CHAPTER 7 / Chain
October 30th, 2011 / Late Afternoon
Yasogami High School 2nd Floor
I groaned. "Man, is a teacher even supposed to be able to enter the pageant?" Well I guess it was one way to up the number of participants but I was kinda glad that she wasn't my home room teacher.
"Yu asked the same thing. But guess you can't do much when she's the one running the thing," Yosuke shrugged from next to me. "But damn man, that performance of yours was amazing."
"Was it? I kind of blocked out everything else," I nervously scratched the back of my head. And to be honest if it hadn't been for Rise taking the lead I might have collapsed on stage. Thankfully I was able to regain my composure and cleanup a bit before getting back into my school uniform before returning out here with the others. Rise had double checked to make sure I was okay before I left though...while she got changed as she would be going back on stage. My anxiety issues were definitely a problem...but I wondered if what I had reacted to was just a collection of everything I had gone through lately and not really about being on stage itself. Except...I had been scared, I had admitted that much to Rise. Even if I hadn't really understood it myself until I admitted it. Sometimes answers for the reason I reacted a certain way was a simple explanation. Being aware of my problems helped me deal with it, but as unpredictable as anxiety attacks could be...there was only so much I could do.
"I think everyone has forgotten about the cross-dressing pageant as a result," Yu chuckled from next to me. I was more thankful that no one seemed to realized I had changed and was back in the crowd...but I had heard several people talking about it since I had been out here. Many of them were talking about me...more than Rise. Probably because I was an unknown by comparison. However, some of their comments I couldn't believe. Saying I was attractive. That was probably a bit more than I could handle so I just started to tune the other chatter out.
"Now for our next contestant, Satonaka Chie-san of the second years Class 2! Come on out, Chie-chan!" The announcer proclaimed bringing my attention back to the stage.
"I hope Kujikawa isn't going to be too worn out by all this," I sighed. I was the one that was already worn out though. But anxiety attacks always drained me. Rise had the advantage of being used to long days with performances. We only did one song...she was used to doing much more.
"She'll be fine. She was an active Idol up until a little while ago. She's used to doing long concerts and all day work schedules after all," Yu moved in close to make sure I heard it. Of course, Yu, would point that out, although I had already been thinking about it. But this performance was a bit different than what she normally did...she didn't really perform with other Idols. Well...and I was hardly an Idol...just an idiot that uses music to escape from facing what he really needed to. Maybe that was less true now than before...it wasn't like after being forced to face that part of me that I hadn't stopped enjoying music. But Rise she...music wasn't an escape...it was part of who she was.
I hadn't really thought too much of that. Actually I saw her less and less as Risette and more as just Rise. It be more accurate to say that I never really saw her as Risette to begin with. That was probably only because I didn't pay attention to her public appearances...only her music. So it was only really apparent to me when she sang...but now, considering all the time we've spent together...I didn't want to see her as Risette. She was much more than that. And I should consider myself lucky that I got to know her like this. It really was a miracle in a lot of ways.
"H-Hi, I'm Satonaka Chie," I looked up to see Chie in her usual school clothes which included the green jacket. Well it made sense that the first part of it would be just them in their usual clothes. Yosuke told me she was a bit of a Kung Fu...enthusiast but then he made a comment how she is really talented in that regard. And is probably one of the best fighters of the group. Not that Yosuke would ever admit he admires anything in front of Chie. I was started to get a sense that Yosuke wasn't being honest with how he felt for her.
"Tell us a bit about yourself!" urged the announcer to Chie.
"U-Um, I'm kind of shy and reserved...And my favorite food is…pudding." Chie sounded looked more nervous than I had been for my performance. But I am pretty sure that was off. Chie was more impulsive so she had probably thought way too much about this and definitely would have been better if she hadn't thought about it at all and just shown up.
"That liar…its steak," Yosuke said to me. He certainly knew her better than their interactions with each other would suggest.
"And she's not really that shy and reserved either," I added. I could understand that though...she may be comfortable around the other members of the Investigation Team...but in front of a school? Well lucky for her Inaba was not that big of a town. Except for the fact that in a small town rumors spread pretty fast.
"Up next, another contestant from Class 2, Amagi Yukiko-san!" The announcer said as Yukiko slowly made her way across the stage.
"H-hello, my name is Amagi Yukiko. Um, my family runs the Amagi Inn. If you ever find yourself in the area, please give us a visit. Our hot springs are open to the public year-round, so whenever you're in the mood to enjoy them, please drop by…" I take it back…Yukiko is even more nervous than Chie. And she has to deal with a lot more at the Inn...seeing a lot of people come and go. But those were on an individual basis...this environment was a lot of people. Thankfully I was up front with Yu and the others so I wasn't too badly feeling my usually anxiety I had when there were big crowds...but thinking about it certainly didn't help me though...
"Alright, that will do nicely," The announcer was moving the show along. "You already saw this next contestant in our surprise performance. A familiar face from our first-year Class 2, Kujikawa Rise-san or better known as Risette!" Inevitable was probably a word for this...although she was doing this performance as Kujikawa Rise...she would never be able to shake off Risette as a name. That was good though...it meant her time as Risette was memorable. And I believe it meant it was something she shouldn't forget. I still wasn't sure 100% why she left show business...but it wasn't for me to bring up or ask. Seeing her on stage again but just her school uniform made my feelings a bit mixed. Mostly because I just imagined her in the outfit she had just been in for the performance...or when she had stayed at my place and had been wearing my clothes...okay I need to reign in my thoughts before I get too crazy out of hand.
"Hi-hi! My name is Kujikawa Rise! I haven't been in town very long and I'm 100% thrilled to be here! So sorry I'm not working as an Idol right now! Risette's is gonna do her best, so I hope you all cheer for me!" Rise smiled big and then eyed around the crowd for a moment and then her eyes met mine. Wait, had she just been searching for me out of everyone in the crowd? Well that was crazy I was just with her its not like she was still...
"So Risette…everyone wants to know what's your relationship with the guy you performed with…" the announcer was moving next to her as if this was going to be something important.
"His name is Ikakure Kayane and my relationship with him is…" She leaned forward as if she was telling a secret to him but as she said it she looked back at me. "…a secret." I guess it was a good way to handle it. Ambiguous and non-committal that could at least satisfy the ones watching...or irritate them. Honestly I want to know what our relationship is at this point. Would I even see her at the house any more? I mean it was basically over now...only our connection to the Investigation Team would...oh what am I talking about?
"A secret, huh?" Yosuke looked over at me, as did Yu. I blinked for a couple seconds.
"Don't look at me. We're just friends. And its obvious she's just playing it up to the crowd," I quickly said. I mean…that's what we were. Nothing had really happened between the two of us just...well she did stay over at my house not too long ago but it wasn't like anything happened. Though I 'm pretty sure if anyone had saw her in my room wearing my boxers and long sleeve t-shirt then it would definitely be more fuel to the fire…My mind must have wandered because I started to turn red. I was also thinking about what had happened directly after the show. She must have held me for ten minutes while I had calmed down. And towards the end I am pretty sure it was just the two of us not wanting to separate. Thinking about this too much was definitely not helping me.
"Looks suspicious to me," Yu said.
"Yeah, this may merit investigation," Yosuke grinned.
"Drop it guys," Kanji was there to interrupt. Honestly though...I couldn't make heads or tails of my relationship with her anyway so even if it was inaccurately labeled it was more than what I knew about it. Still Yu was incredibly perceptive...its why I told him he was dangerous.
"Huh?" Yosuke looked up to the stage and then back to Kanji. "Hey, Kanji…here she comes…"
"Hey, shhh!. Pipe down!" Kanji said as they watched the final contestant come out onto the stage.
"…I'm Shirogane Naoto. It's hard to believe I'm up on stage at a pageant like this…This is beyond my wildest imaginings…I-I really don't know what to say." She looked over to the announcer. "…C-Can I step back now?"
"Wh-Whoa," Kanji muttered probably a little too loud because it made me chuckle and Yu and Yosuke had the same sentiments as me. It was obvious that Kanji had an attraction to Naoto...he was probably more honest about his feelings than the others. Except he was no good at admitting them out loud to himself...and especially not to Naoto. I was still getting to know all of them...but this did seem to be the case.
"And with that, all six uniquely beautiful contestants are on the stage! Now, let's have our special judge, Teddie-san, ask them some questions," The announcer pointed over to the other side as Teddie made his entrance onto the stage.
"Take note gentlemen, I'm sure this might be the last night Teddie lives," I commented knowing that the other guys were more keenly aware of the possible situation here than the girls had been initially.
"I think you might be right," Yosuke added.
"Ehem. I am Teddie, the honorary judge of this pageant. Please keep in mind that if you anger me, you will be at a disadvantage…Well Chie-san. Do you have a boyfriend?" Teddie grinned as he offered the mic to Chie.
"Wha-!? T-Teddie, you…!" Chie was too flustered to answer. But Teddie didn't linger. Perhaps a smart move on his part.
Teddie quickly moved on to Yukiko, "Yukiko-san, have you ever smooched before?"
"He's a dead bear," I heard Yu growl from next to me. I raised an eyebrow at that. It wasn't like I hadn't noticed the way Yu and Yukiko acted together.
"Huh…!? Stop it!" Yukiko quickly said. But almost as if he was on a mission, Teddie moved to the next girl. He was moving fast enough that even the crowd wasn't given enough time to react to his questions.
"Naoto-san, where are you ticklish?" Teddie seemed like there would be no letting up.
"I-I beg your pardon?" Naoto took a step back, she looked like she was about to run away. Teddie continued his pace and moved on to Rise.
"Can I stay at your house next time, Rise-chan?" Teddie's question was met with one of complete confusion on Rise's face.
"What kind of question is that?" Rise thought out loud. So...had Teddie stayed at someone else's house? I mean he stayed with Yosuke while in this world...right?
"A-Anyways, I have a surprise announcement for you all!" The announcer took control of the pageant once more. And good thing too. As long as they kept moving the girls wouldn't have time to get angry or sort out the rapid fire questions Teddie had given them. "Wait 'til you hear this! For the first time ever, this year's pageant will feature a swimsuit competition. And it's all thanks to Teddie-san here! We'll take a brief break while our contestants put on their swimsuits and be back in a few minutes!"
"So who's your vote to win it?" Yosuke asked me.
"No idea. Kujikawa seems like the easy choice but…" I shook my head, I knew she wouldn't win because of the crowd.
"Yeah I doubt it," Yu chimed in. "Most of the girls wouldn't vote for her."
"Huh? Yeah, she doesn't really appeal too much to them here." I shrugged, it didn't matter to me who won...I was just impressed they all managed to go through with it up to now. Honestly I was more weirded out by Teddie being called Teddie-san. It just didn't sound right.
"With your guy's performance and how she answered that question, I'm guessing most of the school thinks that the two of you are dating. And well you should have heard the girls go crazy for you…so now they think Rise-san found out your hidden talent and snatched you up for yourself," Yu quickly explained. Hidden talent though? No, I was just aiming to not be noticed. People never cared to find out more about me...or rather I never allowed it. Either way it was more my fault and not Rise snatching me up.
"And you are saying that's happened…in just the last hour?" I raised an eyebrow. "Who am I kidding...things spread fast around here." I should know better by now...I did on some level know that this would happen. I didn't care what people said about me...I just didn't want to affect Rise's reputation by proxy. Which I probably should have considered more. Well I had...right? And Rise had insisted on doing the performance with me...I really, really need to stop analyzing it so much.
"Well you can also add in the fact that the girls get jealous that a lot of the guys spend time gawking over her since she's arrived. So who knows what kind of combination it is," Yosuke added with a shrug. That was also a factor as well. Some around here were still a bit star struck.
"So now there is a rumor of Kujikawa and I dating? I'm sure the press would get a real kick out of that. Even more so if they realize who my Mom is," I groaned. At least it was only a rumor…but it could easily fly out of hand if the word got around. On an international level...something like this combined with her 'taking a break' could actually create a scandal in itself. Well she was probably used to fielding rumors about herself with the media.
"Don't worry about it. Rumors circulate fast around here," Yu said trying to ease my mind no doubt but that did the opposite. "They usually die just as quickly."
"Great…how long until my Mom knows?" I grumbled to myself. Knowing her...she knew long before...she understood how the music industry worked in greater detail considering it was her job to know.
"And now here comes the ladies in their swimsuits!" the announcer brought the attention to the stage once again. The guys and I had to look away when Kashiwagi and Hanako came out. I mean no offense but it's kind of embarrassing how confident they are. In a way that is impressive but what wasn't was how snobbish they were. Still they seemed to be pretty close as friends...but still it was hard to watch them.
"A-Ahaha…H-Hi…" Chie was the first of the girls to come out. She was wearing a green-yellow-white striped bikini. Just the fact that she was out on a stage in front of so many people in a bikini gave her points in my book.
"Oooooh," Yosuke said from next to me.
"You sound like a dirty old man…Chie-senpai is cute, though…" Kanji said.
"Any reason why you always pay more attention when Satonaka is on stage?" I eyed Yosuke.
"I don't," Yosuke quickly said but kept his eyes on the stage. Yu and I looked at each other and gave each other a slight nod. We weren't blind to this stuff. Even if Yosuke wanted to deny it or be oblivious to it.
Yukiko came out in a pink and white bikini. "I-I'm sorry…"
"No, thank you very much," Yu said only really audible to me. I couldn't help but laugh.
"Wow, Yukiko-senpai… She's exactly what I imagined she'd be…" Kanji said to which I gave him a nudge.
"I'd keep your imaginations about Amagi-san to yourself if you don't want to know what Narukami thinks about it," I whispered over to him. He gave me a look like he didn't understand what I meant.
"Wait...you mean...Yu-senpai and..." Kanji whispered back.
"Seriously did you not hear his reaction from earlier when Teddie asked her if she had been kissed?" I shook my head. "Come on Kanji-kun."
"Maybe I just don't get that stuff very well, you know," Kanji said scratching the back of his head.
"Well I'm not too much better either. I just read a lot of books and watch a lot of movies...and I might know a thing or two more about the two of them than they realize," I sighed. "Still its up to them on if they admit it to each other or not...or tell us if they've already gone past that."
"I..I see," Kanji said before both of out attentions were drawn back to the stage as the next contestant made her entrance.
Rise came out, proudly wearing her bikini. I shouldn't have expected any less from her. Unlike the others she was experienced in this kind of thing. I could see it in her face though...her worry about what people thought, although she kept smiling the whole time. Her bikini was yellow...which I thought was a decent color on her...but something darker would definitely make her sexier. Still she didn't have time to prepare one herself and these were just ones that had been prepared ahead of time by Teddie himself. Despite her entrance there was only a mild applause for her...which indicated to me the way this competition would go.
"Whoa, this isn't fair! An Idol has a glow to her that other girls don't have!" Yosuke frowned.
"I thought we already went over how we thought Kujikawa wasn't going to win," I shook my head. "Are you hoping Satonaka wins?" I figured I could turn thoughts away from Rise for a moment.
Yosuke's face went red. "Satonaka? No way, why would I want her to win?"
"Such a defensive action. It's curious," I prodded with a grin looking to Yu who nodded.
"Maybe we should look into this a bit more," Yu agreed with me.
"Hey, c'mon guys, Naoto is up next," Yosuke tried to deflect the conversation.
"Naoto-san?" the announcer looked around. There was a long moment but I think we all knew that there was no way she was going to come out onto the stage. "She's not coming out…Well, sad news, everyone, but Naoto-san isn't coming out for this portion."
"Oh well, I had a feeling this would happen…Too bad Kanji," Yosuke gave a consoling pat on Kanji's shoulder.
"Huh? No, um…well, yeah. But don't you think it was brave of her to at least show up in the first round?" Kanji shrugged...although I'm sure Yosuke was using this to get the attention off of him. Still, considering how obviously gun shy Naoto was...yeah I give her points for at least going on the stage for the first part.
"Yeah, you're right. Well, it's about time we voted…Who're you voting for, Yu?" Yosuke asked.
"Amagi-san…of course," Yu stated simply.
"I had no doubts," I laughed and I'm pretty sure Yu was more than aware now of my suspicions for him and Yukiko.
"And you, Ikakure-senpai?" Yosuke turned to me.
"Like you guys don't already know," I muttered as I went over to go lock in my vote. Of course it would be for Rise. Even if I didn't know her I would still vote for her...but I knew the girls vote would prevent her from winning. Not that winning was really a big deal at the culture festival. It was surprising how many entries we had for it...even if it was against their will they had still shown up. And that meant all of us had been on stage during this culture festival. That was pretty weird...at least for me. After a few minutes it was time to announce the winner of the pagaent.
"Thanks for the wait everyone! The results are in. Looking at the way the vote went…You guys out in the audience had a hard time picking a favorite! Lots of different opinions, with every contestant having their own enthusiastic supporters! On the other hand," the announcer seemed to be surprise. "It looks like the girls were all thinking the same thing! And the clear winner…Grand prize goes to…Shirogane Naoto! Her androgynous charm seems to have won most of the girls' hearts. We'd like to present, Naoto-san with her award now but…it looks like she's stepped outside."
The girls looked like they were talking up on stage. "It's kind of funny but looks like we were right. It all came down to the girls vote…" Yosuke seemed satisfied though. "Pretty nice, right Kanji?"
"Huh?" Kanji looked over at Yosuke.
"Well let's go wait for the girls to get changed. Maybe we could all go out and do something since we're all done with our respective parts on stage," Yu laughed.
I would have never had a day like this just a month ago. I would have been fine with just being part of the background in this setting. And while I still had problems dealing with crowds and that attention, I had made strives forward today. I couldn't be the person I had been before, not after what had happened in the TV world. I needed to take risks…and even if I got hurt along the way…I'm sure I would have my new friends there to support me. And that I felt for the first time in my life was something I felt I could finally count on. I just hoped I would continue to feel this way...if I didn't...then I would simply revert back to who I was before. And maybe that was what I was afraid of right now...losing this feeling that I had right now.
I was already mentally exhausted from the events of the day. Hopefully whatever we did would take us away from crowds for a while.
October 30th, 2011 / Late Afternoon
Yasogami High 2nd Floor Balcony
"I thought they'd never leave," I muttered as I stepped back into the hall with the others. I shook my head and cautiously looked around once more. The girls had figured out at some point that I was in the crowd and had decided to talk to me...so I escaped to Yu's classroom where they covered for me for a while. The last thing I wanted was that kind of attention. Most of them wanted to know my relationship with Rise...but why would that even matter? I didn't even exist to them until I had performed and now...well...I don't know what I was now.
"Guess you just aren't ready for the spotlight then," Yu chuckled from next to me. "Still not bad considering."
"Funny Narukami. Most of this was a result of your crafty scheming," I sighed glancing at him.
"Except I know you enjoyed yourself. It was a major step forward," Yu was quick to point out.
"I guess…but a step forward towards what?" I asked. I knew it was progress...but I didn't have a clear goal set...nothing other than...I can't be the person I have been up to this point...I can't just stay in the shadows...something like that.
"Sometimes you don't always need a clear destination. The most important part is that you keep stepping forward, no matter what," Yu said as if repeating something he had heard before. But it was better than nothing.
"Well I won't deny that after my body's initial reaction to what I had done I felt really good," I caught myself looking over at Rise who was just out of earshot. She's a strong girl…that there could be no doubt. But from what Yu had said to me a while ago…this performance was just as good for her as it had been for me. I only knew the sides I had seen of her so far. There was too much I didn't know about her to ever make assumptions on what it was Yu had implied. After the performance she had been there to comfort me as I confessed my fear of the situation...but I had done it...and Rise had just silently comforted me until I was able to control my composure and leave. Though...it had definitely looked like she wasn't comfortable with leaving me alone. And I could only think about the comfort her holding me had brought me...even though a part of me was scared of that too. I wonder if I would ever truly break free of my own mental prison I had made for myself.
"I'm sure you'll do even better in the future," Yu smiled. I had no time to comment on this as we both noticed someone running towards us.
"Onii-chan!" the familiar voice of Nanako came from our left. The two of us turned to see her and Yu's Uncle Ryotaro Dojima. This was certainly a surprise. Narukami knelt down and was given a quick hug from his cousin.
"Ah, good thing we found you. I've got to make a business trip to the prefectural office, and I won't be back until tomorrow. Shame it had to fall during your school's Culture Festival. Nanako and I were both looking forward to it…Sorry to dump this on you, but could you show Nanako around?" Dojima obviously didn't have much time to trade pleasantries if he was getting straight to the point. Or maybe that was just his habit as being a detective.
"Would you like to walk around with us, Nanako-chan?" Yukiko moved up on Yu's side smiling down at her.
"Can I?" Nanako looked up at her Dad.
He merely nodded before looking back at Yu, "Thanks. I'm gonna get going."
"Have a safe trip," Nanako gave her Dad one more smile.
"Yeah. You have fun too, Nanako," Dojima then turned and made his exit down the stairs.
"Hey Nanako-chan, why don't you come over and stay at my place tonight?" Yukiko suddenly asked which got everyone's attention. Well I didn't really register it except I saw everyone physically react to the question.
"Huh? Huh? Huh? What did you just say, Yuki-chan!?" Teddie was the first of the Investigation Team to speak up about it. I don't get what the big deal was.
"Oooh, a celebration at your inn!?" Rise certainly seemed to like this idea.
"Is that okay with you!?" Kanji seemed to be one of the few wondering why people were just inviting themselves but I guess everyone was just hoping it was true. I feel like there was something here that I didn't know about.
"Uh-huh. I promised you guys a while ago, so yeah," Yukiko said with a nod. Had she? Must have been before I was around, obviously.
"Hell yeah! I'm down," Yosuke definitely had enough energy to show he was enthused. I'm not sure why though...well I had never been to the Amagi Inn. I really didn't do anything in town except go shopping when Mom asked me to.
The whole group erupted into similar excited conversation. I simply looked over at Yu and he chuckled a bit. This was probably a mistake because he instantly saw the thought that was already crossing my mind. Well something I had already been thinking about before this. I already felt like I was pushing my limit...and being somewhat bombarded after the pageants with people approaching me had not helped my nerves either. A big part of me just wanted to go home.
"Don't tell me you're thinking of just going home," Yu eyed me.
I frowned; considering just how much I had managed to do today. Plus, I barely knew these guys…how could I intrude in something that had been planned before I was even around? Why would they even want someone like me around? Nanako was pulling on Yu's hand which stopped our conversation.
"Can I go?" Nanako asked Yu.
"It's completely up to you, Nanako," Yu smiled.
"Let's go! I want to spend the night!" Nanako was smiling bigger than ever before.
"Wheee! Hot Springs! Yukata! Flushed skins!" Teddie proclaimed.
"I have a feeling something is going to happen," I shook my head. I honestly didn't feel like I should go…and wasn't sure I would make it through the night if I did. I turned and walked over to the balcony area that looked down to the locker area of the school. The crowds were starting to thin out. Had I really managed to perform in front of everyone today? Did that actually happen? Well the complete and utter breakdown, after it was over, certainly happened. However, I felt close to having another one right now because of the attention I got after the fact.
"Well it's almost 5pm now. So how about we all meet at the Amagi Inn at 7pm? That should give everyone enough time to grab a change of clothes and grab some dinner. Sound good?" Yu said making the plans more concrete than they were just a moment ago. He kept an eye on me though...probably making sure I didn't duck out until he could talk to me. I instead just kept my focus away from the others.
"Sounds good," came the response from some of the group.
"Senpai," the voice was Rise's and I knew right away she knew exactly what I was thinking. I turned to her and saw the visible irritation on her face. Of course she would notice...of anyone I didn't want to notice my dilemma about this it would be her. So naturally that meant she had to notice. But Why? Why did she pay attention to me...Everything that had happened...I didn't deserve the attention of someone like Rise. She had the strength to keep going...but me...I was always hesitating. "You are not just going to go home." Her voice was more like an order but regardless I disagreed...I thought she knew just hard today was on me...
"Look, today took a lot out of me…I could be pushing my luck going out and…" I averted my eyes knowing she would only get irritated by my words. I was going to let her down either way but apparently she was more irritated with me looking away. She reached out and grabbed my chin, intending to force me to look at her. So far I had been okay with her touching me earlier in the day...but that had been because my defenses were down and I really lacked the energy to react to it. This time though...the sudden motion and forcefulness of her actions culminated into this one moment. My body just reacted; I flinched with a step away from her quickly, trying to get away. My body locked up with me being in a somewhat weakened state which resulted in a miss-step and I fell back hitting the ground hard and up against the railing. My voice cried out as I cringed...fearing that there would be further retaliation, "No!"
"Senpai!" Rise stopped her eyes showing the realization of what she did and she then took a step back. "I-I'm sorry."
I realized only then that the whole Investigation Team plus Nanako was looking at me. My legs were shaking…I felt cold. That same irrational fear was back again. How was I ever truly supposed to conquer this? I hated this…why couldn't I just be normal? But all I ever got reminded of was that man. The one who had turned my childhood into one long running nightmare. And even though I knew that none of them here would ever be that way…I was still afraid of it happening. It was a part of me I couldn't rid myself of. If I took the chance and trusted them…it would be opening myself up to so much possible pain. But I wanted to...I wanted to so badly...this ongoing war within myself was unrelenting. Now I couldn't stop shaking and felt close to completely breaking down for the second time today. I truly was pathetic. And now...Rise felt guilty as if it was her fault...but it wasn't...it was never anyone's fault. No...this was supposed to be something I got over with time and a therapist. But I didn't...because I had been too scared to ever try...and now that I wanted to...I wanted to be better...to be someone that could live a normal life.
To do that...I needed to face this...I knew that. But it wasn't easy...it isn't something you can just wash away or stop with a miracle pill. It took work...and I needed to commit to that work.
"Yukiko-san, can I leave Nanako with you?" Yu seemed to be the first to take control of the situation. As he always did.
"Of course, Yu-kun," Yukiko said with a smile and her gaze lingered on me for a moment. She seemed to be concerned about me as well. "We'll go by your house and then we'll stop somewhere for dinner on the way back to the Inn. Sound okay?"
"Alright, you go with Yukiko-san, alright?" Yu said looking over at Nanako. That was when I noticed that the young girl was looking at me. And while Yu was trying to diffuse the situation...Nanako had her own ideas.
Nanako then walked over to me and then smiled, "You'll be there too right?"
"I-I…" I took a deep breath. I was sitting more comfortably against the railing now and took a couple deep breaths. Some part of me was able to regain my composure enough to talk. "I don't know if I should."
"You have to," Nanako's words caught everyone's attention. Especially mine. She just looked at me like that was all the reason I needed.
The tension I felt seemed to disappear and the next moment I started laughing. Everyone seemed to ease up when I did this. Nanako was somewhat brash and definitely didn't look like I had a choice in this. "You're not going to tell me why, are you?" No, she wouldn't...and for a moment Nanako reminded me of Miyuki and how she had often dealt with me.
"Nope, you have to go to find out," Nanako had already made up her mind and apparently mine as well.
"You're just like how my best friend was. She never gave me an option either. I could never win against her either.," I sighed as Yu came over and offered me a hand to get me back to my feet. I took it...somewhat apprehensively but I was back at my feet and looked to the young girl. "Alright, Nanako-chan. I'll be there."
"Yay! Now everyone will be there," she smiled big.
"Alright, Nanako-chan. Let's leave Senpai with your brother and get going. We'll see them there, okay?" Yukiko insisted. After a few moments, Yukiko, Chie and Nanako left together. Yosuke dragged Teddie off next and then Naoto and Kanji left not too long after that. Rise…she didn't say anything to me…she looked at me words seemingly at the end of her tongue but then silently left without saying a word to anyone. Not even the others.
"So, are you here to make sure I don't try and get out of it?" I said looking over to Yu.
"I doubt you would break a promise to Nanako," he said simply. He was right on that one...I hoped I was a person that didn't break his promises. Though it makes me curious if I ever had. But Yu then did something that surprised me. "I wanted to apologize."
"Apologize? For what?" I asked, completely confused. "I mean I'm supposed to be your Senpai...yet its all of you that have to keep helping me. I really am pathetic."
"No, you're not. The truth is, I don't think any of us can understand what it was that you went through as a child. Whatever your Uncle did to you…it has left some big scars on you. I believe Rise-san told you but we did read part of your psych evaluation. However, most of us didn't have a frame of reference for what you went through. We didn't realize how much you were suffering, or how you continue to do so," Yu let out a big sigh. "But we want to be here to help. All of us. I know it is asking a lot for you to trust us so suddenly when we haven't known each other that long. But that is also why I don't think we understood how much it affected you until today. Rise-san definitely has seen it now."
I nodded and took a couple of steps towards the stairs. "I want to trust all of you. I really do, but I'm not sure if I remember how to do that. I just keep thinking that I'm going to look at you all one day and then suddenly I won't even matter. No…like I will never live up to what you expect of me and then…"
"Your mind thinks we would lash out at you…physically," Yu stated, and I merely nodded. "Tonight is about relaxation and a celebration. To your performance with Rise-san and even Shirogane's win in the beauty pageant."
I raised an eyebrow, "And Teddie?"
"Oh I highly doubt the girls want to be reminded of what he put them through," Yu smiled which had me laughing.
"Yeah, you're probably right," I looked over at him. "So what should I bring exactly?"
"Shouldn't need anything more than just a change of clothes. Yukiko says they provide yukata's," Yu said with a smile. I looked at him for a long moment. Did he not realize what he just said? Well might as well bring it up with just the two of us.
"So how long have you two been dating?" I blatantly asked. Thanks to Yu changing the subject I felt a bit more comfortable with everything that was happening. And I had recovered my composure, although I still felt a bit shaky...but that was normal...or seemed normal after a reaction like that. Rise...I hope she wouldn't take this the wrong way.
He blinked a couple times before he registered what I had asked him. He sighed, defeated, "Well…almost three months. Since the beginning of August. Was it that easy to spot?"
"No not really," I shrugged. "I was just guessing since you used her name without any honorifics. Plus out of everyone you could have asked to take care of Nanako-chan you specifically asked Amagi. I may not know much about relationships but I'm not stupid. Plus I'm a sucker for romance novels." Well...I read all kinds of novels...there was a time I had considered writing my own but music just worked out better for me.
"Speaking of relationships," Yu motioned for us to head out so we both started walking down the stairs and towards the front gate of the school. "How is it going with Rise-san?"
"With Kujikawa? Don't ask me," I looked away from him. Why was he seemingly pushing me together with Rise? Plus with what happened, it was obvious that I didn't have any hope with any relationship...not without a lot more work. "She shouldn't spend so much time with me. I mean look at what happened between us earlier. I don't think the relationship could develop any more than how it is now." No...it wasn't good for Rise to be around me...I would only hurt her. I...had already hurt her in a way. With every step I take forward...would it be at the expense of someone else?
"Just because it would be hard doesn't mean it is impossible," Yu commented. "Besides, Senpai. She doesn't give up. If she had then she wouldn't be the same girl that became an Idol." Persistence wasn't always a good thing though, especially if it only gets you hurt.
"I was pretty sure she was in love with you to be honest," I said as we exited the school gates and were on route towards Yu's house. "Narukami...Her being around me...I really do enjoy it but...if she stays around...I'm going to hurt her eventually...one way or another. And she...she deserves somebody that doesn't have a mental breakdown whenever she touches them." No...she deserved someone that could give her the attention she wanted...who wouldn't hesitate to get close to her. That wasn't me...and I'm not sure it could ever be me...even if a part of me wanted it to be me. I enjoyed my time with her...and I had been depressed because there was no reason for her to come over at night anymore...or to sing with me.
"She has a lot of heart, I'm sure you've noticed. And yes, she might have been in love with me at some point, but I told her the truth of my own feelings in the end. And Senpai...you can't decide something like that. Deciding what is best for someone isn't our place. I feel the same about Yukiko most of the time," Yu looked at me with his own thoughtful look. "She has a better grasp as to what she wants out of life...and me...well I still don't know yet. She says she'll support me no matter what it is...and its going to be hard on her when I have to move away at the end of the year. But even if it is hard...I want this relationship with her...just as she does with me."
"I know where you are going with this. It takes two people to have a relationship, right? I can't make decisions for the relationship on my own...at least I shouldn't take the choice out of her hands," I could understand the reasoning of it...but I didn't really like it. "I don't want to hurt her, Narukami. And if something like being with me is what she wants...it won't be easy...and I know I will hurt her."
"You know that isn't your choice to make. Even if its hard...even if you both get hurt...Do you intend to hide from people your whole life?" Yu shook his head. "You know...if you never take that chance you will never move past where you are right now. Nothing will change."
He was right...he was more right than I ever wanted to admit. "Is this supposed to be you encouraging me? Or appealing to my more rationale side?"
"Maybe a bit of both...I just don't want you to turn away when you have a chance to move past this. Plus...Rise-san only ever talks about you anymore. I don't think you can avoid hurting her at this point. It may seem like such a short time to grow so close...but you've been through something incredibly difficult...and I think she wants to share with you about her own experience...tell me...is turning her away really what you want to do?" Yu asked straight out.
Of course...the answer was simple. "No...that's what bothers me. I guess I don't really have a choice. And that's what is most difficult to me."
"You always have a choice, Senpai. But this is a risk you know you should take. You never know what you may get out of it, if you never take the chance. You've already taken some pretty daring chances, you performed in front of the whole school...you went way out of your comfort zone to do that. So it may be just today speaking to you because of just how much you've done. You want to retreat back to the world you know but now is the time to keep pressing forward. Even if it is only one person...open up to Rise-san. Take the dive and put your trust in her, but do it at your own pace. No one ever said you needed to do this sprinting. You just need to make sure you don't take any steps backwards," Yu said and gave a comforting smile. It was nice talking with Yu. He was quickly becoming a good friend. Maybe I really did belong in this group. But I guess Yu had put it the most eloquently. You never know what you may get out of it, if you never take the chance. It meant opening myself up...but they already knew so much more than most did...if they wanted to hurt me...they would have already. Rise had been there to support me...patient and calming...but it had been a long day and maybe it had just been rough for both of us. I had wanted to retreat...but maybe Rise had wanted to spend time with me.
It was an outlandish thought to me...someone wanting to spend time with me. Yet the possibility was very real. Rise...exactly where do we stand with each other? Do you really want to risk getting hurt with me? I don't want to be a source of pain for you...I don't want to hurt any of my friends. Friends...if I hadn't been kidnapped would I have ever changed or would I just been stuck in my ways for the rest of my life? But that was no longer me...and now I just needed to commit to a path...a goal and maybe for once...trust that my new friends would be there to support me.
October 30th 2011 / Evening
Amagi Inn Balcony
I sat somewhat uncomfortably out on the balcony area of the Amagi Inn. The balcony wasn't as cold as people might think. Then again, at this point and time I welcomed the cool evening air. It's funny how much my life changed in such a short amount of time. I wonder what Miyuki would think of this whole situation I was in. Though if she had been around I would have never found myself in Inaba along with her Mom...well now my Mom. I imagine life would have been significantly differently. Then again I might have ended up in Inaba either way. Just it would have been with Miyuki…and we might have been adopted siblings with her Mom taking care of both of us. It was a question that would never have an answer. And even still, it managed to creep into my mind.
Maybe I should have been up in the room with the guys, but I still felt uncomfortable about being here. I was mainly here because of Nanako. That was just a convenient excuse. As much difficulty as I had today, I also wanted to spend my time with these people that had entered my life. They had saved my life after all. That wasn't something that I would be able to forget. Still there was part of me that didn't know what to do or even how to act around them. After the life I had lived up to this point I shouldn't be surprised how hard it was to suddenly allow people into my life. Things were never that easy. Nor should it be.
Somehow even despite the kind of day I had…I was here and functioning. Usually after the few incidents that had occurred over the last couple days I would have been unable to keep going. I felt different now. I'm not sure exactly what it was that was influencing it. Well the obvious answer would be to say the Investigation Team, but I don't think it was that simple. My adopted Mother would most likely attribute it to Rise's sudden and constant presence in my life.
The thought of Rise made me frown and I knew there were several reasons why. The last words she had said to me had been an apology. I reacted to Rise's sudden action brought on by frustration against me. In a way I couldn't blame her, she had gotten frustrated at me when I turned away from her. And being who she was, she wanted me to look at her. She reached out and grabbed my chin to turn me towards her. My body reacted and I fell to the ground and up against the railing in order to escape her as if she were a danger to me…and to make it worse I had even yelled. She probably hated me for how I was just unable to get used to her. I was just a coward though…I was even afraid of Rise. With things as they were she could hurt me more than anyone else. That was what led me to my other thought about my situation with Rise. There was no longer a reason for her to come over to my house. Yu had also pointed out the opposite...if I never took the chance...things would just stay the same.
At first I had thought nothing of it. I had agreed to do the performance maybe a little too early. Then after the days of her being over every night…I had grown accustomed to her being around. We had a set unspoken distance we always stayed at…except when Rise occasionally tried to cross that distance. And occasionally…I didn't react to it. But when things happened too quickly or suddenly…my body instinctively retracted away from her. That was why Rise spent time slowly closing the gap between us…that was what I had noticed. As they spent time together…over the course of the night she often would move closer to me as time went. Until we were almost touching. When she took her time like that...it never ended that negatively. Not like what happened earlier.
While we were performing on stage though, her being close to me had an odd calming effect that I hadn't felt before. She had recognized that I was going to have an anxiety attack on the stage and had boldly moved in and comforted me. Not just in front of their friends but the entire student body of Yasogami. And because of that Rise had actually made a lot of girls angry. However...her actions had gotten me through the performance. I figured by now that the trick to it was that I had to be distracted by something else in order for me not to be affected by her getting close to me. The comforting effect she had on me in those moments had been a relief...but also scared me. I could easily go the other way and become emotionally dependent on a connection like that. Still I had wondered what the performance looked like.
According to what Yosuke and Yu told me…the first part of the song that only entailed myself had completely enraptured most of the girls in the crowd. These girls were suddenly faced with my existence and that it could no longer be denied. Not sure I cared for that...I was just fine with not being noticed by the girls. Yu also went on to say some of the girls proclaimed it was love at first sight, certainly not something I would have expected. Then the enemy of those girls, Rise, came onto the stage. Playing the counter point in the strange love duet, they felt that Rise swooped in and stole me away. Funny how I went from a nobody…to something desired and now placed directly into off limits within the matter of a few minutes. In just the small amount of time after the performance I felt a dizzying amount of stares being directed towards me. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to deal with it though. This was something normal for Rise...but a lot of girls were glaring daggers at her because of the whole thing. Yet...she didn't seem to mind. It probably hurt her in the pageant but it was obvious to me she didn't care too much about winning it.
None of that mattered though. Even if Rise had been okay with all of this...it wasn't like Rise was going to come over anymore. Of course it wasn't until now, when it was over, that I realized the truth of my feelings. That's how I had been with Miyuki as well. Except I was too much of a coward to do anything more than just think about it. Well I was also a lot younger then. Still this was the real truth of why I was hiding out on the balcony that was typically only where the Inn's smokers went to have a cigarette. I was afraid of losing my connection to Rise…so I made the decision to avoid her…which basically was doing the same thing. I am an incredible idiot. But...I don't know what to do...I've never cared to get close to someone before but...here I was doing just that. And now it was all I could think about...yet my inaction was going to cause problems...I needed to stop and actually do something for once. The words Yu had said came back...I needed to try.
"Ah, here you are, Senpai," the blue haired, Naoto approached me, coming from inside. It shook me for a moment but I was glad to be pulled away from my thoughts.
"Shirogane? Can I help you?" I asked unsure of what else to ask her.
"Everything okay?" Naoto asked. Am I an open book or something?
I sighed after a long moment. Still, she was a detective so if anyone was going to pick up on it...as if it wasn't obvious it would be her. "The fact you are leading in to the conversation with that question means you've already deduced as much. Yu has told me a lot about everyone. I didn't realize how completely oblivious I had been to the events in town all this time. I guess I really had given up on living. Well…there is a lot of evidence of that I suppose."
"We haven't had much time to talk before, Senpai. But I think all of us can at the very least understand how hard it is to try and fit in. Did, Narukami-senpai explain what happened to us with our Shadows?" Naoto looked at me…seemingly unsure of bringing the topic up. There seemed to be a lot of subjects that were hard to bring up.
"No, of course not. Yu feels that it isn't his place and that if you guys wanted to tell me it would be up to all of you individually," I shifted my position a bit as Naoto took a seat in a chair across from me.
"That sounds like Senpai," Naoto smiled briefly. "I spent a lot of time trying to pretend to be a guy. As a detective there just isn't any respect for women…especially one as young as me. So I…well look at me. Even now I still go on with it. Regardless if I'm okay with whom I am it still doesn't change how the general populace of law enforcement's typically stand on the point of women as detectives."
Understandable...and was a logical thing to do. A kind of decision that someone determined and level headed would make. That spoke a lot about the kind of character that Naoto had. "Still you successfully deceived most of them for quite a long time," I commented. Probably shouldn't make assumptions though. "I'm just guessing though."
"No you're right. Maybe some more than others but…" Naoto shrugged. "Like most cases, as soon as the police thought they had a culprit, they were quick yo pin the blame and promptly kicked me off the case. Even though I had strong doubts about the one they captured, named Mitsuo."
"Right, Yu said that they had all been convinced that he had been the killer. Even they had been at the time when they went after him in the TV. But you saw something more and developed a theory based on the similar circumstances on not just the murders but the kidnappings as well. At the time you made the connection to the kidnappings that up to that point only Yu and the rest of the Investigation Team knew about," I said as I was trying to remember all the details that Yu had gone over with me. "I don't think Yu really specified it though."
"Well it is something we have only somewhat explained to you. The target is someone that has recently gotten well known through the media. That I had been able to determine on my own. As I had been pulled from the case I had no choice but to test my theory in order to ensure that the killer was still not at large. Given my reputation as the Detective Prince, I was able to arrange for myself to meet that criteria. Appearing on TV to become more well known through the media. Although I had no idea exactly what would happen after that point. But even though I had been prepared for it, I had been scared out of my mind. Still I couldn't allow the case to be brushed under the rug like it was going to be. Only maybe I had done it for the wrong reason," Naoto sighed. "In the end I found out more about myself than I cared to admit. Things I had pushed far out of my mind. In the end all I ever wanted was to be accepted. That was why I had tried so hard to be a guy. I knew it was the quickest path to acceptance and really it did work. I have acquired quite a bit of notoriety as a result. Though it is only representative of a portion of who I really am."
"Yeah, I can understand all of that. As for me…I wish it was as simple as being accepted. I'm not saying it's easier but…my problem is a bit…" I shook my head and looked away from her.
"Your problem is a deeply engraved pathway. When certain motions or actions are done around you, your body reacts as a defense mechanism. It's because of what your Uncle did to you. He didn't just beat you, Senpai. He psychologically hurt you deeply. There are ways in which you can deal with it, but they will take time no matter what you do. And neither you nor Rise-san should feel responsible for what happened at the school," this was most likely the main point that Naoto had wanted to get to.
"So I react that way…because of him, huh? Even after all these years?" I chuckled a bit. I already understood that much but it was nice to hear it from someone who actually seemed to care about me and wasn't just evaluating me over some need or obligation to do so. "Hmm developmental psychology huh? Why do you know all this anyway?"
"My studies in psychology, naturally. It's essential knowledge as a detective," Naoto stated matter-of-factly. "It is also possible that your anxiety attacks could be part of your body's defense mechanism that tries to actively prevent those situations."
That was an assessment I had not heard before. "You're saying that my body is…instinctively trying to keep myself at length from people…to even go as far as to force myself to be physically ill?" I looked at her for a moment and shook my head. The thing was it made total sense…the mind always knew what you wanted before you're consciously aware of it…supposedly. "You said that there is ways to deal with it though."
"It would take significant time and willpower…as well as considerable amount of bravery. Think of it this way…your brain is essentially hard wired to these reactions to keep people at a distance so they cannot have a chance to hurt you as your Uncle did in your past. In order to change this, we have to basically rip out that wiring and create a new foundation. Like I said, it would not be easy…and it would take time. Unfortunately these reactions we build during traumatic moments in our lives are engraved heavily and it could be that no matter how much we try, they will still be there. That doesn't mean it has to continue to control your life, Senpai. I'm sure we can find a way for it to be better," Naoto's words showed me just how much this girl had been thinking about it. To think through it so thoroughly…no one had done that. Even the therapist who was supposed to help me had never done more than he was paid to do.
"You've spend some time on this…haven't you?" I asked in a hushed tone.
"Yes, but what I've said is based merely on observation of your behavior. I am not an expert in the field but from what knowledge I have gained it seems highly likely," Naoto was giving me a chance to deny this, but I knew better than that. "I just want to help."
Help...yeah...if I truly wanted to move forward...I would need help...which meant accepting it when it was offered. "So, what can I do?" I asked.
"Naoto-kun, you out here?" It was Rise. I didn't have to hear more than one word to recognize that voice. My thoughts when it came to her were more confusing to me then this situation with my own brain. Still it was something I hadn't thought of too much before...However, Rise's presence made me avert my eyes to off the balcony to avoid her. What was I doing?
"I'm here, Rise-san," Naoto said. "I was just speaking with Ikakure-senpai."
I didn't dare look in the direction where Rise's voice had originated from. Why was I acting like this? What am I, an elementary school student? Still I couldn't get myself to look at her. I knew why...I felt ashamed of how I had reacted...how my body had reacted. She was the one person I knew would never do anything to hurt me...not intentionally. But...my body didn't make that distinction and because of that...there was a rift between Rise and I...and me acting this way was not helping.
"Well we're heading in to the hot springs with Nanako-chan. So I came to get you," Rise was moving out onto the balcony. I had no idea if she would...but I could imagine her looking at me...and I was only serving to make her feel more guilty about our situation. I really am an idiot.
"Alright, I don't want to keep them waiting. Shall we discuss this later, senpai?" Naoto's voice was obviously directed at me.
I merely nodded but didn't turn towards them and not too long after I heard both the girls heading inside. "Way to go Kayane…Kujikawa probably thinks you are mad at her now…" I shook my head. I had always wanted to meet Risette in some fashion, ever since I had first heard the demo that showed up for my Mom to review. I had loved it from the moment I had heard her voice. And the more I looked into the song the more I loved about it. So I wrote my own review for it and gave it to my Mom. She made some changes to it to make it a bit more professional sounding but for the most part it was my review. I didn't know that it was that review that would give her the chance to become the idol she was...or had been.
Yet here I was…I had been given quite an opportunity to perform with her. I'm sure if her agency found out she would get in trouble…and questions as to her taking a break would come into question. That was something she didn't need…not on top of the murder investigation. And from what Yu had told me she was an invaluable asset in the TV world. She didn't have a fighting ability but her Persona was capable of data gathering that was essential to their effectiveness in battle.
Come to think of it, I hadn't been over in the TV world since they rescued me. Yu said he wanted to take me in there to get some battle experience but they had all been so busy because of the Culture Festival. It was only natural. He had asked me if I had any fighting experience. And really I didn't have anything to draw from. He told me that most of the team hadn't either but things were a lot different in the TV world. A Persona gave you strength and reflexes that were far above what you would normally have. Yu's next question toward me was if I had felt different since I had been rescued. And yeah, I have. There was so much more I was able to do now. I could hold conversations and had even been able to answer questions from Teachers in my class. All things that would have normally caused me to clam up or go into an anxiety attack. And it seemed my threshold for my interactions with others was getting higher every day. Yu figured it might be a result of having a Persona.
Well it felt that things had gotten better to me. I certainly had a lot more confidence in myself as of late. That didn't mean I wasn't still prone to fall in my self-destructive thought patterns. That had still happened several times since they had rescued me...with one event being very recent. Urges for certain behaviors had not come as often as before. That was probably the biggest change of all that I noticed. And I was still changing…more every day it seemed. And if I really was changing...this would be something Miyuki would be proud of...right?
I looked around for a moment and realized that I felt really cold. I might as well head back up to the room the guys were at. I wasn't sure how long I had been out there. I guess I had just gotten lost in thought for a little too long. Making my way back into the Inn and up the stairs to the other floor, I got to the room that the guys should have been in. I walked in…but no one was there at all. I looked around for a bit…but it was obviously empty. "Odd, did I somehow miss them?" I shook my head and moved over to my backpack that I had brought with me. A few moments later the missing guys in question entered the room.
"I checked again, and sure enough, the hot spring's supposed to be for men at this hour. They're so evil…Evil, I tell you," Yosuke groaned as he walked in and collapsed on his futon.
I looked questioningly to the others. "Did…something happen?"
"Well, we went off to the hot springs…and we were informed it was the time for the men but…it seems the girls had already took claim to it," Yu groaned.
"I think standing our ground wasn't the best decision you could have made," Yosuke muttered from his futon.
"Yes, in hindsight I realize that," Yu grumbled as he sat at the table.
"I dunno why, but my head's all bumpy," Teddie sighed rubbing his head.
"Those're lumps from the pails whacking you in the head. You got lumps, man. Ahaha…ha…" Kanji tried to laugh but it just died into a long sigh.
"Hey…guys…? Did you, uh…see anything?" Yosuke asked looking around at the others.
"No…" Kanji muttered.
"None whatsoever…" Teddie was clearly disappointed.
I got to my feet and gathered up my bag. Apparently they had walked in on the girls that had been in the hot spring but it should have been at a time that it was the guys turn. They certainly had bad luck...for me...I better take some time to accomplish something before turning in for tonight. Although I was hardly tired at this point. Must have gotten my second wind at some point.
"Where you going, Senpai?" Yosuke asked.
"It's still kind of early so I was going to order some Aiya and study for a bit," I said as I made my way to the door.
"Study? What for? Didn't we just get done with midterms?" Yosuke seemed confused.
"I'm a senior…in case you've forgotten the end of the year is going to come pretty quick and I have a lot of test in regards to my future coming up," I shrugged. "Besides I think the night air is pretty nice tonight so I wanted an excuse to head back to the balcony area on the base floor. And after today I feel like stretching my mind a bit. It's weird but it helps me unwind."
"Oh if you're ordering some food from Aiya then count me in," Kanji got to his feet.
"Now that I think about it I think some food might be a good way to forget the misfortune I've had tonight," Yosuke sighed but then grinned. "Alright I'll come to. You coming partner?"
"Sure, wouldn't be much point in coming here if we didn't do something a little bit enjoyable," Yu smiled.
"Well I'm not sure if it will be that entertaining but you're all welcome to join me," I shrugged as the guys all got up to follow me.
"Ooh! I want an extra-large beef bowl!" Teddie exclaimed as he followed.
"Alright, we'll order once we're down there, okay?" I couldn't help but laugh. Teddie was one of a kind, that was for sure. It really did make you wonder what he was. He certainly wasn't a normal existence.
"So Senpai…what are you going to do for your future?" Kanji asked.
We made our way out of the room and down the hall towards the stairs and then to the lobby. I wasn't sure exactly my answer could be. "I'm not sure to be honest," I shrugged as we walked out onto the balcony. "So I figure I'll just take everything I can and kind of see what happens."
"So you'll just decide as it comes, huh?" Yu chuckled a bit. "Are you sure you wouldn't want to go into the music industry?"
"Well sure, I mean part of me would love to do something like that. Being a manager would probably be fun…I've always enjoyed the business subjects but…I don't think I'm capable of doing it because of how social it is. And well other than you guys I'm not really good at that sort of thing," I said honestly as I took a seat and started pulling out some study books I had bought a couple days ago.
"I think you're better than you realize. But there is still plenty of time before graduation," Yu said as he pulled out his phone. "I'll place the orders to Aiya. What did you want, Senpai?"
"Hold on, who's ordering Aiya?" a collection of people entered onto the balcony. It was the girls.
"Hello Satonaka…and everyone else," I said as I opened one of my books.
"What are you guys doing?" Yukiko asked.
"Well Senpai was going to study and order some food from Aiya. So we thought we'd join him. But if you want to order something you got to pay for yourself," Yosuke quickly added the last part and obviously still sore about what had happened between them earlier.
"Where's Nanako?" Yu asked the girls.
"Oh she was getting tired so Rise-chan took her to bed," Chie explained.
I guess that explained where Rise was. I hadn't realized I had been looking for her until Chie had said her name. And there was still quite a misunderstanding between the two of us. And I had no way of knowing how to deal with it. I sighed as I pulled out my notebook from my bag. The others conversed for a bit as they decided what to order.
"What did you want from Aiya, Senpai?" Yu asked me.
"Just a regular beef bowl for me," I said.
"What are you studying, Senpai?" Naoto asked as she took a seat across from me.
"Right now I am studying the nature of memory. Essentially how our minds process and store information. It isn't particularly difficult. We just skim through most of this stuff though because this is more into the realm of psychology. You kind of get a lot thrown at you your senior year. They want you to have a little bit of everything so you can make an 'informed' decision about your future…or something like that," I shrugged. And I was still as clueless as to what I wanted to do with my life though...and with everything happening recently I felt I had even less time to think about it.
"Sounds like an interesting topic. So how does memory work?" Yosuke asked.
"Really, you want to hear?" I looked up but he seemed legitimately did seem interested.
"Come on, Senpai. Besides you'll still be studying by explaining it to us, right?" Naoto smiled.
Was this what its like to have friends? I hope I could have more experiences with them. But I guess there wasn't much time left in my high school life. Guess it was no less than I deserved considering how much of my life I spent pushing others away. I had to change...I couldn't just let life pass me by like I have in the past. I shook my head and smiled a bit, "Alright, alright. Let's see if I'm any good at lecturing."
A/N:
We go through quite a bit here...so there is a lot to sort through. But here we go. The Culture Festival here is pretty important which is why I spend a few chapters covering it. As this is also a bit of a transitional period to Rise and Kayane's relationship. We still don't really know how Rise feels for Kayane, and he has come to a conclusion that he wants to keep spending time with her...even if he doesn't really understand why. But some events happen in this chapter that begin to show just how difficult it can be.
It is stated in the chapter, but Kayane has no problems with Rise getting close when she puts the time in to slowly close that gap and make sure it isn't sudden. Naoto also comments later on that Kayane likely recognizes certain motions and automatically reacts...which is completely normal. If it is one thing we are good at as a species it is our ability to adapt...however our survival instincts can also develop in ways that work against us socially. This usually happens because of behavior that isn't really normal. When people think of a caretaker or guardian you typically associate that with an individual that cares and will protect you. That is how it is in almost all situations. However for individuals where that is not the case...where the caretaker/guardian is just as much of a threat to you as strangers it can cause many psychological problems when growing up, especially between the ages 3 to 11 where children are the most impressionable and is considered the most important time for a persons mental development. This time will develop the basis of the person you will become. Kayane was around the age of 8 or 9 when everything happened...far along in his peak psychological development period. (Many developmental psychologist argue which of the years are the most important but the age range is typically agreed upon. Further more it is still different from individual to individual.) That isn't to say it is impossible to change...but it becomes immensely difficult.
Naoto also points this out in her brief discussion with Kayane. But they don't get time to expand on this. And it will be difficult as Kayane literally has to fight his mind and its conceptions of what is safe and what isn't to re-teach his mind what is okay and what isn't. So we probably got a long way to go with Kayane and Rise. He'll be better at some moments and have better control...even appearing like everything is okay and better, but your mind and body doesn't forget what happened to you before and will always be worried about it.
Anyway I hope everyone is enjoying this so far. Thanks to everyone that has left me reviews, I'm glad you all take the time to read my story. I hope you'll stick with me as we get further and further into the story and our presented with all the hurdles that Kayane will have to face to truly get better. The journey will be rough and have its bright and dark spots. But no road worth traveling has ever been easy. So lets hope Kayane is ready to face it.
