Previously: Lily's in a bad mood, and unfortunately, James finally decides to ask her out on a date. Lily stamps on his foot in response. In Hogsmeade, Lily overhears Rawlings and McGonagall arguing: Someone wants revenge on Bellatrix for killing Stoughton; McGonagall thinks they're being stupid about it; Rawlings refuses to convince them to stand down because she also wants revenge for Stoughton. Sirius tries to James's attention away from Lily by flirting with other girls. Sirius calls Remus "Moony" for the first time. The Marauders get into an argument with Mulciber after he insults Lily in front of James. They're all kicked out of the Three Broomsticks by Rosmerta.
Chapter 41: The Patronus Charm
Lily thoughtlessly picked at her breakfast, not really paying attention as Alice babbled about the latest batch of qualifying rounds for the 1974 Quidditch World Cup that supposedly was taking place later that summer. Ever since accidently overhearing Rawlings and McGonagall's argument almost two months ago, her mind had been preoccupied and not very attentive, so much so that even Slughorn looked a little worried during their latest Potions class, not that he or anybody else would ever guess what consumed her attention.
After a brief period of mourning following Stoughton's murder, the residents of Hogwarts, teachers included, had fallen back into the usual schedule full of petty drama and teenage angst, and even though Lily was sure that her Transfiguration professor was one of the very few Dumbledore trusted with the truth surrounding the mysteries surrounding the death, including Lily's own involvement, Professor McGonagall had never once given any hint that her anger towards Bellatrix and Voldemort remained.
But now?
Lily did not know what to think. This was the first time that she had heard that others in contact with Dumbledore still actively hunted those responsible, principally Bellatrix Black. She had not told anybody about the incident yet, partly because Lily was positive that she should not have overheard the exchange in the first place and partly because she yearned to know who this Caradoc was and what was up with that Shiloh person. The moment she started voicing her questions out loud was the moment anybody with anything to say would shut their mouths.
Her thoughts were cut short when the usual horde of owls descended upon the Great Hall, and even though Alice was still talking about who was placing what bets on the upcoming Quidditch World Cup, it did not take much for Lily to concentrate on the front page of the Daily Prophet that almost immediately dropped down in front of her – not she needed the concentration anyways, considering that the title of the main article was practically screaming at her from its spot on the front page.
DEMENTORS GONE ROGUE: ATTACK CONFIRMED
By Betty Braithwaite
It has long been an accepted fact that Dementors are among the foulest creatures in the world, and there has and always will be controversy surrounding the decision of Damocles Rowle, the Minister for Magic when Azkaban first opened up for prisoners, to use such horrific creatures as prison guards rather than a handful of Aurors. But ever since the idea was first instituted back in the early 1700s, the large majority of the Wizarding population has remained content to let the Dementors fulfill their duties as prison guards, mainly because of the fact that no wizard or witch alive has ever succeeded in breaking out of Azkaban. Now, however, the minority of those who oppose the use of Dementors as guards may have gained the upper wand for the time being as details begin to surface about a Dementor attack roughly twenty miles outside of the town of Cokeworth, England.
For almost a year, Britain has been in the period of relative calm following the aftershocks of explosion in the Muggle Liaison Office that resulted in the loss of eleven innocent lives, but that peace has once again been broken in an unrelated but still appalling incident involving two Dementors (the Auror Office is unable to confirm if they were from Azkaban or the wild) that, according to circulating rumors, attempted to Kiss a nine-year-old Muggle girl, whose name has yet to be released to the press.
The incident occurred last Thursday night in the town of Cokeworth. Just before midnight. Ms. Genevieve Darlington, 25 and a Healer-in-training at St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, had just Apparated outside a friend's home to enjoy a night off after a thirty-eight-hour shift at the hospital when she heard screams coming from down the road. Ms. Darlington, being a Healer, of course rushed to see what was wrong, which was when she realized what was going on and after alerting the Auror Office, and she did not hesitate to help the little girl in need, despite the threat to her own soul should she alert the Dementors to her presence.
"It was the worst feeling in the world," explains Ms. Darlington, who, when we spoke with her last, was still clearly shaken by the encounter. "Like all the happiness had been sucked from the world – and I felt cold, as if I'd never be happy again. There were these two Dementors hovering over a little girl who was curled up on the ground, screaming and crying for her mother, and that was when I knew – I needed to get those foul things away from the precious little child. It took me a little bit to gather my energy – because they're like that, Dementors are – but I thankfully was able to hold them off until the Aurors arrived, and they finished them off."
Both were rushed back to St. Mungo's following the incident, and though Ms. Darlington was discharged after a short period of time, the unnamed Muggle girl remains hospitalized, though Healers are confident that she will make a full recovery eventually. After giving reporters the previous short statement, Ms. Darlington and her family declined any further comment on the matter, citing that she was exhausted from the encounter and wanted some peace and quiet for the time being.
"There will obviously be a full-scale investigation into this incident. I don't think anybody takes an attempt to Kiss an innocent little girl lightly," says a Ministry spokesman when asked about the current status of the issue. "That being said, we must also consider the entirely plausible possibility that this was a lone attack committed by two wild Dementors who, though rare, have been seen occasionally. At this point we are not ruling anything out."
Minister Eugenia Jenkins, who has recently drawn criticism for how she's been handling He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, remained unavailable for comment, as did Ms. Millicent Bagnold, current Head of the Auror Office.
"Dementors?" repeated Alice weakly. "Dementors?"
Lily barely registered her friend's shock – she was too busy registering her own. She furiously reread the article, hoping against hope either that both she and Alice had severely misread the words or that Betty Braithwaite was simply a horrendous speller. Unfortunately, the words remained the same, and Lily slowly felt the blood drain from her face as a terror that she had been so close to forgetting gripped her once again, refusing to loosen its suffocating hold even the slightest bit.
Dementors.
She had not spared such foul creatures much thought since those precious moments in the shade of the tree she used to lay beneath with her best friend, but now… How close were her parents? Two miles? One? Not even a half a mile away? What would have happened if those … those things had chosen to go after her beloved family?
"In the name of Merlin's saggy nut-sack!" cried Mary as she peered over Marlene's shoulder to read the article, earning several alarmed looks from many people who were shocked to hear such language coming out of Mary Macdonald's mouth – Lily was among them. "What the hell are Dementors doing in Cokeworth?"
"I don't know," answered Lily honestly, her voice soft and barely audible. The still rational part of her brain yelled at her that it was a rhetorical question to begin with, but the part was quickly shut out by the other part of brain that was consumed with worry for her family.
"Oh, Merlin! Lily!" gasped Mary, finally realizing what exactly she had just said. "Your family! I completely forgot that's right by your home. You don't think –" Here, she quickly glanced around to ensure that most people had once again tuned out their conversation and dropped her voice. "– you don't think they were after you, do you?"
"Of course not," interrupted Marlene briskly. The article had momentarily rendered her speechless – which was not an easy task to say the least – but Mary's proneness to panic had apparently snapped Marlene out of her shock. "Even if this attack wasn't entirely coincidental, Lily's not the only witch who lives in Cokeworth. I mean, it's not like Hogsmeade or the West Country where there's as good a chance to run into a witch or wizard as there is a Muggle, but it's still better protected because … you know …"
"No, I don't know," responded Lily rather coolly, not really liking the direction Marlene was taking the conversation.
"I just mean that these sorts of things happen more frequently in towns with a lower Wizarding population," said Marlene, rather exasperated. "You-Know-Who and those Death Eaters of his will need to get a lot more wizards and Dark creatures together before they even think about attacking some place like Ottery St. Catchpole. Simply put: it takes a lot more effort to defend Muggle towns than it does Wizarding villages because there's just more wizards and witches to help out in magical communities."
"You think this has something to do with You-Know-Who?" asked Mary nervously, her voice once again back to its normal level. "They convinced a couple of Dementors to join their side?"
Marlene sighed as she glanced back to article.
"Well, there's no proof, but honestly? Yes," she said with resignation. "Remember when Rawlings said she was running errands for Dumbledore before she came to Hogwarts? What other kinds of errands would the top graduate from the Auror Academy run?"
"Speaking of Rawlings – don't you have a lesson with her today?" asked Alice through a mouthful of bacon.
Those words jolted Lily into action. Grabbing the nearest person's watch – a watch which happened to belong to a passing second year Hufflepuff – Lily swore loudly when she realized that she was already five minutes late, and the Hufflepuff whose watch she had quite rudely borrowed without asking looked alarmed. He hastily backed away as Lily seized her things and shoved the last of her food down her mouth before taking off through the Great Hall, earning her several stares.
She had just exited the Great Hall when Potter and the other Marauders appeared in front of her. It looked that they had been on their way to breakfast, and judging by the disbelief on their faces, none of them expected to quite literally run into Lily.
"Hey, Evans! I was hoping we could –" started Potter, looking at her hopefully once he got over his initial surprise of seeing her so soon in the day.
"Not now, Potter! I'm late!" interrupted Lily, brushing against him accidentally. He stumbled backwards several steps, startled, but Lily did not stop to apologize. She did not really want to either – Potter had only gotten bolder in the months since he had first asked her to Hogsmeade.
In record time, Lily finally reached Rawlings's office, out of breath and flushed from her sprint. After taking a moment to compose herself, Lily took a deep breath and knocked loudly just like she had the last several times she had her private lessons with Rawlings. There was her professor's usual, "Come in."
Lily slowly opened the door, and the first thing she noticed was a very strong, very filthy odor that smelled of alcohol and tobacco. She wrinkled her nose, but other than that decided to ignore it for the time being.
"I'm sorry I'm late, Professor Rawlings. I –"
Lily was drawn up short by the sight of her teacher sitting cross-legged on her desk. She suddenly felt much groomed than she had mere moments ago because her general rushed untidiness at least was the only thing wrong with her appearance. The dark circles under Rawlings's eyes could have passed as intentional if Lily did not know her better. Rawlings had attempted to cover some of it up with make-up, but still, Lily was positive she had never seen someone look so tired and dejected.
That was when Lily also noticed that there were two other people standing a little farther back, almost completely hidden in the shadows adjacent to the windows where the morning sunlight was just starting to peek through, which was what had made it so hard for Lily to see them in the first place and why she could make out much more than their silhouettes. All she knew was that one of them was very short, though not as short as Rawlings, and the other was fairly tall – and at least one of them had to be the source of that foul stink.
Rawlings, however, did not give any hint as to who the strangers were and instead gave Lily a kind smile and said, "Ah, Ms. Evans, so good to see that you remembered our appointment."
"Yeah, I … I didn't realize the time – should I come back some other time?" she asked cautiously, scrutinizing the two people who she still could not even tell whether they were male or female.
"No, you're perfectly fine. My friends were just leaving," said Rawlings.
She gestured at the two people that whatever conversation they had been having before Lily showed up was clearly over, and the taller one nodded good-bye. As they left their shadowy corner to leave, Lily got her first real look at the visitors. She quickly deduced that the shorter of the two must have been the one whom the odor belonged to due to his unkempt appearance. Bandy legs and bloodshot eyes, it was not a surprise when Lily glanced down and saw that his hands were quite grubby. The taller man looked more put together, with robes that looked like they had been washed recently – unlike the short bloke – and glossy brown hair that hung to his shoulders, but even that could not disguise the fatigue the unknown men shared with Rawlings.
As the strange pair passed, the part of Lily that her parents had raised to be polite almost said good-bye, but Rawlings's fireplace whooshed away the pair in a swirl of green flames before she got out the "it" part of "it was nice to meet you.".
"What was that all about?" she asked once the green flames had vanished from view.
Rawlings glanced up at the door one more time before shrugging and casually dismissing Lily's questions with, "We've been working together on a couple things."
She turned her back for a moment to shuffle some papers together and place them in an already crammed drawer, clearly communicating that the subject was over with, but Lily still could not help but wonder. If there were still people not willing to give up on avenging Professor Stoughton, she wanted to know – and Lily also had a sneaking suspicion that not many people were involved with it. Despite the fact that Rawlings was an Auror as well as a teacher, the Ministry had not given any hint that they were still investigating the case after it went cold several months ago.
"Right, I thought we might be able to start on the Revulsion –"
"How do you get rid of Dementors?" asked Lily, interrupting her teacher mid-sentence. Though the incident had happened right next to where she and her family lived, the article had made no mention of how the Aurors defeated those two Dementors, and she could not help but wonder.
Rawlings stopped midsentence at those words, and for a brief moment, Lily saw a range of emotions playing out across her face, but just as quickly, her teacher managed to wipe her expression clean. Sighing as if she should not have expected Lily to ask about anything else, Rawlings asked, "Read the Prophet article, did you?"
Lily let her silence answer for her, and Rawlings paused to take a deep breath before explaining with a patient yet painfully aware tone.
"As you know from reading the Prophet's report, Dementors are among the foulest creatures to walk this earth, and I'm not surprised in the least that many wizards and witches would prefer to take on dragons and chimeras rather than Dementors. They are among the worst beings that you'll ever meet – the Darkest of the Dark as some say – and it's not without good reason that they've earned that reputation.
"You see, while many creatures grow, eat, and reproduce like humans do, Dementors are in an entirely different class. They feed off human happiness, and they grow like horklumps – or fungi if you prefer a more Muggle synonym – wherever there is despair and misery. Whenever people are around them, the Dementors force you to relive your very worst memories. And then to top that off, they perform the Dementor's Kiss."
Lily, who could feel shuddering pricks gradually creep along her spine with each word, internally shivered at the last part – she had a horrible feeling that the Dementor's Kiss had absolutely nothing to do with the kind of kiss that she normally thought of.
In an almost hesitating voice, Lily quietly asked, "What does the Dementor's Kiss mean?"
"It's their last and most horrible weapon they possess – Dementors have to ability to suck the soul out of a person's mouth."
Lily blanched.
"Do they – does the person die?" she asked, and a part of her suspected that she did not want to hear the answer.
"No," said Rawlings. Lily almost sighed with relief, but there was a bitterness in Rawlings's voice that she had never heard before. "But most agree that death is preferable. Your heart can beat without a soul, but that's it. Without a soul, you're nothing but an empty shell – no memories, no emotions, no dreams … no nothing. Just a body."
"That's …" Lily could not even think of a word to describe just how horrible she felt. "I would just want somebody to kill me then."
There was a wry twist to Rawlings's lips as she responded, "Unfortunately, that won't do anything to help you. Without a soul, you can't move on into the afterlife or even become a ghost. And there's no hope for recovery either – once your soul's gone, it's gone."
"Is there any way to defeat them?" she asked, and by now, her tone bordered on desperate.
"Well, they can't be destroyed through normal means," said Rawlings, but before Lily could respond with an exclamation of horror, she added, "But there are ways to repel them. There is one charm in particular that has proven quite useful at driving Dementors back. It's called the Patronus Charm, and it acts as sort of a barrier between you and the Dementor."
"What's it look like?" asked Lily, curious.
Rawlings shrugged, but this time her small smile was not so bitter.
"It depends on the person. For those who can conjure a corporeal Patronus, each Patronus takes on a shape unique to the caster, and there is really no way to know what form your Patronus is until you successfully cast one."
"Can I see yours?"
Lily's yearning for the knowledge was virtually insatiable by now.
"I don't see why not," said Rawlings after a couple seconds' contemplation. She gave her wand a soft jab, though spoke no words, and Lily watched, entranced by what happened next.
From the tip of Rawlings's wand burst a silver animal that soared gracefully through the air before landing silently on the ground right next to where Lily sat, and despite the stray wisps that accompanied it, there was no mistaking the animal as anything other than what is was: a leopard, an ethereal leopard with a pearly coat covering sinewy hind legs. The leopard took several steps around the room, as if curious about their surroundings, and Lily saw that its lean, muscled body moved with an untold elegance that matched only the most beautiful, the most graceful of creatures. Though she could have sat there for hours watching the striking leopard, it was not long before the leopard dissolved back into the air.
"I need to know that spell," said Lily quietly, still staring at the spot where the leopard had disappeared. She was hoping that Rawlings's would agree with her and say that of course, they could start practicing right away, but much to Lily's surprise, Rawlings did not respond immediately, and when she finally did, her words were not what she had been expecting.
"I'm not so sure that's a good idea right now, Evans," said Rawlings.
Lily stared at her teacher, but when Rawlings's did not change her mind, Lily demanded, "Why not? The Dementor attack was only a couple of miles away from my home, so I need to know how to defend them."
"It's not that I don't want to teach you, Evans, but the Patronus Charm isn't just the most famous defensive charm – it's also the most famously difficult. This is highly advanced magic that isn't generally introduced until well into your N.E.W.T. studies, and many fully-qualified wizards and witches have trouble producing even an incorporeal Patronus."
"But Professor!" exclaimed Lily, getting to her feet, "Dementors attacked somebody right next to where my family lives. If they come back or I run into them somewhere else, I need to know how to defend myself. Besides, what harm is there in at least trying? You're supposed to push me, remember? Well, how can I if you don't let me explore all my opportunities?"
Lily thought she had impressed Rawlings with her argument, and after several long seconds of waiting, Rawlings must have picked a side of the fierce back-and-forth battle she was no doubt waging in her head because she finally sighed and said, "If you really, really want to learn it, then I suppose we can try – but be warned: it won't be easy."
Lily nodded in response, eager to begin.
"Right, well … the incantation alone is simple enough. Repeat after me: expecto patronum."
"Expecto patronum," whispered Lily aloud, focusing everything she had on pronouncing the words correctly. "Expecto patronum, expecto patronum, expecto patronum."
"Unfortunately, now comes the hard part," said Rawlings, earning a confused look from Lily. "I want you to close your eyes …" Lily obeyed and was quickly surrounded by darkness. "And I want you to pick a memory – and not just any memory. I want you to pick your happiest memory you can think of. Can you do that?"
Could she? Lily was not sure. Certainly nothing with the Marauders or Severus's Slytherin friends, and anything that involved Petunia after the initial discovery that she was a witch was out of the question. There were many good memories to choose from, such as her little outings with Severus before coming to Hogwarts and the months in between or meeting Alice for the first time, but there were others, more distant memories that she could not remember much of but were happy nonetheless, like those times before Lily learned about Hogwarts when she and Petunia would play together from the time they were up until their parents would call them in for dinner.
After several moments of deliberation, Lily finally settled on the last Christmas her family had before everything else happened, back when she and Petunia were near inseparable. While there were definitely other moments when Lily had laughed and had fun, that memory was one of the last times she had ever felt like she truly belonged. Nobody else was around to judge her when she tinkered in experimenting with her strange talent (she had not yet realized what it truly was) and there was no wedge between her and Petunia.
"Do you have it?" asked Rawlings.
"I – I think so," responded Lily, trying to keep the nervous edge from her voice, and she whispered the words, "Expecto patronum, expecto patronum, expecto patronum."
On the last incantation, a single weak grey wisp escaped from her wand, and Lily could not contain her excitement.
"I did it! Did you see that? I did it!" she cried, positively thrilled by a response so soon into the lesson.
"Good," said Rawlings, looking mildly impressed. "Just remember that it will be much harder when there are Dementors around you."
At those words, Lily's eyes snapped open as she suddenly remembered something rather important.
"What am I going to be practicing on? Do you have a spare Dementor I could use or something?"
Rawlings snorted.
"Dumbledore would have both our heads if we so much as thought of letting a Dementor into the castle. No, we won't be practicing on Dementors." She held up a finger to signal that she needed a moment and hopped down from her perch on top of her desk. "I think …" – Rawlings shuffled around in her drawers some, talking more to herself now than Lily – "I might still have some – the Auror Academy gives participants a potion that mimics a Dementor's effect, and I know I've been saving some for my N.E.W.T. students. It's around here some – aha! Here it is."
From inside the drawer, Rawlings withdrew a medium-sized beaker, capped to prevent its contents from leaking out. Inside sat a dark, sinister-looking green liquid that, judging from the way it sloshed about inside the container, had the same consistency as molasses. Though it did not look like much more than a disgusting drink, Lily knew that its real effects were most likely much worse than simply leaving a nasty aftertaste on her tongue.
Lily reached out her hand for to take it, but before she could, Rawlings snapped her arm back, holding the potion close to her chest.
"Wait a second, Evans. Before you plow on ahead and drink this, I need to make sure that you're one hundred percent positive you want to do this. Even though this potion is a mere echo of the power Dementors exert wherever they go, it isn't a walk around a Flutterby bush either."
Lily's only response was firm, resolute nod. Was she sure that she wanted every advantage she could take over those foul things?
Absolutely.
"Alright," said Rawlings finally, handing the potion over as if it were an Erumpent horn that was seconds away from exploding. "The effects only last about half a minute for each swallow. And try to remember that I'll be right here the entire time."
The glass felt cold to Lily's touch as she cautiously took the bottle, and the first thing she noticed when removing the stopper was the smell: a strange mixture of the air she always sensed before a lightning storm, a hospital room, and the foul decay of a rotting corpse – it was if somebody had tried to wash a dead animal with a mix of sulfur and antiseptic. Certainly not something Lily experienced on an everyday basis and definitely not pleasant.
"Bottoms up," Lily told herself with a shrug, and plugging her nose, she tipped the vial back, allowing a single swallow to drip onto her tongue – and she nearly spit it back out.
It was not just something disgusting; it was as if the potion knew what tastes she considered the most horrible and mixed them all together – pretty much the exact opposite of chocolate. Though she had never eaten a worm, she would not be surprised if this was what it would taste like should she try chewing it, with some added rotten fish and bad milk stirred in for good measure.
However, Lily quickly forgot the horrid taste as a penetrating cold suddenly enveloped her, piercing her skin to the bone and sending uncontrollable and violent spasms across her body. A feeling of thick, wallowing hopelessness hung heavy in the air, draping Lily on all sides, and she wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and hide forever – and that wasn't the worst part either.
Nothing could have prepared her for what came next, but the voices came, creeping up from the edges of her conscious memory as unintelligible mumblings and growing louder and louder as each second passed until there was nowhere she could turn without the voices unfailingly assaulting her.
"… that's how you're going to play, are you? Fine. I've got ways to persuade you – Crucio!"
Screams – torturous, chilling screeches of nothing but pure agony – filled her head, reverberating around in her head with a merciless speed and hammering at every corner they could to get out. She clutched her ears, eyes squeezed shut in an attempt to get rid of them, but no matter what she did, nothing could block them. Lily was not sure when she started screaming, but only when the terror tapered off did she realize that she was yelling her head off.
"Evans! Wake up, Evans! It's alright, it's not real."
It took her a moment to realize that Rawlings was shaking her shoulder, and slowly, the terrifying haze around her lifted, revealing that at some point during the ordeal, she had starting gripping her hair in fear, and then it took another moment before Lily realized that she had somehow wound up on the floor.
"Are you alright?" asked Rawlings.
She was crouching next to Lily, concern clearly stated on her features.
It took a moment for Lily to find her voice again, but when she did, she gasped, "I heard Bellatrix's voice – I heard her the night she murdered Stoughton."
She had not flashed back to that night since … well, since she had overheard Rawlings and Professor McGonagall arguing with each other in the small alley behind the Three Broomsticks.
Lily could remember it like it was yesterday: despite the fact that both Dumbledore and the Auror Office acted like all active inquiries had closed, there was at least some sort of investigation still happening. After all, what else would Rawlings and McGonagall be arguing about? They had been talking about some person by the name of Caradoc and why Stoughton was dead in the first place and –
"Who's Shiloh?"
The words were out of Lily's mouth before she could stop them, and whatever Rawlings had been expecting Lily to say, it was definitely not those words. Her jaw dropped to the floor, and her crystal-blue eyes that already resembled a doll's eyes more than a human's widened considerably. For ten whole seconds she was completely speechless and only when she regained her voice did Lily realize that she should not have even known this Shiloh person existed.
"What did you just say?" asked Rawlings blankly.
Lily, deciding that trying to maintain an already blown cover would do nobody any good, responded outright, "I overheard you and Professor McGonagall arguing behind the Three Broomsticks a couple of months ago, and you mentioned someone named Shiloh – who is he?"
Rawlings had gotten over her earlier shock and now wore a static front, not letting so much as a hint of what she was really thinking slip through her façade, and Lily, who was generally fairly good about picking up on people's emotions and feelings, found it a little unnerving and had only the blank slate that was Rawlings's expression to work with.
But after a while of silence, Rawlings finally relented. "Shiloh is my brother," she said shortly, and unless Lily was mistaken, she had to wipe a tear away from her eyes before continuing.
"Now, I think that's enough practice for one day."
"Wha – no!" yelled Lily, scrambling back to her feet. "We're only just getting started! I need all the practice I can get if I want to defend my family and my friends from Dementors."
"Evans …" started Rawlings, but Lily gave her such a desperate look that her teacher finally sighed and said, "Fine. We'll try it again."
Without waiting for Rawlings's approval, Lily immediately snatched up the potion that Rawlings had given her and swallowed another gulp. Despite the fact that she was ready this time and expecting it, she still gagged as the horrid flavor touched her tongue. It took her some time to swallow it all, but eventually it was all gone, and Lily braced herself for the next onslaught.
"… not get it, old man? I don't care what it takes; you are going to tell me where they are – here, I'll give you some more encouragement."
"Please – no – please –"
Though she knew what was going to happen, Lily was still caught by surprise at the sudden fire traveling through her body, burning away her skin until nothing but pain remained. Somehow, her fumbling fingers eventually found her wand, but even its reassuring warmth could do nothing to help ease the terrifying roller-coaster she was on.
"Expecto patronum … expecto patronum …"
More screams.
"Expecto pa … expect … ex …"
The blackness smothered Lily once again, but no matter how hard she tried, she remained unable to fight free. Her mind went blank as she fell in the blackness – but then before she knew it, Rawlings was by her side, helping her sit up in an upright position, muttering, "C'mon, Evans, up you get. Here, have some of this. It will help you feel better."
Lily, who was still out of it from the effects of the potion, did not even notice the loud snapping noise and wordlessly clasped the object her teacher placed in her hand. She raised it to her lips as Rawlings said and took a bite – chocolate. An unexpected warmth spread through her body, reaching all the way down to the tips of her toes, and Lily quickly took another bite, and then another, and then another. Before she knew it, all the chocolate Rawlings had given her vanished.
"It should've been me," said Lily after a moment.
She had finally regained her sense of self, but that did little to quell the guilt that slowly inched its way into her mind, just as it had been doing ever since Stoughton's death.
"I should've been the one to die."
"What?" demanded Rawlings, her voice suddenly much sharper than it had been that entire lesson.
"I'm the reason he died," continued Lily, almost inaudible by now, and she stared at her feet without really seeing them, running that singular moment of when Bellatrix's curse made contact with Stoughton over and over in her mind's eye. "Stoughton was trying to give me time to get away, but when he looked back to check if I was still okay, Bellatrix shot a Killing Curse at him. He only needed an extra second, and it – it would've missed, but it didn't … and it's all my fault."
Lily's voice caught at the end, and she fell silent, dropping her head so it rested on her legs and whispering, "It's all my fault … it's all my fault he's dead …"
"Lily Evans, you listen to me," ordered Rawlings. She clasped Lily's hands and crouched in front of her. When Lily did not look up, Rawlings raised her voice and sternly said, "Listen to me."
Finally, Lily raised her eyes to meet Rawlings's own, which were filled with such deep compassion and empathy as she said softly, "That's not true. I knew Jack very well, and believe me when I say that he would have done the same thing if given a chance. There is nothing you could have done to change his mind, you hear me? Nothing. I want you to remember this: If you let yourself stay stuck in the past, then everything that Stoughton and people like him have died for … it'll all have been for nothing. Remember this: they died so that you could live. Now come on – on your feet, Evans."
She finally obeyed, and Rawlings helped her up until Lily was once again standing on her feet.
"Is that what it's like? To stand by a Dementor?" asked Lily, and she wiped away one of the last remaining tears.
Rawlings's eyes darkened at that question.
"No, the real thing is worse – much, much worse. Even though that potion is about one of the only things that can give you a feeling of what it's actually like to stand next to one of those things, it is far from the real thing – but hopefully you won't have to actually find out the full extent of a Dementor's powers. Now do you want to go again, or should we wait another day?"
Lily grimaced and firmly shook her head, gripping the willow wood so tightly that her knuckles were starting to turn white and saying, "I can do this."
Rawlings offered her the potion vial once again, but this time, as Lily quickly downed it, she was determined – Bellatrix belonged in Hell, not in her mind.
The repulsive taste hit her tongue once again before the coldness seeped through her skin, filling her with nothing but misery and hopelessness, and it was not long before the voices crept back into her mind:
"… and don't look back, no matter what you hear. Voldemort's looking, tell Dumbledore that – Voldemort knows and is searching. Now go! Go!"
"You're not getting out of here that easily!"
Lily gritted her teeth. She knew what was coming – she had already lived through it: Bellatrix and Stoughton had dueled it out in the darkness of the dungeons, switching so many times between the offensive and defensive that it was impossible to keep track. It would not be long now before she heard those words that she – no! She couldn't relive that. She wouldn't relive that.
"Expecto patronum. Expect patronum. Expecto Patronum," whispered Lily, but it did not matter how many times she repeated the incantation. The results remained the same: no Patronus.
C'mon! Happy memory … happy memory … happy memory … She cast her mind wildly around, searching for the memory that Rawlings had prodded her to produce, but knowledge of what she was about to witness once again restrained her reaching grasp.
"Avada –"
An image suddenly flashed through Lily's eye: a playground. It was not just any playground though; it was her and Severus's playground. Lily was swinging back and forth on the swing, pumping her legs to go as high as she could just as Severus, who was on the swing next to her, was doing. Lily's younger self held Severus's hand as they swung to and from, going higher and higher with each oscillation as the two of them counted out loud backwards from three: "Three … two … one!"
"Expecto patronum!" yelled Lily.
A silver cloud of wispy vapor erupted from the tip of her wand, and though it was not much, it was still there. Bellatrix's Killing Curse was a jet of green light, but somehow, the silver cloud blocked it – the silver cloud blocked everything. The fear, the guilt, the hopelessness … it did not matter what it was because those feeble wisps of silver held everything at bay, and the more Lily held on to her weak Patronus, the less she could feel the potion affecting her. Soon, all traces of the potion were gone, and Lily released her spell, gasping at what had just happened, hardly daring to believe her eyes.
Rawlings was at her side in a flash, helping her into a nearby chair, and Lily was elated to see that her teacher was laughing and cheering at the same time as she said, "Merlin, Evans, I'm absolutely astounded – thirty points to Gryffindor for that, I think. I've never seen anybody as young as you produce so much as a single wisp."
Lily stared between the spot where her meager, amorphous Patronus had vanished into the air mere seconds ago and where Rawlings had cast her own Patronus in the form of a beautiful, shining leopard, unable to keep her thoughts from dwindling on the stark difference between the two.
"But it wasn't an animal – just some shapeless cloud," she protested, unable to stop herself from comparing the two.
"Evans, you expect too much of yourself – producing even an incorporeal Patronus at your age is an incredible achievement in and of itself, and you should only be feeling pride right now that you can that much," said Rawlings firmly. She withdrew some more chocolate and handed it to Lily, adding, "You better eat some of this, or Madam Pomfrey will have my head – literally."
Lily nodded and obediently took a bite of chocolate, warmth once again rushing through her body and down to her toes, but no matter how hard she tried to concentrate on what Rawlings told her to do, the disappointment of her own weak Patronus still lingered in the back of her mind.
