PART THREE: THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX
September 1st, 1993
I had struggled for the last month with how I wanted to tell Hollyn about Sirius escaping from Azkaban. This had not been my plan; this had been nowhere near my plan. I had wanted to wait until she was 17, of age, and able to understand the more intricate details of love and life. I hadn't planned on being faced with this when she had barely turned 11, before she had even gone to Hogwarts – and I certainly hadn't expected to be worried that Sirius would be free and Merlin knows where.
But I had run out of time. The Hogwarts Express would leave in an hour, and I still hadn't decided how I wanted to tell Hollyn about Sirius. I wasn't even sure Sirius would target her, that she was actually in danger. He didn't even know about her, right? There were tons of Joneses in the world, plus it's not as if he had access to a Hogwarts roster. If I was going to worry about anyone, it should be Harry. I knew that Arthur had been planning on breaking the news to Harry – that Sirius had broken out and would probably come looking for him.
"He's been saying Harry's name in his sleep. Muttering, 'he's at Hogwarts' over and over," Arthur had warned me a couple of weeks ago. After he had shown up at my house to tell me of the escape, I had all but pushed him out of the loft to prevent Hollyn from waking up and asking questions. I'd met him in London a few days later on his lunch break, and we had been able to really talk. He'd then won a ton of prize money, and had taken his entire family to Egypt to visit Bill – I hadn't seen him since he'd been back, and I didn't know if he'd warned Harry yet or not.
"Mom, do you think I'll need all five sweaters? Or should I leave one home?" Hollyn came rushing out of her room, sweaters stacked in her small arms. She looked so much like Sirius, I found it hard to believe still that Jase was her father. If I hadn't known without a shadow of a doubt that Sirius couldn't be her father, I would have run a paternity test. Her jet black hair had grown over the summer, it now swung to the middle of her back, curling slightly at the ends. Her olive skin was glowing – the benefit of spending the entire summer outside with Ginny, before they went away – and her grey eyes had become sharper as she had matured. I couldn't see any of myself in her, or any of Jase – fate really must have a cruel way of playing tricks on you.
"Mom?" Hollyn asked again, staring at me as I blatantly ignored her.
"Sorry, love. Take them all, the castle gets chilly quickly," I told her, taking the sweaters out of her hands and folding them neatly. "Sit with me for a minute, love. I have something serious that I have to talk to you about." In my head, I again heard Sirius making his "No, I'm Sirius" joke, and I hated that after twelve years he still infiltrated my thoughts.
"Okay," Hollyn agreed easily. She sat primly on the couch; looking at me like she was worried I was about to give her "the talk". I wished that were what I had to do – that would be embarrassing, but not nerve inducing.
"I know that you must have wondered why my last name is Black, while your last name is Jones," I began. Hollyn did nothing more than nod once, her little eyebrows furrowed. "I hadn't planned on talking to you about this until you were of age, or you started asking questions. But of course, I get the one kid in the entire world who is too sweet to be curious." I laughed, and Hollyn's confused look broke in to a small smile. I could see the curiosity brewing behind her eyes, and I realized that although she had never outright asked, there had been signs all along that she was interested to know. But she had wanted me to tell her on my own time; because she was the most considerate kid a single mother could ever ask for. Seriously, how had Jase produced such a perfect child?
"I was…am still, really…married to Sirius Black."
"Sirius Black? As in…the murderer Sirius Black?" Hollyn asked, clearly shocked. She pulled her hands into her lap and grasped them together, a sign that she was feeling anxious.
"Yes. Obviously, I didn't want you to know this until you were ready, but with everything going on, you needed to know. You need to be careful at Hogwarts, okay? Stay close to Ginny; stay extra close to Fred and George. Those three will protect you."
"What about Ron?" She asked. I had purposely left him out because of his connection to Harry Potter. The further away from Harry I could keep her, the happier I would be; Sirius was sure to come after Harry, and I didn't want him finding out about Hollyn in the process.
"This is very important Hollyn," I warned. "Ron is a last resort. Go to Fred and George, hell even Percy, first if you need anything – but Ron is the last person you ask for help."
"I don't understand." Hollyn was much closer with Ron, given their ages, than she was with Percy. Plus, Percy had grown up to be somewhat of a pompous git, not that I would ever let Molly hear me saying that.
"Fred and George are going to be your big brothers, okay? They will take care of you." At Hollyn's insistent glare, I knew that I was going to have to give her a reason to stay away from Ron. "Sirius Black is going to be after Harry Potter, okay? To keep you safe, I need you to keep your distance from Ron and Harry. Promise me, Hollyn. Promise me that you will be careful this year, and you won't go looking for him."
"Mom…" Hollyn trailed off, looking down at her clasped hands. "Is Sirius Black my father?"
I sighed deeply. I didn't want to lie to her, but I also wasn't sure she was ready to know what had really happened. Finally I said, "No."
"So why would he be after me? I understand why he would be after Harry – everyone is always after Harry."
"I'm not sure that he is. But because I don't know, I don't want you to put yourself in any danger."
"I promise, Mom."
"I'm sorry that I had to tell you this now, when you should be excited to go to Hogwarts."
"It's okay. At least it's not a giant snake, right? Just a murderer, who may or may not be after me," Hollyn joked. "Should be calmer than Ginny's first year, at least. And Ron's."
I pulled her to my side, kissing the top of her head. "How did I get the most perfect daughter in the entire world?" I asked in an overly dramatic voice.
"Must have been my father's genes. Can't have been your influence," Hollyn winked at me, indicating that she was joking. "I should finish packing…"
"Yes! This train leaves in 15 minutes, I don't want you to be late."
We made it to Platform 9 ¾ just in time. We met up with the Weasleys. I saw a head of jet-black hair, and my throat caught. Harry Potter was standing right there, not five feet from me, but for some odd reason, I wasn't being pushed back. I had thought the restraining order would have pushed me away from him, and I had been totally prepared to stand at the back of the platform and wave goodbye to Hollyn from there.
For the first time since Harry was one-year old, I was able to see him. I could hold him, if I wanted to – and if that wouldn't totally creep him out. The boy who should have grown up as my son was standing right there, grinning his beautiful smile, talking to a short girl with extremely bushy hair. I was going to introduce myself to him, finally, when I saw Arthur pull him away urgently. Knowing that my chance was gone, I turned my attention to the kids in front of me.
"Fred, George? A moment?" I asked quietly, pulling the two mischievous twins away with me. They came willingly, if not suspiciously.
"What is it, Aunt Addie?" Fred asked. The twins had grown at least a foot over the summer – they both towered over me now, and I had to strain my neck to see their faces.
"You'll watch out for Hollyn right? With Sirius Black on the loose, I'm just worried about her. I'd feel much better knowing she had two older brothers looking out for her."
"Of course," George agreed immediately, not even pausing to think.
"You know we do vaguely remember Sirius being around when we were younger…" Fred trailed off. "We know that you have history with him, that you were married to him."
"I didn't exactly hide it too well, did I?" I chuckled. "Walking around with the last name Black, thinking I could get away with it."
"You can't help who you love," George said in a wise tone much too serious for either of the twins. "At least it wasn't Snape, imagine how awful that would be!" He quickly switched in to a more jovial tone, and I knew that the seriousness was over.
"I'd much rather have a mass murderer for an Uncle than that greasy old bat," Fred agreed, nodding in mock seriousness, the mirth obvious in his eyes. Despite the jokes, I knew without a doubt that they would take care of Hollyn – behind their carefree attitudes, they would do anything to protect someone they loved.
"Thanks, boys. Go! Before the train leaves." I realized what time it was, and pushed the boys directly towards the train. They hopped on quickly, and I pulled Hollyn towards me in a strong hug, reluctant to let go.
"I love you, Hollyn!" I said in to her hair. She smelled like lilacs and baby powder, exactly how she has smelled since the first time I ever held her.
"Mom! I have to go, the train is leaving." She was right; the train was starting to pull away. Fred was hanging out of the door, hand out to Hollyn so he could pull her in.
"Don't forget to write! Good luck with the sorting! I love you!"
"I love you, Mom!" Hollyn called back, swinging in to the train on Fred's hand. I felt tears prick behind my eyes, and soon after felt Molly's hand on my shoulder.
"It gets better," She promised me, wiping her own tears. "Eventually. By the time they're in seventh year." She chuckled weakly. I knew that this year was different, for us all. For me, it was the first time my girl would be gone. For her, she knew that Sirius Black was after her surrogate son. My stomach clenched in worry for Harry, also. But I had to believe, after all that he had already been through, that he would be fine. Besides, it was time for me to figure out just exactly why I could now go near him.
September 6th, 1993
Dumbledore responded to my letter almost a week later. I had had a feeling for years that Dumbledore was the one behind Harry being placed with his Aunt and Uncle; until now, I hadn't seen the point in confronting him. If I knew Dumbledore, which I did, he wouldn't change his mind just because someone was angry with him.
Mrs. Black,
Please meet me in my office this Monday at 3pm.
Sincerely,
Albus Dumbledore
P.S, I hope you enjoy sugar quills.
I found myself standing in the middle of Hogsmeade, wiping off my trousers and staring up the familiar path towards the castle. I hadn't been back in Hogsmeade since graduating Hogwarts, and certainly not since Sirius had been locked up. Every inch of Hogsmeade reminded me of someone – butterbeer with Sirius at the Three Broomsticks, buying chocolate with Lily at Honeydukes, buying joke products at Zonko's with James. It was painful being back here, but I squared my shoulders and made my way towards the castle.
The entire trip up, I felt as though someone was watching me. I couldn't place the feeling, and there was no one on the secluded road with me, so I tried to shake it off. Every so often I heard something in the underbrush next to me, but when I turned to look, nothing was there. I was happy to reach the castle gates, and I waited for someone to come and get me.
My happiness soured, however, when I saw the dementors floating near the entrance to the castle. I had heard that they were going to guard the school this year, from Arthur, but seeing them was something completely different from hearing about them. Thankfully, they were too far away to affect me, and I hoped that I wouldn't have to feel them even when I got closer. I was only waiting a couple of minutes, when I saw the familiar dark form of a former classmate making their way down the grounds. He was holding his wand in front of him, a silvery light coming out of it. It wasn't a corporeal patronus, but it was effective enough.
"Hello, Snape," I greeted casually. "Nice day, huh?"
"I have no desire for small talk, Black," He sneered back, opening the gate for me. "I was simply tasked with the unpleasant duty of coming to get you for the headmaster."
"Well, you haven't changed a bit." I stared straight ahead, not willing to look at him if he was going to be so nasty.
"So tell me," He said after a couple of minutes of uncomfortable silence. "Seen that husband of yours wandering around lately?"
"Excuse me?" I came to a stop, offended that he would even ask me that.
"It is just a question, Black. But your outraged reaction to it seems to indicate that perhaps you have seen him."
"Of course I haven't."
"Then tell me…Why hold on to that last name, if you weren't holding on to the man who gave it to you?" He had a point. It was a question I had asked myself numerous times over the last twelve years. It would have been much simpler, had I gone back to my maiden name of Jones. I could have assuaged unpleasant questions, dodged dirty looks, and missed those looks of pity entirely. I could have hidden my connection to him forever, never needing to tell Hollyn about him. I could have pretended that I had her through a one-night stand; it wouldn't have been my finest moment as a mother, but it would have been a lot less embarrassing than the truth. I could have avoided every unpleasant conversation with her – conversations that I hadn't really even had yet.
Yet, every time I thought about changing it, something stopped me. As if my body knew something I didn't, every time I thought about changing it I was sent in to a dizzy of panic. I'd decided that for whatever reason, fate was telling me that I needed to hold on to it…that I needed to hold on to him. The anger that I felt towards Sirius had faded in the last several years. I was still disgusted by what he had done, and knew that realistically I should hate him more than anything – but my body had other ideas. My body still yearned for his – it stopped me from wanting anybody else. It's not that I hadn't had offers from other men since him, but something had always stopped me. I wasn't a big believer in fate or destiny, but if Marlene were here she would be telling me that the 'powers that be' had a plan for me, and I had to listen to what my body was telling me to do.
"I guess I just honor the vows I made to him. You can hate the person without hating your past together. I did vow to love him for better, for worse," I shrugged, glancing at Snape out of the corner of my eye. He looked almost shocked at my words, as though the idea of loving someone, even at their worst was a foreign concept; although he did look oddly touched by the idea.
"I guess it really does take a saint to have loved him at all," He finally said, clearing his throat uncomfortably.
"Well, thanks?" I said hesitantly. "But you can be sure that no matter what I may or may not still feel for him, my daughter's safety and Harry Potter's safety comes first. If I knew anything, I would have told Dumbledore already."
Snape didn't say anything, but seemed to believe me given that he nodded curtly. We had made it to the stone gargoyle that guarded Dumbledore's office, and I smiled my thanks to Snape. He ambled off down the hill without a further word, or even a grunt to acknowledge he had heard me.
"Sugar Quills." I gave the password to the gargoyle, and it moved out of the way, revealing a stone staircase that spiraled up to Dumbledore's office. I walked upstairs and knocked on the ornate door.
"Enter," Came the dreamy voice from behind the door. I pushed the door open and walked in to the circular office. I had never been in here before, and I took in the scene in front of me; there were gadgets on every surface, many that I didn't even recognize. All around the round walls were portraits of deceased headmasters; many of them were chatting with each other lightly, trying to look busy, but others were staring at me with no preamble. Dumbledore was sitting behind a large claw footed desk, looking at me expectantly.
"Mrs. Black, what a pleasure it was to receive your note. Tea?" He asked me politely, gesturing to a silver teapot that was sitting on a small table next to his desk.
"Yes, please," I agreed. Dumbledore waved his wand and immediately the water boiled. He poured me a cup and handed it to me; I noted that it was made exactly the way I liked it. I took a sip and put the cup back onto its saucer.
"Now, is this concerning Mr. Potter or Mr. Black?" Dumbledore asked me perceptively, not bothering with any small talk.
"Both."
"Shall we start with Mr. Black? I feel that may be the more pleasant topic of conversation for us," Dumbledore put the tips of his fingertips to his chin, looking at me as though he already knew everything I wanted to say to him. Perhaps he did; I had always been sure that Dumbledore practiced occlumency on every person he spoke to.
"You'll protect them, right?" I asked without pausing.
"I assume you mean your daughter – congratulations by the way, you must be so proud of her for following in your footsteps and being sorted in to Gryffindor – and Mr. Potter?"
"Yes. Especially Harry, you have to protect him," I begged, not even pretending to keep my composure.
"I am doing everything that I can to protect all of my students, Mrs. Black," Dumbledore said, not unkindly. He said it as though simply reminding me that the two students I cared particularly for were not his only priority.
"I understand that, but Sirius is coming for Harry. There's no getting around it – I don't know why he betrayed Lily and James, but he did. And he won't stop once he's put his mind to something. He will never stop until he finished the job that he set out on twelve years ago."
Dumbledore was looking at me thoughtfully, as though he wanted to say something more. Just as quickly as the look crossed his face, it was gone. "I will protect them both. Although, am I right in believing that Sirius doesn't know about Hollyn?"
I nodded. "That doesn't mean he can't find out. She looks just like him."
Dumbledore looked at me, that same look crossing his face as if he knew something I didn't and he was debating telling me. "Well, he is the father, is he not?"
I shook my head. "No, sir. Just fate playing a cruel trick on me."
Dumbledore looked thoughtful for a minute, but didn't broach the subject again. "Now, Mr. Potter…"
"I was told that I had been issued a magical restraining order against him – back when I was trying everything I could to get him taken out of his Aunt and Uncle's custody and placed in to my own. I was filibustered at every step, not able to break through any of the legal barriers, not even able to be given a chance to visit him, get to know him. But last week at Kings Cross…the restraining order didn't affect me. I could have walked right up to him, hugged him even. I figured you might know something, or be able to find out for me. Am I able to finally petition for custody?"
"No," He said simply, looking at me over his half-moon spectacles. He sighed deeply before speaking again. "I suppose it is time to finally tell you the truth. I am the one who had the restraining order taken out against you. And I am the one who has been blocking your attempts at custody."
My stomach clenched, my face flushed, and the familiar feeling of rage took over my body like a ghostly spirit. "You. Did. What?" I asked, dangerously. Although spoken quietly, the rage that I felt came through in every syllable.
"It was for Harry's own good."
"How can you possibly pretend to know what was for Harry's own good?" I snapped nastily. "I know how Petunia and Vernon have been treating him – I know that Harry grew up alone, sad, and practically abused. You knew that Lily and James wanted me to have him; to love him. He could have grown up with a sister! He could have grown up with a real family – a grandpa, uncles, aunts, cousins, and the entire Weasley clan."
"Harry needed to be placed with blood relatives," Dumbledore began.
"Why?" I asked, curiosity getting the better of me. The anger that I felt was sitting just underneath the surface, like a wave waiting to break through the water's surface. But his straightforward answer had me intrigued to know his thought process, so I forced myself to calm down and think rationally. Dumbledore sighed, as if he didn't really want to tell me why. My insistent glare seemed to tell him that I wasn't leaving until he did, so he continued warily.
"The night Lily died, she died to protect Harry. Her act of self-sacrifice, complete selfless love, left a magical protection for Harry. The protection lives on in his blood, in Lily's blood. In order to keep that protection, Harry needed to be under the care of family members who shared Lily's blood."
"But what does it matter if he's protected or not? Voldemort is gone! Harry is safe."
"It is my belief that Voldemort is not as gone as you believe. You remember what happened Harry's first year?"
"Ron told us the basics. I think he didn't want to scare his parents more than anything."
"Voldemort is out there, in some form as yet unknown to wizardkind. It is my belief that he can, and will, come back. Harry needed to be protected, and he will need to be protected in upcoming years."
I sat in my seat and sipped my tea. I had heard whispers that Voldemort wasn't truly gone – we all had. It didn't panic me, knowing that for now we were all relatively safe. I understood Dumbledore's reasoning, but what irked me was that instead of telling me this twelve years ago, he had kept me in the dark all this time.
"Sir," I started, putting my tea cup down. "I understand that you did what you felt was right. But I had the right to be involved in decisions regarding my godson, and you took that right away from me. That's not something I can easily forgive."
"I understand. To be fair, I wasn't entirely sure of your mental state – can you blame me? You had lost so much in one day, your best friends, and your husband. I didn't want to add to your burden by trying to explain the intricacies of the protection spell. Can you forgive an old man for underestimating you?"
I thought about it from his perspective. If I had been him, I also would have assumed that I was a mess, incapable of taking care of a child. But I had done it, nine months later with my own child. "I understand what you did, but no, I can't forgive you. If you'll excuse me, I believe that is all I have to say to you. Thank you for the tea."
I pushed the chair away from the desk and stood. I walked to the door, and just before opening it I heard, "I promise that Sirius Black will do no harm to your children. In return, I need you to promise that you will not attempt to have Harry removed from his Aunt and Uncles. He is safe there. If I have to reinstate the restraining order, I will; I just figured you should be able to see your daughter off to school, so I lifted it."
I contemplated for a second, my hand on the doorknob. I would rather have the option to get to know Harry, now that the restraining order was lifted, rather than throw that chance away to fight a battle that I knew I would lose. "Thank you," I shot over my shoulder, before I walked through the door and away from the man who had ensured Harry Potter grew up lonely, without love. That wasn't something I was prepared to forgive, and he wasn't someone I would ever trust again.
