Chapter 20

Therapy appointment day continued I usually keep chapters short, but this will be a long one. There will mention of sexual assault in case you don't like that sort of thing. Hope you like it. Part 2

Olivia pulled into the parking lot for the appointment. The ride was quiet, although she tried to make conversation to lighten the mood. "We're about 15 minutes early, but we should go ahead in. What do you think?" Amanda opened the door. She was like a small pouting child, dragging her feet into the office. "Hi I'm Olivia Benson and this is Amanda Rollins and we're here to see Dr. Hanover for 4:30." They took a seat on the couch and Amanda had her arms folded. "At least the couch is comfy. Hey come on Amanda don't act like this ok. Your body language is not appropriate. We said we would try, so let's do it the right way." Amanda sat up straight and just then the door opened. "Good afternoon, I'm Dr. Hanover or you can call me Alexis, whatever makes you comfortable, I'm not picky." Olivia put her hand out, "I'm Olivia and this is Amanda." Dr. Hanover shook both of their hands, "Nice to meet you both, come on in my office. The office wasn't big, but it had a variety of furniture. She had a desk, 3 chairs, and a long u shaped couch. On the other side of the room was a two way mirror that led to another room. Amanda walked to the mirror and said "What's this to see how crazy someone behaves, so you can lock them in a hospital?" Olivia's mouth flew open, "Amanda!" Dr. Hanover laughed, "No. sometimes I work with a local college and with a client's permission they may observe what questions I ask, how I ask questions, stuff like that. I am going to use that room today with you and Olivia, but it will just be a waiting room. I promise."

Dr. Hanover explained that she wanted to talk to each of them one at a time, then together at the end. Then they could decide if this was something they wanted to continue to work on. "So who wants to talk to me first? I promise I don't bite." Amanda immediately pointed to Olivia, "She can go." Dr. Hanover showed Amanda to the other room. "You can wait here, there's a tv, snacks, drinks, help yourself." She closed the door and walked to the chairs where Olivia chose to sit. "So, Melinda told me that Amanda has some trauma, but explained you would need to fill in details. How about you tell me about yourself first." Olivia shifted in the chair, "Well I'm an SVU detective." Dr. Hanover began jotting notes down in her blue notebook. "I only met Amanda a couple of weeks ago. She was a cocky little thing working in a coffee shop and she was flirting with me big time. She was sweet, gave my partner and I coffee ahead of the line. All I saw was how young she was. I met her again when…" Dr. Hanover stopped writing, "Olivia, I asked about you, we'll get to Amanda, what you think, how you feel. It will help me though if I know about your life, so I can help you, help her." Olivia suddenly realized why Amanda didn't want to come. She didn't want her life on display for some stranger to piece together her life's problems and mistakes. "Oh well, my life is a pretty short story. I was born to a single mother, who drank a lot, we fought a lot, and her alcohol abuse killed her. I guess I've thrown my life into my work. My unit and friends are my family. Amanda was added a couple of weeks ago." Dr. Hanover stopped writing again, "You said your mom was single, do you know your father?" Olivia took a deep breath, "I'm sorry, but how is all of this supposed to help Amanda? I mean it feels like you're shrinking me." Dr. Hanover started clicking her pen nervously. Olivia huffed, "Let me guess my best friend filled you in more about me than Amanda." Dr. Hanover sat up from the back of the chair, "I'm sorry this is totally unprofessional, but I know a lot about you already. Your best friend loves you and she looks up to you. She describes you as the strongest person she knows. Everything you've overcome. I just wanted to hear it from you, because I see you want to help Amanda. I honestly wanted to see if you could do what you're asking her to do. It's difficult right. You know when Melinda came to me and asked me to see Amanda, I wanted to know if that's what Amanda wanted or needed right now. You can't push people to talk. And I want to make something clear, I didn't want to take this case. Five minutes of meeting her, I don't think she's ready. It took Melinda years and you can't tell me about your father." Olivia felt embarrassed. She was pushing Amanda and wasn't listening to her needs, she was thinking of her own. Amanda said she didn't want to come. "I'm sorry and you're right. Truthfully we have feelings for each other and it scares me. I've only known her 2 weeks and in that time I've seen her bruised, beaten, and hurt most of it. I watch her having nightmares and I don't know how to help her." Dr. Hanover jotted something down, "Maybe what you are doing is helping already. Olivia this isn't going to be easy, quick, or a one time meeting and she's good. Seeing me isn't going to stop her nightmares, it's probably going to trigger them. I'm sure as an SVU detective you know that." Olivia felt bad she pushed her and tears started to fall. Dr. Hanover handed her a tissue, "Talking to you has told me something, I know you care about her and will stand by her to pick up the pieces, when I asked about you, you only told me about her. Let me see what I can get from her today, but I'm not pushing her today and I won't make her come back, it's up to her."

Olivia dried her eyes and switched places with Amanda. Dr. Hanover watched their exchange. "Hey I'm right here ok, if you want me to stay, come in here with you, if you want to stop and go home you tell me." Amanda hugged Olivia, "I want to try." Amanda went into the office closing the door. She walked in and sat on the u shaped couch. "Can I sit next to you Amanda?" Amanda shook her head yes. "So tell me about yourself." Amanda took a deep breath, "Well I'm from Georgia and my dad still lives there, I guess. My mom and younger sister live here in New York, which is why I ended up coming here, but we didn't get along." Dr. Hanover asked, "How do you get along with your dad?" Amanda said matter of factly, "I don't, to be honest, I don't really know him. He gambles, drinks, and does drugs. He's not really the parent type. My mom used to be, but I guess it was too much. All she does is drink and screw men. Oh and use me for money to support her fucking bad habits. Look if you want to know about me, here it is, I take care of myself, pretty much always have, until Liv I've only depended on myself." Dr. Hanover tilted her head, "That had to be tough. What about your sister?" Amanda shrugged her shoulders, "Easy, she hates me and before you ask, I don't know why." Dr. Hanover stopped writing, she was deciding if she should just rip the bandaid off. Amanda was smart, she knew all these questions were just feeling her out, but she was playing the game with the good doctor. The anger was just confirmation that she was hiding something big. "So why did you come to New York, why not stay in Georgia? What happened to make you leave everything you've known to be with people who don't care, use you, and hate you? I mean if you were on your own anyway, what's the point" Amanda smirked, this was a chess game and she was losing. She was walking into every question. "I quit school, messed up my life, and tried working to live. I had to pay bills, no way I was giving up my savings making payments on a house I couldn't afford. I shared an apartment with a girl in college a little while, but that didn't work out, so I came here." Dr. Hanover told Olivia she wouldn't push Amanda, but Amanda was talking. From what Melinda and Olivia told her, she wasn't a talker. Maybe she wanted to say it and the doctor did something she never did before. "So do you want to talk about how the bruises got on your thighs." Amanda's face looked like a block of ice. Dr. Hanover observed her closely. This is why she didn't want to do this. She couldn't believe she asked that so bluntly, that way. This was it, she was either going to spill her guts or lose Amanda. The doctor searched those blue eyes for anything she could find. She waited two minutes before she finally heard "I do but, not without Liv in here with me. She's the one who loves me and has taken care of me. I can't just tell you first, she should hear it, but I don't want to tell her alone. I don't want her to look at me differently, she already thinks I'm broken." Dr. Hanover put her notebook down, "I don't think she will, she wants to help. How about I go get her and she joins us." The doctor went to get up, but Amanda stopped her, "Before you do, I need to ask you something." Dr. Hanover sat back down. "I like Olivia. Like really like her, you know physically like her. The first time I saw her I had all these feelings. I didn't even know I liked, you know girls. She's way more experienced than me and the age thing, well it's an issue. I want her and want to be with her, but I'm scared. I think she wants to know what happened to me before she touches me and what if I tell her and she never wants to touch me because of it? I can't lose her because of this." Dr. Hanover slid closer and grabbed Amanda's hand. "I don't think you have anything to worry about." The doctor stood up to go get Olivia. "Think, but you don't know." Amanda said just above a whisper. Dr. Hanover turned back, "Amanda, ask yourself this question. Has Olivia done anything in two weeks to hurt you or abandon you?" Amanda shook her head no, "Then, it won't start now. If anything this will make things stronger between you. Trust me."

Dr. Hanover went to the door to get Olivia. "Olivia, will you join us in here please." Amanda appreciated that she didn't speak to Olivia in private and was going to talk openly with both of them. Olivia sat next to Amanda and immediately wrapped her up in a big hug. Dr. Hanover loved it. Olivia didn't know anything that happened. She didn't know how much Amanda shared or what she said and she didn't care. That hug was a thank you for trying, facing her fears, and being brave. The doctor started "I think I have a good idea of where we are and how both of you feel. It's nice to see the bond you have in a short amount of time. Olivia, Amanda has something she wants to share and she didn't want me to hear it alone, because she has so much respect for you. Amanda we're both here for you for whatever you want to share. We will both be here to support you after as well. It's not going to be easy, but eventually it will get better. We won't interrupt, we're here to listen." Amanda started, "Everything that happened is my fault. No, my parents weren't there but it was all me, my decisions. I left my parents house and started living with my high school friends. I was bouncing from house to house, until I couldn't anymore. I quit school and decided I would just work. I found an apartment with a college student who I didn't know, but it was cheap and it was a roof over my head. Her name was Kat, she wasn't a bad person. She partied a lot with friends at the apartment, but with me working I didn't really care. Sometimes, I even joined them not for anything crazy just to hang out. I don't drink or do drugs, guess I can think my dad for something. One night I came home and she was on the couch with 3 guys. I actually knew one of them from my school. His name was Dominick, but we always called him Sonny. When I saw him, I wondered what happened, he was smart like me in AP classes. I almost didn't recognize him. They had been drinking and I smelled weed. I didn't even think about anything, it wasn't that unusual, I dropped my bag on the kitchen counter and just went in my room to sleep. The next thing I remembered, I was being pulled out of bed. I hit the floor hard and I couldn't scream because a hand was covering my mouth. They ripped my clothes so hard I felt their nail scratching my skin. Two of them held my legs open, that's were the bruises came from. Sonny climbed on top of me, spit in his hand, and rubbed it all over my entrance. I could see it was him from the night light through the open blinds I forgot to shut. I felt him on me and I begged him not to do it. I told him I was a virgin and begged over and over. I thought he was going to it and then he stopped. He pushed the other guys off and said leave the bitch, the other one is knocked out let's triple play her instead. They left, I locked my door, blocked it with a chair, and looked for my phone. That's when I realized it was out there with them. I heard Kat screaming and all I did was hide in the closet. Why didn't I help her?" Amanda started crying, really crying, she grabbed Olivia and cried in her arms like a baby. Dr. Hanover watched as Olivia cradled her in her lap and held her. Olivia could feel the wetness on her shirt, but she didn't want her to stop. Olivia just kept telling her she was sorry that happened, it wasn't her fault, and that they would be okay. Dr. Hanover now saw this for what it was, yes Amanda was assaulted, at any level it's wrong, but Amanda was carrying the guilt for her roommate.