One week later, Homer and his family were getting ready for Barney's funeral. Just as they were about to head out of their house, Marge helped Homer with his tie as they talked.
"Oh Homer, I know it must be hard for you to not ever see Barney again," Marge said.
"I know. My only friend who could outdrink me is gone. His drunk dancing, his drunk jokes, and his drunk drunkenness, all gone," Homer replied sadly.
"Wasn't there more to Barney than just his drinking?" Marge asked. You guys have known each other before you started drinking. Surely there had to have been more to your friendship besides that."
Homer paused to think of a response. It was true that they had been best friends since they were kids, but it seemed like their friendship completely revolved around beer as they became adults.
"Well, we both liked beer, we both liked whiskey, and we both liked some types of wine," Homer said.
"That's all alcohol, Homer!" Marge responded in a shocked tone.
"What? We like drinking other stuff than alcohol."
"Name one thing that isn't alcohol."
"Well, there's coffee and-"
Marge gave Homer a look. She knew Homer only drank coffee in the morning. He rarely drank anything else that didn't have alcohol. Homer closed his mouth when he realized what he tried to say wasn't true.
"Is there anything that you two had in common that had nothing to do with alcohol?"
"Well, there's spending time at Mo-"
Homer couldn't finish that sentence once he realized that wouldn't answer Marge's question. He thought of all the other bars they drank at other than Moe's when he wasn't open, but he knew that wouldn't work for Marge either.
"Homer, you mean to tell me you were best friends with Barney just because he was a heavy drinker?" Marge asked with a hint of horror in her voice.
"Of course not Marge! It's just we've been drinking for so long, I forgot what things were like between us before then." Homer said defensively.
"You haven't actually forgotten how you two became friends in the first place, did you?"
Homer took a moment to think about how he first met Barney in elementary school.
An eight-year-old Homer is sitting in the cafeteria alone. His father had packed him a crappy lunch as usual. He wished his mother was still around. She would've packed him something good.
"Oh, screw this!" Homer said as he threw his lunch in the garbage. He loved food, but even he wouldn't eat something his Dad cooked. As Homer sat back on the table to mope, he noticed a heavyset kid with light brown hair and a red shirt standing right next to him.
"Uh, hi there. Do you want some Buzz Cola? My mom gave me two today," the boy asked, as he sat down next to Homer.
"Your mom packs you sodas for lunch?" Homer asked in amazement. No kid was ever seen drinking a soda in the cafeteria. Not even in his dreams would Homer's dad pack him a soda for lunch.
"Yeah. I'm not a good sleeper, so she gives me these so I can be awake during the day."
Homer looked at the kid for a moment to see if he really was offering him a soda.
"Are you sure?" Homer asked, still in disbelief.
"Sure. I have plenty more of these at home," the kid replied as he opened a can as he handed it to Homer.
Homer quickly took a sip and sighed in pleasure.
"Gee, thanks!" Homer said as he turned to the kid.
"No problem," the boy responded as he cracked the second can for himself."
"My name's Homer. What's your name?"
"I'm Barney. Nice to meet you!"
As they made a handshake, they both quickly chugged down their sodas, letting out huge burps afterwards.
"Woah!" cried Homer in amazement. "How'd you learn how to burp like that?"
"It runs in my family. Everyone in my neighborhood can hear my mom after she burps. She can inflate a whole balloon with one burp," Barney proudly explained.
"Wow," Homer sighed in awe.
"You want to come to my house sometime Homer? There's plenty more where these came from." Barney asked as he pointed to his can of Buzz.
"You bet!" Homer quickly answered.
As Homer finished his story, Marge looked at him dumbfounded. It turned drinking was what kicked off Homer's friendship with Barney, even if alcohol had nothing to do with it.
"Well, Barney always seemed like a great person deep down. I hope he's in a better place now," Marge thought out loud."
"Oh I'm sure he is Marge," Homer assured his wife.
He imagined Barney swimming in a pool of Duff, literally swimming with the fishes.
