A/N: This is the chapter that I have been most looking forward to writing! Remember that while this story is canon through the end of GoF, it will have a happy ending. TW in this chapter.
October 31st, 1981
"…She's waking up," I heard through the haziness of the blackness. I opened my eyes groggily, the bright light of the medic tent hurting my eyes. I flinched, covering my eyes with the hand that wasn't being held tightly by someone. The movement hurt my head, and I groaned.
"How are you doing there, champ?" A guy to my left asked. I peaked through one squinted eye, and saw Wesley sitting next to me, holding my hand. With another groan, I made to push myself up further in the bed. "Hey, hey! Take it easy there, you took a nasty hit to the head and fell off your broom right at the end."
I managed to sit up anyway, with Wesley's reluctant help. He adjusted the pillow behind me, making sure my head was cradled in a soft pillow. "What happened?" I asked, touching a couple of fingers to my temple; it was incredibly tender and my head was pounding.
"Well, you lucky duck!" I heard Ellie's cheerful voice coming from the doorway. She was leaning against the doorframe, looking at me with a smirk on her face. "Right as I caught the winning snitch, one of the bludgers found its way right to you, knocked you right off your broom from 50 feet in the air."
"Ughhh…I vaguely remember that," I admitted, hiding my face in my hands. "Oh Merlin, that is so embarrassing."
"It definitely is going to leave an impression for next season, that's for sure," Wes laughed, tapping my shoulder affectionately. As Ellie was pulling a chair over to sit with me, Healer Marsh, the healer that we kept on call during games came bustling in to the room. She was an older woman, her grey hair pulled back in an austere bun, but the smile on her face was kind and friendly.
"Hi dear! Good to see that you're awake, after a spill like that." She spoke in a warm voice. "Everything looks good, just a minor concussion, and a broken arm – I already took care of the arm, might be sore for a little while."
"Oh, good. So I can go home tonight?" I asked, hopefully. "Did anyone owl my husband?"
"We tried to reach him at the ministry, but haven't heard back from anyone yet," Wes told me. "I'm sure he'll get the message soon."
I shook my head. "He has the overnight watch tonight, so they probably won't have told him yet. No big deal, I'll see him in the morning."
"We should get going. I have big plans with Lewis tonight! Don't forget we have the end of season dinner next week!" Ellie called jovially, pulling on Wes's arm.
"I would stay, but you're fine, and I'm dying to get home and see Oliver," Wes said with an apologetic look on his face. I waved them both off, and promised to see them next week. They closed the door behind them, and I looked over at Healer Marsh to ask again when I could go home as well.
Healer Marsh was looking over my chart, a frown on her face. She looked up at me and sat down next to me in the chair Wes had just vacated. "I almost didn't catch this before," she began. She ran an additional test on me with a wave of her wand. I didn't understand the results that popped up, but they made her burrow her brow further.
"What? What is it? Is everything okay?" I interrupted frantically. Healer Marsh smiled at me suddenly, and patted my hand.
"The baby is fine!" She said excitedly. Based on the look of shock on my face, she continued cautiously. "Were you and your husband trying for a baby?"
"No? We haven't exactly talked about it," I replied, confused. "We both want kids, but with everything going on now, it hasn't exactly been the best time for one."
"Well, honey, I ran a full diagnostics on you, and you are pregnant. Just pregnant it looks like; the test almost didn't pick up on the fetus."
I stared at her, my mouth dropped open. How was that possible? Sirius and I were always so careful, we always made sure to cast a contraceptive charm before sleeping together…But this last time had been so rushed, I definitely had not cast one. Now that I thought about it, I couldn't remember Sirius doing one either. Fuck. I had been so happy to have him home, I hadn't even thought. It was just my luck that the one time we forgot to be careful, I would get pregnant.
I thought back to Lily telling us at Christmas Eve dinner all about sonogram charms, and how they could detect a fetus at just three days old. I had seen Sirius three days ago, and we had not been careful. Fuck, Healer Marsh was right, I definitely could be pregnant.
"Okay…alright. I'm pregnant. What does that mean? What do I have to do?" I asked in a broken voice; the shock of the news evident in my voice.
"Well, we can talk about different options if you want, but if you want to proceed with the pregnancy, you will need to find a primary healer who will be around for checkups every six weeks."
"My dad is a healer, so that's no problem," I said slowly. I sat up further in my bed, looking Healer Marsh in the eyes. "Do you mind not telling anyone? I want to tell Sirius before anyone else."
"Absolutely, dear. Doctor-patient confidentiality and all that," Healer Marsh smiled at me again. "If I may be unprofessional for just a moment?"
I nodded at her, indicating that she could continue. "I've seen the way you look when you talk about your husband. I think we all could do with a little more love in the world, and this baby may be just the thing you need. Timing is never perfect, but that's what makes life so beautiful."
I thought about her words for a second and nodded at her again. It made sense – Molly was a testament to that. She was over the moon about her family, even with seven young children at home. The way that she loved her children, even when they came as she least expected it, proved that timing wasn't everything.
I got home and decided to lie down and rest. I was still feeling pretty sore, and finding out that I was pregnant had taken a huge emotional toll on me. With Sirius working the overnight shift, I decided that I would just wait and tell him the news in the morning. The more I thought about it, the more I decided that this was a good thing. I knew that Sirius would be the most amazing father; seeing how much he loved Harry was a testament to that fact. The way he doted upon Harry, from buying him his first broom for his first birthday, to the lengths I know he would go to protect him, proved that he was going to be fully capable of loving our child unconditionally.
I was more worried about myself. Was I going to be a good mother? Sure, I loved Harry; he was my godson, after all. But at the end of the day, I was happy to be able to hand Harry back to Lily or James, and leave with my husband to our quiet loft. Was I going to have that same maternal instinct that Lily had naturally gravitated towards? Was I going to be able to be the kind of mother that my own was to me? Could I even be a mother without my mother to help me?
All of the conflicting thoughts and emotions exhausted me, and I must have passed out early in the night. I woke up the next morning, and through my squinted eyes, I could tell that it was very early morning. I heard a commotion coming from the living room, and got up excitedly. Sirius must have just gotten in from his shift; he always tried to be quiet when coming home, but I slept with one ear open for him and always woke up anyway. I slipped my feet in to my slippers and walked to my bedroom door – I paused for a moment, the butterflies growing in my stomach. I had decided that I was excited about this baby, but I wasn't entirely sure how Sirius was going to react. I pushed down my nerves; Sirius and I had been married for three years! Four of our best friends were parents! If they can do it, we could do it. Plus, he had never given me any reason to doubt his devotion to me; I'm sure that he would support me in whatever I wanted to do.
With a deep breath, I pushed open the door. "Sirius?" I called, trying to see him in the dim light.
"Try again, baby," a deep quiet voice stopped me in my tracks. It was the last thing I had been expecting to hear – not just now, but ever again. He came in to view. His blonde hair was longer than I had ever seen it, and he was sporting a face full of scruff. He was thinner than he had been four years ago, his face gaunt and pale. Perhaps the biggest change was the complete lack of spark in his brown eyes; he was standing there staring at me like he was the walking dead, and the very sight of him made me feel sick to my stomach instantly.
"Jase?" I gasped, dread filling my stomach. I backed up immediately, my back hitting the living room wall behind me.
"Hi there, Addie. Surprised to see me?" Jase sneered, starting to move slowly towards me. I cursed myself, realizing that I had left my wand next to the box of letters that I had brought home with me when Healer Marsh had released me. Both were sitting on the nightstand next to where I had been asleep just a few moments ago.
"What are you doing here?" I asked in a panic, my eyes searching desperately around the room for anything I could use to defend myself. "When did you get out of Azkaban?"
"Wow, you really have forgotten about me, huh?" Jase chuckled darkly, now just a few steps away from me. He was enjoying the look of fear on my face; he was enjoying knowing that once again, he had me cornered with no escape. "That's great for you! While you've been out here with your rich husband, playing Quidditch and ignoring everything that's been going on in the world, I spent every day for the last four and a half years thinking about how I was going to hurt you most when I got out."
I swallowed thickly, my throat starting to close up in fear. "Jase, that's not fair. I haven't been ignoring what is going on. My mother died – four years ago. Sirius lost his father and brother. James and Lily – they got married, they both lost their parents, and they had a baby! We lost Marlene McKinnon a couple of months ago. I haven't been ignoring what is going on out there! I've been reminded every day that the world if fucking falling to shit. So I am so sorry that I managed to forget that the man who raped me was getting out of prison. I am so sorry that I didn't think about you every single day, that I didn't have to relive what you did to me every day for the last four years."
"Oh, I know all about Lily and James Potter – and their son Harry," Jase snarled, taking another step closer to me. "You see, in Azkaban, people talk. I know that You-Know-Who has been looking for them, that they've been in hiding for a year and a half. I know that Sirius was the one protecting them. And you know what else I know? Last night, You-Know-Who found them."
"What do you mean…found them?" It was as if time had stopped, and all of the fear from the past several years found itself right in to the pit of my stomach at once. "You don't mean…"
"Lily and James Potter are dead," Jase deadpanned, his voice and demeanor completely unsympathetic. He was watching me, soaking in the pain he knew he had just inflicted on me. This was his entire plan – to be the one to break the news to me. This was the opportunity he was waiting for.
"No!" I cried, my knees giving out. I slid down the wall, unable to stand, unable to think, unable to breath. "No they can't be."
"Their baby did survive, if that's any consolation. But do you want to know what makes it even better? Better for me, obviously."
"No, Jase, please. No more. No more," I pleaded, shaking my head side to side. Tears were streaming down my face, staining the Puddlemere uniform that I was still wearing. I couldn't imagine what he was going to say that could be worse than finding out my two best friends were dead. Everything we did to protect them, shattered in an instant.
"Your husband is in Azkaban. He went nuts after betraying Lily and James, and he traced down that little idiot, Pettigrew. Pettigrew is dead, and so are twelve muggles. Your precious Sirius Black betrayed his best friends, betrayed you and is now locked up for life."
"No! No!" I exclaimed through my tears, my breaths coming ragged. "That's impossible. They switched! Sirius didn't betray them, he's innocent!" It didn't make any sense – Sirius couldn't have betrayed Lily and James. Pettigrew was the Secret Keeper…Pettigrew was dead? Sirius killed him? None of it made any sense, and I couldn't figure it out when all I could think of was my grief.
"Even if that's true, you're the only one who knows. And I'm going to make sure that you don't remember when I'm through with you." Jase was almost laughing. He looked completely unhinged, like this was the most joyous day of his life. And seeing me this way, utterly broken, probably did make him happy; throughout our entire trial, I never let him see me this undone. It was vindication for him, that he could hurt me this way. "You cost me my life, bitch. Nobody will hire me now. I was going to be a healer; I was going to be someone! And you took it away from me because you couldn't keep your fucking mouth shut."
"Jase, please. You did this to yourself – you didn't have to rape me. You made that decision, and you paid for it. I didn't do anything – Sirius, Sirius didn't do anything! Don't put an innocent man in jail when I can stop it. Don't take my memories," I was pleading with him, begging on my hands and knees, but I didn't care. I would do anything to make Jase see that he didn't have to do this. He could be the bigger man for once.
"I've been waiting four years to see you hurt, like you hurt me. There is nothing you can say to me to convince me to help you," Jase roared. He snapped now, leaning in to his rage and kicked me over and over again. After he kicked my stomach once, I rolled over, trying desperately to protect my stomach at all costs. Jase kicked wherever he could reach, but when he kicked my stomach a second time, I called out, "Stop! Please! I'm pregnant."
Jase paused for a moment, kneeling down to look at me. The expression on his face changed; he looked almost kind, concerned. He looked human. It lasted just a second, before his expression twisted back to the unhinged rage that it had been since I first saw him today. He grabbed me by my arm and pulled me up. With his grip tight, and no room to escape, he pushed me against the wall, facing away from him. My face pressed in to the wall, I knew where this was going before he even said anything.
He pushed the hair behind my ear, leaned down and whispered, "Well, how about we make sure you think that baby is a Whitmore, not a Black."
That was the last thing I fully remember. Jase left right after, my body broken and bruised on my living room floor. Again, he had taken something by force from me, something that was not his to take. Just before he left, he had pointed his wand at me and muttered, "obliviate".
I must have dozed off after, my body and mind completely exhausted. I awoke, dazed, sometime in the late morning. My head was pounding, and my body hurt all over. I tried to remember what had happened, but quickly realized that the only thing I could remember in the last week was being hit in the head by that bludger, and Jase showing up at my loft. I couldn't remember anything Jase and I had talked about…but I did remember him hurting me…and raping me. Fuck, that wasn't a dream – that had really happened.
I pulled my body up off the ground, and tried to drag myself over to the couch. Sitting on my coffee table was the daily prophet; it must have been delivered while I was asleep. I sat down gingerly, wondering why Sirius wasn't home. Was he at work still? Was he at Lily and James's to see Harry?
I glanced down at the Daily Prophet, expecting the usual filler pieces, trying to convince us that the war wasn't as bad as it seemed. I gasped when I saw the headline "THE BOY WHO LIVES – HARRY POTTER DEFEATS DARK LORD".
I scrambled for the paper, picking it up and skimming through it.
Late Halloween evening, Lily and James Potter, 21, were killed by He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Shockingly, their son Harry, 1, was not killed, but seems to have defeated the Dark Lord, vanquishing him for us all. No further information is known at this time.
As the story developed, it became apparent that their best friend, and former Auror, Sirius Black, 22, had betrayed the family to the Dark Lord. He then went on a psychotic break, killing another friend, Peter Pettigrew and 12 innocent muggle bystanders.
Mr. Black has been taken in to Auror custody, and is being held in Azkaban with no trial.
I sat back on the couch, completely shocked, unable to grasp what I had just read. My best friends were gone; my husband was in jail, accused of killing three of his best friends and 12 innocents. And the worst part…I couldn't even defend him. Sirius was Lily and James's Secret Keeper – he was the only one who could have given them up. He obviously wasn't captured and tortured, so the only logical explanation was that he was the traitor the entire time.
After all of his talk about Remus being the traitor, it had been him the entire time! He was trying to throw me off his trail by putting it in my mind that it was Remus. And what did I know? I'd been gone so often, traveling with the team, he could have been having Death Eater meetings right in my very living room, and I never would have been any the wiser.
I couldn't handle all of this – first Jase, then Lily and James, then Sirius? It was too much. It was too much for anyone. I curled up in a ball, despite knowing that I needed to move. I needed to go look for Harry, needed to make sure he was safe. I'm his guardian now; Lily and James trusted me to take care of him if anything happened to them. I needed to stop thinking about myself; stop being selfish.
With an enormous effort, I pulled myself off the couch and into a shower. If I was going to go collect my godson, I should probably make sure that I didn't look like an absolute loon. Not that anyone could blame me, I figured.
Once I had gotten dressed, I sat on my bed, head in my hands. I wish I didn't have to do this alone. I was going to have to face the entire ministry, knowing that they all knew my husband ended up being the biggest traitor of them all. I was the biggest clown of them all, actually believing the lies Sirius had fed me. He wasn't a good guy; he was just like the rest of his family. How long had he been lying to us all? Infiltrating our lives, learning our secrets and gaining our trust? Had everything been a lie? I usually would have gone to Lily or Marlene, begged for help figuring this all out, but they were both gone. I could go try to find Alice, but I still had no idea where they were hiding.
Just as I was about to try finding Lewis, I heard a knock at my door. I got up, and walked towards the door. Cautiously this time, I asked who it was before answering it.
"Addie, it's Lew," I heard from the other side of the door. I threw the door open, and jumped into Lewis's arms before he could say anything.
"Hey, kiddo. How are you doing?" Lewis asked, his arms squeezing me in tight. My entire body throbbed, and I allowed myself to breakdown in his arms. "Shhh, Addie. I know. I know you're not okay."
Lewis dragged my back inside and deposited me on the couch. He sat down next to me, pulling my head in to his lap and petting my hair like he used to when we were children. "Can I go get Harry? Will you come with me?" I asked, not even sure what I was supposed to say to him.
"Oh, Addie. That's part of the reason why I'm here. Crouch sent me to find you, and to tell you that you can't leave the house for a couple of days. Obviously, they want to question you, and I told them that there was no way they were holding you in Azkaban. They think you know something about Sirius."
"Don't ever say that name to me again," I snarled, surprising even myself. Lewis nodded, wide eyed. "That bastard deserves everything coming to him."
"Okay, I'm sorry. Look, it's just for a couple of days. Harry is somewhere safe – Dumbledore took him himself."
I nodded, knowing that was probably best for now. I shouldn't try to bring Harry home with me until everything settled down. I wanted to give him a good, normal life. I didn't want him involved with the Sirius scandal, courtrooms, or anything else that he was subliminally remember when he was older.
"Lewis, there's something else," I admitted, finally breaking down in to the tears I had been strongly holding back since he arrived. I guess there was no time like the present to just tell him everything. I already looked pathetic enough, what was one more admission. "Jase…"
"Jase?!" Lewis exclaimed, shocked.
"He was here. This morning. Everything is really hazy because I had a quidditch accident yesterday – I have a minor concussion, nothing serious – but I know for a fact that he raped me again."
Lewis didn't say anything for a long time. He just held me, and let me cry. After thirty minutes of this, he muttered so quietly I doubt he even knows that I heard him, "We're going to get that bastard."
I nodded, my tears subsiding. "I know we will. And I know that I have to wait a couple of days, but I want Dad to come run some tests."
"I'll go get him. We'll both stay with you until the Ministry decides to bring you in." He leaned down and kissed the top of my head. "Addie, I am so sorry. You have lost so much today, experienced more pain in 12 hours than anyone should experience in their entire lifetime."
I shrugged, knowing that he was right. I had wondered at one point if death would eventually stop affecting me, and I was somewhat right. It had stopped affecting me, because right now, I didn't feel anything at all. All of the anger, sadness, humiliation, violation that I felt had subsided into nothingness. I was numb. And I wasn't sure I ever wanted to feel again. The one shining hope I held on to was Harry. If Sirius wouldn't uphold his promise to always protect him, I most certainly would.
