The next morning.
All the cavemen stand side-by-side at a nearby stream, all taking a piss. The air is filled with the sounds of piss streams hitting the water and all the cavemen uttering long sounds of relief.
"AAAGGGGGHHHHH!"
Pee streams trickle to a stop, with some suddenly shooting back out.
"Hey - eyes up front, Thag," Bill complains to one caveman next to him.
Next scene: Everytbody is in the cave.
"Dave, we've finished preparing the new skins and need to take them down to the athing stream for cleaning. Permission to go?" asks Lisa.
"Granted. Take Catherin with you, but leave Beth; Milos says he'll need some help gathering spices and medicinal herbs."
"I'll let Beth know," says Lisa.
"Got it!" Beth yells out from further in the cave.
"Stop ease dropping, Beth," says Lisa back.
"Can't hear you!"
"Now she can't hear me."
"Oh, I'm sure Bill will fill her in on anything she missed later. And he's smart enough not to say anything."
"You know, Dave, I gotta know: Why do you always promise me for non-reproductive encounters? Why can't you trade Beth of Catherine for once?"
"Well, it's not for a lack of trying. Because of Beth's freakish un-natural red hair, they all think she's a fire god and will kill them in their sleep. And because Catherine's skin looks like the color of mmud and, well, poop, they think either something is wrong with her or she's a death of pestulance god."
"Who thinks that?" asks Lisa.
"Toothless Thag around the mountain curve," Dave motions to a side.
"Why would he say that? Catherine's been with us in the Criterion mountain for many annual cycles now. That's just silly."
"Well, you know toothless Thag - he still believes in the underground gods."
"That's just crazy - everybody knows out un-seen and un-heard gods live in the sky," says Lisa.
"I know! Poor backwards Thag."
Beth circles around them, squinting her eyes and looking menacing while hissing and making her fingers looks like fire.
An hour or two later.
Mr. James sits on a stone, smacking a slab of mammouth meat with two rocks which are tied to the ends of a two sticks with pealed vines, one at a time.
"Boom ... boom ... boom ... bang ... bang ... bang... Pound your heat, gentlemen."
"Mr. James, I got to say you're my favorite slave driver ever. Way better than Dave's predacessor, Ed," says Joe.
"Aaawww, that's so sweet. Why thank you, Joe. Brings a tear to an old neandrethal's heart."
"Oh, no problem. You know, I've always thought of you like a-"
"Get back to work," Mr. James cuts Joe off.
"Tough but fair," Bill says to Joe.
About another hour or so later.
Dave is re-organizing the cave, as he does daily.
"Yo Dave," Joe comes walking over with a rock.
"Joe, is it another invention?"
"It could be."
"Why so many inventions lately? Used to be one or two every annual cycle."
"Yeah, well, that was before I had competition. That friggin' Korg dude keeps inventing things. Did you know last week his clan was at the endless salty lake and he invented this thing that makes it easier to move heavy objects? He calls it a fulcrum."
"Hum, moving heavy objects more easily would be good. What is a 'fulcrum'?"
"That's just it - it's a stick! A thick tree branch and he acts like he invented it."
"Brain envy?" says Dave.
"Pft - no. Check this out," he shows Dave the rock.
"The Garrelli 9?"
"No. I call it: Penacillon. I still got to run some more tests, but I'm pretty sure it cures some illness, like a cold."
"Joe," Dave says while leaning back straight from examining it, "that's mold."
"No, Penacillon."
"No, mold."
"But it-"
"Mold."
"-cures-"
"Joe - mold bad. Remember Ugar who used to live in the cave acrosss us?"
"Yeah. Cool dude."
"Died of mold."
"What ever, dude. I guess the wrold isn't ready for Penacillon yet."
"A world without more mold; however will we get over this loss?" Dave mocks Joe.
Later. Outside in the sun, Dave wipes the sweat from his forehead and then continues pounding the sleeping furs with a club. Beth walks outside.
"Dave, can I get you anything before Milos and I go?"
"I was going to say 'coffee', but I have no idea what the hell that is."
"What's 'hell'?"
"I don't know," Dave throws his arms up in frustration, "I-I think the cave is starting to get to me."
"I don't know if I want to reproduce with you anymore, Dave."
"Beth, that's crazy talk. You now as the dominant male around here I have to impregnate as many females as possible to ensure the survival of our people. I assure you, I get no pleasure out of it. Well, I mean, aside from the obvious."
"I don't know if we need a bunch of little neandrethals running around who get confused just by being in a cave," says Beth.
"Beth, don't make me have to club you again. It reflects poorly upon my alpha male status when I have to forcefully take you."
"Just for once I'd like for it to be romantic, Dave."
"Milos can be romantic," says Milos who has wandered over.
"Back in the save, Milos," says Beth.
"Beth, you know very well that Lisa is my prefered neandrethal barer. Besides, two minutes, three minutes top - that's not exactly much time for romance. Maybe you'd like Joe to do his mating cry and bang some rocks together."
"Oh, Dave, I just have dreams. Some days I look up into the sky and envision a future where we make men flirt with us, ask us out, eat some place other than the cave, and give him amply oppritunity to say or do the wrong thing so I won't reproduce with him. Even though the outcome is all that really matters."
Dave laughs, "Heh - eat outside the cave? Why would we do that? Outside is where the competition, heat, and the huge flies are. Think about it, Beth: If we didn't forcefully take out women and instead expended valuable time and energy romancing, neandrethals would go exstinct. Do you want that to happen, Beth?"
"No."
"Good. Then next time don't make me club you. And by the way, what's so bad about my seed anyway? Look at the competition in the cave: Matthew looks like a back-cave neandrethal, Joe wants to kill you and your babies with mold, Bill clubs in advance and when your back is turned, and Mr. James' seed often won't wake up and forgets the way out of his little cave."
"I guess you're right."
"Of course I am. That's why Mr. James chose me to run the cave. So, if you had a couple of my babies, what would you name them?"
"Oh, I was thinking something like Moonbeam or Skysmoke."
"Moonbeam? Skysmoke? BEth, I think you have cave delirioum. What about 'Thag'?"
"Thag is so yesterday, Dave."
"Many many many yesterdays. What exactly is wrong with Thag anyway? My father's name was Thag, and coincidentally, so was my mother's."
"Well, Dave, maybe Moonbeam is the new Thag. Milos, let's go," she walks off.
"No, it's not!" he sees Milos walk by, "Right?"
"Milos has no opinion."
Dave shakes his head and continues smacking a fur skin.
"Moonbeam..." he grumbles and smacks it harder.
Matthew stops at the edge of the cave, "Dave, you want me to go ahead and close off the cave now?"
"Are we all inside the cave right now?"
"Ahhh," he looks inside, "no."
"Than no," Dave says in frustration.
"Ah, got-cha. Again, total honor," MAtthew retreats back into the cave.
Dave starts macking the furs faster.
Some time passes. The sun is now getting very low. Beth and Milos return with small animal-skin pouches filled with spices and medicinal herbs.
"DaveDaveDaveDaveDave," Beth says excitedly, bouncing about.
"Oh, BethBethBeth. Did you find another rock that looks like it has a face on it and you thought you heard it talk but it turned out to be your stomach growling?"
"hummm, that was an awful lot of words in a row; I don't like the tone of the way you said it."
"Sorry, I'll re-phrase that. So, Beth, did you find anything of any relevance to our daily lives?"
"Yes!"
"Okay, I'll be temporarily optimistic. What is it?"
"Flowers! Weird new plants! Water as clear and as blue as the sky on a bright Spring day! A stream that nobody has ever bathed in!"
"Beth, I don't think you understood what I said."
"Water that nobody's ever cleaned off in? I don't know if I could rink that; wouldn't taste the same," Mr. James chimes in.
"Dave, we have to go there!" Beth says excitedly.
"Eeehhh ... is it far off?"
Beth pouts her lips and looks sad, "Yes," then she shoots back uo to full-on Beth, "It's a cycle walk from here, but the Croods went there and ended up spending the night; no predators, plenty of food."
"Now, Beth, there are plenty of things that need to be done here daily; think about it: could we leave Matthew alone for two cycles?"
"Hey, maybe I could come along just this once," Matthew says in an upbeat voice.
After about hald a second of silence, eberybody in the cave laughts at Matthew.
"What's so funny?" asks Matthew.
"Besides, tonight is Lisa's first non-reproductive encounter with Korg," says Dave.
A large sabertooth tiger bone flies across the room and smacks Dave.
"Dave, could you reconsider it? Pretty please," says Beth.
"Okay," DAve then pauses for a three seconds and then says, "No."
Beth then does little hippity-hop steps toward Jimmy, "Mr. James."
"Now Beth..."
"You own the cave, couldn't you over rule Dave?"
"I put Dave in charge. Unless I just gotta over rule him, what he says goes."
"Thank you, Mr. James. Now, there's only about an hour of sun light left, so Joe..." he looks around for Joe.
"Right here, Dave."
Dave jolts around, "But I just looked ... huh. Joe, could you help carry some mammouth and escort Lisa to Korg's cave?
"Sure."
"Dave, I got it," says Lisa.
Dave turns about and Lisa stands there with two large slabs over her shoulders.
"Yes, you are oddly freakishly strong for your size, but as my neandrethal-baring female-of-preference I want you to safely come and go and not be clubbed and taken by another alpha male."
"Fine," she walks with Joe to the cave entrance.
"Thank you."
Joe picks up his unique-looking club nearby the cave entrance, leaning against the cave wall.
"Joe, why the club? We're only going around the mountain."
"Lisa, never ever ever ever ever leave your cave without your club. No self-respecting caveman would be caught dead without it. Plus I kinda like you; help keep things going around here."
"Thanks, Joe."
"Wanna do it later?"
"No, Joe."
"IT was worth a shot. Still like you though," he says as they walk out the cave.
