A/N: Takes place during the third season of Warehouse 13, after the episode "3...2...1". This is not a commercial for Oreo© cookies.


Schrödinger's Catnip

Myka Bering paused before she and Pete Lattimer entered the office for Warehouse 13. They had just stored the Joshua's Horn artifact in a safe area, and she could see the others were inside. "Thanks for being civil to Helena," she told Pete. The former Warehouse 12 agent had barely been stopped before she wrecked havoc on the world; held in some type of unknown prison, her consciousness was now either contained or projected via a spherical locking ball that projected a hologram of her image when needed. Her help had been instrumental in the solving of their last case - one that she herself had part in before the nineteenth century.

"I still don't trust her," Pete replied "but she did help us. Don't tell her I said so, but she's better at this than I am."

"Is it one of your vibes?"

"I don't know," he shrugged. "Part of me wants to have someone like that on our side, and another part can't help but think how she almost killed millions and millions of people."

"You're not just mad because she got the upper hand with her wiles the first time you met?"

"Nah - women always end up getting the upper hand with me. I'm just a sucker for women. Oh excuse me," he said as he took a stoic stance "I mean that I got a soft spot for the dames." He tipped his fedora and Myka had to laugh. They entered the office and Pete took off the hat that once belonged to agent Jack Secord and threw it six feet to a table lamp in the Warehouse 13 office. It landed on the top of the shade, but the force was just enough to tip the lamp over. With a dive he managed to snag the hat before it hit the floor; the ignored lamp broke on impact, shattering the bulb in the process. "I didn't want this bad boy to get dirty," he said as he carefully found an ad hoc protrusion from the wall and used it as a peg.

"But you broke the lamp," Myka countered.

"Yeah...but a lamp can be replaced. Do you know how hard it is to properly clean a vintage hat?"

"You'll see how expensive that replacement is when I take it out of your paycheck," Artie Nielson interjected. "It emitted just the right wavelengths of light to minimize eyestrain looking at the computer screens. Too much strain and you'll end up needing glasses."

"Not until I get old like you," Claudia Donovan said as she tapped at her keyboard.

"It was too late for me; the least I could do was try to save the children, however ungrateful they may be," he shot back good-naturedly.

Myka put her hands on her hips in mock disgust at being called a child. She really did respect Artie for his experience and knowledge - when he shared it, that was. "Speaking of children, it's about nap time I think."

"Thanks, but I'm good."

"I was talking about ME. If my dad is any example, the older you get the LESS sleep you need."

Artie leaned back, hand on chest. "Me? I sleep...sometimes."

"Maybe you should take up snoring so we can tell the difference," Claudia piled on.

"Just for that, no one gets these special Ororeoeo cookies Leena made." Artie picked up a covered plate and made a motion to take them away.

"Hey! I didn't say anything," Pete called out.

"Wait," Claudia called.

"What are Ororeoeo cookies?" Myka asked.

Artie smiled to himself and turned around. Pavlov had his bell - he had cookies. "Just a little something Leena experimented with. It's like an Oreo cookie, but in the shape of a ball, then another shell of cookie around that." He pulled the napkin off the plate and revealed the treats. "Filling, cookie, filling, cookie. Or the other way around depending on which way you look at it."

"Cool!" Pete exclaimed as he grabbed one and popped the whole thing into his mouth. "Oubuul thuff oh theroidth."

Myka translated for the group. "Double Stuf on steroids." She declined, but the others took a cookie and went about finding a more dignified way to eat them. She looked at her partner and snapped her fingers. "That reminds me - I have to go check on my ferret."

"You're going back to the B&B?" Pete asked, already having downed the first one. He snatched another cookie and added "I'll go with you."

"No, I'm not going anywhere. I've got him in a cage on the warehouse floor right now. He probably has some food left, but the water bottle is always dry if I wait too long." With a slight wave she left the office to make her way outside, closing the door behind her.

"When is Jinxsy supposed to get back?" Claudia asked. "Do we have to, like, save a cookie for him?"

Artie looked at the time. "He should be back anytime. But I know you guys; I put some aside for him in a safe location."

"Works for me," Pete said as he did a quick count. He rolled one to the side for Claudia, then asked her "Halfsies on the last one?"

"Split the atom, Rutherford."

"I didn't know President Hayes was a nuclear guy," Pete said as he got a sharp knife and cleanly cleaved the cookie.

"Nor did he win the Indianapolis 500," Artie said with a sigh. "The name HAS been associated with other people."

Before Pete could eat his last half, his grin turned to deadpan. "Uh oh."

"What?" they both asked.

"Something bad."

"Where?" Artie asked.

Pete closed his eyes, trying to focus. "Maybe...in the warehouse." He opened his eyes and started to make his way to the storage area of the world's dangerous artifacts, but when he opened the door he found Myka standing there with tears in her eyes. In her hands she held the cage that contained her ferret Pete; the animal lay on it's side, still, on the floor of the cage. Pete grabbed the cage and brought it in while Claudia went to Myka and Artie inspected the animal.

"What happened?" Claudia asked.

"I...don't know. I went down to check on him and...there he was. He isn't breathing, is he?" she asked. It was more of a statement than a question.

"No," Artie said while he straightened up "he isn't."

"Myka, I'm sorry," Pete said as he approached her with his arms out. She hugged him after a fashion, somewhat numbly. Claudia joined the pair and even Artie gingerly put his hand on her shoulder, his concern fighting against his natural hands-off tendency.

She was overcome briefly with emotion, but after a minute or two shook herself and drew in a big lungful of air with a sniff. "It's okay - it's not like a person died. Just something that relied on me to keep it alive. Do we have a...um...cemetery around here?"

"Not unless you count the Bronzing Room," Artie said after a moment. "Most of the time when agents die its...well..." he trailed off. Often there wasn't much left of the agent to bury, given the nature of some of the artifacts. He wandered off, lost in thought.

"Univille has a cemetery," Claudia said. "I've driven past it before."

"Or you can take it to your parents," Pete suggested. "They must have a place at their house for it. Maybe the B&B?" Claudia scrunched up her nose at the thought of that.

"Hello little fella - are you hungry?" a voice said. They turned and saw that Steve Jinx had entered and was crouched down beside the cage.

"Jinxsy, don't..." Claudia tried to warn him.

"He looks hungry to me, but I've never had a ferret before." Steve stood up, still looking down on the cage.

"How can you say that? Myka just brought him in and...uh..." Claudia stopped, confused. The ferret was moving around in the cage, perfectly normal.

"Pete!" Myka said as she rushed over and looked at her pet. She stuck her finger in the cage and the ferret rubbed up against it. She looked at Artie and flatly said "I thought you said he wasn't breathing."

"He..ah...wasn't. I mean, his chest wasn't moving. I didn't hook him up to monitor or anything. I'm not a vet - although I've seen enough ferrets to last me a lifetime."

"Just how many ferrets are we talking about, Artie?" Pete asked.

"Enough," Artie mouthed silently.

"Well, you scared me little guy," she told her furry friend as she was awash in relief. "I need to get you some fresh meat and then...eek!" she exclaimed as she bolted up.

"What's wrong?" Steve asked.

Claudia quickly explained "Myka had Pete there in a cage in the warehouse during the last mission. After she got back, she went down to check on him and thought he was dead. She brought it up here, Artie signed the death certificate and we were attending the wake when you came in and he's alive again. Other than that, nothing. Except it looks like...he's dead again."

Myka had to turn away again as she fought to control her emotions. "Artie, can you make SURE this time?" Pete asked.

"Let me see..." he said as he looked around for his traveling bag. He opened the bag wide and looked inside, digging around until he extracted an object - a microphone. It's cord had been chopped off, but it looked like one you'd see in front of someone speaking to an audience. He took the microphone and pointed it at the ferret.

"Will that thing pick up a heartbeat?" Steve asked.

"Something like that - this is McEntire's Mic; I guess she sang her 'Is there life out there?' song into it enough that it can detect if something is alive." He looked at an indicator on the bottom of it. "Sorry Myka, this time for sure. Maybe it was some latent nerve/muscle memory before that..." but he too stopped as the ferret started chittering and moving about.

"I saw it spark a little just when it started moving again," Claudia said. "Is it alive now?"

"Of course it's...well, at least I think it is..." Artie said as he pointed the microphone again. He checked the indicator and announced "Alive. Huh."

"I can't deal with this," Myka said, her back still turned.

"Is there an artifact that can make you live, dead, live, dead, rinse and repeat?" Claudia asked.

"No, we haven't got...wait...Myka, where did you have the cage?" Artie asked the agent. Myka turned around to answer.

"He's dead again," Steve noted.

"I think the cycles are speeding up," Artie suggested. When Myka winced, he added "Let's just not announce each cycle for now, okay?"

Myka went over to a monitor - intentionally not looking at the cage. Claudia had pulled up a map onscreen and Myka looked before pointing to a spot. "About there. I didn't want it anywhere near the ferret kennel."

"And you put it on the floor near the shelf, didn't you?"

"Yeah, it would be in the way if I put it in the middle of the aisle."

"That explains it then. Schrödinger."

"The cat guy? You've got Schrödinger's Cat in the warehouse?"

"Of course not; that would be cruel. But we do have the box he put the cat in for the experiment."

"It was just a thought experiment - it wasn't real," Myka said. Pete raised his hand and she went on to explain. "Erwin Schrödinger was a physicist. He created a philosophical thought experiment where a cat was put into a box with a contraption that might kill him, but could be thought of as dead and alive at the same time."

"Whoa, zombie cat," Pete said in a low voice.

"It isn't real. What am I saying? We have to assume everything is real here, don't we?"

"A lot of scientists experiment before they announce a theory - helps prevent embarrassing theories being put out," Artie mused. "But the box isn't really the problem; it's what is inside."

Pete felt for his Tesla to make sure he had it. "What's inside?"

"Schrödinger's Catnip. It's what he used to keep the cat interested long enough to set up the box and close it. It's bifurcated, but the catnip holds the big punch. It's weird - I wouldn't expect a ferret to be interested in catnip since they're carnivores. There must be something curious about..."

"Artie!" Myka called.

"Sorry. It must have been curious and maybe stuck it's nose out and touched the box too often; sort of like radiation poisoning, we removed it from the area but the effects are still present in the patient."

"What can we do?" Steve asked. He could see for himself that the cycles were getting shorter.

"If we don't stop it, the cycles will merge and it will create an undead zone for about three miles around. There's your zombies, Pete."

"I'm not volunteering to be one. How do we stop it?"

"We have to inject a small amount of neutralizer into it during a live cycle and it should cure it."

Myka looked at the quickening cycles. "And if we miss and inject him while he's...dead?"

"He'll stay that way," Artie said as he hurried over to a drawer and pulled it open. He pulled out a syringe and quickly filled it with neutralizer before bringing it back to the cage. The cycles were very fast now, less than a half second each. "I don't know if I can time it right."

"Give it to me," Pete said, snatching the instrument. "Video game reflexes; wish me luck." He bent down and counted to himself to get the pattern. The time intervals were a fraction of a second now, and with a quick movement he plunged the needle in and injected. There was a large spark from the cage and Pete - the agent - fell back on his butt.

Myka rushed over to the cage and looked. The ferret lay still for a moment, then started to twitch and stood up shakily. After a minute it was moving normally again and a collective sigh escaped from the group. "Thank you" she mouthed silently to her partner.

"Anytime," Pete said as he got up from the floor and rubbed his posterior. "I'm kinda numb where I landed; I think I got a zombie butt right now."

"Then you won't feel your wallet getting lighter after you pay for that lamp," Artie quipped before picking up the syringe and putting it away.

The End


A/N: Writer LaMaupin for this fandom wrote a story that references Schrödinger's Cat; the story mentions the artifact in passing in a conversation between Myka and Helena. Thinking about the artifact, the term "Schrödinger's Catnip" came to mind and then I just had to write something about it. I'm still only midway through the third season at the time of writing this, so apologies to any canon errors I may have committed.