[A/N: As promised, two chapters in two days. Here's some after moments of how 7x13 affected Upstead and thoughts from Jay. This season has definitely been consistently harsh, but boy does it make the characters shine. Hope you enjoy and thanks for all the love!]
Jay follows Hailey into her place after an incredibly rough few hours and week. They had all just left the hospital after finding out Kim lost the baby. They had stayed for as long as they could without it becoming weird, wanting to give Kim and Adam their space and time alone to grieve. The remainder of the team along with Hank and Trudy debated going out for a drink to mourn the tough week together, but everyone decided they just wanted to process it on their own. Vanessa was going to meet up with one of her old coworkers from Gangs, so since Hailey and Jay were practically one anyway, that led them to choosing Hailey's residence to unwind.
It had been a while since the two of them had spent extended time together here, opting to go to a bar or on occasion Jay's place since Vanessa had moved in. It was like nothing had changed though, Hailey grabbed her whiskey as Jay grabbed them two glasses and they walked to her living room in sync. Hailey poured them both a little more than a shot and she quickly downed it. He knows she's been having a rough-go mentally these past few months, even though she's doing her best to hide it, and this week surely hadn't helped. He wishes he could wrap her in his arms forever and take her pain away. But they're not there yet, and that pains Jay these days more than anything. After his near-death experience the only thing he wishes for is for him and Hailey to finally be truly honest with each other about their feelings, yet they never seem to get there fully.
After Hailey starts to down her second glass, Jay decides to intervene. "Slow down there, slugger. I promise the whiskey won't get cold."
She rolls her eyes, but smirks at his corny joke. He's completely pleased at himself for easing her pain albeit however briefly. He smirks back at her before taking a big gulp himself, feeling the burn go down his esophagus and welcoming the numbness it's causing.
"It's been a hell of a week, huh?" she finally says softly.
"Yeah…" he agrees, staring into her eyes as they fall into amicable silence for another few minutes.
"I feel so bad for Kim… and Adam. I can't imagine what they're going through right now. They were both so happy..." She says drifting off.
"Yeah. It's gotta be rough. You love something that you never had so much, only for it to be taken away from you before you ever had it…" he responds, not realizing the loaded meaning of his words until they're out of his mouth. Their eyes bore into the other, the tension palpable until Jay decides to break it for both their sakes; emotions are high as is.
"The one solace though is how many lives Kim saved while pursuing this case, even until the very end."
"Yeah, but at what cost? What's the point of us doing all this good if it just ends up destroying us? Maybe none of us will ever be happy because we have to pay for every wrong we've done to cause a right." She responds sadly, gulping down the remainder of her glass before running her hand through her hair and leaning back into the cushions as if in defeat.
Jay sees the tears that's she's trying to keep at bay well in her eyes and watches her bite her lip to attempt control of her emotions. His heart breaks for the second time tonight. He would forsake his happiness for hers in a heartbeat… realizing there's some existential irony in that thought given the fact that she's his happiness.
"Hey, hey…" he says gently as he grabs the empty glass from her hand and puts it on her coffee table before putting his arm around her shoulder and pulling her close. Ever since he got shot, they've been more open with touching the other, but still very guarded in doing so. This moment feels right and needed though and it takes only a second before Jay feels Hailey's tension at their closeness ease as she melts into him. They both need this more than they know.
"Don't talk like that, okay? You do so much good, Hailey, so much! If anyone deserves happiness it's you. As does Kim, and Adam. Life can be cruel sometimes, but it doesn't mean we're being punished, ok? A wise person once told me, 'you can't keep blaming yourself.'"
She nods into his chest, but stays quiet for a while. He waits for her until she's ready. He'll always wait for her. She finally continues while her head still rests against him. Her voice vibrating his collarbone and he has to fight the shiver that runs though his body.
"Y'know, Voight called me out the night Darius was killed. He was clearly worried I wouldn't feel any remorse. I'm starting to think he might have been right. He told me if I didn't turn that part off, it would eat me alive. He asked me if I knew what kept him awake at night- nothing. And the truth is, I'm there. Anything that keeps me awake at night, and there's plenty, has nothing to do with my involvement with Darius. That's scary, Jay. We're supposed to be the good guys…"
Jay sighs and wraps his arms a little tighter around her. He hates that she's feeling this way, but is ecstatic she's finally opening up to him about this. He knows it's been plaguing her.
"We are, Hailey, you are! Darius was a bad guy who got what was coming to him. There's a lot of grey in what we do… and honestly, at the end of the day there's no true good or bad. Every human is capable of bad things… what matters is that we spend our lives doing more good than bad. Darius spent his life preying on those who had less than him, doing horrible things while under a ruse that he was trying to help them. But all he did was rise himself up while he kept them down, making sure the tables would never turn. Maybe he didn't deserve to die, maybe that's not for any of us to decide… but don't for one second think that you're on the same level as he was. I see you, Hailey, every day, all you do is help people and care genuinely, even if it's the littlest thing. You help those you don't know. You help everyone around you. You help me even when I don't deserve it. You ARE a good person… whatever the meaning of that really is. One wrongdoing will never take that away from you, hell a million wrongdoings won't. You're the best person I know. Please, don't ever forget that!"
He feels her tears wet his neck and she's silent for what feels like agonizingly long. He's scared he's said the wrong things and made her more upset, but then he feels her smile form against him. She finally pulls back a little to look at him and he swears if love had a visual definition it would be that.
"You know Halstead, you've become quite the sap since you got shot."
She teases him and they both start to laugh, easing the tension and volume of the moment. It felt good. Neither of them were dumb enough to believe their emotional distresses were over… She wasn't healed yet. And neither was he. But eventually they'd get there, and they'd find their way together…
