[A/N: Hailey's thoughts during the Upstead scene in 6X12. And per request, some of Jay's recent thoughts since 6X10 as well. Thanks so much for reading and for all of the kind reviews thus far!
PS. I absolutely LOVED Jay & Hailey's moments in 6X12... I honestly feel like they're building them up. Even "PD's" social media account is hardcore promoting them now, haha!]
Hailey was sitting with Jay at the bar after another particularly hard day, especially for Jay. The two of them just can't seem to catch a break recently, in all aspects of their lives. It's been a few weeks since Hailey told Adam they should tone down whatever it was they were doing, the same amount of time Jay found out about them. She's been a little disappointed in herself because she's been weak… while her and Adam have scaled it back, she still finds herself hooking up with him occasionally for the distraction of it all. Not near the amount of what it was, but not over completely yet. She hasn't discussed this with anyone else… Jay, he still only knows what she confessed to him that night. The two of them don't dare talk about the logistics of her "relationship" with Adam, nor does either of them want to bring it up, period. As for everyone else, they're still none the wiser, especially now that Adam and her have "cooled down" somewhat.
It's been good for her that things with Jay have been as normal as they can be, all things considered, since he found out. Their friendship is still as strong as ever, and on the nights that she feels her emotions for Jay are too overwhelming and bottled up… well, Adam is a phone call away for a nice diversion. Sometimes she hates herself for it all, feeling like she's living two lives… the Hailey that is scared to come to terms with her feelings for Jay… and the Hailey that has a fun time with Adam pretending the rest of the drama doesn't exist. Well, at least it didn't until he decided to fall on the sword for Antonio… she doesn't want to handle dealing with that, along with everything else. She feels a little bad that she knows a part of her is just using Adam, but she gets the feeling that he's equally doing it to her to avoid all of his own unresolved feelings with Kim. If someone had told Hailey when she was college-aged that romantic relationships in her adult 30's would have so much drama, she'd have laughed… but, here she is, sitting across from Jay at the bar and wondering why she can't just figure things out.
They're on their second drink when they finally decide to discuss the events of today. The first beer it was nice just sitting quietly and enjoying the other's companionship. That was another of their "things," they could just sit in silence and feel comfort by just being near each other. Not that either of them would admit that, of course… maybe if they did, it would solve a lot of their problems.
Hailey finally asks him if he's alright after the day's events.
"I just keep thinking about Lauren's mom. She'll never have closure…" Jay shakes his head at her sadly.
"I get it, but you can't right every wrong Jay. There's just some things, some people… ya just gotta let it go." She realizes the irony of this statement as she says it, but it's all she's got.
Jay looks at her questioningly. "How are you supposed to be a good cop and let things go? That's the point of the job."
"Point of the job is to do the best that you can. Then you go home, pretend like the bad stuff never happened." She takes a gulp of her beer, already anticipating Jay's response to that. She feels his eyes burning into her.
"Is that what you do?"
"No." She laughs, knowing only Jay knows her enough to not only disbelieve her, but has the balls to call her out on it.
"Yea, I didn't think so…" he chuckles along with her.
It's a nice moment, a very 'them' moment. She smiles to herself, happy again that nothing has changed this about them. As she's thinking that, her phones rings and it's Adam, of course. She quickly silences it and turns it over. She doesn't want this time with Jay to be interrupted by the self-inflicted drama she's caused. She realizes it's too late because she already senses Jay stiffen, the detective in him deducing.
"Is that Adam?"
She doesn't want to admit it, but without dare looking at him, she resigns herself to saying, "yea." She promised herself she wouldn't lie to him again. She hopes Jay just ignores pushing the subject and they can go on with their night. Instead he says the one thing that completely shocks her,
"You should go." He tells her with one of his unconfident, hesitant looks; but adamant enough that it's not up for discussion.
She stares into his eyes and nods slowly. He stares right back. It's almost as if she's waiting for him to tell her to stay. She doesn't want to leave him, which is why she ignored her phone in the first place. She's disappointed when Jay doesn't. She can sense he's only trying to seem okay with it all and doesn't want her to leave, but he doesn't make a move at all. She guesses she can't blame him… she made this bed and now she has to lie in it. She gives him one more look, a last chance for him to speak up, both of their eyes pleading, but he just smirks at her. She resigns and grabs her coat.
"I'll see ya later." She says indifferently as she starts to walk away. When she gets to the door she turns back around to see Jay slump his shoulders and stare off sadly at his beer. Hailey #1 wants to turn back around and tell him that they both need to wake and grow up… Hailey #2 has already accepted the defeat of their hidden feelings and wants to continue to run from them… unfortunately, it's the latter version that wins out again. Maybe sometime soon, the first can finally win…
Jay continues to stare depressingly at his beer. He's pissed at himself that he even brought up the phone call to Hailey. He knows he did the right thing by telling her to go, but wishes he just kept his mouth shut once she silenced the call. She'd clearly still be sitting with him right now. This is what he gets for constantly being unselfish.
He thinks back to a few weeks ago when his whole world shifted out from under him. Adam had gotten himself into trouble again by admitting to having part in the death of a suspect… the suspect that kidnapped Antonio's daughter. It was clear to everyone in the unit that Adam & Voight concocted some kind of a cover-up for him, and tensions were high, but no one dared speak of it. Until of course he caught Hailey confessing to Adam that she was angry because she cared for him. Talk about a blow he wasn't expecting. After all, why should he care who his partner was sleeping with?
Of course, he'd been lying to himself for a long time… because while he shouldn't care, he did, TOO MUCH. There was a part of him that thought he had been developing feelings for Hailey for a while, but he just chalked it up to being perpetually single and her being a female he was close to. Once he caught her with Adam though, he knew he'd just been in denial this whole time. He was so jealous, but he didn't want to dare admit it to himself, nor especially to her. No, Hailey deserves happiness; she doesn't need him confusing and complicating things. This is why when she confessed to him outside the interrogation room, he promised her that they were good. It was an emotional conversation for both of them. He could tell she was upset with herself that she didn't tell him, and he could also swear there was more to the tears in her eyes, but he didn't want to read too much into it.
He'd been down this road with a partner before, and he remembers all too well how that turned out. Plus, he was already much closer to Hailey as a friend than he ever was with Erin, and he can't imagine losing that if he screwed up. He doesn't think he can handle that. It's just better for both of them if he continues to pretend there's nothing more between Hailey and him. He wants to always be there for her, he intends to always be there for her, he's not gonna be dumb enough to fuck it up. Plus, she's with Adam and she seems to care for him, she doesn't need him to throw a wrench in that. Whatever feelings he has for her, he has to keep them buried. He tells himself it's to protect her, but his subconscious knows it's to protect himself just as much.
He takes a big swig of beer and thinks back again to their moment just before. He could almost swear she was waiting for him to tell her not to go. He saw her hesitate before leaving. He can't help himself from wondering what would have happened if he grabbed her arm and kissed her. Would she kiss him back? Or would she Hailey-out and practically clock him one? He shakes his head; he shouldn't even be having a thought like that. How did things become so complicated? Part of him wishes he could go back to the days when he was first getting to know Hailey, when he wasn't quite sure he trusted her and was suspicious on why she kept trying to push him to get help. At the time, he assumed she just wanted to cover her ass from getting stuck with a deadbeat partner. But he'd never been more wrong, she really did care. In fact, next to Will or Mouse, she probably cared about his mental well-being more than anyone else… despite how he pushed her away. And now he was almost pushing her away again… He swallows the rest of his beer with one gulp, throws some cash for tip on the bar, and runs out the door, more depressed than when he entered. It's all too much for him to continuing thinking about tonight…
