Chapter 2
As I leave the first dungeon, despite having the wits scared out of me by the wall hands of death, I muse at how surprisingly easy it was. I can only assume further forays into the underworld will spike in difficulty and my hand is being abused by the poor quality of this wooden sword, so priority uno is getting better gear. Tout suite.
I make my way North from the Dungeon entrance, and then follow a sparkling river that branches off from Lake Hyrule heading North before turning sharply East into the mountains. My enjoyment of the river is immediately ruined by the appearance of numerous falling rocks, like seriously, is the whole fucking mountain about to collapse? Or is Donkey Kong a popular pastime among mountain giants, used to torment innocent passerby? I know these are supposed to be inanimate objects, but the would-be scree have an uncanny knack to always redirect their trajectory just as I'm about to pass. I take several hard blows, simultaneously appreciating both that my upgraded jerkin likely saved my life and the irony that I have slayed hundreds of dangerous creatures with actual murderous intent, only to be almost felled by some falling rubble. Fuck! Another near-collision. Should they ever be invited to this kingdom's version of The Price is Right , these rocks would be excellent at Plinko. Probably have trouble at the wheel though.
Where the hell was I going? Oh yes, sword upgrade! After stumbling through the rocks and pass a fleetly flowing waterfall, I'm encouraged by the thought that they were trying to deter me from something important, a suspicion that is validated as I meander up some long stairs and stumble onto a lovely pond in an equally serene hidden plateau. The pond appears to be the source of the waterfall and coursing river I've just traversed. That's all I'm able to take in as a menacing blue centaur assaults me with sword beams of his own. His hurt much more than mine and my wooden baton is wildly ineffective against his thick hide. I've landed several blows and despite the tell-tale flashing of his torso he remains alive and deadly. I need. A better. Frickin'. SWORD!
I have a flashback of my 'taking care of magical creature's class' from Elfling school and recall that this six-limber's name is Lynel – ha! what a dork! - so I make a mental note to come back and kick his nerd ass…when I'm stronger. I feint left and cut right, ducking under Lynel's outstretched arm, and enter the cave in this glen. I'm hoping for Clonses or an Og, but really anything would be better than an angry blue man-horse, even if I have to pay for some asshole's plumbing.
As my eyes adjust to the gloom and the inevitable fire bushes, I almost weep with relief, for lying on the cave floor, is a beautiful sword, just calling out for me. It's pearly white, with an inlaid blue stone handle. My sore palm practically whimpers in anticipation. I step forward—
"Master using it and you can have this," Clonses sputters.
— and sigh, reluctantly stepping back. "What's that now? Listen, I thought I'd gotten used to your useless drivel, vague statements or flat-out larcenous proclamations by now, but this is a whole other degree of dumb. 'Master using it and then you can have it?'. How the fuck do you suppose I would go about doing so, exactly, if I can't actually acquire the thing I'm supposed to perfect first? Do you understand how before and after work, you ancient bumbaclot?! You need to give me the sword, and then I go stick the pointy end into bad things, starting with horsebreath outside, and that's how I get better at it. It's the process by which anyone learns anything, like me learning to be such a stylish adventurer, and how you learned to be a useless mouth-breather. Now, give me my upgrade or I'll master it on your decomposing flesh."
Before he can answer, I snatch the shiny beauty from the floor and hold it aloft. I can feel its power coursing through my veins. To any would-be heroes out there, listen up, if you ever have occasion to go from wood to metal…go ahead and, you know, do so. It's tre better.
As I re-emerge into the warm sunshine, I had no idea the universe wanted Lynel's ass kicked so bad, but having answered my prayers of increased strength almost immediately I have no choice but to test my new weapon on this blue mutant. In only 3 hits, the beast goes down. Of course he hit me once or twice as well, so my health is in peril, but the efficacy of the sword is proved. But I need healing fast.
Proceeding down the steps adjacent to the waterfall, I decide to continue East instead of venturing past the sentient stones again. One more wayward bounce and I'm toast. I traverse past a rock-filled mesa before descending down some more steps into familiar territory. This gumdrop shaped boulder is one I previously bombed, so I take a moment to orient myself. The gambling house, lonely letter-writing hermit and the door repair shitstain are to the East and there are rocks to either side of me, stairs notwithstanding so I decide to venture West into unknown territory.
I do so and a few steps later find myself in a full-blown desert, marveling at the impossibly diverse ecosystems in Hyrule, emphasis on impossible. Mere meters away from lush forests, bountiful lakes and vibrant, snaking rivers sits an arid wasteland. I believe the locals call it the "Oklahoma desert" because on a map it supposedly looks like something called Oklahoma? I dunno, I was never good at multiverse geography, so I've never heard of it, we just colloquially call it the Panhandle desert.
I'm still in dire need of healing and now I have to risk dehydration and profuse sweating as well. I arbitrarily choose left, right, left and after plodding through sand avoiding the ambush-style attacks of the lurking Leevers, I emerge into more comfortable wooded terrain.
I stumble through the forests slaying creatures but none leave their tell-tale heart. I head north from a glade with a weird ear-shaped alcove and I find myself in a little oasis. A fairy materializes and heals me to full health! I consider proposing to her on the spot or at least testing how far elf-fairy hybrids can go but I reluctantly return to my adventure, energy restored.
A few twists and turns from the fairy, I render another bush to ash, and find another Og who's generosity matches the first and I pocket 100 rupees. I'm now full to bursting – even magic coin pouches have limits – and naturally I know that in elvish culture, 256 is an unlucky number, representing the number of horns, eyes and legs of a Scrumpled Gornak respectively, so I can't possibly collect more rupees than 255, or risk dooming my quest. Otherwise, that would be a laughably arbitrary number, wouldn't it? Long story short (too late!), I need to buy something stat. I take stock of the stores I've come across; I could buy shields, bombs, a turkey leg, keys and hearts. What's really worth a nearly full purse?
As I ponder the pros and cons of various sundries, I'm pretty much auto-piloting the green woods and before I know it, I'm back to home base again. I go up, pop in and say hi to the owner of Wal-Mart, pick up some more candle oil and decide to proceed West over a small bridge into unexplored territory. Another cave beckons in this open clearing, dotted with only two green bushes. A few slayed Octorok's later and I enter the cave, expecting another hoary hermit.
Well paint me blue and call me Lynel, it's an old fucking woman! I assume, the old fucking woman, she of the stagnant pen-pal request. I wait, but she just stares as stupidly as her male brethren.
"Jesus H. Christ, speak much? If any of you old fucks' ever want to get together and form a bridge club or take a 'how to have a conversation 101' class or something, it might improve your social skills. I've known Aspie's that engage better than you. It's cool, by the way, luckily I know what to do here, otherwise this would be another great waste of time."
I offer the letter, and without even thanking me, the rude crone just launches into a fucking sales pitch without preamble. The nerve. Nay, the audacity! Appearing magically in front of her are a very familiar red potion and its heretofore unseen, but easily recognizable blue sibling. This isn't a test like the old men have, she's flat out selling them. 40 rupees for blue, 68 for red. Blue, red, the same dyad of old that clearly governs this land, now represented in literal life-restoring form. Even Neo knew what to do when offered the choice between a blue pill and red pill, except unlike his case, there's no buyer's remorse or wondering what would happen if I had chosen the blue potion.
I mean, these multiple choice tests are super lame, or based solely on a players sloth, I mean, what idiot wouldn't spent just a few more minutes killing monsters until they had a measly 28 more rupees, knowing you get an entire extra potion out of it, assuming you were inclined to buy a potion in the first place? A red is equal to two blue's and two blue's is 80 rupees. Ergo, the 15% discount the crone is offering for the red potion is practically a Bed, Bath and Beyond coupon, which given the temerity of some of these merchants is a god-send.
I realize now that the very first Clonses wasn't trying to poison me after all, he was indeed offering me a health potion, and I briefly consider going to apologize, but I then think of the door repair dickhead and any thoughts of contrition evaporate, even if that was a different clone. They all blend. Besides, even knowing it's an elixir doesn't make that test any less simple to ace, right?, so just offer up the heart container as a reward for finding your ridiculously hidden locales. Geez. I choose not to buy a potion but make a mental note of this location should I need a potion later for dungeon 6 or 9….which I've chosen arbitrarily.
I circumnavigate the west side of Lake Hyrule and come to an unusual grouping of six statues. By unusual, I mean highly suspicious, so having learned how this land works, I immediately touch one of them and am only startled momentarily when it comes to life and proceeds to ram me. I slay it, surprised that what was literally a statue 10 seconds ago is so fragile and continue animating each statue in turn, one at time, until I am rewarded when the upper middle statue reveals a set of descending stairs.
It's another merchant and for a second I'm disappointed until my well-trained eyes fall upon the gorgeous sapphire ring sitting unceremoniously in the middle of the dirty den floor. "Boy this is really expensive," the merchant quips only this time he ain't joking. The price tag for the trinket is very steep, 250 rupees, what does he think this is: Kay's Jeweler? I briefly consider planting a bomb and making off with the blue band in the ensuing chaos but mama didn't raise no thief. Besides, what else am I going to spend my rupees on? Given this item costs 98% of the max collectible currency in this game it must do something pretty good, so nervously I scuttle forward and touch the ring. Despite the purchase power pose, nothing happens and I'm beside myself with fury.
Disconsolately, I ascend the stairs back into the warm sun and happen to glance down in despair. "By the puckered lips of a Wizzrobe! My tunic has gone from green to blue!" Clearly this is the work of the mysterious blue ring. But what wonders do this new garment hold? Apart from being a much prettier hue. As I make my way down the lakefront again, I'm struck by an errant fireball from a lurking Zora, the finned fuck. But what the deuce? My health didn't go down, despite the telltale flashing that ripples through my entire body. It's almost as if…light bulb, the new tunic is actually better armor! What a delightful turn of events. Well worth the money. Now, as to why the merchant didn't just sell the blue tunic in the first place, as opposed to an enigmatic accessory that mystically changes apparel, I'll never know but I appreciate the reduction in damage.
I can't help but marvel that I've managed to upgrade my armor and sword after just one dungeon and also acknowledging this could have all been accomplished even before the first had I been so inclined or on a second play through of the game, benefiting from increased familiarity. West of the lake I encounter another mob of Moblins, orange and green. I've deduced that orange/red is always the weaker variant of monsters and greenish/blue is always the stronger version. Which is very confusing when the opposite seems to be true for items and accessories. The red potion is the more potent brew, and since a blue ring now rests on my left hand, I assume there's an even stronger red ring out there somewhere. So exciting, I just really hope I don't have to wait until, like, the last dungeon before acquiring it! Right?! Good, glad we're all agreed.
One of the tusk-faced brutes drops a clock, and I'm momentarily set back. Is this troll late for a fucking soiree or something? I turn, half-expecting to see a waistcoat wearing white rabbit crashing through the underbrush but that vision does not materialize. I thought I'd gotten used to the unusual droppings, pun intended, left behind by the monsters, but this clock has my head spinning. It's a legit, red and white, working vintage alarm clock, like one of those twin-bell jobs you'd see on your grandmother's nightstand or jumping maniacally in a looney toons cartoon.
I reach for it cautiously, I suppose it's good to know when to take a snack break or if I need to set a snooze alarm for a quick power nap during dungeon 6. As I touch it, the cacophonous contraption vanishes but, I'll be damned if the remaining enemies on the screen didn't just freeze. I step closer to one of the green dog soldiers, so close I can smell his rancid breath. I poke him in his chest plate. No movement. Let me rephrase, he's still marching in place like an idiot, only he's apparently stuck, and restricted from other actions. Well, give me a pitchfork and call me Armos, that is handy. I mean, do I feel a little guilty stabbing immobilized monsters? Maybe a little, but given the chance they would sink their tusks into my tenders so dispatch them I must. As I prepare to do just so, they suddenly start moving again and the emerald mongrel standing mere inches away from me, jerks in surprise, not knowing how he let an enemy elf invade his privacy bubble without him knowing.
I curse myself for not assuming the magic clock would have a timer, not only is that literally its job, but an obvious game mechanic, especially this one. I make a mental note not to have a reverie next time I find a clock but either slay the enemies or skedaddle from the room. A little to the left and North of this clearing lies another lovely lake and I eagerly wait for the pretty pixie to encircle me with her healing hearts…but nothing happens. What the shit. Where's my healing bitch?! Well, I'm certain the powers that be wouldn't waste precious RAM on a decoy lake so I mark the location in my head as a spot to visit later.
There must have been a terrible fire in this part of the forest recently since all the flora is dead and the color of rotten pears. I figure some of these bushes must be flammable, given their decomposed state and I'm rewarded with a few more hidden bowers, where the appeasing Og clan rewards me more coin. Combined with the fact that the monsters in these woods cluster together, and a higher than average drop rate for the aforementioned alarm clock and soon I have nearly 150 rupees again.
I head back to the west bank of the lake and enter the shop there. The legit shop, not Kay Jeweler's mystery shop one click above. I note the name carved into the rock just left of the entrance. It's unimaginatively named "Blunt Things, Sharp Things" and indeed, the store carries a shield and arrows. I contemplate the shield upgrade but I actually seem to be faring quite fine with my current buffer. The rocks, boomerangs and spears lanced by the various enemies thus far all glance off it rather easily with a satisfying "clink", so long as I'm not attacking simultaneously. Seeing as I have a lonely bow collecting dust in my inventory, the one I procured in dungeon 1, I decide to complete the pair and purchase the arrows for 80 rupees.
I leave "Blunt Things, Sharp Things" and head North to visit Tiffany's one last time. I impulse buy the turkey leg, despite the fact the proprietor keeps calling it jerky. I tell him "You should label it as roasted leg of lamb or duck l'orange and sell the damn thing for 100 rupees like the greedy fucks over the hill are doing. Which reminds me, can you Trader Joe pricks get together at a hollowed out tree pub or something and all agree on set prices for all the goods in this kingdom? It would certainly help us heroes out, instead of giving us a mini-game within a game trying to figure out and remember which merchant has the cheaper items. Like, you have the best jerky price, Capt Blunt just below us has the Magic Shield for 130 but Steve at the lake's bend shop has it for 90 but then he sells the food for 100! I mean what in the ever-loving fuck are you all playing at? It's not like this land is so big that I won't spend the 30 seconds it takes to hike over 3 screens to get a cheaper item, so just friggin' agree, ok? Also, I can't help but notice that you already have another blue ring in stock, even though I just bought one, like, right before brunch. That really makes mine seem a whole lot less special, ya know? Has anyone ever tried to buy a second one before?"
By this point the pitiable purveyor is cowering in the corner of the shop, having slowly retreated in fear during my tirade, but at my question he hobbles over. "It has happened before, yes."
I wait, but the simpleton doesn't offer any more info so I press on. "Do the rings stack in effect, I mean if I wear two, does incoming damage reduce again by another half? Because that would be-"
"It does not. The second would be merely decoration."
I stare at him coldly. "Do…do ya tell the ignorant shopper of that little tidbit before they buy it twice or do you just take their money? It takes a good, long heckuva time for someone to get 250 rupees twice, you avaricious ass dandruff."
He shrugs, and I'm reminded of Clonses, I wonder if this is his son, the illegitimate fuck, probably the progeny of the lecherous old man and the letter-craving hag.
"You're very lucky I have to find dungeon 2 or else I'd use you as target practice for my new arrows. I'm going to bomb the Armos you're using as a roof and cause a cave-in here so you'll have to subsist on the remnants of whatever poor creature you slaughtered to peddle this foreleg."
I leave the cave, trying not to breathe in the odor wafting from the hunk of miscellaneous meat. It smells like the time my great-aunt Mildred ruined our Festival of Farore party by roasting a Giant Tektite carcass on a spit. I definitely will not be consuming this nasty morsel but perhaps some aggressive monster will be deterred by it, sparing my sensitive elvish flesh. I place it in my magic satchel, admiring how everything always shrinks in size as it goes in, and making a mental note to visit the cleaners in Kakariko village.
Ok, having no idea where to go next, I decide random exploration is what's needed so I start hacking my way Southeast back to the starting point, since that's most familiar and a good place to get one's bearing. I go East a bit and preferring to stick with woods for now I proceed in a Northeasterly direction bypassing a tiny lake a fraction of the size of Lake Hyrule. Still inhabiting it are the exasperating Zora but I've become quite adept at dodging their slow missiles.
From the northern lip of the lake I make a bullet line East until the woods get much denser. After squeezing through a narrow Elf-sized path through one section, I enter a six-way clearing so decide to arbitrarily go up. Another quick left turn and I find myself in a rocky valley at the bottom of an intimidating but compelling blue staircase. At the top is a metal structure with a gaping mouth. I swear the thing looks like it has eyes, and I briefly struggle with the notion it might chomp me like any "non-diamonds in the rough", trying to enter the Cave of Wonders. It doesn't however, and I enter what can only be another dungeon, which I'm creatively calling…'2'.
Three things assault my senses as I enter the lair. A) The same foreboding, morose music from the prior dungeon is the same one currently blaring through the hidden speakers inset in the walls here. 2) The same set of creepy statues holding an epic staring contest are also present in this lobby and D) the palette here is an astonishingly vivid blue, almost the same hue as Centerfold of the Year, Princess Zelda's eyes. I'm sure by room 4 it will become as mind-numbingly abhorrent as the aqua job from the last dungeon, but for the moment it's lovely, so as I steel myself here in this attractive azure antechamber, it's a moment of bliss that I won't soon forget. At least for the next three rooms. Off we go.
Holy Christ, snakes, why did it have to be snakes? I spare an empathetic tribute to fellow dungeon explorer, Indiana Jones, first of his name. The first several chambers in every direction seem to just be replete with the repulsive reptiles. Called Ropes, the sinewy serpents are perhaps best characterized by their explosive movement when they spot prey. Normally, they trundle about the various rooms, their concertina movements propelling them around languidly, but if you were to step into their line of sight, they make a bee line straight toward you, like a blood-crazed Maenad spotting a wayward male passerby.
Fortunately for me, their direct dash is no different than a suicide-by-cop charge to an Elf on guard, as they literally run right into the business end of your sword, but should you be inconvenienced by an ill-timed sneeze, they might rudely body-check you which, for anyone who's been thumped by a snake can attest, can quickly ruin your day. Luckily for me, I dispatch them readily with my new achromatic blade, and after the second dying snake leaves its reptilian heart behind, bolstered to full strength, my restored trusty sword beams keeps me at ample distance from the surly Squamata.
The room directly North of the entrance has a keyless locked door that opens magically after I defeat all the enemies in the room. Clearly, there is very sensitive heartbeat monitoring equipment embedded in the walls of the dungeons, and are programmed to open when the expiration of the last mortal is detected, present hero presence excluded, triggering the opening mechanism. The room protected by said mechanism, yields a rusty key, sitting amidst a den of more vipers. I retrieve the key after sending them to early graves.
Backtracking a bit, the room to the right of the entrance provides another key upon slaying the final Rope, and upon venturing North, I encounter the first locked door of the dungeon, which I decide to open, burdened as I am by a pair of keys. Upon entering the locked abode, the disappointment is etched on my face, as the contents are a half dozen gumdrops guarding just a lame compass. Since it's there and I already wasted the key, I go ahead and pick it up, groaning as the mocking dot appears in my virtual HUD, miles away from my current location. Wow. Imagine that. The boss and triforce piece reside somewhere in the deepest, darkest part of the dungeon. What a miracle. Thank god for this glorified sextant, else I'd waste untold amounts of time searching only the immediate radius outside the entrance pavilion. All hail the glorious compass.
Listen, I have already assumed each dungeon will arrange for a compass to be found, but as previously mentioned, their purpose is almost next to worthless. The map is a much more useful item; I can't think of a single time, or a single hapless adventurer who was completely stuck and thought "By Ganon's blood-stained tusks, if only I had a fucking compass, my problems would be over!" If you acquire a map, but still can't figure out where to go without the compass, you have no business questing for golden triangles of untold power. Full stop.
Ok, having fully vented about the useless directional disc I return to the main thoroughfare of the dungeon and proceed Northward in the direction of the beckoning dot. This room is full of Goriya's, a welcome change from the slithery demon-spawn of the previous few rooms. Their boomerang tossing ways are already familiar from the first dungeon so in between wooden volleys, I eliminate the bunch. Another keyed room beckons to my right so I utilize my remaining key, gambling it can't possibly be worse than the compass. I'm rewarded with its mate, the actually useful map. This dungeon is denoted 'The Moon' and it's certainly more apropos than the Eagle. Against all conceivable odds, I notice the compass is pulsing from the tip of the crescent moon's top horn. Who could POSSIBLY have guessed that would be the case?
In the next room, the door closes behind me, which is pretty stupid since I have no intention of going backwards. I also recognize the heartbeat door, so knowing it's only a massacre away from opening, proceed to end the lifeforce of the occupying snakes. To the right, I'm finally tested with arguably the first fairly challenging room of the game. A trio of menacing Goriya's patrol the room, their cerulean coloring betraying their more dangerous classification. It takes 3 direct strikes from my sword to fell just one of the blue bastards, putting these monsters on par with the Blue Lynel, and the whole while, I have to dodge an incessant stream of fireballs from the corner statues. I lose half my health before the last one vanishes, but I'm remunerated with the sudden manifestation of a lovely blue boomerang.
This magical boomerang flies faster and surer than its wooden ancestor and also travels the entire length of the scree- that is, er—it travels about 15 body lengths, nearly twice the distance of its predecessor. Back to the left-side main strip and up again, plops me into a room filled with…sand. Bright, hot, sticky sand, it could almost pass for lava. I don't know whose idea or what drunken bet resulted in this hot garbage of an idea, but I do not pity the engineer that had to source, transport and pour the sand into one random room of a dungeon without even the courtesy of a desert theme.
My pity party is interrupted by the sudden appearance of an odd, worm-like creature, the rare and beauteous Moldorm, whose body consists of linked fireballs. How the Moldorm keeps its cohesiveness I will never know, but slither randomly through the sand it does, keeping me at bay for longer than it should, making me doubt my openings to attack. This would have been a great time to have my sword beams but I can thank the blue boomerang bouncers for keeping me from my full potential. I study the random movements, but just decide to leap forward and see what happens. I cut down several of the body segments per strike, but the Moldorm seems to splinter with each non-fatal blow. Some of the resulting body chunks bounce harmlessly to the side, while some make direct contact and I suffer some first degree burns that I'm NOT happy with.
Eventually, I'm left with just two pieces which branch off and go toward opposite ends of the room, like a demented 7-10 split. A minor inconvenience – I can handle single worm chunks – and I finally best the creature. My efforts are rewarded with yet another key…and a whopping single rupee. Cheap ass worm. I can proceed North or East, neither of which is locked so, despite the compass pointing Northward, the completionist in me demands I go right first, where four inept traps and a cadre of bats protect a bomb, bringing my total back up to 8.
Seeing as how I just got them, I decided to test one out on the perceived weak spot I detect in the North wall. A controlled explosion later and I'm pleased to see a perfectly arched door replacing what once was wall. It occurred to me only after, that in the future, if I'm presented with a bomb offering, I should try to detect secret chambers before refilling my stores, since it's a free bomb as long as I'm only missing 1-3, otherwise I waste one like I did just now. Who these tips are for, elf if I know, I'm just talking out loud.
This room doesn't really hold any appeal, no treasure or items, just a bevy of gumdrop babies that I use as target practice for my new, faster boomerang. The door to the left is locked, and I have a pair of keys, but I know that chamber is accessible from the sand room, so, how lazy do you think I am? This was essentially a choice between key and bomb. I proceed North, where I'm surprised by Clonses and his ever-present bushes. I pray for a heart container but am given only a vague clue instead. "Dodongo dislikes smoke," he croaks.
"Big whoop, me too, that's hardly news. Everyone dislikes smoke – it's why the Hyrulian prime minster passed the public smoking ban last winter. Who or what the fuck even is a Dodongo? What a stupid name."
The old man just responds with his trademark shrug, but I see his eyes flicker in the direction of the top-most room, leading me to infer Dodongo is the name of this dungeon's overlord.
"Thanks anyway. Smoke huh? Do you happen to have a pack of Marlboro's on ya, then? If that's his weakness?"
He says he's on the patch, so I retrace my steps back to the sand room and go North, thinking what else makes smoke. If I had two sticks together I could make a fire, maybe? Although I can't imagine this Dodongo fellow would just stand idly by, while I twiddled sticks for half an hour, creating a monument to the sole entry on his dislikes page of his profile. The room above the sand has more snakes, and they seem much more prone to drops than other packs. In short supply, I received a clock, some coin and two fairies, which just seems wasteful, as only one winsome lass is necessary for my current HP level.
In the penultimate room before the dungeon keeper's quarters, a half dozen orange Goriya's amble about, easily slain by my sword beams. The last one prompts a hidden bomb cache to materialize and since I'm currently sitting on 7, I look for something to bomb. The only viable option is to bomb the right wall, but I've just come from there – Clonses and his lack of cigarettes. I think of him cooped up in there with his pair of burning shrubbery and decide to bomb a new aperture for him – maybe he'll enjoy the cross-ventilation.
I wait for the smoke to clear from my thoughtful renovation project when I'm struck with an epiphany. Bombs! Bombs make smoke. And in addition to the hint, this less-than subtle dungeon has given me ample opportunity to ensure my bomb supply is fully stocked. That must be Mr. D's weakness! Confident now, bordering on cocky, I venture into the boss's room…and stop, gaping, not comprehending what I'm seeing.
It's an ass. A butt. A giant orange posterior, is all my ocular cavities are taking in. The mystery warden of Dungeon 2 is a rear end. And it's wobbling away from me…now it's turning. Oh I see, a fucking dinosaur. That just happened to be facing away from me as I entered. That makes much more sense than fighting a disembodied rectum. Closely resembling a triceratops, Dodongo just chunks along, with his mouth opening and shutting rapidly like he's auditioning for Hungry, Hungry Hippos or one of Hellraiser's cenobites. Just out of curiosity, I attempt to poke the beast with my sword and nearly drop it as my arm rebounds with astonishing ferocity from its thick, armored hide and the blade reverberates in my grip. Like the scene in every cartoon when the animal hits a solid object with a metal bat. Got the visual? Ok, ok, bombs it is. But where to set them off? I doubt, even the bombs could pierce that Cretaceous coating. Looking at its dumb mouth again, studying the way it opens and closes like the beak of a hungry Octopus…surely it can't be THAT stupid!? Is it really that easy?
I place a bomb right in its path…he's headed right toward it, but the dumb brute makes a sharp left turn at the last second and the bomb harmlessly explodes on its flank. I place another bomb in its path, and again the horned hellspawn turns at the last minute, rendering it useless. I race across the room, trying to reposition myself, as the annoying chasmosaur, banks left one more time, heading upward again, having completed one full fruitless loop. He's not even chasing me, the numbskull, he's just practicing for the Daytona. I carefully allocate one more bomb, and this time, the tri-pronged troglodyte finally scoops it into his mouth, just as it explodes.
Now, when I tell you, that this thing's butt inflated after the bomb went off, I don't mean there was a tiny ripple, or he farted, nay nay. His entire rear comically expanded to twice its regular size before deflating back to normal. Of course, by then I had already planted a second bomb, which the Tri-stupidsaurus promptly devoured again. This second mine finally succeeds in turning the primitive reptile's insides into jelly and it disintegrates, leaving behind only its lavish heart for me to collect.
The door to the long-suspected but finally confirmed last room slides open revealing the second triforce piece. I hold it aloft for no one's sake but my own and I sleepwalk my way to the entrance again. I've no clue where to proceed next, and I wonder how many more dungeon entrances will be unhidden and easy to find like the last two. I suspect only one or two and I sincerely hope Dungeon 3 is one of those. Back in the warm sunlight, I take a deep breath and set out to continue exploring this vast land.
