This is really just a bridge chapter until the fluff, as promised to Millie_Morris (finally!). Will definitely be nightmare and further trauma coming up tho, no way I'm going to let Olivia off easy…
Rafael's hands rested on the worn handles of Olivia's hospital-provided wheelchair as he watched Fin's car slowly advance towards where they were waiting at the hospital's side exit. Fin had stayed overnight the previous day, although Olivia spent most of the night under the influence of sleeping pills, and tonight she was free to go. Of course, she was advised to stay under medical observation for another day or two, but Olivia disregarded the advice as soon as the discharge papers became available for her signature. Nobody was surprised that Olivia took the first chance to ditch the uncomfortable beds and the hallways that constantly reeked of bleach. Adding to the dismay of both her nurses and friends, she only allowed the administration of less than half of the appropriate painkiller dose.
In fact, both decisions aggravated Rafael to the point where he forced her to make a compromise so that he could at least partially diminish the impact of her seemingly unwise thoughts.
The motivations, however, remained unclear to him. Olivia hated to admit it, but she could not deny that a large part of her insistence to leave was a combination of shame and the trauma of the Lewis "incidents". Although Dr. Lindstrom praised her for her great progress in therapy, she knew that there were elements of her PTSD and trauma that still haunted her. At least while captive, the pain was somewhat abated by the fear of death, albeit still incredibly torturous. In the hospital afterward, however, Olivia felt lost. There was no longer that grand goal of survival, which helped her push through the pain, to achieve. There was no more adrenaline to ease her nerves and focus her mind, except when the flashbacks and nightmares shook the weakened woman to her core with visions of perceived threats. The walls, which were painted institutional-white, and the endless labyrinth of hallways made her time there seem never-ending. Hospitals had always had a negative connotation to the seasoned detective, as the victims she met there were often experiencing the worst night of their entire lives, but now there were new words associated with the hospital experience. Embarrassment. Shame. Pain. Once, she had to give a victim a preliminary interview in a room that was two-doors-down from the one she had occupied for over two weeks. She didn't make it through half of the questions.
However, her current situation was worse. There was an unspoken understanding in the precinct that Olivia never disclosed the whole truth about her time in the beach house, but this was different. She might have excluded the truth two years ago, but this time around she had deliberately lied and felt guilty about it. The soreness…down there… was a testament to the truth. She could still feel him in her, even though he was still in the ICU.
Olivia finally noticed that the car had stopped when the ambient noise of tire on asphalt had ceased, and Fin was patiently waiting for them to enter. She physically shook her head as if to shake out the negative thoughts, took a deep breath, and tried to steady her voice. "Let's get out of here."
Rafael moved swiftly to wrap his arms around her waist after she exited the seat far too quickly for her weakened body and shaky legs – she didn't know if her legs wobbled because of her half-medicated state or the events of the previous morning – to handle. Fin, who was watching from his position in the driver's seat, winced when she did. Rafael absentmindedly abandoned the wheelchair without returning it properly and helped her shuffle into the vehicle. A hot flash of pain, emanating from her abdomen – which she attempted to conceal unsuccessfully – briefly delayed the process although only momentarily.
When the best friends finally rested against the black leather of the back seat, Rafael released a pent-up sigh. Even though there was sure to be a long trek ahead, he took peace in the doctor's assurances that she was stable. At least medically. He knew better than to assume that she was injured only on the physical level and made a mental reminder to make sure the woman beside him had more frequently scheduled therapy sessions.
Olivia's face was a little banged up – the white butterfly stitches starkly contrasted her bruises and olive skin – which only worsened the guilt Rafael felt when he couldn't help but notice her stoic beauty.
Sensing that Rafael was looking at her, Olivia tensed up and turned to face the window. "I'm fine". She assumed that Fin's huff of amusement from the front of the car matched Rafael's doubtful look. "I'm serious, guys."
Fin rolled his eyes and quipped up while maintaining eye contact with the incredulously slow car in front of them. "If you are expecting anyone to believe that, then you shouldn't be."
Olivia glanced at her best friend to see if he shared Fin's sentiment. The fact that he was too busy studying her injuries to notice gave away the answer.
Before both men were hit with a barrage of meaningless reassurances, Barba partially donned his ADA demeanor and laid down the law. However, that didn't stop the Lieutenant from nonverbally disagreeing at every opportunity; even though she knew the truth. "No, you are not fine – Olivia, stop it. We both know it's a lie – and as part of our arrangement, I'm going to help you out a bit – Liv, you do need help – until we are both confident you can manage it by yourself."
"Rafa…" She noticed his microscopic wince at the use of this nickname because both knew she only used it in especially friendly or circumstances in which she needed something and was satisfied at its effect. As much as she hoped many times before that her Rafa would spend the night – these fantasies were often accompanied by a toy that buzzed – she had no desire for him to witness a breakdown. "Is this really necessary?"
He snapped his tongue a couple of times, in the same way Noah does when correcting an adult. "You know the deal, Liv. You insisted that you leave the hospital, but now it's your turn to fulfill your end of the bargain."
A genuine smile, although small, graced her tired face. "Did you just tisk tisk at me?" Her playful tone was laced with exhaustion but still induced a similar expression to invade Rafael's otherwise deeply concerned features. Fin grinned knowingly at their banter.
"Maybe," Rafael smirked briefly but became somber once more. "But this is serious. You agreed that you would let me take care of you – emotionally and physically – and that includes listening to the doctor's home-care orders."
"I… thanks." The meekness and acceptance in her voice were not expected by any of the passengers, the speaker included. Olivia knew she needed his help, but hell would freeze over before she would ever verbally concede any ground in the "I'm fine" argument.
A heavy sigh became audible before she had the chance to stop its escape. The thought of Barba staying at her apartment was not entirely undesirable, but the thought of an overnight visitor was intimidating. Her attempts to keep her resolve were successful so far, but this temporary facade would wear off eventually. The longer she tried to resist the cathartic release of a good cry because of the presence of her visitor, the more dramatic it would inevitably be. Sitting in the car, she still wore her original panties from the day before tomorrow when… it… happened. Olivia – even the drugged-out version – must have made sure that the nurses didn't remove them, and she is confident that the insistent Dr. Cameron has kept her clothes in an evidence bag somewhere. She is partially grateful for her wise control over the situation and partially filled with an urge to cry as the dried fluids become even more noticeable the more she thinks about them.
Olivia Benson almost never lets men ejaculate inside of her.
She corrects her own thoughts. I didn't let him.
Fin, who had been debating how and when to confront one of his closest friends, decided to make his move as the car slowed to a stop in front of her apartment building. "Barba, give us a sec?"
The ADA was not always easy to read, but both remaining occupants could tell he was displeased and impatient as he exited the vehicle and waited underneath the arched entryway of the building. He huffed and puffed as he did so, largely for show, and Olivia was surprised at how valued his possessiveness made her feel.
Understanding that Liv had a "friend" waiting for her, Fin got to the point. He contorted his body in a semi-uncomfortable position so that he faced her, which he hoped would help get his point across. "Let him take care of you, Liv."
There was a pause. "I just…" She couldn't find the right words. Lindstrom worked tirelessly to assuage any fears of being perceived as weak but building walls were almost instinct at this point and being vulnerable became unthinkable.
Aware of the current dilemma that was clogging the gears of her mind, Fin took over. "I know." With almost 17 years of working alongside Olivia, the seasoned detective was familiar with his fellow detective's response to trauma and knew better than to shrink her. Instead, he preferred the straightforward and call-it-how-it-is approach without any hint of the sugar-coating bullshit that they both loathed. "Look, Barba's concerned and scared. All of his fussing and micromanaging of the situation is just his way of dealing with…this. Let him do his thing."
"I will." The doubt on his face was obvious to her. "I promise that I'll try my best. Really, Fin, I will."
"Good. Because if I hear that you're givin' Barba a hard time… you know I don't back down from a challenge." The usually unreadable man couldn't help but feel ineffably relieved when the semblance of a playful grin emerged on her face. "One more thing…"
There was no audible response, but Olivia's inquisitive look gave him the nonverbal permission he needed to continue.
"You ever need somebody to talk to, we've got your back. Any time of day or night. And I know that Cap and Munch aren't here with us anymore, but the same goes for them. Plus…" He glanced to his left and right before lowering his voice, although the seclusion of their conversation didn't require either precaution. "You know I can keep a secret."
They both knew he was referring to his discretion with the Sealview incident, but the heavy topic didn't damper the incredibly grateful mood she was just put in. Olivia was beginning to choke up. "Thank You."
She paused, unwilling to make any eye contact, before continuing in a tone much quieter than before. "I have to go back tomorrow to get my hard cast. If… If I decide not to take Rafael, can you?" All her years at SVU, telling victim after victim to get a rape kit before it is too late, must have pounded the message in. Olivia only hoped that she would be brave enough to do it tomorrow, still half contemplating other options.
"Of course." He returned a soft smile at her referring to Barba by his first name but was a little confused about why the lawyer wouldn't go with her. He didn't show it, though. "Go on, baby girl. Loverboy is waiting."
Olivia made sure that he could see her dramatic eye roll before opening the door, which signaled Rafael to come over and help her down. Fin watched curiously – although an increasing sense of intrusion ruined any chances of a witty remark – as the lawyer placed one hand in hers to help her descend gently and his other hand found a home under her arm for support as they walked towards the entrance.
Despite the vastly different circumstances that all three encountered today – and the challenges that will inevitably arise for each – they all shared a common thought as both colleagues made their way to her apartment.
"Well… this is going to be interesting."
