(Trigger warning - self harm/cutting)

2/19/2000

My dear Hermione,

The memories I'm sending with this letter are those that I am least proud of and that in all honesty you were least happy with me and still in some way I think you understood. You told me you did after the fact anyway, after the war when we were able to talk, which wasn't often. Sixth year was one of the hardest of my life as I felt so alone and yet I always knew that I had you if I only asked for you to be there for me, that was what made that year slightly better than the following year. Still I wish I did not have to share these with you again. If you think less of me after you see them know that I think the same of myself.

Always yours,

Draco

They landed in a room with several four poster beds the green curtains a sign that they were clearly in a Slytherin dorm room.

The not so young blonde sat on his bed, head in his hands, looking up at the sudden crack, and gaping when Dobby appeared in the room.

"Master Draco sir, Miss Hermione is wanting to see you sir. She is sending me to tell you she wants to talk to you sir. She is very insistent."

Draco looked down at his forearm, what was there they could not see as it was covered by his long shirt, though the two exchanged a glance because they knew what he was hiding.

"I can't. I can't see her," he said quietly, "you have to tell her."

"No no no," Dobby replied. "No sir Master Draco is sure Miss Hermione will be very angry. Sir must go see her."

Draco just started shaking his head and repeating no. The little elf disappeared. What seemed only seconds later there came a crack and Dobby reappeared with Hermione at his side. He said to her, "You just be calling Dobby's name when you is needing to leave and I will be coming to get you." With that he disappeared again.

Hermione took out her wand and waved it at the door, sealing it so that no one else could enter.

Draco sat staring at her wide-eyed. "What are you doing here?"

She said, "I had to."

"You had to?"

"You wouldn't come out," she replied simply. "You've been avoiding me. You haven't even looked at me once since we returned. I had to know what was going on."

"It's for your own good. You can't be near me anymore. It's for your own safety."

"I can watch out for my own safety thank you very much. I'm worried about you Draco. You're not eating, you're not studying, you hide from everyone even when you're in the same room with them. What's going on?"

When he didn't respond she got down on her knees in front of him taking his hands in hers and looking up into his eyes, "Talk to me. I'm here. I love you! Whatever it is I can help you."

He jerked his hands out of hers and scrambled back on the bed furiously shaking his head, "No, no you can't help me! Not with this! You can't, no one can! No one can help me! You just have to stay away from me!"

"You're not making any sense," she said.

He closed his eyes for a moment then opened them and looked at her again, "You have to just trust me. You know I wouldn't lie to you, that's why I can't say anything more. I love you and I want you safe. I want you unharmed. You have to stay away from me."

"Voldemort," she fumed, "that's what this is all about."

He slid forward on the bed taking her hands once more, "Promise me you'll stay safe. That until this, whatever this is, is all over that you'll stay away from me. If he knew about you, about us, if he knew about us he would kill you or torture you. I don't think I could live knowing that it was my fault.

She slid her hands up his arms to give him a hug, when she saw him wince she drew back, "Draco?"

He hung his head and crossed his arms over his stomach not answering her.

"Draco?" she cried loudly then sat back and spoke much quieter, "You didn't… this isn't what I think it is. Please tell me it isn't. Tell me Harry is wrong. Tell me, Draco. You didn't, you wouldn't."

He refused to look at her and mumbled something that neither she nor the two adults in the room could make out.

"Draco, talk to me. What happened? You have to talk to me."

"He's living in my house. He brought other people and they're all living in my house. After the ministry, after father was sent... he moved in and brought Aunt Bella and several others."

"Voldemort?"

He nodded.

She put a hand on his knee, "We're here now. You're safe. Dumbledore will-"

He flinched at the man's name and began shaking his head vigorously, "I'm not safe anywhere and even if I were, he has my mother."

"We can help her. I have people I can talk to. We can get her out. We can be sure she's safe."

"No, I already did that. She's safe for now at least for a while."

"How Draco? What did you do?" fear was evident in her voice.

He didn't answer her aloud just pulled up his shirt sleeve.

At the sight of the dark mark she began to cry. They sat quietly for what seemed to be an eternity before she looked up at him with a tearstained face and asked, "Willingly? You did it willingly?"

He nodded and spoke at the same time, "I did it to save my mother. If I hadn't he would have killed her or worse, tortured her and made me watch. I'd do anything to save my mother, or you."

"You should have contacted me? Or even Harry. We could have helped you. We could have gotten you and your mother out, or if not us we know people who could."

He reached out a hand to touch her hair but pulled it back "I love that you would have tried but I wouldn't risk you either and there's no way you could have helped us. We can't even leave the house without supervision. After father, he doesn't trust us, he doesn't truly trust anyone I don't think. Do you see now why you have to stay away from me? He's watching me. There are spies everywhere, even here. And he's there when I go home. He's one of the best Legilimens ever. I'm working on my Occlumency I'm just not that good yet. I keep trying, but I've had to do it on my own I don't know who I can trust to help me, to truly help me. My mother suggested her sister as Bella is supposed to be really good but I'm afraid whatever she'd see she'd just tell him about. I don't want him in my head. I don't want him to see you. If he saw you I don't know what would happen. He obviously hates you anyway just for who you are. He would kill you just for that, but if you mean something to me I'm afraid that he won't just kill you. He might keep you and torture you. I can't worry about you and mother both. I just can't. You have to stay away from me, you have to stay safe."

"And what about you? Who's worrying about you?"

He shook his head, "This isn't about me."

"Yes, it is!" She insisted, "it's about you just as much as it is about your mother and me. Don't you think if he did something to you that it wouldn't hurt your mother? That it wouldn't hurt me?"

He dropped his head again "I don't have a choice."

"There has to be something we can do. There has to be some other way."

"There's not," he said in a voice devoid of hope. "This is the way it has to be. I have to do what I have to do to save my mom and I have to stay away from you to save you if I can. I love you. Please Hermione, please just please until this is over."

"And what if it never ends?" she whispered, "Or what if I lose you in the process?"

"Tis better to have loved and lost than -"

"Oh that's such bullshite," she roared. "Such utter bullshite!"

"Then you'd rather have never loved me at all?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"No," she reassured him. "No, I just don't want to lose you. This is all so mad. I see why so many couples married in a hurry the last time."

"Married?" his eyes went wide. "You've thought about marrying me?"

She blushed, "Can you say you haven't thought about it?"

"Of course I have, I just never thought you would accept. I think I've always been waiting for you to get smart and get away from me."

"Draco, you're worth so much more than you know."

"If you love me that much will you please do this for me. Please it will help keep both of us safe. I know Potter and Dumbledore and dozens of others will do what they can to stop him. I know you'll do whatever you can. Please be safe, please just stay away from me. Please let's just say so long for now."

"I hate this!" she rose and paced about the room, "I absolutely hate this!"

"But you know I'm right," he replied. "You know we're both safer if we're apart right now."

"Blast, I hate it. I don't want to admit it but you are right. At least as things are right now. That does it. I'll just have to help get rid of that that monster."

"And you'll keep your distance?"

"I'll still be watching over you. I'll still be watching to see if you're eating. I'll be keeping an eye on you in class. If you ever need me, ever you know how to get ahold of me. I keep this with me always," she pulled the sickle from her pocket and held it up raising an eyebrow in question.

"It's in my trunk," he answered her unspoken question, "I left it there over break. I didn't dare have it out. I'll keep it with me. If you're ever in danger use it or send me a patronus or an elf. I'll find a way to help you if I can. Know though if I don't come it's not because I don't care, it's because I can't."

She ran over to the bed and hugged him fiercely, "I love you," she said through her tears.

"I love you too," he whispered into her ear holding her tight for just a bit longer.

She stepped back and called for Dobby, he came, took her hand, and apperated her away. The whole time she kept her eyes locked with Draco's. When she was gone he collapsed over on the bed sobbing.

In no time they found themselves following a pack of Slytherin students. Draco was trailing at the back of the group. He slowed and stopped leaving Harry and Hermione to nearly run through him. When they looked back at him he had reached down and put his left hand in his pocket. The majority of the Slytherin crowd kept walking down the hallway but Blaise turned around and said, "Oi Malfoy are you coming or what?"

Draco raised his head and said, "I just realized I forgot something. I'll catch up with you guys." He turned and walked back down the hallway ducking the left into the boys loo. Harry went to follow but Hermione refused.

"Come on," Harry said, "don't you want to see what he's doing.?"

"Nope won't do it, I won't go in there. Besides she, or rather I, or whatever must have sent a message on the coin."

"You're really not going in?"

"No, what if someone else is in there. I don't need to see anything that's in there. It's not like it's Myrtle's loo where nobody ever goes."

Harry shook his head, "Look around you I don't think we have a choice and it's not like whoever is in there can see us so just close your eyes and I'll lead you."

"I hate this!" she snapped but closed her eyes and allowed herself to be pulled into the bathroom.

Shortly she felt herself being pulled back out of the room.

"It's safe now. You can open your eyes. You were right he was looking at the sickle. We're following him now to where ever it was she wanted to meet him."

They went up a set of stairs, down the hallway there, up another staircase, and down one more hall before they turned into the library and went to the hidden little alcove. All three entered and found young Hermione standing staring out the window. She turned when she heard Draco drop his bag to the floor.

She stared at him with her arms crossed over her chest. Finally she spoke, "Katie Bell?"

The shoulders dropped but he didn't answer.

"It was you," she said. "You could help her Draco. You could at least tell Snape what the curse was on that thing, even he doesn't know."

"I don't know either," he muttered not meeting her eyes.

"Then what were you doing giving it to her? How could you do something like that? Is it worth all this? Whatever it is your doing can't be worth this! She could die!"

"She won't die."

"How do you know that if you don't even know what the curse is?"

"She would have died already if she was going to. I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. And I didn't actually give it to her I just made sure that she would get it or someone would get it and carry it here."

"So it was supposed to come to school?"

He nodded in response.

"Draco? I don't understand. This isn't you! You wouldn't harm anyone. Why are you doing this? And don't blame this on your mother again. You know we can find a way to help her," she insisted.

"You can't help her. No one can but me. I don't know why I'm here. I only came because I knew you'd send Dobby after me."

"You really won't tell me what you're doing? You won't let me help you?"

"There's nothing you can do, and no, I won't tell you what it is. I have to do this for Mother's sake, for both of us. I can't fail. I'm sorry, I know this is hurting you. It's better if you just… if you…" he turned suddenly, grabbed his bag and ran from the space.

As the memory faded they could see Hermione collapse to the couch.

They shifted from being in the library to standing in the infirmary wing. They could see the blonde head in a bed nearest to them on the left. They heard the doors open, saw that it was just a crack and only for a few seconds before they closed. They heard the rustling of robes go past them to the bed where Draco was lying. All was quiet for a moment, everyone in the room looked toward Madame Pomfrey's corner. When no peep came from her direction an indentation appeared on the bed next to Draco.

"Hermione?" he whispered, "you shouldn't be here."

"I had to come. I had to see if you were okay after what Harry did to you."

Adult Hermione reached around and pinched Harry, who jerked and whispered, "I know, I know it was stupid. I've apologized a dozen times."

"I don't know what he did. I've never heard that spell before. It doesn't matter."

"What do you mean it doesn't matter? You're here rather than in your own bed. From what he said you nearly died."

"Potter was just defending himself. I nearly used an unforgivable on him. Maybe it would have been better if I had died."

"Draco! How can you say that?"

"It would end it. I wouldn't have to keep fighting. Mother would have no reason to stay. I don't know that she loves father enough to stay for him. At least she could try to get away. You would be safer. Everyone would be safer. I can't do it anyway. I can't do what I have to do. It would be better if I could just die."

They could not see the girl crying though they could hear it. They watched as Draco rolled over in bed put his arm around the invisible girl, "Hermione, stop. I didn't mean it. I don't really want to be dead. I just don't see a way out of this. Not a good way where everybody… please stop."

A wand appeared from what seemed to be thin air, then young Hermione removed the dissolution spell she had cast upon herself.

"It's ok," he said. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine you're here," she retorted, then froze.

No one moved as they heard the chair at the end of the wing slide back across the floor as Madam Pomfrey stood. Young Hermione quickly recast her disillusionment charm while Draco turned over away from her. As the witch walked down to check on him he tossed and turned a bit, muttering then settled quietly. Pomfrey came and looked him over then turned and began walking back finally ducking into her little room off to the side and closing the door all but a crack.

Draco turned back over as quietly he could, moving very slowly. He wrapped his arms again around the girl lying on the left side of the mattress. It seemed that he was brushing her hair off her face, he then leaned over and kissed her. No more was said as the scene faded and then rose once more in the same place. There was a hint of light coming through the windows in the infirmary. One looked to pierce Draco's left eye. That eye lid cracked open before slamming shut once more.

Again he opened his eyes and seeing the light he gently shook the girl sleeping at his side, "Hermione, wake up."

There was a bit of movement as she spoke, "What time is it?"

"I don't know," he replied, "I don't have my wand. You have to go now; the sun is coming out."

The indentation on the bed changed as the girl they couldn't see sat up, then stood. Hair was brushed back from Draco's forehead. They heard her whisper, "I love you. When you need me, let me know."

He didn't respond.

They heard her robes rustle as she past them rushing down the aisle to the door.

When the scene had finished changing again they found themselves standing in the Room of Requirement, in its Room of Hidden Things configuration. Both adults knew that somewhere in this room was the vanishing cabinet that was the way into Hogwarts for the Death Eaters on the night that Dumbledore died, but it was nowhere in sight. Draco was sitting on a neglected chaise in front of a pile of chairs, elbows on knees, head in hands.

Neither of the adults was surprised when young Hermione popped into the room at Dobby's side. She did not rush over to the blonde as the little elf disappeared, instead standing where she had landed.

"What can I do?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said not raising his head, "I just needed to see you for a moment."

"Then look at me," she said.

He peeked through his fingers and bangs to meet her eyes.

"No, I mean really look at me," she demanded.

Realizing that she was not going to come any closer to him he stood, dropped his hands to the side, and walked over to her stopping an arms-length away.

"I just needed a reminder. A reminder of what I don't know. I really don't know," he stumbled over his words, "I just needed to see you."

"So you didn't have Dobby bring me here to ask me to help you, to get you out of whatever this is?"

"No."

"Fine then I'm going," she snapped then turned and moved to the door.

"Hermione," he called out just as she put her hand on the handle.

She stopped but did not turn around and did not respond.

"I love you," he cried.

"I'm beginning to think if that those words don't have the same meaning for you as they do for me," she said, "goodbye Draco."

Tears fell to the floor as he watched her leave. He began to rage, throwing things around the room, screaming nonsensical things. They watched him destroy things for several minutes until he picked something up and went to throw it then pulled it back to inspect it closer. He ran his thumb over the edge of the piece of glass in his hand. As they watched blood swelled up on that thumb. Draco stood staring at the growing bubble of red until it ran down his wrist. This seemed to stir him out of the stupor he had fallen into. He gripped the piece of glass tighter and began to savage his arm with it, crying out in frustration when the skin with the Dark Mark healed immediately after each pass. He began to saw at his arm around the edge of the mark, blood spilled to the floor but his arm continued to heal. Screaming out he switched hands and began slashing his other arm.

"No!" Hermione cried and began to rush forward.

Harry grabbed her arm, "It's a memory remember, you can't do anything."

"I can't just watch!" she protested.

"We don't have a choice," he replied, "he wanted you to see this -"

Harry broke off when Dobby popped into the room, began jabbering wildly trying to wrest the piece of glass from Draco's hand, and finally popped back out.

"It's almost over," Harry said, "Dobby had to have gone for help."

"But who?" Hermione asked just as Dobby popped back into the room holding a protesting young Hermione tightly by the hand.

"Dobby take me back right now!" she insisted.

"NO!" he stamped his little foot and shouted, "not until Miss Hermione helps Mister Draco."

"He doesn't need my help," she snarled, "he doesn't want my help."

"He does need your help Miss, look at him, look at what he is doing, look look!"

As Dobby pulled her toward Draco she finally looked over at him. As she took in the scene before her, the boy scratching viciously at his arm, the blood on the floor, and his pallor almost completely colorless, her eyes went wide, her jaw dropped then clenched as she swallowed hard. Pulling from Dobby's grasp she pulled out her wand and shouted, "Petrificus Totalus!"

Draco froze and fell backwards onto the sofa that Hermione had summoned over behind him. She sat next to him and pried the glass from his hand smashing it into tiny pieces on the floor.

"Dobby destroy anything else he might hurt himself with," she ordered, telling herself she'd apologize to the elf later for not making it a request. "Draco, Draco what were you doing?"

She held his arm in her hands casting a quick spell to release just it, "Dittany, I need some dittany," she mutters as she uses her robe to staunch the bleeding, putting pressure on the wounds.

Dobby was suddenly next to Hermione, "Here Miss, here is some dittany. The room is all clean. Do you want me to go get Madame Pomfrey?"

Draco began to moan and grunt in earnest, eyes wild.

Hermione shook her head as she took the dittany and began to apply it to the blonde's arm, "No Dobby I think this will be ok for now, if I need anything else I'm sure the room will provide it. Thank you for everything."

"Dobby will do anything to help Miss Hermione and those she cares about like I will for Mister Harry Potter. Dobby will go now. If you need Dobby again, Dobby will come when you call," with that he popped away.

Satisfied that she had done all she could and Draco would heal, Hermione glanced around the room, saw a blood replenishing potion on the table, retrieved it and sat waiting for her spell to wear off.

"What is she waiting for?" adult Hermione hissed, "Why isn't she dispelling the petrificus?"

"Knowing you," Harry whispered, "I'd say she was giving herself and possibly him a chance to calm down before having any kind of conversation about what just happened. He's okay now, it wasn't as bad as when I cast the sectumsempra on him. At least he was bleeding slower, he should recover much quicker; I mean obviously he recovered we just shouldn't have as long to wait that's all."

It was clear when the spell released because Draco sagged back into the cushions.

"Here," young Hermione said handing him the potion, "before you say anything drink this."

He reached out weakly and took the bottle, draining it in a single swig, then leaned back into the cushions once more. After a moment he raised his arm to look at the healing lines reaching out with his other hand to run his fingers over them, curling his fingers under and running his nails over the lines gently at first then with increasing pressure.

Hermione snagged his hand away, "Don't. Let them heal."

He pulled his sleeves down and fisted the ends into his hands and looked down at the floor.

She stood and moved toward the door stopping nearly there, "Why Draco? Why?"

He shook his head offering no other answer.

"No, that's not going to work. I want an answer. Why would you do that to yourself? What is the point?"

He shrugged, "I don't know. I really don't."

She sighed, "And why that arm?"

"The other one kept healing on it's own. Once marked always marked, you should go. You should get as far away from me as you can and you should stay that way," he said in a low voice.

"Promise me you'll never do that again."

"I can't, I can't make a promise I can't keep, and I don't know that I won't try it again."

She crossed the room again, falling to her knees in front of him, peering up into his eyes, "Do you think this will make things better? Can you even imagine what I felt when I saw you this way? What your mother would feel if you died? Don't start again with she'd be free, that's just shite! She would spend the rest of her life grieving her only child. No parent should ever have to bury their child and knowing where she is and who is in control do you think he'd even let her bury you? You'd be a disgrace, you'd put your mother and your father in an even worse position with him, don't give him ammunition, don't give him more power. Just don't!"

"You're right," he whispered hoarsely.

"So you won't do it again?" she asked in a shaky voice.

"I'll try not to, that's really all I can promise, but I can promise that," he said refusing to meet her eyes.

She sat back on her heels and shook her head, "I guess I'm going to have to accept that."

No words were exchanged for several minutes, they just sat in the room with her watching him and him peering at her through the hair hanging over his downturned face.

Finally she stood, "I do love you and I really can't watch you do this to yourself, any of this. You know all you have to do is ask for help and we'll find a way to do it. We'll find a way to help you and your mother, even your father if you want."

He nodded but didn't reply.

She turned and left the room once again.

Shortly the two adults found themselves in the Slytherin dorms, specifically in the sixth year boys dorms. Draco stood near his desk, staring into an open drawer. He reached in a pulled something out that he then concealed in his right hand and pulled his hand up into his sleeve when Blaise and Theo walked in.

"Did you hear, Draco?" Blaise asked. "Slughorn nearly killed Weasley."

"Aw come on Blaise," Theo rolled his eyes, "Don't make it more than it is? It was an accident after all. The bigger thing is it means someone was trying to kill Slughorn and while I don't like him as much as Snape he is a former Slytherin and we should be watching out for who it is so we can make them pay."

"Well it probably wasn't a Gryffindor or they'd have warned Potter and Weasley," remarked the Blaise.

Nott shook his head, "Unless they didn't have time or didn't think of it. Come on, let's go to the Great Hall and see who looks suspicious."

Draco finally spoke, "You two go on ahead, I'll be there in a minute, got to use the loo."

The two young men left the room beginning to argue noisily as to who was at fault.

The blond sat on the edge of his bed, eyes closed, hands clenched, thumb running over whatever it was he held in his hand. After a moment of this he opened his eyes and his right hand, cupping it in his left. In the center sat his short silver knife used for potions work. The handle was cradled in his hand and the blade lay towards his body.

He sat and stared at the blade for what seemed to be forever to the two watching him before he picked it up in his left hand and whipped back the sleeve from his right arm. He held the point of the blade to his wrist, then slid it up to the middle of his forearm, and pressed just enough that they could see blood begin to ooze up around it. Suddenly he pulled back and reached into his pocket smearing the blood along his arm, now he held the Sickle in his hand. He looked at it only seconds before shaking his head and pocketing it.

Hermione began to cry and Harry put his arm around her and pulled her in close.

The young man in front of them again laid the blade to his arm but only held it there not pressing in. His head dropped to his chest, the blade was now held loosely in his hand between his legs, and he called for Dobby.

The little elf popped into the room, "What is you needing Mister Malfoy?"

Draco took a deep breath, "Take this knife please Dobby. I want you to bring it to me only before Potions class then come retrieve it after class, I have a promise to try and keep."

"Yes sir, Mister Malfoy sir. Does Mister Malfoy want Dobby to get Miss Hermione?"

"No Dobby," the blond said looking at the small wound on his arm. "Don't disturb her, I can take care of this myself. Just take that knife away."

"Yes sir," Dobby said and popped away.

Draco, alone again, stood and went back to his desk pulling out a small vial of dittany, took out the dropper and held it over his arm for a solid minute before putting the dropper back in the bottle and putting the bottle back in the drawer and sliding it closed.

With that the memories ended. Harry and Hermione found themselves back in the small room next to the table holding the Pensieve again. He gathered her in his arms as she cried and stood there shaking his own head. He had suspected that Draco was bothered by what he had been assigned to do sixth year by Voldemort. Bothered, ha that hardly seemed the right word. He knew the other man had been increasingly worried and distracted throughout the year and his only concern had been to catch him at his plotting. He'd never really thought about what it was the other man might be going through, even with all that had passed between them Harry now felt guilty for not trying harder to catch Draco at what he was doing so he could help him and Narcissa. He shook his head, there was nothing he could do to change the past but he could continue to do whatever he could to help Hermione now. He had an idea, a trip to Kingsley's office tomorrow would be in order, all he had to do was find an appropriate excuse. In the meantime Hermione needed comforting.

"Mione, he's fine now. He stopped, you saw that," he said trying to sound positive.

She wiped her eyes and protested, "But he didn't heal that spot. He probably left it that way on purpose. He may have picked at the scab that formed, keeping it an open wound."

He squeezed her arms, "He was wearing short sleeves when I went to see him in the States, and I didn't see anything on his arms, even the Mark has faded to the point that it's barely noticeable unless you know it was there. I'm sure he's stopped now."

She laughed ruefully, "Harry I love you but you're not the most observant of people, it's something you could have missed easily."

"Really I'm unobservant when it comes to Draco?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

Again she laughed this time more genuinely, "Did you ever notice how he disappeared off the map at the same time I did? Did you ever notice how he was watching me whenever we were in the same room? Or did you just think he was watching you and plotting against you?"

"Ok fine," he rolled his eyes, "I did have a bit of a one track mind back then but I've been through auror training now and observational skills is a large part of the job. Besides you can ask him. I have a feeling he'll be completely honest with you, if he weren't going to be he would have never sent those memories."

She nodded and said quietly, "Thank you."

"Love you Mione."

"Love you too Harry."