Chapter 21

Therapy appointment day continued. There will mention of sexual assault in case you don't like that sort of thing. Hope you like it. Part 3

When Amanda stopped crying, Dr. Hanover said "it's not your fault, none of it. You weren't going to stop them. They were only going to hurt you too. You know that Amanda. You can't carry that around. They weren't your friends, they were hers, she invited them there. As much as you may have wanted to protect her, that wasn't your responsibility." Dr. Hanover knew that she didn't want Amanda to go home upset, but she knew even more they had a lot of work to do. Olivia held Amanda tight, "Baby there was nothing you could do. You without a phone, would be like me without my gun. I'm a police officer and I wouldn't have gone out there until they left. You had to protect yourself and I'm glad you did, because you're here safe with me. Amanda something bad happened to you and it could have been worse if you had gone out there. I'm so sorry for your friend but you did what you could and you were hurt yourself." Amanda sat up having calmed down "I heard them leave the apartment. I went out and found Kat crying and bleeding. Liv, I've never seen anything like that. I was bleeding, had bruises on my legs, and all over my body, but she...she… Liv I see it in my nightmares. She had no clothes and blood was coming down her legs. I begged her to let me call the ambulance, but she wouldn't go. They were brutal Liv." Dr. Hanover stepped in, "Amanda you've been carrying this too long already. Honey you couldn't help her, you were injured in the attack, and in reality she couldn't be helped. How did you leave off with her?" Amanda thought about the last conversation she had with Kat. "She told me to become something and keep in touch." Dr. Hanover reached for one hand while Olivia held the other, "Well that tells me that she doesn't blame you either. It's okay to feel bad about what happened to her, because you have a good heart. We need to move on from that guilt and deal with the actual trauma that happened to you. Amanda you said you see it in your nightmares. I want you to be specific, what do you see in your nightmares?" Amanda looked down, "sometimes I hear her screaming, sometimes I see her hurt, and sometimes it's what they did to me. But I wasn't raped, it was close and they touched in places I didn't want but I should be glad right? It could have…" Olivia spoke up, "No Amanda you can't think like that. They did something you didn't want, it doesn't matter who got what worse. Neither one of you deserved that. Do you hear me?"

The session went way longer than any of them expected. Dr. Hanover didn't want Amanda leaving without debriefing about the situation. She was worried about triggers. They made a standing weekly appointment, they agreed Olivia would bring her and stay if Amanda needed her, but Amanda would try to work one on one with Dr. Hanover. "Amanda is it ok if I talk to Olivia real quick?" Amanda said "Sure about me right?" Dr. Hanover refused to lie to her, "Yeah but nothing major, sometimes after people talk about what happened to them they get scared. I want to give her my card with my phone number and a pamphlet you guys can look at." Olivia had an idea, "Amanda why don't you go get the car and drive up to door and pick me up. Be careful!" Dr. Hanover pulled Olivia to the side, "Watch her over the weekend and here is my personal number if you need me. Triggers look different. It could be crying for no reason, fear, panic attacks, nausea, anger, or anything." Olivia shook her head and agreed. "I feel better that she has you, because I know you understand what you are looking for working in SVU. I do want to ask you, she mentioned that she likes you in a physical way. How is she with affection with you. She didn't come out and use the word sex, but I could tell that something was on her mind." Olivia looked and saw Amanda pulling up, "We have had a couple of moments. I think she's interested and terrified at the same time. I think slower is better." Dr. Hanover gave Olivia a hug, "Moving slow is definitely a good idea, but don't treat her any differently, because she will catch on. If she's good with affection keep giving it to her. I'm glad she's in good hands. See you next week."

Olivia headed to the car, "Okay let's switch." Amanda got out, "I thought I could drive home." Olivia laughed, "You are not ready for the city driving, maybe eventually. How do you feel?" Amanda laid her head back, "Liv I'm going to be honest because I know that's what you want from me. I wish I could tell that I was fine, but I'm not. It was a lot to talk about at one time Liv." Olivia said, "You did good baby and I'm so proud of you. I always want you to be honest. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear. Promise always to tell me the truth." Amanda looked at Olivia, "I promise. Liv I told the doctor that I was scared to tell you what happened to me, because I thought you wouldn't touch me if you knew. I mean what if you touch me and I freak out…" Olivia pulled over, "Hey look at me! Me knowing the truth helps me. I know you and I know when you're feeling something and not feeling something. Don't be terrified or scared of me, besides you told me I was really good at kissing, imagine how good I am at the other stuff." Amanda turned bright red and smiled a wide grin. "I love that I can leave you speechless." Olivia said with a wink.