Chaos reigned all around. Heimdall battled the charging Fenris Wolf, Hela's pet. Then Skurge stormed forth with the Berserker army from the dead. We were stuck. Hela had already murdered so many of our people in her short stint as Queen of Asgard. Queen, ha! That evil demon- I couldn't think of her as a goddess, even of death, as that put her above my Queen, Frigga. Yes, Queen Frigga was gone from my world, but not my heart. I had served her from the time of my adolescence, but she'd never treated me as a lowly menial. She'd always been kind, even nurturing, to all of her maids. My own parents had passed, leading to my employment. The Queen, and Inga, the royal housekeeper, had been like mothers to me. Inga had retired from service after her marriage, but she and her husband were two more casualties to lay at Hela's feet. I'd been lucky to escape from Valaskjalf and go into hiding. Heimdall had done much to keep as many Asgardians safe as he could, but there were only so many he could help. The malevolent fiend was even now attempting to assassinate Thor. He couldn't fight her, as well as save us. Suddenly a hulking green creature fell from the sky to take on Fenris. Nearly simultaneously, a humanoid composed of rocks wearing armor appeared with an animal-like figure. He casually introduced himself and his friend, inviting us to his spaceship to "get out of here." I was unsurprised to see Loki, announcing with his customary dramatic flair, that our savior, referring to himself, was here. Even in the midst of panic and dread, my heart gave small leap. I'd been in love with Loki from the moment I'd laid eyes upon him as a girl.
Queen Frigga had allowed me to attend her during Loki's magic lessons, because I was so efficient at having whatever she required, or at least knowing where to access objects around the palace. Though normally chatty, I learned as a well-trained servant to hold my tongue and keep my activities quiet, so as not to distract. The son of the queen was already quite advanced in his magic, but always eager to learn more. Youthful Loki, with his boyish good looks and studious manner, was the prince of my dreams, while the other young maids pined for Thor. I rarely saw Loki's mischief, but I heard the tales from the gossipy girls with whom I worked. Once Loki's education ceased, I only came across him occasionally, almost always with a book in hand. He never acknowledged me, hardly even glancing up when absorbed in reading. In those early years, I found it difficult to reconcile the bookish boy I saw with the brazen rebel I often heard described.
As I grew, so did my responsibilities. In addition to efficiency, I developed a reputation for trustworthiness, loyalty, and discretion. I was allowed in all areas of the palace, as needed for my mistress, and given sensitive and delicate tasks. I encountered Loki more often and witnessed the behavior that had once seemed, to me, impossible. Yet, I still sometimes found him peacefully reading in the library, as well. He was an enigma. Queen Frigga believed the flamboyant disobedience and arrogance were an act, a façade that Loki used when he felt vulnerable. She often spoke of his softer qualities- his keen intelligence, his devotion to her. And he was devoted to his mother, if to no one else.
Then came the debacle of Thor's coronation. Frost Giants appeared in Valaskjalf and Thor swore revenge. He convinced Lady Sif, the Warriors Three, and Loki to go with him to Jotunheim. He broke a truce King Odin had brokered years before his birth, reigniting hostilities. Thor was banished. With all the worry the Queen had experienced over Loki's uncertain temperament, she was anguished over this blatant insubordination from Thor. She'd thought Thor a copy of her husband, who would soon gain mastery over his zealous ambition. My Lady loved her sons, but they were her one blind spot. Actually, that blind spot included King Odin, too. As the Allfather, Odin had a reason for everything he did, and one should not question his decisions, and that was that. As a domestic, I certainly couldn't pass judgement on anyone or anything related to the royal family. But in my head and my heart, I privately disagreed, though I admired the loyalty my queen bestowed on her family. We could not know that bad was to become much worse. My duties were mainly focused on the Queen, but I had palace chores, too. A small team of us went into the vaults once a month to clean. Since the incursion of the Jotuns and their demise by the Destroyer, we'd had much more to do than just dust and polish. We made our way down toward the Treasure Room, hearing voices. We weren't forbidden in the vaults when King Odin was there, as long as we were noiseless, so we continued down.
"The Casket wasn't the only thing you took from Jotunheim that day, was it?"
"No. In the aftermath of battle I went into the temple and I found a baby. Small for a Giant's offspring, abandoned, suffering, left to die. Laufey's son."
"Laufey's son?"
"Yes."
"Why? You were knee-deep in Jotun blood. Why would you take me?"
"You were an innocent child."
"No. You took me for a purpose. What was it?" Then Loki's voice echoed throughout the cavernous storage area, "TELL ME!"
We froze on the steps. The leader of our crew motioned for us to turn around to exit. We still overheard King Odin's response. "I thought we could unite our kingdoms one day. Bring about an alliance, bring about permanent peace…through you."
"What?"
"But those plans no longer matter."
"So, I am no more than another stolen relic, locked up here until you might have use of me?"
"Why do you twist my words?"
"You could have told me what I was from the beginning. Why didn't you?"
"You're my son…I only wanted to protect you from the truth…"
"What, because I…I…I am the monster parents tell their children about at night?"
"No! No!"
"You know, it all makes sense now, why you favored Thor all these years…."
None of us spoke until we reached the supply closet. Our superior tersely ground out, "We will never speak of this. If I hear a single rumor, I will turn you all in for treason." With that, he stalked off. Not even an hour later, we were informed that the Allfather had fallen into Odinsleep and Loki had been made temporary ruler by Queen Frigga. Within a week, King Laufey of the Jotuns had invaded Odin's chambers, and been killed by Loki. Thor returned soon after, with news of some horrible misdeeds Loki had perpetrated. Loki topped it all off by trying to exterminate the Jotuns. He and Thor fought, leading Thor to break the Bifrost. Thor and Loki almost fell, but The Allfather had awakened and was pulling them in via his staff. But Loki chose to let go. The scales were lifted from My lady's eyes. She finally accepted that Odin's choices were not always wise, that Loki had chosen his own destructive path, and that her adopted son was gone.
I knew there was no one with whom I could share my own grief. I didn't have a relationship with Loki, just an unrequited, unknown love. He'd betrayed me no more or less than every other citizen of Asgard. But my queen knew. I don't understand how. It was quite some time later that she mentioned that she missed my cheery nature. I assured her that I wasn't ill and thanked her for her concern. "It's Loki, isn't it?" she asked. I stood dumbfounded. I couldn't even hide my reaction, as I should have. "Come here, my dear," Queen Frigga beckoned. "Loki always knew he was different, Sjofn. He tried being what he was not, yet he was never comfortable with who he was. Odin and I did what we thought was best, but we aren't perfect. Neither was Loki. I am aware that you have knowledge of Loki's heritage, as well as the tendre you nursed for him. No, don't pull away. I am not angry with you. I don't fault you for the circumstances that led to these. I remember in his trainings you quietly shared his joy at the mastery of a new skill. You used to stare after him when he was out with Thor and their companions, laughing along when he pulled a prank or when you thought no one was watching. I even sensed that you could relate to the sense of powerlessness over his circumstances when he found out he was a Jotun. You knew how lost and disconnected he felt from all he'd ever believed to be true, because you felt the same when you parents died. I don't want you to forget, though, that those who need love the most will seek it in the most unlovely of ways. Further, sometimes the love we feel just doesn't get through the barriers to vulnerability that others have constructed. Please hold on to your good memories of Loki. But don't let his memory keep you from loving someone else. You have many years ahead of you to find a man who will want your love, be able to return your love, and be in a position to make a family with you." Queen Frigga and I were both crying by the end of the speech, but we found solace in one another.
If only the heartache had ended there. For around a year, Loki was presumed dead. Then he appeared in Midgard, wielding a magical staff, aiming for domination. Thor was sent to bring him back, but that didn't happen quickly enough to avert several disasters, including an invasion of a major city by Loki, backed by an alien army. He was defeated and returned to Asgard, unrepentant, conceited, defiant, and clearly viewing himself as superior to all- including his adoptive father. Obviously, this didn't work in his favor at trial. My Queen attempted to intervene on his behalf, begged him not to exacerbate the situation, but he scoffed at her. Her intervention was a hollow victory. Loki was sentenced to prison for life. For someone so young, it was almost worse than death. Queen Frigga was distraught. She'd begun to feel the wight of responsibility that she hadn't curbed his selfish tendencies, instead of dismissing them. Odin and her closest confidants tried to dissuade her, pointing out that he'd shown signs of instability of character from his childhood. They attributed this deficiency to his true lineage. After all, Thor was maturing and embodied the attributes of a benevolent prince. Still, the queen decided that if Loki could develop some humility and show some remorse, she could persuade her husband to reduce or commute his sentence- King Odin agreed. I was dispatched to the library to fetch as many books as I could find on a variety of topics of interest to her imprisoned son, along with a handful of the queen's choosing on diplomacy. I was torn. I desperately hoped that Loki would respond to his beloved mother, but he seemed to have turned, assigning her as much blame as his father for what he perceived as betrayal. I judged that his egocentric single-mindedness in life had become as much a facet of his personality as his cleverness. I delivered the books to Loki's cell with the aid of an Einherjar fiercely loyal to Asgard's queen. I was able to go directly to the cell, while the guard put the tomes through the force field. Loki observed, but it was clear he didn't recognize me. Why should he? I was a menial, a subject. Queen Frigga, unbeknownst to her king, who'd forbidden contact until and unless the wayward prince relented, used her magic to visit her son. He gave her no quarter, displayed little emotion, and denied their familial connection. After dinner that evening, I held my queen as she bawled. All she could manage to choke out was, "He's in so much pain." I cried myself to sleep that night. I cried for Loki, for My Lady, even for Thor and King Odin, who couldn't be bothered with the errant prince.
There was trouble in Asgard that would bring a fresh wave of heartbreak to us all. Thor's Midgardian infatuation, Jane Foster, was possessed by the Aether. Thor had her brought to Asgard for help. King Odin had attempted to send her away, to no avail. Once he'd realized the possession, he knew she had to be protected. I admit I wondered if it had been my dark prince who'd brought the foreign woman for assistance instead of the golden boy, if the Allfather would've given in. This was petty of me, but I couldn't help but feel that King Odin had often set his adopted son up for failure, while giving his biological child a leg up. Besides, Loki despised Midgardians.
Dark Elves, pursuing the Aether, raided Asgard. My queen, eager to protect Thor's lady friend, and most importantly, keep the magical substance from the dark elves, brought both her magic and her defensive skills to the fray. She battled Malekith, the Dark Elf King, directly, but it wasn't enough. She was slain. The entirety of Asgard was plunged into mourning. I felt as orphaned as I had when my parents died. Queen Frigga had been a constant in my life for so many years now, I couldn't imagine going on without her wisdom and guidance. I was assured by the royal housekeeper that I was a valuable asset to the palace, and that I'd be reassigned. I spent many a night at Inga's home after work during that tortuous period. King Odin didn't allow Loki to attend his mother's funeral- not even in chains with guards. Neither he, nor Thor, broke the news themselves, instead sending an Einherjar to do so. My heart seethed with rage and resentment toward the Allfather. Given his recent repudiation, I imagined that the poor prince was even more grief-stricken than his father, not having had the opportunity to apologize or reconcile with his mother. The queen would have counseled me to cultivate empathy for all, including Odin, and I wasn't insensible of his suffering. The King loved and respected his Queen. But I still believed leaving Loki in the dungeon during the funeral was especially harsh and overly punitive. Thor still needed to get the Aether out of Miss Foster before it consumed her. Whatever plan he'd hatched, he was going to avenge his mother's death in the process and took his brother along. Apparently, the promise of revenge was to buy Loki's compliance and good behavior, while his magic and trickery could be used against the Dark Elves. I was relieved that at least the Crown Prince saw the sense in allowing his brother to work out his emotions in some way other than just thinking about them all the time. Once again, though, bleakness fell over the land. Thor's plan mostly worked, except for one small glitch- Loki had been killed.
The news so soon after the fresh sorrow for my mistress proved too much. I fell ill, both physically and spiritually. Eir's expert skills healed my body quickly. I spent several weeks with Inga to revive from intense misery. I finally returned to Valaskjalf, where I was assigned to court duties. Along with cleaning duties of the Throne Room and government meeting rooms, I was also responsible for keeping these rooms in states of readiness. Further, I was to attend all formal court functions as an intermediary carrying instructions to the lower maids for anything needed. I was briefed on what to expect from the Allfather, though there was some confusion over what the current expectations might be. Odin, too, seemed to be experiencing some sort of breakdown. While his mind was still sharp enough to grasp the complexities of his duties, he focused more on the rituals and ceremonies, basking in the attention. He'd granted Thor leave to relocate to Midgard to be with his love, although he'd fight to protect the Nine Realms, in lieu of kingship. All the formalities of court were still in place, but Odin himself was relaxed when he used to be alert, and given to caprice. Fortunately for Asgard, Odin's advisors were the wisest minds of the realm, and kept government moving along like a well-oiled machine. We all got used to Odin's changed personality after some adjustment. For the most part, he was happy to be revered, made astute decisions when pressed to participate in the actual management of Asgard, and enjoyed reading in his spare time. He had occasional outbursts, though, that made no sense to anyone. Lady Sif had been sent to Midgard to capture Lorelei, who'd escaped the dungeons. She did so, returning Lorelei to her cell. Heimdall saw a Kree land on Earth, so Lady Sif was again dispatched to intercept him. She assisted an organization that captured him. However, she discovered the Kree nation had engineered living weapons, known as Inhumans, and that there was one in the division with whom she'd been working. She made an attempt to bring the Inhuman back to the kingdom, but was persuaded by the leaders of SHIELD to allow the weapon to stay with them. She brought back the Kree. The Allfather concluded that Sif must be exiled for her failure to deliver the Inhuman. He also decided that Heimdall had neglected his duties, so he banished the Gatekeeper, too, replacing him with Skurge. Skurge had been an Einherjar, but not the most reliable. We were mystified. I was reprimanded and threatened with dismissal for disrespecting the Allfather. In my case, I was guilty. I'd been caught staring open-mouthed. Ever since Queen Frigga had guessed my affection for Loki, I'd carefully honed my impassive expressions and been more circumspect in my conduct. I was aware that Odin was much less lenient toward these lapses. I can only say that I was beyond shocked; I was flabbergasted. I don't recall now what words the Ruler used, or what was being discussed, I only remember the thought that popped into my head, "He sounds like Loki." Perhaps I jumped to that conclusion because Odin was busying himself with authoring a play about Loki's death. He droned on regarding the scripting endlessly to every visitor, regardless of the poor citizen's purpose for appearing at court. Two years of such altered behavior had inured most everyone to our king's fits and starts, though, so we mostly just carried on as usual. Even gossip behind closed doors was mainly habitual. He finished writing the play, moved on to planning its production, and commissioned a gold statue to commemorate his second son's death. We missed Thor, but he'd found plenty to occupy him the other realms, so he didn't return.
It was during these years that I wrote a journal that recorded all I'd learned from Queen Frigga. This ranged from quotes, to stories, to recollections of her actions. It contained not only the teachings she'd imparted to me directly, but those I'd picked up as she taught others, too, all the way back to Loki's magic instructions. Along with the magic, there'd been many life lessons along the way. Such a shame my prince hadn't put most of those into practice. Finally, King Odin announced a Memorial Day celebration for Loki, when his play would debut. It was all hands on deck for the retainers, as we were run off our legs supplying the nobility with food, drink, and anything else they might require. Loki's statue was dedicated, followed by the performance of "The Tragedy of Loki of Asgard." The Allfather reclined upon a chaise, while noblewomen supplied him with fruit. I suppose the old man was still attractive enough, and his queen had been deceased for several years, but his comportment was disgraceful. Thor arrived just as the play was concluding. He confronted his father about the dereliction of duty to the Nine Realms, as well as his current behavior. The Crown Prince threatened the elderly king, while the Einherjar looked on, unsure of what to do. Thor threw Mjolnir once, letting it return a whisper from hitting his father. Then he threw the hammer again, stepping behind Odin to hold him in place, saying, "You know that nothing will stop Mjolnir as it returns to my hand. Not even your face!"
"You've gone quite mad, you…You'll be executed for this!" stammered Odin.
"Then I'll see you on the other side, brother!" shouted Thor.
"Alright, I yield," Odin bellowed.
In a shimmer of green light, Odin was revealed as Loki, to whom Thor gave a shove before he was smashed by Mjolnir. Thor demanded to know Odin's true location, to which Loki, with more persuasion from the hammer, admitted knowledge, and off they went.
That night, after all the cleaning had been accomplished, I lay contemplating my prince. Nothing was ever simple with him. He'd finally gotten what he'd desired. He'd been King of Asgard without question for four years. The realm was fortunate there'd been no wars during that time. Although Loki was a warrior, his strategies were too short term, then his impulsive, chaotic nature took over. Without the team of advisors the real Odin had appointed, Asgard could have been in desperate straits. There were many citizens, from the nobles, to the artisans, down to the farmers, who were angry and calling for the prince's execution or re-imprisonment when he returned. I understood why, really, I did. In fact, I didn't wholly disagree. But I finally realized what Queen Frigga saw in her rebellious son. Loki was trapped in his own emotions. I recalled her agonized words, "He's in so much pain." There was hurt that looped over and over, never letting him move on. Pain with a voice that repeated his own words:
"…another stolen relic, locked up here…"
"I am the monster parents tell their children about at night."
" …why you favored Thor all these years…"
Pain that repeated Odin's words:
" Your birthright was to die as a child!"
" Thor has to undo the damage you have done."
"…yes…he will be king."
Wounds that were only assuaged when he received the attention, the adulation, that was always heaped upon Thor. Brokenness that was drowned out by other voices that said something, anything different than what he heard in his head. Injury that was veiled behind a gold statue. Damage that seared his soul. Distress that the queen had tried, vainly, from which to save him. The weight of it pressed on my chest, just as Thor had pressed Mjolnir to Loki's chest earlier that day. No number of tears provided relief. I knew that one day someone could write another play entitled "The Tragedy of Loki of Asgard," but it would proceed differently, and the ending would be heartrending, indeed. For the real tragedy was that the poor man did not know how to give or receive love.
The following day began the most harrowing time of trial Asgardians had individually or collectively ever faced, worse than any personal tragedy or war that had involved our people in living memory. Hela came with the force of a supernova explosion. Most of us didn't even know who she was, just some of the older members of the society. She wiped out the Einherjar immediately, resurrected her Berserker army, and took control of everything. We suffered months of her sadistic rule. Loki had been positively benign ruling as Odin, in comparison. But now help had arrived. I was swept along as the populace who weren't fighting the Berserkers headed for the spaceship that awaited, following Korg, the rock-man. Loki, horned helmet atop his head, cape flowing, made his way toward the battle. We were finally all boarded as the combat continued, unabated, below. We began to take off, but were impeded by Hela's necroswords that created a spike to anchor us to the Rainbow Bridge, which the Berserkers were climbing. Skurge, who'd snuck aboard, found his former Einherjar courage, pulled out his strange Midgardian guns, Des, and Troy, and commenced firing as he jumped from the open passage, even as we achieved lift off. The green brute, Thor, and Valkyrie leapt into the ship just as Heimdall closed the door. We could see Surtur risen over the land, spewing flame with his Twilight sword, setting Asgard alight. Then, after an explosion, the kingdom was vaporized. The land of Asgard was no more. I hadn't seen Loki since I passed him engaging the fight. I assumed he'd been killed. I'd lost everyone I'd ever cared about. I still had a few casual friends aboard the ship, but all of those with whom I'd formed close bonds (or, in Loki's case, desired to form a close bond) were gone. I noticed a door nearby. I slipped through to find myself in a corridor with more doors down one side. The hallway was blessedly clear. The same suffocating sorrow I'd experienced after Queen Frigga's death engulfed me. I leaned against the wall, eyes squeezed shut, as the tears cascaded down my face. I heard the door directly across from me swing open. My eyes flew open and alit on my prince, not a scratch on him. Of course, he'd prevailed in battle. He was nothing, if not a survivor. I smiled.
He appeared perplexed and concerned. "Are you alright? Are you hurt? Do you need someone?" he asked.
"No, I'm not hurt. Just overwhelmed. There's no one here to whom I am close," I stammered, lowering my eyes deferentially, according to my training.
Loki stepped over to me. "I know you. You were my mother's servant and attended the court when…" he broke off awkwardly. "Your name is Sjofn, is it not?"
"Yes, Prince Loki," I answered. My mind swam. Not only did he recognize me, he KNEW MY NAME. I was speechless.
"Look at me. You'll be fine, Sjofn. We'll get you to safety where you can rebuild with all our people. I promise," he told me kindly.
I nodded. He was heading down the hall when I came to an audacious decision. "Prince Loki!" I called.
He halted, pivoting around, surprise writ across his features.
"Thank you for fighting for Asgard. Please know that all you did today was appreciated. You've never received credit for the good things you've accomplished from anyone, other than your mother. I'm sorry to speak out of turn, but I may not get another chance- right now you can't have me terminated or removed," at this, my lips turned up wryly. "Not only did you aid in our salvation from Hela, but throughout the years you fought valiantly in other skirmishes and wars. You've defended us and shaped who we are. You deserve to be acknowledged. Neither Odin nor Thor ever seemed to see you past their own noses at times," my words tumbled out, as if a dam had been loosed. "But, as Queen Frigga's servant, I witnessed private conversations, even some of yours, you may recall. Odin and Thor loved you. Thor loves you still." I grew breathless from speaking so quickly. I was afraid he'd stop me. "Please, please reconcile with him. He wants to truly be your brother. I know about your true parentage. Privilege allowed me where others couldn't go. I was on the stairs of the vault that day, coming down to clean. I left quickly but heard enough. You are no monster, Prince Loki. You may have been born a Jotun, but at heart, you are Asgardian. And you are loved. Even the folks out there on the other side of this wall feel generously disposed toward you at the moment. I beg you, please, PLEASE, take this opportunity to reinvent yourself, to move forward, to find the approval and love you've longed for."
During this speech, Loki had stiffened, his face a mask of calm. I imagined he wished to silence me as quickly as possible, but stood, rooted in place, seemingly listening.
I'd been gesticulating wildly, but my arms dropped to my sides. My had touched the one bag I had managed to sling across my body, containing only a few personal items, among them, my journal. I took a few timorous steps toward the prince. "There is something I want you to have." His expression turned wary. "This is a chronicle of life advice of Queen Frigga that I notated in my spare time over the last few years. I can rewrite them for me. Please take this as a memorial to her." I held the small book out, resting in my open palms. Loki strode over to retrieve the memoir. He perused the first page, turned to the middle, skimmed some more, then to the back pages. He met my eyes. "This is amazing. But I can't take it."
"I can rewrite it. I want you to have it.," I reiterated. I abruptly swiveled to make a hasty exit.
"Don't go," Loki called.
I turned around but didn't otherwise move.
"Will you come talk with me?" he asked.
I nodded. He came back to the entry he'd used into the corridor. He led me into a bedroom. "I'm sorry, you'll have to sit on the bed. I'll stand," he apologized.
"No, no, I'll stand. I am the domestic, you are the prince," I demurred.
"NO. Under the circumstances, you are no longer a servant. I insist that you sit. I just want to ask you a few questions if you don't mind."
"I don't mind that, but I do mind looking up at you. You are so tall. You can sit here as well. I'm not afraid of you and I don't believe you'll do anything untoward," I asserted.
Loki propped and fluffed the pillows at the head of the bed so that we could sit back against them, our legs stretched out before us.
He stared across the room for several beats before querying, "Did Odin actually say he loved me in your hearing?"
"Yes," I affirmed. "Many times, but most importantly, he did so while dealing with the news of your invasion of Midgard. He and the queen were understandably upset, discussing what should be done. Queen Frigga was doing all she could to calm him, but he was as angry as I'd ever seen him. Maybe you reminded him of Hela, though we couldn't have known that at the time. She asked him- point blank- if he loved you. He said that he did, and always had, that his love would remain unchanged. But that you needed to take responsibility for what you'd done, with no mollycoddling. He never actually intended that you'd never see your mother again. He and she both reasoned that once you'd shown some remorse, you'd have your sentence commuted in some way. I don't know why he didn't allow you at the funeral. I found that cruel, but kings don't ask servants' opinions."
For a while, Loki didn't respond. Then he said, "When we found him in Norway, just before he passed, he said to Thor and me, 'I love you, my sons.' Plural. I hadn't heard it in so long from him. I thought he only loved the son who was so like him, who was his own." His voice was soft, barely audible.
There was nothing I could say to dispute his assessment, so I just sat quietly. He opened the journal anew, riffling through the first several pages. "These stories come from my magic lessons. Were you there?"
"I was. I stayed in the shadows, mostly, listening. I was rarely needed during the teaching periods because I made sure all that your mother considered essential was in readiness. I wanted to impress the queen- not for the sake of ambition or advancement, though that came, but because I never wanted to disappoint her. Also, a good domestic should neither be seen or heard. That suited my inclination. I never wanted you to see me."
"Why not?"
"I was still new to my employment and I was embarrassed. I had a crush on you. I was also afraid I'd be reprimanded if anyone knew," I admitted softly. I conveniently left out that the crush had never resolved. There was no point in that particular revelation.
"This is a treasure," he stated. "It ought to be transcribed and placed in the library wherever we rebuild. Mother deserves to be honored and memorialized, like I never did." He continued to leaf through the pages. "Why did you give this to me?"
"You didn't get to say goodbye, as we did. She loved you, so much, Prince Loki."
"Just Loki. As I mentioned, you are no longer in service."
"She was aware that you were very different from your brother in temperament, and that you would need ways to express yourself and hold you own- with the Allfather, with Thor, with your peers. She loved Thor, too, of course, but he's always been confident of his place in the world, and the welcome he'd receive from most he met. She wanted to give that to you, too. I just thought that, as you go on, having her words could be an inspiration to you, as they've been to me."
The intense aquamarine eyes searched my face, as if endeavoring to see into my soul. "You said in the hallway earlier that you have no one. You were obviously attached to my mother. You are passing what is clearly a highly valued possession to me that connects you to her. I just think there has to be something more. Most Asgardians don't like me, or are indifferent, at the least. You are showing immense thoughtfulness. This is about more than the funeral."
I could feel a flush rising on my cheeks. I did not want to talk about the sentiments I had that were irrelevant to him, anyway. I settled for a Frigga-centric version of the truth. "I learned to see you through your mother's eyes. She wished to go deeper than your behavior to figure out what drove it. This will be difficult to hear. Just before her death, when you sent her away from your cell, she held her emotions in until after dinner, when she thought she was alone. I happened to be in her rooms, putting clothing away. There was no way I could exit unseen. When I came upon her, sobs wracking her body, I broke all protocol to hold her. Her only intelligible words were, 'He's in so much pain.' I believed her. She was the only person you ever let into your heart. She saw you. She heard you. She knew you. If you were hurt then, how much more so after her death? When you were revealed impersonating King Odin, I wondered if your wish for the grandiose memorials to yourself and your 'death' were a way to seek the love she gave you. You don't need the adulation of the people. Like I told you in the corridor, you just need to realize that you are loved. It dawned on me that if you had the book, maybe reading her words would help you remember." I'd kept my eyes averted, wringing my hands, knowing that Loki wouldn't likely appreciate what I was telling him. I ventured a glance over. He was staring off again, but tears were sliding down his cheeks. He drew a shaky breath. "I've lost everyone, too. Thor told me on Sakaar that after this was over, we should part ways. He is right."
"No," I contradicted. "He has realized you won't let him into your heart, so he is protecting himself from further pain. If you will open up, even a little, let him know that you want to be his brother, to love him back, he will respond with open arms. Being Thor, perhaps literally. He isn't exactly like Odin. There is the warmth of Queen Frigga in him." We both chuckled a bit wetly.
"What about you?" Loki asked.
"Me?" I was confused.
"What would you do if I chose to let you in, even a little?"
I swallowed hard. "I would be delighted if you would consider me a friend." I said.
"Sjofn, right now, you are my only friend in the universe. And I don't understand how it has happened, but you are just the friend that I need. You learned well from my mother, much more so than I. But I suspect it is your nature to love and encourage others, even when that means holding up a mirror to those who hide from them. Thank you, for the book, as well as the hard truth. May I kiss you?" It seemed harmless, since he was asking permission, so I consented.
He bussed my cheek and gave me a genuine smile, one of the few I'd seen from the adult Loki. I echoed the gesture. We sat for a moment gazing at one another when his expression became more intense. His thumb and forefinger lifted my chin, as his lips touched to mine. When I pressed back, his hand moved to the back of my head, fingers winding into my hair. I was unaware of holding my breath until I needed to let it out. I was too focused on the feel of the object of my desire kissing me. I drew back, my chest heaving with my heavy breathing. Unconsciously, I leaned back toward him, wanting more. Again, our mouths met, this time moving together. His tongue fleetingly darted in, then out of my mouth. Loki's other arm reached around my waist, pulling me full up against his body. My free arm slid around his chest to rest my hand back on his shoulder blade. Our tongues now danced together as our bodies molded themselves to one another. It was he that broke the kiss to state, panting, "If this is not what you want to do, you must leave now. I want you, all of you."
"I'm yours." Our clothes were quickly discarded. We explored the curves and planes of one another's bodies with abandon. All the stress and trauma of the Fall of Asgard, of our individual existences there, were released in hot passion. We found comfort and consolation in each other. Coming down from the climax, we rolled into a warm embrace, while our heartbeats slowed and our breathing steadied. We were content to lie there, not speaking, just clinging together. There was a knock at the door. Loki conjured an illusion of himself, dressed, of course, that opened the door only slightly. We heard Valkyrie's voice. "Thor is going to go to the people and decide where we're headed. He wants you to be there."
"I'll be there in just a moment," the vision told her. When the door shut, it disappeared. "I suppose we must go. When everyone beds down for the night, will you come back and stay with me? We can talk, sleep, or be intimate, but I want to be with you," my prince invited.
"Yes," I whispered. "I want to be with you, too." We redressed, then I headed to the deck of the ship. Loki wanted to talk to Thor before the announcement. I slipped into the crush of Asgardians. It wasn't long before King Thor entered through the door I'd exited. We jostled around to make space for him move through, bowing as best we could in such close quarters. He made a slow parade to the front of the ship. Given my short stature, I could not see the leaders up there, but I assumed Loki was with his brother. Nor could I hear the formal announcement, but word filtered through the crowd. We were bound for Midgard.
