Alex takes a moment to catch his breath as he collapses down onto the pillows beside Jo. "Feel better?" He hums as he resists the urge to reach out and run his hand along her silky smooth skin. This is how it usually went, the routine they'd built over the last two weeks, they take a moment to catch their breath, the world comes crashing back down around them before she slips further out of his grip, clutching a blanket tighter around her body like she's suddenly shy as she makes her way towards the bathroom not even muttering a word to him.

He knows he's expected to be gone by the time she's finished. She doesn't wanna talk, she never does and no matter how much he wants to stay, no matter how much every fibre in his body tells him he belongs here with her, he never does. He goes back to his hotel room alone and the next day they pretend it never happened until she seeks him out again and again and again the pattern plays on a loop. He'd suggested it, he'd offered to help, anything to make her feel a little better, to have her look at him like he wasn't the big bad wolf that had cut out her heart but he's not sure it's helping. If anything it's made everything more complicated, he's unsure where the line is now, where they're going. If they're going anywhere at all. He'd made it clear after they'd bumped into Izzie. If there was a way back to Jo he wanted it. She said it was nothing more then sex but if Alex was honest with himself he doesn't recall a time it was ever just sex with her. He wants nothing more than to stay curled up with her, running his hands over her growing bump, their little surprise. For a second he just wants to take it back to before it all went wrong. But it's not what she wants so instead he pushes himself up off the bed, gathering his clothes as he traces his steps from her bedroom door.

"Jo…." Alex calls quietly as he begins to pull his boxers on. "Jo I'm gonna head out."

He's not sure she heard him until he hears the shower switch off, waiting for a moment before the bathroom door opens, she leaning against the doorframe, her wet hair soaking through the robe she had shoved on. "You can stay…." She whispers, her voice trembling a little as she spoke and it's clear to Alex she had been crying. "If you want that is...you can stay."

Alex freezes, clutching his jeans tighter in his hands as he stares at her. Last week he'd accidentally fallen asleep, they both had and when she woke up she'd freaked, practically shoving him out the door half-dressed. She'd wanted clear boundaries and now...now she was asking him to stay.

"You don't have to Alex...it's just late and…"

"No...I'll stay, I can stay I mean," Alex mumbles quickly, dropping the jeans from his hands as quickly made his way around the bed as if at any moment she'd retract her offer. He hears a soft giggle fall from her lips as she watches him slip back down onto the bed, shaking her head slowly as she pulls out an old pair of pyjamas from her draw.

She moves around quietly finishing off her nighttime routine and Alex can't seem to take his eyes off her, he watches as she hesitates slightly before slipping into her side of the bed. He hears her release a shaky breath as she does, they're not touching. He's unsure if he should move, frozen laying on his back staring up at the ceiling, scared that any movement would startle her and he'd be out the door again.

She seems to read his mind as she shifts closer to him, lifting his arm up to wrap around her waist as she snuggles back into him, his hand rests gently across her smooth skin and he tries to keep his breathing slow as he remembers what it was like to hold her while she slept again. "Are you sure this is what you want?" He hates himself for asking, regrets it almost immediately but he can't help himself, this selfishly feels too good and he knows that it will come at a price later but surely whatever it is will be worth this moment, this moment he thought he'd never have again.

Jo hums, clutching tighter at the arm wrapped around her. "Yeah, this good…." She mumbles sleepily, her eyes already fluttering shut as she lets her exhaustion of the day take over. "The dreams don't come when you're here."

Alex frowns, trying to make sense of her words as he pulls one of the pillows further down, he wants to ask her what she means but as he peers over to see her face. She looks so content, so peaceful that he can't bring himself to break the moment, instead, he chooses to just accept that she asked him to stay and savour the moment as he drifts off to sleep.


It's dark when she wakes a quick glance to the alarm clock beside lets her know she's still got about half an hour before she has to get up as settles back against the pillows. His shallow breaths beside her the only sound to be heard as she closes her eyes again. His hand is warm from where it's protectively wrapped around her growing bump. She lays there for a few moments before she realises there's no way she's falling back to sleep, shifting on to her side she takes in the sight before her.

His sleeping face is so peaceful in the dark, the way his forehead creases slightly bringing a soft smile to her lips. Laying in their bed in the loft, his soft snores filtering out around them as she snuggles in closer to him, pressing her lips to his neck.

Only they're not in the loft.

"You okay?" Jo blinks a few times as she meets Alex's eyes realising he was now awake staring at her curiously as he rolls over grabbing his watch from the side of the bed.

"I forgot." She whispers so quietly he almost doesn't hear her, shooting her a confused glance as he settles back against the pillows. "I...just for a second I saw you there and I forgot."

The realisation dawns on him as his eyes drop. "Jo..."

"You should get going before you miss your flight," Jo mutters slipping out of bed, wrapping herself up in her robe, never glancing back at Alex as she exits the room. Leaving Alex to get dressed. He was heading back to Kansas for two weeks. It was a pattern she should be used to by now but every time he left a little voice question if he'd ever return.

She'd told herself to keep him at arm's length, that way if he left again it wouldn't hurt so bad, but she should've known Alex Karev had an uncanny ability to get under her skin.

"Jo...did I...did me staying here ruin this...whatever this is?

"This was ruined a long time ago."


"Jo...you seem a little further away today?" Jo registers Carly talking but she's not really listening, instead, her gaze has fallen to the little table clock beside her, slowly ticking by. It was 3'oclock Alex's flight was due to land back in Kansas at 3.15 pm. 15 Minutes until a text should appear on her screen.

Landed safely. Be home soon. Love you.

Love you too.

How's your mom? Ring me when you can?

Alex?

Alex call me back when you can.

I'm worried Alex. Call me back. Let me know you're okay before I call the police.

I'm fine. Don't call the police, I'll try and call you later.

I can't talk right now Jo. Stop calling.

I just need some time to figure things out.

Jo's brought out of her daze as another minute ticks by. 14 minutes to go.

"Is there something specific we could talk about?"

"I didn't have the dream last night." She is half an hour into her session and it's the first time she's muttered a word other than hello. Jo appreciated therapy she really did and she understood her need for it. It worked, it worked as long as she let it. When she went there ready to try and to talk it really did work but lately she'd had a hard time expressing her thoughts, in fact, she'd spent more time pushing them down, too afraid to even feel them never mind speak them out loud.

"That's good Jo, that's excellent news, have you been doing the exercises we talked about to change your perspective," Carly asks and she seems genuinely happy at Jo's revelation which only makes Jo's stomach fall further.

"No...actually erm this isn't the first time I haven't had the dream."

"No?"

"It's just the first time I realised I'd never had it," Jo reveals, leaning further back into the couch, clutching the pillow in her lap tighter. She watches Carly shuts her mouth noticing Jo still has more to say as she taps her fingers against the notepad in her lap. "I slept with Alex, my ex-husband."

"I'm aware." Carly gestures towards Jo, clearly hinting at the obvious baby bump.

"No, I mean yesterday."

"Oh…" She watches as Carly processes the new information, her lip pursed as carefully considers what to say next. "And you think the two are connected?"

"Aren't you the expert?"

"I'm not a dream interpreter Jo." Carly sighs, a patient smile forming as she clicks her pen shut, shifting up in her seat. "Do you feel safe around Alex?"

Jo bites down her lip as she flicks her eyes up to the ceiling, willing them to stop watering as she considers Carly's question. "He left me, he hurt me so deeply I thought I'd never recover."

"Emotionally but physically do you feel safe?"

Jo nods slowly as she brings her gaze down to meet Carly's. "Yes...Alex he'd he'd never hurt me physically." She hears her let out a small hum in approval, having found what she had been looking for as she turns her attention back to the notepad in hand. "What? You have that look so just tell me."

"Maybe knowing Alex is there with you allows you to feel safe enough to not go there."

"I don't think that's it." Jo shakes her head, squeezing the pillow tighter in her lap, her fingers fiddling with the frayed edges.

"Tell me, Jo, what do you think it is?"

Jo goes back to this morning, to that single moment where she'd forgotten that she and Alex were ever apart. Where for a single second they'd been back in the loft and then her eyes had readjusted and she'd seen that crappy shell lamp Jack had bought from a flea market when they'd first moved in together. In that single moment, she'd forgotten he'd even existed. She'd erased their history together.

"I think when he's there I can't think about Jack, it hurts too much like I'm replacing him, like Alex a man who hurt me so much is getting to sleep in his bed and tuck his daughter in at night. I think I don't have the dream because my mind won't even let me think about Jack."

Carly nods, "I thought we were in a better place with Jack."

"So did I...I just with Alex around it's hard."

"Why? How do the two correlate?"

"They both left me."

"Jack died Jo, he didn't leave by choice."

"I chose to love Jack, It wasn't easy to open my heart again but I did it. I chose him, I woke every day and I chose us. It wasn't love at first sight or fireworks. I mean we worked hard at it, we chose to fight for it and…"

Jo pauses she can feel the emotions inside her threatening to bubble over as Carly countries to jot notes down, her face scrunching up in thought. Then she seemed to force her face back into a neutral one, as she taps her pen against the paper in quick succession as if he was trying to find the right words to use next. "And?"

"And with Alex, I don't get a choice." She shook her head as if trying to shake the thought out of her mind. "I have to stop sleeping with him."

"Do you think that will make you feel better?"

"I dunno what will make me feel better, you're meant to tell me what will make me feel better you're meant to know this."

"I suggest talking to Alex...about all of this, your dreams, your feelings all of it he seems to be at the centre of this."

Jo leans back and sorted through her memories, realizing she hadn't done that in a long, long time. She had been kind of aware that she had been stowing her thoughts of her Jack into the back of her head, but now to have it on display again, it seemed like a lot of stuff to shuffle through. "I...we've talked and we've talked and the more we talk the more it hurts and I just I just want it to stop hurting and when it's just us when we're not talking about the past it's good and I just want to hold on to that."

"Jo you know to heal we often need to go back to the root of you don't heal what hurt you Jo it is only ever gonna hurt you, and you could push forward and not talk about the past and it might feel easier to do that but it doesn't mean it's healthy. The sooner you confront what's keeping you up at night the sooner those dreams and memories will bring you comfort rather than pain."

Jo lets out a shaky breath as she feels her phone begin to vibrate under her thigh/

Landed safely. Call you later?


"The only chance we have of moving on is trying to take it back before it all went wrong."

Before The Worst - The Script

Hi, If you're still here well then that's fun. It took me a while to get back into writing this year and then this chapter feels like I'm banging my head against a wall with no real idea of what I'm trying to say, it's all a bit of a mess and even though I have a clear idea of where this story is going, getting there is another story. But I imagine undoing that letter would probably be this messy and I as I know what happens next it's really only gonna get worst before it gets better so I hope you stick around.