August 5th, 1995
I laid in my bed for a while, staring up at the ceiling. I alternated between crying uncontrollably and laying there in complete silence. I glanced at the clock on my wall so often my neck started to crick. At 5AM, I couldn't take it anymore and I got out of bed. I pulled on Sirius's grey sweater, which he had left thrown over the back of the chair in the corner; I was always so angry with him for always leaving his stuff laying around, but the sight comforted me right now. I brought the sleeves up to my nose and inhaled – it still smelled like Sirius; musky, like leather. I used the bottom of the sleeve to wipe my tearing eyes, and then rolled the sleeves up so I could use my hands to open the door. I peeked out in the hallway; it was empty, just a few candles burning in old fashioned lamps lighting the way to the stairs. I creeped out and quietly made my way downstairs, flinching when I stepped on a particularly squeaky step. I went down three flights of stairs before sitting on to a step near the front hallway. I leaned on my knees, staring at the front door, wrapped up in a sweater that smelled so much like Sirius it was as if I was wrapped in his arms.
I cried steadily for a while, letting my eyes un-focus and staring unblinkingly at the front door. After what could have been hours, or could have been merely minutes, I was shook from my stupor by the squeak of a floorboard behind me. I turned around dazed, and saw Hollyn standing at the top of the flight of stairs, wrapped in a blanket so big that she looked like a walking burrito. Her eyes were round, and bloodshot; she clearly hadn't expected to see me sitting here.
"Couldn't sleep?" I said croakily, my voice cracking from the amount of crying I had done tonight. She shook her head quickly, still standing at the top of the stairs. I patted the step next to me, and she immediately rushed down the stairs towards me. She sat down, and I took one edge of the blanket and wrapped it around my own shoulders. We sat like that for a while, sitting next to each other, wrapped in the large green blanket.
I hated that I was sitting here with my daughter, anxiously hoping to hear news of Sirius's fate. It felt just like the old days, when he was gone too long on a mission and I would anxiously wait for him. It felt wrong, bringing Hollyn in to this; I never wanted her to be involved in the war, but it was out of my hands. We had to protect Harry, and Harry was always going to be in the center of the war; as long as Voldemort lived, Harry would be in danger. I just had to do my best to make sure Hollyn was prepared – more prepared than I had been last time. I hadn't been ready to lose Sirius, I hadn't been ready to raise a child alone, I hadn't been ready to fight. This time was different – I was different. I wanted to fight! But I also knew that I couldn't do it without Sirius again. Losing the love of your life once in a lifetime was enough; a second time would kill me. I would have to press forward, for Harry, Hollyn and Spud's sake – but inside I would be dead. That's no way to live life. That's not how I wanted to live.
I deserved happiness. Sirius deserved happiness. We had both suffered enough, lost enough. He deserved to see his child be born; he deserved to be there for their first steps, their first words, the first time they fell down and cried because they skinned their knee. Sirius deserved to be there when Hollyn got married, when Harry graduated Hogwarts, when our baby was sorted. Hollyn deserved a father after all of these years without one; Harry didn't deserve to lose the only father figure he has ever had. We all deserved a break, damn it. It wasn't fair that once again, we were sitting here worried, crying, anxious. It wasn't fair that Hollyn had to spend her night crying for her father. It wasn't fair that we were all in this situation.
It was Voldemort's fault. Without him, there would be no war. Without him, Lily and James would be here, having raised Harry; they would have given him brothers and sisters, and spoiled the whole lot. Harry wouldn't have had to grow up with the fucking Dursleys. Without him, Hollyn would have known her father from the beginning. I would have had thirteen more years with my husband. Molly would have her brothers and her son wouldn't be acting like a giant prick. Without Voldemort, Marlene would be alive – married to Robert Boot with a brood of children of her own. Mary wouldn't have stuck her head in the sand and broken all contact with us. Peter wouldn't have betrayed his friends. It all came down to Him at the end.
My sadness turned to anger so quickly it even took me by surprise. I hated this fucking war, I hated Voldemort, and I hated that I didn't know where the fuck my husband was, or if he was even alive. It was torture, waiting here, not knowing. Hollyn put her head down on my shoulder, bringing me down off of my anger high instantly. I put my arm around her shoulders, and let her cry on to my sweater; I don't know if she actually knew she was still crying or if it was just sort of happening now.
The sun was just rising, although it was hard to tell from inside the dreary house. I could just see through the frosted windows on the front door that light was starting to filter in, when it opened. Light flooded the hallway, and I squinted, the light hurting my tired eyes. Once they had adjusted, I opened them. Sirius was standing there, his face cut up and sporting a huge black eye. His shirt was torn, and I could see the beginnings of a huge bruise spanning the length of his chest – it looked like at least one of his ribs was broken. He was holding his arm at an angle, his wrist was swollen to the size of an apple; he must have broken that as well. The rest of his body was covered in various burns, cuts and bruises, leaving barely one uninjured inch of skin that I could see.
I stood up shakily, untangling myself from the blanket I was wrapped in. Hollyn, however, had stood first.
"Dad!" She exclaimed. She launched herself off the stairs and in to Sirius's arms. He caught her with a grunt of pain, but didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around her shaking body tightly. Hollyn was sobbing in to his chest, and although I knew how much pain he was in, Sirius leaned down to rest his chin on the top of her head, kissing her hair tenderly.
"I'm right here, sweetheart," he said in a raspy voice. "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. Not ever." He kissed the top of her head again, rubbing her back as she continued to cry.
"I was so worried, Dad," she said through broken sobs. "I was so worried that I'd never get to tell you –" Her sobs intensified and she broke off before finishing her thought.
"Tell me what?" Sirius asked gently. He lifted her head to wipe the tears off of her face, and then kept his hand on her cheek so that she was forced to look up at him. "You can tell me, Hollyn."
Hollyn tried to stem her sobs, but it took a minute. After she managed to calm down, she looked up at Sirius, her grey eyes watery and somehow brighter than normal. "That I love you, and I'm happy you're my Dad."
I felt my throat tightening at her words, especially after seeing how emotional Sirius had become. It was the first time Hollyn had ever told Sirius that she loved him, the first time she had called him Dad on purpose. I guess realizing she might never get to see him again had made her realize how she felt. I grinned and brought my shaking hands up to cover my mouth, my own eyes tearing as Sirius brought her back towards his chest in a tight hug.
"I love you too, Hollyn," Sirius said thickly. "I love you so much. I'm sorry for worrying you."
"You're okay, right?" She said, looking up at him.
"I'll be right as rain once your Mama calls Grandpa for me," Sirius chuckled, looking over Hollyn's head at me.
Once his eyes met mine, I couldn't stop myself and I flung myself at him, although more gently than Hollyn had. Sirius wrapped one of his arms around me, brining me in to our family hug. He kissed my forehead gently, and I gave myself a minute to enjoy this reunion with my husband and daughter. I broke away, wiping my eyes. "Hollyn, why don't you go wake up Harry? He'll want to know Sirius is okay."
Hollyn went happily, the weight off her shoulders now that she knew Sirius was alive and home. I waited until her footsteps faded, and then I turned back to Sirius and kissed him soundly. Sirius deepened the kiss.
"Don't," I said, kissing him again. "You." I pecked his lips again. "Ever." Again. "Do that to me again," I finished, kissing him again deeply.
"I'm sorry love," he said sheepishly.
"Don't apologize," I sighed. "You didn't do anything."
"But I am sorry it took me so long to get back to you," he said.
"What happened?" I asked, but before he could answer, Harry, Hollyn, Ron, Ginny and Hermione were storming back downstairs.
"Sirius!" Harry called with a grin. He looked like he wanted to tackle Sirius, but after seeing the state he was in, settled for coming nearer and clapping him gently on the back. Hermione, Ron and Ginny all started chattering happily, asking him where he had been, and what had happened.
With a loud pop that set Mrs. Black's painting off, Fred and George apparated right in to the middle of the entrance hall. I groaned, knowing that the screaming would wake up Molly, Arthur and Remus – something I had been trying to avoid since we had all gotten to bed so late.
"Sirius!" They called together, rushing over and clapping him enthusiastically on the back; Sirius flinched and the boys finally took notice to his appearance. "Merlin, you look terrible. We've got something for that black eye, if you want."
Sirius thought for a second and then shrugged. "Certainly can't look any worse than it already does."
Fred dug in to his pocket and pulled out a jar full of a thick yellow paste. He slathered it on Sirius's eye and made to spread it on his bruised chest, but I grabbed Fred's hand.
"He's got a broken rib, you'll just hurt him. I'm going to firecall my Dad to come have a look in a moment," I said. Fred grimaced and closed the jar up.
"Sorry, mate. But the good news is, your eye should be all healed in an hour or less!" Fred said.
"Invented it ourself! Don't tell mum, though. We told her we threw away all of our inventions when we moved in," George said in a whisper.
"Tell me what, George Weasley?" Molly said suddenly from the top of the stairs. She had thrown an overcoat over her pajamas, and was standing with her hands on her hips, looking disapprovingly at George.
"How did you bloody hear that, woman?" Fred asked in a lofty tone.
"Answer the question Fred," Molly said more sternly. I only just realized that Mrs. Black had stopped screaming; Arthur came down the stairs, having just finished closing the curtain over her portrait. Remus was trailing closely behind, and he interrupted Molly before she could start screaming.
"Sirius!" Remus exclaimed; his eyes wide.
Molly's eyes snapped to Sirius, who she had somehow overlooked in favor of her sons' misbehavior. "Merlin, Sirius!" She came rushing down the stairs towards him, grabbing him by the shoulders and examining his face.
"Oh goodness, you're all beat up," she gushed, examining his face, and the yellow paste that George had just spread on it.
"Merlin, woman, don't wrangle him around, he's already been through the ringer," George said playfully. Molly waived her hand at him, touching the paste gingerly.
"What is this?" She asked, examining her finger.
Sirius shot Remus a look, and he caught on immediately. Clearing his throat gruffly, he said, "Breakfast, anyone? Since we're all up."
"Oh, yes, of course!" Molly said, backing away from Sirius and turning back towards the kitchen. "Everyone downstairs. I'll whip up some pancakes and sausages."
Sirius winked at Fred and George, who looked appreciative that he had distracted their mother successfully, and then followed Molly downstairs. I pushed Hollyn in front of me, guiding her downstairs. Ginny came up next to me and made her way downstairs happily, smiling at me brightly as she passed. I followed her down and walked over to the fireplace. I grabbed a pinch of floo powder and threw it on to the flames. The flames turned green; I put my head in to the flames, and called "Chateau".
After a moment of swirling through the grates, I opened my eyes in the kitchen of my childhood home. As I had hoped, my Dad was sitting at the kitchen table, drinking a cup of coffee and reading the Daily Prophet. He'd heard the pop of the fireplace coming to life, as he was looking at me expectantly over the top of the paper.
"Hello darling," he said calmly, folding the paper and putting it down on the table. "Everything alright?"
"Sirius was injured. Broken ribs, I think. Can you come to headquarters and take a look?"
"Of course. I'll be right there," he said, standing up. I nodded and backed out of the fireplace, leaving it open for him to floo in. He came through the grate just a moment later, brushing the dust off his robes.
"Morning all!" he said brightly upon seeing the full kitchen.
"Morning, Grandpa," Hollyn said, digging in to the plate of pancakes Molly had just placed in front of her enthusiastically. It was good to see her eating, since she hadn't had anything to eat last night.
"Morning, Harold," Sirius said. Dad walked over and examined his ribs briefly, touching his side gently to judge the bones.
"Two broken ribs," he concluded. "Scrapes I can fix up as well, but that bruise is going to linger for a while."
"No problem," Sirius said offhandedly. My Dad dug in to his bag for a pain potion, handing it to Sirius who chugged it obediently.
"Ready?" Dad said. Sirius nodded, reaching out to grab my hand. I took it, knowing fixing the broken bones would be extremely painful for a second. Dad waved his wand and Sirius closed his eyes; the only indication he gave that it was painful was his grip on my hand. Dad finished fixing Sirius up, managing to make most of his cuts look as if they were several days old. By the time he was done, Sirius looked so much better.
"Thanks, Harold," Sirius said gratefully, moving around stiffly to check his ribs. "That's loads better, honestly."
"So, what happened?" Dad asked, looking around for Harry. "I thought you were just moving Harry last night."
"We did," I said.
"Hello, Mr. Jones," Harry said awkwardly, peering around Hermione's bushy hair.
"Oh!" Dad said, having finally seen him. "Hello, son."
"I'd also like to know what happened," Remus said calmly after shaking my Dad's hand.
"Oh, thank Merlin," I exclaimed, sitting down next to Sirius. "I've been bursting to ask," I admitted. "Although someone should probably get an owl to Dumbledore."
"I'll do it," Arthur said, finishing his sausage and wiping his mouth with a napkin. "I have to be getting off to work anyways."
"Oh, Moody already went to let Dumbledore know. We split up early this morning and he was going to a safe house to lay low for a little bit before getting a message to Dumbledore."
"Right," Arthur said. "I've still got to get going." He kissed Molly on the cheek, before saying goodbye to his children. "Sirius, mate – really glad to see you're okay. You gave us all a fright."
With a final glance, he left the kitchen in a hurry. Molly sighed as she watched him go. I knew the feeling – anytime anyone left the house, I worried about them until they came home. "We can fill in Dumbledore after," Remus said. "What happened?"
Sirius took a deep drink of pumpkin juice before beginning. He looked around the table darkly, evidently trying to decide how much he wanted to disclose in front of the children. "I was hit by a stunner. Fell off my broom. I fell for a really really long time before someone – one of the Aurors – realized I was falling. They slowed my descent, but I still hit the ground pretty hard; that's when I broke my ribs, I think. Lucky I didn't break my spine though." I nodded, thankful that someone had slowed his fall. He wouldn't have survived otherwise.
"Thank Merlin," Molly gasped, putting her hand on Ginny's shoulder.
"Once I was on the ground, there was a group of Aurors waiting for me – just two or three. Two young ones I don't even know and Martins, that prick from the Triwizard tournament. They kept screaming at me, throwing spells at me. They seem to think we were running Harry out of the country?" He said this last bit as a question, looking around the table.
"That doesn't make any sense," Harry said, his brow furrowed. "Why would you do that?"
"To avoid your hearing," Remus supplied.
"Why would I run? I'm innocent!" Harry said in outrage.
"We know that, and they likely know that. But they're trying to make you look suspicious," I said. Harry leaned back in a huff, looking to Sirius to continue his story.
"So, they were throwing spells at me, I was dodging trying to figure out what the hell was happening when Moody joined us, so it was two on two. Things escalated, and they were obviously no longer aiming to capture, but to kill. I don't know who issued that order, since I have certainly not been briefed on that," he paused, looking around the table again. After a lengthy pause, he said, "I killed Martins."
"Ugh," I groaned, putting my head in my hands. "That's not going to be good."
"No, it's not. Moody managed to stun the other two, and we ran for it. Split off after a bit like I said, so I shifted in to padfoot, and ran for a while to lose anyone who was following me – then I apparated here once I was sure the coast was clear," he finished. The kitchen door opened, and Bill came downstairs. He must have been on guard last night and just gotten off his rounds.
"Morning, all," he said, looking down at the paper in his hands. "Sirius, mate, looks like you're a wanted man again." He laid the paper down on the table, and I snatched it up greedily.
Sirius's mugshot was center page, with the headline "SIRIUS BLACK STRIKES AGAIN!" I read the article out lout to everyone, ignoring their outraged gasps of shock and indignation. They were trying to paint Sirius as a deranged psycho, who snapped and started wildly attacking his coworkers. Harry wasn't mentioned – likely because they hadn't written about his attack, and if they did, they would have to admit that Dementors had been in Little Whinging in the first place, which obviously they weren't going to do. Once I finished reading, I looked around the room to a sea of dumbstruck faces.
"I mean, obviously that's a load of codswollop," Bill said finally. "What actually happened?" Sirius recounted his tale quickly, filling Bill in. Bill sat down sighing, rubbing his exhausted eyes. "There's no use trying to fight it. They have two eyewitnesses that saw you kill him; those two Aurors made it back to the Ministry last night – I heard them talking about it in the atrium."
"What were you doing at the Ministry?" Ron said quickly, looking at Bill suspiciously.
"None of your business," Bill said firmly, not breaking eye contact with Ron. Ron looked away first, embarrassed.
"But what does this mean for you Dad?" Hollyn asked, biting her lip anxiously.
Although Sirius was obviously shaken up, he still managed to smile at Hollyn calling him Dad, again. "I'll have to lay low for a while here – not leave the house. Maybe Dumbledore can sort it out, maybe not. But they're going to try to charge me with murder, and if there's anything I can tell you for certain…it's that I will never step foot in Azkaban again."
I rubbed his shoulder. "No, you won't. The house is protected. You'll just stay here and everything will be fine."
"Can't be any worse than my summers spent here with my mother!" He said, lifting his glass mockingly to cheers in the direction of his mother's portrait, several floors above. We all chuckled, happy to have the tension broken a little bit, and finished our breakfast. If everyone else was feeling the same way that I was…we were all just happy to be together for now, regardless of the circumstances.
Dad left after breakfast, promising to let Lewis and Ellie know what had happened. I thanked him for coming, and he hugged me tightly. He kissed Hollyn goodbye, shook Sirius and Harry's hands and waved goodbye to everyone else. Molly sent the kids upstairs to deal with a pixie problem in the drawing room. She bustled off behind them to help, and Sirius, Remus, Bill and I sat in the kitchen for a while longer enjoying hot cups of tea.
"You scared Addie senseless, Pads," Remus said finally. "Her and Hollyn were right messes last night."
"Shut up, Moony," I said halfheartedly. The restless night was catching up to me now, and I realized now that the adrenaline of Sirius coming home had worn off just how tired I really was.
"No, really," Remus continued. "A right mess.
"I am pregnant, you know!" I protested. "You were upset too."
"Aww," Sirius crooned. "Moony, I'm touched." He put his hand over his heart and winked at Moony. Bill had picked up the paper again at our bickering and was reading quietly.
"Nothing," he said, slamming the paper down. "Nothing about Harry at all."
"That's good, though. They know they don't have a case against him," Remus said. Remus and Bill started chatting about what the Ministry's plan was, but I tuned them out when I felt Sirius lean close to my ear.
"Let's go upstairs, kitten," he whispered. "Lay down. I'm knackered."
I nodded, and we stood up, leaving the two men chatting at the table. We made our way upstairs, tiptoeing past the drawing room so we wouldn't get roped in to helping with the pixies, and finally entered our bedroom. We flopped down on the bed immediately, both overcome with exhaustion.
Sirius ended up in my arms, his head on my chest as I ran my fingers through his hair. I kissed the crown of his head tenderly, beyond grateful that he was here with me right now. After a while, Sirius's shoulders started shaking; he was crying.
I let him cry for a while, whispering tenderly to him that everything would be alright. Sirius had killed before – it was a part of the job. It always affected him, every time, no matter the circumstances. I had always let him tell me how he was feeling on his own time, when he felt like it. I knew that he processed his emotions in his own way, and I just had to comfort him as he did so.
Eventually he started talking. About how awful it is to see the light leave someone's eyes, and know that you are the reason for it. About how the guilt would follow him forever. About how he never wanted his daughter or Harry to know that he was, in fact, a murderer. How he never wanted Spud to know what his father was.
"You know that it was in self-defense – no one blames you. They attacked us first. They knocked you off your broom. They started aiming to kill first. You had to defend yourself; and I guarantee you that Hollyn is happier having you here, as you are, than cold in the ground. I am as well. We all do bad things, Sirius, but it is the intent behind our actions that count, not the actions themselves."
"I don't know how you always manage to make me feel better," Sirius said in amazement.
"Snape once told me it would take a saint to love you, so I guess I'm a saint," I joked, shrugging my shoulder.
Sirius looked at me much more seriously than I thought my comment warranted. "You really are a saint, aren't you?"
I said nothing, but leaned down and kissed him. We settled back on the pillow, his hand on my stomach protectively, and let the alluring pull of sleep take us under.
