Civil Affairs Narutoverse - The World Where Neji Lived - PART IV

With the war over and Neji sealed, I found that my resentment was steadily ebbing away. I was not happy that Neji had been sealed, but the relief I felt that night had not changed. It was over: I did not have to worry about it anymore. There was always the fear that a member of the main family could hurt Neji using the seal, but Hiashi was a good man, and I trusted him not to use such a dangerous jutsu unnecessarily. If Neji was well behaved, which he was by nature, I had to trust that things would be fine.

Hizashi's, on the other hand, was still strong. Sometimes it could be overwhelming, and he was slipping up more around Neji as time went on. At first, he had been good at hiding it but Neji was a smart boy and he picked up on his father's quiet discontent despite our efforts. Still, in the beginning Neji did not know what to do with this information.

Somehow, we seemed to have a raised a kind, peaceable boy who had more then his fair share of humility. Even if he could see through his father's façade, he had no name for the raw emotions he saw there. On the rare chance he caught it, he would ask why Hizashi was so 'angry', but when his father had been proven to never answer he stopped.

It was relieving that, by some miracle, our son remained untainted.

Now that the looming threat of him being hurt had dissipated I found it in myself to try harder at being a mother. I still would not say I was good at it, but I tried, and I did improve. I likely still came across as cold, I did not cuddle or coddle as it was against my nature, but I did start making time for Neji everyday. The idea had been Yuzuha's. She had told me that more then anything children valued time spent together, if it was quality, and I figured that should be doable enough.

So, I arranged it with Hizashi; no matter how much Neji trained, or where he and his father went, or how late I worked there was always to be guaranteed time for the two of us to be together. Unintentionally, this had created a clear routine to our daily lives which previously did not exist. No matter what, everyone was home by 6:30 so that we could have dinner and then Neji could have the time with his mother.

In the beginning Neji did not enjoy his time with me.

I imagine he had been so convinced that I hated him, and I had spent so little time with him, that he likely thought his father was losing his mind for forcing this on him. He was a polite boy, he never protested aloud, but he had his own ways of doing so. For the first few weeks of this arrangement, he would shoot his father a pleading look every time we would finish dinner and he realized his father expected him yet again to spend the next two hours by my side.

I thought I was boring too so I could hardly blame him. I was always so unsure, so scared to say anything that would upset him, that often I never said anything at all. I would just sip tea and scramble for words that never came. I did not know the first thing about my own son or how to be a mother to him and when I asked Hizashi what he liked he was hardly any help.

He told me Neji liked training – which of course was something I could not do with him. Even if I had been a kunoichi training was something special that he shared with his father and, sometimes, his uncle.

I knew Neji liked bird watching but that was a hobby that he always did with grandmother and I would never dream of taking that from them.

What did I do with Neji before this that we could share? Well, usually I dragged him along while I did chores, or I pushed him off on his father.

We shared nothing and after nearly a month I feared we never would. Occasionally I would think of something that we could try, a craft or a game, but I would always get nervous and cancel my plan. I always told myself whatever I had thought of was a stupid idea: a boy like Neji was too intelligent for silly games. Then on the opposite spectrum, I caught myself devising plans that were too mature and likely would not hold his interest. So those were scrapped as well.

All we ended up doing was sitting in awkward silence for hours. I figured I was, at least, teaching my son some patience which was something but that thought did not satisfy me.

Despite my failure I did not give up. My son needed to know I did not hate him. My son needed to know that he was the most important thing to me in the whole world.

It turned out my saving grace had been Neji himself.

Unbeknownst to me until days after, the boy had finally outright complained to his father about the time he was forced to spend with me. I had been hurt but not surprised when Hizashi had told me this while we sat in bed together, reading our respective books like we always did. But what hurt me more then Neji's valid complaint was the fact that while Hizashi was telling me this…he was laughing. Not a small chuckle either…hearty laughter.

"I don't see how it's so funny." I told him plainly, fighting to keep the indignance and pain from my voice. Part of me wanted to cry but another part of me said that once a decade was enough – tears were useless anyway.

"Kiyoko," Hizashi chided, his laughter subsiding and being replaced by a tender expression, "Have you considered that you're trying too hard?"

"How?" I questioned, fighting to keep my voice it's usual monotone, "If I'd been trying at all I wouldn't be in this mess. My own son wouldn't hate me."

The corner of his lip quirked upwards in response but he quickly forced it down. He was still laughing at me and I wished he would stop.

"He doesn't hate you. Quite the opposite, actually." Hizashi began, looking into my eyes searchingly. I did not make it easy – I was desperately trying to look anywhere but at him as I tried to process my hurt and shame. How had I let things get so far? How had I let fear poison my relationship with my son? Even my parents, as cold and stern as they were, would be ashamed of me.

"Kiyoko," My husband implored me, finally grabbing my shoulder to get me to look at him properly. "He loves you so much."

I felt my face turn to stone at those words. How? How could he possibly love me? After how I had behaved…it was not true.

"Hizashi, you've never been a liar," I began tersely, finally deciding that attempting or at least pretending to read was my best escape, "Don't start now in some foolhardy attempt to spare my feelings. I know where I stand and it's no less then I deserve."

I felt his hand fall from my shoulder and decided that he was likely weighing his options. It was getting late and I did not fight often but when I did, I would go all night. My husband knew this better then anyone and he would likely decide this battle was not worth it. I did my best to focus my scrambling thoughts on the page in front of me, fixating on one line.

The wedding was over, and the bride-people were gone, her father and herself were left to dine together, with no prospect of a third to cheer a long evening. Her father comp-

In an instant the novel was ripped from my grasp while at the same time I felt myself pushed on my back, pinned beneath the form of my husband. I was shocked at his behaviour and a small part of me wondered whether he had decided now was the time to end our year long dry spell and what on earth about that miserable conversation had put him in such a mood. That thought was quickly abandoned though when a glance into his face found no playfulness but instead severity.

We had been married for a very long time now, Hizashi and I. Thirteen years. In the best and worst times of our relationship I found we barely needed words. I was being scolded, though what exactly for I was not sure. I had a few guesses, of course, but as this was neither a best time nor a worst, I would need him to clarify.

"Why don't you talk to him?" He questioned, staring searchingly into my eyes. "He says you sit there in silence."

"I will say something wrong." I replied simply, feeling tension slide from my body at the confession. "I don't think I know how to talk to him."

Hizashi nodded, as if I had confirmed something he already suspected.

"You don't need to be so cautious." He told me calmly, "He would love to hear anything from you – anything at all. The weather, your garden, your work…anything."

I could not fight the frown that emerged at the suggestion. I could not just talk about anything.

"You can." Hizashi replied to my thoughts, and then the severity was gone and replaced by a familiar gentle smile. "Did you not realize that he hangs on your every word? He can recite almost everything you've said to him like a recording on the radio."

I raised an eyebrow slowly in disbelief.

"It's true." He urged, finally moving to toss the book he had been holding this entire time gently on the ground though he did not unpin me. "Remember how you were telling me about work the other night at dinner? And you went on that tangent about how the Declarations worked? He remembered every bit of it. Word for word."

"He's a smart kid." I dismissed, disappointed that had been Hizashi's example. Neji was very smart for his age – it did not surprise me that he could recall something like that. While the procedure I had described had been a lot of information at once, it had not been a particularly complex process. It was very straightforward.

"Kiyoko…he's still just over four." Seeing he had not yet won me over he continued, "When I asked him about it, he had no clue what any of it meant he just remembered the words because you said it."

I stayed silent, contemplating this but not fully convinced.

"That's what he said: I remember because mother said it."

I felt the dam break. I was convinced but it took me a long moment to process that information. Neji just wanted me to…talk to him? He valued what I said that much?

"All I have to do is say something?" It was not really a question for my husband, I was more just echoing my own thoughts, which was fine because he wouldn't have answered anyway. Seemingly deciding he had won, Hizashi was taking his victory lap; he had started with my collarbone and was now using his lips to trace my jawline.

Now that we were both in a significantly better mood, ending the dry spell made a bit more sense.

Hizashi's hands, one which was currently sliding up my thigh, agreed.

XxX

Hizashi had been right. I had been so blinded with worry before that I hadn't noticed Neji clung to the rare words I gave him.

Things got better. Not perfect or even great…but better.

I wrote things down to talk about the first couple times we spent time together after that, terrified that my mind would go blank and I wouldn't be able to think of anything. Gradually it came easier. Soon, the routine was that Neji spent his two hours a day with me sipping tea and talking. Just talking. At first, he said nothing, he would just listen to me talk to no one about nothing with rapt attention. Perhaps a 'yes, mother' would be thrown in where appropriate but other then that I was met with silence.

After a couple weeks though, the talking became a conversation. I suspected Hizashi had something to do with it, as he usually had something to do with everything.

The day my son and I spoke, really spoke, to one another for the first time was…amazing. I had never felt such joy over such a simple thing in my entire life. He laughed with me and smiled lightly…he had his father's smile. Closed-lipped, gentle but sincere. So sincere.

That night when Hizashi had entered our room he had smiled at me from his place by the door.

"You'll be happy to know you're not boring anymore." He had informed me, clearly just as pleased as I was with the outcome.

Over the next few months that followed, sipping tea became garden walks while holding hands and reading together on the veranda when the weather was nice. Neji was a good reader and could easily read most things himself already but I discovered the boy seemed to sincerely enjoy the sound of my voice. He'd almost begged one day to be read to. He never had to beg again: after trying it once it quickly became my favourite thing to do with him.

I started with my favourite fantasy novels from childhood and was delighted when Neji seemed to share the same enthusiasm for the creative tales.

I imagined by many standards I still came across as a cold mother.

My face was far from expressive, physical contact was unnatural to me and outside of our special time together I rarely spoke. However, for the first time since Neji was born, I really felt like a mother. For once I did not feel incompetent or awkward around my own son and I felt like all the love I had for him was not just received…but returned.

I still remember the first time I realized just how far I had come with Neji.

It was a Sunday, so I was not working and for once Hizashi had no tasks to complete for his family or missions. We found ourselves with a rare, priceless day of freedom from both the village and the clan. My husband had the idea to take Neji to the Hokage faces for the first time and let him see the village from the top – so I put together a lunch basket and the three of us made our way there. Hizashi could have easily made it there in minutes but we weren't in a hurry, so the stroll took us over an hour as we stopped to look at various vendors and even a street performer who was swallowing swords.

I had forgotten how tall the mountain was, and how steep the stairs, until we were finally upon the entrance. Over the last hour my arms had steadily grown weaker and what once was a light basket had become heavy. Neji looked very excited and he quickly climbed the first three steps before stopping to already look out across the landscape, as if he were much higher then he was. A smile pulled at my lips as I took in his bright, wide eyes and his smile. A little wider then normal but still his father's regardless.

I debated my options. I could ask Hizashi to carry the basket or I could stay at the base. I considered the height and steepness of the mountain once more, judging whether I would be successful at reaching the peak after the long walk.

"Let me carry that, Mother." I heard Neji say and before I even looked down two little hands were already lifting the basket up and away from my arm. While I didn't doubt my son's strength, he was already in training to be a ninja after all, the basket was nearly half his size. I stared in a mix of bafflement and concern as I contemplated this new parenting problem that had arisen – on one hand my son was being kind and I didn't want to discourage his kindness. On the other hand, the poor boy couldn't see over the silly thing. He wouldn't get to enjoy the view while we climbed if he kept holding it like that.

Hizashi, far more skilled a father then I was a mother, seemed to have already reached a solution. He wordlessly took the basket from the boy, clearly fighting an amused smile as he did so.

"How about I take the basket." It sounded like a question, but both wife and son knew it was a statement. To my surprise, Neji pouted and leaned towards his father with a beckoning hand. Still looking like he was fighting amusement, I watched as Hizashi leaned down conspiratorially towards his son's eye level. Neji put his hand up as if to block the sound but his poorly concealed whisper left my heart aching.

"But I really wanted to help Mother." The little boy admitted, and I did my best to pretend I had not heard while my heart thumped with happiness against my ribs.

I locked eyes with Hizashi in an instant and I am not sure what he saw on my face, but it gave him pause. I quickly looked away in a poor attempt at pretending I had not heard why my son said. Pretending that my chest wasn't clenching, and I didn't suddenly feel like I had indigestion.

I loved my son. I loved him more then life itself.

In my distraction, I had missed something, and I was brought back to my senses by the feeling of a small hand sliding into my own.

"Come on, Mother." My son's soft voice accompanied the contact, "We can reach the peak together."

I almost wanted to weep with happiness at his simple words.

Almost.

XxX

My new relationship with my son temporarily blinded me from the terrible realities of life in the Hyuuga Branch clan. I would even go so far as to say that I had been so focused on fixing my relationship with my son that I had forgotten about clan politics and Caged Bird Seal altogether.

That had been a mistake.

My head had snapped around at the sudden sound of the door smacking open – I had been ready to either scold Hizashi or keep silent depending on his mood but was not prepared for the sight that met me. My husband was hunched over painfully in the doorway, his brow covered with sweat and his eyes glassy. His teeth were clenched together in a snarl of pain the likes of which I had never seen before.

I was immediately on my feet, the book I'd been holding dropped to the floor with a thud.

He was so much bigger then Neji, that it took me a moment to realize that the only reason the man was partially standing was the small boy. He had wedged himself dutifully under his father's chest, holding the man up as best as he could, his face twisted in determination even though he was clearly losing the battle. The two of them had been training with Hiashi and Hinata today…what on earth had happened? Why had Hiashi allowed Neji to bear the burden of bringing his father home?

I felt a flood of emotions all at once, apprehension, anger, fear, and overwhelming sadness. Sadness because I had never saw Hizashi in such a state before and I was certain he would have preferred it if I never had. I had enjoyed a view that my husband was infallible for many years which was the way we had both preferred it, even as unrealistic as it was. It was a mercy to me that he had never shown me any weakness; he didn't want me to worry when he was away on missions. He did not want me to ever see him unable to handle a situation or suffering. He didn't want me to doubt that he was capable…didn't want me to doubt that he would return to me.

It was not right but it was our way.

I scrambled to relieve my son of his burden, taking as much of my husbands' weight as possible while I guided him to our bed where I laid him down. I placed a hand on his forehead – finding it sweaty but thankfully the temperature it was meant to be.

"Hizashi what do I do?" I asked desperately, "How do I help you?"

He seemed to be stifling a pained groan, clearly trying to minimize whatever damage he felt he was doing. I just wanted him to drop the façade. Now was not the time for the masks we were so fond of to be on.

"…n-nothing…you…c-can…do…fine…j-just need…rest."

"Are you sure?" I questioned, determined to call a doctor if need be. I had no idea what was happening to him after all, but I also knew that if a doctor was called at the wrong time that meant no missions. If he was breathing, and pretty sure he would continue to do so, Hizashi would be livid if I called a doctor without his consent.

There was no verbal response, just a slow and pained nod before his eyes visibly rolled back in his head. He had lost consciousness. I stopped breathing for a moment, silently panicking, before I leaned over and placed a hand gently on his chest. It was rising and falling peacefully. Almost as if he had merely fallen asleep.

I remembered Neji in that moment.

He was still standing in the doorframe, a little fist raised to rub at his eyes while he fought back tears.

"Are you alright?" I asked, aware I sounded wooden. Despite every instinct in me telling me to pull my son to my chest and hold him for the next hour I resisted in favour of figuring out what happened.

Neji nodded bleakly.

"What happened?"

So, Neji explained, and with each passing second my heart sunk further into my stomach. It had seemed to the young boy that one moment things were fine and the next his uncle had been attempting to leak his father's brains from his ears. I knew that could not be true. While it was clear Hiashi was slowly growing tired of his twins' standoffish behavior and resentment, he still loved his brother dearly. I had faith that Hiashi had a good reason for what he had done.

Hizashi and I would never speak of that day but in my gut, I knew that my husband had messed up.

I knew without being told that his mask, once carefully worn, had slipped too far and his brother had sensed his malice. If it were just towards himself perhaps Hiashi would have done nothing, but that malice had been directed towards his child and so…he had overreacted as any parent would.

The next time we saw Hiashi for a mandatory clan meeting there was guilt in his eyes. The way he reached out for his brother, looking for the words, but was held at bay by my husband's small smile crushed him more then anything. I'm sure my stony expression was equally unapproachable.

We did not want his apology because we understood. Of all the reasons Hizashi had grown to resent Hiashi that incident was not one of them. Since Neji's sealing I had abandoned my negative feelings for the most part, focusing everything instead on my son and my husband.

Would we not have done the same if the situation were reversed if it meant protecting Neji?

Hiashi, soft-hearted as he was, attempted to make it right several times needlessly…only to be brushed off every time.

It was not until years later that I learned that by not discussing it, by accepting it, Hizashi and I had only left our son in darkness. Despite his genius he was only a child…how could he possibly make sense of what had occurred without guidance?

The first seed of resentment was sowed in my son's heart that day and we had unintentionally allowed it.

XxX

It had been nearly a year since the war, with Lady Hinata soon to turn five, when everything came to a climax.

I had been incensed to learn of the attempted abduction of our clan heiress, of my niece, by the man who had been accepted into our village with friendship. The whole clan was suitably outraged, and I saw Lord Third more times in the month that followed then ever again in my life. It was never more then a few days before the Elder Council lured him back to the compound demanding answers and justice.

The entire clan, myself included, had expected Kumogakure to be cowed by the discovery of Hinata's abduction attempt. Maybe not ashamed but at least self-aware enough that they would decide to throw us a half-hearted apology to avoid a war…but that didn't happen.

The Raikage seemed to realize the kind of power he held and spun the story on its head. Suddenly the Hyuuga were in the wrong; they claimed no such abduction attempt had been ordered nor taken place. They claimed this was all a front for the Hyuuga to harass Kumogakure, perhaps to extort them for money in exchange for the peace they had worked so hard for. They even suggested that the Hyuuga were warmongers who didn't want peace in the first place.

They claimed there was no evidence that Hiashi Hyuuga hadn't simply murdered the Head Cloud Ninja in cold blood.

It was true that the only facts anyone had from that night was that the Head Cloud Ninja was dead and that Hiashi killed him. No one really knew for sure that the abduction attempt had taken place. Hizashi had been the first to arrive on the scene and informed me that Lady Hinata had long since been taken inside, later an admitted error in judgement on Hiashi's part. Apparently, the girl had slept through the entire thing and her father hadn't wanted her waking up to see her first dead body. Before doing anything else he had returned her to her bed.

Of course, the clan believed Hiashi – the man didn't kill without reason – but it was true that there was no evidence. Not a single person could even corroborate his story.

Lord Hokage found himself in a very difficult position. What had once been an attempt to get justice for the Hyuuga Clan, had now turned into a full-time job of trying to appease Kumogakure with minimal loss of life.

The compound was grim.

During the day things were as they always had before, but in the evenings the adults all met solemnly to discuss the same possibilities by candlelight. Never wanting to decide on one but realizing that in the end they would have no choice.

Finally, a clear demand was made to settle the matter and it shook me to the core. Kumogakure wanted Hiashi Hyuuga's dead body as recompense for the death of the Head Cloud Ninja. A life for a life.

Of course everyone knew they just wanted the secrets of the byakugan.

The day Hizashi made his decision we had been siting quietly on the veranda together, sipping tea and admiring my garden. It had been a rare moment of peace, one I would always treasure, before he acknowledged what was plaguing our clan.

"Tomorrow is the deadline. I want you to know; I plan to be killed in Hiashi's place to prevent the byakugan from falling into enemy hands. There's a meeting being held this afternoon." My husband's words were mechanical, and they shocked me, though they should not have. Hizashi had considered this possibility days earlier and had been discussing it with me piece by piece.

Each day had been a new detail about the speculative possibility of him pretending to be his brother and how it would work. Yet, instead of gently weening me into the idea, all this had done was made the possibility not seem…real. Made it seem like it was some wild idea, or even just an inkling, barely worth my worry or consideration.

Yet here Hizashi was telling me that it had been decided, it was happening, and I had no choice in the matter.

It took me a moment to realize that I had dropped my tea and my hand had begun to sting in response to a burn I hadn't even realize I'd inflicted on myself. He immediately reached for my hand, surveying the damage in his typical calm manner. I stared at the side of his face, tracing his features, wondering why it had to come to this. Why my family?

Why was it always my family?

In that moment, I was beyond tears. A disturbing numbness had settled over me like a blanket – it was both a suffocating and surreal feeling.

"Why?" I questioned him, my voice airy and barely above a whisper. I wasn't trying to be quiet, but it was almost as if I didn't have it in me to be any louder.

Hizashi didn't meet my eyes, still just turning my reddening hand over in his own as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world. After a few agonizing seconds I realized he wasn't going to respond.

"Hizashi, please." I pleaded, my voice breaking, "I need to hear what you're thinking or I-"

I was cut off by my throat constricting with overwhelming grief, but my husband knew me well enough to understand what my next words were meant to be; or I will never be able to accept it.

He did look up at me then, his determination obvious in his face but it softened when he met my eyes, and I was greeted with a familiar gentle smile.

"It's because Hiashi's my brother, I love him, and I will die to save him. Just as I will die to save Neji from a life governed by war." His words were straightforward but there was hidden meaning within them. I had willfully forgotten over the last year what it had been like for me to live my entire life governed by war. The restrictions of war had chosen everything for me; my job, the clothes I could wear, the media I could listen to, the foods I could eat…even my husband. Of course, in giving me my husband it had given me the life of my precious son, but the war had taken more lives from me than it had given.

Atsuko, dead before she was even of age majority.

Shuro, separated from his family for years on some important war-related mission never to be seen again.

Tomoe, withdrawing himself from his family to only focus on his duties as an elite ninja.

My father, dying of complications from his injuries.

My mother, dying of illness she had contracted working for the village smithy.

Who would another war take from me if Hizashi did not sacrifice himself? My precious Neji, little Hinata, soft-hearted Hiashi, the countless clansmen I had grown attached to…maybe Hizashi would die anyway. His life was not guaranteed if we faced another war.

I was brought out of my thoughts by the feeling of his hand coming to rest on my lower abdomen. I was a little surprised by his silent acknowledgment of the child I carried.

I had only just discovered it myself, having missed my cycle that was meant to be a few weeks ago. I had initially dismissed it as a cycle missed due to the stress of the situation following Hinata's abduction but after a few days I knew my denial was just willfulness. Something in my gut told me I was pregnant again though it hadn't exactly been a joyous thought with how difficult I found motherhood to be.

"Just as I will die to save you and the child you carry."

Hizashi's verbal admission that he knew my secret brought conflicting emotions. Since the baby wasn't developed enough to be seen by the byakugan, I realized the most likely explanation for this knowledge was because he'd been trying to get me pregnant. An accident, as Neji had been, was one thing but we hadn't discussed this.

I should be angry with him and part of me wanted to be…but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I knew if this had happened months ago one of our rare arguments would have erupted, shaking the clan compound to its core as we battled wills and intellects. We would have fought for weeks, maybe even a month. Hiashi would inevitably try and make peace between us once or twice but would be ignored. Then, one day, Hizashi would look at me the right way or say the right thing and I would realize that I loved him more then anything besides my son. I would acknowledge my pregnancy as the gift it was, forgive him, get swept up in his excitement and all anger would be forgotten.

Today, however, I didn't have that kind of time. I didn't have weeks or months with my husband…only minutes or hours. This afternoon he had a meeting with the clan and then, when the inevitable decision was reached, he would be dead by the end of the day. How could I taint the final few hours we had together with anger I knew would only subside with time anyway?

Besides the anger I chose to ignore there were other emotions. Fear being a prominent one. I was not good at being a parent. I had needed Hizashi after Neji was born. He was a good father. He always knew what to do. How could I raise this child alone and not mess things up?

There was also a profound sadness at the realization that Hizashi would never know this child and that I must live through the torment of anticipating the Caged Bird Seal again. Only this time…I would be alone.

"I love you, Kiyoko." My husband pulled me into a tight embrace, "I love you so, so much. You deserved better then this."

I buried my head in his chest, trying to memorize the feeling of being held by him. Trying to memorize his smell; he smelled like autumn.

"Hizashi…"

I don't need or want better…I have you. Despite myself I couldn't bring myself to say that aloud…but I knew that he understood.

"I love you too." Was what I said.

We stayed like that for hours, occasionally shifting positions but never letting one another go. At one point I wondered whether I was stealing time from Neji but my husband informed me that he would prefer not to see Neji right now. Instead, he had spoken to Neji before he came to me, early this morning, though he had not told his son that it was their last time together. I did not ask what he had told him: it was a moment shared between father and son. It was not meant for me.

When Hizashi's father finally came to solemnly collect him, my emotions had dulled to muted acceptance and I had resigned myself to remember only the good about that day.

XxX

It wasn't until I was with Hizashi's body that I cried.

Neji still did not know about what had happened. I didn't know how to tell him and Hizashi had made it clear that he didn't want me telling him. He had told me that he had discussed the matter at length with his father and it was decided that the grim task of informing the boy of Hizashi's death would fall to him. I had protested little but protested, nonetheless. Shouldn't a child's mother tell him that his father was dead?

My husband stood firm on that matter: I was not to be the one to inform Neji of his death.

He didn't tell me his reasoning, but I knew because I knew my husband. Leaving me with no responsibilities other then to mourn and live was his final act of compassion towards me.

It was night when the branch clansmen, the men who had worked with my husband for years, came to get me. Despite the fact his death had been quick and painless, the seal upon his forehead had activated burning away his eyes and destroying his brain. A precautionary measure so that it couldn't be studied…as was the curse seal's ultimate purpose.

They had done their best to prepare the body for me to see but urged me not to remove the cloth they had placed upon his face. I was informed that I would have a few final hours with his body, to mourn and take part in the funeral rites before they gave the body over to the procession from Kumogakure.

I had taken painstaking care to prepare myself. I never usually cared but I felt tonight, after all Hizashi had done to protect me, it would be blasphemy to neglect myself. Though he wouldn't see it I took this as my last opportunity to look nice for my husband. I wore only my best mourning wear which happened to be a heavy kimono of rare black silk I had worn to my mother's funeral. I took time with my hair, for once, brushing it thoroughly and asking my servants to help me pull it up into an intricate style. I had selected three decorative combs – all of which had been gifts from Hizashi. They weren't meant to be worn together, the colours clashed, and they weren't meant for a funeral, but I had them all put in. Each comb had a happy memory of Hizashi attached to it and I wanted to bring those memories with me. It was like they were armor to protect me from the pain tonight would bring.

At first, I was very composed, quietly leading the procession of the branch clan from our estate to the main estate, where Hizashi's body was waiting for us. Neji was in bed sleeping, as were a great deal of the clan. Only those involved in tonight's loss were awake. Typically, a bell would be rung as we passed each household but my husband's death was treated like a secret and so we passed each house in silence.

I was fine until one of the clansmen opened the door for me and I entered the room, immediately greeted with the sight of Hizashi's body in the center.

I had prepared myself for this moment but something broke, my composure left me and I crumbled. I was three steps away from his body, so close but so far, when I dissolved into sobs, my knees buckling, and I fell towards the floor only to be caught by a nearby clansmen. Through my wretched crying, which I couldn't even focus long enough to stifle, I vaguely registered the man leading me the rest of the way forward. He gently lowered me and deposited me at Hizashi's side, where I proceeded to cry onto his cold chest.

There was no warmth…no heartbeat…he didn't even smell like autumn anymore.

I had accepted Hizashi's death but that didn't mean I had processed it. I thought I was prepared for this but that had been foolish. How could someone prepare themselves for this?

I wasn't sure how long I stayed like that but eventually my sobbing subsided though I didn't move from my position as I came to terms with what I was experiencing. In the time I had been crying, the branch clansmen had taken up position around my husband's body, similarly falling into various states of grief. Those from the main clan were noticeably absent.

Just as I thought that I heard the door on the opposite side of the room slide open, but I didn't bother to look. Exhaustion had begun to settle in my body, and I found that even curiosity couldn't resurrect my energy. It wasn't until I heard the footsteps, quick, and notably those of someone much smaller than an adult that my head snapped up to view the new arrival.

It took me a moment to register that it was Neji. I wasn't sure how he had known about his father's death or where we were, but he had appeared. I regarded him with a blank expression, trying to come up with how I should behave…how I should react. I should send him to bed. No, I couldn't do that. He had just found out his father had died: I couldn't just send him to bed like it had never happened.

My hesitation was my downfall. During my brief moments of contemplation Neji had reached his father's body and was now kneeling beside me, staring at his father's covered face. His head was turned away from me so I couldn't see his expression, but I found I could easily imagine it. What I did see was the tiny dops of tears that fell to land on his father's cold chest.

Then he reached for the cloth.

"N-no-" was all I could manage as I frantically reached to stop him which got the attention of the clansmen across from us, who similarly lunged forward. This, however, ended in failure and too quickly the boy had removed the covering from his father's face. I gasped at the sight and in a rare motherly instinct pulled Neji away to cover his eyes.

The clansmen across from us quickly returned the cloth to its place but the damage was done. I saw it. Neji saw it.

I could never forget it.

Hizashi's eyeless corpse haunted my nightmares for years.