Spring in New Asgard was especially lovely this year. I'd planted some flowers in my yard that were in full blossom. They were so profuse I was cutting some to place around my home for a pleasing scent, while Finn and Njord played. Kjersti and her husband were out with other friends, so Finn was staying with us for the night. I would take the boys to playschool and Kjersti would pick them up in a reversal of our normal schedule. I took my flowers inside to find vases and start supper. I heard the notification tone on my phone but decided to check it later. The two growing lads gulped down their dinner and cleared their plates. I got them into the bathtub and pulled out my phone. Bruce had sent a message that Dr. Strange wanted to speak with me, along with a cell number. I texted my thanks to Bruce for passing along the info and made plans to video chat later in the week. I sent a message to the doctor. He responded almost immediately, asking if he could visit my home to discuss an issue regarding Loki and asking for a convenient time. I told him any evening after eight pm New Asgard time would work for me, since Njord would be in bed. The Master of the Mystic Arts related that he would come by the next evening. I got the kids into pajamas and settled for the night. I spent the rest of my night puzzling over why Dr. Strange needed to talk to me instead of Thor.
The following evening, I'd just gotten Njord tucked in when a knock sounded on my door. I invited the doctor in and prepared tea. Once we were comfortable, he expounded on the reason for his visit. The timelines had been merged. The effect seemed to be that the Loki whom he had in custody, as the only living version, had absorbed the memories of the Loki of our time. Problem was, he believed they were false recollections, planted by Dr. Strange. This sounded like a movie plot to me, but Loki was a mistrustful sort, not unreasonably, so it probably made sense to him. The doctor said Loki wanted me to confirm whether these were truly remembrances because he trusted me. I inquired as to why not Thor, and the doctor said Loki insisted it had to be me.
"There is one more thing you need to know before you decide, Sjofn. I won't go into details, but Loki has been, shall we say, a difficult person with whom to interact. We expected it and have dealt with the situation. However, it has taken months for him to calm down enough to even negotiate with him. He's been asking for you since December. We have only recently determined that it may be safe enough for you to come. You must understand that I can't make guarantees, though. What I can do, is put a forcefield around you so that he can't touch you, and be present, ready to take you away, if he shows signs of intimidation or violence," intimated the Master of Mystic Arts.
"Will you release the forcefield if I wish?" I queried.
"I don't think that is wise. Doing so may leave you vulnerable to danger. I don't want to jeopardize your safety, nor should you, with a small child," he considered.
"What about leaving us alone? There may be details I am uncomfortable discussing in front of you."
"I assure you, there is very little to surprise me and I won't be there to cast judgement on you. I will consider stepping out onto the veranda where I can see you, but even that is a risk. Loki can magically lock me out long enough to take you hostage. That is my greatest concern," warned the doctor.
"I appreciate your concern and I agree the forcefield should not be retracted, no matter how I beg. My worry is that Loki will attempt to expedite the process by simply looking into my mind. I don't want him inside my head without permission. He has likely surmised that the other Loki is Njord's father. I won't give him any material that he could use to take Njord from me. I am perfectly aware he will use trickery to convince me he's changed. But that is something he'll have to prove, and he won't like that at all. There may still be a possibility that I'll want to speak with him alone. I want that to be an option." I was insistent on this point.
Dr. Strange agreed to my request, so we set the plan into motion. He'd retrieve me from my home once my son went to playschool, transport me via a portal. I'd return the same way in time to pick up the children. That would give me approximately three hours to spend with Loki.
I kissed Njord goodbye then swiftly cleaned the breakfast dishes. I had just finished when the doorbell rang. I opened up and stepped outside with Dr. Strange. He created the portal, we exited New Asgard, and arrived in front of a wooden cabin surrounded by forest. Birdsong filled the air. My heart hammered. I had no idea what to expect. The doctor pulled a strand of my hair, flexed it with strands of golden light, then conjured a forcefield around my body. We mounted the few steps to the porch, where the sorcerer rapped upon the -door. Loki, dressed in jeans, t-shirt, and hoodie, pulled it ajar and stepped back to allow us in. He gave me a warm smile. I wasn't reassured; I was suspicious. The Asgardian prince could a charming silver-tongued devil when he chose. He led me to a worn sofa and sat beside me. The doctor was lowering himself into a recliner, but Loki stopped him. "If you must make a nuisance of yourself, kindly so do from over there," the prince intoned, gesturing toward the kitchen table. Dr. Strange rolled his eyes but complied.
"Sjofn, I've been wanting to see you for ages, but that second-rate wizard refused until now. How have you been? I've been so alone here but thoughts of you and our bond have sustained me," Loki intimated smoothly. He reached for my hand but encountered the forcefield. "What is this?" he growled.
"It's a safety precaution," I responded before the Master of Mystic Arts could speak. "You have the power to simply go inside my head for my memories and you rarely ask permission before doing what you want. If you seek my assistance, you must abide by my rules, not the doctor's. Show me you can be trusted. It is my understanding that you want to confirm events that you seem to be remembering that happened to the Loki of my timeline. Tell me what you 'recall' and I will tell you if they match."
My prince regarded me for several beats and nodded. "That sorcerer has been trying to make me think things to suit himself. He wants me in a prison, so that is the first thing I thought of. I was in an Asgardian dungeon cell. I was sentenced there for life by Odin for what he called my crimes on Midgard. I was not to have contact with anyone. An Einherjar who'd been assigned to bring meals to me only the day before, brought you to my cell. You were carrying a large stack of books. I conjured an illusion that appeared to you both as me watching disinterestedly, but I was actually directly in front of you. You were familiar to me, but I couldn't exactly place you. I was also unsure why you'd been allowed to come to me. My mother used her magic to visit me. She'd sent you, she made a point of revealing, because you were so like your namesake, the goddess Sjofn. The second time she visited, I sent her away, refusing to acknowledge her as my mother. That can't be true."
"It is true. I can't confirm the illusion, though what I saw was you leaning against a wall, arms and ankles crossed, as you say, disinterestedly. Your alternate told me later that Queen Frigga felt that I was the embodiment of the goddess. When you dismissed her, I held her as she cried." I fought to contain my emotions. I could see the prince's eyes were glassy with unshed tears, shocked by this revelation. I desperately desired to hold Loki's hand, hug him, something. The forcefield was in place for good reason, though, and it wouldn't be lifted, even if I begged. We locked gazes. I could feel the energy flowing between us as we silently communicated. I wasn't aware of any powers of telepathy he might have, only that we were connected and drawing strength from that connection.
Finally, his eyes broke with mine. We both took a few deep breaths to collect ourselves. He related the incident in which I'd been caught out staring at "Odin". He didn't just have the flashbacks themselves, but also the motivations and feelings that accompanied them. The prince gave commentary on these as he talked. In that case, he knew Odin wouldn't have let the incident slide, as it had been noticed by others, so he had to address it. But he'd specifically requested that I serve at court from sheer curiosity, stemming from Frigga's machinations. He'd instructed the Lord Steward to reprimand, but not dismiss, or reassign me. Loki went on to relay his commission of his gold statue and his stint as a playwright and producer. He took great delight in how he'd forced all of Asgard to not only acknowledge, but celebrate him. The statue was born out of pure spite and some ego, but the play considered to be more sincere. Yes, it was written to manipulate the citizens into pitying him, but also to give voice to his side of the story. He'd been fairly annoyed when Thor, the beloved, came back right then to ruin everything.
I asked if he could tell me of Odin's death. He threw a disgusted look at Dr. Strange, whom I'd forgotten was there. The doctor just sat watching with a bland expression. As he explained that Odin had actually complimented his magical skill and opined that Frigga would have been proud, I saw emotion rise in him again. Then he remembered that Odin had expressed love for both he and Thor. He adjusted the angle at which he'd been sitting to hide his face from the doctor, as the tears leaked and rolled down his cheeks. He cleared his throat. "You told me in New Asgard about this. I thought it was meaningless. I was wrong." I'd brought a bag with me. I reached inside to find a tissue that I placed on the sofa between us. "Thank you," he hoarsely said. Once again, we communicated via our eyes and that strange current. "Go away, Wizard. We have things to discuss that are just between Sjofn and me."
"Go to the porch, please," I requested softly. The Master of Mystic Arts took his leave. Once the door clicked closed, Loki recounted our shared time aboard The Statesman. Several times he reached out or leaned toward me, only to encounter the forcefield. He'd briefly jump up to prowl the room, cursing the doctor. Then he'd rejoin me on the couch and the electricity between us would fire again. When he reached the point in the story where he gave back my journal for safekeeping, he realized the bag I'd brought was the one I'd brought from Asgard. I reached inside again, pulling out my journal. "This belongs to you. I have a copy of my book. But you own the original."
He picked up the chronicle from the sofa reverently. He ran his hands over the cover and binding. "Sjofn, I never meant to leave you. Even when I saved Thor, I wasn't intending to die. I fully expected to come back to you. I'm so sorry."
It was my turn for waterworks. I fished out another tissue. As I did so, Dr. Strange tapped on the front window, then tapped his wrist. My hours were nearly up. The moment had come to tell Loki the truth. "I have to leave. I have to pick up my son and his friend from playschool."
"Ah. I had forgotten…you have… a son." I watched the awareness dawn in his eyes. "Your son…is our son?"
"Yes. Do you recall the photo on my mantel?"
"I felt like I should recognize him."
"Because he looks like you. You even commented that he doesn't resemble me. There is a reason for that, but I can't explain now." Dr. Strange rapped again.
"Sjofn, you must come back. They still won't let me leave here. Please, let me meet my son. I don't even know his name," he babbled, becoming agitated.
"I will come back. I'll arrange it with the doctor. But we'll have to talk about when you can meet Njord. It will happen, but you must have patience. I promise I'll be back!"
The door opened and the Master of Mystic Arts stuck his head in. "Sjofn, time's up."
"I'm coming." I grabbed my bag and stood. I wordlessly told my prince I loved him with all my heart.
Back home, I mentioned going back to the cabin to the Sorcerer Supreme, as I climbed into my car. He nodded and said he'd find time next week. I didn't tell anyone about my visit. Njord would want to see his father right away, I figured, which wasn't going to happen for a while. Kjersti could no longer be confided in, at least regarding Loki. Valkyrie- no way. The last time she saw the prince, he was bullying her. I wished I could get in touch with Thor but contacting him when he was in town was troublesome enough. In space, it would be impossible. That left one confidant. To be fair, Bruce was the best choice, anyway. He'd been with me through the most challenging period of my life and all the tumultuous hormones that went with it. He understood the depth of my love and was unsurprised when I slept with Alternate Loki. Best of all, he'd experienced the time travel that led to the current situation. With the boys back to their houses, I texted, saying I wanted to video call soon. He got back right away to confirm he could talk that very night. I poured out everything. I believed that Alternate Loki truly possessed My Loki's recollections, thoughts, and emotions. Further, I was convinced he was moved, even changed by them. Perhaps he was becoming My Loki.
Fatherhood was the issue. I hadn't had to worry over Loki's past tainting too much of Njord's life, except for that one brief night. Now the prospect loomed. I'd discovered over the last five years that having a child brought back one's own childhood vividly. My parents had loved me, and I'd felt safe and protected until their deaths during my teen years. Loki was infinitely more complicated. I didn't witness his early years at close range, but I knew from Queen Frigga he'd always felt abnormal, in competition with his brother, and somewhat left out. He was sensitive to loud noises, bright lights, and other sensory input as a very small boy. He'd never really had friends of his own, or others who enjoyed magic the same way. Apparently, he'd been taunted by other children for being too smart and bookish- the very things I loved about him- and took jokes personally. When he pulled pranks, they usually involved magic and could've been dangerous. He'd been called effeminate for preferring magic over strength. Men in the Asgardian nobility were versed in magic, as well as women, but it was primarily taught to them as a back-up or an aid to brute strength. Loki was trained as a warrior, he could fight, and was quite good with certain weapons, especially his daggers. But his preference for magical trickery was derided.
I was struggling, desiring to resume a relationship, to maybe even become a family. Even My Loki had a history of manipulation, emotional dysregulation, and violence, though. I wasn't a fool. He wasn't "reformed" when he died. He'd just made a string of less selfish choices. There was no way of knowing how long that might have lasted. Now I had to face the fact that the Alternate Loki could have a deleterious effect on my child. He would bring all the traumatic baggage of My Loki, plus whatever traumas he'd accumulated in his own timeline. I didn't have any details, but when he accidentally revealed that he hadn't jumped to our timeline by choice, I'd thought that ominous. I assumed that whatever or whomever brought him here had been eliminated by the clipping of the timelines, but the damage that could have been wrought would stay with Alternate Loki. The psychological effect of combining My Loki and Alternate Loki still remained to be seen.
Bruce listened patiently, grasped the enormity of the situation, and concurred with my conclusions. He could even identify with a few of Loki's issues. Bruce had also been teased for being what he called a "Teacher's Pet" and "nerd" growing up. There were mean kids who became mean adolescents, turning hostile and beating him up a few times. He developed anger issues. When the gamma ray accident happened, it took anger management to a whole new level. He reflected that it was no wonder that romance had never really worked out for him, much less fatherhood. He ended by praising me for my loyalty to Loki, reminding me that I was my son's protector, and assuring me he was always there for me when I needed him.
The week went by more quickly than I could have imagined. I was nervous for this meeting because it could break the tenuous bond I had with Loki. Dr. Strange and I arrived as before. Loki was on the veranda watching when we came through the portal. The doctor insisted on encasing me in a forcefield again, due to the nature of the discussion I was to have with the Asgardian prince. He'd seen first-hand Loki's temper when thwarted. Worse, he'd witnessed the destruction when that temper combined with magic. Various areas of the cabin and its contents had been repaired after outbursts. My prince gritted his teeth with anger but said nothing when the doctor waved his light strands over me. We entered the wooden house, seating ourselves in the same spots.
"I've been counting the days, Sjofn. I missed you," Loki breathed. He smiled.
I firmed my resolve. "I missed you, too. Today is going to be more taxing than last week, though. Before I get into that, I want you to know up front that I'm willing to call on you every week for a few hours as long as you want me. I'm not abandoning you. But I'm also not going to give in to your every request or plea. And I will definitely not tolerate intimidation. I reserve the right to leave if you throw a temper tantrum or issue threats at any point."
Loki was understandably taken aback. This was very divergent from how our last interview had progressed. He stiffened, his face a mask of wariness. "What has happened? Has that sorcerer said…"?
"Leave Dr. Strange out of this. I have had to think long and hard about the implications of you having My Loki's memories and my son. I promised you will meet him. I have no intention of breaking that promise. There will be a timetable, though, that I hinted at last week. Upon further reflection, you will also be supervised for a while. How long will depend on you. Njord is my first priority. I love you, Loki. I have for most of my life. But I am responsible for Njord, and any risk to his wellbeing…"
"You think I'm going to hurt my son?" my lover practically shouted. He was incensed.
I took a deep breath, blinking slowly. "Not intentionally, I don't think. But I don't think Odin set out to intentionally hurt you, either. I have been a parent for five years, now. It is hard. It brings remembrances I'd long forgotten to mind. Our son has a gentle, loving disposition, but he knows how to push all my buttons when he wants his way. I don't expect that to become any easier as he grows. I need to trust that when bad flashbacks surface or he is pushing the boundaries of your patience, that you'll be able to handle that. You've had to grapple with handling animosity and disappointment as long as I've known you. People who are hurt often hurt others. I accepted that about you, though I always hoped you'd learn self-discipline. It's not about me, anymore. Njord needs for you to be the kind of father you wish you'd had. You can be that for him, but that will mean acquiring some new skills. That is what I am asking of you. That you will be open to learning how to parent, that you will be open to discovering more about yourself. I'm not expecting anything of you that I haven't done myself. I've taken parenting classes, read books, and been to therapy in an effort to be a good mother. It will be a huge challenge, but you are a strong, intelligent man. Obviously, you can choose not to do those things. But I will insist on supervised visits until I know that the artifice and brutality to which you've been prone have abated and that you won't model them for our son. Children do what they see, not so much what they are told. I believe you said as much at your trial when you told Odin that thought you were going to rule Midgard in the way he ruled Asgard. And when I held your mother, she recounted the conversation in your cell. You compared the lives you took during your invasion to those Odin took in battle. Those are exactly the sorts of thing I don't want Njord to learn or imitate. I want you to understand from the outset my concerns, my boundaries, and the consequences. The rest is up to you." I was quaking inside, afraid of the coming outburst, terrified he'd threaten to take my child. Outwardly, I sat straight and resolute, looking Loki unflinchingly in the eyes.
For the first time, he appeared to be unsure of himself. He visibly gathered himself. "You mentioned therapy when I stayed at your house in October. Explain that more fully, please."
I glanced over to Dr. Strange. "Wait outside, please." He was clearly puzzled by my command but left the room. "In and of itself, it is simply talking with someone who has studied behavior who guides one to make changes. There are various types. If you are truly interested, I can find some information to give you to sort through. As long as I am tossing out foreign ideas, here is another. Dr. Strange has life-altering traumas in his past that led to both his vocation as a medical doctor and his position as Sorcerer Supreme of the Masters of the Mystic Arts. His life as a surgeon, a doctor who cut open Midgardians to repair damage inside their bodies, was quite a contrast to the man you see today. In Bruce Banner's words, he was 'an arrogant, entitled, spoiled asshole.' Which means he's changed a lot. He's been through some sort of behavior modification, and could be a resource, if you are willing to ask. I didn't want to mention it in front of him in case you are reticent about seeking his assistance. Also, I don't want him to pester you if you choose not to pursue counseling."
"I am confused. How do you know Bruce Banner? You've referred to him before."
"When I realized I was with child, I had to confront the fact that he'd be half-Jotun. I was unsure how he'd appear. I couldn't allow him to be delivered by an Asgardian or Midgardian in the event that he looked different. Thor called Bruce because he'd worked as a healer and had delivered babies. Njord was born at the Avengers Training Facility, delivered by Bruce. Steve Rogers rubbed my back during contractions, and held my hand and a picture of you for me to concentrate on during labor. Natasha Romanoff lived there, too. She died during the Infinity War. I lived there with them throughout my pregnancy, while I trained for a job to support Njord and me. I left after a medical doctor checked on me post-partum and gave me leave to go home."
"The Avengers housed you and delivered our son? They hated me, for good reason." Loki seemed unable to digest this.
"Tony Stark paid for my training, as well. He sacrificed himself in the final battle with Thanos."
"Tony…why?"
"Because Thor asked them. He was so thrilled that you had, as he phrased it, 'outsmarted Thanos' and would live on through your child, that, at first, he didn't grasp the implications of your adopted status. Frankly, I believe he forgot that you were born in Jotunheim. You were just his brother, whom he loved. So, when I pointed out the potential pitfalls, he did everything he could think of for us- but really for you."
Loki ran his fingers through his hair distractedly. "I…I'm...I don't know what to say," he stammered.
"I'm sorry. I forget there's a lot you missed. But you knew he loves you. You came to an understanding on The Statesman. He hugged you, didn't he? I predicted he would, but you never told me one way or the other."
"Yes, he did," chuckled Loki. "I'd forgotten you'd said he would. You also said he wasn't exactly like Odin, he had my mother in him, too."
"He still does. You'll see when he next visits Midgard. He'll be overjoyed that you are here, that you've gained these recollections, and he'll most likely hug you- again!" We laughed. Our energy bond burst into life. So much passed between us in those silent moments. Too soon, Dr. Strange called me to return to New Asgard. I assured my lover I'd be back in one week.
I was back again, bag in tow. When we got inside, I pulled out papers I'd printed out about therapy sorts. "You can read them at your leisure. Just some descriptions."
Loki tossed the papers onto the coffee table. "I'll look at them later. I'd rather attend to you right now." He probed into my work, my social life, and a plethora of queries regarding Njord. "I ache that I wasn't there for you. You should never have had to worry over having a Jotun child. I know how to prevent that, but I didn't think of it. You were lucky he appears Asgardian."
"You appear Asgardian."
"Due to Odin's magic. He changed me when I was brought to Asgard. I took on the Jotun appearance once when a Frost Giant grabbed my arm in Jotunheim and again when I touched the Casket of Ancient Winters. It was when I held the Casket that the conflict you overheard in the vaults occurred." His voice dripped with loathing.
"I'm confused by that. The spell over Hela was broken by his death. Why would any spell cast on you hold? As a servant, I never learned Asgardian magic, of course. But you were not only tutored by Queen Frigga but read most of the books on the subject in the Asgardian library. Can you explain it to me?"
Loki was thunderstruck. "I don't know. He must've used a spell that would break at my death, not his. I can only assume that the spell he put on Hela was meant to break upon his death. His reasons for his choices were unfathomable to me. Maybe because of the Ragnarök prophecy," my prince contemplated bitterly.
"Thor didn't mention that you reverted to a Jotun appearance when you died. Do Frost Giants have magic?"
"Their own, I suppose. Thor probably didn't want to distress you further."
"Perhaps. But Njord was pale blue with textured skin at his birth," I boldly declared.
"What?!"
"Actually, you can see his birth if you'd like. Tony Stark had all kinds of Midgardian technology around that compound, none more so than in the medical bay. Bruce added a microphone to feed into the computers, in addition to the cameras already there to record my son's entrance into the world. After Njord was born, Bruce pulled the footage from the computers for me to keep." I patted my bag. "I've brought my laptop, if you care to watch."
"Please," came the hoarse response.
I set up my laptop, inserting the flash drive into the port. Bruce had made sure to protect my modesty when he put the footage together. It began when I measured nine centimeters, running through to when I swaddled Njord and placed him in the bassinet next to me. Loki wondered where the photograph of him had come from. I paused the video, explained, and went on. He actually laughed when I cursed him, exclaiming, "Such language, Sjofn! You must have learned those words in the servants' quarters." But when he beheld Njord's transformation, heard my soft, soothing words, he wept.
I waved Dr. Strange out of the cabin. "I promise I'll come right back," I whispered. I followed the doctor. "Release this forcefield. Our time is almost up for today, and he is not a danger right now. Please, we need to hold hands, or hug, or something. We need the connection. Do it now," I demanded. The doctor only nodded and waved his hand. I returned inside to wrap my arms about Loki. His eyes widened in surprise as he pulled me into a tight embrace. "I regret nothing," I murmured. "I have cherished the reminiscence of our brief union together on The Stateman. And Njord has brought great joy to my life, even in the challenges of parenting. My life is fuller and richer because of both of you." We held each other until the sorcerer indicated I must go home. I gave my sweetheart a lingering kiss goodbye.
A few days later, Bruce texted that Dr. Strange had contacted him regarding Loki. The Asgardian prince wanted to speak with him. I told him I was unaware of Loki's intention, but mentioned that I'd shared the birth video. I also indicated that Loki didn't know about Smart Hulk. Bruce wasn't really up for actually seeing the prince in person, anyway, but he'd work out some way to communicate with him, possibly by phone. That gave me the idea to get Loki a phone. Nothing fancy, maybe even an old flip phone. I'd pay for it and we'd be able to call when we weren't together. I presented it at our next meeting. I hadn't informed the doctor. He was annoyed but didn't deny the gift. I showed Loki how to use the gadget and programmed my number into it, and his into mine. I asked if he'd spoken to Bruce. He affirmed that he had and expressed astonishment over Smart Hulk and how Bruce had changed his life. He'd chosen Bruce because of the two totally opposite personalities. He'd intended to ask Bruce how he coped but got more valuable information. Apart from the scientific aspects, Bruce had spent time in counseling himself, leading to the integration of the minds. Loki indicated that he'd often felt he had two forces inside him, vying for supremacy. For most of his life, he termed them good and bad. After the discovery of his birth, he termed them Asgardian and Jotun.
"You know, everyone has that struggle. Most want to choose actions that will benefit, not harm, others. I'm not sure that all Jotuns are bad and we are both acquainted with Asgardians who aren't good. You might want to reconsider those designations. Absolutely don't phrase it that way in front of Njord. I am teaching him that he isn't a bad person because he is part Jotun. Neither are you," I put forth.
"I am bad because I choose to be?"
I half smiled. "You have chosen at times to give in to your darker impulses, especially when driven by emotion. You are capable of sound, even advantageous, cognition when you approach a problem logically. Your anger and hurt tend to drive rational thought out, though. That's when your inner chaos manifests in rash, and often destructive ways. Just something to think about," I tossed out casually.
Loki responded, "The last time I saw her, my mother told me I was perceptive about everyone but myself. As usual, it seems she was correct. Another issue for therapy, I suppose."
"Oh, you've decided to pursue that course?"
He nodded. "I want to meet my son. I want to be a family, so I'll abide by your stipulations. Bruce gave me the name of his therapist, who has also worked with other Avengers. The lady is used to hearing about improbable sounding circumstances and conducting sessions over technology. The wizard is allowing the devices I'll need."
I shot Dr. Strange a grateful smile, then grinned at my prince. A sizzling kinetic force sprang up between us. I waved the doctor away. He started to protest. "You can watch, if you want," I said throatily. The man gave an exasperated sigh but walked out. Loki was as yet unaware that I was unconfined by a forcefield. My prince was flummoxed by my cryptic remark until I kissed him. We were hungry for one another. Every kiss, every touch was white hot. I forced myself to pull back. "I can't have another child right now," I panted.
He rubbed his hands over my abdomen, under my dress, murmuring an incantation. The he slid his hands down to my thighs. With a sharp exhalation, I stood, removed my panties, then straddled my lover. He'd simply magicked away all clothing from his lower body. We rocked together. It was hot and intense, like the other times, but it was different, too. The awareness that we were seeking a future together, side by side, that we were forging a relationship, brought a deeper dimension- we made love for the first time on the sofa in that chalet.
Loki began his therapy and for six weeks, he grew and evolved. Dr. Strange didn't come inside the cabin anymore, nor was I restrained at all. My prince shared some of his experiences from his sessions with me, particularly when he felt he'd made a breakthrough, or was provoked by something he couldn't quite wrap his head around. Most weeks we made love but not every time. But then Loki hit a snag in his counseling. It nearly shattered our burgeoning relationship. He was finally confronting his low self-esteem. For a few weeks, he was reactive, verbally combative, and actively attempted to bait me into arguments. Twice, I left early, refusing to allow him to treat me that way.
The fourth week of this reversion to the dysregulated and volatile Loki, matters came to a head. Dr. Strange was back inside the house at all times, ready to whisk me out. The forcefield surrounded me once again. So far, the prince had held himself back physically, but the strain was showing. His Jotun heritage and Odin's subterfuge, followed by his murder of Laufey and attempted genocide, had come out. Projecting all his self-loathing, maniacal behavior onto his fathers, he stalked about, ranting. He went into graphic detail of how he could have exterminated every Jotun from the realms. His ire triggered mine. Gone was the subservient maid, who'd drowned her misgivings about her love in pity for him. My son was half Jotun and every word Loki spoke sounded in my ears as a recrimination for bringing such a child into the world. I shouted right back at him. I reminded him that his Asgardian family loved him, that he was no monster- to no avail. Then came the blow I knew had been waiting to fall. Loki growled out, "I am a Frost Giant just like Laufey. I could and would turn your little New Asgard into frozen wasteland forever, not just in winter. I could go back to Jotunheim and bring an army to push all of Midgard to its knees. And when I am King, my heir will be there to be groomed as Crown Prince."
I lost all semblance of control. I ran into the kitchen to grab a knife. Loki conjured his daggers. I screamed like the mythological Irish banshee, "You will never take my son. I'm not raising him to be a power-hungry man child like you. You stay away, or so help me I will kill you!" We were heading straight for each other with our weapons. Suddenly, I was tripping over pavers in my front lawn. I dropped the knife still clutched in my grip, collapsing to the grass to bawl. I never knew I had that kind of violence in me. I never dreamed I'd threaten the man I'd loved all of my adult life with murder. A car rumbled by, bringing me to my senses. I went inside, washed my face, and used the computer to make an appointment with my own therapist; my bag with my phone was still at the cabin. Njord and Finn would need to be picked up from playschool in an hour. I got some water and simply stared into space until time to leave.
Dr. Strange dropped in after my son's bedtime to deliver the bag I'd left behind. He seated himself in a chair. He steepled his fingers, resting them against his lips, gathering his thoughts. He lowered his gloved hands. "Sjofn, I can't allow you to visit again. I already had misgivings about Loki lately, but you're both too unstable to continue. I confiscated the phone you gave him. It's in your bag."
I swallowed a few times before I could speak. "I understand. I'm going to my own therapist soon. Please tell me Loki is going to continue with his."
"I don't know. I will allow him to if he wishes. The point is to deal with one's issues. I'm not sure he is in the frame of mind to do so, though. I had to confine him to the house, which I am fairly certain is being destroyed inside as we speak. But I promise you, none of those threats will come to fruition."
I nodded. "I'm not certain he'll ever want to see me again, but if he does, and you deem us both safe, will you let me know?"
"I will. Take care of yourself, Sjofn. Your son needs you. Eating well, exercise, good rest, and counseling will all help." He rose. "I'll take my leave, then. Goodnight."
"Goodnight. Thank you." I locked the door behind the doctor and clicked off the lights. I padded to my bedroom for another good cry.
Counseling sessions took the place of my weekly Loki visits. I had to work through fury I didn't even know existed. Back in Asgard, I'd clung to my view of the prince, as the queen had clung to hers. I did acknowledge his sins and offences, but still defended him, using sympathy as a shield against anyone who sought to paint him as a villain. I'd not just loved him, I'd been obsessed with him, and still was. I stuffed down all my negative feelings about his crimes, resulting in pent-up ire that came flooding out when his poor behavior imperiled my son. My counselor guided me to find a more realistic view of my lover that neither put him on a pedestal, nor debased him, as I felt some Asgardians had done. We also talked through how growth isn't immediate or linear.
It had been months since the explosive scene with Loki. I'd heard nothing from the Master of Mystic Arts since that day. I gradually fell back into my old routines, established before Alternate Loki had arrived in New Asgard. I missed how much he'd become like My Loki. I just missed him. I wondered how he was faring. Nevertheless, I refrained from contacting the doctor. It was during the dark, cold days of January that I received a text. "Loki ready to talk. Forcefield and my presence. Your choice." I confirmed.
From the minute I entered the wooden chalet, I could tell I wouldn't be there long. Loki was sullen. He bypassed any sort of greeting to get to the point. "The wizard says I will not be released or meet my son until you determine. I want to negotiate. I'm sure we can come to some sort of agreement."
I matched his business-like tone. "What are you offering?"
"Marriage. We marry and create a ruling family."
"Oh? What will we be ruling? And am I a co-ruler or just a broodmare?" Dr. Strange was on the edge of his chair, sling ring in place.
"I will be King of Jotunheim and Midgard. You may advise. Njord will be Crown Prince. We can have more children if you like. It would be wise to have an heir and a spare."
"No, thank you. I wish to marry for love, not dynastic considerations. Furthermore, I don't believe Midgard will be conquered. And finally, my son will follow his own path, wherever it may lead. If you care to counter with better terms, I am all ears. Or I can come back later if you need time to consider new conditions."
"I was born to be a king!" the prince yelled.
"Yes, you were," I stated matter-of-factly. "I was born to be a farmer's wife, produce a family, and live a relatively prosperous life in Asgard. Life holds no guarantees, except change. Maybe you need to adapt. I assume you have discontinued therapy?"
"Of course. It wasn't helping me at all," he sneered.
"In my experience, it gets worse before it gets better. I will consider when you may meet Njord for a supervised visit. I can tell you it won't happen until you concede his involvement with your plans. Oh, and out of curiosity, why do you still want to be a king? Thor isn't a king, so there is no competition. Valkyrie is more of an administrator than a king to New Asgard. And you didn't seem to take much interest in governance when you disguised yourself as Odin. So, why?"
"That's what I was raised for. I was taught the skills of kingship."
"Hm. Why don't you make a list of your skills actually are? Since government and administration aren't your forte, find out what is. A new dream isn't a bad thing. If there's nothing else, I'm going home. The doctor can reach me if you want me to drop in again." I reached for my coat, as the snow outside picked up. Loki watched me intently but said nothing more.
