it into darkness – all except for Elsa. The freeze growing stronger inside of her caused the white feather over her heart to burn. She needed some sort of release, but the North Mountain was a long way off.

She crossed her arms and shook her head, keeping her back to him. She could hear Hans' footsteps as he approached her.

"Hans…" she began unsurely. "I can protect you."

"I don't want to fight with you, Elsa. I just wanted to let you know what was going on. I've imposed on you and your kingdom long enough."

"I never thought I'd say this," Elsa muttered, "but I miss when you were –"

"A monster?" Hans suggested. "Because I don't."

"I was going to say 'driven'."

Hans' hand tapped at his heart. "Ouch," he whispered, looking genuinely hurt. "Let me ask you something, Queen Elsa…"

Back to 'Queen Elsa' again, she thought sadly, but said nothing.

"You don't want me dead. You don't want me in prison. And now you seem to have changed your mind about letting me go – now you want me to stay. I've had so much time alone to think, and I still haven't been able to figure it out - what exactly do you want?"

Elsa let her arms drop to her sides. "I don't know," she said sharply. "I want you to go. I want you to stay. I want this all to stop. I want to be able to get to know you properly, and have you get to know me. I want snowball fights. I want to learn how to dance, and I want you to teach me. I want to sit under a tree with you, reading books and eating all our favourite foods. I want to know what your favourite foods are."

She clenched her fists, and the panels of ice coating the walls began to glow a dark, angry red. The feather emblazoned on her chest felt like it was on fire. Hans took some steps towards her but she smoothly conjured a barrier between them. This time, though, he willed it away without a second's pause.

"If it isn't an emotional wall, it's an actual wall. No more walls, Queen Elsa," he said angrily.

"You're one to talk about erecting walls," she snapped back. "'Queen Elsa'? That isn't your way of putting distance between us? That isn't a wall?"

"That was all you," he said. "You made us strangers. The damn shackles did less damage to my hands than you did to me. You abandoned me in that prison."

"I apologized for that!" Elsa shouted.

"You should know better than anyone that apologies don't guarantee forgiveness," he replied calmly.

Elsa scowled at him. "I just thought of something else I want. I want us to stop this. Every time we see each other, we argue. We try to hurt each other, we say a bunch of things we regret – or at least I do – and then before we can ever resolve anything, we end up…" She paused, too embarrassed to continue.

Hans arched an eyebrow and smirked, ready to tease her, but she shot him a warning glare. Now was not the time. He cleared his throat and nodded, "Okay. No more arguing."

Elsa smiled, looking a little relieved. Not for long, though.

"You need to let me go," Hans said. Elsa shook her head, eyes wide with panic. "Elsa," he said again, insistently, "You need to let me go."

He's right. I know he's right.

But…

No, you know what? He isn't. I can protect him.

"I'm not letting you go."

Hans tried to reach for her again, but again she dodged him.

"I'm not letting you go, Hans. You're safe here. And…" Elsa took a deep breath and wrapped her arms around herself.

You have to tell him.

"And?" Hans smiled kindly. He'd made up his mind. He was only hearing her out now out of politeness.

She wrung her hands together. "And I think the freeze is killing you. Or…well…I think it could kill you."

Hearing the words out loud – I think it could kill you – made her feel sick. How could she withhold information like that for so long? It made sense at the time – she didn't think she could trust him not to use the freeze to try to take Arendelle from her again. But now…

Hans' face betrayed nothing. His silence was exceedingly unnerving the longer it went on. All Elsa could think to do was to keep talking.

"I've suspected it for a while now. You have no idea how ashamed I am for keeping it to myself, but I wasn't sure I could trust you. I have to put the safety of my people ahead of my feelings for…" Elsa squeezed her eyes shut. She couldn't look at him. He continued to stand perfectly still, the same blank look on his face. "I love you, Hans. I love you so much, but I couldn't see into the future. I had to weigh your life against the lives of hundreds of people. I couldn't tell you the freeze might be a danger to you without also telling you it was inside you, that it was at the mercy of your emotions, and I had no idea what you would have done had you known you had access to that power." Elsa pressed her hand to her chest. The movement caught Hans' eyes. He stared at her curiously. "This power," she said, gesturing to her heart. "I chose you over and over again in here, Hans…thousands of times in my heart."

Elsa reached out to touch one of his bandaged hands, but she hesitated just short of making contact. He was staring at the hand still on her chest.

"Hans…please say something?"

"I want you to let me go. If you love me, you'll let me go," he whispered. "We're at an impasse, Queen Elsa."

"Don't call me that," Elsa cried. "Please…"

He gazed stonily back at her. "If you can't see that by keeping me here I'm no better off than I was as a prisoner of my parents, you couldn't possibly love me."

She took a step back as though he'd struck her open-palmed across her face. "How can you say that to me? I'm trying to protect you from them!" she shouted, forgetting herself. People will hear you.

"No, what you're trying to do is leave me trapped in this limbo you've created to keep me close, but not too close."

"I'm trying to keep you safe," Elsa said, straining to keep her voice at a nice, respectable level in case the two guardsicles she'd sent off to defrost earlier had returned to their post.

"Then you've learned nothing from your parents' mistakes," Hans said plainly. "You've locked me up the same way your parents locked you up. They weren't trying to keep you safe, Elsa – they were trying to keep the world safe from you. And now you're doing the same thing - except you're not trying to keep the world safe from me, despite how many times you've no doubt tried to convince yourself otherwise. You're trying to keep yourself safe from me."