Neither one of them had celebrated Thanksgiving since they lived with their respective families. Probably because there's nothing sadder than misfits trying to celebrate a family holiday by themselves.
Shark's family lives back in Hawaii, and he can't make the trip back home every year since he moved to the mainland. And from what Louise has told him, she has no family left and pretty much treats this day like any other regular day.
That is why Shark is more than a bit surprised when the day before Thanksgiving, Louise comes back from the grocery store with more grocery bags than usual.
While helping her carry the bags inside, she announces that they are not only going to celebrate Thanksgiving, but they are gonna cook the whole meal themselves.
"We are?" The shark asks with more than just a hint of disbelief in his voice.
"Yup." Louise answers, making the "p" at the end of the word pop.
"Look, I'm all for doing Thanksgiving, but in that case, we should just go out to a diner and eat there."
Shark's skepticism is mostly rooted in the fact that neither of them can actually cook.
Sure, Louise can make relatively simple meals, like spaghetti or meatloaf. And her microwaving skills are up there with the best of them. But he´s not sure she has it in her to make a whole Thanksgiving meal by herself.
"What? No, that's too...sad."
"No, sad is spending Thanksgiving in a strip joint, like I did last year."
Louise stops rummaging through the fridge long enough to look over her shoulder and at the shark.
"What kind of strippers work on Thanksgiving?" She asks incredulously.
"The kind who wear orthopedic back braces. So, trust me when I tell you, spending Thanksgiving in a diner would be a big step up for me."
"We're not spending Thanksgiving in a diner."
Louise reiterates in a deadpan tone while closing the fridge door.
"Okay...but, have you ever cooked an entire Thanksgiving meal by yourself before?"
"Well...no, but I earned a Ph.D. in physics. So, how hard can cooking be?
Besides, there are plenty of online tutorials to guide us through it."
She tells him with a big confident grin on her face.
Shark is still trying to figure out what the link between physics and cooking might be when he processes that last part.
''Wait, ´´Us?´´
Babe, you do know that most of my meals consist of raw meat, right? Cooking is, uh...counterintuitive to me."
"Oh, come on, I'm sure that between the two of us we can make one half-decent cook...Besides, this is the first time in years, I actually have something to celebrate."
She tells him while squeezing his large muscular bicep and looking up at him with those eyes that can get him to walk blindfolded through a small corridor flanked on both sides by a hundred feet drop, and straight into a hail of bullets.
Shark sighs.
He can't say no to her, not when she looks at him like that, and she knows it.
"...Kay. I'll do…what I can. Is the turkey back in the truck?"
Shark asks as he starts making himself useful and starts heading towards the door to fetch the bird.
"...Um...no."
Shark looks around the kitchen. "You did...buy a turkey, right babe?"
"..."
"Louise?"
"Not exactly. I was gonna, but they were all out at the store."
"Out of turkeys the day before Thanksgiving? Who knew?"
King Shark gasps with fake bewilderment.
"Hey! That's not a very turkey day attitude from you."
"Considering we don't have an actual turkey, I would say it's the right attitude."
"Let me worry about the turkey."
Louise assures him.
"Yeah, but you just said they were all out at the store."
"Oh, but I didn't say I was gonna get us a turkey from the store, now did I?"
King Shark has a bad feeling about this.
"Louise, I really think we should just go and eat at a d-"
"I swear if the next word that comes out of your mouth is ´´diner´´, I'm getting us a vegan turkey."
Louise hisses back at the shark.
"..."
"That's more like it. Now, I'm gonna go out and get us the turkeyest turkey ever. Meanwhile, you stay here and try to get into the Thanksgiving spirit. Here..."
She says as she hands him her Ipad.
"you can start by watching some tutorials on how to cook a Thanksgiving meal. That would actually be very helpful, and I´ll be back in a little while with our bird."
She says before tugging on his shirt, indicating she wants him to lean over to her level. When he does, she plants a sweet peck on his chin.
"...Kay." The shark nods and answers in a resigned tone.
A "little while" ended up being more like a couple of hours.
Time which Shark, in fact, spent watching Thanksgiving cooking tutorials.
"Louise might be right. We can do this. Our Thanksgiving grinds are gonna break da mouth." He thinks to himself with genuine enthusiasm.
Already planning the meal in his head when he hears Louise pulling into the driveway.
A minute later, she pimp-walks through the door and all the way into the kitchen with a smug smile on her lips.
"And you doubted me." She says to the shark once she's done doing a little victory dance in the kitchen.
"Yeah, you're right. I should know by now that when you put your mind to something, nothing will stand in your way."
"You know it, Sharky! Okay, now I do need your help carrying the bird inside. He's a heavy little bastard."
"Can do."
The shark says in a sing-song tone.
As makes his way to the bed of the pickup truck he notices that for some reason, their bird is wrapped in a blanket.
"Hey, Louise, why is the turkey wrapped in a bla-?"
As soon as Shark pulls on the fabric, he gets his answer.
Instead of your regular store-bought Butterball, Shark is staring at a fully feather-covered bird, head and feet still attached.
"You got us a turkey!"
Is, the first thing that comes out of King Shark´s mouth as he squeezes through the door and into the kitchen, carrying the bird in his arms like if it were a large feathered, frozen baby.
"Yeah, well, duh."
Says Louise, between swigs of the beer, she just got out of the refrigerator.
"No, I mean, you got us a real turkey! Not one from the frozen food aisle. You actually hunted down a real wild turkey!"
Shark can barely contain his excitement. He knows Louise is a badass, but he has a whole nother level of respect for hunters. Him being one and all.
"...Um, yeah, well...no, not exactly."
"What do you mean? This is a wild turkey."
"It's a turkey."
"A wild turkey!"
"No, just... a turkey."
''Yeah, that you got from...the wild?"
As soon as he says this last part out loud, Sharky realizes how unlikely it is that Louise, in fact, hunted a wild turkey. That's not to say that she´s not an efficient killer, but she usually kills targets that are coming at her or are in her way. And, although she has many skills, Shark just can't picture her in an Elmer Fudd getup, stalking wild poultry.
"Louise, where did you get this turkey from?"
"...Istolehimfromapettingzoo."
She mutters under her breath while covering her mouth with her beer can.
"Huh? Isotonic running shoes?"
Louise gives one last tug at her beer, sighs, and then enunciates.
"I stole him from a petting zoo."
Shark just stares at her and, slow blinks as this new piece of information sinks in.
"What? We needed a bird, and like you pointed out earlier, all of the stores are out of turkeys the day before Thanksgiving. So, I had to get creative.
I googled ''petting zoos" in our area, found one not too far from here, drove there, broke in, went into the turkey pen, and picked out the fattest bird they had. Froze it solid and, well, here we are.
That's why it took me so long to get back home. Once frozen, the bird was so heavy, I had to wrap him in a blanket so I could drag him to the truck."
"You...got us a...petting zoo turkey?"
Shark still can't believe the words coming out of his mouth as he says them out loud.
"Yeah, so what? You know he's a healthy bird cause they wouldn't let a sick animal near children, and because kids feed him all day, he's really fat." She explains with a satisfied smile on her face.
"I guess so. But, a petting zoo turkey? Really? Isn't that just in bad taste?"
"Hey, I once had to stop you from eating the cat."
"Touche. Ok, well, we need to get this bird into the bathtub, stat."
"Into the tub? What? Why?"
"So he can thaw out by tomorrow. He's too big to fit in the kitchen sink, and he has to stay in there at least…"
Shark picks up the turkey and weighs him in his hands.
"Twelve hours. Yeah, he'll weigh about twenty-two pounds once defrosted. So, he should be good to go in the oven by tomorrow at... six am."
"Crap. I hadn't thought about thawing it. Wait, how do you know that?"
"You're not the only one who can google stuff about turkeys."
Shark says with a wink.
The next morning Shark wakes up before the alarm goes off. Excitement pumping through his veins.
"This is really happening. We're really gonna cook our first Thanksgiving meal together. There'll be banter and lively discussions about what to put in the stuffing. Maybe we'll even have a sexy little food fight that will end in a passionate makeout session against the fridge.
One day, we'll look back on this, our first Thanksgiving together, and remember it fondly…"
As Shark brims with anticipation and optimism, he turns to a fast asleep Louise at his side and gently nudges her on the shoulder. To which she just mumbles some unintelligible words and rolls on her side.
He tries again.
"Rise and shine, it's turkey time!"
Shark says in a sing-song tone.
This time Louise jolts awake with a snort and sits up.
"Whu-whuddhapened? What's wrong?"
She asks, looking around through one half-open eye, still very much in zombie mode.
"We need to get cookin´ good lookin'."
"The hell are you babbling on about? It's still dark outside…"
Louise mumbles in a soft, feeble voice while rubbing her eyes open.
"Oh boy, here it comes."
Shark braces himself.
Early in their relationship, Shark learned that Louise wasn't what people might call a "morning person". And that waking her up was something that should be legally covered under hazardous pay.
"Wait, what time is it?"
She asks, looking around for the alarm clock, more coherent now but still a bit groggy.
"You see? I knew this was gonna happen..."
The shark huffs.
"What time is it?" Louise groans.
"This is why last night, I asked you to come to bed early. Because, we both know that if you don't get your eight hours of sleep, you wake up cranky and-"
"NANAUE!" The exasperated and sleep-deprived woman shouts.
"SIX A.M!" The shark shouts back.
"Wha-? Are you-? Have you lost your damn mind?!"
Louise glares at King Shark in utter disbelief before announcing:
"Screw that! I'm going back to sleep."
Right before unceremoniously plopping herself face down onto her pillow.
King Shark stares up at the ceiling for a moment and sighs before he starts waking Louise up again. This time with more petting than nudging.
"C' mon babe, don't be like that…"
Louise lifts her face from her pillow just enough for Shark to see the warning look she's shooting his way. But, this isn´t King Shark's first rodeo.
He knows that confronting Louise head-on, or worst, trying to make her do something she doesn't want to do, is a sure way to lose that hand, for a while at least. So, instead, he shoots back her way his, sweetest, saddest puppy-shark eyes before pleading with her.
"I know you hate getting up this early, but think of all the fun we`ll have cooking Thanksgiving dinner together, just you and me, babe."
The tension in Louise's body dissipates a little. But, then she pulls the covers over her head with one hand while still clinging to her pillow like it were a lifeline with the other.
"Nope, nope, nope, noooooope. I wanna sleeeeep. Just let me sleep a little more. Please, Sharky."
The muffled pleas come from under the covers.
"I know, baby, I know. But, you're awake now, and we're gonna get some coffee in you, and you'll feel like yourself in no time."
Shark coos at his mate, hoping that the promise of coffee might do the trick.
Louise sits up again, still clinging to her blankets, rubbing her eyes, and asks in a genuinely hurt voice.
"Why are you doing this to me?"
Shark stares at her. Hair disheveled, eyes crusty and half-open, looking so much like a baby bird that just fell out of her nest, that he can't resist it. He cups her little face in his large hand while staring into those crusty baby blues and says:
"Oh, baby, don't you worry. I'll start the cooking, you go back to sleep, and join me in the kitchen whenever you feel up to it.
It's okay, you just get some shuteye."
And he really means it. Having made his peace with the fact that most, if not all of the cooking for the day has fallen unto him.
Damn him. Why does he have to be so incredibly sweet to her?
As he starts to get out of bed, Louise pulls him back towards her and tilts his head downwards, so she can kiss him, and then with a sigh, she tells him.
"I feel up to it now."
"I'll get started on that coffee, I mentioned. Just let me get the bird out of the tub first. and into the kitchen." King Shark reassures her.
"I'll get the bird. You go make the coffee."
"Are you sure? It's no problem for me to do both."
"I know, but I was the one who had the brilliant idea of cooking a meal that requires us to be up at the but crack of dawn, and I should be punished for that by hauling a wet bird carcass around."
She stretches and yawns before adding.
"I'm kidding. It's fine. I'm happy we're doing this."
Mustering all the goodwill a Metahuman-being can possess at such an ungodly hour, Louise drags herself out of bed and starts shuffling towards the bathroom in her polar bear house slippers, while Shark checks out her ass.
Even in the early morning, with bed hair, sleep creases, and the temper of a hungry bear, Louise still manages to make his heart swell. Not to mention other parts of his anatomy as well.
"Are you staring at my ass?" She asks without looking back.
"Yup."
"Good.
Sharky?"
"Coffee?"
"All of the coffee."
Louise drags her feet down the hallway towards her bathroom, muttering under her breath.
"Stupid Thanksgiving, stupid turkey, stupid Louise...What the hell was I thinking last night?"
But right before she reaches the bathroom door, she stops in her tracks and stares at the door while the wheels in her head turn.
A moment later, she´s making her way back to the bedroom.
Shark got out of bed right after Louise and is now debating whether he should make the bed right then and there or do it later, knowing full well that's not gonna happen.
On the other hand, delaying a caffeine addict, her fix is a risky move.
As he weighs his options, Louise pops her head through the doorway and asks:
"Can I wrap the turkey in your towel? I don't wanna get drenched."
"What? No. Use your own towel."
"But, but, I just got my towel out of the wash yesterday, and it's all nice and clean."
"Then use the blanket you wrapped the turkey in yesterday. I left it hanging on the shower rod above the tub."
The shark clarifies before she can ask him where it is.
"Oh. You're right! that's a better idea."
As she's about to start heading to the bathroom for the second time, she stops and asks:
"Why are you still here?
And not downstairs, making coffee."
"I was thinking I should make the bed right now, cause you know neither of us is gonna do it later."
"Can you make it in a mug? Does it have caffeine in it? Can I drink it?"
"Geez Louise, with a temper like that, you never gonna catch yourself a man."
"I don't wanna catch me a man, I want me a shark."
Louise retorts in a weird southern twang, without missing a beat, while heading towards the bathroom, a smile in her voice.
"Haha, good one!"
"Aaand some coffee."
"Okay, okay, I'm on it. I just need to go shi-shi first, if that's alright with you, boss?"
"As long as you don't pee in the coffee pot, let it flow."
"Hehe…Today is gonna be a good day…"
King Shark ponders as he leans over the toilet bowl to relieve himself. One hand resting on the wall in front of him to steady himself, the other firmly grasping his ´´Little Big Shark´´.
As he´s finishing, he lets go of the wall to scratch his belly, which triggers that last glorious burst of pee out of him.
He closes his eyes and leans back just a little, as he enjoys this simple and yet powerful pleasure.
And, as he´s about to shake it off, he hears a woman scream.
His woman, to be precise.
He tucks himself back into his boxers in a hurry, then he turns on his heel so fast, he almost trips on the bathmat on his way out.
The door swings open, hitting the wall, and the first thing he sees is Louise sprawled across the hallway floor. Her back towards him, arms up, trying to fight off a very pissed off…turkey?!
Furious gobble-gobbling echoes throughout the house.
Wet feathers fly everywhere and get plastered on the walls and ceiling, as the bird pecks wildly at a very startled and discombobulated Louise, who is doing her best to fend off its attacks. But every time she tries to grab a hold of the bird so she can freeze it, the bird pecks and scratches her before she can get the chance.
It takes Shark only a second to get over his initial shock at the surreal scene unfolding before his eyes, before shifting into his:
"I'm gonna tear you to pieces for hurting my Ku'uipo" mode.
The only problem is that they're in a narrow hallway, with Louise smack dab in the middle. So, he needs to use his head instead of just charging against his prey, only so he doesn´t end up hurting Louise in the process.
He decides in a split second that the best course of action is to step over Louise, and in doing so, push the bird back into her bathroom. Then, close the door behind him. Easy peasy.
As King Shark steps forward, the bird stops his frantic attacks on Louise to look up at the large male approaching him. But, instead of backing away, he jumps over Louise and darts towards the shark, wings a-flapping and furiously gobble-gobbling.
King Shark blinks in surprise, seeing this bold move, but quickly adjusts to this new development. He starts crouching down so he can catch the devil bird, when all of a sudden, it jumps and flies through his arms.
"Wait, turkeys can fly?!"
It's the only thought that has time to cross Shark's mind before the turkey starts pecking at him like he´s a giant corn cob.
Shark tries his best to catch him, but he's too small of a target. He tries swatting at him, but he´s too fast and too furious.
This is by far the most ridiculous fight King Shark has ever been in, and the worst part is that the bird is getting the upper hand or wing on him.
As soon as the turkey went after Sharky, Louise got back on her feet. Looking down at her bloody arms and hands, she grits her teeth. That fucking turkey is going down. All she has to do is grab it and hold onto it long enough to freeze the sonoma bitch.
She walks towards Sharky, eyes darting madly, trying to follow the bird's trajectory. She raises her bloody arms as if to catch it, but as she gets closer, King Shark shouts:
"NO! GET OUTTA HERE-OUCH!-BABY!"
"Let me help you!" Louise protests.
"I GOT THIS! OW! FUCK! GET BACK TO THE BATHROOM AND-OUCH!-TEND TO YOUR WOUNDS!" He tells her, between pecks and scratches.
"But-"
"LOUISE, PLEASE! YOUR WOUNDS...THE BLOOD…"
Louise knows what he means by that. And, despite herself, she turns around and goes back into her bathroom, which is a total mess by now.
There are wet feathers and what she assumes are turkey droppings all over the floor, but she can't think about cleaning up now. She gets her hefty first aid kit from under the sink. Then, she starts carefully running cold water on her wounds.
The damn turkey got her good. He had been aiming at her eyes, trying to claw them out, so naturally, she raised her arms up to protect herself.
The result is, her arms and hands are covered in deep scratches.
While pouring iodine over her wounds, she can hear the furious gobbling and flapping coming from the other side of the door, accompanied by King Shark's threats, curses, and ´´ouch!´´ sounds.
She´s truly baffled by the turkey's apparent resurrection.
She remembers how years ago, in another life, she had read about several accounts of small mammals, including a child, who had fallen into frozen waters. Only to be rescued, and against all odds, revived and made full recoveries.
She of all people understands the principle behind it, of course. If the body is frozen quickly enough, the heart slows down its rate to almost nothing. This, in turn, traps the oxygen in the blood, which preserves the brain.
But, successful reanimations and full recoveries outside controlled lab conditions are very rare.
The turkey, on the other hand, had been frozen solid by her, which should have killed it.
The scientist in her is fascinated by this unlikely turn of events. While the rest of her wants nothing more than to rip that bird apart with her bare hands.
''Never mind, Sharky will take care of that stupid turkey. I just hope he leaves enough of it for us to cook.'' Louise tells herself as she finishes wrapping her arms up in bandages.
Just then, she realizes that the shouting and the gobbling have stopped. As she strains her hearing, there's a knock on the door, followed by King Shark´s voice coming from the other side.
''Babe, are you okay? Can I come in?''
Louise unlocks and pushes the door open for him.
There, in front of her, stands King Shark, in his boxers and the shirt he sometimes sleeps in. Now scratched to shreds and covered in turkey.
His massive form blocks most of the doorway, but she can still see the feathers all over the floor, and some that are still floating around him. But, what catches her attention the most is how her Sharky's left eye is dangling by its optic nerve outside of its socket.
Louise gasps ''Oh, Sharky! what did that asshole bird do to you?''
''He pooped on me, babe! That little chickenshit pooped on me!''
King Shark whines in a defeated tone.
''Ow, my poor baby shark. Come here, let me take a look at that.''
Louise takes King Shark by the hand and squeezes past him, so he can sit on the toilet. He's so large that this is the only way they can both be in her bathroom at the same time.
''It's just poop. Disgusting bird from hell, poop.''
''I mean your eye. Here, sit down, and let me see if I can pop it back in.''
''Oh, that. It's not that bad. How are you doing? how badly did he get you?'' The shark asks, his tone dripping with concern.
''I'm okay. The little fucker scratched me up good, but he didn't get near my eyes or any arteries. So, there's that, I guess.''
Shark looks down at Louise´s bandaged arms, with one eye, and feels a burst of pain in his heart. He hates seeing his baby hurt.
''Where is he?'' Louise asks while fumbling with his dangling eye.
''You mean the turkey?''
''No, Waldo. From the popular children's book?''
Then, after seeing Shark's confused look in his eye, she adds.
''Yes, babe, I mean the turkey.''
''I threw him out the bedroom window.''
''Good. I'm glad he's dead.''
''I don't know about that. He's one resilient little bastard, and he can fly too. Did you know turkeys can fly? Cause I sure didn´t.''
Louise stops her gentle prodding of King Shark´s face and stares at him.
''Wait, are you telling me that thing is still alive? You didn't kill him before you threw him out?'' Louise asks in disbelief.
''Hey, it wasn't for a lack of trying. But that's one tough bird. He fought me beak and nail, and I`m pretty sure he was using guerrilla warfare tactics on me.
He was so fast I couldn't catch him. All I could do was open the nearest window and shove him out of it.
What I can't understand is how that thing is alive in the first place. Are you sure you killed him last night?''
''Here, hold this.'' Louise asks as she hands him his dangling eyeball.
''Of course, I killed him. You saw him, he was frozen solid.''
''Yeah, no, I mean before that. You did kill him before you froze him, right?''
''Why would I do that? I mean, it`s not necessary, that's...overkill.''
The shark tilts his head in annoyance.
''Wow! Really, Louise? Really? Hold on, I need both my eyes to judge you.''
The shark explains as he lifts his eyeball back to eye-socket level so he can glare down at her.
''Hey! You know damn well that when I freeze someone, they´re as good as dead!''
Louise says in a defensive tone, starting to get more than a bit flustered by the implication that she's not a proper killer.
''Tell that to the very pissed off, very much alive turkey that scratched my eye out, Louise.''
''He WAS dead!
I think we´re ignoring the obvious answer here. Turkeys are magical.''
Somehow King Shark is not amused.
''I can't fix your eye like this. I need you to lie down so I can pop it back in. Come on, let's go to the bedroom.'' Louise states dryly.
King Shark lies down on the bed, while Louise hovers above him, holding his eyeball between her thumb and her ring finger. Her tongue, slightly poking out of one of the corners of her mouth, as she concentrates on her task.
Meanwhile, he refuses to look at her with his good eye.
''I can't believe you didn't kill the turkey.'' The shark grumbles.
''Hey, man! as far as I know, you weren't able to kill that thing either, but I´m not giving you grief about it. So, back off, okay?''
''You got shredded, and I got pooped on by a bird from hell. So no, not okay, Louise.''
''You know what, Sharky? You can kiss my-OH! I GOT IT! IT WENT IN!''
Right at that moment, Louise manages to pop King Shark´s eye back into its socket.
King Shark sits up, blinks, and rubs his eye with the heel of his hand.
''How is it? Can you see out of it?''
Louise asks expectantly.
''It's a little blurry and dry... but yeah, I can totally see.''
''All right!''
Louise and Shark high five each other, forgetting for a second that they´re in the middle of an escalating argument.
Louise then rubs her left arm awkwardly, not quite sure what to say or do next.
Fortunately, King Shark does. He leans forward towards her and pulls her carefully into an embrace.
''Babe, can't you see this is not us? It's that devil bird. He's trying to turn us against each other. That's his game, divide and conquer. We can't give him what he wants.''
The thought of a turkey plotting against them like some kind of evil mastermind and the sincerity and conviction in King Shark´s voice while describing it make her cackle.
''Oh, Sharky, you´re too much.''
''I´m sorry for blaming you for the bird. I just don't like not being able to keep you safe.''
''And getting crapped on by a bird.''
''And getting crapped on by a bird, or any other kind of animal for that matter.''
Louise tries not to laugh at Shark´s misfortune. She fails.
''I´m sorry you got crapped on, and I'm sorry I didn't make sure the turkey was dead...''
''Forget about it. Meh, maybe turkeys really are magical.'' The shark shrugs.
''Ha! Yeah, maybe. So, are we good?'' Louise asks, awkwardly, while staring up at him.
''Yeah. We´re good. Just one more thing. Kiss your what?''
''Huh?''
Louise gives him a confused look.
''Before, when you were popping my eye back in its place, you were saying I should kiss your…
What did you want me to kiss? Cause I´ll do it if you ask nicely.''
He pulls her even closer, carefully, always aware of her injured arms. Until he can feel her body cold bleeding into his own flesh.
Thanksgiving, the turkey from hell, their argument, everything else other than the two of them, and their embrace is forgotten. All he wants to do now is lick her panties and tank top off for an appetizer before moving onto a heartier meal.
Louise squirms in utter delight in his arms. She tilts her head upward and starts lying kisses all over Shark´s metal maw. Right before giving him the slip and walking over to her dresser.
She pulls out a pair of hot pink yoga pants from the top drawer, then kicks off her slippers, and starts putting her pants on.
Shark watches her intently, and as she pulls her pants up, he can´t help but complain in a whiny tone, as he stretches his arms out to her in a pleading manner.
''Noooo. Don't put clothes on. Start taking them off instead.''
Louise takes his hand and allows King Shark to pull her back into his arms. While he tugs on her pants, still hoping to get some morning sex, Louise scans the floor for her sneakers, which she usually discards under her side of the bed.
Once located, she wiggles them on without untying the laces.
King Shark stops his advances long enough to ask.
''What are you doing? Why are you getting dressed?''
''So, I can go out.''
''Out? Out where?''
''What do you mean, ´´out where?´´
To kill that damn turkey.''
Sharky´s adorable, but sometimes he can be such a space cadet.
King Shark stares at Louise and blinks slowly.
''Babe, I know you're pissed, but don't you think going after a turkey to get even is, I don´t know, beneath you?''
''I'm not gonna kill it to get even. That´s just an added bonus. I'm gonna kill it because that bird is our Thanksgiving dinner, babe.''
Now King Shark is really confused. After the morning they just had, he assumed Thanksgiving was canceled.
He follows Louise down the stairs and out into the front yard. He then watches her look around for their fugitive meal.
''How do you plan on catching him?''
He asks.
''Not sure. Some kind of trap, maybe.''
''How did you catch him in the first place?''
''He was asleep in his pen. I just walked up to him from behind and froze him solid.''
''Yeah, I got a feeling that´s not gonna work this time around.
Babe, you know I love how driven and bloodthirsty you are, right? But you got mauled, and I got pooped on. So maybe, just maybe, we cut our losses and let the turkey go. We still have plenty of food back at the house.''
''Nope. I want that turkey. Are you just gonna stand there talking, or are you gonna help me?''
''You know what, babe? Nah. You are being pig-headed and stubborn, for no reason other than your wounded pride and your need to always get your way. You´re on your own on this one.''
Shark tells her as he crosses his arms over his chest.
''Fine! It´s not like I need the help. I ki-caught this bird by myself once, and I can do it again.''
Louise starts walking away from King Shark while gobble-gobbling, hoping it might draw the turkey out of hiding.
''Here turkey, turkey, turkey. Gobble, gobble, gobble. I´m not gonna hurt ya, I just wanna be your friend, and...feed ya.''
Then she turns around and walks a few feet back in King Shark´s direction.
''And just so you know, pig-headed and stubborn are the same thing. So... there!.''
''Yeah, I know. But you´re so stubborn it´s worth mentioning twice. Babe, come on, give it up. That bird must be in the wind by now.''
''Nope.''
''Why the hell not?''
''Cause it´s not Thanksgiving without a damn turkey! and that´s the only one we've got.''
Louise growls through gritted teeth.
''Since when do you care about Thanksgiving or traditions for that matter?''
''Since...''
Louise stops talking and walks all the way back to where King Shark is standing.
''Since you came back into my life Sharky.
Do you really think I don't know how ridiculous it is to make a big deal about turkeys and Thanksgiving? But, for the first time in a very, very long time, I have something to be thankful for in my life. You.
I am very much aware of how the odds of us finding each other, not once but twice, are astronomically against us. Yeah, I did the math.
I also know that people like us don´t get a chance at doing stuff like Thanksgiving and Christmas and at being in happy relationships.
So, now that we have a second chance, I´m gonna do whatever it takes to change those odds. And if that means wrestling a zombie turkey with my bare hands, then so be it.
Hell, that´s life, in a nutshell, you're either giving an ass whopping or taking one. Why would Thanksgiving be any different?''
King Shark is taken aback by this.
Louise is such a practical person, not much inclined to romantic gestures. To see her so invested in Thanksgiving as a symbol of their relationship moves him in ways, he can´t begin to express.
''Stand down, babe.''
''What? No! I already told you, this is our first Thanksgiving together, and I'm not giving up. We´re gonna stuff our faces and make some freaking lovely memories, even if it kills us!''
King Shark can tell that Louise is getting increasingly agitated, and close to that special place of hers, where she flips her lid and starts freezing everything around her.
''I know, babe, I know. I meant for you to stand down, cause I´m gonna go and kill us that turkey.''
Suddenly Louise´s frantic stance drops a little at hearing this.
''You are?''
''Of course, babe. Today means a lot to me as well.''
''It does?''
''It does. And if my baby wants to stuff her sharkhole with zombie turkey, then that´s what my baby will do.''
''Aw, Sharky, that's so swee-wait, ´´sharkhole´´?''
''Yeah. You know, cause you go down on me. I´m a shark. Sharkhole.''
Shark feels the need to punctuate his explanation with a head-bobbing motion.
''Yeah, no, I get it. I don´t-I don´t like that. Just say piehole.''
King Shark raises an eyebrow at this.
''Really? Cause I´ve never seen you eat a pie, but just last night you couldn´t get enough of my-''
''Hey, can we go back to the part of you killing that turkey, as a token of your love for me?''
''Oh, right. I´m gonna kill that turkey. Then, we´re gonna pluck its feathers, stuff its butthole with grounded beef, plums, and breadcrumbs, cook it, and eat it.
Now, you stay put. Whatever that thing scratches or pecks off of me, I can grow back.''
As he says this, King Shark rips what´s left of his shirt. and then drops to his knees.
''I just want a sweet little honi from my woman for good luck before I go into battle.''
Seeing Shark all bare-chested and calling her ´´his woman´´, talking about killing, and but stuffing really gets her engine going.
As Louise plants a loud, wet kiss on Shark´s metal cheek, she whispers into his ear area.
''When you bring me that turkey pelt...I´m gonna show you what I can really do with my sharkhole.''
King Shark gasps, shaken with arousal.
''That freaking bird is SO dead.''
At that moment, Louise knows everything's gonna be all right. Sharky's gonna get them that turkey and, they´re gonna have a perfect Thanksgiving together. Hopefully, the first of many.
Her optimistic thoughts are interrupted when King Shark, suddenly stands up and looks towards the dirt road that leads from the main road to their house. His head slightly tilted to one side, like he's listening to something in the distance.
''What is it? Is it the turkey?'' Luise asks in a hushed tone as she looks around her.
''No...not a turkey...''
King Shark hears a violent metallic crash in the distance. Like the sound of a car hitting a metal gate.
''Hey, are we expecting company?''
''Company? No...''
Before Louise can finish her sentence, she's interrupted by the sound of a car revving up, and making its way towards them at a high speed. A moment later, they see a cloud of dust coming their way.
The red BMW convertible reaches the house in no time. But, instead of coming to a stop, it makes a sharp turn and keeps going and going, taking the porch along with it for a ride.
Wooden debris, which used to be the front porch rain down on them.
King Shark instinctively steps in front of Louise to shield her.
The beemer eventually stops several feet away from the house, nestled in a pile of rubble.
King Shark looks at the wreckage, mouth agape. Louise comes out from behind him, both hands holding the sides of her head.
She can´t believe what she´s seeing. Her new porch is now a pile of kindle wood.
As she and King Shark hurry towards the car, the driver's door opens, greeting them with a flood of empty and half-empty bottles pouring out, alongside a drunk idiot for good measure.
''Happy turkey day, everybody! Goble, Goble!''
The man shouts before falling on his face. To his credit never letting go of the half-empty bottle of hooch in his hand.
Louise reaches down, grabbing him by the collar, and starts shaking him like a baby.
''What the hell is wrong with you, Linus?! Have you lost your damn mind?!''
The man looks up at her, blurry-eyed, and smiles.
''Heeeey! Louise, when did you get here?''
He asks before passing out again in her arms.
''Goddamnit! Linus, I would beat the ever-living shit out of you if I didn´t think you might actually get off on it.''
The very inebriated man opens his eyes again.
''I'm so glad you're here. I wanted to drive over to your house, but I couldn´t find my car. I just wish Shing Kark was here...I love him sooo muuuuch.''
Meanwhile, ''Shing Kark'' is reaching his right arm into the car, so he can turn the ignition off. As he does this, he sees something through the windshield that catches his eye. He then fishes out a couple of yellow prescription bottles from the dashboard.
''Looks like this numbnuts has been mixing pills with booze, babe.''
At the sound of King Shark´s voice, Linus springs to his feet and drunkenly runs towards him, arms wide open.
''There´s my-my Sharky shark, shark...I was...I was just telling Youise...Lou-Louise, how much I love you. Come here, give me a kiss.''
Linus wraps his arms around the shark´s waist.
''You are my best...best friend, and I love you more than anything in the world.'' He then gently kisses the shark´s chest.
King Shark sighs and pets the top of his scraggly head condescendingly.
''Yeah, I bet you love everyone right now.''
''Hey! Dummy! Why are you here? I thought Shar-King Shark and I had the week off. So, again, why are you here?!
Louise shouts at her employer, utterly livid at his intrusion.
Linus turns around and tries to make his way over to Louise, but only manages to take two steps before falling on his ass.
''Ow! To answer my first question: I love you. and B...Wait, what was the question again?''
Louise crouches down beside him and asks again, slowly.
''Why. Are. You. Here?''
''That..is a deep...question. Why are any of us here? Are we really here? Where are...we all...going?''
Linus rambles on while lying on his back, one hand firmly gripping his bottle, while covering his face from the early morning sun rays with the other.
''LINUUUUS! I SWEAR TO-!''
''Oh, you mean, why am I at our place? That's easy. It´s Thanksgiving, and instead of spending it with my awful family, I decided to go and be with my favorite couple...''
''And they had the good sense not to tell you where they live. So, you came here instead. Okay, Got it.''
''You´re-you´re...you´re so mean. Why are you so mean...Louise?''
''Cause you just plowed your small dick advertisement through my new porch, you drunken jackass!'' She says, at first in a sweet tone, which by mid-sentence changes into pure contempt.
''Well, that´s like...your opinion and...you're entitled to have one...''
Then, he sits up, reaches over to her face with his index finger, and... boops her nose while making a ´´Boop!´´ sound.
Louise stands up. She´s beside herself.
''Did you just...boop my nose?!''
She looks at King Shark, who looks back at her with a mixture of disbelief and amusement.
''Babe, I think we need to take him to the E.R.''
''Yeah! Take that... stuck-that stick... up your ass, and take it out of your ass, Louise. Here, have some Wild Turkey.''
Linus says as he tries to hand Louise the half-empty bottle of hooch.
At the mention of ''turkey'', Louise loses it.
''Fuck him! Let him O.D!.''
''Yeah! Fuck me! Who the hell do I think I am, interrupting your Thanksgiving, and wrecking the house I let you live in?!''
Linus shouts in agreement before hurling the bottle he was holding and then passing out again.
''Okay. That´s one way to go, babe. But, if he dies, we're out of a job and a place to live.'' The shark points out accurately.
Louise growls with pure exasperation as she shakes a fist up to the heavens.
''Besides, I think it would be a good idea to have those wounds on your arms looked at.''
''Uuuugh! Fine!. You throw the idiot in the back of the Pickup. I need to get my insurance card, wallet, phone, and keys. I´ll be right back.''
Louise starts making her way towards the front door, where her porch used to be, out of pure habit. Then she stops dead in her tracks, shakes her head, and starts heading for the back door.
''Hey, babe, can you bring me my cell phone too? And my slippahs, and pants? B-babe?''
King Shark asks as he stands in his boxers holding a semi-conscious Linus in his arms.
''Oooooh, child! Looks like you started celebrating early this year.''
A robust, middle-aged African-American nurse in purple scrubs leans over to take a better look at an unconscious Linus being dangled in front of her. While King Shark holds him up by the armpits like a kid proudly displaying his cat so everyone can see.
''I think he´s been mixin´ booze and pills.''
Is all the shark can think of to say to the nurse in front of him.
''Well, aren´t you a helpful tall glass of milk? Here, put him down on this gurney. Do you happen to know what kind of pills your friend was partying with?''
King Shark lifts the unconscious Linus up into the gurney. He tries to get him on it in one clean, swift motion but, instead, he accidentally bonks his head against the false ceiling.
''Oops. Sorry.''
''It's okay sugar, I don´t think your friend here can feel pain. or anything else for that matter.''
The nurse explains as she looks at the empty prescription bottles Shark just handed her.
''Xanax, muscle relaxers and Vicodin. Your little friend took what we like to call around here a ´´Family Muffler´´. Yeah, people get stressed out around the Holidays and start popping prescriptions like they´re skittles and then washing them down with booze. Your friend wouldn´t happen to be coming out of the closet to his family today?''
''Ummm...I don´t think so.''
''Too bad. We got an office bingo going on. Well, don't you worry, we´re gonna take good care of-what´s your friend's name?''
''Linus.''
''We're gonna take good care of Linus here. We'll get his stomach pumped, and he'll be good as new in a couple of hours.''
As Linus is being wheeled away, Louise walks over with a clipboard in hand.
''Is the idiot gonna be okay? She asked, not giving a crap.''
''The nurse says they're gonna pump his stomach, and then he should be fine.''
''And what happened to you sugar? Did you get into it with a weedwhacker?'' The same nurse asks Louise as she stares at her bandaged arms.
''I was attacked by a turkey.'' Louise states plainly.
''Uh-huh. Let me take a look at them papers.
Here it says you´re not allergic to any medication. But there are quite a few gaps in your medical history.''
''There was a flood.'' Louise blurts out.
''Come again?''
''In the town where I grew up in. There was a flood when the Black Lanterns came raising the dead. They destroyed a damn nearby. We lost everything, including our medical records.''
Louise recites her cover story as realistically as she can.
''Let me take a look at that.''
The nurse says as she gently and skillfully starts unwrapping Louise's bandages.
''Uh-huh, uh-huh. We're gonna get these wounds cleaned up, and you´re gonna need a few stitches and a couple of shots.''
Louise starts to groan at the sound of ''stitches'' when she hears the word ''shots''.
''Shots? Why do I need shoots? It´s not like I got bitten by a dog or something.''
''Yeah, well, turkey's feet are filthy. They stand around in their own filth all day, and can give you all sorts of nasty bugs if they manage to scratch you.''
''Well, isn't that just...the icing on the crap cake...'' Louise groans out.
''But, I´m more concerned about your body temperature right now. You´re very cold. I would like to admit you so we can run some tests just to make sure everything´s all right.''
The nurse is still holding Louise´s hand when she tells her this, and Louise can feel a slight panic bubbling up at the bottom of her stomach.
''That won't be necessary. I've always been cold to the touch. It runs in my family. It´s no big deal. Really.''
She explains as she pulls her hand away.
''Honey, I don´t wanna worry you, but you might have a blood pressure problem, and with your records being so spotty, we really should make sure...''
Louise glances over at King Shark. He´s been quiet throughout this whole interaction but, is staring at both women intently.
''It´s okay, really. I feel fine. Great even. Besides, I don´t think my insurance will cover the tests.'' Louise insists.
The nurse looks at Louise suspiciously and then glances at King Shark.
''Hold on. I think I know what´s going on here...''
Louise can feel her heart starting to beat a little faster...
King Shark looks around. He noticed a guard near the front desk when they came in. Nothing they can´t handle.
''The nurse called me a tall glass of milk. She's nice. I don´t wanna have to kill her on Thanksgiving.''
She then leans closer into Louise´s personal space.
''Honey, it's all right. I understand. If you're a Meta, you need to tell me so I can make sure you get the best medical care possible.
I know you´re worried your employer might find out. But, thanks to the Metahuman Care Act, your ´´condition´´ won't be registered into the system.''
Louise holds her breath for a tense moment. Shark stares at her, reading her body language, so he can get a hint of what's about to go down next.
''Yeah. I´m a Meta. I don´t have any weird powers or anything. I´m just cold all of the time, but go tell that to my boss and coworkers. Look, I really can´t afford to lose my job over this.''
Louise explains, trying to look and sound as sincere and sympathetic as possible.
''Don´t you worry honey your medical information will stay private. We just wanna treat them nasty gashes on your arms. And then you can go back home with that tall glass of muscle boyfriend of yours and celebrate Thanksgiving. C´mon, follow me...''
The nurse looks over the admission papers and calls out...
''Jennifer.''
Louise stands there for a second before she remembers.
''Yup, that´s me. Good old Jennifer Hale.''
''Meanwhile, you can go wait for your friends discharge in the waiting area, sugar.''
The nurse tells King Shark.
''That´s okay. I think I´ll wait outside. I´m a little too heavy for the waiting room chairs.''
The shark explains as he rubs the back of his neck awkwardly.
The nurse looks him over and says:
''Sugar, we´re in Florida. Over a third of our patients weigh over three hundred pounds. You just march yourself down to that waiting area, and park your derriere while we patch up your friends.''
King Shark walks over to the waiting room, fumbling with Louise's keys, her cell phone, and wallet, plus his own cell phone and wallet as well.
He's noticed that Louise doesn't like to carry a purse. According to her, she doesn´t need one, and yet every time they go out, he ends up carrying her stuff.
''This is ridiculous. I'm gonna have to get a fanny-pack.''
As he makes his way down the hallway, he can hear some kind of a commotion coming from the waiting area. As he gets closer, he can make out a female voice cursing up a storm at the top of her lungs. So, he peeks his head just enough to see what the shouting is all about.
A petite brunette is being dragged away by a couple of uniformed cops with the help of the guard Shark had seen earlier.
''I´LL KILL HIM! LET ME KILL THAT WORTHLESS SON OF A BITCH! I´LL KILL YOU ALL!''
The woman shouts as she´s dragged away.
King Shark can´t help but chuckle when one of her kicks connects with the groin of one of the cops who's dragging her away.
''Heh. Good for you sistah.''
It´s not easy for him to quell the urge to go after those cops and turn them into hamburger meat. And then what? Louise still needs to get herself patched up. Powerful and ruthless she may be, but she´s not invulnerable.
This relationship thing is hard. He finds himself doing things he's never done before, feeling things he´s never felt before. Sometime´s he can´t recognize himself anymore.
He wouldn´t change it for anything in the world.
He takes a deep breath. The show´s over, the pigs are gone,
angry lady in tow and the guard is back at his post next to the admissions counter.
Shark has to remind himself he´s not wanted before he walks into the waiting area.
He surveys his surroundings.
When they arrived at the emergency room a little while ago, the place was empty, except for a homeless man sleeping near the entrance.
He´s still there, and so is a guy doubled over on a gurney near said entrance, not far from the homeless guy.
There´s also a balding, middle-aged white man sitting one place away from gurney-guy, and it looks like he´s drinking a beer.
On closer inspection, he realizes that instead of those regular shitty plastic seats, this hospital has long, sturdy concrete benches. Just like the nurse said.
As he moves toward the last row, he glances over at balding guy and confirms he is, in fact, drinking a beer. As he passes him by, he sees that there´s an ice chest sitting in the spot between beer-guy and gurney-guy.
''So, that´s where the beer came from.''
Shark realizes.
He sits down, all the way in the back and tries to make himself as inconspicuous as possible. He really doesn´t need any more shit going down today.
The shark whips his cell-phone out and starts fidgeting with it. He starts erasing turkey recipes one after the other, and he can´t help but feel disappointed.
He thinks of his small kid time when his aunties, uncles, and cousins would come over to his mom's house. There´d be cooking and eating, singing and laughter. Those are some of his fondest memories. And, for a while there, he thought he might actually get to make some new ones with Louise.
What was it that she had said to him? ''People like us don´t get a chance at doing Thanksgiving...?''
''Hey, you Samoan?''
Shark looks up from his phone to find beer-guy looking back at him from his seat.
''I´m Hawaiian.''
No need to specify that he's a Hawaiian shark.
''Damn!''
The shark gives the man a confused look.
''Eh, no offense guy. It´s just I'm out five bucks because of you. I bet my buddy on the gurney here that you were Samoan.''
The shark shrugs
''None taken. You wouldn´t happen to have another beer in that ice chest?''
''...Sure guy. Take a seat. We´re swapping war stories until the on-call surgeon gets here.''
King Shark hesitates for a second and then thinks how he could really use a beer right about now. So, he decides to move down to the front row and to play nice with the neighbors.
''Hey, I´m Roger, and my friend here is Terry.''
The middle-aged white guy introduces himself, while his friend doesn´t bother to uncoil himself from where he lies. But, he does raise a hand and waves indistinctly in Shark´s direction.
''Hey, I´m...Mark.''
The shark introduces himself.
''So, what are you, Mark? like a linebacker?''
''Um...sure. Why not?
Hey, uh, so I was just inside with my girlfriend. Do you know what the deal was with that crazy broad the cops dragged outta here?''
''Hey, buddy! I'll have you know that crazy broad just happens to be my wife, Sharon!''
Roger exclaims.
King Shark´s eyes open wide.
''Oh, man, I didn´t-''
''Hahaha, relax I´m just busting your balls. She is a crazy broad. Just ask my shoulder.''
And as Roger says this, he turns around and shows ''Mark'' the meat thermometer sticking out of his right shoulder.
''Damn! Your old lady did that to you?''
Shark asks with genuine surprise. He had smelled blood and was doing his best to control his urges, but he had chalked it up to being in a hospital.
''Yeah. We were in the kitchen arguing about the Thanksgiving menu, and I told her that her stuffing wasn´t as good as my mother´s. Apparently, that was the straw that broke the camel´s back. Cause she got this wild look in her eyes and then started chasing me around the duplex with the meat thermometer until she finally got me. So that´s my story, do you think you can top that?''
''Well, my girlfriend Lou-Jennifer, got mauled by a turkey. We thought it was dead. It wasn´t. Scratched her arms pretty good.''
''An animal attack, not bad. Let me ask you this, is she gonna need surgery to patch her up?''
''Nah, nothing like that. The nurse said she only needs a few stitches and a couple of shots, and she'll be good to go.''
''Buddy. Buddy, look at this. I´ve got a freakin´ meat thermometer coming out of me. The doctors here can´t even touch it cause it´s too close to an artery. That´s why I´m out here waiting for the on-call surgeon. The way I see it, your story doesn't come close to that.''
There´s a moment when, if you stick two or more guys together in the same room, they will start bragging and competing over anything they can think of. This was that moment.
''Oh yeah? Well, check this out. Right before my girl and I came down here, her boss crashed our house.''
The shark said in a bragging tone.
''Okay, uninvited guests suck, especially if they arrive early, and you can´t kick them out cause they can fire you. But I fail to see how that tops me getting stabbed.''
''No, you´re not listening to me. This numbnuts got hopped up on booze and goofy pills, then he decided to drive over to our house and then he crashed into the front porch.''
''Wow! An animal attack, AND a car crashing into your house? Now that´s impressive. Wait, is your girlfriend sleeping with her boss?''
''What!? No! Why would I help him if he was sleeping with my girl?''
''Hey, that´s just the kind of drama this holiday brings with it. And you gotta admit it is kinda fishy that this guy shows up to your house uninvited on Thanksgiving. That´s all I´m saying.''
''It´s not like that. I think he just didn´t wanna go home and see his family. I don´t think he had anywhere else to go.''
''Well, who can blame him. Thanksgiving is an endurance test on the soul.''
''So, do I win?''
The shark asks.
Roger chuckles.
''Sure, buddy. You win a beer. Here, take it out yourself.''
Roger says as he picks up the ice chest to his right. and reaches it over to ´´Mark´´''.
Shark opens the lid, ready to claim his prize, when...
''HOLY SHIT! Is that a...!?''
''You know it.'' Says Roger with a maliciously gleeful expression on his face.
''A man´s junk!?''
''Ding, ding, ding. Or should I say dong, dong, dong?''
Roger shamelessly remarks.
At this point, Terry starts sobbing loudly from his gurney.
''What...The...Fuuuck!?''
Now, Shark has seen and done a lot of fucked up things throughout his life, and he´s no stranger to carnage and mutilation. But seeing a severed penis when you don´t expect it, in an ice chest of all places, like some kind of perverse jack in the box, really shook him to his core.
The poor little fella was just sitting there on a pile of ice, leaning against the side of a beer can, looking all sad and confused, like he knew he didn´t belong there.
''Yeah, so, our friend Terry's girlfriend caught him cheating on her with her twin sister. She did not like this one bit, so she decided to perform a homemade vasectomy on him to make sure this didn't happen again, didn´t she Terry?
Makes our problems look like a booger, don´t it?''
Roger asks ''Mark''.
At the sound of this, Terry starts sobbing even louder from his gurney.
''There, there buddy.'' Roger comforts him as he pats him on the back.
''The on-call surgeon is gonna get here soon, and you´ll be good as new before you know it. I would stay away from your sister in law and your girlfriend if I were you, though.''
Roger laughs his ass off at his last remark.
Terry gives a loud audible moan.
''Oh buddy, don´t let this bring you down, keep your spirits up. Just...keep it...up. Hahahahaaa.''
''You´re one sick puppy Roge, you know that, right?''
King Shark feels a little queasy, and for once, he´s glad he´s running on an empty stomach.
''Relax, Mark, humor is the best medicine. Besides, he can take it, cause he sure as hell ain´t gonna be giving it any time soon if you know what I mean. Hahahahaaa.''
Suddenly Shark has a better understanding of why Roger´s old lady stabbed him.
''Can I still have that beer?''
''Sure buddy...''
''One that hasn´t touched Terry´s junk, if at all possible. No offense Terry.''
Terry groans, and lifts his thumb up at the shark from his curled up position.
''You´re good people, Terry. Stay strong.''
As King Shark receives his beer, Louise´s cell-phone slips out of his hoddie's pocket. When he tucks it back in, he glances at the screen and sees that it´s just past nine.
''How can it be so early, and I´m so ready for this day to be over?'' He wonders to himself
It's well past eleven when they finally get discharged.
The three shuffle out of the hospital, wincing at the sunlight.
Each one with their own pressing concerns weighing on their minds.
''I can´t believe I got mauled by a potential zombie turkey.''
''I can´t believe I saw a dude's severed junk in an ice chest.''
''Where the hell is my car?''
''Your car is at my house. Sorry, I meant to say, through my house.''
Louise informs her employer.
''Huh?''
''You drove your erectile dysfunction advertisement through my goddamn porch! My NEW goddamn porch!''
Louise hisses at Linus' baffled expression.
''Okay, first of all, it´s not erectile dysfunction if you´re too drunk to get it up. And second, I'm pretty sure it´s pronounced PorschÁ.''
''You´re the worst. Just...the absolute worst.''
Louise pinches the bridge of her nose while shaking her head.
''Am I the only one who´s starving?''
King Shark asks, interrupting the bickering pair walking in front of him.
''Are you kidding? I could eat a horse, reins, saddle, and tiny jockey included.''
Louise chimes in.
''Tell me about it. That stomach pumping made some serious room in me. And I really should lay down some food before I start drinking again.''
Louise starts to turn around to give Linus a piece of her mind when the sound of a foghorn blowing interrupts her.
King Shark pulls his cell-phone out of his pocket to read his new WhatsApp message.
''How´s it going bruh? Louise burn down the kitchen yet? LOL'' 11:23
''Not funny. We just got outta da er. Unamused Face emoji, Downcast Face With Sweat emoji.'' 11:24
''4 real? I was jk. What happened? Hushed face emoji.'' 11:24
''Thanksgiving´s canceled. We woke up to scrap with a turkey from hell. Turkey won. Then Louise´s boss wrecked the porch with his car. I saw a guy´s junk in an ice chest, and it´s not even 12. Grimacing Face emoji, Confounded Face emoji.'' 11:25
While Shark is texting, he trails behind, leaving Louise and Linus to walk ahead towards the pick-up truck.
''So? are you gonna tell me what the hell is wrong with you? I mean, besides the obvious.''
Louise asks Linus.
''Well, for starters, I´m pretty sure I´m sobering up, and that never needs to happen.''
Louise stares at him through squinted eyes, not one bit amused.
''You´re a real ...´´lolo´´ you know that?''
''A what?''
''It´s a Hawaiian word Sharky taught me. It means stupid, moron, imbecile. You. Did I say that right, baby?''
Louise turns to ask Shark.
King Shark looks up from his phone and at Louise.
''Nailed it, babe!''
And then goes back to texting.
''I´m gonna pay to get the porch fixed.''
Linus assures her.
''You bet your ass you will. That was never up for debate. It´s your fucking house after all. What I asked was, what the fuck is wrong with you? You could have killed yourself driving wasted like that.''
''Wow, I didn't know you cared, Louise. I´m touched.''
''Don´t be. If you die or get arrested, I´m out of a steady paycheck and a place to live. So, I´m gonna ask you one last time. What the hell is wrong with you?''
''Look, I usually hold my liquor down like a pro, but I guess I got a little carried away when I was trying to take the edge off last night. Don´t worry, I learned my lesson. No more mixing booze and pills. From now on, it's just booze and coke or just pills...and coke.''
Louise leans against the side of her truck while waiting for King Shark to catch up, and considers something Linus mentioned earlier.
''Take the edge of what? Seeing your family for Thanksgiving?''
She asks in a nonchalant, monotone voice.
''Hey, listen, I'm not gonna give the hardened criminal some sob story about how hard the little rich kid had it growing up. I´m sure you could tell me stories about your childhood that would make my blood curdle.''
''You don´t know me. You don´t know a damn thing about me.''
Her previous cool, monotone gone from her voice, instead replaced with a bitter edge.
''My parents were GOP donating, country club membership carrying, bougie pricks and, I´m glad that they´re dead. So, trust me when I tell you I know how fucking rotten and messed up the world you´re trying to drown in booze, drugs, and strippers is.''
Linus is taken aback for a second at her reaction. Then, just sighs.
''Yeah, well, sometimes I think the only thing that keeps my family together is their shared love of pointing out my fuck-up`s. And Thanksgiving is when they all come together under one roof to tear me a dozen new assholes as a group activity. It´s like a bonding ritual to them.
So, from one messed up prep school kid to another, trust me when I tell you, I´m good. I´ve got it under control. You can drop it now.''
''You know, when I think of hell, I mean as an actual place, I think of Thanksgiving with my family, or any other family-centered holiday for that matter. That´s what families are, a little slice of our own personal hells, but they are our shared hells.
They are the people who know us the best, our mistakes, and our weaknesses. But the thing is, that´s a two-way street.
Behind every cruel comment, there's an unseen wound. Behind every criticism, there's someone dealing with all sorts of personal issues...
Do you understand what I´m saying to you, Linus?''
Linus stares at the woman in front of him, the cold-blooded killer dishing out life lessons and advice on how to be a better person. He nods.
''I do. You´re saying that even if they suck, they are my family. Although they know my flaws and shortcomings, they love me, and I should cut them some slack because they're also dealing with problems of their own.''
Louise takes a deep breath and reaches her hand out to him, and for a second, Linus thinks she´s gonna pet him. Instead, she smacks him over the head.
''No, dumbass! What I´m saying is that you grew up around these jerks. If they got dirt on you, you should have some on them as well.
You once told me you have an older sister. What do you have on her? Drug problem? Abortions?
How about your dad? Does he have a mistress? Maybe a secret bank account? And your mom? Gambling addiction? An affair with her personal trainer?
You know these people, and what you don´t know, you can sure as hell find out. You are a resourceful guy, make it work in your favor.
Then, you walk into your parents' house, and when they start giving you shit about your life choices and various fuck-ups, you pull out your own ammo and start firing at will.
Shine a giant spotlight on all of their dirty secrets and watch them squirm and burn under the light, like bugs.
The way I see it, If you´re willing to throw your life away to avoid sitting down to share a meal with your family, you might as well go down swinging.''
''That´s not at all what I got from what you said.''
''That´s 'cause you´re a dumbass who takes drugs like they´re being discontinued tomorrow every day of his life.''
''Okay...that sounds more like the badass killer I hired.
So, that´s your advice, huh? I should go after my family?''
''You´re overthinking it. I bet that´s the first time you hear that. Look, things are much simpler than you think, they usually are.
It´s either you or them. I know what´s the choice I´d make every day, twice on Sunday.
It´s called assured mutual destruction. They go after you, you go after them, with all you got on them. According to my Republican parents, that is the American way. And, if you think about it, what is more American than sitting down to share a meal with the family you can`t stand. Ready to tear each other to pieces, on the anniversary of our ancestors starting a racial genocide?''
Linus stares at her with big brown eyes.
''I have just one question. If you hate Thanksgiving so much, why did you go through all the trouble to celebrate it?''
''Wait, how do you know that?''
''King Shark told me. He was talking to me in the back of your truck all the way to the hospital. If I didn´t know any better, I´d say he was trying to keep me awake. So why celebrate Thanksgiving if you hate it so much?''
''I hate Thanksgiving because it reminds me of my parents. Shark´s not like them. I can´t change my past, and why would I? If I did that, I would be changing myself, and I like myself the way I am, way too much to do that.
But, I guess I wanted to, I don't know, paint over it? Replace the old, shitty memories with some new, nicer ones.
I know that people like us don´t get a chance to do the same lovey-dovey crap everyone else takes for granted, like Thanksgiving. But when I´m with Nanaue, I feel like anything`s possible... like we might actually have a chance at...''
Louise stops and stares at the ground intently, like she can see through the layers of dirt, asphalt, and beyond. Before she can finish what she was saying, King Shark´s voice interrupts her train of thought.
''Hey, what are you guys talking about?''
Louise and Linus look up at him and answer in unison:
''Thanksgiving.''
''Oh... Oh! I have good news about that. I was just talking to Waylon. I told him about everything that went down, and he invited us over to his place for grinds.''
''I don´t know who Waylon is, but I´m in.''
Linus chimes in enthusiastically.
''Oh, so you just invited yourself to my friend´s house for Thanksgiving. Okay, cool ''
King Shark says, with a look of slight annoyance in his eyes.
''Hey, I´m just following your girlfriend´s advice.''
Linus proudly points at Louise while saying this.
''Wait, how is this my fault? No, really, I wanna understand the paths your mind takes to get from what I just told you, to you inviting yourself to tag along with us to a stranger's house for Thanksgiving.''
Louise asks out of genuine curiosity.
''True or false? It was you told me to flip my family off and do me instead.''
Linus asks her in turn.
Shark stares at Louise as she lets out an exasperated groan while pinching the bridge of her nose.
''Let him tag along. I rather have him with us where we can keep an eye on him, than have him roaming the streets unsupervised.
But, do we really wanna go over to Waylon´s for Thanksgiving? Cause, okay, hear me out. We get in the truck, and we go to a...diner!. Huh? huh? huh?''
King Shark, who´s already climbing into the back of the pickup, stops at hearing the last part and turns to glare at Louise incredulously.
''If we´re going out to eat, I say fuck the diner. I know the best Chinese restaurant in these here parts.''
Linus adds his two cents as he starts getting into the passenger seat.
The truck pulls into the dusty driveway, and a couple of two by fours crack loudly under the weight of its tires.
''I´m just saying it´s a little racist...''
Linus says as he gets out of the passenger seat.
''Not wanting to eat at a Chinese restaurant that´s located right next to a veterinarian hospital is not racist, it´s common sense.''
Louise is quick to answer as she gets out of the driver's seat.
''What do you think, baby?''
She asks as she looks back at King Shark, who's sitting as always in the back of the pickup. This time though, he has his knees tucked under his chin, because of the four boxes filled with bottles resting at his feet, taking up space.
''Yeah, baby, what do you think?''
Linus asks, batting his eyelashes in Shark's direction.
As the shark starts trying to get up so he can climb down, he stops and thinks for a moment before saying.
''Meat is meat. Cat, human, pork, in the end, it is all the same when it comes out.''
''I say that´s a vote for Chinese food.''
''We´re not going to the Chinese restaurant!''
''We´re not going out for Chinese!''
Louise and Shark shout back at Linus almost in unison.
Then, Louise looks back at Shark as he tries to stand up, and asks.
''What are you doing?''
''Getting out off the truck so I can help you carry the food?''
''That´s not necessary. Linus and I've got it. If he´s tagging along, he might as well pull his own weight.''
''Hey! I bought a ton of booze back at the liquor store. If that´s not pulling my weight, I don't know what is.''
Louise and Shark glance at the man and then keep talking over him.
''Don´t you wanna get changed or something?''
The shark asks.
Louise looks down at the tank top she slept in, and her hot pink yoga pants.
''What for? Chez Crocks? I don´t think so.''
King Shark shrugs.
''Suit yourself.''
And sits back down.
As Louise and Linus make their way around the house, she points at where his car rests among a pile of rubble without looking at it or him.
Once inside the kitchen, she starts gathering the food that she bought yesterday to make her Thanksgiving meal.
''What the hell was I thinking?''
''About what?''
Linus asks as he walks into the kitchen, right behind her.
''Nevermind. There are, um, a couple of cardboard boxes in the dining room. It´s through that door over there...''
Louise explains as she points at a door on the far end of the kitchen.
Linus gives her a funny look.
''Louise, I know where the dining room is.''
''Oh, right. I forgot you´re my landlord.
You start packing the food in the boxes and take them to the truck. I need to go upstairs. I´ll be down in... twenty minutes.''
Back in her bedroom, Louise steps on the heels of her snickers and kicks them off without untying the shoelaces.
She walks over to her dresser and takes out that special pair of jeans every woman owns. Those jeans that make sure you don´t ever have to pay for a drink when you´re wearing them.
Then she takes out a deep purple, off the shoulder crop top that no woman over thirty should be able to pull off, except she does.
Then, she fishes out from under the bed a pair of high heeled, pointed toe, black leather ankle boots.
Next: bathroom.
As she walks into her bathroom, she's greeted by the mess from earlier.
There's blood in the sink. Her blood. And feathers, and bird crap on the floor, and in the tub.
''Oh, hell, no!''
Next: Shark´s bathroom.
She walks across the hallway, toothbrush dangling from her mouth, while trying to pull her tank top off, and does her best to ignore the mess around her.
As she steps into Shark´s bathroom, she realizes something.
''Crap!''
Next: underwear.
Back in her room, Louise starts rummaging through her underwear drawer.
''Where is it? Where is it? C´mon, I know I have one...AHA! Score!''
Louise pulls out from the bottom of the drawer a glossy black bra and a pair of matching panties.
Next: Shark´s bathroom.
Louise hops on one foot all the way to Shark´s bathroom while pulling her yoga pants off.
Next: Wash face, armpits, brush teeth, brush hair...
But, first: pee.
Louise lifts the toilet lid, and as she´s about to sit down...
''Ew, seriously, babe? Flush much?''
While she sits on the toilet, she starts gnawing on one of the bra straps, trying to pull it off, so she can go for a strapless look.
''C´mon. c´mon, work with me, you worthless piece of...''
Meanwhile: back in the truck.
''So, I reach into the ice chest to get my beer, and BAM! there´s a dude´s junk sitting there.''
''For real? Wait, are you sure it wasn´t a sex toy? Cause let me tell ya, some of those look pretty real.''
''What? No, man. I'm telling you it was a dude´s junk. It belonged to Terry.''
''The guy with the crazy wife who stabbed him?''
''No, that's Roger. Terry is gurney guy with no junk.''
''Oh, okay. So, did you take a picture?''
King Shark stares at Linus like he´s trying to figure out a math problem.
''Why would I wanna picture of a dude´s junk in an ice chest?''
''I dunno, cause it´s cool?''
''You´re one strange little guy, you know that Linus?
Hey, how long did Louise said she was gonna take?''
''Uuh, twenty minutes? Maybe she hopped in the shower?''
''Nah, she can´t get her arms wet because of the bandages.''
''Hey, maybe she needs help getting out off and into her clothes. I really should pull my weight and go in and help her.''
Linus, who had been leaning on the side of Louise's truck while he and Shark talked, turns around and takes two steps towards the house before he`s stopped in his tracks.
''Stop. Stay. Good boy.''
Shark chuckles as Linus stops dead on his tracks and then leans back on the side of the truck again.
Before either of them can say anything else, they are interrupted by the incoming vision that is Louise.
''Wooow...''
''Niiice...''
''Drink it all in, boys. If I'm wearing a bra, I want compliments. So let me hear all the ´´ooohhh´s´´ and ´´aaahhh's´´, and if you feel like clapping, follow your instincts.''
''Wooow...''
''Very nice...''
She does a little turn, just to make sure everyone sees how her ass is popping in those jeans. Her crop-top drapes perfectly of her breasts, revealing enough mid-drift for it to be sexy, but not enough for it to be trashy. And the purple fabric brings out a certain lustrous quality in her pale skin.
Louise climbs halfway into the back of the truck, leaning forward, steadying herself with one hand while holding a silver cylinder in her other hand.
She lays a loud, wet kiss on King Shark's metal maw.
''How you doing, baby?''
''Not as fine as you, babe. You all right?''
The shark asks, looking down at her bandaged arms.
''Somewhat. The doctor at the E.R. gave me painkillers.''
She reassures him.
''Hey, what´s that?''
Linus interrupts the tender moment between the two lovers by pointing at the silver cylinder in Louise's hand.
Louise sighs and steps down.
''It´s a thermos. A coffee thermos.''
She clarifies before Linus can ask her about the content.
''Coffee? Oh, my god! That´s just what I need-Ouch! Ouch!
My favorite nipple!''
The young man cries out in pain and shock.
''Damn! I think you might have ripped it off! Let me check...one, two...aaand three. Phew, the gang's all here, we're good.''
''Keep your grubby little hands off my coffee. Emphasis on the MY.''
Louise tells Linus while keeping the thermos away from him.
''Oh, come on, don`t be like that. Share a little.''
Linus asks, pouting a little while still rubbing his sore nipple.
''Nope. I´m an only child, and I never learned how to share. Besides, I don´t want your disgusting saliva mixing with my coffee.''
''Wow. I used to masturbate in the room where you sleep in, and you get all persnickety about sharing a cup of joe.''
Louise stumbles backward and clutches her chest in horror.
''YOU DID WHAT?! I-I can´t even...I was in the bathroom for less than twenty minutes, how did you do it so fast?!
Baby! did you hear that? He was playing with himself in the place where we sleep, have sex, and occasionally snack in!''
Louise looks to King Shark for support in these difficult times.
''Relax, prude. That's not what I meant. Your bedroom used to be my room every summer growing up.''
Linus explains to a very horrified Louise.
''That makes it worst, somehow...''
Louise starts saying, while lost in a haze of sorts.
King Shark, on his part, just chuckles.
''I think I would have respected you more if you had gone upstairs just now and rubbed on out, like a boss.''
The shark tells Linus.
''...playing with your prepubescent self, like a bonobo on a mango tree...
Hey! Don´t encourage him, Sharky!
Stop laughing. It's not funny, babe!.''
''You´re right, it´s not funny. It´s freaking hilarious!
Babe, he got you before you even met him. You got owned by his twelve-year-old self.''
Shark tells her in all honesty and all amusement.
''More like my ten-year-old self. You see, I was an early bloomer, very curious about my body. In fact, the first time I started exploring myself was right up in that-''
Linus starts reminiscing fondly, as he stares towards Louise's bedroom window...
''Oh no, make him stop. Here, take it, take the coffee! just stop talking.''
Louise demands as she hands over the thermos to Linus.
''Hey, if it makes you feel better, show me your painkillers.''
Linus asks as he takes the thermos from Louise`s hands.
''What? My painkillers? Why?''
Louise asks suspiciously.
''Just let me see them. C'mon.''
''Better hand them over before he starts talking about his wet dreams, babe.''
Shark chimes in, chuckling again.
''Fine. Here. Take them.''
Louise hands Linus her prescription, feeling more than a little defeated, and very dirty, and not in a good way.
''Yeah, that´s what I thought. I take these when I´m feeling fine. Here, try these. Take four every two hours.''
Linus says as he hands her a yellow, translucid prescription bottle, not unlike her own.
''How did you get to keep these? They should have taken them away from you at the E.R.''
Louise asks with genuine surprise...
''Oh, I got these outta my car before you came down. Trust me, you´ll thank me later.''
Linus assures her while he pours himself a cup of coffee.
She eyeballs the bottle suspiciously.
''Hey, Dr. Kevorkian, here on the label, it says to take two every four hours.''
''Hey, Dr. Lincoln, two times four or four times two always adds up to eight, either way, you do the math.''
He responds smugly.
Louise and Linus climb into the truck, but before she starts the engine, she remembers something and turns around to Shark.
''Hey, before I forget. When did we institute a ´´If it´s yellow, it´s all mellow´´ policy in the house?
I´m not mad. Just let a girl know before you implement a new bathroom policy, is what I'm saying.''
''Huh? What are you talking about?''
The shark looks at her through the little window that separates the cabin from the truck`s bed, with a puzzled look on his face.
''I needed to use your bathroom, on the count of mine being covered in turkey, and I noticed that you didn´t flush.
Look, I get it, everything that we flush ends up in the sea, but if you´re gonna institute a ´´No flushing when it´s pee´´ policy, I would like to get a heads up first.''
Shark thinks for a second and then says.
''I didn´t flush cause I was busy getting the devil turkey of your ass boo, and I would do it again.''
''Aw, my baby shark is so sweet.''
Louise pokes her face through the open back window and smooches her baby shark.
''Yes, I am. Mmmm, that's nice.
Okay, you got the address loaded on the G.P.S, right babe?''
Louise confirms before starting the truck.
''Yup.''
''Okay, then we´re off.''
As the truck starts pulling out of the driveway, Linus shouts.
''Wait! hang on!''
Then he starts rolling down his window.
''What now?''
Louise asks wearily.
''I just need to...''
Linus takes something out of his pocket with his free hand. While holding Louise`s thermos between his knees, he reaches his arm out, points it towards his car, and then...the car alarm beeps into life.
''You´re the worst. The absolute worst.''
Louise assures him while revving up her truck.
It's early Friday morning, and the sun has just started to come out.
The faded blue pick-up truck pulls into the driveway. First, it comes to a stop in front of the house, only to have the motor come back to life a moment after, and then makes its way to the back of the house, where Louise parks it near the back door.
She steps out of the cabin while holding what looks like a tin foil swan in her hands.
Then, she stretches, holding the metal bird over her head.
She and the guys ended up spending the night at Killer Croc's.
After all the partying they had done the previous day, she needed to sleep it off before getting behind the while.
It kills her to admit it, but boy can that overfed gekko cook.
Against all odds, they actually had a great time the four of them at Croc's place.
behind her, she can hear her truck groan, indicating that King Shark is getting out of it.
She looks over her shoulder, and at Sharky just as he's opening his maw like a Pez dispenser to yawn.
He can't really stretch, because as he's making his way towards their house, he carries a fast asleep Linus in his arms.
Meanwhile, Linus is cradling a bottle of Jager close to his chest and starts to stir in his sleep when he can't get the bottle to his lips right away.
King Shark bounces him in his arms, and Linus settles down. The shark halfway suppresses another yawn, before reminding Louise:
''Babe, remember I gave you back the keys.''
''Yup.''
Louise confirms while patting her pockets with one hand looking for the house keys. Suddenly, she gasps and drops the tin foil bird to the ground.
''Son of a bitch!''
King Shark whips his head in the same direction Louise is looking at, only to see, about forty feet away and perched on a tree stump used to chop wood, a fat ass turkey is staring back at them.
Louise clenches her fists and starts making her way towards the bird, all sleep gone from her.
But before she can reach him, King Shark steps in. Still cradling Linus in his arms, he tells her:
''Stand down babe.''
''What?! Are you freaking kidding me?!''
Louise can't believe what she's hearing.
Linus stirs again in his sleep at hearing her shouting, and King Shark shushes him while bouncing him.
His eyes meet the turkeys, and they hold each other's gaze for a good twenty seconds.
Then the bird flaps his wings while gobble-gobbling and the shark nods in return.
''He's a worthy opponent. He fought good. He earned his life and his freedom. Go in peace devil bird.''
Louise stares at the shark, then at the turkey, and then again at King Shark.
''Uugh, fine. Whatever. I'm too tired for this.
Hey, I think you should leave Linus on the back of the pick-up.''
She tells the shark.
''Oh, c'mon, don't be like that. He's like a baby. A big, drunken, stupid baby.''
The shark pleads with her as he looks down at the drooling Linus in his arms, with a hint of tenders in his eyes.
''Ok, fine. He can sleep on the couch. But, if I wake up and find that he's crawled into bed with us, I'm gonna lose my shit.''
Louise warns her shark.
''Fair enough.''
