A/N Hey all y'all, I been missin' ya sumthin' fierce. I thought I might oughta give ya an update on what's goin' on at the Mad Dawg, cuz seriously boys n girls, sumthin' is always goin' on at the Mad Dawg.
psst, guess who. Well hell yeah it's me, who else comes ta call on ya Wednesday, just ta fuckin' remind ya it's Wednesday? Ain't no one but me. I've learned I can't trust ya ta remember what the hell day it is on yer own.
Now this particular Wednesday, April 6th, in the mornin', the world turned dark. Dark as coal. Who will ever forget the day the "Poet of the Common Man" passed on? It was a bitter, bitter thing when the news come over the radio, Merle Haggard had died.
The boys were all in a state a shock an sorrow. Why Little Boss he went right in there ta Big Boss' office an he told the man, "We gotta shut down Big Boss, the guys we can't get no work done, everyone's all manner a sad an depressed an mistakes will be made. I think we best all head home now."
Now Big Boss didn't know Merle Haggard from Joe Blow, the dumbass, but he knows Little Boss is the hardest workin' man he's ever seen an a real straight shooter. So knowin' that, Big Boss he just says, "Well if that's what you think is best Little Boss, but I want everyone here, rested and ready to work first thing in the morning."
"Well yeah, course Big Boss. I'll be here same as always."
"Where's everyone planning to do their grieving?"
Daryl looked every kind of pitifully sad when he answered, "Guess we best head on over ta the Mad Dawg an have some frosty ones, ya know just ta ease the pain an whatnot. Then get home ta our women for some comfortin'."
He made a quick call ta Sweet Baby, "Damn girl, did ya hear what happened?"
"Yes Daryl and I'm so sorry. I know you loved him. Are you going to the Mad Dawg early?"
His Sweet Baby knew him, she understood him. Why she was the best wife on all nine planets. (hey, I ain't givin' up on Pluto an y'all shouldn't either.)
Meanwhile down at the Mad Dawg...why the minute Barkeep heard the news over the radio he hurried up ta make preparations. He knew every redneck, low life and miscreant from across the entire county was gonna be needin' ta drink a toast ta the Hag. (4-cylinder word alert - preparations)
He went in the back, brought out more cases a beer from the walk-in cooler an was stuffin' them bar coolers just as full as they could be stuffed.
Now y'all know I'm the helpful sort so as soon as I heard the news over my own radio, why I was down there at the Mad Dawg ready ta be of any manner of assistance I could.
First thing I done was, I got the ancient CD player out from the office an the Merle Haggard box set a CD's. I got everythin' all set up there behind the back bar. That old CD player will take six disks, that's a good thing cuz we knew we was gonna have us a big crowd a fellas mournin', drinkin' an wantin' ta sing along.
Just like when Elvis died, an John Wayne died, an John Lennon died, an George Jones died. We hold a nice memorial at the Mad Dawg.
Hell Barkeep even got the hot dog cooker dealee thing a goin'.
Well we barely finished stockin' the ice, in case anyone was drinkin' Jack on the rocks, an I just got the music cranked up, when in they started ta come.
Now Barkeep, I told ya before boys an girls 'bout 345 gagillion times, he's a professional. He had them frosty ones set up quicker than you can say "Kiss My Redneck Ass."
No sooner had he done it than in walked Older Dixon lookin' every bit as grief stricken as Young Dixon.
Now Older Dixon he wasn't fuckin' around, no sir, he went right ta orderin' up a double jack ta go along with his frosty one. Shit it wasn't even noon yet. Not that it matters what time a man starts, if yer thirsty yer thirsty. I'm just informin' ya is all. I always like ta keep ya apprised a the situation at hand. (fancy word alert – apprised.)
An right then "You're Walking on the Fightin' Side of Me" started ta play on the CD player thing an everyone took a big ol pull a their frosty one, and went ta punchin' the arm a the fella next to 'em. Hard. It's times like that I'm real damn glad I ain't one a the fellas. Y'all know how delicate I am, I bruise easy an whatnot.
Then Merle starts ta get all sorrowful 'bout the way the man he was named for has died. The place gets quiet then, ears is perked an peaked, or whatever, we's all listenin'. Then Young Dixon says, "Merle yer full a shit ya ain't named for Haggard. Mama named ya for her brother that got killed in that drug deal gone bad."
"Ya shut the fuck up Daryl, ya got yer version a the story I got mine."
An everyone, includin' Little Brother, nodded an took a big ol' pull from their brown bottle, cuz shit, Older Dixon was right. This here is a drinkin' establishment, a man's got every right in the world ta lie his fuckin' ass right off. (4-cyclinder word alert – establishment)
As it turned out Older Dixon was in a mood, an I ain't talkin' 'bout the good kind. Mix that all in a bucket with two double jacks and a couple frosty ones, an things start ta go a little sideways.
So he says ta Little Brother, "Why don't ya tell me all about how Little Ballbuster's been bustin' yer balls on the regular an makin' yer life a livin' hell. Shit Brother, I don't know why ya put up with that shit from her."
Well now see? That right there? That did not sound like Merle's usual manner a baitin' Little Brother. Yep, he'd crossed the line. An Little Brother give a real hard shove ta Big Brother's shoulder. Holy fuck a duck! We was all sittin' up straight now wonderin' was the Dixon Brothers gonna brawl. We ain't seen that in a while. I can't lie kids, it's kinda hot, I mean just think about the muscles tensin', the testosterone heavy in the air, the fuckin' arms on those boys.
Phew, is it gettin' warm in here or is it just me?
"The fuck Merle? Who pissed in yer Cheerios? Nah she ain't been bustin' nuthin' an don't ya be talkin' 'bout her like that. My Sweet Baby is nuthin' but good ta me." And all the other fellas was flippin' Young Dixon off, just in their minds a course, no one wanted ta die that day. Why did he always have ta rub it in 'bout his Sweet Baby? Dickhead.
"What about Big Ballbuster, she got yer nut sack in a vise? I already know yer head's up yer ass."
UhOh an yep, Merle give Daryl the two handed chest shove, and Daryl give it to him right back. Barkeep was gettin' nervous now an we was all thinkin' 'bout where we could move, ya know ta be sure an be outta the reaches a the wayward punch. Cuz kids I'm here ta tell right now, when them Dixon Brothers get ta fightin' the shit goes down.
So Daryl give Merle a hard punch ta the gut, takes the man's breath away, but he recovers and he gives Daryl one right back, then Daryl goes for the haymaker to the jaw, but Merle gets him in a headlock, so then Daryl gives him the elbow ta the gut while he smashes the heel a his boot down hard on Merles' foot. (We was all suckin' them beers down an takin' side bets on who was gonna be comin' out winners). Merle lets out a loud yelp and hollers, "Ya little muther fucker!" An he throws a right hook that connects hard with the side a Daryl's head, Daryl takes that head a his and he rams it, just like a chargin' bull, hard into his lovin' brother's gut, knockin' him back an he falls on his ass. Daryl throws himself on top a his brother an they're both a them rollin' around on the floor a the Mad Dawg. Fists was flyin', they was throwin' blows, kickin', bitin' an callin' each other every manner a terrible thing ya ever heard, an some ya ain't never heard. (The rest of us was makin' faces like we was the ones bein' hurt, in between big gulps from our frosty ones.)
Finally Barkeep figured the Brothers was done gettin' out whatever the fuck it was that had got into 'em, not that they'd slowed up a bit, Barkeep though, bein' a professional an all, he knows when it's time, an he pulled the plug on Haggard just long enough ta play The Star Spangled Banner. That's right, we all rose ta our feet an faced the dingy old flag in the corner there, includin' the Brothers a course. An we all proudly sang along as best we could.
When the Anthem was done playin' them Brothers they put their arms 'round each others shoulders an they started ta cacklin'. I know I told ya this a quadtrillion times, both them boys is more than capable a behavin' like dumbasses.
Barkeep popped the caps off a couple a frosty ones for 'em an they toasted each other. "Here's to ya, ya little prick," said Big Brother. And Little Brother said, "Right back at ya shit for brains."
And peace was restored.
But damn kids our boys looked rough, both of 'em had a black eye comin' up, bloody ears, split lips, big puffed up lookin' cheek bones, an there was plenty a cuts an blood an bruisin', but they acted like nuthin' had even happened. Them Dixon boys are tough. An did I mention hotter than the hubs a hell? Yeah cuz damn kids, even beat ta shit them boys are a couple a real fine specimens a manhood.
That's when Young Dixon asked Older Dixon, "What the fuck is the matter with ya Brother?"
Yeah y'all know it, the tavern fell into silence as every low life, miscreant an redneck waited ta hear what the fuck was the matter with Older Dixon.
"I got trouble at home." Aw shit. Everyone had always just taken it for granted Merle an Cindy was solid. I mean seriously, a match made in heaven if ever one was.
"Shit Brother, what kinda trouble?" We all took a big chug outta our freshly replenished (thanks to the Professional behind the bar) frosty ones.
Maybe Young Dixon shoulda known better than ta ask a man like his brother a question such as that. Too far reaching an whatnot. Nowadays it's kinda trendy ta say someone ain't got filters, yeah we don't say that 'bout Merle. We say Merle Dixon's mouth ain't connected ta his brain.
"Well it all started last Thursday evenin', I thought it'd be over by now. But nah, I don't think she wants me no more."
"What the fuck ya talkin' 'bout Merle?" Well yeah a course, every lowlife an miscreant in the joint was waitin' with baited breath cuz yeah, what the fuck ya talkin' bout Merle? And we all took a big pull from our brown bottle.
Merle said, "Barkeep, I need a double jack." Well Barkeep was hesitant but shit, money's money and there's always The National Anthem if things get outta hand again.
"Earl was asleep an we was watchin' some chick show Cindy likes 'bout Doctors an whatnot, an there was a gal on there, damn that woman had her some nice tits an a spacious backyard an I simply commented on that fact, I mean anyone woulda said the same. An I mighta said, 'That woman there could put her shoes next ta my bed any night. I'd show her what good lovin' is all about.' That's all. Wasn't like I done anythin', I's just commentin'."
Now Young Dixon? Why ya never seen someone look so incredulous, an he looked ta his brother an he said, "Merle yer the biggest fuckin' dumbass son of a bitch ever walked the face a the gawddamn earth." (fancy word alert – AND 4-cylinder word alert – incredulous)
"That's kinda what Cindy said, 'cept she didn't say it that nice." Okay, I mighta had a little spit take right then myself boys n girls.
"She ain't let me kiss her or pet on her not one bit since, I tried ta cop a little feel a her titty just last night and she punched me harder than you ever did. Shit, I's just bein' affectionate an whatnot. An she ain't let me in the bed, hell no, I'm sleepin on the floor in Earl's room."
Damn, everyone knew Cindy's reputation for likin' the nookie, if she was refusin' her man his lovin', yeah things were lookin' bad for Merle an Cindy's happy union.
And then Merle asked it, an I think if you was able ta tell by lookin' at a person when their heart froze, you'd know Young Dixon's heart froze right then. Why? Cuz Merle asked, "Can I stay with y'all for few days?"
You better believe we was the quietest lowlifes this side a the black hole while we awaited the answer. "Lemme call Sweet Baby." (Cop out Alert!)
He did an bein' the sweet woman she is she said, "Well Daryl he is your brother so I guess we can't say no, but I sure do hope they make up soon."
About that time Ruby come by the Mad Dawg ta haul Oscar's drunk ass home an she was nice enough ta give the Brothers a ride ta Daryl's.
They walked in the front door an there was little old D.J. playin' with them trucks an that peepin' tom of a dinosaur an that damn Yo Gabba Gabba was playin' on the T.V.
Daryl said, "Hey son Daddy's home ain't that excitin'?" An all y'all know, D.J. he went ta gigglin' an clappin' an he said, "Daddy home." Happiest little fella in the galaxy kids.
"Hey kid, it's yer Uncle Merle don't I get no kinda greetin'?" An the boy just giggled more n said, "'Lo."
Merle plopped his dumbass down on the sofa an began ta enjoy Yo Gabba Gabba with his nephew. They have similar tastes in their TV viewing.
He walked in the kitchen an there was his Sweet Baby, standing there at the stove an stirrin' a big ol' pot a sumthin' that smelled damn delicious.
He come up behind her an he run a open palm right along the inside a her thigh all the way up n right over ta that sweet center, an he give it a real lovin' kind a feel, while he was leanin' down kissin' an a suckin' at her neck. "Hey Sweet Baby, yer man missed yer sweet little self today."
She turned around then and let out a gasp, "Oh my gawd Daryl, what happened to you?" And she hugged him tight. He continued his attentions to her personal regions and he said, "Ain't nuthin' Sweet Baby, just had a little scuffle with Merle's all. It's all straightened out don't ya worry. I'll tell ya more later."
An she went ta givin' some pretty good attentions ta his southern hemisphere an she said, "I sure am sorry about Merle Haggard Daryl. I'll try later and see if I can't make you feel a little better." An he went ta nuzzlin' at her neck.
An he whispered, "Yer makin' me feel pretty fuckin' good right now Sweet Baby, damn ya got a nice touch." An they was kissin' an gettin' all lost in the love an whatnot, when D.J. come a walkin' in, with Uncle Merle right behind, and the little fella said, "Hungee Mama. Dinno."
Merle said, "Jesus what the fuck were you two gettin' up to in here?!" Daryl had ta chastise him right there on the spot for cussin' in front a the boy. (fancy word alert – chastise)
An Daddy he bent down an he roughed D.J.'s soft hair an he said, "Ya wasn't s'pose ta let yer Uncle Merle follow ya in here son." An D.J. he just giggled an clapped his little hands together, an he was doin' a little dance. Happiest child on all nine planets that boy is. (An don't even think 'bout arguin' with me over Pluto.)
She knew they'd be drinkin' pretty dang good so she'd fixed up a pot of some seriously spicy Chile Verde. D.J. was havin' a cheese quesadilla an some carrot sticks. Daryl was woofin' his chile right down with warm tortillas, Merle was munchin' away, D.J. seemed happy as two clams, an Sweet Baby was eatin' a big bowl a leafs.
An Merle that dumbass, you'd think he'd know better but he said sumthin' 'bout that. What he said was, "Dang Beth why don't ya wanna eat some real food? That there's for bunnies, it's no wonder yer so skinny."
Daryl pushed himself back from the table ready ta go ta blows again, but then he thought 'bout D.J. bein' there an all. That fuckin' brother a his was gettin' on his last fuckin' nerve today. "Ya be quiet Merle. Sweet Baby eats what she wants an ya don't comment on it, hear? An don't ya never talk ta her like that. She's perfect. Ain't ya had ya enough trouble ta last ya a while?"
Merle made a effort at apologizin' an all, but shit kids he's Merle. "Gee didn't mean ta piss everyone off, just sayin' it wouldn't hurt ya ta have a square meal. An yeah girl, yer real cute n all."
"Don't worry about it Merle just quit using bad language in front of D.J. That is what will get me upset." But Sweet Baby's sunny personality had definitely clouded over just a little.
An D.J. said, "PeePee Mama." An Sweet Baby scooped him up outta his chair an took him in the bathroom.
"D.J.'s learnin' ta use the crapper?" Merle grinned.
"Merle knock it off. Beth was real nice ta invite ya ta stay, fix supper for ya. Now watch yer damn mouth. And yeah D.J.'s got the PeePee part down pretty good, it's the PooPoo he ain't got quite figured."
An Older Dixon looked at Young Dixon n said, "Ain't no real man says PooPoo."
"Yeah well they do if they live in this house so fuck you Merle."
Daryl, D.J. an Merle was in the living room. D.J. an Daryl was playin' with them trucks an the train, Merle couldn't quit playin' with the voyeur dinosaur, an a episode of Archer's Choice was playin' on the TV. (fancy word alert – voyeur)
Sweet Baby was cleanin' the kitchen. That an she was also on the phone with Cindy tryin' ta find out what in the world had happened. Cindy told her what her man had said about that broad on TV. A course Sweet Baby said, "Well now Cindy you were with Merle for a long time before you married him, you know how he is. He doesn't always think before he speaks." Shit, that's bein' mighty fuckin' sweet Sweet Baby.
But Cindy was not in a forgivin' frame a mind.
Sweet Baby come walkin' in the livin' room there an she says, "It's bath time," ya know, in that sweet voice a hers that almost sounds like she's singin'. Course Merle he says, "Hell yeah, we're all takin' a bath together."
Well a course he knew better than that when he said it, but he thought he was bein' funny, yeah 'til he seen Sweet Baby was givin' him a damn near nuclear stink eye.
Are ya sittin' down? Cuz what I gotta tell ya next is, Daryl he just jumped right up ta take his own shower! He didn't question, he didn't try an talk his way outta it, he was anxious in fact. The man needed a break from Big Brother just that bad.
Story time come an the story a the evenin' was a little sumthin' D.J. picked out called, "Once Upon a Potty." An no, I ain't makin' it up, there is such a book. The boy was asleep halfway through, it ain't that excitin'.
Sweet Baby told Merle he could sleep there on the small bed in D.J.'s room or on the sofa. He picked the bed.
Once they got in their room, finally alone, they caught fire. They was a groppin' an a kissin', an a feelin', an a rubbin', an findin' spots on one another that needed explorin', why they was havin' a fine time.
Big Man was so hot he feared he might suffer from spontaneous combustion at any minute. (4 cylinder word alert – spontaneous)
He pulled his sleeps pants off so fast sparks flew. An he no sooner done that than he had every stitch a Sweet Baby's clothin' removed.
He picked her up an bounced her sweet self right onta that bed an they was rollin' around the thing an they was a touchin', an a kissin', an a strokin', an a lickin', an a suckin', an there mighta been some pokin' an a little pinchin'. Why they was havin' all manner a large fun.
That's when his Sweet Baby surprised Big Man, yep, she started headin' south. She was kissin' his happy trail all the way down ta his nether regions. An when she was just about ta get down ta business she looked up ta him an she said, "You know what would be a really good idea Big Man?"
An as hot an bothered as he was he still had ta squelch a laugh, "Nah I don't Sweet Baby, tell me what would be a really good idea?"
"If you would please hurry and figure out a way to make Merle go home." An they both had a laugh over that. An then they got back ta the business at hand an they was mighty rambunctious an damn if they didn't fall right outta that bed.
Big Man he managed ta make sure he took the brunt a the fall, cuz he was already beat ta hell anyway. An they never did miss a beat, they kept right at it, they had a lotta pent up desire. Hell they hadn't had any since earlier that mornin'.
He got Sweet Baby ta that place she wanted ta go, an when he did she mighta let out a little scream an yelled, "Oh yes, Big Man, yes!"
An they hadn't even gotten ta the main event.
But they got after it then, an they was rollin' around that room, they was coverin' a lotta real estate, an they was showin' each other a vast amount of affection. Hot naked affection. An she got there first just a hollerin' his name, an he didn't waste no time gettin' there his own self an he mighta hollered, "Damn Sweet Baby makin' me feel so good."
An they was plumb wore out, layin' there on the floor all manner a relaxed an in love. An he told her, "I love ya Sweet Baby, love ya so much." An she answered him right back, "I love you Big Man."
Speakin' a big men, this whole time Big Brother had been there in D.J.'s room hearin' every bit a that lovin' goin' on an it pissed him right the fuck off. Why was his Cindy breakin' his heart this way, over nuthin'?
Two days time passed, yeah, it was Friday evenin' an Daryl was gonna grill 'em up some steaks out there by the pool. Sweet Baby had made up some taters n deviled eggs n whatnot, an that's when it happened.
D.J. looked ta her with that sweet little innocent face a his an he said, "Needa shit Mama."
Now Merle he was enjoyin' the hell right outta what he taught the boy, he couldn't stop cacklin'. An truth be told, Daryl thought it was one a the funniest fuckin' things he'd ever seen.
The big difference was, Merle laughed out loud, but by the very grace a God above, Daryl was able ta act upset that D.J. would speak these words.
That's when Little Ballbuster broke right on outta her shell. She had her Little Ballbuster Super Suit on now kids. Why Merle Dixon hadn't known what a good ball bustin' was 'til Sweet Baby took him ta skool! He was sure his ass was gone, sure she'd chewed the sumbitch right off. She was not lettin' up for a minute.
Now Big Man he was also a smart man, he'd taken Little Man inside right quick, set him there on the potty. Little Man was doin' his dooty an Daddy told him, "If yer smart son you'll do things Mama's way. Life's better like that."
Merle apologized all over hisself, begged Sweet Baby for her forgiveness. She's a real sweet gal an she did forgive him, just reminded him there was rules.
He said he thought he oughta go try n make up ta Cindy right quick.
Now a course ya gotta know that over the past couple a days, when the men was gone ta work an such, Sweet Baby an Cindy had been in constant communication. (Wait, is that a 5-cylinder word? – communication)
Merle didn't need ta know 'bout that so a course we ain't gonna tell him, but Sweet Baby did give him a idea a how he might make his way back into Cindy's heart. Right now.
Sweet Baby suggested he leave real quick now before the mall closed, get his lovin' wife a bottle of Chanel No. 5 – an not the cologne, the parfum, Ethel M chocolates – the biggest box they had, an a real expensive heart shaped gold locket. An finally she told him the most important thing, quit bein' such a big dumbass.
Sweet Baby wrote it all down on a piece of paper for him so he wouldn't fuck it up. Yep, she'd copied it right off Cindy's list.
A/N Hey kids, a big thanks to AwkwardPause069 (check out her new Rickyl fic) for the prompt: Merle getting in trouble with Cindy and coming to stay with Big Man and Sweet Baby, then teaching D.J. a naughty word. (He never hears shit like that from Daddy, does he now?). I appreciate all of you taking the time to read this, and taking a moment to remember a country music legend, the one and only Merle Haggard. Please comment / review xo
To see the chapter photo of Big Man and Sweet Baby, please visit my tumblr blog at bethylmethbrick
See ya next time at the Mad Dawg kids, we'll have us a frosty one!
