Bye-Bye Barney
It was a normal night at Moe's Tavern and the regulars were chatting with Moe as usual.
"Hey, guys, you want to see how long I can burp after one glass of Duff?" Barney asked, already intoxicated.
"Barney, you've shown us already more than once," replied Carl.
"Yeah, you keep asking us that question at least once a week," added Lenny.
"But we keep saying 'yes' every time so we can keep seeing it again. Do it!" said Homer.
Barney proceeded to chug his whole mug of beer down and let out a belch that went for eight seconds.
"Nice job, Barn! Way to go!" they all cheered.
"Oh, was that an earthquake?" a drunken Barney asked.
"Oh Barney, you never fail to amuse me," Moe chimed in.
Another hour passed, and Homer and others had to leave since they had to work the next day. Barney stayed at the bar until it was closing time. He had no idea what time it was, nor did he care. He just kept drinking like there was no tomorrow.
"Look Barney, you'll be able to come back here tomorrow and have some more, but it's time for me to call it a night," Moe said as he took off his apron and walked out the door, failing to notice just how drunk Barney was.
"Call what a night?" Barney asked. "Who names their kid 'Night'?"
Barney slowly made his way out of the bar and got in his car, not knowing that he had left his wallet on the booth. After finally getting the car going, he pulled out into the road. He drove slowly and uncontrollably, struggling to navigate his way home. Eventually, Barney came to a bridge, where was driving in the wrong lane. Once he saw a car coming in front of him, he swerved out of the way off the road. As he cried in horror, his car charged into the river under the bridge. As his car sank into the water, Barney frantically tried to unbuckle his seatbelt, but his drunkenness kept him from getting off sooner. He was quickly running out of breath, and he was moving too slowly. Barney finally managed to get it off, but just as he opened the door, it was too late. Barney's body floated lifeless in the water as his car sank to the bottom of the river. After years of struggling with addiction and nonstop drinking, Barney Gumble's addiction had conquered his life.
The next morning at the Simpson's residence, Homer was about to head to work, but decided to watch the local news with Marge before leaving. Kent Brockman was speaking as usual.
"This is Kent Brockman reporting that a car drove into the river at Springfield Bridge last night. Eyewitnesses say that whoever was driving was in the wrong lane and swerved to avoid collision. Police have not yet found a body, or the car, but they hope to have answers by the end of the day."
"Oh, my lord," said Marge. "I wonder if that was a drunk driver."
"Nah," responded Homer. "It's probably one of those idiots who had too much to drink and can't drive."
"That's what a drunk driver is Homer," Marge reminded him as she rolled her eyes."
"Oh, right."
After the news ended, Homer kissed his wife before he headed to the Power Plant, believing this was going to be a good day as usual.
At Moe's Tavern, Moe entered and prepared to get ready for the day. Just as he was cleaning the booth, he noticed Barney's wallet was there. Moe decided to take advantage by snatching up some of Barney's cash.
"Ha! That's what you get for not tipping me, Barney!" Moe cried out in delight.
But his excitement was short-lived when he realized Barney wouldn't keep his wallet out of his hands at this hour, since he would sober in the morning.
"Huh, maybe he just took it out and forgot to put it back in his pocket," Moe thought to himself.
Barney always showed up at Moe's as soon as it opened for the day, so Moe assumed that Barney had already showed up, but went somewhere before coming back. Moe checked the bathroom and janitor's closet, but nobody was there. Nevertheless, Moe was sure Barney would be there shortly. Nothing could keep Barney from his daily Duff. But as the hours passed, Moe started to get concerned.
"Jeez, what's taking him? It's not like him to get here this late," he thought out loud.
Moe decided to call Barney's phone, but it went to voicemail. He did so again twice as the next couple of passed, but nobody answered.
"Come on, Barn! Since when do you not answer to the guy who gives you all your beer?" he grumbled. "Why would you even leave your wallet behind when you're so…ber?"
Just as Moe finished that last word, he realized that he left the door unlocked last night so Barney could get out of the bar, and it would make sense for Barney to forget his wallet while he was drunk, like last night.
"Has this thing been here since last night?" Moe thought again.
At first, Moe wasn't concerned about Barney's whereabouts, but he was starting to think that something might be wrong. Just as he was about to give Barney another call, Homer and the others came in, ready for a drink after a long day of work.
"Hey, Moe!" greeted Lenny. "It's a good day, isn't it?"
"Yeah, things aren't looking so dark, don't they? Carl asked.
Homer and Lenny gave Carl an odd look.
"What?" Carl asked them, forgetting that he has dark skin.
"Where's Barney?" asked Homer after noticing Barney was sitting in his normal seat. "Is he already throwing up in the bathroom?"
Lenny and Carl laughed at that joke.
Moe signaled the others to look at what he had in his hand and showed them Barney's wallet.
"Is that Barney's wallet, Moe?" asked Lenny. "Did you send him off to look for it while drunk?"
The others laughed, but they stopped once they realized that Moe wasn't laughing or joking with them.
"Guys, I haven't seen Barney all day," responded Moe with a hint concern in his voice.
Homer, Lenny, and Carl's jaws dropped in surprise. They knew something would be wrong if Barney wasn't at Moe's at any point of the day.
"Is this supposed to be a joke Moe?" asked Carl. "Because it doesn't sound as funny as ours."
"No, no, no, no, no. No joke. I came in the morning and found his wallet on the booth, but he never showed at all today. I'm thinking he might've forgot it when he left last night. I left the door unlocked so he could get out. It wouldn't make sense for him to leave his wallet here when he's sober."
The guys knew Barney would be sober in the morning. He wouldn't get any beer until Moe showed up.
"Have you tried calling him?" Carl asked.
"Three times, and I got no answer."
The guys just got even more confused. It wasn't like Barney to not answer a call from the guy who gives him all his beer. It didn't make sense.
"Wouldn't surprise me if he broke his phone while drunk." Homer said. "He wouldn't even know his phone's broke, right?"
The others were not impressed with Homer's joke and gave him a look.
"What? I thought we were still telling jokes."
"Maybe you can try calling him Homer," suggested Carl. "It might show that his phone's working and that Moe's isn't."
"Fine."
Homer took out his phone and gave it a try. Again, there was no answer and it went to voicemail. A frustrated Homer decided to leave a message that would get Barney to answer.
"Come on Barney, pick up! I don't want to hear the guys complain about you not being here, and we need everyone here!"
"You guys don't think something might've happened to him, do you?" asked Lenny.
"Come on guys, it's Barney!" Homer said. "He's probably too drunk to even answer his phone. Besides, he has the best tolerance out of all of us. He can handle any amount of alcohol."
Homer seemed confident that Barney was okay, but the other guys weren't so sure.
"I guess," Moe replied. "But why would he not show up at all today?"
"Who knows? Every day is different somehow, like how I wear a different shirt every day."
"What are you talking about Homer, you wear the same shirt every day," asked Lenny.
"The same IDENTICAL shirt, Lenny, so there is a difference."
"Are you sure? Because I think the stain on your shirt was on your shirt yesterday, too," questioned Carl.
"Like I said, they're all the same," Homer added while trying to hide a guilty look in his eyes.
The guys decided to let it slide for a while and give Barney another call after having some drinks and go to his apartment if he didn't answer. Once again, Barney didn't answer his phone, so the guys decided to go to Barney's house. Once they made their way to Barney's room, they noticed police officers standing outside the entrance.
"What's going on here?" Carl asked Chief Wiggum.
"Someone drove off Springfield Bridge last night. We found the car and a body in the river a few hours ago, and we believe the operator lived here. We scanned the license plate, and traced the operator's address to here. Does the name 'Barney Gumble' ring a bell to any of you?"
"Yeah. He left his wallet at my place, and we haven't been able to reach him all day, why?" asked Moe.
"We believe that may be the name of the driver, but we haven't been able to confirm it."
It was then that the guys started to get scared. They knew Barney was a huge drinker, but he always found a way to make it home while drunk. Moe's heart was thumping rapidly. He could've checked on Barney the night before to see how drunk he really was, but he took no notice.
"Are you serious?" asked Homer, who was showing much more concern for Barney than earlier.
"Yes," responded Wiggum. "Do you by chance have that wallet on you, sir?
"Hey, since when would I give away my- oh wait, you mean Barney's wallet. Yeah, I got it right here," Moe said as he passed it to Wiggum for him to see.
Wiggum went through to see if Barney's driver's license was in the wallet, and sure enough it was, which only confirmed to him who it was that drove off the bridge the night before.
"Gentlemen, I regret to say that the face on the driver's license matches the one of the body we found in the river. He's been declared dead at the scene," Wiggum said solemnly.
"Oh, my god," muttered Homer shakenly.
"Oh, no, no, no," Moe followed with an enormous amount of guilt weighing on him.
Lenny and Carl just stared at each other in disbelief upon realizing that their friend was dead. They all just stood in front of Barney's apartment, lost for words, unable to process that Barney Gumble was gone.
