A coffee cup decorated with festive candy canes was waiting for her in the console of Booth's vehicle the next morning. She took an appreciative sip before glancing at her partner. He was feigning relaxation, but his hands were clenched around the steering wheel indicating he was anything but.
"What's wrong?" she asked. Reaching over, she placed a hand on his arm before pulling back again.
"Nothing," he said, before blowing out a breath and shaking his head. "Nothing you can fix," he said, forcing the edge out of his voice. "Nothing to do with you."
Brennan nodded, but when he didn't shift the SUV into drive, she folded her hands in her lap and waited patiently. "Sometimes," she offered, "it helps to talk about it. I'm here when you're ready."
Not having anyone to share his troubles with for a long time made it easy to fall back into old habits. Hannah knew very little of his life outside of the military. Sure, they'd lived in the same city for a time, but theirs had been a surface relationship only. Built around sex and fun times and not much else.
"I know, Bones." She'd always been there. If he'd been in trouble, a simple phone call would have brought her to his side. They fell silent, but he still didn't start the SUV. "I wish things had gone differently between us," he admitted. "But that's not what's bothering me. Or not all that's bothering me." The interior of the vehicle felt like their own little world. Outside, time moved around them, while inside they tried to figure out what their new normal was.
"Me too," she admitted softly, knowing he was bringing this up to avoid whatever had started his morning so poorly.
He turned toward her, eyes wide in surprise. "What part?" he asked.
"Do I wish had gone differently?" she asked. When he nodded, she drew in a fortifying breath. "There are a lot of things. I wish I'd been more honest with you when I left for Maluku."
Shifting in his seat to have a better view of her face, Booth considered her words. "You left to get away from the job, to get away from me." He wanted to tell her it was okay, that he'd understood. But it would have been a lie. "I wish I'd been more honest about that too. About you leaving. Or asked more questions." His gaze shifted to look out the windshield, but all he saw was that day at the airport. "We walked away from each other like it was nothing. And it was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I understood taking a break from the job."
"But not why I was leaving you," she said, hearing what he didn't say. "Why I left you since we had no contact during our time apart." This she could answer, though understanding had come far too late to change what happened. "I left to get away from my feelings for you. Which is irrational. No matter what your physical location is, feelings didn't change. I believed if I left, they would fade. You would move on like you were trying to do and our friendship would go back to what it was. For all my knowledge of science and evolution, I should know that you can't go back to the way something used to be." The disgust in her behavior was evident in her voice.
The widening of his eyes, as he continued to stare straight ahead, was his only reaction. Until he spoke. "What feelings?"
"Are we really doing this now? We were supposed to talk about what's really bothering you." She looked at his profile, tension still visible in his shoulders. "Since it's nothing to do with me, or not entirely to do with me, I would assume it has to do with Parker."
"Parker is okay." That she still knew him so well didn't surprise him. She'd always understood him better than most. "Yeah. I think we should. Talk about us. I think we need to," he said, scrubbing a hand over his face. "I think we need to say what needs to be said before we can put this behind us."
Sitting up straighter in the seat, she clenched her hands together. He wasn't wrong. It did need to occur. "There is something else I want to say."
He'd brought it up, so it wasn't his place to stop her now, despite the nerves. And she'd already said plenty. He waved a hand in front of him, indicating she should go ahead.
"I never said I didn't have feelings for you, Booth. They were scary, confusing and overwhelming, but they were there. Then you made that declaration and didn't even give me time to think about it before telling me you had to move on." She saw his jaw clench. "But what happened wasn't your fault."
Seeing him open his mouth to respond, she held out her hand. "Let me finish, please. Like you, I would like to move past this. I wasn't ready then. No matter what words you used." He still hadn't turned toward her, but she forged ahead. "I feel that sometimes you blame yourself for what you said that night. That you relive that moment, wishing you'd said different words. It wouldn't have mattered." The force behind those words caught his attention. "I wasn't ready, Booth. That's what I wish I would have said. I wasn't ready."
"So you needed time," Booth said softly, not sure if he was talking to her or himself. Time that he'd taken for himself in the months after his coma. Maybe he hadn't still been all the way back, even then. The man he was before his medical emergency knew that about his partner, and had warned other people about it. How had he forgotten?
Her eyes lost focus as she thought about her time in Maluku. "As time passed, I found myself alone. Except for Daisy, and while she was a good friend to me, she wasn't who I wanted by my side. I accepted I wanted close relationships, connections, even if forming them could result in eventual pain. That time away helped me realize what I wanted and what I didn't. It hurts me that I hurt you. But I wasn't ready," she repeated, her voice fading to a whisper.
At some point, he turned haunted eyes back toward her. "Why didn't you say anything? You could have said those words to me - I'm not ready - and I would have waited."
"For how long?" she asked him. "It wasn't fair to ask you to wait, Booth. At that time, I wasn't sure I'd ever be ready for what you were offering. Then, you were already dating and I really did need a break from our work. The Gravedigger trial, my friends going to France, you were moving on. I figured it was too late. So I had to move on too. But going to Maluku only strengthened my feelings. I was hoping we could talk when we met in person again. But," she shrugged, not needing to say the rest.
Head tilting back until it came to rest against the seat, Booth stared at the ceiling. But he'd come back with Hannah and they'd missed another opportunity.
She looked at him curiously, wondering what he was thinking. "Then you were single and we still weren't talking. I was afraid if something didn't change, it never would. I was afraid we were going to finish evolving away from each other. So I sent an email to see if I could change things. That's what happened yesterday, Booth. We missed each other on the steps of the Hoover and then when we returned to DC. I don't want to miss another chance."
He wouldn't get a better opening and if she could be brave enough to say all those things to him, then he could be brave too. "I should have given you time then. And if you want it now, it's yours."
Her head shook. "I don't need time, Booth. I took the time I needed."
"Then, I want to take you to dinner. To Christmas parties and dancing," he said, thinking of the calendar left in the center of his table. The one he'd shoved away in frustration. "Not as my partner. Well, not just my work partner. A date. I want to kiss you where everyone can see us and in private where no one sees." His voice grew more passionate the longer he spoke. "I've wanted that and more for so long."
She smiled, understanding the feeling. "I would like to go to dinners and dance with you," she admitted softly. "Not only as your partner. I don't know how this will work, Booth. But I am willing to try. I want to try."
Swallowing hard, one corner of his mouth lifted in a small smile. "So you'll date me?" he asked. "Go out on dates with me?"
Her brow furrowed. "Didn't I just tell you I'd like to go to dinners and dancing?"
"Yeah," he said, pulling a chuckle from a chest that felt too tight. "I'm sorry I didn't pick up the phone. I'm sorry for not understanding you needed time." Reaching out, he wrapped his arms around her. "This won't always be easy, Bones," he warned her. "But it will be amazing."
It was uncomfortable with the console between them but it didn't stop her from leaning toward him. Despite the enclosed space, she managed to end up with her head on his shoulder, his arms wrapped firmly around her. "I don't want it to be easy."
"I missed you," he whispered into her hair. "I know I told you yesterday, but there isn't one single thing about you that I haven't missed."
Her cheeks flushed in pleasure. When he pulled back and finally reached to start the vehicle, she put her hand out to stop him. "Are you ready to share what else was bothering you? About Parker."
He sighed and nodded, but started the car. Putting it in drive, he pulled away from her apartment. They were going to be even later to work than he planned. "Rebecca called this morning about Christmas plans. It's never as much time as I want, especially considering I didn't see him at all during the holiday last year."
"Did you come up with a fair solution?" she asked, wishing just once Rebecca would try to make things equitable. Booth was a wonderful father and Parker loved spending time with him. Did she always have to limit their time together?
"Yes, no, I don't know," he said, his frustration echoing through the car. "I'm not sure we settled anything. I will get him on Christmas this year, so at least that's something to look forward to."
He drove a couple blocks before talking again. "Today, I just want to spend time with you and not think about my problems with her. Two days ago I was trying to figure out an excuse to ask you to lunch. Or pick up the phone and call. Now you're in my car and we're going to buy some holiday decorations. Making plans for things like dinners and parties. I'd like to think about that right now."
"Okay. But if you need anything."
He shot her a grateful look. "I'll ask. Now, I know just the place to go to find you a plant or a candle. That is what you want, right? No Santas?"
"You're teasing me," she said. "I find it amusing that a man who worries about keeping me safe is comfortable with a stranger entering my apartment to leave me gifts." She smiled at him innocently when he took his eyes from the road long enough to glare at her. "I want something in my apartment that reminds me of Christmas because the holiday reminds me of you. It seemed like a simple request."
Booth's heart melted. What had looked to be another bleak holiday spent alone suddenly had the chance to be so much more. "Then we'll find exactly what you need to make this holiday spectacular."
She leaned back in the seat. "I think I've already found it."
