June 7th, 1994
The clock chimed midnight as I followed the headmaster up to Professor Flitwick's office on the seventh floor. Dumbledore stopped just outside the door, stepped to the side and watched as I walked up to it hesitantly.
"Cornelius?" He said, almost in an offhand way. "What do you say we go head the dementors off – tell them they're not needed any longer – and then we can go and have a chat."
"But, I – but…" Fudge stammered. He was clearly trying to come up with a reason for why I shouldn't be allowed inside alone.
"Minister, I've waited twelve years to be alone with my husband, who you wrongly held in Azkaban – the least you can do is make sure the dementors don't show up to suck his soul out," I deadpanned. The glare I leveled over my shoulder left no room for discussion.
"Ah yes, Dumbledore. Let's do just that – perhaps a large cup of brandy, as well. Terribly exhausting night, isn't it?"
Fudge and Dumbledore took off back down the hall we had just come from, chatting mildly. For once, Dumbledore had done the right thing, I thought to myself as I watched his retreating back. I faced the door again, strengthened my resolve, and pushed the door open.
Sirius was sitting inside, chained to a chair in the center of the room. Flitwick's office was full of trinkets, photos, and stacks of books that came up to my middle. I stepped around the books carefully, making my way towards Sirius. With a flick of my wand, the chains disappeared. Sirius pulled his arms back around to his front, flexing his fingers to get circulation flowing again. He stood, slowly, about two feet away from me.
I stared at him, not quite sure what to do. Seeing him standing in front of me, looking as though he had survived more torture than I could even imagine, made me feel entirely empty. Knowing what he had gone through – knowing what I could have prevented – made me feel realize that if he never wanted to speak to me again, I would understand. The glimmer of hope I had seen in his eyes in the Shrieking Shack was gone, replaced with a beady emptiness that betrayed just how utterly broken he truly was.
"Sirius, I–" I started suddenly. But at my words, Sirius had closed the distance between us in one fell swoop, and had pulled me into his arms. He held on to me as if I were a ghost, and the feeling of my skin on his was the only thing holding me to this physical realm. He held on to me as though he was never going to let go. I brought my hands up to gently cradle his face, holding him as though he were made of porcelain. My fingertips traced his gaunt cheekbones before fluttering over his lips and then over his eyelids. Sirius leaned in to my touch – probably the first soft touch he had felt in the last twelve years. When he opened his eyes again, he stared at me intensely, drinking me in; his hands had fallen to my hips, holding me gently as he looked me over.
"You look…different," He spoke gruffly, clearing his throat. He sounded as though using his voice was new to him, as though it hadn't been used properly in several months – maybe even years. I ran a hand anxiously through my shoulder length hair – shorter than he had ever seen it before. I mentally looked over my outfit, realizing that I was dressed plainly, my face devoid of makeup. I reassured myself that at least I had stayed in shape; Quidditch had made sure of that throughout my career. I knew I must look much different from the thin, athletic twenty-one year old he had left behind. I'd raised a child since he last saw me, and I knew that had taken a toll on my body. Back then I had never worried about how I looked; now I worried that I looked old, and plain. "Still just as beautiful as you were the last day I saw you." He said it almost reverently, his gaze searching my body with a needy vigor.
"You look terrible," I said quickly, without thinking. It was true though. He looked at least ten years older than he was. He had lost the lean muscles and aristocratic features that had defined him in his twenties; he was gaunt and malnourished. At my words, though, the familiar spark lit behind his steel grey eyes, the one part of him that still spoke to who he used to be, and he barked out a familiar laugh.
"Azkaban will do that to you, kitten," He joked feebly. I could tell that he was weak by the way he was shaking with the effort to stand, so I took him by the arms and forced him back in to his seat.
I pulled another chair out from behind Flitwick's desk, and sat it down so that I was facing Sirius, our knees touching. Sirius seemed like he couldn't bear to be disconnected him me; immediately after I sat down, he put his hand on my knee, his fingers stroking up and down gently. I put my hand over his, and I noticed that he looked down at my ring finger. I hadn't worn my ring in twelve years, but right now I was kicking myself for causing the heartbroken look on his face.
I decided it was time; time for the truth to come out. Time to beg for his forgiveness for turning my back on him – for believing that he was capable of doing something as dreadful as betraying James and Lily Potter. "I don't know where to begin," I began lamely. Sirius was looking at me, his grey eyes unreadable – almost apathetic. The look on his face directly contradicted the insatiable way he was touching me, and the disconnect left my head reeling.
"The beginning would be nice," He said finally, not giving away anything by his tone of voice.
So I began. I started with the night he came home from the Travers mission, and ended with waking up on the floor of our loft, having forgotten everything but the knowledge that Jase had violated me. Once I started, I couldn't stop the flood of words spilling out of my mouth. Sirius didn't interrupt me, not once. He kept his head down the entire time I was speaking, not betraying any indication of what he was thinking. I needed him to understand that I hadn't meant it – I hadn't meant to be the one who sentenced him to hell.
"I'm so sorry. You have to believe me. The thought of you, in that cell, thinking that I had betrayed you…" I trailed off, the emotions finally overtaking me. I was crying in earnest now, trying to make him understand how sorry I am. "I'm so sorry." I kept saying, over and over again. "I'm so sorry that I wasn't strong enough to fight him off. I'm so sorry that I let him take my memories. I am so sorry that I let him twist my feelings for you, that I let him make me believe you were capable of such a thing."
He was silent for a long time as he processed everything I had told him. When he finally broke the silence, he spoke in the gentlest of tones. "I…have a daughter?" He looked up at me finally; his eyes shining with unshed tears.
I smiled tenderly, and nodded. "Yes."
"What is she like? What's her name?"
"Hollyn Cassiopeia Jones. She is…the most wonderful girl a mother could ask for. She is sweet and sensitive. Intuitive. Brave. Recently, she has shown that she can be feisty. She's absolutely beautiful – she looks just like you."
"She looks like me?" Sirius asked, his eyes shining with pride. Tears were rolling down his face, leaving tracks in the grim that covered his cheeks, but it didn't even look like he knew he was crying.
"I had always thought it was fate playing a cruel trick on me – that she looked just like you, even though you weren't even her father. I always said, at least she doesn't look like Jase." I shrugged. I brought my thumb up to gently wipe away his tears. I left my hand there, stroking his cheek for a moment.
"I'm sorry that this all happened to you, but for the longest time I thought that I would never want to see you again, even if I were given the chance," Sirius confessed. "I was angry at you – so angry. There were days when I wanted to break out of Azkaban just to track you down and make you admit what you had done to me. Then there were days where the thought of your laugh or your smile was the only thing to keep me going. I never once thought that while I was locked away inside, you were locked in your own kind of jail – you were locked within your own mind, unable to access the memories that I needed you to access."
"Are we…are you ever going to be able to forgive me?" I asked hesitantly. I knew deep down, like I had every day for the last twelve years, that I was completely and utterly still in love with the man sitting in front of me. All of the rage, anger, disgust I had felt for him had disappeared the moment I got my memories back. I wasn't sure how he felt. So much had changed in the last decade, who knew where we went from here.
"You know, there were only two thoughts that kept me sane while I was in Azkaban. Most people go crazy while they're in there; the dementors are always around feeding on your happiest thoughts until you are left a depressed shell of a human. Sure, I spent most of my time as Padfoot, which definitely helped, but I also had two thoughts – two thoughts that were not happy thoughts, but facts. One, I was innocent. I knew that without a shadow of a doubt, and they could not take that thought away from me. And two, that no matter what happened, no matter what you did to me, I was always going to love you."
I launched myself in to his arms without another thought, stealing his lips in a bruising kiss. I poured every emotion I had felt since I had last kissed him into this kiss – all of the loneliness, sadness, resentment, anger, joy, pride – I wanted him to feel it all. He kissed back with equal fervor, one of his blackened hands tangling into my hair. I didn't care that he was covered in dirt, or that he clearly hadn't had a proper shower in months. The kiss was magical. The bubble of anxiety that I had carried around with me, telling me that this was wrong, that something was wrong, immediately disappeared with the feeling of his soft lips on my own. The emptiness I had felt was filled with warmth and love and light. Holding him in my arms again was the most natural thing in the world.
He pulled away much too quickly for my liking, but he was out of breath. "Sorry, kitten. The stamina isn't what it used to be." I laughed, kissing all over his face as he steadied his breathing. "It's going to take me a while to come to terms with all of this, but I don't have to forgive you. You were attacked. Again. If anything, I should be the one apologizing for not being there to stop it."
"Everything just got all fucked up, didn't it?" I asked, putting my head down on his shoulder. He ran his fingers through my hair, laughing at my obscenity.
"That's the understatement of the century," He said darkly. We sat like that for a while, enjoying the silence, reacquainting ourselves with the sound of each other's heart beat. "So…was there ever…you know?" He trailed off, looking down at me almost fearfully.
I shook my head lightly. "No one." Sirius looked relieved at my statement. "I'm not saying there weren't people who propositioned me. But something always stopped me. My body always told me that I shouldn't, that it was wrong. I guess I know now, it was my memories trying to remind me what had really happened."
"And my daughter…Hollyn?" I nodded that he had gotten her name right. "Does she know about me?"
"She knows that we were married. I only told her at the beginning of the year. She started Hogwarts this year, and I was going to wait until she was of age to tell her the whole story, but then you broke out. Kind of derailed my plans there, love." I joked weakly.
Sirius chuckled, his hand rubbing circles on my back. "Can I…when can I meet her?" He asked, swallowing nervously.
"I was thinking tonight? I had Snape bring her to McGonagall's office to wait for us."
Sirius stood up, his excitement showing. "Let's go!"
I put my hand on his chest, pushing lightly. "I was thinking I should go talk to her first – warn her and prepare her to meet you, so it isn't quite so much of a shock. Besides, wouldn't you like a shower and a meal first?"
"I want to meet my daughter!" Sirius protested hotly. He brought his hand up to run his hand through his hair, but when his hand got caught he pulled it out with a grimace. Examining his hands, dirty fingernails and muddy palms, he grimaced in disgust. "Fine. You're right. A shower first is probably a good idea," He conceded weakly.
"Posey?" I called assertively. With a pop, the little house elf that had always pampered us during Hogwarts appeared. Her ears were covered in a maroon and gold hat, and she was smiling widely. Her grin only intensified when she saw that it was Sirius and I who had called.
"Mr. Black! Mrs. Black! It is so good to see you both!" Posey bowed deeply to us. "I always knew that you was a good man, but now the whole world will know it!"
"How do you know about that?" I asked Posey in confusion. She giggled at me as she straightened out of her bow.
"We house elves know everything that happens in this school!"
"Makes sense…" Sirius trailed off. "There always was a treacle tart waiting for me the day a bird screamed at me for ditching them, or for snogging their best mate, or for…"
"Speaking of treacle tart," I said pointedly, cutting him off and shooting him a disapproving vow. "Posey, do you think you could bring Sirius some dinner? Maybe some sandwiches, pumpkin juice, and a treacle tart, if you have some?"
"It would be my pleasure to serve the Blacks!" Posey said proudly, with another bow. She popped away, disappearing in to the air.
"I've always missed that elf," Sirius said fondly, looking at the space that Posey had just disappeared from. Almost instantly, Posey was back, a picnic basket in her hands. She put it down on Flitwick's desk.
"If you needs anything else, yous just need to call for me!" She said, bouncing on her toes.
"Thanks, Posey," I said warmly, smiling down at the energetic elf. Posey disappeared again. I turned to Sirius, only to find him already tearing in to a roast beef sandwich.
"You going to be okay?" I asked, running a hand through his hair. He nodded at me, his mouth too full to respond. "The shower is through there," I pointed to the door in the back corner of the room. "Use it, take a nice warm shower, and I'm going to go talk to Hollyn."
I got up, walking towards the hallway door. I paused in the doorframe and turned to look at Sirius – he was eating desperately what I was sure was his first real meal in years. I debated saying something before leaving, not sure if I should take things slow or not. I decided in the end that we had already lost enough time, there was no use in being cautious ever again. "I love you, Sirius."
He looked up at me suddenly, as though my words had shocked him. He chewed thoughtfully and swallowed his food before answering. "I love you too, Addie. Always."
I smiled broadly at his declaration, tapping my knuckles against the door twice before closing it softly behind me. I leaned backwards against the closed door, smiling to myself. I had Sirius back – I had Sirius back, and he didn't hate me. He still loved me! I gave myself one minute to revel in my joy, before steeling myself to the task at hand. I pushed off the door, and made my way down the hallway to the staircase, making my way towards my daughter. It was time she knew the truth about her father.
Hollyn was sitting in a chair in McGonagall's study. Across from her sat Minerva, fixing a pot of tea and shooting Hollyn surreptitious glances when she wasn't looking. I walked in and Hollyn looked up from her lap, her face impassive. When she realized it was me walking in, she hopped out of her seat and hurried over to me.
"Mom?" She asked. She was gripping the bottom of her Weasley sweater between her hands, her anxiety obvious in her body language. "Are you okay? I heard that Harry, Ron and Hermione are in the hospital wing. Everyone is saying that Sirius Black must have attacked them again." She was babbling in her nervousness, but upon seeing the look on my face, she stopped short. "What's going on?"
"Sweetheart, I think you should sit down. I have a lot to tell you."
She sat down blindly, but the look on her face clearly told me that she was expecting answers quickly.
"Tea?" Minerva asked me, already having placed a cup in front of Hollyn. Hollyn picked the cup up with shaking hands, and I nodded gratefully at Minerva.
"Thanks, Professor," I thanked her, taking the offered cup.
"I think the times of you calling me Professor are behind us," Minerva said primly in her light Scottish accent.
"Minerva," I agreed. "Do you mind if I commandeer your office for a while?"
"Not at all," She said briskly, wiping down her palms on her robes. "I imagine there is a guest that you would like me to fetch?"
"If you don't mind," I replied, grateful to her for asking. "I'm going to need a good twenty minutes, but I think you'll find that he's enjoying a nice warm meal and a hot shower." Minerva nodded at me before shutting the door to her office gently behind her.
I turned to look at Hollyn, who was examining me intuitively. "Sirius Black is in the castle?"
"Yes."
"And you've seen him?"
"Yes."
"What happened?" She asked, her teacup absentmindedly held in one dainty hand.
I hesitated, debating what the easiest way to explain everything that had happened tonight to her. I decided to start at the beginning, with her letters.
"Those letters that you read, in the box that I keep on my desk?" I began.
"I'm sorry, Mom! I'm sorry that I read your letters, and that I'm been downright awful to you for the last couple of months. I know that you didn't tell me things for a reason, that you've always had a reason for everything you've ever done! I'm sorry for being a terrible daughter and snooping, and then being rude to you about it," She interrupted, the words falling from her lips in a hurried babble. She really did take after me in that regard; I also typically couldn't stop the words once I got started. She breathed deeply after finishing speaking, and I knew that it had been weighing on her chest for a while. Her eyes were shining with tears, and I reached out to wipe them away.
"Don't you even worry about that, sweetheart," I said kindly, pulling her towards me and wrapping my arm around her shoulders. "You never have to apologize to me for wanting to know about your past. It is your right to know where you come from, and to know about my past. I should have told you sooner, rather than keeping you in the dark and sending you here to wonder about it all on your own."
Hollyn was sniffing quietly and snuggled deeper in to my embrace. She didn't say anything for a moment, so I continued. "The box that I kept those letters in is a very special box, one that Sirius gave to me the day he proposed. Only a member of the Black family is able to open it."
Hollyn sat up slowly, leaning back in her chair so that she could see my face. I could see the weight of that statement hit her clearly. "But…if I could open it, doesn't that mean that I'm a Black?"
"Yes. I didn't know until you sent me that letter today. I had believed since you were born that there was no chance that you were Sirius's. Today, you made me remember things that I had forgotten. You made me remember memories that were taken away from me. You helped me remember that Sirius is an innocent man – he didn't betray Lily and James Potter. You helped me remember that on October 31st, 1981, I found out that Sirius and I were going to have a baby, and it was simultaneously one of the happiest and one of the saddest days of my life. That night, one of our friends betrayed Lily and James; he then managed to frame Sirius for doing it. I was the only one who knew the truth." I bit my lip at the slight lie, not wanting to indoctrinate Hollyn to my doubt of Dumbledore. She didn't need to know that it was entirely probable that her headmaster had willingly allowed her father to go to prison. "That next morning, a man from my past broke in to our home and obliviated me so I wouldn't remember that Sirius was innocent. This is the man that I believed to be your father for the last twelve years. But he's not – Sirius Black is."
Hollyn sat for a while; processing everything I had just told her. I don't know how I expected her to react – angry at me for not telling her, sad that her father had been in prison, confused by the fact that I had been attacked. When she spoke, her words took me entirely by surprise. "Are you okay, Mom?"
I looked at her, floored. After hearing news that would make any normal child feel betrayed, or shocked, or upset, her first instinct had been concern for me. I pulled her towards me again, kissing the top of her head and reveling in the fact that I had raised such an empathetic and caring kid. "Yeah, Holly girl, for the first time in a really long time, I am okay. Are you okay?"
"I will be," she said calmly, wrapping her small arms around my neck. "It feels…good finally knowing who my father is. I feel as though something here," she gestured vaguely towards her heart, "is finally full. As though there was a piece of me missing that was just found."
I nodded at her, smiling in reverence. "I know exactly how you feel." I sat with her in my arms, holding my daughter close to me and letting the weight of the moment sink in. It was a couple of minutes before I spoke again. "He's here, in the castle – and he would really love to meet you. It's completely up to you – if you aren't ready, then I'll tell him not tonight. I would love for you to get to know him, but we will do it at your pace."
"I want to meet him," she said immediately, her eyes lighting up. "I've waited my whole life to have a dad, and I think I want to start right away."
I nodded at her proudly, noting how mature she had grown right before my eyes. She had always been a calm and sensitive girl, but in the months since I had last seen her, it was obvious that she had grown tremendously. It was hard to believe that she was only eleven as she sat in front of me with the poise of a young lady.
I knew somehow that Sirius was waiting outside the door already. In the same way that I had known all of these years, subconsciously, that he was innocent, it was as if I could feel his aura permeating through the door itself. I walked over and pulled the door open, to see Sirius framed perfectly in the doorway. Minerva was behind him, and when I opened the door, she nodded at me before turning and walking away, a faint smile gracing her lips.
Sirius stood there, his mouth wide open, stock-still. He had showered since I had left him, and I finally saw the resemblance to my husband. He was still skinny, far too skinny, but he had regained some of the color in his cheeks with a hot shower and a hot meal. He was staring at Hollyn, his eyes taking in the clear similarities between their facial structures and their coloring. Hollyn, for her part, sat in her chair proudly, only giving away that she was nervous by subtly picking her nails – another trait she had inherited from Sirius.
"Hi," Sirius finally said, somewhat anticlimactically. "Hollyn, right?"
"Right. Sirius Black? Famous mass-murderer? Innocent mass-murderer?" She said, a slight bite to her tone that made Sirius chuckle.
"You weren't kidding when you said she can be feisty," Sirius said jokingly, looking at me. His eyes were shining with affection already, just like I knew they would be. I had always known Sirius would be a wonderful father, and I was beyond happy that he was finally getting the chance to prove me right.
"She is sitting right here," Hollyn clarified, picking up her tea and taking a hasty gulp. "So…you're my dad."
Sirius took a tentative step closer to her, before deciding he couldn't hold himself back and hurrying to occupy my empty seat. I walked over and hovered behind Hollyn's chair, letting my presence offer what little comfort I could. Hollyn met his eyes, her eyes clear and focused, grey eyes meeting grey eyes for the first time.
"I guess so, kid. Came as a shock to me, too. I only found out an hour ago that I even had a kid…and now…here you are." He gestured to her loosely, his gaze soft as he looked at her. "But I do want you to know that I am…thrilled to know that I'm a dad. And I hope you'll give me the chance to prove to you that I can be one."
Hollyn nodded at him. For the first time since he had entered the room, I saw her resolve wobble. Her chin was beginning to quiver and I knew that the tears were likely to come at any moment. "You promise that you want me?" She asked quietly, fearfully – reminding me that as mature as she was for her age, she was still just a little girl.
"Want you?" Sirius repeated in a kind voice. His own eyes were shining with tears that he was dutifully holding back. "Of course I want you. I love you, Hollyn, and I'm sorry that I haven't been here until now. But now that I'm here, I promise that I am going to make up for lost time."
With his words, Hollyn broke. She broke down in to gut wrenching tears, her gut rising and falling with the effort of her sobs. My first instinct was to reach down and embrace her, as I had done so many times before – when she had broken her wrist when she was nine, when Ginny had left for Hogwarts when she was ten, when Fred and George had told her that she was going to be sorted in to Slytherin this past summer, and countless times before that. But I was too late – Sirius had already gathered her in his arms, and was stroking her back in a circular motion. I realized that he was comforting her in the exact same way that I always did – rubbing her back and kissing the top of her head. At once, I recognized that I had always comforted Hollyn in the same way Sirius had always comforted me – without even realizing it, I had made sure Hollyn had felt Sirius's love, before he had even known she existed.
Watching the two loves of my life embrace as if they had known each other forever made my heart swell. Before I knew it, I was crying too. I held back, not willing to interrupt this moment of father-daughter bonding. It was 3AM by the time I realized what time it was, and I insisted that Hollyn go back to bed.
"But Mom, I want to come home with you now," she complained.
"You'll regret it if you don't finish out the rest of the term. Trust me, the week after exams are over are some of the best times you'll have at Hogwarts – don't waste them. I promise, Sirius and I will be there to pick you up from the train, and we'll spend the entire summer together."
"Do you promise?" She asked, not looking at me but at Sirius.
"I promise," he said evenly, reaching to pull her in to another tight embrace. "Now listen to your mother and go back to bed. But also, remember to feed the Giant Squid some broccoli for me." Hollyn nodded at the odd request, before giving me a quick hug and reluctantly leaving the room.
I waited for the door to close before turning to Sirius and saying, "The Giant Squid hates broccoli…"
"I know," he said gravely. "But I still hate that guy."
I shook my head at him, laughing at his stupid vendetta against the animal, but stopped laughing when he looked at me with a stern look on his face. "We still have a lot to talk about – Harry, in particular."
"I know," I said, nodding at him. "And you're not going to like it."
"I already don't like that Harry obviously did not grow up with Hollyn – he didn't even seem to know who you were when you came in to the shack."
"I fought for him, but every effort I made was blocked."
"By what?"
"Dumbledore," I said somberly, the anger I felt for the headmaster flaring again. It was about time the two of us had a serious conversation with Dumbledore about the damage he had done to our family. "And it's time that he own up to what he did."
