Civil Affairs Narutoverse - The World Where Neji Lived - PART III

Neji was born July 3rd, 1453. Hizashi had been elated when we got our first real look at our son, after he'd stopped being so pink and started to look more like an actual tiny human. He had Hizashi's dark hair and byakugan, but his facial features...they were all mine.

My son had my face; my sharp nose, chin, and cheekbones. I thought he would curse me for it when he got older, when his skin remained fair and features didn't grow coarse, but Hizashi explained to me that boys always looked like their mothers. He told me that was one of the best things about having a boy. Somehow, I didn't think my son would feel the same way, at least not until he had children of his own with a woman he loved.

Hizashi loved being a father. A day didn't pass by without him making time to walk his son around the compound and the village, showing him off to anyone who would look. When Neji was seven months old he started walking and became a menace who had to be closely supervised - not that his father minded. I, on the other hand, found his newfound ability exhausting and left Hizashi to chase him around most of the time.

Neji's first year of life was a blissful one within our house but was stressful within the Hyuuga Clan. While Neji was loved deeply by his father and uncle, his grandfather refused to acknowledge him until Hiashi had an heir.

Hizashi and his father had never gotten along well but the elder's refusal to accept his own grandson tore a deeper rift between them. It didn't help matters that Hiashi was struggling to conceive with his new wife and without news of a pregnancy by Neji's first birthday there were once again whispers amongst the clan.

Those of the branch clan who were dissatisfied with the way the Hyuuga Clan was run conspired that the younger twin was more suited to the position as clan head. That his marriage and Neji's birth made him more of a leader then his brother. They talked about Hizashi becoming the main clan head like it was something he was considering and that only deepened the tension between father and son. Hizashi's father became worried that he would attempt to usurp his brother despite Hizashi explaining that he had no ambitions to change his position.

Thankfully, if Hiashi heard these speculations he gave no indication of it and he treated his brother the same way he always had. At least for a little while.

Physically having a child had been easy but everything that came after was difficult for me.

While Hizashi excelled in his role as a father, I struggled to be a proper mother. I wasn't nurturing by any stretch of the imagination and no amount of practice seemed to improve on that. I wasn't sure I knew how to nurture a child.

I realized quickly from watching others that I didn't treat Neji the same way they treated their children and I always felt a wrongness in the way I did things. I didn't dote on him the same way a mother should or pick him up when he fell, fussing over him the entire time. Instead, I told him that falling was part of life and he needed to get up - though I always made sure he wasn't hurt.

I don't think Neji knew that I was clueless and insecure: I would learn later that my distance affected him, but I don't believe he ever really understood why I was. Not until he was much older at least.

When he was small, unaware that I was weakening our relationship, I tried to hide my incompetence beneath my professional life.

I was promoted to Department Head of Registrations in early 1454 and I used my heavier workload to escape my role as a mother and clan politics. I loved Neji, very deeply, but I wasn't good at being a mother like I was good at working for the village. Naturally, I only wanted to do something that I was good at. Even when Hiashi's wife became pregnant and the tension with the clan eased, I still found ways to stay at the Civil Affairs Office longer and bury myself in paperwork.

On October 10th, 1454, the Nine-Tailed Fox attacked the village, and it was sealed away by Lord Fourth who died in the process.

The village mourned for nearly three months before Lord Third was re-appointed to head the village by the Elder Council. It was during this mourning period, on December 27th, that my niece Hinata was born. I was overjoyed by her birth at first because it meant that Neji's grandfather would finally acknowledge him but that soon turned to fear when I remembered the Caged Bird Seal and what this would mean for Neji.

I didn't eat for a week after Hinata was born.

It wasn't some purposeful protest, but I simply couldn't find it in me to stomach anything at the thought of what would soon happen to my son. My fast only ended because Hizashi's father came to me and told me that he would not place the seal on Neji for some time. Lady Hinata would not need him to serve her until she was old enough to begin her training as a byakugan user and therefore the seal would not be required. Hearing the old man tell me that directly brought me only the smallest amount of relief...but it was still relief.

Neji had time. Not a lot of it.

Nothing much happened in the three years following Hinata's birth.

My mother passed away, leaving Hizashi's mother alone again though when I visited her, she claimed that my mother had left her with enough good memories to last for the rest of her days. Her mind was starting to go, and she was in such a way that she didn't ever recognize Hiashi's wife nor Hinata when they came to her.

Somehow, she remembered me, my mother, and Neji. I would bring him with me often when I was tasked to care for her though I had not expected her to know him. Honestly, it was more out of convenience and pity that I brought him to spend time with her, but it ended up being a good decision – she gave him the affection I struggled with. She was the only one in the family who would ever ask to see him, despite how confused she typically was. When I brought him, she would sit peacefully with him, stroke his hair, and watch the birds. Neji developed a fascination with birds, I imagine because he associated them with his grandmother, and as he got older, he became knowledgeable on them. Bird watching was a favourite hobby of his.

He was a sweet child, Neji, and I had no idea where he got it from.

Between my distance and Hizashi's bitterness, which was growing worse with each year as Neji got closer to his sealing, there wasn't much positivity to inherit.

More for mine and Hizashi's benefit I had kept Neji away from Hinata. I wasn't sure why I couldn't stomach the sight of them playing together or even speaking. It wasn't the girl's fault. None of this could ever be her fault: she was a child, as innocent in all this as Neji was. Yet, despite all rational reasoning, I was terrified the interaction could cause me to foster a hatred for the girl. If I kept Neji away from her, then I could stay away from her and I wouldn't have to worry about these foreign, rotten feelings that were festering inside me. I hid them with my usual passive mask, but they were there, and I had no idea how to be rid of them.

I usually could gain strength from Hizashi's own cold exterior but that was no longer the case. His bitterness used to be well disguised but as the children got older it became apparent, he was slipping.

If the world had been just a little different, if Hizashi had been born just a little earlier, our Neji would never have to endure the Caged Bird Seal. This bitterness only grew worse as we both began to realize how talented Neji would be as a ninja. Even as a toddler, he grew quickly and more than once I caught Hizashi scrutinizing his son's de-activated eyes like he was critiquing a work of fine art.

Even Hiashi had commented that Neji's chakra network was reminiscent of the now extant Senju clan; he had the same powerful veins, deep pool and a few other traits that were unique to that bloodline. This small comment had caused chaos for me for a few weeks. Hizashi insisted I try and figure out if I bore any relation to the Senju, as he certainly didn't, but with my parents dead and a surprising absence of family records there was no way to know. To appease my husband, I did attempt to contact my older brother Tomoe but my attempts were ignored.

It soon was apparent to everyone that Neji would be a key player in the future of the clan – his blood was strong and the traits it carried even stronger. Some even said he would usher in a new generation of stronger, better Hyuuga when he was eventually old enough to have children of his own.

Everywhere we turned praise was heaped upon our son…but what was there to show for it?

Our poorly concealed resentment only worsened as we realized that Lady Hinata was being revealed as weak and talentless, despite her position of privilege and her carefully cultivated bloodline. It would have been one thing if she were simply less talented then Neji or even just average…but she was weak.

That Neji should serve Hinata felt like injustice to our family.

Though I tried to force it away the traitorous belief that Neji, who had been already proven superior to Hinata, should be the heir to the Hyuuga Clan found its way inside my heart.

Though having that belief in my heart, carefully hidden, was less dangerous then having it in Hizashi's. More then once I had sat quietly in our room, listening to my husband seethe over our circumstance and in those moments, he could be frightening. There was a time that resentment and bitterness had been foreign to him but his love for Neji was so overwhelming that he wanted him to have what he deserved - which was not servitude to the weaker main house and the Caged Bird Seal upon his forehead.

It shocked me that Neji was raised with such humility when, in regard to him, his father and I had none.

It was painfully ironic that it was experiencing an all-consuming father's love which took the seed of bitterness in Hizashi's heart and bloomed it into something akin to hatred. I suppose, much like the polarization of peace and war, you could not have one without the other in some form.

He loved his brother, that much was clear, but his exceptionally talented son was banished to a lesser quality of life because of birth order. Even if Hizashi had been born a second son, just a few years after Hiashi, he would've been able to stay in the main clan. We would have been part of the main clan - Neji would have been a part of the main clan - and spared the curse of oppression placed on our family.

Hizashi had only been sent to the branch clan because he was Hiashi's twin and their father had wanted to remove any possibility of competition. He needed to be banished from the line of succession so that no one could claim that the wrong twin had been chosen as the next heir. Their father had failed, since the clan had still considered Hizashi an equal candidate, but regardless my husband felt bound to his fate and the seal.

XxX

On December 27th, 1457 Lady Hinata turned three and Neji's fate was sealed. Literally.

Neji had turned four years old earlier that year and Hizashi had spent every day since then brooding silently. As had I. Once Lady Hinata turned three she would begin her training in the clan's techniques and Neji would be called forward to begin serving as her protector. That was what the twins' father had decided and we could not fight it.

Hinata's birthday was also a momentous day because an agreement had finally been reached between Kumogakure and Konohagakure, the two villages still clinging to the Third Shinobi World War. The Head Ninja of Kumogakure, the ambassador to the Raikage, had arrived in the village earlier that same week and was going to be signing a peace treaty that very day.

Thirteen years of my life had been consumed by that war and shaped who I had become. It was over. It was hard to believe after so long and the village had erupted at the news…but while the rest of the village celebrated in jubilation, the Hyuuga Clan was solemn. I should have been happy but, on the day that the war ended, all I could think about was the curse mark being placed on my son. It ate away at me like a disease.

Hizashi gave me the option to stay behind when the procession was getting ready to leave for the main clan's estate. I considered it. Neji didn't know, but this procession would take him to the main estate, where he would be branded as a lesser Hyuuga for the rest of his life. Did I really want to walk my son there? Did I really want to be part of this?

I bounced between going and not going several times – even as the procession began to gather in front of the estate I was still only half decided. I lurked on the veranda in my formal kimono but with my hair still down, caught between finishing getting ready and going back to my room to hide.

"Mother, are you going to come too?" It was finally Neji asking me directly, his innocent expression and tone had ultimately been what convinced me to go. In one movement I wrapped my hair around my hand and arranged it into a messy bun – pining it with a single decorative comb. It was messy and, in a few hours, it would fall out, but it was what I had time for.

Then I took Neji's hand and walked over to join Hizashi. My husband eyed me carefully. Even my son stared up at me intently, sensing something was wrong, but I refused to meet his eyes.

The walk to the main estate had never felt so long and though I could sense Neji was uncomfortable with the way I had forcibly clenched his hand, I only held him tighter. I never held Neji's hand and, despite how little he was, he knew that something was very wrong. My face on the other hand gave nothing away…I made sure of that. My composure was the only thing I had left.

Despite the years I'd spent agonizing over this day I had never felt anything negative about Hiashi until that moment, when I was staring him and his father down in front of the main estate, while he levelly stared back. In that moment I hated Hiashi, with every fibre of my being, and I clung to Neji's hand like my life depended on it.

"So, Lady Hinata is three years old today," Hizashi started, his voice even stiffer than usual. There was a thick tension that resonated around the street as the two sides of the family stared one another down, "Congratulations."

I was thankful that it was not necessary for me to say anything because I don't think I would've been able to. There was a lump in my throat so large that I could barely breath around it let alone speak. I noticed that Hinata's mother had stayed home and I wondered, again, if I should have done the same. Stayed away from this horrid business.

I felt like my son was a lamb that I was leading to slaughter.

My eyes snapped to a movement to Hiashi's right, where his daughter was peeking out from around his robe and taking in the sight of her extended family. Right now, she and Neji were the only children around their age in the family and I had been keeping them apart. This would be the first time they would have seen other children around their age let alone one another.

She sent Neji the tiniest smile that Neji returned without hesitation. Not for the first time I wondered how he turned out so sweet with parents like us: parents who were slowly being warped by bitterness and hate when previously they'd never known such things.

He turned to his father, who was standing on his other side, and I was forced to let go of his hand as he turned to use it to whisper. I quickly folded my hands into my sleeves and cast my eyes toward the ground…almost insecure now that my son had slipped from my grasp.

I felt like I was drowning out of water, but I was determined not to let the weakness show.

"She looks nice, father." I overheard him say to Hiashi, probably elated to finally meet his cousin and have a friend his age to play with, "Don't you think?"

I didn't see Hizashi's reaction, but it must've been noticeable because it was enough for Neji to give a small, surprised sound.

"Mother?" Now that his question had been quietly discouraged, Neji turned to his least favourite parent for an answer. Neji usually asked his father things because his father always gave good answers whereas I, when around, was somewhat disconnected. Hizashi's expression must truly have been something terrible for him to give up so easily and switch his inquiry to me.

However, in that moment I understood why all Hizashi could manage had been a facial expression: I remembered couldn't speak. Eyes still focused on the ground I opened my mouth to say 'Yes, son. Very nice.' but I couldn't even manage a sound.

It took everything I had to meet my son's pearly eyes for the first time that day and I was met with innocent confusion. I'm not sure what horrors my son saw in my eyes that day, but it must not have been good, because he recoiled slightly and reached for his father's hand instinctively. As if seeking comfort and knowing better then to seek it from me.

I could only pride myself on the fact that my expression had remained neutral, at least.

XxX

An anger erupted in Hizashi that I barely recognized that night.

While Neji was in bed sleeping off his tiring day I was forced to watch as my husband destroyed our garden. He started with the training dummies and poles but soon my flower beds followed, then the large fence and even the fountain. I watched him the whole time from the veranda, my hands folded neatly in my lap and my expression carefully schooled.

Inside I was both tortured and relieved.

While Neji being sealed was still a curse on our family, a horrid reality of our circumstance, there was still some relief that it was now over. The thing I had been dreading all these years was now over.

Just over.

Neji was sealed and there was nothing that could be done about it now. We couldn't undo it or change it…we just had to live with it.

Clearly, Hizashi had not yet reached the threshold of acceptance like I had.

He was still raging. Raging over the unfairness of it all in private while earlier, amongst his clansmen, he had assured his son that what happened was always meant to happen. That being sealed had been Neji's destiny and the purpose of his birth was to protect Lady Hinata.

If I had to pick a least favourite part of Hizashi's plan that would be it; telling Neji that he was only born to serve Lady Hinata. In a strange, misguided way it made me feel insulted that my own son was being told he hadn't been conceived in love but, rather, for a purpose. Like a tool.

I'd told Hizashi this before, but I'd been disregarded and told that the boy wouldn't care about such things. That whether his parents loved each other would never cross Neji's mind and therefore it wouldn't matter. He'd made this situation sound like it was completely fair and like Neji never had a choice – as if Neji being the heir to the clan was never remotely possible or within reach.

Hizashi believed that if the boy was taught not to dwell on the missed opportunities caused by his circumstance, then he wouldn't become weighed down with the same bitterness we were. We decided that we would do everything to pretend we were fine with this, so then Neji wouldn't consider its wrongness, and lead a happier life as a result. The only thing worse then being sealed, in my husband's opinion, was being sealed and bitter.

He didn't stop until the garden was destroyed and then his head snapped quickly to me, the veins bulging along his temples as he leered at me with his byakugan. He was angry at me, but I already knew he would be, so I didn't dare act surprised. He was angry at everyone tonight, even those he would need to find a reason to be angry with, and I supposed that was his right.

"-and you." I knew for a fact he hadn't spoken until this moment, but he began as if he was in the middle of a conversation with multiple parties. Like I was standing amongst a crowd he had been screaming at and I was his next target. I imagined he probably had been imagining this entire time, working through some internal monologue while he destroyed everything in sight. Saying inside his head everything he'd wanted to say all day but couldn't. I could see the appeal to his fantasy.

He stalked towards me and I braced myself, though not out of fear. It was true I had never seen a rage like this from him before, and there was a part of me that questioned if he would strike me, but I also knew he wouldn't. This was still Hizashi.

"How could you let him see that?" He seethed at me and I didn't respond – partly because I wasn't sure what he meant and partly because I knew responding would only make it worse. He wanted me to ask what he meant. He wanted an excuse to say more, and though I was sure he was going to anyway, that didn't mean I'd give in. "That look in your eyes was unacceptable. Disgusting. Filled with nothing but resentment."

I let him throw the words at me like weapons and I understood what he was referencing. I had wondered about that at the time – wondering if Hizashi had seen the way I'd looked at Neji when he'd asked me if Hinata looked 'nice'. Even I didn't know what my eyes had shown but I knew it wasn't good by my son's reaction.

"We talked about this, Kiyoko." He raged, pacing in front of where I sat, "I told you if you couldn't handle it to stay home. I told you we were going to do our best to help Neji accept this and that-that look was as far from acceptance as possible and what's worse he didn't understand."

Part of me wanted to point out that he had clearly had a 'look' as well given Neji's reason for addressing me in the first place, but that wouldn't de-escalate the situation.

"Do you know what he asked me after he was sealed?"

I said nothing. Hizashi knew I didn't know what he asked – my one saving grace had been that I wasn't allowed inside the sealing chamber.

"He asked me if the seal was why you hated him." That did shake me. My body jumped involuntarily, for once my passive mask shattered, and my heart leapt into my mouth in shock. Of all the things I was prepared for Hizashi to say that was not one of them. "He thinks you hate him, Kiyoko. Worse, he is beginning to suspect the seal is the reason for this perceived hatred."

I was reeling and for the first time in a very long time I felt tears begin to well up behind my eyes. My nose stung alarmingly, and my throat began to close; I was terrified by the foreign feeling. When was the last time I cried? Years; maybe even a decade or more. Had I cried when Atsuko died? I couldn't even remember.

My own son thought I hated him…and why shouldn't he? In hindsight I did everything to stay away from him. I had been so afraid to ruin him with my insecure parenting, lurking bitterness, and fear of the day he would be sealed. When was the last time I held him? Stroked his hair? Sat with him? Was I even a mother?

I didn't want to cry in front of Hizashi, worried that it would make him angrier. What right, in all this, did I have to cry?

So, I said nothing, but I did rise slowly to my feet and turn back to enter our bedroom.

"I am not finished." My husband's stern voice followed me as I slid open the door.

"I am." I replied numbly, acknowledging for the first time that there was no fight left in me.

I didn't even bother to change out of my kimono, I just slipped off my socks and climbed into bed. I pulled the covers over my head, like I was a child again, and buried my face in my pillow crying as silently as I could manage. I heard nothing else from Hizashi after that, though there was a loud cracking sound that I learned the next morning had been him taking the last bit of his anger out on the veranda.

It was well into the early hours of the morning before my tears had stopped and, apparently, that was about the time that the last of Hizashi's anger finally ebbed away. I felt the bed shift as my husband joined me and he ripped the covers from over my head abruptly. I didn't protest as the cool night air hit my hot face, still sticky with dried tears.

We said nothing but sometimes words aren't needed.

He reached forward and pulled me into an embrace, so close it was as if he was trying to pull me into his soul and buried his face in my hair.

Unspoken we agreed that we were tired.

Physically and spiritually, we were just so tired.