A/N Hello! This chapter will address Mikasa's headaches. It is less fantasy and nothing to do with her Ackerman genes. I never believed Eren's reasoning for her headaches in the manga and the latest chapter basically confirmed this for me. There is a logical cause for her headaches though, and I'm sure many others have this exact thought too.
Chapter 9: Trauma
Eren grunted slightly at the weight as he lifted Mikasa off the ground and gently placed her on the bed he was spending his nights recovering in, making sure that her head doesn't make any sudden movements as he laid her down on the soft pillow.
"I'll get Hange," Erwin said before promptly leaving the room.
Eren's face scrunched up in worry and confusion as he gently ran his fingers through her hair, trying to give her any comfort he could. What happened? She did not react like this the last time the curse was revealed to her, so why now? Why did she react so badly this time around?
'Why do you have these headaches, Mikasa?' In his own reality, he had said that it was her true self trying to resist whatever it was compelling her to protect him. That was a lie to distance himself from her because there wasn't any evidence of this compulsion to begin with. Zeke had said the reason she goes through thick and thin for him was not because of any instincts compelling her to do so, but it was simply because of how much she cared about him.
He had to admit, his brother Zeke was probably the person that knew the most about the Ackerman's history that he had come across. If there was no evidence that these headaches were part of what made the Ackermans so strong, then what was causing her this much pain?
The Ackermans did have the power to manifest the power of the Titans as humans and these powers were awakened when their survival instincts were triggered and in Mikasa's case, this was triggered the night she was kidnapped. They had their own paths and through that, every Ackerman that had awakened their power gained the battle experience of every Ackerman before them. Mikasa and Levi were perfect soldiers, products of a genetically engineered bloodline.
But the mind and one's emotions can never be controlled; in turn, the actions of every individual cannot be controlled the way he had suggested to Mikasa. Locked away and manipulated? Yes. But never fully controlled. The Ackerman's were proof of that. Where every other Subject of Ymir could have their mind wiped or altered by the power of the Founding Titan, the Ackerman's were immune to that kind of manipulation.
Before he could continue his thoughts, he heard hurried footsteps increasing in volume, getting closer and closer to the room they were in.
'Hange… perhaps she could explain this.'
With hurried movements, Hange and Levi instantly appeared by Mikasa's bedside as soon as she arrived. Erwin arrived moments after them.
"What happened?" she asked no one in particular, not pausing her movements as she continued to check up on Mikasa.
It was Erwin who answered. "Mikasa and Armin overheard Eren and I talking about the Curse of Ymir, which then caused Mikasa to suffer a headache and collapse."
Hange nodded, her face scrunched up in thought. 'Headaches, again…' She has been pondering over these headaches ever since that incident in the basement. A headache by itself could be caused by many things but from what she has seen, she only suffers these headaches in the face of events that threatens Eren's life, but she must ask Mikasa, she needed more insight to these headaches if she was to diagnose her.
Hange turned to Eren, a sudden thought crossing her mind. "Eren, the day her parents were killed, what exactly happened?" asked Hange.
Eren hesitated, uncomfortable with recalling that day. "I thought there was already a report on what happened to her parents."
Hange nodded. "Yes, there is a report, but it does not say more than that Mikasa was kidnapped by human traffickers and you two had somehow killed all three. What I want to know is what exactly happened. I understand this is delicate information, but if my thoughts are on the right direction, then this is important for diagnosing Mikasa and perhaps her recovery."
Armin straightened in his chair. Even he did not know the full details of what happened.
Eren slouched in his chair. "I'll tell you… I wasn't there when it happened but when dad and I went to the Ackerman house, all we found was blood and her parent's bodies… Mikasa was already gone by that point. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that Mikasa had seen the murder of her parents. My dad always told me she was cheerful and lively, but the day I met her; she was none of those things, and she never became what I had envisioned of how she would be. Nearly emotionless, even… It's not hard to imagine what caused it…" Eren breathed in deeply. His hands shook against his lap. "I went looking after them. I was so angry… so angry that these people were trying to take away Mikasa's life when she had done nothing wrong. The rest was history."
"Thank you Eren," Hange turned back to Mikasa after absorbing this new information.
'Traumatic event… Emotional numbing… Headaches that triggers when Eren's life is in danger, perhaps it is not limited to Eren's life. Not only that, during her time in the Survey Corps, Mikasa had displayed destructive behaviour when it concerns Eren wellbeing. All are symptoms of a mental disorder nearly all soldiers face, though at a more complex level,' Hange nodded to herself as the dots connected, she'll need more information from Mikasa herself but this was not the first time she had seen these symptoms. Hange was not the head of research for no reason. Even if her focus was on Titans, she was not ignorant of the issue's soldiers faced, especially psychological issues. After all, she was a soldier herself.
Hange nodded to herself, standing up. Satisfied with her diagnosis and reasoning. "She's likely to be suffering from a complex case of trauma. Many soldiers suffer from this, but in Mikasa's case, this probably started during the night of her parent's murder and her kidnapping."
Eren's eyes widened. Was the answer right in front of them this whole time?
"What about the headaches?" asked Eren.
"They're symptoms. When she sees something happen that reminds her of the trauma she faced as a kid, to her it must feel like reliving the moments her parents died in front of her and this can trigger physical symptoms. For Mikasa, that was the headaches," explained Hange.
Eren turned to look at Mikasa's resting face as worry washed through him. She had been suffering from these headaches ever since he had known her, and if this was something that he can help her with before he was gone, then that was what he would do.
"How does she get better?" asked Eren, his hands gently stroking her hair as she slept.
Hange thought for a moment before asking, "Has she ever talked about what happened? Has she even visited her parent's graves?"
Eren shook his head.
"Then perhaps, that can be the first step to take. She's a strong person, but inside she is still just an innocent girl who witnessed the murder of her parents. She needs closure because even if she doesn't realise it, she's still clinging on to her past and as long as she doesn't make peace with what happened, she can never truly recover from it."
Eren watched as Mikasa shifted against his touch, nuzzling against the palm of his hand.
"Then that's what we will do," he whispered.
Eren and Armin sat in silence, on each side of Mikasa as she continued to rest, unaware and at peace.
"Eight years…"
Eren's eyes snapped to Armin.
"Why? Why are you trying so hard for the people of the island if you're not even going to be alive to experience it?" questioned Armin.
Eren stayed silent.
Armin finally looked at Eren, fresh tears threatening to fall from his eyes. "Y-you should be enjoying the little time you have left. You should be experiencing things like normal teenagers would in the little time you-"
"No."
That seemed to shake Armin out of his panicked rant as he seemed to slump against his chair as reality came crashing down on him. "Of course, you're Eren, you would never die without fighting."
"Armin, it doesn't matter to me if I'm not going to experience it."
"Then why?"
Eren smiled. "Isn't it obvious?" questioned Eren. "For you two."
"For us?"
"It doesn't matter that I won't get to see the result of what we worked towards if you two can experience it," he glanced at Mikasa briefly before turning back to Armin. "If you and Mikasa can live your lives, exploring and doing the things you always wanted, then that's enough reason for me to carry on fighting for the rest of my life."
Armin looked at Eren, almost pleadingly. "But… that's not what we want… how could I live my life if the death of my best friend was needed to make it happen? How can you expect either of us to do that?"
Eren's smile faltered. "You can't always have everything you want in life, right?"
"I don't want it," voiced the only other person in the room, woken up by her best friend's voices.
Mikasa gingerly sat up, feeling a bit disorientated. She rested her back against the bed's headboard and her eyes turned to Eren; they were filled with emotion as she looked at the boy who had given her a second chance at life.
"There must be a way to stop it, there must be…"
Eren's eyes softened. "I'm sorry. It seems my fate has already been decided, but I refuse to leave this world without taking care of both of you."
Mikasa's eyes broke away from Eren, now downcast. "Why does it have to be you? Why? Why do I feel like the world is always trying to take you away?" her voice quivered as she spoke, unable to stop the raw emotion seeping into her voice.
She gasped slightly when she felt Eren's arms wrap around her and on reflex; she wrapped her own around him. She closed her eyes and breathed in his scent as she tightened her hold on him.
"Don't leave me," she whispered against his shoulder.
Eren closed his eyes and stayed silent. He wished he could reassure her, but when did the world ever allowed them anything but pain?
"Then let me be with you for these last eight years," she said in return to his silence.
"Of course, I'll spend my last eight years with you, Mikasa…" he replied, a bit confused.
She shook her head against his shoulder. She opened her eyes, and she was greeted by Armin's gentle smile as he tried to express his support, but she froze, just like she had over the last few months. Whenever it came to actually putting her feelings into words, she always froze.
Why was it so hard? She wanted him to know.
'I love you,' she only wished she could say that out loud.
Armin's gentle smile faltered as he watched the scene in front of him.
After that day, Levi had given Eren, Armin, and Mikasa permission to travel with the builders who were going to Shiganshina to begin the rebuilding process. That was how they found themselves sitting on a wagon, side by side, as it was pulled by horses, occupied by civilians.
Mikasa was anxious. Her heart was pounding against her chest while her sweaty palms gripped onto her shirt like it was her lifeline. Her mind was a battlefield of emotions as she moved closer and closer to where it happened.
What was she supposed to feel? Was the shaking and sweating normal? When did breathing get so difficult? She exhaled shakily as she wrapped her arms around herself, feeling cold. 'Maybe this was a bad idea,' she thought.
It had been six years since her parents were murdered. Six years since she was kidnapped and then saved by Eren. In truth, she had buried the death of her parents so far deep in her mind, that sometimes she was able to forget what really happened and that was what she wanted.
But every time one of her friend's lives were threatened, every time she thought one of them would die, she would see glimpses. Glimpses of what happened that day. Living the life of a soldier provided endless amounts of those moments, and she felt haunted. It felt like every corner she turned, every failed move she made, she would see her parent's unmoving bodies and it frightened her, but it was also her source of strength. She had trained so hard during her cadet years, making sure she was strong enough to protect Eren and Armin, then eventually that circle of precious people expanded to include her team. Their safety and livelihood were the most important things in her life.
But what if she wasn't strong enough? What if she wasn't able to protect those important to her? She was afraid that she hasn't changed at all; she was afraid that she was still the little girl who could only watch as her parents were murdered in front of her.
"Mikasa?"
She was broken out of her thoughts by a gentle nudge.
"We're in Shiganshina," Eren said.
She looked around and for a moment; she thought he had been lying, but the events of the last battle came to her. All that existed was rubble and ash, but there were a few untouched areas that she recognised; this was no doubt Shiganshina, their home.
As she walked and observed, one thing was obvious; It was still a battlefield. She could see people scattered around the town, cleaning up bodies and debris. Soldiers were on watch in case of any stray Titans, mostly volunteers from the Military Police or Garrison because of how low the numbers for the Survey Corps were at the moment, but from her journey, there were very few Titan's still alive within these walls.
Everything was a blur from the moment she stepped off the wagon and started walking towards her old home, her once cheerful home.
She doesn't even know how much time had passed, but before she knew it; she was stood outside her old home. When did they arrive? She shivered as an unexplainable chill went down her spine.
She placed a hand on the door handle.
'It's cold.'
Then, she felt two familiar hands on top of hers, warming them pleasantly. She looked to her left and right, a great warmth now slowly driving the cold away.
'Eren… Armin…'
They didn't have to say anything for Mikasa to realise what they tried to express. They were there for her, like they have been since she first met them. No words could ever describe their importance to her, and she thinks nothing could ever express how much they meant to her.
With a deep breath, she twisted the handle and pushed.
Abandoned.
That's what her old home represented. Dust covered the place like a blanket. Other than the absence of blood, it remained virtually untouched since that day. Placing a tentative finger on the countertop, she dragged her finger gently across it, gathering dust at the tip.
She froze when she spotted a box of sewing equipment on the table, her mum's sewing equipment. As if she was in a trance, she made her way towards it and with shaking hands; she traced the edges of the box. She flinched when something wet splashed against her hands.
Then she dropped it as a sharp pain shot through her head, her hand instantly touching the side of her head as she grimaced. She started to collapse but as she fell backwards; she was stopped as familiar arms wrapped around her from behind. Twisting her head, her headache subsided a little as she realised it was Eren.
"Are you going to be okay?" he asked, concern clear in the tone of his voice and the way his eyes softened as he looked at her.
Mikasa nodded, trying to steady herself.
After a few moments, she was able to steady herself. Once again, she started moving, but this time; she was drawn to the window that gave them a view of her old garden. But that wasn't what caught her attention. It was the two headstones, which wasn't there six years ago.
She did not dare to tear her eyes away from the two headstones as she steadily walked towards it. The clicking of the door that she unknowingly opened was what brought her out of her trance-like state. When she stepped out into the garden, she couldn't find the strength to move her legs, but something… someone popped into her mind.
She can hear his words in her mind. 'Fight!'
That's what she did. She fought against the chill that ran down her spine. She fought against the pain that resided inside her heart as she moved closer to the headstones. She fought against the need to collapse. She fought harder than she had ever fought, and she kept moving forward because that's what Eren had always done and that was what she needed to do.
She collapsed onto her knees. She reached with her shaky hand and traced the lines that was etched onto surface of both headstones, her parent's names.
What was she supposed to say?
Eren placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and gave it a light squeeze. "Hey… take your time, we're here for you."
"Can… can I do this alone?" she whispered.
"Of course, we'll be inside," Eren said softly, giving her a last squeeze before walking away, Armin followed closely behind.
She took a deep, shaky breath and exhaled when she heard the door close, attempting to calm the storm of emotions that was brewing in her mind.
"Mum… Dad… I-I miss you both," she choked back a sob as her chest and throat started tightening, but she kept talking. "I wish… I wish I did something back then. If I weren't so weak, so frightened, maybe both of you would be alive right now. Are you watching me right now? I'm not the same girl that I was when you were both alive. I've fought Titans and I've even killed people… Could you two even look me in the face if you were here right now? Would you two be disappointed with the person I had become?
"That day, I had learned how cruel the world was. How unfair it was… why did it have to be you two? Why… Why?! Why… why couldn't it have been someone else? Is it wrong of me to think that? We were happy. What have we ever done to deserve something like that? But I already know what you two would say. You two had raised me better than that, I couldn't wish that on anyone else because no one should have to go through something like that.
"Sometimes, I wonder what life would be like if you two were still here. Would I have still been friends with Eren and Armin? I like to believe so because they are the best of friends that I could have ever asked for. I just… I just wish I had one more chance to see you two… to talk to you two… to tell you two that I love you and you were the best parents anyone could have asked for and even after all these years, I still can't… I still can't accept that both of you are never coming back."
She shook as broken sobs escaped her body and for the first time in six years; she was able to mourn her parent's deaths.
Eren looked out to see Mikasa shaking uncontrollably as she released every bit of emotion that she had held inside of her since the day her parents were taken away from her. His heart ached as he watched her suffer alone. He went to stand up but was stopped by Armin.
"Don't… she wants to be alone," reasoned Armin.
Eren looked back outside and resisted a little against Armin's grip. "But…"
"Eren, after all these years, has she ever asked to be alone? No. If she asks for it, she means it and we have to respect her wish because we're her friends," Armin said.
Eren sat back down and sighed. "You're right."
He watched as she stopped crying and started talking again. He watched as she occasionally shook, sometimes from the pain, but as the day continued, she shook from occasional laughter as she continued to talk.
The sky that was bright and blue, when they arrived, slowly turned to a pale orange as the dark slowly pushed aside the light.
But when Mikasa came back inside, there was a glimmer of light in her eyes that wasn't there before and her entire posture seems a little more relaxed. It was at that moment that Eren decided the wait was worth it.
The next time Mikasa stood up was when the sky was already dark. She felt light; she hadn't felt so clear minded in years. Has it already been this long? She had told her parents everything that had happened in her life; it was almost like they were listening.
When she stepped back inside, she was met with a worried-looking Eren and Armin. She felt a little guilt creep up her spine for how long she had made them wait.
"Sorry that took so long," she apologised, her voice a bit strained from constant use and crying.
"What? No! That's completely fine!" exclaimed Eren.
"How are you feeling Mikasa?" asked Armin.
She gave them a slight smile. "I feel better," she replied. "Is it… is it okay if we do this again?"
"Whenever we have time, we can come here any time you want," Eren said. "Right? Armin?"
Armin smiled and nodded in support. "Whenever you want Mikasa."
"Thank you both…"
Armin waved his arm. "We're your friends, we'll do anything for you, Mikasa," Armin stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "We should get going, we need to get back to the town before the last wagon returning to Headquarters leaves."
Eren went to follow Armin, who had started walking towards the front door, but he was stopped when Mikasa grabbed onto his sleeve.
Surprised, Eren turned to her and when he saw the way her eyes were downturned, he worriedly said, "What's wrong Mikasa? Did you want to stay longer?"
Mikasa shook her head before quietly replying, "Can I speak to you alone before we go?"
Armin looked back and noticed the way Mikasa's hands were fidgeting with her uniform and the light reddish hue that appeared on her cheeks. He smiled.
"I'll wait outside," announced Armin, before quickly making his escape, leaving the Eren and Mikasa alone in her old home.
When Armin left, Eren turned back to Mikasa once again. "What did you want to speak about?" asked Eren.
He was caught off guard when Mikasa uncharacteristically wrapped her arms around him.
"Hey… what's wrong?"
Tears leaked from her eyes, dampening his shoulder. "It's just… in eight years, you'll be taken away from me and it'll be your headstone I'm talking to."
"Mikasa…"
She shook her head against his shoulder. "So, I've decided that there will be no more hiding and if I'm able to make you happy for these last eight years, then I'm going to do exactly that."
"Mikasa? What are you trying to say?" asked Eren, feeling a bit confused.
Armin's words rang through her mind. "Don't ignore it while you still have a chance…" Those were the words Armin had said to her.
"I want to be with you for these last eight years," Mikasa said.
"Of course, you'll be with me… Haven't I told you last time?"
Mikasa shook her head against his shoulder. "I want to be with you. Do you understand?"
The implications of her words made him freeze momentarily. In truth, he had not prepared himself for this moment despite the fact he was already aware of her feelings for him, but could he really put her through that pain? Eight years just to be left alone… no one deserved that.
When Eren spoke again, his voice sounded hesitant. "Mikasa… I only have eight years left; I can't put you through that."
"Does it matter?" she replied.
Eren pulled away slightly, just enough so he could look at her face completely. "Of course, it matters! How could I give you something like this when you'll only hurt in the end?"
"It doesn't matter because I'll be hurt either way. Maybe it's selfish, but I can't let you go without you knowing that I-"
Eren gripped her arms tightly. His eyes were closed and his hold shaking slightly. "Don't… it is hard enough as it is."
Mikasa grabbed Eren's hand, causing his grip to loosen. "Eren, you've given me a reason to live and fight after everything in my life was taken away from me. You've given me strength that I never knew I had, and I can never thank you enough for it. You've been fighting so hard so that Armin and I can live happier lives but someone needs to do the same for you… let me stand by your side for these last eight years, let me fight for your happiness as you are fighting for mine."
Her next words froze him completely.
"Please… Just give me this."
He had heard them before… on the day she died.
"Please… Just give me this," Mikasa whispered as she pulled him closer, drawing him in for a kiss. They moved softly and slowly against each other; the moment was sad but beautiful at the same time. Perhaps it described their relationship perfectly.
When they parted, she looked at him with tears stained on her cheeks. "I love you, Eren."
He let out a quivering breath and in that moment he had decided. "Okay."
"Okay?" she questioned the answer, unsure of its meaning.
Eren smiled. "Okay," he repeated.
A reddish tint appeared on Mikasa's cheeks as understanding flashed across her face. She buried her head on his shoulders again, hoping to hide her reaction. In her heart, she knew he couldn't promise her he'll be there for the rest of her life, but that didn't matter. She had already decided that she will be there for the rest of his.
When they finally stepped outside, Armin noticed the way their hands intertwined together, and he smiled.
"Finally, guys…"
"Shut up, Armin."
Armin chuckled, feeling light-hearted despite the situation.
"Let's get going, let's go home."
A/N Sorry about the long wait. I actually had like 70% of this written a week after my last update but then I got drowned in work and then I decided to just wait until the latest chapter dropped, which pretty much answered my doubts/questions about the ackerbond. Hope you enjoyed!
