Had the ceilings always looked this way? Were they always that horrid cream colour? Jo had never spent much time looking at them but now she couldn't seem to look anywhere else, hours ticked by in silence as she stared up at the wall, as if at any moment all the answers to all her worries were written across them.
"You haven't said much…"
She whispers as her eyes flicker down to Meredith who was staring out the window, watching as the hospital continues to move around them. She'd sat with her this whole time, held her hand as one of the doctors from the clinic had gone through all of Jo's options, never saying a word.
"What is there to say?" Meredith frowns, turning her gaze to Jo. She holds her card close to her chest, never letting Jo see her true feelings.
"I don't know you could tell me what to do."
Raising her eyebrows Meredith lets out a deep sigh shifting in her chair. "Is that what you want?" She asks taking hold of Jo's hand and she gives her a sympathetic smile.
"I dunno…maybe." Jo shrugs, avoiding Meredith's gaze she leans down to pick at the threads on her blanket. "I just want someone to tell me I'm doing the right thing."
"Whatever choice you make will be the right thing."
"And aborting this fetus...this baby?" Jo gulps loudly, she was trying to keep her focus on the medical side, the acknowledgement that she was only five weeks pregnant, she had every right to make the best choice for herself she knew this but every time she closed her eyes she couldn't stop picturing a little baby with Alex's eyes and nose staring back at her, a little friend for Mia running around the house filling it with more laughter.
"There's no shame in abortion Jo...if that's what you're worried about."
Jo knows that I mean she really does know that, if anyone else was in her situation she would say the same thing, and yet she can't seem to escape the feeling that something wasn't quite right like she couldn't find peace with her choice, the longer she thought about it the more clear it became that no matter what choice she made she was gonna hurt, she had to figure out which one she could live with, survive with.
"I know that...I've had one before...with Paul." Squeezing her eyes shut Jo feels a single tear escape down her face. "I just could never imagine bringing a child into that world." She whispers her chin trembling as she speaks, her free hand ghosting across her stomach lightly. "I knew I could never keep that baby safe, it would always tie me back to him."
Meredith nods, leaning over the table to grab Jo a box of tissues. "I get that...you made the best choice for you back then, you did the best thing for that little life because you knew it couldn't be brought into this world, but it is different now."
Jo scoffs, wiping away her tears furiously. "Is it? Sure there's no immediate danger but I'm a single mother, who's holding so much baggage I could topple over any minute." It's not like Jo is about to crumble any second, she's come a long way since her breakdown but she knew mental health was a delicate balance, one that she couldn't afford to tip the scales on, especially when she had Mia. She was a single parent, it was her or no one and she was just so scared to risk uprooting the world she had built for her daughter.
"Hey don't diss being a single mother you." Meredith smiles softly if anyone gets the struggles of feeling like you're doing it alone its Mer. "You are far stronger than you give yourself credit for and you aren't alone, it takes a village there's no shame in that. I had three on my own and you know I'd never have managed it without everyone." She pauses faltering as her eyes flick towards the door, she'd told him to go home not that he'd really had a choice he was seconds away from Bailey calling security when he'd finally stalked away. "And he'd be there you know...for you and the baby."
"Who said it was his?" Jo mumbles, she knows that look, it's the same look everyone gives her when he's mentioned, its pity. Lifting her hand away from Mers as her fingers trace over her lips, a nervous habit she always did when she didn't wanna talk.
"Who are you kidding Jo?" Meredith scoffs, cocking her head to the side as she gave her look and clearly indicated Meredith knew all she needed to know. "This is Alex we're talking about, you don't think for a second if you told him you were pregnant that he wouldn't be there for you."
"That's the point I don't want him here." Jo whimpers, grabbing another tissue as fresh tears began to fall. "He doesn't wanna be here, he left me and this pregnancy this just feels like I'm trapping him into a life he's already said he doesn't want."
"You know that's not true," Meredith whispers with a sad grimace, leaning back in her chair as Jo shrinks away from her.
Sniffing loudly, Jo turns her head back up towards the cream ceiling, the hot tears splashing against her cheeks as she willed them to stop. "I don't think I'll survive it Mer, I don't know if I can carry his baby...cause I know he'd step up, that he'd be around to split his time between this one and his kids but that's not what I want, that's not what he wanted, if he wanted our kids he could've stayed." She mumbles the last part quietly, long gone were Jo's daydreams of having Alex's babies, they'd gone with the realisation he didn't want a life with her, he didn't want children with her, he wanted one family...with Izzie. "What if this baby becomes a constant reminder that I wasn't enough for him?" The fall into the silence, as Jo's eyes flick down to her still flat stomach her hand skimming across her waist.
Meredith's eyes follow Jo's hand is it races across her stomach. "You make whatever choice you wanna make it's your life and your body but if you're comparing this baby to your pregnancy with Paul, then you should remember that even if you and Alex are over, you had a once in a lifetime kinda love and any baby that comes from that isn't a burden on anyone's life."
Jo wishes that was true, wished that any baby that came from both Jo and Alex wasn't coming from a place of pain and hurt but how could that be, every time she looked at him it hurt, every time she looked at him it felt like she'd been stabbed through the heart, the only reason she'd slept with him was because she wanted the pain to stop, it had been six years and it didn't hurt any less then it did when shed first realised he'd left her, sometimes it was easier to manage, sometimes she couldn't feel it over moments of happiness but when it was quiet and she was alone the hurt seemed to pop back up to remind her she wasn't quite enough.
"I want the pain to stop that's why I slept with him in the first place."
Nothing works nothing makes it hurt less it just hurts all the time every minute of every day and sometimes she don't notice like with Mia or in surgery but every day she wakes up with this heartache and it's him and it not fair but it's true. The truth is Jo's not sure she'll survive having his baby...not now...not like this.
"That I do understand." Meredith nods, giving her hand another squeeze as she stands. "You get some rest okay? Nothing has to be decided now."
It was late when Meredith finally arrived home, her heart heavy with days events. She knew she'd have to talk Alex and she wasn't looking forward to it, she prided herself on being fluent in Alex Karev, fluent enough to know there was no good ending to what she was about to say.
She found him in the living room, feet propped up on the sofa, an empty beer bottle on the counter and a bottle of whisky in hand, he'd made himself at home it would seem, it was as if he'd never been away.
"How is she?" He asks gruffly when he hears the door shut, his eyes flicking back to Meredith as she shrugs out her jacket dropping the keys on the coffee table as she plops down beside him.
"Hello, Mer...how are you?" Meredith rolled her eyes taking the bottle from his hands, feeling the liquid burn down her throat, ignoring Alex's burning gaze as he waited for her response. "She's okay...I see you sniffed out the good stuff."
"I wanna talk to her." He mutters, sitting up from the sofa he runs a hand through his hair, his eyes looked red as if he'd been crying and the sight scared her. Meredith had rarely seen Alex cry in all the time she'd known him, she wasn't sure what to do with a crying Alex. "I know..I know about the baby Mer."
"Mhmm because you stole her lab results." Meredith nods wincing as she takes another swig of the fiery liquid, needing some dutch courage for what she has to say next. "I have to tell you something okay? and you need to stay calm while I do."
Alex frowns sitting up straighter, he watches as Meredith hands the bottle back over to him, urging him to take it as she clears her throat. "You are such an idiot do you know that?"
"That's what you've got to say?" Alex exclaims, snatching the bottle back, taking a sip for himself.
"No it isn't but I need you to know how annoyed I am at you and how much I think you're a giant douche bag," Meredith mutters shaking her head, sinking back into the couch she rubbed her eyes furiously.
"Get to the point…" Alex growled. He was sick of this whole day so he didn't need bullshit riddles and half-answers, everything was messy as it was, right now he needed Meredith to be the straight-talking best friend he'd always known.
"She's having an abortion...tomorrow." She whispers, avoiding his eyes she stares straight ahead at the TV, winching as she hears Alex's sharp intake of breath.
"She wants an abortion?" He chokes, his knuckles turning white from we're he gripped the whisky bottle. Meredith medley nodding in response. He could feel his heart rate increasing as the sick feeling grew in his stomach, the urge to hit something becoming too much, as Alex took several shaky breaths, reminding himself he's no longer that person as he thought of his nieces and nephew asleep upstairs.
"Tomorrow?"
"Yes."
"Okay" Alex nodded his eyes turning dark, like all feeling drained from his body as he was just numb staring out into space.
"Okay? that's it? I was expecting to hold you down, run you over to stop you from getting to her. I was expecting an Alex Karev explosion and what you're just okay?" Meredith exclaims slapping the slide of his head snatching back the bottle as Alex remains there's motionless, the only movement is his eyes watering.
"I'm so far from okay Mer." He whispers, his voice hoarse his hands balled into fists at his side. He wasn't angry at her, he was angry at himself and it overwhelms. him.
The scary realisation hits him in between waves of anger, he loves her...still, deep down he knows it's not fair and it's not the same as it was but he does love her and no matter how much time apart she will always be important to him.
"I don't have the right to be upset or angry, I did this to us and burnt every bridge we had."
He'd done it on purpose. Back then it has seemed like the best idea, to ruin everything they were because he thought if he didn't burn them to the ground he'd never be able to stop himself from coming back to her
And that still hadn't worked. Clearly.
"I'm here for her, that's why I took this job."
A sharp slap to the back of the neck has him screeching in pain as looks at Meredith incredulously "Oww what the hell Mer?"
"Everyone knows that you idiot." Meredith rolls her eyes, taking another shot as she shakes her head at Alex who's grumbling to himself, while he rubs the back of his neck.
"I just wanted to make sure she was okay and I've even managed to screw that up." He grumbles, sighing as he takes the bottle back from Meredith, how many times had he sat in this living room a shared bottle of whatever alcohol was available talking through his screw-ups? and how the hell was he still here doing it?
"Look, she would've been pregnant either way, for what it's worth I think it's good that you're here because you have a chance to make this right," Meredith says in a soothing tone as she stands patting Alex on the shoulder giving him one last look before she retreats up the stairs leaving him to drown his sorrows in peace.
"Jo...can we talk?" Alex had been pacing the doors outside the clinic all morning, he had no idea what time her appointment was so since six o'clock this morning he'd been outside waiting for a glimpse of her.
"I'm actually on my way." She mutters, her eyes are wide like she's surprised to see him there as she looks down towards the floor. She looks tired, shes dressed in leggings and an oversized sweatshirt, her hair messy and untamed like she hadn't brushed it yet as she clung to her bag strap, trying to make her way around Alex.
"To get an abortion I know...Meredith told me." He mutters coming to stand directly in front of her, his eyes still red from his night of torment.
"She had no right to tell you that…" Jo whispers wrapping her arms around herself keeping a barrier between herself and Alex.
"But you knew she would," Alex grumbles, he wants to reach out and wraps his arms around her, hold her close and hope both their pain disappears but he knows he can't. "Look I don't wanna upset you anymore than I already have I just need you to know that I understand...I understand and it's okay and I'm sorry that we ended up at a place where you would ever even consider…"
"Alex stop," Jo hisses as she glances around, she doesn't exactly want this to become hospital gossip but more than that she doesn't wanna hear it, she doesn't want any heartbreaking speeches or apologies, this is hard enough.
"And I know it's my fault that we're here but I wanted to tell you it's your choice, your life and your body and if you want I'll go in there with you, hell I'll hold your hand if you want me too." It will kill him to do so but he can do it for her if that what she needs.
Jo grimaces taking a step back further away from him. "I don't...I don't want you anywhere near me,"
Sighing Alex swallows loudly nodding as he watched how horrified she was at the thought of him comforting her. "Okay then I'll go...but Jo if you're doing this just because you don't feel like you have someone to help you and support you and be around, I'm saying you've got that in me." He whispers, shoving his hands in his pockets, to stop himself from reaching out for her.
"It's just too late, I've heard your promises before Alex and I've watched you break every single one of them."
"I know that...but Jo-"
"-No, it's your turn to listen to me...you...you asked me to love you enough to let you go and I did, I let you go, it was the hardest thing I had ever had to do but I did it." Jo voice cracks, biting her lip to stop herself from sobbing, as streams of tears flowed down her cheeks. "Every broken promise you have ever made still haunts me, so forgive me for not believing you when you promise to be there." Jo snaps her facing twisting up in disgust as she shakes her head at him in disbelief, of course, he'll be here now but not when she needed him.
"I just wanted you to know you had a choice and I know I've fucked up before, those promises I made I had every intention of keeping them."
"But you didn't...you didn't keep them Alex" Jo cries, tears dripping down her face, she could taste the salty tears on her lips. "You didn't keep them…"
Alex nods his lips pressing into a thin line. "I wanted to." He whispers meekly, his hands reach out on instinct to wipe the tears from her cheeks.
"You wanted to?" Jo laughs, throwing her head back, pushing away his outstretched hand. "You could have. You had every opportunity to treat me like the person you claimed to have loved so much but you didn't. You threw me away like I was nothing to you...like it was the easiest thing in the world." She spits raising her voice, not caring about the attention the pair were now receiving.
Alex opens his mouth to respond but nothing comes as his eyes flick around to the small audience they seem to have found.
"I counted the days you know."
His eyes brows crease, count what?
"16 of them," Jo whimpers, her lips trembling as she speaks. "16 days from when you called Izzie to when you left."
He swallows deeply finally understanding what she meant, he wants to turn away, he wants to run but he's frozen on the spot, all he can do is watch Jo cry.
"16 days you lay beside me in bed knowing you had a family that you were gonna leave me for." She chokes, her voice breaking as she covers her mouth, she wasn't sure if it's her over-emotional state or the pregnancy that made her double over, the overwhelming need vomit taking over her body as she continued to sob. "16 days spent telling me you loved me and you were lying to me." She cries, heading towards the closest trash can as she feels the sick rise in her throat.
Alex comes up behind her, he says nothing as he places a hand on her back his hand sending shivers down her spine.
"You just left...You let me think you were lying dead somewhere on the side of the road while you were with her and I will never ever forget the pain you made me feel." Jo whispers, the nausea subsiding as she turns around inches away from his face, she watches as a single tear dropped down his face.
"Josephine Wilson" Turning slightly to see around Alex, Jo nods towards a nurse standing near the doors of the clinic.
"Go home Alex, kiss your kids, tell them you love them because that is the choice you made and it is a choice that I am not in and neither is any child of ours."
This was tough to write, mainly cause I'm either drunk or hungover, so drink responsibly kids.
Sorry, it took so long, I have got a good portion of chapter 8 written so I'm excited about that. Also, there are more one-shots going up on my Tumblr this week that have been requested by other Jolex lovers so be sure to read them...because the only payment I get is your validation so.
You can follow me on Tumblr odd-birds-and-booksellers
Or Twitter oddbirdsandbook
Or Insta homeisatmutli
Because you can have quicker updates that way, and you get to see more Jolex crap that I post.
I gave you everything
But it wasn't good enough
It's just too little too late
JoJo - Too Little To Late
