A/N Thanks to ledanna for the Birthday Party prompt, I hope it doesn't disappoint.
It's Wednesday after work so y'all know Daryl and Merle are at that little dive bar having a cold one.
"So what've you n yer cute little ball-buster been up to this week Baby Brother?" Merle has a way with words.
"Ya know Merle, one a these days yer gonna slip n call Beth that to her face and that's when she's gonna bust yer balls, with the pointed toe a them cowboy boots" and they both laughed at that, but they knew it was the damn truth.
"Thing about my Beth is, I swear ta the almighty the woman conjures up ideas in her pretty little head she knows will just mystify the fuck outta me," and he shook his head side to side.
"Oh yeah, what's she conjurin' now?" Merle took a swallow of his brew, cuz damn, that's what they was here for.
"Couple a things. Crazy as this sounds, she wants ta put D.J. in some baby survival swimmin' program down at the recreation joint. I told her I'd take the little fella down ta the creek and teach him everythin' he needs ta know 'bout survival swimmin', just like I learned it. But she said it ain't the same. Well I guess it ain't cuz my way's free an her way's gonna cost me a $175.00 every fuckin' month," Daryl took a gulp of his beer. "Then I told her what about all them little fellas in that pool at the same time shittin' their pants and what not, that don't seem like any kinda good idea ta me. She said they's all gonna be wearin' somethin' called a swim diaper and wasn't gonna be no poop in the water. Yeah, we'll see 'bout that."
"So I'm guessin' ya wrote the check just like little ball-buster told ya to, huh," and Merle started laughin', you know how he does.
"Fuck yeah, I like her lovin' on me, so I try hard ta keep her happy," Daryl grinned.
"Well ya know my woman can't swim a lick. Course she didn't tell me that 'fore we got married, now she wants ta take swimmin' lessons. I told her she didn't need no swimmin' lessons she has them natural flotation devices," And Merle was cackling now, cuz y'all know how he is.
"So I'm guessin' ya wrote the check just like Cindy told ya to, huh?" Daryl chuckled and took a drink a beer.
"Fuck yeah I did, I like that good lovin' as much as you do little brother, that there is the Dixon way. When it comes ta the women, we're lovers, not fighters!" And then they high fived, cuz ya know, sometimes they both act like dumbasses.
"So what's the other thing little ball-buster has conjured up for ya ta be mystified about?" Merle ordered them each one more beer.
"This may be right up there in her top five craziest notions; she's plannin' on throwin' a great big damn party for D.J.'s first birthday. I thought it was just gonna be family comin' by ta wish the little fella a Happy Birthday an eat a slice a cake, but the girl has officially gone Birthday party insane. Shit, the boy ain't ever even gonna remember any of it. She's invitin' all them Moms and all their kids from D.J.'s play group. Shit, I don't even know what a fuckin' play group is, but there's gonna be ten a them little yard apes, an she says their Moms n Dads will all stay, an probably if they got brothers and sisters their all gonna come too," That required Daryl to take a large gulp from the brown bottle.
Merle in his wisdom remarked, "Hell, I's planning on bringin' a case a beer over, but now I guess I better bring a damn keg." And no, he wasn't jokin'.
"That's the worst part brother, Beth says she don't want no drinkin' at the birthday, says we'll act like a buncha redneck fools and them folks won't let their kids be friends with D.J. I ask her why she wants ta pretend we're sumthin' we ain't, n she just looked at me like I's dumber than a box a rocks and walked off," that there required another big swallow.
"Well fuck little brother, I guess we'll all get drunk after the party," Ya know, sometimes Merle ain't a complete dumbass.
Daryl got home and there was his Beth just puttin' the finishin' touches on some fried squirrel and biscuits. She was wearin' them short shorts an a belly shirt with them cowboy boots, and she walked right over, give him a big ol' kiss, told him she missed him taday, and he knew why he went along with every crazy fuckin' thing she conjured up and never objected, out loud anyways.
"Hey Baby, dinner smells almost as good as you," and he stole one more kiss, then went over to D.J. an give him a big ol' Daddy hug an ask him, "How's my boy doin', ya do everythin' Mama told ya to taday?" and D.J. just smiled and giggled cuz he knows how ta warm his Daddy's heart.
xxxx
Saturday morning an Daryl is tellin' himself, if I can just get through this fuckin' Birthday party I'll be good for a year.
That's when disaster struck.
It seemed D.J. had discovered how ta flush the toilet. Little fella didn't know how ta use the damn thing, but he knew how ta flush it. Daryl told him he was puttin' the cart before the horse, but D.J. just giggled.
Anyways, it appears that he has flushed sumthin' down there cuz the toilet ain't workin' anymore. No sir. And Beth is panickin' cuz she figures they got close ta 40 people gonna show up for the Birthday party of the century (Nah, she didn't call it that, he's just thinkin' that) and they only got the one toilet, and Daryl, ya know, bein' a Dixon an all, well sometimes he can be a dumbass too cuz he says ta her, "Well they ain't gonna be drinkin' no beer so they ain't gonna need the bathroom anyway," course when he saw her face he did not laugh at his joke. Even though he thought it was pretty fuckin' funny, cuz now, ya know, maybe he is an idiot, but not a complete idiot.
Anyway, he redeems himself by remindin' her, "Baby, Merle owns a plumbing business for hell sakes, I'ma call him right now and tell him ta get his ass over her and fix this shit," and he almost laughed right then, but he's tryin' ta get back on her good side.
Merle was there in no time, with his official plumbin' truck and all. He soon discovered the trouble, cars.
Yep, that's right. D.J. for reasons only he would ever know, had decided ta flush every damn Hot Wheel he had, and he had plenty cuz he loved them things and all, right down the toilet.
No wonder it was clogged up. Let that be a lesson kids, don't be flushin' cars down the toilet.
Merle was just a laughin' namin' every make n model as he pulled 'em from somewhere deep in the workin's a the toilet. Beth was puttin' up with his nonsense, cuz, ya know, he was gettin' the job done an savin' the day an all.
So anyway, back ta the party.
Everybody come over at noon. Daryl was in charge a grillin' the hot dogs. Now they had regular ones for the grown-ups, but she cut the kids' dogs in half the long way. When he'd questioned her she told him she didn't want no kids chokin' on hot dogs at their house. Seemed reasonable.
Anyway, Daryl managed ta do a terrific job a grillin' up the dogs an everyone was eatin' em with Beth's tater salad and a big fruit salad her Mama had brought over. Only thing missin' was Cheetos. But he didn't say nuthin', sheesh, you kiddin'?
The other thing Mama had brought was a chocolate n peanut butter pie just for Daryl, it was hidden in the fridge. He loved Beth's Mama.
Anyway there was plenty a food ta go 'round an everyone seemed ta be havin' a grand time. Oh he knew he an Merle, n Cindy, n Glenn n Maggie, and heck, even Beth, all wished ta hell they had a nice cold beer ta go with their dogs, but they'd make up for it later.
Then a car pulled in the driveway, Daryl swore it was that same janky little dude from the convenience store, and he was carryin' a big case a some kind. Y'all remember him, Daryl bought a shitload a snacks from that guy back when his Beth was in the eatin' junk food phase a the pregnancy. Well so anyway, he an Daryl gave each other the head nod.
Then the guy commenced ta blowin' up balloons n twistin' 'em all manner a ways, n makin' little hat things for the kids, an little animals, an Daryl wondered, is Beth payin' for this shit? An then he remembered, nah, I'm payin' for it. But it seemed ta be makin' the little ones an their tight-ass parents happy, so what the fuck.
Then there was the Birthday cake. Beth had outdone herself with that sonofabitch. He didn't think their weddin' cake was any fancier than this shit here. It was made ta look like a race track, n there was little hot wheels s'posed ta be racin'. He didn't dare look at Merle cuz he knew he'd get ta laughin' an Beth wouldn't be happy one bit. No sir.
So he just sang Happy Birthday ta his boy right along with everyone else an then boom, D.J. stuck his hand right in the cake.
Now Daryl thought maybe that would upset his Beth, but she just said, "Now D.J., you have to share."
And all the tight-ass parents chuckled, and Daryl didn't look at Merle.
"Bout the time the party was breakin' up Beth's Mama said she and Hershel would sure love if they could take D.J. home ta spend the night with them. Daryl suspected Mama knew some serious drinkin' was gettin' ready ta commence an her precious grandson would be a whole lot better off somewhere else.
Anyway, he said he'd take him on in get him cleaned up an what not, ya know, like pack him up a little bag n stuff. Anyway, so he's in there an he's changin' the diaper an he's packin' the bag n he's talkin' ta his boy, ya know, a father/son kinda talk. So he tells the boy, "D.J., ya done a naughty thing taday when ya flushed them cars down the toilet. See here son, that kinda stuff makes Mama all manner a shook up, an you never wanna upset yer Mama, she's the most important woman we got in our life son. We got ta treat her right, show her how much we love her and what not, K?" and the baby just giggled and Daryl give him a big ol' Daddy hug.
What Daryl didn't know, was Beth and her Mama had started down the hall ta see if they could help him get D.J. ready, they heard what he said ta the little fella. Beth's Mama squeezed her hand and they both smiled and had maybe just a tear or two in their eyes. And Mama whispered, "You have a good husband Bethie."
So I don't have ta tell ya that once all the tight-ass guests had left, and Mama and Daddy Greene had left with the Birthday Boy, the real party started. Merle went out ta his truck n got the cooler out the back, it was full a beers on ice, and Glenn went out ta his SUV and got his cooler fulla beers on ice, and Daryl went out ta the work shed an got his cooler fulla beers on ice. "Hello Georgia it's Saturday Night!"
And Daryl got that chocolate peanut butter pie outta the fridge, an he didn't even bother ta slice it, he was just eatin' it right outta the pie plate witha fork and drinkin' his beer. And there was Merle sittin' over there eatin' a big ol' helpin' a Beth's tater salad with a big ol' hunka cake, drinkin' a beer.
And Glenn just looked between the two of them and asked, "How the hell do you guys do that? Eat sweets and drink beer."
And Daryl n Merle just shrugged an kept right on a eatin' sweets an drinkin' beer.
Then Merle brought in the case the janky little white dude had at the party. Turns out he'd traded him a 12 pack a beer ta get ta use it for the night. And they's all blowin' up balloons n tryin' ta make animals n hats n what not, only one that come close was Cindy. Merle said, "Maybe ya oughta practice that shit some more, then you can start earnin' money an make enough ta pay for them swimmin' lessons yerself." And Cindy punched him in the arm, and he just laughed an give her a big ol' bear hug.
His Beth was sittin' in his lap, which is his favorite place for her ta sit. That's when Beth said to him, "I've taken D.J. out of swimming lessons Daryl. We got a refund."
He tried not ta act happy when he asked, "Why Baby, I thought ya was all sold on the idea."
And his Beth looked right at him an said, serious as could be, "Yesterday when D.J. was having his lesson, and you know I have to be in the pool with him, and one of those babies pooped their pants, and it must have been diarrhea, because oh my God, it was just everywhere. I hurried and got me and D.J. out of the water, and ran us in the shower room, and we rinsed off real quick. Then I got us home and gave him a really good bath. Then I took a shower, and I used Lysol. I was so freaked out. Oh Daryl it was the most disgusting thing ever. I still feel like I want to puke."
And no, Daryl did not laugh, and no, Daryl did not say I told ya so. (I think we should give him a standing ovation, cuz, ya know, that had ta be tough) Cuz Daryl was hoping that later she was gonna show him how much she loved him for cookin' all them damn hot dogs, and not sayin' 'I told ya so,' and what not.
Instead he just said, "Damn Baby, I'm real sorry ya had ta go through that, that there is just terrible." And he hugged her tight and kissed her. Cuz, ya know, he's not a complete fuckin' idiot.
And then she got up for a minute, and damn if she didn't go right in there and get him a Jack n Coke. Shit, like it was his birthday.
Then she set right down in his lap again and he was a sippin' that drink, but then she snuggled in and whispered in his ear, "You're the best husband in the whole world Daryl, and I'm going to show you just how much I love and appreciate you tonight."
And he looked at her, tilted that glass up, sucked that beverage right down, picked her up and carried her in the bedroom.
The others all looked at each other cuz they knew they wasn't gonna see Daryl n Beth again that night. Merle turned up the radio.
A/N Well there ya go just another day in paradise. Just FYI, I personally have experienced both the Hot Wheels in the toilet incident, and the baby pooping in the pool incident, cuz life can't ALL be good times :-)
