Ellie's beginning to avoid him.
It isn't obvious, at least not at first. Crosshairs has stayed with the family for almost a month now and his presence has become a normality among them. It's not unusual for him to walk into the house in holoform, or take a drive by himself when he needs it, or even join them for dinner every now and then when it's discovered that he can eat and drink.
But Crosshairs has a keen optic. Always has. It doesn't escape his attention when Ellie shifts away whenever he gets close, or busies herself more so that he's not inclined to bother her, or simply refuses to keep eye contact more than what's necessary. It seems that ever since that night, Ellie's developed a fear that wasn't there before.
Or was it? Has she always been this afraid of him and he's just never truly noticed? He doesn't think so, not when she hadn't called as soon as he dropped into her property, not when she'd come up to him before with seemingly no fear, not when she'd willingly reached out and hugged him, when he mourned for Bluestreak. It doesn't make sense. He terrifies her and he can't figure out why.
The kids have become the opposite, however. Almost everyday they're either in the garage talking to him or he's in the house with the two of them always at his sides, asking him questions about his kind and what he can do. Old Crosshairs might have been annoyed. No, he definitely would have been annoyed. But now he welcomes the interaction without a second thought. Maddie and Charlie retain a sweet innocence and curiosity that painfully and yet sparkwarmingly reminds him of Bluestreak.
He watches Charlie and Maddie play with some Legos. They're in the living room, his holoform settled on the couch watching some sort of space documentary. He's a bit amused by humans and their speculation of alien life. Ellie walks in, smiles slightly when she sees the scene, and then leaves for the kitchen before Crosshairs can even sit up. He frowns, watching her disappear around the corner.
"I think you make Mom nervous."
He turns, surprised to see Maddie stand up and sit down beside him. The little girl smiles a little sadly as she glances where her mother had gone, "Ever since Dad, big guys sometimes scare her."
Crosshairs remembers the fear that had gripped Ellie that night. It came so abruptly, so unexpectedly, as if she'd somehow been driven back into a memory she hadn't seen in a long time. It makes sense now, her pleading, her fear. But all that, caused by her mate?
He sits straighter, facing Maddie and letting his confusion show, "Your sire - father. He do somethin' to her?"
Maddie looks down, "I don't remember a lot, 'cause I was only six. But I know Dad used to do... bad things to Mom. He yelled a lot and made Mom cry. And he hurt her all the time."
Something burns deep inside of Crosshairs. He knows humans have more primitive, barbaric tendencies as an organic species, but this? To lay deliberate harm on a mate is practically unheard of for Cybertronians. In what universe does any human male find it appropriate to treat his mate so poorly enough that she fears? Crosshairs has to take a moment to look away and restrain his angered thoughts.
"That ain't right," he says in a low voice.
Maddie goes on, "Mom managed to get us away from Dad when Charlie was still a baby. But sometimes she still cries at night. I hear it. I think she still has bad dreams about it."
Charlie comes up to Crosshairs with a Lego car in hand. Looking a little bemused he takes the toy, simply holding it and turning it around between his fingers. It's made up of nearly all black Legos and Crosshairs finds himself smiling a little. As the little boy returns to building something else he murmurs to Maddie, "I don't mean to scare her."
"I know," Maddie replies. She scoots closer and smiles at the Lego car in his hands, "I'm not afraid of you, though. Charlie isn't either, obviously. And I know you won't hurt Mom either. Autobots protect people, don't they?"
He's briefly amazed by the level of maturity in this young girl. At only twelve years of age she knows right from wrong and already has so much trust placed in him. More trust than most human adults, he thinks. With a half-smile he nods, "That's right."
She plucks the car out from Crosshairs's grasp and spins it around herself, "I don't think Mom is actually scared of you. I think she's scared of remembering Dad."
Crosshairs mulls on this for the rest of the day, wondering what he can do to differentiate himself from a despicable man who's terrified the woman who's saved his life.
Ellie can't sleep.
These nights come and go on occasion. Even six years after she's escaped her marriage there's some memories that cease to leave her be. Memories that come when she least expects, sometimes. Such memories have forced her to stay wary of the Autobot staying with her now. She can't handle reliving a memory like that again. She knows it's irrational, but she can't help that she's afraid that looking at Crosshairs's holoform will bring forth the horrors again.
She tosses and turns in her bed, trying and failing to fight away his voice. His words stab into her, his memory a plague in her mind.
Worthless whore.
You're pathetic.
I never should have married you.
I bet these kids aren't even mine.
She sits up, rubs her face and quietly goes downstairs. Tears streak her face and she can feel the phantom pain of every bruise he'd laid on her, every strand of hair he'd pulled. With trembling hands she pours herself a glass of water and chugs it down so quickly that she nearly chokes. She leans against the counter and supresses a sob.
You're weak, he'd always used to say. Maybe he was right. If she can't rid herself of his torture even after all this time, perhaps she really is as weak as he'd always considered her. Angrily she wipes at her tears, only for more to take her place. It seems that even after he's gone, Thomas still maintains his emotional control over her.
Ellie doesn't even realize she's sliding down to the floor. She wraps her arms around herself, pulls her knees in and lets herself cry quietly, just as she's always done when these few nights come along.
"Ellie..."
Fear prickles it's way through her. A man's voice makes her look up and she sees the tall, overbearing sillouete of a man before her. Instantly her mind flies to the worst. He's back. He came back. He's going to hurt me.
"Please don't hurt me..." she sobs, "I did everything right. I promise."
She closes her eyes, refusing to even look. There's nothing for a long moment. No angry yelling, no ugly swearing, just the complete silence of the kitchen at night. She hears the man shift and she flinches, prepares for the pain.
All she feels are gentle fingers to her face.
"Open your eyes, doll."
Doll. That's different. His voice is different. Thomas never called her 'doll'. He never had an accent either. Her face scrunches in confusion, uncomfortable with the touch to her cheek but no longer out of fear.
"Ellie," he whispers again, "Open your eyes."
Slowly, she does. Instead of him standing dominant over her he's kneeling before her, non-threatening. Instead of a snarling expression she sees a handsome, worried face. Instead of harsh brown eyes she sees a gorgeous, bright shade of blue. The thumb on her cheek rubs softly, so different from a harsh slap.
"What do you see?" He asks.
"...You."
"Yeah, but who am I?"
Ellie swallows thickly, "Crosshairs..."
"That's right, doll," he smiles slightly, "'S just me. He ain't here. He ain't gonna hurt you anymore."
Ellie stares at him for a long time. Crosshairs stays where he is patiently, wiping away her tears as they come. She's not sure how but he seems to understand what's happening. It hits her then that in six years of restless, emotional nights, this is the first time someone has come to her and saved her from the darkness Thomas had left behind in her head.
Ellie sobs and lunges forward. She clings to her only form of comfort and cries quietly until she has no more tears, until her sobs cease, until her pain is eventually replaced by strong, protective warmth. The hand in her hair softly strokes instead of pulls. The lips against her temple whisper words of comfort instead of malice, and manages to lull her into a peaceful, empty sleep.
When she wakes up, Ellie finds herself in the kitchen again. A sigh leaves her lips, realizing she'd had another one of her nightly emotional meltdowns. Despite the fact that she'd somehow managed to cry herself to sleep Ellie feels as exhausted as she had when she went to bed. She has a headache -from all of the crying no doubt.
She shifts, freezing when she feels a strong arm squeeze her gently. It takes her a solid minute to realize that she isn't sitting on the kitchen floor, but in someone's lap. The surface she's tucked herself against isn't the cabinets, but a man's softly vibrating chest.
Out of pure instinct Ellie springs away. Or tries to, but she's stopped by two arms that wrap around her and pull her back in. Her heart pounds in her chest and she very nearly screams when a familiar, raspy voice says to her, "Ellie -hey, Ellie. 'S all right. You're fine."
Her hand flies to the large palm pressed against her stomach, gasping for air when she feels like she's on the verge of a panic attack. His other hand reaches up and holds the side of her face, gently turning it so she's leaning back against his chest, her face tucked near his neck.
"Crosshairs," she breathes with realization. Ellie twists again but the Autobot once again keeps her in his lap, not being forceful but staying firm all the same. Still very unnerved that she's in a large man's lap she protests in a small voice, "Let me go, Crosshairs."
"Not 'till you calm down," he replies. She's so close that his rough voice reverberates through his chest. It's insane to her how human he feels. The only difference is the absence of a heartbeat. On that thought her free hand touches her chest and feels her own heartbeat going through the roof.
Crosshairs's palm covers hers. It should scare her even more but for some unknown reason it doesn't. He feels her rapid heart for himself and murmurs in her ear, "You're panickin', doll. Just breathe."
"I can't-"
"You can. Breathe, Ellie."
Knowing he's not going to release her until she does Ellie tries to focus on calming herself down. It doesn't work, though, so she decides to try and distract herself instead. She asks tentatively, "What time is it?"
"Four thirty-one in the mornin'."
"...You stayed here all night?"
"Mmhmm," he hums in her hair, "Couldn't leave you in here after that."
The fact that he's been holding her like this all night is strangely touching. He's sacrificed his own comfort so that she could get a handful of hours of sleep. Before, Ellie wouldn't get any sleep at all. Biting her lip Ellie exhales, "You... weren't supposed to see any of that."
"'S fine."
"It's not fine, it's... embarrassing."
"Don't be embarrassed by something that ain't your fault, doll."
He's never called her that before. Ellie's not sure whether to feel comforted by that affectionate term or not. What's it supposed to mean, now that he's calling her that? Does Crosshairs even know the implications behind it?
"'M sorry, Ellie," he says with somber tone, "'Bout what he did to you."
Browns furrowing, she cranes her neck to look up at him, "How do you know about that?"
"Maddie," he says simply, "She told be 'bout it."
Ellie looks down again, frowning. After taking a deep breath she speaks, "So... I met Thomas when we were really young. He seemed so nice and charming at first. Our first few years of marriage were wonderful. We had Maddie, everything was nice. But... then he changed. His true colors began to show. He drank at lot, and when he was drunk, he'd... he'd..."
Tears threaten to come again and Ellie has to fight them back with a shake of her head. Crosshairs holds her close and this time Ellie finds herself welcoming his closeness. She feels safe and protected in his arms and for a moment she completely forgets why she's been afraid of him at all.
"What happened that night, Ellie?" Crosshairs asks, "What'd I do to make you fear me?"
"I'm not afraid of you, Crosshairs, it's just..." she fumbles with words, then sighs, "Thomas used to... corner me. He'd make me cry and then he'd ask me if... if he scares me. It was like some sort of sick game for him. So... when you asked me that, I just..."
"I get it," he mumbles quietly, "'M sorry. Didn't know-"
"I know you didn't know Crosshairs, it's okay. I'm sorry for pushing you away. Like I said I wasn't afraid of you, I just... didn't want to relive something like that again. I thought I'd gotten over that hellhole of a marriage after so many years, but... I guess not."
Crosshairs exhales, "Cybertronians... we don't tolerate that slag. Ain't in our programming to harm our sparkmate."
Ellie looks up again, "Spark... mate...?"
He glances down at her, "Yeah. When two Cybertronians are interested 'n each other, we got somethin' called a courting period."
"Oh, so like dating?"
"Kinda," Crosshairs shifts beneath her, "If they feel they're compatible they'll bond with each other. We do that by mergin' our sparks," he brings her palm up and places it flat against the center of his chest, the source of the soft vibration deep inside him, "'S what we got instead of a heart. Our sparks are our souls, everythin' we are."
Ellie gapes at him, amazed, "So... you guys literally join your souls together when you... marry..."
"When we bond, yeah."
"That sounds..." she stares at her palm pressed to his holoform's chest, "That sounds so... intimate."
"'Cause it is, doll," he says, smirking just slightly, "Bondin' means the two can feel each other's thoughts 'n emotions. Means no secrets from each other. They become one."
"Wow," she whispers. Ellie doesn't think she'll ever stop being amazed by Cybertronian culture. They're so much more than the giant killing machines that her government has made them out to be. Crosshairs only continues to prove that.
"How do sparkmates treat each other, Crosshairs?"
"With love 'n respect. They'll lay down their lives for each other. 'S how it should be," he says. Frowning down at her, Crosshairs adds, "'S how it should've been for you."
Ellie snorts, "Unfortunately, humans aren't near as trustworthy. We're cruel. I'm sure you've figured that out by now."
He squeezes her, a small smirk on his lips, "They ain't all cruel."
"Most are."
"Guess I got lucky then."
Ellie gasps, then chuckles and buries her head into his chest, to hide the blush rushing to her face. She's completely forgotten that she'd wanted to escape his lap as soon as she could. Now she simply wants to stay there. Her smile falters after a bit and she shakes her head.
"I'm a broken woman, Crosshairs."
"'N I'm a broken soldier."
Ellie looks up at him, "Well, don't we make a fine pair."
Crosshairs huffs. Gently he takes her delicate hands in his and places them in her lap. His thumbs rub over them softly.
"We both got our demons, doll," he murmurs.
Ellie says nothing. For what feels like hours she relaxes against his holoform, oddly feeling the most at peace now than she has in a long, long time. As it grows brighter in the kitchen, though, she knows she'll have to get the kids up soon for school.
"Can I get off of you yet?" She mumbles.
"Could've gotten off ten minutes ago," Crosshairs says, the smirk evident in his tone. Fighting another blush, Ellie elbows him in the stomach, which doesn't do much considering he just chuckles. She struggles to get up but squeaks when Crosshairs flows to his feet and picks her up in one fluid motion.
"Crosshairs!" She hisses, failing to stop the smile on her face. She smacks his chest with her hands, "Can you please put me down?"
Looking down at her thoughtfully, he instead places her carefully on the counter so that they're more eye-level. Ellie wipes at her eyes, ridding herself of the tear stains that remain after last night. She opens them to see Crosshairs's holoform watching her intensely, his blue eyes piercing and yet alluring.
"You all right?" He asks. His arms are braced on either side of her, but Ellie doesn't feel cornered. He's no Thomas. She knows he's not going to hurt her.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay," she says. With a grateful expression Ellie smiles, "...Thank you."
Crosshairs continues to stare, as if he's looking for something. Ellie squirms under his gaze until he brings a hand up and makes her look at him again, "Do me a favor, yeah?"
Ellie nods, words failing on her.
Crosshairs strokes her cheek with his thumb, "Don't be afraid."
Placing her hand over his, Ellie nods again, "I'm not. Not anymore."
Crosshairs just smiles a little. Ellie finds herself once again drawn to his stunning eyes. Eyes that reflect a pain of his own. It's in this moment that she realizes he's right. There's demons that haunt both of them. Ellie still struggles to get over Thomas and she knows that Crosshairs is still struggling to handle losing Bluestreak.
She sees him leaning closer and feels herself doing the same. There's a sudden need to be even closer to him, to understand all that this broken soldier is. Ellie closes her eyes, lets him pull her close -
Their eyes snap open when the unmistakable, shrill ring of Ellie's phone shatters the silence. Sighing, she pulls back and looks down at the vibrating device on the counter nearby. Her brows furrow, "Someone's calling me?"
Crosshairs mirrors her confusion, "This early?"
Ellie snatches the phone, checks the caller, and frowns, "It's my sister."
They meet eyes briefly before she swipes and answers, "Jenny?"
"Oh thank God, you're awake," her sister's voice is filled with worry, "Ellie, have you checked the news lately?"
"The news?" Ellie murmurs confusingly, "No, Jenny I haven't. It's, like, five in the morning, why are you calling me? Isn't it two in the morning over there?"
"There putting your entire area in lockdown, El."
"They're what?" Jumping off of the counter Ellie scrambles past Crosshairs and into the living room. She grabs the remote and turns on the television to see exactly what her sister's just claimed: news of nearly all of DC going under extreme surveillance after sightings of... a black Lamborghini?
"Ellie? Are you there?"
Ellie fumbles with her phone, her eyes still glued to the TV, "Yeah, yeah. They're saying... they're saying a Lamborghini attacked the James River docks?"
She hears Crosshairs utter a disgruntled noise behind her.
"Apparently it was seen teaming up with that Cemetery Wind group that keeps claiming to hunt Cybertronians. Pretty contradicting, don't you think?" Jenny says, "I called as soon as we heard about it. Ellie, you realize you're living in a dangerous area, right?"
"I know Jen, but-"
"But nothing!" Her sister protests, "Ellie I'm going crazy over here, knowing you live so close to all of this crazy alien shit going on! Just please, please, come to us. I'm begging you, El. Just take the kids and go."
Deep down she knows Jenny is right. It's not safe when the news is going on about a rogue Cybertronian attacking random places. With her area in lockdown it's very possible that she's going to have some secret agency at her doorstep, asking what she's seen. But Ellie takes one look at Crosshairs and shakes her head, "Not yet."
Crosshairs frowns at her.
Jenny sputters over the phone, "Not yet? What's that supposed to mean?"
Ellie sighs, "Do you remember when I said that I have something that I need to take care of first?"
"Forget about it, Ellie! You and your kids' lives are far more important than whatever the hell you're fretting over!"
Again Ellie shakes her head. She looks over to see Crosshairs's intense gaze and she sighs, "I'll call you back, Jen. I've... it's way too early to be talking about this. I'm still half-asleep and you need to sleep."
"Ellie, please-"
"We'll discuss it later, okay?"
Jenny sighs, "All right. Call me back soon, okay?"
"I will. Thank you for letting me know what's going on."
"Be careful, El. I love you."
"Love you too, Jen."
Ellie brings the phone down to see Crosshairs still looking at her intensely. Then his eyes go to her phone, "She's right."
"She's just worried."
He shakes his head, "I need to go."
Ellie frowns, "You can't just leave-"
"If someone comes here-"
"They're not going to-"
Crosshairs comes forward and brings his hands to both sides of her face, urging her to stop talking and listen to him.
"If they find me here, they could kill you, Ellie. You 'n your kids. I can't let that happen."
"And what happens if you leave while this whole city is on lockdown?" Ellie challenges, "What if they find you?"
"They won't find me."
"You don't know that," Ellie snaps, pulling his hands away. Shaking her head, she sighs and turns away, "I've got to let the kids know they're not going to school."
Like with Jenny it's simply far too early to argue. Crosshairs, thankfully, says nothing else and lets her tread upstairs. Ellie refuses to meet his eyes for the rest of the day.
Crosshairs waits until it's dark. He should feel relieved that what he's about to do will spare this innocent family's lives, but there's nothing but a painful pull in his spark as he takes one last look at the human children who've kept him sane and the human woman who's kept him alive.
His holoform leans against her door frame. He watches her body rise and fall with her breaths. It comforts him that she's sleeping so peacefully. Before he realizes it he's entering the room and tucking a lock of soft blonde hair behind her ear, just so he can see her face one last time.
It's so tempting not to leave. He could stay here and live a quiet life while the world dives into chaos around them. It would be so easy to forget that he's a soldier, an Autobot. He'd be around when Ellie needs him to be. He could hold her in his arms again, will away her turmoil as she's done for him, and let the Earth revolve around them and them only.
But he can't. The risks are too high.
He quietly backs away, leaves her room and deactivates the holoform, unaware that her eyes open the moment he turns away.
Crosshairs rolls out from the garage and only manages to make it to the driveway when her quiet voice stops him in his tracks.
"Don't go."
He adjusts his side mirror. Ellie's standing on the porch, arms wrapped around her slightly shivering, petite body. For the briefest of moments he has an urge to reactivate his holoform and warm her with his embrace, tell her he's not going to leave, and place her back on her bed. But he suppresses that urge as quickly as it came and sinks on his tires. He can't stay. He can't.
"So this is how it's going to be," she says, narrowing her eyes, "Leaving without even saying goodbye?"
If I did that, I wouldn't be able to leave.
He doesn't know what to say so he keeps silent. He's hoping Ellie will be angry and turn away, demand him to leave since he so desperately wants to. It'll be easier that way. But instead he feels her hand on the cold plating of his side and knows right away that Ellie isn't going to make it that easy. How is it possible that he's become so tightly bound by this human female?
"Go back inside," he says. She looks shocked only for a moment that his voice comes through his grille, but it's quickly overtaken by defiance that Crosshairs finds himself both loving and hating.
"No, I won't go back inside. I won't let you leave."
"You can't stop me."
"Please stay, Crosshairs. At least until things calm down. They're checking vehicles, they're-"
"I can't stay, Ellie," he says with more force in his voice. Ellie squeaks and turns around as his holoform activates just behind her. He comes closer, hesitates when he sees her back away, and sighs.
"I've lost everythin' already, doll," he reaches for her and she takes his hand, letting him pull her closer in a much more non-threatening way. Her skin is cold and her face is flushed, so he touches her cheek, "I can't lose what I have left. Not again."
She stares up at him, "Do you even know where you're going to go?"
"I'll figure it out."
"That's not good enough," she shakes her head, "If you leave now, Crosshairs, you will die."
"You told me if it came down to it, you'd choose your kids over me," Crosshairs says, his eyes growing hard, "What's stoppin' you now?"
"I'm not choosing you over my kids, I'm choosing to save your life!" Swatting his hand away Ellie grits her teeth, not even bothering to withold her frustrated tears, "I didn't spend all this goddamn time taking care of you, just to see you on the news next morning!"
Crosshairs looks away, hoping that by not seeing her he can muster up the strength to leave. But Ellie's hands reach up and cup his face, forcing him to look at her. At this woman who's so diligently gripped his spark and refuses to let go. This woman who's become his strength as much as she's become his weakness.
Ellie brings their foreheads together. They stay that way for a long time. Crosshairs closes his eyes, breathes in her sweet scent, and knows that he's been defeated.
"Stay, Crosshairs," she whispers, "Stay with us. Stay with me."
He stays.
