2/20/00
To: dlm80ATyahooDOTcom
From: hg79ATyahooDOTcom
Re: speechless
Dear Draco,
I'm still trying to process the memories you sent. I don't know what to say. I don't know what to ask. I know I have questions but I don't know where to start so I'm going to start with something that is essentially inconsequential. How is it you knew Alfred Lord Tennyson? He's a muggle poet? I'm sure it must have struck me odd at the time but with everything else going on I'm going to assume I never asked how you know that line so I'm asking now. Even if I had asked you at some point I suppose I wouldn't know anyway so again I'm asking now. More questions will follow as I have a chance to sort through my thoughts but let's start with simple.
Hermione
2/21/00
To: hg79ATyahooDOTcom
From: dlm80ATyahooDOTcom
Re: unwritten questions
Dearest Hermione,
I'm going to start by answering the question you asked and then answer the ones you didn't ask but that are obviously ones you want to ask or will ask after you've thought about it for a while.
First I must admit I did not, until you asked, know who Alfred Lord Tennyson was. I had merely heard that line many times, now of course I know who the man is and have looked in to some of his other writings.
Now to answer the questions I am sure are circling through your head because they were some of the first questions you asked me after the war. I had thought about sending that memory along with the ones you just watched but for some reason held them back. I will still send them if you'd like but I'd also like to try to answer right now
Do I still cut myself? No, not since after the trials. There were times when I was locked up at the manor while awaiting trial that I might have had they not removed anything we might have used to do harm to ourselves. I was so sure I'd be locked up in Azkaban for life or given the Dementor's Kiss, I slipped into a state of numbness I guess is the best way to put it. I needed to feel something but the only thing I could do was press my nails into my skin as hard as I could or use parchment to give myself papercuts to try and feel something even if just for a bit. The only time I've even come close to the thought of harming myself was when Potter brought the letter from you about your Obliviation but as he was here it passed quickly and then I was preoccupied with the idea of getting you back, and getting you back to yourself.
Did I continue to cut myself sixth year? No, but had I not handed Dobby my knife, had I not promised you I would try not to I probably would have. I settled for doing exactly as you expected me to do, or so you told me after the final battle, I wouldn't let that scab heal. I picked at it almost daily, keeping my hands up under my sleeves so no one would see. It wasn't much but it was enough at the time. I know that doesn't make sense but it did to me then. It was a coping mechanism.
Did I cut myself seventh year? Here is where I disappoint you. I've seen the look on your face once when I said yes, I can clearly picture it now and I hate to make you feel that way again but I won't lie. He was living in my house. My aunt was living in my house. I watched him kill so many people, and torture so many others, he made me torture so many. It was the only way I could get through. At the time it felt like it was only fair, it was punishment for what I was doing to others. Even when I was at school there was no escape with the Carrows in charge of discipline. They took it too far for even old Filch who always wanted to hang us up by our thumbs in the dungeons. Pansy caught me after the first time I had to use the Crucio on a first year. I'm surprised I didn't bleed to death before she got there, it was worse than what you saw in that memory. She healed me, said nothing at all to any adults but she did tell Blaise and Theo. Strangely or maybe not she never said a word to Vince or Greg, no one did.
I learned Occlumency nearly as much to keep that from Bellatrix and Voldemort as I did to keep them from learning of our relationship. He had learned or created, I don't know which and it really doesn't matter, a spell that reopened old wounds. It was nearly as bad as the Crucio. Actually you should see if you can find out what it was, I don't remember the incantation, maybe Mother does, but it should be added to the list of Unforgiveables. He could direct it at particular wounds or open any and all wounds you'd ever had. One time I wasn't doing a good enough job of torturing someone for him and he cast it on me. Before I knew it my chest was sliced open again as if Potter had just cast the Sectumsempra. Please for Merlin's sake do not tell him that. Bloody Potter will feel guilty and try to make it up to me somehow and he's long since gone above and beyond on making anything up to me. He's already apologized to me once for what happened, I don't need him doing it again, especially since I was just as much to blame for that whole incident. Before I could block my thoughts Bellatrix was able to pull that one from my head and pass it on to Voldemort. She made a habit of verbally harassing me about all of my failures, including that one.
No I haven't spoken to a healer about my cutting. I would if I still felt the urge to do it but I haven't since the trials ended. Even at my most stressful times here I haven't felt the need to hurt myself in any way. We talked about that before and you urged me to see a healer then though I don't know that any healer would see me for that and I was afraid it would be used against me in court, just another reason to lock me up.
I'm going to send you the letters I have that we exchanged while I was under house arrest. You probably gave the letters I had sent to you to Harry or the Minister for safekeeping, unless the Wizengamot was smart enough to take them when they had you Obliviated. I'll make copies of the letters you sent me, sorry don't want to send the originals, and drop them in the post with the fastest international shipping option I can. Don't feel the need to reply to me until you have read them. If for some reason you can't get my letters to you, I can send you the memories of when I wrote them and you should be able to read them over my shoulder as I wrote them. Let me know if you need those.
I guess that's all for now, but if you have other questions send them whenever you want, as they come to you or in one long list. Take as long as you need before you reply.
Always yours,
Draco
2/27/00
To: dlm80ATyahooDOTcom
From: hg79ATyahooDOTcom
Re: still processing
Dear Draco,
I know you said take as long as I needed before replying but I must apologize for it being nearly a week. I have read your email multiple times trying to understand what you felt and why you felt the need to hurt yourself. The package of letters has come in the post and Harry has given me copies of those you wrote to him. He demonstrated unusual for him at the time quick thinking, he made copies before bringing the originals to the Wizengamot. They didn't even ask him about making copies, guess no one thought the Golden Boy could be so sneaky.
They are sitting here on my desk just waiting to be read. The only thing I've done with them so far is to put them in the order they were sent. I've picked the first one up a few times to read and put it back down every time. I have no idea why I haven't been able to bring myself to start reading, they can't possibly be worse than the things I already know from the transcripts or the memories I've already viewed. Maybe it's because it feels so private, like I'm reading someone else's private thoughts and they're my own. It's all so frustrating. Still no change, no memories returned, well not no change I guess as I have started to notice those small changes like hair color in my memories but nothing big, no sign that they will ever return. I want to scream!
I will read the letters in time I promise, for now I'm going to just be thankful that you are so willing to be so open with all of this.
I would still recommend you see a healer if for no other reason than to find some other coping mechanism should you feel the need to hurt yourself again.
I thought of returning to our "speed dating" get to know you game but that seems so superfluous right now so I'll close by saying I will write again soon though about what I don't know.
Hermione
2/28/00
To: hg79ATyahooDOTcom
From: dlm80ATyahooDOTcom
Re: plenty of time
Dearest Hermione,
Take all you need, there is no rush. I can't return to England until my apprenticeship is finished so we can't see each other until then and even then I'm willing to wait as long as it takes and if the answer is never while it will make me sad I will also understand.
Your suggestion that I see a healer in case of future issues… I haven't yet but I am thinking about it. I may start though with the internet and possible NoMaj coping mechanisms.
I don't have much else to say other than, Martha is letting me do more and more of the work on my own without watching over me or having Terry watch over me. It's almost relaxing to be able to just do what needs to be done and talk when we can.
How is your work going? Are you out of your mind yet with the bureaucracy? I don't know how you do it. Even if I had been able to stay, even if the war had never happened I don't know that I could have ever worked at the Ministry. Honestly I'm relieved to not have to keep up the family "business" all that pureblood political buggery is just nauseating and exhausting. It took me too long to realize that but now that I do I want nothing to do with it.
If and when you decide to continue the speed dating thing you can just send an email and we'll pick it back up.
Always yours,
Draco
3/4/00
To: hg79ATyahooDOTcom
From: dlm80ATyahooDOTcom
Re: I've done it
Dearest Hermione,
I spoke to Martha yesterday and explained our concerns about my self-harm issue. She recommended a healer and I have scheduled an appointment for next week. I am still also doing some research on non magical coping mechanisms, but I wanted to let you know I'd taken your advice.
Always yours,
Draco
P.S. the first step they say to stop or cope is to confide in someone so I guess I've done that, at least three people know now.
P.S. 2: Did you muzzle Potter? I'm rather surprised I didn't hear from him about the cutting memories, he and his need to save everyone
3/6/00
To: dlm80ATyahooDOTcom
From: hg79ATyahooDOTcom
Re: glad to hear it
Dear Draco,
I'm proud of you for sharing with someone else and seeking assistance. When you talk to the healer ask them about the possibility that you would suffer from PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. It's a fairly well known mental illness or disorder in the Muggle world but seems to be less so in the magical world. It used to be known by other names I think but often those that have been through a war suffer from the symptoms. I've noticed some of them in myself and more in Harry. I wouldn't be surprised at all if you suffer from them as well.
Very funny, I didn't muzzle Harry, didn't even need to. He was comforting me. As we watched the memories he was reassuring me he hadn't seen any signs of you continuing when he was there in the States to see you. He probably thinks because there are no signs that you're fine. I on the other hand know that things can sneak up on you out of nowhere and the feelings can be overwhelming. All the more reason I'm happy you're looking for more information and support.
No, I haven't read the letters yet. I will, eventually.
Hermione
3/7/00
To: hg79ATyahooDOTcom
From: dlm80ATyahooDOTcom
Re: will do
I will ask about PTSD. I did just a bit of research and I don't think I'm showing any of the symptoms but I guess they can take a while to appear sometimes. There is a delayed onset PTSD as well though it seems more rare. I will keep an eye out for the symptoms though and I will talk to the healer about that.
I don't know that I can say Harry is right and I'm fine but I am better. Please don't worry. Though now I must say I am worried about you if you're showing signs of PTSD. Would you tell me about it if you're comfortable doing that? If not I understand so long as you tell me you are talking to someone about it.
Always yours,
Draco
3/7/00
To: dlm80ATyahooDOTcom
From: hg79ATyahooDOTcom
Re: don't worry
Dear Draco,
No worries I'm keeping a close watch on Harry and he's keeping a close watch on me. While we have each had nightmares, neither of us have had any other signs. We have each other to talk to about those though. It helps.
Ok on to another topic. I have a question for you after reading through the trial transcripts if you're willing to answer that is. I understand that it may be painful and I don't want to cause you any nightmares so if you'd rather not then please say so.
Hermione
3/7/00
To: hg79ATyahooDOTcom
From: dlm80ATyahooDOTcom
Re: ask anything
Hermione darling
I'm sure I've said before to ask me anything and I meant it. Answering your questions can't be any more harmful than searchin my memories to find the right ones to send to you. That has only led to a nightmare or two. I'll do my best to answer as completely as I can.
Always yours,
Draco
3/8/00
To: dlm80ATyahooDOTcom
From: hg79ATyahooDOTcom
Re: just one question
Dear Draco,
Well this will be one question but in parts and I'm not sure how many parts there will be until I ask so I'll just do that. During the trial both Ginny and Neville testified that when the Carrows made you perform the Cruciatus on other students that you didn't really do it or it wasn't full force, how did you manage that? How did you get the young ones to go along with it if you couldn't talk to them about it, or did you somehow talk to them? Harry also said when he could see in his mind what Voldemort was seeing he saw you using the same curse but that it was real not faked. How did you do that? Why the difference?
Hermione
3/10/00
To: hg79ATyahooDOTcom
From: dlm80ATyahooDOTcom
Re: ummm
OK so this wasn't the easiest question to answer but it also wasn't the hardest I could be asked. I did have to think about it for a while to try and sort it all out before I was willing to reply. I wanted the answer to be as complete and accurate as possible. With Voldemort there was always the fear of him not being satisfied and aiming his own wand at you which was just as likely to be an avada as a crucio. He was also an accomplished Leglimens and while I had gotten to be a good enough Occlumens that he stopped trying to get into my head he would go for the person I was torturing. It was something he truly seemed to enjoy, adding terror to their physical pain. The Carrows weren't smart enough either one to even try or they would have because they enjoyed torture nearly as much as he did. As for the first years, it was just wrong. I think even when I was doing it or Voldemort I knew the person I was torturing was someone who had committed horrible acts on innocent people so they deserved it, or at least that's what I told myself. The firsties were just so young and innocent. The first time the Carrows made me do it I got lucky, Greg and Vince were having the time of their lives and Neville was absolutely refusing to do it at all. I couldn't do it, you have to mean it and I didn't. I kind of hissed to the kid, a Hufflepuff, to just fall down. His eyes went wide and he just stood there so I stepped just a bit closer and said it again and pointed as subtly as I could to the poor Gryffs at the end of Crabbe and Goyle's wands. The kid flopped back and I pointed my wand at him and he just laid there terrified. I could see the Carrows coming over out of the corner of my eye when Longbottom yelled again so they went to beat him. I was able to tell the kid to twitch. When it was over I told Theo, Blaise, and Pansy what I'd done. Overall it's true Slytherins hold no love for the other houses, though they hate us too but none of us felt right about torturing little kids. I thought about sending you that memory in addition to the ones you'll view tomorrow but decided I'd wait and see if you want to view it. I hope that answers your questions. I guess I'll hear from you again after you view the memories though I understand if it takes a while or you choose not to.
Always yours,
Draco
