[A/N: Some Upstead musings for episodes 7x06 and 7x07. Oh man episode 7's were golden. Can't wait to see where all this leads. Thanks so much for all of your kind words and continuing to follow along. Hope you enjoy the combo, just wanted to get it out since I was behind.]
It was only a couple of weeks ago that a case became personal for Jay like it is for Hailey this week. Jay felt completely responsible for getting an innocent man killed due to accusing him of a crime he didn't commit. He can still hear Voight's words from their time in his office echo in his brain over and over…
"Jay, for once in your life, just let it be…"
He can still feel the scotch burning down his throat as he took gulp after gulp, wishing to numb the pain, but knowing full well it wasn't going to really help. He left Voight's on a mission, knowing the only one who could even slightly bring him back, pegging away at some of his guilt would be Hailey. Since Vanessa was still living with her he shot her a text asking if it was okay to stop by, no longer wanting to just show up unannounced. Hailey was shocked that he reached out since he had acted like he wanted to carry this burden alone, much like in the past, but was thrilled when she realized he wanted to open up to her. She told him she would meet him at his place since Vanessa was in fact home, knowing he'd want to talk in private. Hailey arrived with his favorite whiskey and Chinese food in hand, and Jay remembered silently thanking the heavens again for putting someone like her in his life.
She waved the takeout bag in front of his face as she walked in. "I figured you didn't eat anything since lunch."
She was right, he had absolutely no appetite all day, but now that she mentioned it (plus the smell of the food), he felt his stomach grumble. "You figured right." He said as he gave her a sad smile.
They made their way over to his living room and quietly ate the food and sipped at their drinks. The silence wasn't uncomfortable; in fact, they were the only ones in the world they felt like they could be like this around. After a while, Hailey addressed the elephant in the room.
"I'd say I know you don't want to talk about it, but considering you contacted me, I'm assuming you do… of course, you would eventually anyway, cause that's just what we do."
"Ah yes, the thing that works, right? Isn't that what you called it?" he teased her slightly, giving rise to her mildly blushing.
"Something like that, yeah…" she smirked back.
Jay sighs, knowing he has to get this weight off his chest. She patiently waits for him to get it out, like she always does.
"Hailey… I just wanted to get revenge for those kids so bad… I didn't even stop to think that Marcus may not be the one responsible. How dumb it was to blindly follow some stupid software program. I completely went against my instincts. I just figured if there was even a chance that Marcus was the killer, than throwing him into County would get the confession finally. I should have known he was telling the truth… he lost his life because of me…" his hand shakes as he brings the glass to his mouth to take a sip, then sadly looking down into it.
Hailey stares at him sympathetically. She wants to take his pain away, but she knows he's going to beat himself up over this for a while, despite what she says. "Jay, if you're to blame, then we all are. We all believed Crawford telling us that app was pretty full-proof. It's hard to go against a high Commander like that though."
"Maybe, but you're not the ones who brought him to County, that was on me and me alone… And now we just let them blame an innocent man to keep me safe." he sits back into the couch deflated.
It's Hailey's turn to sigh now. She rests her hand on his shoulder and makes him look at her. "There's a lot of grey and a lot of head turning we do in Intelligence… something I know goes against yours and my morals. But sometimes we have to take the bad to do all the good. And Jay, there's soo much good that you've done, and will continue to do, cause that's just the type of man and cop you are. Don't let this mistake negate that. Crawford was always gonna find a way to protect his ass, whether it included you or not..."
He nods his head at her, touched that she always thinks so highly of him and knows just what to say to tweak his perspective a little. "I just wish there was a way I could have saved him…"
"I know… but maybe you can find a way to be there for his family. Nothing will bring him back, but maybe it will help you and them heal."
"That's not a bad idea…"
"I am known to have some good advice on occasion!" she smiles at him teasingly, seeing his spirits have perked up slightly.
"Thanks Hailey… I don't know what I'd do without you!" he smiles back at her and places his hand on her knee in appreciation.
She returns the gesture by placing her hand atop his. "Me either, Jay, me either…"
Their words hang as silence takes over again, the permeating tension that's been evident for months between them lingering. They stare at each other knowing there's nothing more they need to say, eventually separating and returning to eating their food and watching TV. They get it and that's all that matters…
Jay replays that night over in his mind as he watches Hailey, this time her being the one struggling. He knows she's blaming herself for the death of Cameron, even though she told him to run and leave town. He hasn't seen her get this emotional over a case since the false confession she coerced out of the suspect who later killed himself. She's just like him and if there's any chance of her feeling responsible, she's going to run with it. He just wants to be there for her, but he knows she has to see this all play out. He senses her tense up from his spot in the passenger seat as they see the drug money get revealed to Darius.
"It'd be real easy to move on them both right now. Burn Darius, can't use him anymore… he'd be booked, do his original time." She admits to him aloud, interrupting his thoughts.
"Yeah, for drugs." He reminds her.
"30 years is 30 years!"
Voight's voice cuts in over the Comms, reminding them all that they're waiting on Darius' move and play, angering Hailey even more.
"We're trusting- we're protecting a killer…"
He just looks at her then, raw and honest, just wanting to break through and show her how much he has her back. But also wanting to bring her back down to earth.
"Hailey, I'd follow you anywhere…" and he truly means it more than he's meant anything else in his life. He wishes he could be admitting this to her under different circumstances. "But I know right now you would tell me to trust Voight."
She stares back at him, not responding, but he knows he got her to agree. A few minutes later Hailey and Jay watch Darius make his "escape" and Hailey goes along with the plan.
"Tell me someone's got eyes on the second vehicle." Voight asks over the radio for effect.
"Negative, cars in the wind. I repeat, do not have eyes. Calling it over the citywide now." Hailey voices back.
Jay watches her play along, knowing it's tearing her up inside. The remainder of the day is going to be a long one, he can already feel it. A couple hours later they're outside the interrogation room watching Mackie get questioned.
"Well I'd say that's a win. That guy has no idea that we played him." He says to Hailey, grasping at anything to say. She doesn't respond, nor does she seem to care that they've gotten one evil drug dealer off the street at least.
"Hailey…" he softly calls out to her in a way that only he can. "Cameron forgot which way was up…" he starts, hoping for an opening to continue further.
She stares back at him sadly, but appreciatively, still not talking. She reaches out her hand to touch his arm as a sign of thanks, then promptly turns to walk out. He's left staring after her, wishing there was so much more he would have said, all he wants is to comfort her.
A little while later, Hailey still hasn't gotten her emotions in check. She's so angry it appears they're just going to let Darius walk after clearly putting the hit on Cameron. The only silver lining of today had been Jay closely looking after her, not enough to be suffocating, but making his presence known… like now, as he sits right next to her on the edge of her desk, his thigh brushing against her arm. She's always grateful for him, but today she's a little extra even if she hasn't fully shown it. She's more so now that he speaks up to Voight as he walks back into the bullpen, as she knows he's only doing it for her.
"Sarge, what's your call on Darius?"
"I want to keep him in play. He's valuable. He probably saved us hundreds of OD's right? Look, the rest is simple; it's one murder we never make. He may not even be involved." Voight responds, irking Hailey even further.
"There's no way you believe that!" she argues back, knowing everyone is listening intently.
"My office?" Voight says sighing.
She gets up, Jay quickly following to go sit back at his desk, no reason to stay at hers now that she's no longer there. She feels his eyes on her as she does, but she puts all her focus into the oncoming discussion with her boss.
"I don't care if we can't make the case. You and I both know he was involved. You can't trust him." She quickly gets right back into it.
"I don't…"
"There's a thousand things that we don't know about him…" she continues as her voice cracks and her emotions start to show.
"I'm sure that's true."
"He should be held accountable!"
"Cameron walked into a police station. He knew he could be made. Then he went directly out on the streets .."
"Look, no no, I'm not defending him…" she interjects. "I'm not saying he was a good guy, a smart guy, a right guy, but he was my guy. He was my CI. I put him out there! He was mine." She says with evident tears in her eyes now.
"Why don't you tell me what you want? I mean right now. You want me to yell at you? Or you want me to make you feel better?"
Hailey stands there and listens to her boss' speech, this time not interrupting. She can't deny that what he's saying isn't the truth, but it's still shitty.
"..Cameron was a snitch, so I'm sure his death is the cost of the game, but you're the one who has to carry it..." He finally finishes.
"How do I do that? How do I carry it?" she asks after sitting, trying to pull her emotions together.
"I still have no idea…"
She stares back at him, after a while realizing that in their line of work, sometimes even Voight doesn't have the answers. When she's confident she's free to go, she slowly makes her way out of his office. Almost everyone else at this point has left, except for Jay. Of course Jay is still there. He watches her with the most heartbreakingly sympathetic look as she comes back to her desk to sit down across from him. He lets her gather her thoughts for a minute before he finally speaks.
"C'mon, let's get out of here. Dinner and drinks on me, you pick the place."
She gives him a sad smile. "I don't know that I'll be the best companion right now."
He shakes her comment off as he's already up from his chair and rounding the desk to her, grabbing her hand to force her back up. "Doesn't matter. You're always my favorite companion no matter the circumstance. C'mon, let's go." He softly responds giving her a warm smile.
An hour later she's sitting across from Jay in a booth at one of their favorite restaurant bars, picking at her food. He hasn't forced her to talk yet, and for that she's thankful. When she's almost done with her second beer, she decides to open up to her plaguing thoughts.
"I should never have used him. If it wasn't for me, he might still be…" she lets the rest hang.
Jay reaches his hand across the table to lightly stroke her wrist… something that would definitely cause her to shiver under different conditions. "Hailey… it was the right call. He was our best option at the time and he wanted to help, more than willingly. He knew the risks."
"Yea, I know, but… we went way back. He may have just been a CI, but he knew me so well, he was like a friend. I should have made sure he left town."
"Hailey, he was a grown man. You couldn't force him to leave, he should have known better. What was it you said to me a couple weeks ago, 'sometimes we have to take the bad to do all the good?' And he wanted to help you because you are the good. I know that I would risk my life for just a slight chance to see you smile. So Cameron knew what he was walking into."
She smiles back at him, small but genuinely. She can't believe how much he just revealed to her, as casual as anything. She knows now is not the time or place to analyze it too much. There will be time for that one day. Their heated knowing look continues to grow in intensity until Jay seems to realize his hand is still on her wrist. He looks almost embarrassed and goes to pull away, but she does something bold and out of character for her. She grabs his hand instead and holds onto it. He's her lifeline and she wants him to know it. He smiles back at her, not pulling away.
"Has anyone ever told you Jay, you're the best partner a girl could ask for?"
"If that's true, it's just because I'm mirroring my partner. She's kind of the best human I know."
Their breaths hitch in their throats at the territory this conversation is venturing in.
"KIND OF?" she finally says as they both laugh, cutting the tension some. "But seriously Jay, thank you for being here! It means a lot."
"Always, Hailey, always!"
They're aware they're still holding hands, but neither want to break the connection just yet. They just want to blissfully live in this cocoon for a little longer…
