A/N: Hello! This is one of my favorite chapters that I have written yet! We are finally going to get in to the meat of the story, with this chapter and the next being two of the most important in the entire story...so pay attention! I'm expecting the next to be out within a day or two, but let me know what you think!
September 3rd, 1977
"So, are you going to tell us now why the two of you are dripping onto our carpet?" Prongs fell back onto his bed, kicking his trainers off and laying on top of his covers, fully clothed.
"Because Moony is a fucking tosser, that's why," I growled, shooting Remus the nastiest glare I could muster. It was mainly a jest, as all I could feel still was immense relief that we hadn't actually lost the –
"I'm the tosser?" Moony asked incredulously, interrupting my internal monologue. "You're the one who pulled it out as we were flying over the Black Lake!"
"Pulled what out?" Wormtail asked, his fat bottom hanging out as he bent over to dig in his trunk for his pajamas. I rolled my eyes at him, knowing that he wouldn't think to use a summoning charm like the rest of us. I swear, half the time he didn't even remember that he was a wizard. Not that I could talk, considering what happened tonight.
"Did you flash Moony again? I would have pushed you in to the lake too, mate," Prongs laughed. He was looking at us with his arms folded underneath his head like a pillow, a smirk on his lips.
"Any one of you would be blessed to have an excuse to see my dick," I defended myself. I reached in to my back pocket and pulled out the little black velvet box that I had been hoping all night Addie wouldn't find, especially when she had her hands all over me earlier. I just didn't trust leaving it in the dorm alone. I tossed it over to James with a casual, "This is what I actually pulled out, though."
James lifted the lid and gasped at what lay inside. Wormtail jumped over the pile of junk that he had pulled out of his trunk in his search for pajamas when he realized what it was. It was an antique diamond ring, set in a platinum band with detailed filigree work. The runes for devotion, courage, and destiny were intertwined in the band. I hadn't wanted to propose to Addie with anything that my mother had touched, so the first thing I did when we went home for Easter break was pop in to the jeweler's in Diagon Alley and spend a fair portion of Uncle Alphard's generous inheritance. I knew Addie wouldn't want something overly flashy, and as soon as I saw this ring, I knew it was the one. I hadn't been in the shop ten minutes before I had made the purchase – I just knew that I had to have it. I needed to see this ring on Addie's finger.
"I handed it to Moony so he could see, and he dropped it in shock right into the lake. We both were off our brooms and in the lake before either of us could even think to perform a summoning spell," I said with a shrug, pretending not to notice the identical look of shock on James's face.
"Pads…you're really going to propose?" Prongs asked, the look still evident on his face.
"Nah, mate, I figured I'd just hold on to the ring. Maybe wear it to the next fancy cocktail party I'm invited to…although those invitations seem to have died out ever since mummy dearest blasted me off the family tapestry."
"This is serious – don't you dare make that joke right now! I can't believe you actually want to get married. You always told us that you'd never settle down, you wanted to be a wild dragon and make sure the Black family line didn't continue of your doing," James got up, handing the ring back to me. I looked down at it, admiring the sparkle of the solitaire diamond, how the goblin made metalworking was immaculate and so perfectly Addie's style. Unique and classy, just like her.
"I know, mate, but I love her like I never knew was possible. And she loves me like I never thought I deserved. She makes me better, she makes me want to be better," I said honestly, the liquor still coursing through my veins loosening my lips slightly. I never talk about feelings like this, but I think it's important that they know this isn't some fling for me – Addison Jones was my future and I needed to make sure I didn't do something stupid to fuck it up. So I needed her to know that no matter what, I was in this for the long haul. That was the idea behind the proposal, at least.
"I know she does," James said solemnly, putting a hand on my shoulder. "And I know you don't think you deserve her, but as much as she's helped you, you've helped her."
"Any idiot with eyes could see that the girl is madly in love with you. Who else would put up with someone with as big a head as you?" Remus joked. "I didn't get the chance to tell you as we were fishing for the ring in the Black Lake, but I think it is an excellent idea. Actually, I think it's the best idea you've ever had."
"Even better than the homonculous charm on the map?" I asked, knowing that that was one of my more brilliant strokes of genius.
"Yes, you tosser," Remus rolled his eyes, socking me on the shoulder. I grabbed it in mild pain, but looked to James knowing I had to ask him this next question.
"You're okay with this, right Prongs? I know she's like a sister to you, so if I didn't ask your permission I would regret it." I'd already planned to ask Addie's father for her hand, choosing to incorporate the pureblood marriage tradition that I felt was most important. It was such a widespread custom, that I'd heard even muggles did it before getting married. I wouldn't feel honorable as a man if I didn't do so…but because I knew Addie, I'd decided to also ask her mother and brother. Family was so important to her, I wouldn't want to propose without knowing they all approved. James fell in to that category of family, as far as either of us were concerned, so he warranted a conversation as well.
"Of course I am. I was skeptical at first, because I know what you've been like with girls in the past. But I know that you truly love her – that's been evident from the get go, just from the way you look at her. You look at her like I look at Lily…and I know I would do anything to prevent Lily from any harm. I know you would do the same for Addie. If I was going to trust her with anyone, it would be one of my best friends – I'm happy it's you." James pulled me in to a hug at the end of his speech, emotion evident in his voice.
"Thanks, man. I appreciate that more than you know."
"I knew something was up when Lily was asking her about Frank and Alice downstairs. You sent me your "distract them" look, which you usually reserve for McGonagall when you're pulling a prank. I'm happy it's this and not that you were going to break up with her or anything," James admitted. I knew that James would understand what my look meant, and he had flawlessly distracted Lily from her marriage questioning. I didn't want any attention brought to the idea of marriage, so she would be surprised when I finally got the nerve to ask. I think Addie noticed my desperate plea for help, but she hadn't said anything. I wanted to run downstairs right now and propose to her so she didn't think for even one minute that I didn't want to marry her – but she deserved romance, not the Gryffindor common room the night of a party when we were both drunk. Plus, I had to ask her family first. I'd meant to do so the day of the trial, when we were all together, but none of us had left her side for the entire three days I had stayed. I couldn't bring myself to leave her for even a minute, not after what she had just gone through.
"Never thought I'd see the day where Sirius Black was looking to settle down before James Potter," Remus shook his head, getting underneath the covers of his bed. "If you'd have told me this last year, I would have called you crazier than Moaning Myrtle."
September 4th, 1977
"I don't think Sirius wants to marry me," I cried, sitting cross-legged on my bed the next night. The girls had all accosted me at breakfast – where I was enjoying an early morning cup of tea – and demanded that we have a girl's night, so we could all catch up. Marlene had broken out a nice bottle of wine that she had snuck in from her parent's house, and we had all gotten a little tipsy. I had taken Lily down with me to the kitchen to get ice cream and desserts. A nice freezing charm had kept the ice cream solid, and I was currently trying to see how much chocolate ice cream I could eat before my brain actually froze. At least that way I wouldn't be able to think about Sirius anymore.
"He did convince James to change the subject quickly when I brought it up last night," Lily said slowly, nibbling on the corner of a piece of chocolate while she appeared deep in thought.
"He just didn't want to talk about it in a group. Frank is the same way – he wouldn't have told his own mother if he didn't need access to the family vault for my ring," Alice said sagely, sipping daintily from her wine glass.
"Sirius talks about shagging Addie every which way from Sunday on a daily basis…I don't think he's shy," Marlene giggled. She was laying in her bed, digging in to a bag of crisps and dangling her feet off the edge – Mary was sitting on a chair to the side, painting her toenails bright red.
"No…but emotional intimacy is much different from physical intimacy. He's proud to let everyone know that Addie is letting him shag her; but letting the guys know that he has actual feelings? The worst thing that could happen in the eyes of a man," Lily said thoughtfully. "They have to be manly men all the time!"
"But since we are talking about shagging Sirius…how is it?" Mary asked, looking up from Marlene's toes to shoot me a naughty look and a wink. Marlene sat up; suddenly interested in the turn this conversation had taken. She kicked her feet obliviously, spattering nail polish all over Mary's white pajama top. Mary huffed, but simply siphoned the stain away, her attention still trained on me.
"Yeah, spill the deets. I'm glad one of us finally got her claws in to his sexy ass," Marlene looked at me with no trace of jealousy, just pure awe. She was still going hot and heavy with Robert Boot, and there were rumors of the infamous "boyfriend/girlfriend" title being thrown around.
"I am not going to tell you details about my sex life!" I said outraged. Sirius may be fine spilling all the details, and I may occasionally let myself get caught up in the moment in public, but I wasn't going to stoop to his level.
"Oh but you're perfectly fine giving us a free show at least once a week?" Lily laughed, giving me a pointed look so I knew not to try to disagree. I threw my hands up in defeat and chuckled.
"Alright, we all know what Sirius and I are doing – and yes, Marlene, it is bloody fantastic – but why is no one hounding Alice or Lily? Marlene, I hear you took the jump and made an honest woman out of Boot," I deflected, truly curious to know what was going on with my friends. We hadn't had a girl's night like this in so long – we were all so busy with studying and our men, that we had let our friendship fall to the wayside.
"Nothing to report here. James and I are taking things slow – you know, slower than the six years it took me to agree to date him," Lily said unabashedly, shrugging her shoulders. "He has been a perfect gentleman and not pressured me once. The snogging is fantastic though."
"Robert and I did have the discussion, and I agreed to be exclusive. He ended up convincing me with his very persuasive tongue. Decided I couldn't give that up," Marlene wagged her tongue at us, to emphasis her point. Mary snorted while Alice looked scandalized.
"Frank and I had agreed early on that we would only be intimate once we were married. I've always known I only wanted to sleep with my husband, and he agreed with me. But then we got engaged, and I figured that was close enough. We lost our virginities to each other the night he proposed. He set up a picnic on the beach for after our boat ride, and once his mother had left he lit candles and we made love under the stars," Alice had a wistful look on her face, remembering her night that had come straight from a fairytale. I was happy for her – everyone deserved their first time to be magical, unlike mine.
"Oh, well that explains why he popped the question so quickly," Marlene joked, but her face fell when Alice didn't laugh; her face had dropped and went white as a sheet. "Alice, I'm so sorry, that was just a bad joke. Frank loves you, and he is the sweetest man we know – he would never think that way."
"No, I know," Alice replied, her voice thick with what I knew to be impending tears. "It's just that the reason we decided we wanted to get married right out of Hogwarts is that we're both going to be Aurors. We got accepted in to the program over the summer, we found out just before leaving Hogwarts last term. The mortality rate for young Aurors is really high, so we just figured we love each other, and we shouldn't hold back."
"Alice, you know that you don't have to become an Auror right? If you're worried, there is no harm in choosing something else to do – we can all fight the war in our own way," I said, possibly projecting my own fear onto her.
"No, I want to be an Auror. I want to fight. I just didn't know before Frank and I started dating what it was like to worry about someone so much it makes your stomach hurt," She said, sniffling slightly and wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her robe.
"Like half your heart is walking around outside your body?" I said, thinking back to how I felt when Sirius had told us that he wanted to join whatever order Dumbledore had put together. That felt like the most accurate way to describe the fear I felt in that moment.
"Exactly! Plus, they don't allow married couples to be partners, because it's an added distraction that could negatively impact your critical thinking and decision-making skills. So I know he'll be out there, I'll know what he's doing, but I can't be there to make sure he's okay. We both know what we're signing up for, but that doesn't make it any easier," She had managed to stop the slow flow of tears, and sniffed again. She used the sleeves of her robes to wipe the rest of the tears away. "This was supposed to be a girl's night! No crying allowed."
"I'm terrified that right after finally getting James, I'm going to lose him," Lily admitted quietly. "I've been really nervous to say that, because it's my own fault for not dating him years ago. But now that I have him, and I know what it feels like to be loved so completely by him, I don't want to let him go."
"Lils, James seriously needed to grow up before you could date him. If you had started dating two years ago, you would have been done within a week and never spoken to him again," I said, putting my hand on her knee. She looked down at it before looking up at me, a small smile on her face.
"I know. It just feels now like I wasted so much time being upset that he played a couple of pranks, when I could have been spending that time falling in love with him,"
"Oh, so you are falling in love with him?" Mary asked, speaking for the first time in what felt like hours. She was always so quiet, sometimes – I had to admit – I forgot that she was in the room.
"How could I not?" She blushed violently, even her ears turning fuchsia. "I've been falling for him for years, but I was too stubborn to admit that I was wrong. And now I'm worried I wasted all of our time together."
"I told you! You knew I wouldn't be best friends with the prat if he wasn't a prat with a heart of gold," I ribbed, taking a large sip from my glass of wine. Marlene, noticing that my cup was almost empty, levitated the bottle over to fill my glass for me – it was a true testament to how steady her hand was that the wine didn't spill all over me. "But seriously Lily, you can't rush matters of the heart. And you're not going to lose him – what do you think is going to happen?"
"There is a war happening. Who knows what could happen! I keep waking up in the middle of the night in a panic, and checking each of your beds to make sure you're still there. James is going to be out in the middle of everything, I know it. And hopefully, I'll be a healer working all of these crazy hours at the hospital. What if something happens to him and I'm too busy at work, and I don't even know for hours? How am I supposed to help anyone when I know I'm going to be so busy worrying about all of you?" Lily was crying in earnest now, tears running down her face. Her emerald eyes were sparkling, although rimmed in red. Similarly to the night I had told them about Jase, we all dog piled onto Lily's bed. This time we pulled Lily into the middle of our group hug, holding her tight as sobs wracked her small body.
"There's no saying what is going to happen in the future. We have to just live day by day, doing the best we can to balance fighting this war and living our lives," Marlene was rubbing Lily's back comfortingly, and Mary was petting through her hair. It struck me in this moment how far I had come in the last year – usually, emotional nights like this would have sent me running out of the room on some cockamamie excuse. I was not known for my emotional intelligence – cold-hearted bitch is the term Sirius had been fond of using to describe me for many years.
"Lily look at me. I'm going to tell you something that Nana Weasley told me right before she died. She said that it is better to have had one minute with your soul mate than 70 years without knowing pure happiness. Now, she was looped up on more pain potions than you can imagine, but I think the sentiment still holds," I said, wiping the tears from Lily's cheeks. Lily looked at me with wide eyes, and Marlene paused her rubbing to stare at me as well.
"Who the fuck are you, and where has our friend Addie gone?" Marlene asked. Lily started laughing, eventually giving in to hysterics and grasping her stomach.
"I'm a changed woman! I can handle emotions now," I laughed, joining in on the fun.
"I'm not laughing at your advice. That's really very sweet – it's just the last thing I was expecting to come out of your mouth," Lily said between chuckles, now wiping tears of laughter from her eyes.
"Merlin, if this is what Sirius has done to you, its no wonder you want to marry the guy," Marlene said. The laughter died on my lips as I was rudely reminded of why I was upset in the first place. "I always took him for more of a 'destroy your self-esteem' kind of guy, but I'm glad that it isn't true."
Lily saw the look on my face and put her tiny hand on my arm. "Addie, that boy is head over heels for you. Seriously, honey, have you seen the way he looks at you? You have nothing to worry about – but if you're worried about it, just talk to him. I'm sure last night was nothing."
I nodded, knowing she was right. Hell, I had come to the same conclusion last night before drowning my sorrows in more butterbeer than was probably healthy. I just had to find that newfound strength, and ask my boyfriend to talk about the future. No pressure!
December 18th, 1977
It took me three months to pluck up the courage to bring up the subject of our future to Sirius. October, I kept pushing it off because we were so busy with daily practices, getting ready for our match against Ravenclaw. Then there was the Halloween feast, where James delighted Lily when he gave her a small pumpkin that he had carved a lily in to. When she took the top off, the candle inside transformed in to a live lily, turning the pumpkin into a vase. She rewarded him with a kiss in front of the entire Great Hall, which made him blush furiously. Then November rolled around, and we celebrated Sirius's birthday by spending the entire day in bed, while the Marauders and Frank slept in the common room. We won our match against Ravenclaw that weekend, and the party that followed was one of our best yet. Marlene and Robert Boot caused a scene when they got in to a raucous fight in the middle of the dance floor because she had caught him checking out Michael Brown's ass. They got back together a week later, but that took up a lot of my time.
Before I knew it, it was the week before Christmas Break, and Lily told me that if I didn't bring it up, I either needed to stop moping or she was going to ask for me. I pulled Sirius aside after our last class, deciding it was time to be brave.
"Where are we going, kitten? Quickie in the broom cupboard?" Sirius said, raising his eyebrows at me in intrigue.
"I need to talk to you," I said, grabbing his hand and tugging him after me. I took us in to an empty classroom and locked the door.
"Uh oh. Famous last words," Sirius chuckled dryly. "What did I do wrong?"
"You didn't do anything, Sirius," I said. My hands were sweating from the nerves, and I wiped them surreptitiously on the back of my robes when he looked behind himself to jump up on a desk to sit down.
"What's going on?" He said, taking both my hands in his and pulling me between his knees. He moved his hands to my hips, encompassing me between his arms and knees. His thumbs were rubbing circles on my hips – it was very distracting, but I strengthened my resolve.
"I just felt like we should needed to talk about…the future," I said, slowly. I looked in to his eyes, brown meeting grey, and waited for his response.
"What about the future?" He said casually, averting his eyes immediately. I tilted my head, trying to catch his eye and he reluctantly held my gaze.
"Sirius…we graduate in six months. I know that you and I have talked about moving in together, but we haven't talked about it since my birthday really. Logistically how is it going to work? Money? And what about…you know…marriage? Kids?" I asked, just deciding to dump it all out at once so I wouldn't lose my nerve.
"You want to talk about this all right now? It has to be right now?" He asked me, panic evident in his eyes.
"Why? Do you have something else, more important to do right now? Something more important than talking to your girlfriend about what you want from our future?" His eyes widened and he pulled me even closer to him.
"No, baby, of course not. You just caught me off guard, that's all. Let's talk." Sirius brought a hand up to cup my cheek and ran his thumb along my cheekbone. "Look, you already know that I want you to move in with me. You wear my key around your neck! As far as money, I have more than enough to support us for as long as we need it – don't give me that look, I'm fucking rich and there is no reason not to take advantage of that. We can figure everything else out later, kitten. There's no need to rush anything."
"You're just going to conveniently ignore the last part of those questions? Marriage and kids?" I asked, my face flushing with the beginnings of anger. He had purposely ignored the two most important questions, and I felt my heart sinking.
Sirius brought a hand up and ran it through his hair. He was fidgeting, which I knew he only did when he was nervous and trying to think of a way out of a situation. "Baby, we have so much time to think about those things. What is bringing this up?"
"Oh, I don't know Sirius." I said heatedly, taking a step back from Sirius. "Maybe the fact that Alice and Frank got engaged and you didn't say a word to them about it? Maybe it's the fact that when Lily tried to bring it up, you basically jumped James to get him to change the subject? Maybe it's the fact that you're planning on running out and becoming an Auror, and joining up in a secret militia, and I am terrified to lose you, so maybe we don't have so much time. Or maybe it's the fact that I fucking love you, and I want to marry you, but you clearly don't want to marry me!"
I took another step back from him, unaware that somewhere in the middle of my rant, I had started crying. Sirius's jaw had dropped and he was gapping like a fish, searching for something to say. He reached outwards me, but I took another step closer to the door.
"Baby, I –" He started, his voice hoarse with distress.
"No. Sirius, this can't happen anymore. We don't want the same things, and I can not make myself sick with worry over someone who is in the thick of fighting a war, when that person doesn't feel the same way about me. I'm sorry, but I can't do that to myself," I turned and ran out of the room. I made it three corridors away before I tucked behind a statue and slid down to the floor. I wrapped my arms around my bent knees and let myself sob. I sobbed for acting rashly and making this into a deal breaker mid-conversation, when I didn't even know it was one to begin with. I sobbed because I had just let go of the man I loved more than anything. I sobbed because I knew in the long run, it would save me from hurt after I had moved in with him and he decided he didn't see a future. But most of all I sobbed because I knew that without this war, I wouldn't have even thought about marriage for years – turns out this war really was invading every aspect of everyday life, and that was the most terrifying thing of all.
