A/N Did someone say it was Wednesday Night? Let's go kids, they'll be here any minute!
Ya almost forgot didn't ya? Well thank the Good Lord ya got me ta remind ya - it's Wednesday night! I know all y'all know what that means, it's practically time for those Dixon Brothers ta show up at that nasty little drinkin' establishment over there in the seediest part a town. I know ya know the one, don't bother tryin' ta pretend ya never been there. At one time or another, damn near everyone in the county, well except most a the women, has stumbled into the Mad Dawg for a frosty one.
Just cuz it stinks like dead fish have been smokin' cigars in the joint, well that don't make it all bad. Why? Ya know why, the beers are cold and they're cheap, and barkeep, he just keeps 'em comin' 'til ya tell him ta quit, or ya run outta money, whichever comes first.
So anyway, ever since Older Dixon got that sassy lookin' wife a his all knocked up, 'bout four months ago, Young Dixon has definitely turned the tables on him, been havin' hisself a real good laugh at ol' Merle's expense. Why Merle ain't even hardly got the energy ta say a "Fuck you Baby Brother," ta Young Dixon.
So anyway, back ta the story, y'all know how easy I get distracted, so Daryl, he was a little late leavin' the factory cuz Big Boss had ta talk ta him 'bout a couple things, one of 'em bein' a big new contract they just landed, yep, more jets going out the door, more money in everyone's pocket. Ain't nuthin' wrong with that right there.
Oscar, ah yes Oscar, he had a little news for Daryl and the boys too. Why when Young Dixon come walkin' in the tavern, n I don't think we need ta discuss that walk a his do we? Damn. Okay, so anyway, when he walked in there, Ol Merle he was already at the bar with a half empty brown bottle in front a him. Daryl barely got his ass, n a fine ass it is, on the bar stool 'fore barkeep had a frosty one in front a him.
"What's up Big Brother? Oh yeah, never mind, I remember, Cindy called my Sweet Baby n told her, she put yer balls in a jar in the back a the fridge, said she don't plan on givin' 'em back ta ya any time soon." I swear I ain't kiddin' ya one bit when I tell ya, Daryl cackled.
Well what I ain't gotta tell ya is, everyone in the bar was lovin' this shit right here, cuz there was not a one of 'em that at one time or another hadn't been on the receivin' end a some smart ass shit comin' outta Merle's big mouth. Thing was, there wasn't one a them foolish enough ta give him any shit back, n well, ya know, risk the ass kickin' of a lifetime. So what I'm tellin' is, they was all feelin' special gratitude n deep admiration for Daryl Dixon. He was the only man alive willin' ta give a ration a shit ta Merle Dixon, n damn if he didn't smile when he done it!
They was all on the edge a their seat, waitin', n ya know, undoubtedly hopin', Merle'd take a swing at Daryl, just for shits n giggles, n everyone took a big swallow in anticipation.
But damn the luck, that ain't what happen, Ol Merle he just looked all kinds a down n out n he said, "If that woman don't quit pukin' soon I don't know what I'ma do brother. I know she's sufferin' n all, but she don't care I'm sufferin' right along with her. I can hardly keep my own damn breakfast down."
Guess what Young Dixon did then, ya can't, can ya? Okay then, I'ma tell ya n ya ain't gonna hardly be able ta believe it, but I ain't lyin', really, he done it, he started laughin' n I mean laughin' hard, n ain't nobody that knows Young Dixon that don't also know he don't laugh out loud, much less laugh hardy. "Merle yer a fuckin' dumbass, I swear, ya ain't got the sense you was born with. Nuthin' 'bout you matters no more, ya done yer part, ya ruined her life cuz yer the mutherfucker went n knocked her up n caused every problem she had, has, or might have. Yer the most worthless piece a shit on this earth brother. Yer just gonna have ta learn ta accept it."
Everyone, includin' the brothers, nodded n took a long pull from their brown bottle.
Then Daryl, he clapped his brother on the back, n said, "I do have more'n one item a interestin' news I could share with ya, these things, well they might temporarily take yer mind offa the terrible facts a yer current life, ya know, like ya ain't got no balls, yer woman is pukin' up her guts on the regular, n yer the no good rotten sumbitch responsible. So, ya wanna hear?" Yep, there wasn't n ear in the joint that wasn't perked up n listenin' now, includin' barkeeps, n everyone took 'em a refreshin' swallow.
"Fuck yeah I wanna hear, what's up Little Brother?" Poor Ol Merle, he was needin' a distraction.
"Well, Oscar, he told us all today we're invited ta his weddin', thing is, the weddin' is Saturday, cuz guess what? Ruby give him a ultimatum. Seems Ruby got tired a him just enjoyin' all that sweet luvin' she was givin' him, n I s'pose he was givin' her, but what he wasn't givin' her was a weddin' ring. So guess what she told him? She told him she was gonna run his ass off, get her a new man, a man who appreciated her enough ta make the big commitment. She told him he could just go on ahead n fuck hisself. Well Oscar, ya know he loves that woman, hell everyone's known that for a long time, shit they been shacked up five years. Guess he thought it was all good, she thinks they need paperwork ta prove their love. It's what ya call a little difference of opinion. Anyway, Oscar don't want ta lose his Ruby, so he has decided he sees things her way. So the weddin' is Saturday, 6:00 in the evenin' at her Mama's place, followed by cake n punch. But after we all make nice for Mama, guess what? Party at Oscar and Ruby's place. Oh, yeah, n he wants you n Cindy ta come."
"Sounds real good, I'm sure Cindy will be glad ta get outta the house, just hope she don't puke on anyone." And Merle and Daryl both started ta cacklin' then, cuz I know all y'all know, they're a pair a dumbasses. "What else ya got ta cheer me up Little Brother?" I don't think I gotta even tell ya, all ears perked, n everyone took a little pull on the bottle.
"Well I can't even get this, it's the weirdest fuckin' thing goin', but Big Boss got us in a little meetin' n said we're all goin' ta be happy ta attend a function next month, ya know, like we ain't got no choice, like it's a duty n all. Anyway, I guess it's real important ta Mrs. Big Boss that we all go n 'ooo n ahhh' n a buncha shit like that, cuz guess what? Go on Merle, try n guess, I'll bet ya a case a beer, ya can't."
"Fuck brother, I got no idea what ya even just said, just spit it out for crissake, I'ma have ta go home sooner or later." Geez Merle, ya lose yer damn sense a humor?
"Yer a dumbass Merle. But I'ma tell ya, cuz why the fuck not? Ya got enough problems, what with havin' no balls n whatnot. So as I was tryin' ta tell ya, he told us we all got ta spend a Saturday evenin' goin' ta a big blow out for him n Mrs. Big Boss, gonna be at that fake church place, ya know, that big ol' flashy weddin' chapel joint they built offa Fifth Street? There's a big ass reception hall there too. So anyway, Big Boss n Mrs. Big Boss are gonna have a ceremony, just like they're gettin' married, but it's called a vow renewal."
Now lemme just pause right here boys n girls n share with ya the fact that the boys down at the Mad Dawg was all lookin' every kinda confused, apparently vow renewal ain't a popular activity among the clientele.
Now as Daryl was sayin', "So they're gonna be doin' this thing it's gonna be just like a weddin', but it ain't a weddin', cuz, a course, they're already married. Then there's gonna be a big ol' party after in that hall, just like a weddin' reception. There'll be food n booze n music, the entire nine yards. N here's the damn icin' on the cake, Big Boss is payin' us all overtime ta be there, ya know, just so Mrs. Big Boss is happy with the turn out n all the support as her and Big Boss prove ta all a us how much they love each other n whatnot. Oh, n you n Cindy are invited too, but he ain't payin' ya."
Merle, why he was a laughin' out loud for the first time in a long time, n he kinda put a voice ta what everyone was thinkin' when he said, "So, we got these married people, they're constantly fuckin' 'round on each other, n now they're gonna spend a shitload a money ta prove ta us dumbasses who take our luvin' where we're s'posed ta, they're gonna prove ta us how much they love each other by puttin' on a big fake weddin' n gettin' drunk – is that what we're sayin' here?"
"Well, ya, but when ya say it like that, ya take all the romance right outta that shit." Oh yeah, ya know it, I knew ya did, the brothers was a cacklin' ta beat all.
xxxx
Why Daryl was feelin' damn near chipper when he walked in that front door, n there was little ol' D.J., playin' with them trucks n there was a episode a sumthin' called Team Umizoomi on the T.V. Now that was some crazy stuff there, a guy needed ta be eatin' them illegal mushrooms ta figure that shit out, or be a little fella, cuz D.J. seemed ta think that was real good entertainment.
He walked on in the kitchen n there was his Sweet Baby standin' there at the stove, n I don't think I got ta keep tellin' ya, he went up right behind her, n he slid that hand up the inside a that pretty little leg n right on over ta that sweet spot right there, n he just give it a friendly little rub, while he was kissin' n maybe suckin' just a little on her neck n her ear. Damn if Sweet Baby didn't moan n say, "Oh Daryl, I've been missing you all day." Well shit howdy, this was gonna be a good night at the Dixons!
She turned 'round n wrapped them pretty little arms around his neck n she was a kissin' on him like he was the hottest fuckin' thing on the planet, n he maybe mighta had a hand slid up under her shirt, ya know, just fiddlin' around with sumthin' he found there, when dang, didn't little ol D.J. come a toddlin' in, n say, "Hungee Mama."
Daryl, now he bent on down n he tickled the little fella's side n he asked him, "Son, do ya hate yer Daddy, is that it? Is that why ya never wanna let me have no fun?"
Ya know Little Man, he was just a laughin' n a clappin' n didn't he just grab Daddy's nose n give it a big ol' squeeze.
Daryl looked at Sweet Baby n he said, "Ya been teachin' the boy ta hate me, haven't ya?" N then the whole damn family was a laughin'.
So while they was eatin' dinner, n it was a good one too, she'd made a pot a spaghetti, now he n D.J., they loved that shit right there. In between shoveling in them noodles, n slurpin' 'em right down, he was tellin' her 'bout the two big weddin's they was invited to. She was a laughin', which was makin' Little Man laugh, n she said, "I have a feeling Oscar and Ruby will be taking their vows a bit more seriously." Ah they was havin' a fun evenin'.
While he n Little Man played more trucks, n watched Peppa Pig – now Peppa Pig was one a the only modern cartoons he liked cuz Peppa, her brother George, n Mama n Daddy Pig, why they all liked jumpin' in mud puddles, Daryl could relate ta that, so while they enjoyed that, Sweet Baby was cleanin' up the kitchen n talkin' ta Mama Greene 'bout watchin' the little fella while they went ta the weddin's. 'Course, Mama and Daddy said yes right away. Everyone loved D.J., happiest baby that ever was.
Then she come n got D.J., cuz ya know the poor fella was gonna have ta take a bath. Daryl would never understand this obsession his Sweet Baby had with bathin'. Anyway, he was watchin' a little BBQ Pittmasters on the TV 'till she come in n told him it was story time. Daryl did love him some story time. She read sumthin' 'bout a hungry caterpillar n D.J. was out like a light halfway through.
They barely made it out ta the hallway when Daryl let out a low growl n said, "Aw fuck Sweet Baby, all I wanna do is rip them tight ass jeans right offa ya n renew my vows with ya, right here, right now." N Sweet Baby, she didn't put up no kinda fight at all, she'd been thinkin' 'bout his good lovin' all day.
xxxx
Everyone managed ta act real nice n proper durin' Oscar n Ruby's ceremony, n the punch n cake followin', after all, they was all Southern born n raised, they knew how ta act in front a someone's Mama. Even Cindy, she managed ta make it to the bathroom in time ta do her pukin' in there, proper-like n all. But then a course, they all went over ta Oscar n Ruby's for the real party. Besides all the booze that Oscar had socked in, everybody seemed ta have brought a bottle a liquor or a case a beer, n snacks, there was every type a chips n dips, cheese n crackers, little tidbits a this n that, ya know the drill.
And there was all manner a celebratin' goin' on n everyone was gettin' just a little buzzed, n the radio was cranked up, n all a them well-wishers was a drinkin' n pretty soon, the dancin' started. Even our favorite redneck was all about dancin' up close n personal. The abundance a the touchy, the feely, the general ass grabbin' n promises a undyin' love n sexual favors was proof positive, romance was in the air!
Daryl got his Sweet Baby home, via one sadly sober Cindy, n they hardly got in the damn door 'fore they was a rippin' each other's clothes off so they could prove just how happily ever after they was livin'!"
xxxx
Now Big Boss, he had instructed his men they was ta wear their best clothes n their women was ta do the same. What did he think, they was all a buncha idiots that didn't have enough sense ta dress up proper for a fake weddin'? Well yeah, that's what he thought, I guess.
After that last little incident at the Hard Times, Daryl needed a new dress shirt, cuz ya know, among other things that happened that evenin' he may have, in his understandable haste, well he mighta ripped all them buttons off the other, n maybe he tore that shirt a little, ya know, just cuz he loves his Sweet Baby so much n all like that.
So Sweet Baby, she'd changed things up a little, she bought him a black dress shirt and a black silk tie. Now Daryl, he wasn't big on the idea a wearin' a tie, but she rubbed up to him n said, "Please Daryl, just put it on and see if we like it." Well, y'all know how she has that power over him, so he did, 'course she tied it for him n all. Then didn't she look at him, get up there on her toes, with one hand roamin' somewhere else on his anatomy, n didn't she whisper to him, "You look so hot right now, I think I'm going to lose control just looking at you."
Well yeah, yer right, he's wearin' the fuckin' tie, he's not a complete idiot ya know. Sheesh.
Sweet Baby was wearin' that red hot dress a hers and that was makin' Daryl all kinds a red hot his own self. They was in for a good evenin'.
But anyway, I can't be thinkin' 'bout all that right now, we got a fake weddin' ta attend, down at the fake church where I s'pose ya go if they don't want yer ass at no regular church. But I ain't one ta judge.
So anyway, let me just tell ya kids, that fake church was decorated like some royalty was gettin' married there that very evenin'. There was every manner a flowers everywhere a person could find ta put a big ol' bouquet a flowers, n there was the white tablecloth lookin' things ta walk on, and there was 'bout nine gazillion fake candles just a glowin' up there on the fake altar a the fake church.
Some usher folks they musta hired or sumthin' was tellin' everyone where ta sit n whatnot. There was a shitload a people there too, Daryl n the boys was all wonderin' if Big Boss had ta pay all these folks ta attend. Daryl was mighty sad ta learn he n Sweet Baby had ta sit right up front. On the rare occasion that Daryl Dixon did attend a church service, he was more of a back row kinda worshipper. But I guess bein' Little Boss come with all manner a extra responsibilities n such.
So there they all was, wishin' they was at the Hard Times gettin' shitfaced n participatin' in general mayhem, when music started ta play. Pretty soon Big Boss he comes in the side door there near the fake altar, him n Big Boss Son. Beth was just thinkin', "Oh my gosh, his son is his best man." She couldn't help herself from givin' Daryl a little nudge in the side. Meanwhile, our boy Daryl just kept tellin' hisself he just had ta get through this n then a frosty one was awaitin' with his name all over it. But he hadn't counted on the choir folks that come a walkin' in the other side door near the fake altar, n they was all in full choir regalia – satin robes n the whole enchilada.
They commenced ta singin' a tune in some foreign language n it was real nice n all like that, but damn, our boys was just a squirmin' in their seats wishin' they was anywhere else, preferably with a frosty brown bottle ta their lips. 'Cept for Axel n Doc Carol, they was just cuddled up there in the corner a the pew, Daryl was sure Axel had his hand somewhere it didn't belong, not in a church anyways, even if it was a fake church. But fuck, at least someone was havin' a good time.
So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so after the choir sang two, that's right, TWO, foreign songs no one understood a fuckin' word of, somewhere a organ started playin' that music, oh I can't think a what the hell it's called, but all y'all have heard it 10 gazillion times, ya know, that Here Comes the Bride music.
So now out starts comin' bridesmaids n groomsmen, that's right, all a that, n these bridesmaids n groomsmen, they all look like teenagers n 20 sumthin's. And these poor young gals are all dressed in red satin dresses, but they ain't sexy like Sweet Baby's, oh hell no, they're gigantically fugly. They got these enormous full skirts to 'em, and they look all manner a puffy, but they can't hope ta match the puffiness a the sleeves – damn kids, those sleeves was HUGE. Just ta add ta the overall ugliness, they had a huge sash kinda thing around the waist n, oh yeah, I ain't lyin', it's tied in a humongous bow in the back. That's the kinda dress a woman gets home with n she don't even take it ta the Goodwill, cuz she knows they're gonna have ta just throw the fuckin' thing away, ain't nobody ever gonna want a ugly-ass thing like that, so ya just throw it away yerself, ya know, ta save Goodwill the trouble.
So the last bridesmaid in is the Big Boss Daughter, n then, ah yeah, y'all saw this comin', a little flower girl spreadin' rose petals, then boom, The FAKE BRIDE. Oh Dear Lord in Heaven above, I wish ya coulda seen it. The weddin' dress looked like sumthin' from a Disney princess movie – it was a lot like them bridesmaids dresses in fact, 'cept it was white as snow, like, the fuck? Is that cuz Mrs. Big Boss is a virgin n all? Well besides that, what we gotta think about here boys n girls is, Mrs. Big Boss she has ta be pushin' close ta 50, which is real fine n all, 'cept this here dress, well if anyone on this planet was ever gonna look okay in a dress like that, they better be no more'n 18 years old, n no bigger than a minute.
Now let's also address the fact that Mrs. Big Boss she has them big pink torpedo titties, and they are just all but completely popped out a the top a the dress, just the nipples ain't quite escaped yet, but the boys all knew right then, them titties was gonna be makin' an appearance at some point this evenin'.
Our boy Daryl was tryin' so hard ta be respectful, he had a family ta support n whatnot, but fuck he wanted ta laugh so bad it was causing him pains, he didn't dare look at any a the boys, n Sweet Baby, she was no help at all cuz ya know what she done? Well, she had her face buried in his chest n she was a holdin' up a Kleenex to the side of it like she was so moved she was cryin' her eyes out, but really, she was laughin' her ass off.
Well then they went n did the whole 'til death do us part thing, n they even did that unity candle stuff, n then Big Boss kissed her, n as weird as the whole fuckin' thing was, at least it was finally over, n they could all go have several adult beverages, cuz Lord knows, they earned the overtime n the booze.
Well a course the reception hall was even more decked out than the church, n there was tons a real nice food, but mostly what the gang cared about at this point was gettin' good n drunk, that's what they needed after what they just witnessed.
So needless ta say, everyone is gettin' three sheets ta the wind, n everyone is havin' a real swell time, cuz the booze is free for gawd sake, n the band is playin', n the gang is all playin', n there's a little gropin' n feel coppin' goin' on, n everyone is dancin' around, n Oscar n Ruby they're out their puttin' the smooth dance moves on when Mrs. Big Boss gets right in between the two a them, n she's a lookin' right at Oscar, n she's shakin' them shoulders, just bendin' over a little n shimmyin' at him, when fuck a duck a tit pops out.
Now Ruby, she was already fit ta be tied, but that done it for her, her last straw was more'n broke, she grabbed a holda Mrs. Big Boss, n she drug her ass outside, n she put her up against the wall, n Mrs. Big Boss was lookin' rightfully scared shitless, plus her tit was hangin' outta her dress n all, n Oscar, he didn't know what ta do, n everyone else – cuz ya knew everyone else was gonna go out there too - was just standin' around, includin' Big Boss, n Ruby said in a voice that demanded attention, "Ya stay away from my Oscar ya horny bitch, he's my man n I got the paper, the ring n the nightly lovin' ta prove it. Next time you come a puttin' it out for him, I'ma put you out for good."
And then Ruby just walked right up ta Oscar n got him in another one a them hot as fuck lip locks, n shit if she didn't slide her had right down in the front a his pants. Now Oscar, he didn't fight it or nuthin', cuz he didn't want her all pissed off at him, 'sides, it was all feelin' just right ta him.
So, that's when the party really got started, everyone went back ta drinkin' n dancin' n touchin' n feelin', thinkin' they was all bein' so damn sneaky, ya know what I'm sayin', hell, even Merle n Cindy was a carryin' on, n she wasn't even drinkin'. Axel n Doc Carol, they slipped in that coat closet and it sounded like them coats was takin' a pretty serious beatin', n everyone was real fuckin' grateful they didn't have a coat in there.
Daryl was out on the dance floor with his Sweet Baby, n all y'all know how the man gets ta that point, ya know, when he's several drinks in, n Sweet Baby's in his arms, n she looks so damn hot, n she thinks he looks so damn hot, n his mouth just naturally wants go ta her neck, n her ear, n her pretty little mouth n just be kissin', n suckin' n nibbilin', n his hand just wants ta go ta that tight little ass n grab a handful a that n pull that lower body a hers tight into his, so she can feel just how much he loves her n all. N that's when he said, "Sweet Baby, I got ta get yer pretty little ass home right now so I can renew them vows again, I got the need." She didn't put up a fight.
A/N That's exactly how it all came down, ya can't make this stuff up. Thanks so much for reading, please review xo
