Jo felt another trickle slip down her cheek as the door clicked shut, signalling the doctor had left. Squeezing her eyes shut she tried desperately to quiet her mind. It was done now. Her choice was made that was it. Sitting up slowly she grabs a hold of her head, the overwhelming dizziness blurring her vision, she should have let Mer come with her. She just couldn't face anyone else's disappointment over her choice, no matter what anyone said about her choice to terminate the pregnancy their faces showed a different feeling.
"What are you still doing here?" Jo mumbles surprised to find Alex sitting directly outside the room, his head in his hands. His words had been replaying in her mind the whole time she was in there, she'd expected him to have made himself scarce.
If you're doing this just because you don't feel like you have someone to help you and support you and be around, I'm saying you've got that in me.
He looks up slowly, his eyes are red-rimmed, they probably match hers. As their eyes meet the hospital quiets around them, like everything seems to blur out of focus and all she can see is him. "Thought you might need me…"
"I already said I didn't."
"Yeah well, I can tell when you're lying...your nose scrunches up slightly and you suck in your bottom lip." He mutters pointing slightly at Jo's twisted face, making her turn away from him. Watching as another woman leaves one of the clinic rooms, Jo studies her, watches as she thanks the doctor, smiling away without a care in the world. She seems fine, she doesn't seem to be going through the torment Jo is. Or maybe she is. It's not exactly like you can read someone's pain from the outside.
"It just didn't feel right to leave."
Jo nods turning back to Alex, she went through waves of wanting to scream and cry and yell at Alex and then there were those small moments where she wanted to crawl into his arms and have him tell her it was all going to be okay. "I didn't do it…" she mumbles weekly pulling at the sleeve of her jacket as Alex's head jolts up. "...I couldn't go through with it."
She was going to, she really was. She thought it was the best for her and Mia but she got in there and they began to check how far along she was and the curiosity in Jo won out. She had to look and the minute she had it was game over. There were a baby...her and Alex's baby and all those fears about being around Alex and being a single mother of two simply faded away. There was a tiny life, half her, half Alex, full of hope and light, how could that be an inconvenience on anyone's life? "I saw the stupid grain of rice on the screen and I couldn't do it." It had been nothing, literally the slightest smudge on the screen and she was already in love with it.
"You haven't?" He mutters, his eyes trained on her still flat stomach. Like he could see the tiny life inside her.
Jo shakes her head, plopping down beside him. "Are you even listening to me?"
"You're still?" Alex seems dazed as his gaze follows her movements, his eyes flitting between her stomach and back up to her eyes. Without much thought his hand reached out, his fingertips just touching against the tiny slip of skin between her t-shirt and jeans. The sudden movement makes Jo shrink away, a involuntarily shiver running through her from his touch.
"Yes," she mumbles, while she readjusts her top, watching as Alex's hand falls down to the space between them. An apologetic look on his face as he meets her eyes again. "Clearly from the look on your face, your speech before was a load of crap." He'd gone ghostly white since she'd shared the news, Jo, though he might actually throw up as he continued to look between her and her abdomen.
Sighing Alex shakes his head, running a hand through his unruly hair. "I just need a second to get my head around the fact that we're having a baby." He hadn't wanted her to have the abortion but he'd come to accept the fact that was what she had wanted...but now...now his whole life had changed...in a matter of seconds. Now there was this whole new life, balancing himself between Kansas and Seattle, there were sleepless nights and diaper changes mixed with teenage tantrums, first loves and high school in his near future and that was scary. But there was also Jo...his Jo and she was going to be the mother of his child. "We're having a baby."
"Are you only just understanding this?"
"We're having a baby."
"Keep going I don't think the whole hospital knows yet," Jo growls, folding her arms across her chest as she glares at one of the passing nurses who was making it no secret that she was staring at the two of them.
"We should probably talk…" Alex finally mutters, the fog in his brain seemingly clearing as he straightens out. He said he'd support her, and he'd meant it, he couldn't be the emotional irrational guy he seemed to have become since touching down in Seattle again, it was time to step up and unfortunately it was something Alex knew how to do all too well.
"Mhmm probably."
"You wanna get out of here?"
What she wanted to do was go home and cry and compose herself before the nanny's hours were up but there was no way of avoiding this conversation. If they were gonna do this, they were gonna have to have a lot of difficult conversations so they might as well start now. Grabbing her bag she stood, tapping her foot impatiently when Alex didn't immediately follow. "No, I'd liked to keep discussing this in the middle of the hospital...let's go."
"Here?" Jo questions, they decide to walk Alex suggesting they get coffee somewhere no for from the hospital and she was surprised when he'd lead her towards an old dinner they used to frequent back when they were first dating.
"Yeah, you remember it?"
"Yeah...we used to come here all the time when we first started dating."
Back when they were just friends even, Alex had taken a severely hungover Jo down here, he'd made her promise not to tell anyone else, it was a secret spot for when he had time to get food away from the hospital and he didn't want it full of idiot interns. Then it had become a habit, back when Jo was a resident and they could barely find time to spend together that wasn't sleeping or sleeping together. They'd meet here when they're shifts overlapped, and Jo used to love it, it was something out of an old movie, with checkered table cloths and 50s uniforms.
"Mhmm peanut butter and banana waffles?" Jo mumbles as her feet seemed to move without her permission, finding their way back to their usual table, the place hadn't changed since they'd stopped coming here around the time they'd moved to the loft. It was nice to be here again, Jo had pretty much forgotten it existed, it looked like a warn down shack from the outside, which is pretty much what it was but this was Jo and Alex, they were never much for fancy fine establishments. Being here again it was almost like they were time-travelling back to simpler days.
"Do you even have to ask?" Alex grins sliding into the booth opposite her, the smile on his face a nice change from the downcast frown he'd been sporting since he'd found her outside the clinic,
They sat in silence for a while, only making small talk when discussing their order waiting patiently for the waitress to bring their drinks over before either one of them spoke.
"I used to dream about us having babies." It's Jo who's speaks first, the thought that had been on her mind since she found out she was expecting slipping out of her mouth catching them both by surprise. "I used to imagine their faces...I'd imagine where we'd live...what we'd be like as parents." She used to watch Alex on the peds floor and picture their whole life. Her favourite was watching the way he'd talk to NICU babies, he was so soft and so sweet, a side of him people rarely got to see but she did and every time she watched him she imagined him cradling a newborn of their own.
Alex nods, a slight smile playing on his lips as similar images play out across his own mind. "I did that too." He used to love bringing Jo up to the peds floor watching kids fawn over her like she was a freaking Disney character. The idea of being a father had always terrified Alex, he'd always assumed he wasn't really built for it until Jo came along...and then nothing ever felt that scary, then it was all he wanted... he'd never been so sure of anything in his life back then...he'd wanted a family with Jo.
"It was never like this."
"No, it wasn't."
"So how's this gonna work? It doesn't exactly fit into your plan right?" Her tone goes icy as she speaks, she wishes she could put it aside be the bigger person, keeps their conversation light-hearted but she can't stop the waves of emotions that plague her every time she sees him. If having Mia had taught her anything it was that parental love is like no over love and she had immediately understood why Alex had to leave but it was the way he'd gone, the lies and the deceit that had hurt her...hat still hurt her. The way he'd burnt everything they were with one single letter instead of just looking her in the eye and being the man she'd known and loved.
"Are you gonna keep throwing that in my face? Is that how this is gonna go?" Alex's jaw clenched, his fist tight on the table as he looked at her. This wasn't gonna be easy, that was abundantly clear but he wouldn't stand a fight chance if that was always gonna be her response, leaving Jo leaving Seattle it was the worst thing he had ever done, he knew that he'd easily admit that, but he was here now, and she was pregnant and they were having this baby...at least he thinks they are and he won't stand a fighting chance against the pain he caused, there was nothing he could say to fix it. "I was trying to give my kids the family we never had but I've realised having a parent that just gives a shit and just shows up is all you need."
"You realised that now?" Jo scoffs, looking at him in disbelief as the waitress places plates of waffles down before them, oblivious to their heated tension.
"A while back actually."
Jo cocked her head to the side pushing her plate away, losing her appetite completely. "When you Izzie broke up you mean."
"Is this what you wanna talk about? Me and Izzie?" He really didn't wanna talk about Izzie, she was the last thing he wanted to talk about especially when they had so much more going on, Izzie was hardly a pressing issue. Realistically she wasn't an issue at all, it was none of Jo's business what had happened with Izzie and Alex was finding it hard to not tell Jo just that, but she held all the cards here, she called the shots and whatever she said whatever she wanted that's how this was gonna go. "I assumed we were here to talk about the baby."
"It's the same thing.."
"No it isn't." Alex grits his teeth, pushing the plate back towards her.
"How about we talk about the letter then? Let's talk about how we got here." Jo narrows her eyes on him, shoving the plate back as she leans forward on the table. "You said in your letter you didn't know how to look anyone in the eye if you didn't make it work. So why didn't it work Alex?" She could recite that letter word for word, she'd read it enough times over the years. It was almost like she'd wake up somedays and feel like she was living in a nightmare like none of it was real and that letter seemed to anchor her back down into the shitty reality this world had become.
"I tried everything I could to give my kids the life I wanted them to have."
"So what is this then? Second best?"
"No…" Alex protests, pinching the bridge of his nose he forehead creased. God, there were no words that were gonna fix this all not really but they were here in this mess and there was nowhere to run, he couldn't save her from the pain, no matter how much he wanted to. It has to get worse before it can get better. "There is no first or second Jo. Look I wasn't coming back, me and Izzie broke up two years ago and I didn't get the first flight back to Seattle and knock on your door. I was done, I was out, I'd never wanted to hurt you, Jo. I promised you a lot of things that I had to break but I swore I'd never do it again."
She's heard this crap before, all of it and she is done listening to these half-assed promises. Grabbing her bag Jo slips out of the booth. "How's that promise turning out for you?" She snaps slapping down some money for her side of the bill before turning on her heel to leave.
"Jo…sit down...please," Alex calls, his hand wrapping around her wrist gently pulling her back,
"I can't do this with you, Alex." She mutters, slapping against his chest. "I can't have this baby." Jo keeps hitting against his chest, ignoring the way his arms incase her. Alex holds her close to his chest as her unches slow down, ignoring the freaked out look from the waitress as she passes them.
"Jo, we can work something out," Alex whispers, his lips pressed against her hair as he speaks while continuing to rub her back comfortingly, feeling her tears begin to soak through his top making his guts twist painfully knowing he was the cause. "I'll play this however you want, visitations, custody, money I know you have a daughter and it's just you."
"Your right it's just me and my daughter and I have to do what is best for us and I don't think having you as a permanent part of our life will be." Jo whimpers, pulling out his arms to look at him. She wanted this baby because it was her baby because she loved it but did she want to open the door for Alex to be in her life, that was the part she couldn't handle. "I thought I could but I can't, it was easy that night I was drunk and I was hurting but I don't think I could do eighteen years of fake smiling and trying to act like I'm not dying on the inside because I am Alex." More tears streamed down her face, flowing faster than the word she was speaking. "Every time I look at you I feel myself crumbling because you threw me away like I was trash and don't interrupt me…" she holds a hand up, cutting off Alex who has begun to speak abruptly. "You asked me to marry you four times...four times if you count the ridiculous first time.." she exclaimed, making his heartache as he watched the pain he'd caused reflect back in her eyes. "And you still left me...and I never saw it coming...it killed me, Alex. I don't think I can do another eighteen years wondering if every time you walk out the door you'll come back. I'll always think you've disappeared. If it was just me I could take the pain but I don't want to put a child through that."
Alex seemed to freeze at her words. That's what he'd done. He let one of the only people to ever truly know all of him to believe he was the type of man to not show up, the type of man that would walk away from his family from his children without a care in the world...like it was easy.
"Letting you go was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I did it because you asked me too. You didn't want a life with me. I accepted that." Jo placed her hand against his chest, pushing him away lightly ignoring the feeling of his thumping heart. "So if you wanna stick around, if you think you're capable of actually sticking out your promises then you can but I don't need you to be here and neither does this baby."
He keeps a hold of her wrist even as she goes to move, even when she tugs on it slightly tilting her head to the side. "No bullshit shit Jo." He whispers, clearing his throat. "I'm sorry...I made a mistake six years ago. There's nothing I can do to change that, no excuse I can make...it's my fault I know that." He let's go of her hand, taking a step closer to her so they're only inches apart. "I'm going to be here for you and this baby, whatever you need. I'm not going anywhere...and I know you don't believe me right now and I've got a lot of work to do if I wanna gain your trust but I'm here, I'm in it with you." He whispers his hand ghosting across her stomach. "I'm not going anywhere, Jo."
And you thought I'd get rid of Jolex baby...never...or maybe I will who know where this story is going. (Jokes it's me I do.)
Next chapter has more Mia and maybe a Mia and Alex combo.
As always thanks for reading and check out more of my work on Tumblr odd-birds-and-booksellers
But you were supposed to be different, yeah
Darling, you were supposed to be different
-Aron Wright
