Olivia pressed the ruler firmly into the zip-bloc bag as she ran the straight-edge over the plastic until it reached the green seal. The bag was sealed so tightly that she had no doubts that it might even be waterproof.

This was not the proper way for storing evidence and Olivia felt a keen sense of guilt because she knew it, but she couldn't stand to stay in that cursed underwear any longer. Getting the rape kit over with wasn't an option right now, either , as her mind needed a break from the darkness that had consumed the last 36 hours. She planned on also bagging her current pair in case any residual fluids were to appear later , just as a precaution. The dry gag at the thought that Joe's "fluids" were s till in her was involuntary.

Face to face with her marble countertops, her mind filled in for the lack of stimulation. Statics started to swim through her head, almost mockingly. Sperm cells can be detected in vaginal swabs up to 3 days, and in cervical swabs, up to 7. She had time, but not much. It was already the middle of the second day.

Olivia looked up at the bathroom mirror and remembered when she stood in this position just over two years ago. Her face was similarly marked by the red puffiness that accompanies her white-hot tears. At least this time, there were no scissors in sight and she sure wouldn't be cutting off any hair. Olivia was 48 now and felt much too old to wear that short hairstyle but also didn't want to let Joe control her life like Lewis did. Besides, she wouldn't cut any off even if she wanted to.

Rafa likes it this way.

Before she had any time to contemplate exactly why she thought of Rafael, her new phone – a temporary flip-phone provided by the NYPD until she got a real replacement – buzzed with ferocity. Olivia's reflexes and reaction time were uncharacteristically slow, so the small device almost vibrated itself off the countertop before she finally worked up the courage to answer it.

"Benson." Her tone was obviously laced with exhaustion and irritability, but she made very little effort to mask it.

"Hey, Liv. It's Amanda."

"Please don't tell me we caught another case." The following huff of frustration was audible through the phone's speaker.

"No, that's not it." The blonde detective was a little hurt that her boss only assumed she was calling because of a case but brushed it off quickly. It was likely that nobody else had checked in yet under fears of scaring her further into her shell, anyway. "I'm just checking in . Do you want me to take Noah for the night? "

"Oh ... um... not tonight. I think I'm going to stay in and relax with my little man. He comforts me, you know?"

"Yeah, I do." Both women, although their relationship had been rocky recently, were beginning to connect over the fact that both were mothers. Noah stayed for sleepovers at Amanda's house every once in a while , and Olivia took Jesse when the new mom needed a break. This new bond was smoothing over the fractured pieces of their relationship one at a time.

Silence on the other end of the line gave the younger woman the courage she needed to investigate a little more.

"Are you going back to therapy?" Amanda could almost tangibly feel the other woman's mood souring again.

Olivia didn't mention that she never stopped her weekly visits with Dr. Lindstrom. "I don't know."

That was a blatant lie, as Olivia did know. In fact, she had already made an emergency appointment at the request of the man currently waiting in her kitchen. But Amanda's comments from a year prior created an almost instant change in the proud woman's openness about therapy. Of course, she wasn't exactly welcoming of discussion regarding Lewis in the first place, but her mentions of therapy would be nonchalant and only had small tints of shame. Now, she never said anything. She pretended that she had someplace else to be. Someplace less embarrassing.

"I'm sorry for what I said. About needing someone to talk to."

"It's fine." Olivia felt a shot of warmth in her chest. The kind that people get when they are extremely ashamed, vulnerable, and want to curl into a ball.

"It's really not, Liv." Amanda took an audibly deep breath. "I was hurting. About Patton. And I tried to hide it for so long, I guess I was just an emotional powder keg that happened to blow up on you. Turns out, I need someone to talk to, too. "

"I said it's fine." Her throat pain made it come out much harsher than she had intended. Olivia meant to say it with sincerity – to pretend that she was, in fact, over it and to solace the obviously guilty woman at the other end of the line. Instead, it fell out of her mouth before she could stop it, the phrase dripping with venom. Olivia felt shame for her verbal reaction to Rollins, which honestly matched her feelings about the whole topic. She knew that the young woman was just trying to help, but it just made her feel even more vulnerable. And to be honest with herself, the mention of Rollins trying to hide what happened with Patton only further entrenched the reminder that Olivia needed to come clean eventually.

Silence.

"I'm sorry, Amanda. I didn't mean it to come out like that. I've been having some trouble speaking, and I tend to be short with people. It's just... hard. And I don't really like talking to people about things, as I'm sure you're aware. "

"It's okay. I understand." The blonde detective truly did understand. The Patton trial had caused her to lash out at many close friends, even when she was grateful for their help. "My offer with Noah still stands, though, in case you change your mind."

"I'll think on it. We might take him to the zoo soon, he's excited to see the new baby penguin." The adoration in her voice replaced the previously sour tone, and Amanda was grateful that she had managed to steer the call back in a positive direction.

"We?"

Olivia could almost see the playful grin on Amanda's face. "Yes, we. Rafael is staying over a little while."

The curious younger woman chuckled and did not attempt to hide it. "I see..."

She blushed. "The only thing I see is the pot calling the kettle black. And you can tell Carisi that too, since I'm sure he's somewhere in your apartment right now."

"Perhaps."

Olivia actually smiled a little bit. "Don't tell me anything, I need to have deniability."

Amanda redirected the conversation back to a more serious tone, to reassure Liv, even though she knew that her boss wasn't too concerned about it anyway . "We actually aren't together, Liv. He's just helping about a bit."

" I know, I'm just messing with you." The last sentence was invaded by the returning coarseness to Olivia's voice. She barely managed to choke out the last few words before coughing.

"Are you okay?"

The injured party tried to circumvent the uncomfortableness by whispering. "My throat. It acts up. Dryness. Bruises."

"It's okay, I have to go get Jesse now anyway." The infant cried on cue. "Just... I'm sure you already know this, and I'm sure I'll be the last one you want to talk to, but I've got your back."

"You too. And..." She raised her voice back to a normal level, although there was some scratchiness. "thank you."

"No problem."

Olivia pressed the small red button to end the call, a little ashamed that her voice betrayed her when their conversation was starting to go well. Recently, the relationship between the two women had improved – albeit slowly – and Olivia felt ready to go out and enjoy time with her son, a new sense of satisfaction helpi ng the process along.


"Was that Lieu?" The good-looking detective rocked his partner's baby, soothing the girl back to sleep against his chest as he sat down.

Amanda released a sigh and leaned back into the couch as he did. "Yeah. I think it went well. Eventually. Didn't have the best start, though. "

"She doing okay?" The concern in his voice was evident.

"There isn't really a way to tell with her, but I think Barba is helping."

"Barba?"

"He's staying over at her apartment for a little while."

Sonny's caring features turned into a wide grin, looking down at Jesse to hide his expression. "I see..."

"That's what I said! " She sat back up again, now fully engaged. "Do you think that they are together?"

He tried not to steal a glance at her cleavage when she leaned forward to discuss the main subject of office gossip. "I don't know. Maybe they are just friends but... definitely a little suspicious."

"Exactly. They spend so much time together. It's really only a matter of time."

"I hope so." He thought about his own relationship with his partner, in disbelief that Amanda didn't see the parallels . He spoke the next words softly, as not to disturb the baby, unaware if he was talking about himself or Olivia. "They both deserve to be happy."

The young man continued to console the infant, looking down at Jesse's content face every so often while he stole glances at his partner across the cushions.


Rafael didn't want to pry, or better yet, he didn't want to overwhelm her with his prying. He tried his best to mind his business when Olivia's voice started echoing through the bathroom door and was rather proud that he lasted a w ho p ping 2 minutes without asking after she finally came out. "Who was that?"

"Rollins."

Straight to the point, with no explanation. Despite the thought that the brevity could be attributed to her effort to minimize throat pain, her tone was brilliant in its finality. Clearly, she didn't want to elaborate, so he dropped the subject and refocused on his original task of cooking .

When they arrived in her apartment just under an hour ago, Olivia ignored the potential awkwardness by giving Noah her attention. Rafael stood – unsure what to do even though he had spent lots of time in her apartment before – and watched them interact with an unfamiliar emotional lens. He soon joined them in playing with the boy's large collection of toy cars, and he caught Olivia's eye periodically to nonverbally check if she was okay. When Noah said that he was hungry, Rafael took the initiative happily so that the exhausted woman wouldn't have to.

He was originally going to cook his favorite – special version of ropa vieja that his Abuela used to make for his birthday – but soon realized the dish would be too someone's childish palate. And of course, Noah wasn't too adventurous either. Opting to veto Liv's suggestions for chicken nuggets or Chinese – at which point Rafael took away her choosing privileges with a humorous chuckle – he instead chose to make quesadillas and a special rice recipe. The good kind, though, because deep down Rafael knew that this was kind of a test. A trial-run. To see if he really could play the role. Although he wasn't certain if he was proving it more to Olivia or to himself.

Rafael deposited the delicious-smelling meal onto plates for each of them, accompanied by the rice, but gave Olivia slightly smaller portions than him. He knew that she would most likely not have a normal appetite and didn't want to make her feel embarrassed by it. The weary man breathed a sigh – the type one makes when finally completing a task – and stopped to watch Olivia and Noah watch cartoons.

Olivia spent equal amounts of time watching Shaggy's shenanigans as she did to stop and adore Noah's reactions. She laughed when he did, cried when he did, and secretly loved when the small boy instinctively leaned into her when a scary part was shown on the excessively large screen. Olivia tried not to think about how Noah was purposely on her left side so that he wouldn't cause pain to her fractured ribs when he did this. She expelled those unwelcome thoughts by focusing on the villain's nefarious antics and tightening her embrace around the boy.

He couldn't help but chuckle a bit. Maybe she really is a child... What other 48-year-old woman watches Scooby-Doo with interest? The thought made him laugh out loud a little until he thought that maybe she was just living out the childhood she never had.

Damn it. This job is ruining me .

The thought couldn't be further from the truth, but the lawyer was too focused on the domestic scene in front of him. Suddenly the wavy brown locks turned to face the kitchen. "What's so funny over there, counselor?" She used his title-turned-pet- name, and he loved every syllable of it.

"Nothing, Lieu ." The impression of Carisi was spot on, and she smiled. He lightly placed two plates of the prepared plates on the breakfast bar so that both Bensons could sit while his own plate rested on the countertop in front of him.

The reason why he didn't put them on the coffee table and eat in front of the TV was only a mystery at the surface level. He inwardly knew that he wanted to prevent any distractions from their light hearted conversation. He wanted to talk with them, not watch TV. He wanted to be part of their routine.

He wanted to be part of their family.

Instant shame spread throughout his chest, but Noah was busy describing the faults of another preschooler while Olivia was intently listening, so they didn't notice his downcast gaze. He swore he wouldn't use her vulnerability to start their budding relationship but was partially absolved when he realized that this path was inevitable for them, anyway. W hy not be here for Olivia? Besides, he was sure that nothing was going to happen and had high faith in his abilities to determine whether he was truly taking advantage , so he resumed participation in lunch with the Bensons.

Olivia's voice was unfortunately out of order for a while, perhaps she was saving some talking for later, so Noah and Rafael had some time to form a comfort level in between bites.

She only stopped the lively interaction when Noah asked "Mista Baba" if he could " a'rest Timmy. Cuz he not pick up da red blocks today" and the lawyer responded with, "I'm not sure, little man. But that's one hell of a way to get my name in the papers."

Her humored and dramatically pseudo-shock ed expression told him that she meant to say, "Barba! Language! "

Eventually, Rafael was able to take their plates and gently put them in the sink with his cooking materials – he reminded himself to do the dishes – while Olivia listened to her son.

He finally made a proposition when there was a break in Noah's half-insensible babbling. " Does anyone want ice cream ? I think I have some . " He winked at Noah.

Her grin was mischievous, but he noticed the coarseness of her voice . "Are you offering me my own ice cream? From my own freezer? That I bought with my own money? And claiming it's yours?" Olivia was satisfied in her decision to draw out the comment for effect rather than succumb to the uncomfortableness emanating from her throat.

"Objection. Irrelevant." He playfully made a dramatic scoffing motion. "Do you want ice cream or not?"

They both looked over at Noah, who ate more of Rafael's quesadillas than he did turkey on Thanksgiving. His mother would be lucky to get him into his bed for a nap before he drifted off into a food coma.

Olivia could barely contain her laughter – at her own joke no less, which somehow made it funnier for Rafael to witness – as she choked out her own unreasonably obsequious impression of her favorite young detective. "I don't think that's a good idea at the moment, sir ."

Rafael roared with genuine laughter , his face scrunching up, while Olivia admired the scene. Perhaps it was the hilarity of Carisi's admission, or perhaps it was the extreme darkness of recent events that made both colleagues desperate for emotional relief. Either way, Olivia had never seen her best friend like this.

She had heard him laugh before, but it wasn't ever nearly as hearty as it was right now; when he was red-in-the-face with laughter in her kitchen over a joke that wasn't even really that funny to begin with.

She had tasted his cooking before, but it wasn't ever nearly as thoughtful as it was right now; she could almost taste that he had tediously measured each ingredient precisely.

She had seen him interact with Noah before, but it wasn't nearly as caring as it was right now; she had remembered the conversation when he had dramatically played along in a discussion about preschool gossip , and Noah's loud laughter.

The domesticity of the moment was interrupted when Rafael – after he had put Noah down for his nap – began to tidy the kitchen and moved the chopping knife across the kitchen and into the sink . The movement was brief, but that's all it took. She no longer saw Rafael Barba holding the knife he had just used to cut the tomatoes. She saw something else entirely, something that put drove a sense of fear straight into her heart as if it was the stake one would use to kill a vampire . It reminded her of Lewis and her scars. It reminded her of Utley and the soreness between her legs. It reminded her of the pain in her throat and hands and neck and ribs and abdomen and –

"Liv? " She felt her body be shaken, and she reflexively pulled away. "Liv? Can you hear me?"

Her brain was confused but intelligent. When breathing became difficult, it knew that nothing else mattered. She could hear him, but she couldn't speak. She could barely even process what he was saying, let alone respond. The only thing that mattered was oxygen and only one thought ran through her mind.

I can't breathe.

The similarities between this moment and the one less than two days ago were strikingly powerful. She felt a rush of air but was unaware that she slipped off the chair, and felt a presence holding her but was unaware who it was. It felt like all of her nerves were dulled, like every physical feeling had been sanded down until she could barely comprehend them.

Rafael was struggling to hold her body up, so he gently lowered both of them to the floor. He was a strong man, but the immediate response to catch her resulted in an awkward position that was unsustainable. He put her hands above her head while she laid partially supine – as he had seen sports players do after getting the wind knocked out of them – as his mind raced on what to do. He figured that she must have passed out, given that she fell so quickly and her previous mumbling of "please don't" ceased as she very briefly lost consciousness .

When she finally calmed down enough to open her eyes, she saw herself in Rafael's arms, on the floor. She smelled his cologne and felt the softness of his shirt against the back of her neck while she tried to ground herself. Olivia let herself go slack as she caught her breath and partially relaxed her tensed muscles as Rafael stroked her hair the way she loved.

"It's okay, Liv. You're okay."

She couldn't respond verbally but shook her head in acknowledgement . He dropped the urge to take her to the hospital, sensing that he was perhaps overreacting but simultaneously not being able to shake the feeling of intense concern that he had never felt before. He felt an overwhelming amount of fear during the hostage situation, but this was different. Rafael could actually feel his body reacting to his emotions as his chest tightening with worry.

In a couple of minutes , she rose and headed for the bathroom on shaky legs .

Olivia ached for a shower. To wash any remnants of that disgusting man off of her. Out of her, too. But she didn't make it past the bathroom door frame before realizing that she couldn't shower. Not until she got the rape kit, anyway.

Olivia wanted to cry with frustration.

She dialed Fin's number quickly and furiously with tears in her eyes – which caused her to have to retype the numbers more than once – and she prayed that he would pick up. Luckily it was around noon, so he was surely awake.

"Liv?"

"Yeah." She couldn't quite admit the truth yet, though. "About that hard cast. I'm pushing the appointment up to today. Would you mind picking me up?" Her voice was filled with a sense of finality and spite.

If there was any way to get Olivia Benson to do something she didn't really want to, spite would do the trick and then some.

He briefly wondered how she could change the doctor's orders to wait a day but didn't hesitate to respond. " That's not a problem, baby girl. When should I come over?"

"Just meet me outside of my apartment as soon as you can." Before I change my mind.

Fin started to grow even more suspicious at the urgency of her voice but had faith that Olivia had a good reason. He also knew that Barba was staying with her, so he figured that she didn't want to say anything too sensitive over the phone right now. "I'll be there in ten minutes."

"Thank you." She started to choke up at the end of the sentence, not knowing if it was from shame about previous events , panic about future ones , or the knowledge that Fin just dropped whatever he was doing to come get her.

He sensed this. "Do you want me to stay on the phone?"

"No, it's okay. I have to get some things ready . I'll see you in ten."

Olivia was nervous but took comfort in the fact that getting the rape kit didn't necessarily mean she had to tell anybody. So, she replaced the tissues and years-old receipts in her purse with an extra pair of underwear, a hoodie for later, a bottle of ad hoc pain pills, and her anti-anxiety medication. She didn't answer Rafael's question about where she was going, she just told him to keep an eye on Noah. He was, at least, a little relieved that she chose to seek medical attention but was a little concerned about her reaction to the incident. Olivia's mind was too clouded to think of anything else than the immediate future.

This was happening.