After traveling for a day and a half, we were walking beside the rice paddies that bordered the village. I couldn't help but wonder how long it had been since my eyes last gazed on the rustic little village that filled me with nostalgia. The place never seems to change, and I would have believed it to be so if the village hadn't expanded its reaches and if the air wasn't busied with the sound of constant activity. New arms worked in the fields as older ones watch and instructed with backs once strained with the rigorous cultivation of the staple. The sound died as we walked through what I knew would one day become the bustling streets of Tokyo. We were demons after all, a well-known lord and lady at that. As we walked, the silence was disturbed by the cries and laughs of children as they played joyfully. My eyes wandered toward the sound, intimidating the younger, new generation of workers, gazing over the life that filled the immature bodies as they played with sticks, stones, and essentially anything they could find. I slowed as we passed the children as my gaze became all the more blatant while my mind drifted the children I would have in the near future. My gaze shifted to focus on the movement in the corner of my eye, wanting to analyze the reaction of the mother who would quickly shoo her children out of the view of the unknown demon that was staring at them. However, I was in for a wonderful surprise. The mother did not come to shoo her children away, and better yet, the young mother was familiar. I faced her as she lifted her toddler out of her older children's way.
"Sango?" I called, hoping my eyes weren't aging too quickly.
When the woman looked up and spotted me, a smile slowly spread across her lips as I moved closer to her, confusing those who were watching my every movement, excluding Sesshomaru of course.
"You and the monk have been busy, haven't you?" I asked as I hugged her.
"The letch couldn't keep his hands to himself." She laughed as she entrusted her youngest child to her oldest daughter. "It's been too long since we've last seen each other."
"It has. Time just started to run by after the first few weeks"
"How have things been for you?"
"You know how turbulent the first couple of months can be for newlyweds."
"I know all too well, having dealt with it myself, and then supporting Kagome."
"Things are getting better, and that's all I really care for. How has it been, being a mother and all?"
"You get used to it after the first month or so of waking up in the middle of the night to calm a crying baby."
"I can't imagine myself doing such a thing. I never was a morning person."
"I remember all too clearly. You gave us quite the earful when one of InuYasha's fights woke you up. You looked like you were going to kill him."
"That was probably my intent." I said in all seriousness.
My comment shattered the atmosphere, leaving Sango's shy chuckle to salvage what was left of the friendly vibe our conversation once held. Before I could move the conversation forward, Sesshomaru slipped his hands around my waist and placed his hands on my stomach. He buried his nose in my neck, wanting, and successfully stealing, my attention.
"Oh, look at me, stealing you away from your husband." Sango commented. "I'm sure we'll be able to talk again later."
The wailing of a child filled the air, stealing Sango's attention. She bowed goodbye and rushed off to care of her rough-housing children. Sesshomaru pulled me away, reverting to his possessive ways, refusing to share me with anyone, and glaring the stray glances away.
"No one is going to steal me away."
"No man would dare take what is mine. But what would I do, should you be tempted away by the exotic items I cannot procure?
"I will return to my tower, where you will have me to yourself, No foreign object can convince me otherwise. Let me wander for a while."
"I cannot let you wander far. Nothing is sure so long as there is uncertainty."
"My fancy is not so fickle."
He made no attempt to let go, and I'd be damned if I contested with him any further. If there is one thing he is ever persistent about, it is me. He won't let me slip away until he is satisfied or certain. It seems to me that one of the few fears that grips his heart has me centered as its source. We both harbor the fear of losing someone significant, a fear that will drive us both to commit awful and unwonted acts. Love can be a troublesome emotion, and relaying it, even more so. It is not a single emotion, but a term coined to describe the indescribable and the varying degrees of emotion that follows along with it. It's a hassle, love, but that second of pure, ultimate- horribly terrifying, yet surprisingly uplifting- euphoria is worth the years of pain put into it.
"Tell me, what are thinking?" Sesshomaru asked, turning me to face him before holding my chin and tilting my chin up to have direct eye contact with me.
I ignored my optometrist's directions, and gazed straight into those suns. Like always, I got lost in the sweetness the balls of honey showed only me. "You look like a scared pup, clinging onto me like this." I said with a light blush dusting my cheeks.
"What were you thinking?" He asked, adjusting to my mind's inconsistency.
I was silent as I sieved through my thoughts and worked to form a sentence. "You won't lose me."
His grip tightened as he pulled me behind a hut to lay his head on my shoulder.
"What can I give you? What does your heart seek? I will bring it to you." He said within a decibel range only I would be able to hear and understand. "What would you have me do?"
"I'm scared you'll bring me a dead bird." I joked.
I was forced to assure him that I did not want him to catch a bird, or anything, in my name, when I saw the intent that gleamed in his eyes.
"Whatever your heart desires, I will give you."
I could only smile at him, not knowing how to respond. I don't know what I want for dinner, much less what my heart desires. That's the type of question that will give me existential nausea.
He unraveled me from his arms and settled for having me within arm's reach, occasionally reaching out to graze my hand with his fingers to prove to himself that I was not too far. We continued farther into the village before something new caught Sesshomaru's attention, making him split off to do whatever he deemed important. I would have watched him go, but he was out of sight before I could turn to face him. Wasn't it a second ago that he was insistent on having me close by?
I chose to ignore his sudden change in attitude and continued to Kaede's hut. As I entered through the thatch laden door, a wave of heat rushed toward me. A few loose strands of hair gave way to the air as my eyes scrunched to keep the air out of my eyes. When I opened my eyes again, I was comforted by the sight of a familiar miko stoking a fire.
"Kagome!" I called as I attacked her with my hug.
I regretted the decision after realizing that we were much closer to the fire pit than I thought. Thankfully, the miko developed an impeccable sense of balance throughout our previous journey.
"Whoa there." She stated. "Kazumi? I wasn't expecting you for a couple more days."
"I wanted to catch you off guard." I lifted myself off of the woman. and sat across from her.
She stared at me before turning back to finish her work with the fire. "I know when you're lying."
"Okay, we may have expedited our trip a little bit…"
"Why? Is something going on?" she asked.
"Well, there's my short leash and everything…"
"You keep trailing off. Just be blunt."
"I'm pregnant and Sesshomaru doesn't want me out for long."
"You see? That wasn't so hard, now was it?"
I let the information sink for a while. When I realized that Kagome missed what I'd said, I made my next comment. "Kagome, you could at least listen. I'm pregnant."
"You're pregnant?" She asked.
I nodded my head.
She turned to face me and stared silently before a smile lifted her lips. Her eyes widened slightly as she jumped out of her crouched position by the fire to hug me. "Oh my goodness. Congratulation! You're going to have a kid running around the house now."
"Make that two."
"Two?"
"Yup."
"Twins? That's amazing!" She said as she calmed herself enough to sit in front of me. "To be honest, I'm still somewhat surprised that Sesshomaru chose to settle down. It's going to be even harder to understand that he's going to be a father."
"He's very sweet." I responded. "He's just willing to get rid of anything that gets in his way or poses a threat. And to be honest, I'm not that far behind him."
"I can't lie and say that you two don't complement each other stunningly. You give him a reason to puff his chest out in pride, and he gives you someone to dote on and oblige."
"I don't dote on him."
"Would you like me to point out how you get your sadistic and masochistic kicks out of him, even though it's oh so sly?"
I was silent.
"Then you do enjoy doting on him."
"But when are you and InuYasha going to give Kaede grandchildren?" I asked.
She blushed heavily. "We're not related to Kaede!"
"It's a metaphor." I smiled. "But I'm more than sure you don't sleep at night." I said, throwing caution to the wind. "I know Sesshomaru and InuYasha aren't very similar, but I'm sure they have at least one similar tendency."
"I just don't think I'm ready to have kids yet."
I gazed at her as she looked away from me.
"Or could it be that InuYasha went and did something stupid again?" I asked.
"It can be frustrating being his wife." She admitted.
I said nothing as I introverted away from the topic.
"What did Sesshomaru do to you?" She asked, picking up on my coldness toward the topic.
"It's a sore topic."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"No. not really. It's done and over with, and I'd like to leave it buried."
"I won't push you to tell me." She told me. "As for InuYasha, he suddenly stopped talking to me. He keeps coming home late and telling me to get off his back whenever I ask about his day. I don't know what to do."
Silence filled the room as we both reflected on what was going on in our lives.
"I mean, he should have told me he felt like he was losing me instead of pushing me away!"
"Then he wants more than just your words for support. He's silently crying to be spoon fed." I started, not filtering my own thoughts. "He doesn't know how to communicate what he wants or how he feels. So drown him in kindness and compassion. Make him remember he belongs to you, and you alone, and that you won't have it any other way. Make him pay for neglecting you, regret questioning your love, feel the pain and guilt he laid on you. He'll crawl back, realizing that he's overlooked all your effort and cling to you for dear life, realizing that his beloved wife is on a different plane from all other women. After seeing that he has every aspect of you trapped in a cage, waiting to entertain like the little canary you are, he'll be more than willing to treasure his obedient little pet."
She was silent for a moment. "I want to say that Sesshomaru's rubbing off on you, but I don't think he could ever come up with something so circuitous.."
"You may not see it, but there's not much I can pick up from him, but there's lots he's learned from me."
"Then it's just your sadism showing a bit."
I face palmed before speaking. "Why can't I think of these types of solutions when I need them myself?" I asked rhetorically.
"We should do this more often then." She replied.
"Next time Rin comes over, I'll be sure to follow."
"I didn't even realize how old Rin was until she got here. When I heard she was coming, I imagined a small eight year old running and clinging onto my legs. How old is she now?"
"Twelve. Her birthday was last week."
"You know, she'll be getting married soon."
"Don't remind me." I sighed.
"I didn't think she'd start dating so young."
"She's dating?"
"She didn't tell you? She's been seeing a young man. I think he's the son of a human lord."
Well this was new. Rin told me about a young boy who had jumbled up her emotions, but that was quite some time ago. Was it the same boy as before, the one who gave Rin the gem I told her to treasure? Is he the son of a human lord? I suddenly felt like a horrible guardian. I'd fallen out of touch with Rin, and now she was off growing up on her own.
"Actually, I think she's with him now. She said Sango was going to chaperone."
"I was just with Sango." I informed.
"Then she must be serious about this one." Kagome deduced. "She's willing to sneak around for him."
The thought of Rin running around, doing who knows what, behind our backs did not surprise me. We used to do that all the time, so why would I expect her to not do be cunning when I am not around? She is a smart girl, smart enough to have me snared in the affair. I knew she held some interest in the boy; I even told her to cherish it. Heck, I was the one who gave the man the code name, Bunny-chan, in case Sesshomaru was ever listening.
I stopped, recalling Sesshomaru's earlier out of character action, before having the color in my skin flee. "Oh God." I choked.
We were in trouble, and there's nothing I can do to stop that. I'm not even sure if I should try. I may be a miracle worker, but somethings are just impossible. It was painfully obvious that this fell under the impossible category.
"What's wrong?"
"How long has she been seeing him?" I asked as I quietly got up. "Please tell me that it's only been a few minutes."
"Since she got here. She said you were okay with it."
"If Sesshomaru asks you that exact same question, lie. I'm begging."
"She didn't?" Kagome stated with wide eyes as she understood why I was getting up.
"I need to go, like right now. It was nice talking to you" I said with a wave before heading back toward the door.
Unfortunately, the thatch covering the door opened before I could do so myself. Rin stumbled into the room as a hand reached and grabbed my wrist. I yelped as I was pulled out of the house and pulled to follow behind Sesshomaru. He sought the privacy of the forest, wanting to avoid prying ears and eyes. Within a minute, we were by the abandoned well. The spell that seemed to freeze time in the village must have stemmed from this place. The well hadn't aged a day since I first found myself waking up by its side. Its soft splintered wood still held its spongy characteristic, but seemed to not degrade at all during the years that passed. Moss had not invaded the wood, but still took comfort in the nooks that weather created when it still had an influence on the temporal gate. My gaze left the well that started this all and returned to my husband who was watching me quietly.
"You allowed for Rin to see a ningen." He stated.
"I can't say that I did."
"Then what was it that you said?"
"I told her to follow her heart." I squeaked.
"Then you admit to having knowledge of this." He replied coldly.
"I can't say that I didn't." I confirmed.
"You chose to not inform me."
"I only knew she had an interest. I had no idea she was actually making contact with him." I clarified. "I just found out now."
We were silent as the awkwardness of the situation started to settle in. Neither of us had a clue on what Rin had been doing while our backs were turned. Of course she wouldn't have done anything drastic, but we should know what she does. We are her guardians, yet here we were.
"The human promised himself to her, and she accepted." Sesshomaru said to break the silence.
"What?"
"They will marry when she becomes of age."
He sounded rather calm for someone who was supposed to be upset.
"Who told you?" I asked.
"The ningen was rather brave about it."
I was rather jealous. Was I not the more approachable one anymore? I'd assumed that marriage offers would be sent through me since I don't intimidate everyone that walks up to me. I guess I was wrong about that. Or maybe this was an exception. This had to be an exception.
"Are you okay with it?" I asked, ignoring the nagging in the back of my head that demanded to be reassured that I was the approachable one.
His silence had me bracing myself while my gaze waited for whatever made the hairs on my arm stand on edge. I was watching for any sign of discontent, and to my discomfort, found none. Was he really upset about it, and if not, why?
"I did not think Rin to be of the age for making such decisions." He told me, sighing mentally.
"Sesshomaru, you are rather calm." I told him, at least making him aware of the fact that his lack of anger was disconcerting. "Are you okay?"
I reached out and held onto his sleeve as I searched for the answer to my question within his eyes. When our gazes met, he turned away. Something snapped within me, letting the anxiety I didn't even know I held flood to my face as I felt my skin sag and take on pounds of weight. I don't know what I must have looked like, but it caused Sesshomaru to turn further away. I let go of his kimono. For the first time since we met, as far as I could remember, he avoided my gaze. He wasn't waving it off, or changing focus, or simply ignoring me. He couldn't bring himself to look at me, destroying one of the main filters within my mind in the process.
I wanted to hide, to just run away and solve the problem after analyzing the situation and coming to a logical conclusion and formulating a decent plan of action. I didn't think to deny myself the pleasure of fleeing and the comfort of preplanning my words. With the most resolve I've had in weeks, I threw my arms around his back and held on as tightly as I could. If I let go now, we'd both be lost forever. I wouldn't let the chase grow old, or let others blow out our flame. I buried my head in his back and kept the cry that burned my throat silent as I forced the words in my mind onto my tongue. He would listen to what I had to say. I would make him face me.
"Don't you EVER avoid my gaze!" I shouted. "Whatever you do, don't avoid my eyes." I muttered as I lost myself to my aching chest. "Sesshomaru, I love you more than my own life. I don't want to lose you. I don't want to cause you pain! If you're unsatisfied with me, then throw me out!" I cried, embarrassed by the tears that were damping his back. "You're doing everything you can to amend things, so you must feel like I haven't forgiven you, or that I still don't love you again. I never stopped loving you! I'll never stop loving you!"
He tried to move, and I frantically clung to him tighter.
"I love you too much." I cried, feeling myself break at the thought of him turning his back on me now and walking away. "I'm too damn cautious! This is all because I'm being wary on how much love I show you because I don't want to get hurt, but it's just making things worse. Why do I keep denying the thing that I know both of us want? Why am I such an idiot? I don't want you to leave me, and I don't want to leave you, so I push you away? That's stupid! Oh so stupid. Sesshomaru, please, don't leave me." I cried silently as I let go of his clothes to cry into my hands. "Don't let me go. Don't get bored of me. Don't choose someone else. Don't look anywhere else if I'm not there. Don't ever look at anything else." I murmured softly as I backed away. "Don't let the anything else entertain you. I wish to be the sole object of your desire, to be all you'll ever need. I'm selfish, and needy, and insecure, and worrisome, and weak, and sensitive, and jealous, and spiteful, and prideful, and indecisive, and burdensome, and useless at times, and, and, I'm just mad for you." My entire body burned with the emotions I could not out into words. "I'm helpless."
My tears had run dry since majority of my dismal energy was already spent. I moved my hands away from my face, staring at the wet mess through puffy, red eyes. My lungs and throat burned from my stifled crying and expanding chest. The moment of passion was gone, and I was left wondering why I'd gone on a tangent, embarrassed by my immature articulation of my thoughts. I was ready to leave my thoughts behind, seeing that I'd already selfishly shifted the focus of the conversation from Rin to myself. But Sesshomaru was more than willing to lay our burdens to rest. Despite my tears that drenched my hands, he locked his left hand with my right and held my head so he could kiss me comfortably.
"Nothing of mine is useless." He whispered in my ear after his quick pecking on my lips and holding us together with his mokomoko.
Physically, I'd maxed out on how embarrassed I could be. Mentally, and emotionally, I was about to faint. Anything more would blow the fuse that is my brain.
"I'm sorry." I apologized. "I won't push you away anymore. I'll embrace you, even if that embrace drags me into the darkest pits of both worlds."
"Do you swear this?" He asked as he took his right hand and ran it through my hair.
"You are the only person who will ever have my word." I replied.
"You have no condition?"
"I trust you with my entity, just as you have entrusted me with your own."
"I have done no such thing."
"You cannot fool me, or yourself. The words may have not come from your mouth, but your heart drowns out all other noise."
His hand trembled in the slightest as he reached to cup my cheek. I held his hand still as his fingers traced over familiar skin.
"It is fine for you to share how you feel. Your words will never be transferred by any other tongue."
"Were you not pregnant, I would take you were you stand."
I was silent as I gazed into those wonderful golden eyes. "I'm sorry for making you wait." I replied.
His kiss devoured my senses, and I let them go.
