OH MY GODS

DISCLAINER: The characters mentioned within the following tale still do not belong to me...Dammit!


From her perch on one of her bedroom's cushioned window seats, Five-year-old Norah Locksley studies her grumpy redheaded cousin with a keen circumspect rarely seen in one so young. Hopefully, she offers, "Do you want to go outside?"

Six-year-old Eliana, daughter of the Dark Lord and the Wicked Witch of the West, scowls as she flops down on Norah's antique sleigh bed with disinterest. "You always ask me that. I don't like outside. What's so great about outside?"

"Lots of things." Norah declares eagerly. "We can climb trees; we can look for animals – or bugs. We can even pick apples."

Norah isn't the least bit surprised when her cousin suddenly sits up and shrivels into an upright fetal position, protecting herself by drawing her knees up to her chest and tucking the toes of her shiny patent leather shoes beneath the hem of her skirt as though it's just been announced that there are actually bugs in the room with them. Norah doesn't wait for Eliana to object with a scowl or even a squeal of protest. Instead, she quickly offers, "We can watch Ember play with Big John. They might like that. He is her dad."

Eliana rolls her eyes and scratches her gangly nine-week-old puppy behind the ears. "I know that."

With the enormous feet and frame of her mastiff sire, but the thick coat and solemn expression of her English setter mother, the sweet-tempered pup is usually viewed with an air of mild surprise and curiosity. Now, wary of the peevish tone in the child's voice and the tantrum that she already knows often follows this tone, Ember lifts her fuzzy head off the bed and studies her young mistress with concern.

"See." Norah takes this for proof. "She wants to go play with her dad."

"She already did – and anyway, I don't want to go outside again. I don't see why John can't come inside with us."

"His name is Big John."

"His name is silly. I don't know what was wrong with Cerberus."

"He's Ro's dog now. We told you, remember? He followed Mama and Daddy around in the underworld. Mama did magic on him because he kept trying to eat everybody. She made him not so big anymore…"

Eliana sighs. "I know, I know. And your dad was afraid he was too little to stay there anymore. He was afraid that he might get hurt. So, they brought him home and now he's Roland's dog. I'm just saying he didn't have to change his name."

"Uh-huh! He's Roland's dog now, and Roland can name his dog anything he wants. Mama said so!"

"Geez! Don't yell! Just 'cause Aunt Regina says something doesn't mean it's the law, you know?"

"You wanna go downstairs and tell her that, Elia?"

The redhead's naturally pale skin blanches further still at the prospect and she shakes her head fervently. "No thank you."

"Okay then. His name is Big John - even if you think it is silly." Norah sticks her tongue out in a 'so there' fashion.

"Fine! Why can't Big John come inside with us?"

"Mama says he's too big for inside. He's an outside dog. Mama says one day Ember will be too big to come inside too."

Eliana looks absolutely stricken at the thought. "You mean one day she's going to make Ember go outside and stay in that… that… that DOGHOUSE?"

Norah squints. "It's not so bad. Big John likes his house. It's big enough for ten of me. 'least that's what Henry says. He laughed at Mama when she bought that gi-normous doghouse home and put it in the backyard. He calls it the royal garrison. It has room for Big John, his great big squishy dog bed, his water, and his dinner bowls. He even has half of his toys piled up in there with him, and there is still some room left over. I bet you, there's enough room for Ember to get in there with him. At least for now. When she gets as big as him… Well, maybe not then. But he likes her. I think he will share his fort with her."

"It is not that big… Is it?"

Norah shrugs even as she nods. "It's pretty big!"

Eliana wrinkles her nose as she thinks. "Mum did say it was awfully big for just one dog. Why do you think your mum bought one so big as that?

"Mama grouches a lot about Big John. Especially if he pees on her flowers or digs holes in the backyard… but I think she really loves him. She calls him a big oaf, but she usually rubs his ears when she says it. She tells us not to feed him people-food, but last night we had a roast for supper. and I saw her sneak a big piece and cut it up before she put it in with his dog food."

Eliana giggles conspiratorially. "She did?"

Norah nods. "Just don't ask her. She'll only tell you that he's a brainless lump who's a slave to basic instinct"

Eliana scowls. "Huh? What's that supposed to mean?"

Norah shrugs. "I don't know. Wanna go ask Papa. He will tell us."

Eliana shakes her head. "Maybe later. You want to go get a snack?"

"We already had a snack."

"Only yogurt. That's not a snack. That's just a tease. You got any candy?"

"You ate all my candy the last time you were here."

"I only ate four pieces."

"Well… That's all I had. Maybe Daddy will sneak me some jellybeans on his way home from the Lucky Feather."

"We can go over to my house and get some."

"We can't go to your house without a grownup."

"We can if we use magic."

"Eli-annnnnna!" Norah hisses quietly and rushes to close her bedroom door.

"What?"

"We cannot do that!"

"Sure, we can. It's easy."

"The last time we did that, Mama wouldn't let me go outside for five whole days!"

"Big deal! Who wants to go outside anyway? It's hot… and there are bugs."

"I like sunshine… And bugs."

"I wish my parents would come home. Daddy's always in the underworld. Mum's always either taking care of my stupid little brother or she's gone to Olympus so she can take a break from taking care of him. She takes him up there so the rest of the family can fuss over him. They all think he's… 'just the sweetest thing ever.' The kindergartner mimics her Aunt Aphrodite in a syrupy tone of voice and then pretends to gag."

"Well, you're stuck here for tonight."

"Yeah… With no candy."

Trying to soothe her cousin's obviously ruffled feathers, Norah raises an eyebrow and wrinkles her nose in thought. "Maybe we can think of a way to make your parents come home."

"I vote for magic."

"Elia, you always vote for magic."

Eliana shrugs. "Well Norah, how else am I supposed to make the God of the Underworld and the Wicked Witch do what I want them to do?"

"You could try asking them."

Eliana shakes her head. "That use to work. Not anymore. Not since their precious little hot head was born. He steals my toys and my snacks, and they don't even care – they didn't even yell at him when he set my princess canopy on fire."

"They did fix it. It looks just like it did before. And anyway, he is kind of cute when he yells 'fire' and then falls over laughing when his head lights up."

Eliana groans. "Not you too! How come everybody thinks he's so cute when he catches things on fire? It's not funny. You should try having him for a brother!"

"Hey, I already have two."

"Big deal! Neither one of them has set your bedroom on fire by shooting flames from the top of their heads!"

"No, my brothers don't catch fire, but they're still a pain sometimes Henry is in love with his new motorcycle. If he's not riding it, he's washing it. If he's not washing it, he's polishing it. Even his girlfriend got mad at him last week because he would rather ride his motorcycle than go to the movies with her. He was so busy messing with his new bike, he forgot he was supposed to take me to get registered for school. Mama got really mad at him. Then nobody in the house was happy. And last weekend, Roland tried to use my doll, Isabella, for target practice. He almost shot her with an arrow! And, Mama won't use magic to fix stuff like that. She just tells Roland, 'You broke it, you're responsible for fixing it."

Eliana's blue eyes go wide. "I would turn him into a lizard if he did that to Becca!"

Norah shrugs and shakes her head. "It wouldn't do any good. I turned Roland into a teddy bear once. Daddy begged me to change him back. I was mad because he wanted to go play with his friends instead of me, but it was no fun making Daddy sad. I didn't mean to do that."

Eliana smiles. "Maybe we can make Theo disappear."

"You're not listening. Besides, you already used magic to drop him off at the fire station with that note that said he was for adoption. Your parents just went and got him back. Maybe, instead of trying to make him go away, you need to make your parents stay here."

"How? I already tried to use that broken wand that Mum has. It exploded and made a tiny little green tornado shatter all the windows in the front parlor."

Norah's mouth falls open. "Was she mad at you?"

"Yeah, but Daddy just laughed and said, "That's my girl."

"Maybe you shouldn't try to use any more wands for a little while."

"Maybe we can get an idea from Henry's storybook. Is he home?"

"Not right now."

Eliana sucks on the inside of her cheek with disappointment. "Then, his bedroom door is probably locked, right?"

"Yeah, but that doesn't matter. I can still get in. We just have to wait until Mama goes back to her office and Papa Henry falls asleep in his reading chair."