The first part might be a little boring, but please stay until the part where she calls Rafael. It'll be worth it, I promise. It'll hopefully break your heart into little pieces.


In the car, they sat in silence.

Now the pseudo-siblings occupied two semi-cushioned chairs deep within the bowels of Mount Sinai. Olivia felt some guilt at making Fin take the long drive but the thought of going to Mercy was upsetting for a reason that Olivia didn't fully understand. Maybe she just didn't want to risk being recognized by the few and familiar forensic nurses that worked there. The waiting area – which was just three chairs pushed up against an outcrop in the wall – made her shiver with anticipation.

In the hospital, they sat in silence.

Olivia's mind races with half-incoherent thoughts that are largely interrupted by inordinate amounts of anxiety. The liminal space of the hallways is anything but comforting – instead, it seems to offer the trademark sense of suspense that corrupts the air inside any hospital. They are tucked away in some corner of the facility that is apparently rarely visited – both a comfort and a curse as Olivia is grateful for the lack of curious eyes but has no option to watch the passersby for distraction – as they await a nurse to take them both back to where the examination will occur.

Fin's mind is similarly bombarded, but he only had questions. Why are they here? What part of the hospital is this calm? What did Olivia say to the front desk nurse that he wasn't allowed to hear? Why isn't Olivia talking?

At the last thought, he looked over at the woman beside him. She was clutching the purse that rested in her lap, but her eyes looked around frantically from one object to the next. They searched both ends of the hallway for nurses, glanced at the silver watch, and rechecked the time by examining the obnoxiously large digital clock at the end of the corridor.

"What are you thinking about over there?" Fin figured that this was a much more acceptable question to Olivia than asking if she was okay.

She was thinking about many different things at once, everything swirling around like some perpetually moving and undecipherable abstract painting.

Olivia had trouble talking once more, but now it was caused by the sudden dryness of her throat. "Lots." Her answer barely made sense, but Fin was able to piece together what she meant.

He leaned in closer – but not too close – and lowered his voice. "Talk to me, Liv."

"I just..." Her voice started to crack. "I'm nervous."

Fin nodded in acknowledgement, the pretense that they were there for her broken wrist now fully disproven. "Can I ask you something?"

She nodded yes, but continued pretending to inspect the stitching of her closed purse.

"Why are we really here?"

Olivia initially responded with silence but thought that it might be cruel to let Fin's mind wander through all the possibilities. It was almost easier to just tell him directly, but she couldn't. "You know why." It came out as a whisper.

Fin didn't know what to say, but he felt instantly... deflated. He had his suspicions that something had happened but tried not to think of the horrid possibilities. Fin certainly wasn't going to make her say it, but he wished for confirmation. To be certain. To hear her admission. He wondered if she told Barba. But he knew better and sensed that she wanted to wait in silence for a little while longer. He obliged.

A couple of minutes later, a weary nurse made her way down the hallway and spotted the only two non-scrub-wearing people in sight. The woman was upbeat but not cheery, as she understood that her job involved helping patients who had just been through a traumatic ordeal.

The nurse glanced at her clipboard when she stopped in front of the pair. "Are you Olivia Benson?"

Olivia nodded. She had intended to give a false name at the intake desk – she usually used Margaret Cragen – but was so flustered after asking for the rape kit that she just defaulted and told the truth.

"Good morning, 'mam. My name is Octavia Butler, but you can call me Ava, and I'm a registered nurse here at Mount Sinai. Before we begin, do you have any questions that I should address before we get to the examination room?"

Olivia shook her head no, which was followed by Fin's brief explanations that they worked in Special Victims. She tried not to see the change in Ava's expression, even as momentary as it was, when the young professional began to understand the harsh irony of the situation.

Olivia and Fin both rose to follow Ava as she led both detectives down the hallway and into the examination room. She figured that the hospital had tucked away this area on purpose to ensure privacy, but the quiet stillness put Olivia on edge.

Olivia sat on the edge of the examination chair, a horrendously stiff contraption, while Ava slowly maneuvered throughout the room, taking out and labeling bags, combs, swabs, and envelopes. Despite the familiarity of these items, each one brought on a new sense of apprehension. Especially the swabs.

The usually confident and carefree older man didn't know what to do with himself as Olivia watched each item being brought and set out on the metal table beside her. He thought about sitting down but didn't want to appear out of reach. He didn't want to stand beside her, either, in case she wanted space or privacy.

Thin fingers subtly motioned for him to come closer – the movement so small that Fin figured she was ashamed to ask for help – and he quickly took his place next to the examination chair. He, too, was nervous – and felt guilty about it. Despite all his years at SVU, he had never made a habit of accompanying victims throughout this examination – they usually preferred a female, anyway – so he wasn't any more prepared to watch one of his closest friends endure the process.

Ava's voice shocked Olivia out of her spell with a slight jump.

"I understand that you were voluntarily discharged from Mercy this morning?"

Fin sensed her trepidation, which was limiting some of her talking abilities, and answered the fact for her. "About 4 hours ago. She went home for a bit."

Ava checked off a box before continuing.

"Now, is it okay if I call you Olivia, or would you prefer Ms. Benson" Ava suddenly remembered that her patient was NYPD. "... or...um..."

Fin came to the rescue once again, a little sharper this time since he knew how much Olivia didn't like to be called either name by strangers. "Lieutenant."

The young girl quickly recovered and resumed as before. "The good news is, Lieutenant, that your medical history records are on file from our partners at Mercy. Assuming that nothing has changed...", she looked at Olivia for confirmation, "then we can start the next round of questions."

Olivia nodded again, the familiar ache of anticipation resonating throughout her chest. Part of her, though, knew she would be relieved to tell somebody, especially Fin, her closely guarded secret.

"Have you engaged in any sexual activity in the past 48 hours?"

"No." Her voice was robotic.

"Now, for this next question, I'm going to need you to answer honestly. It will not impact anything else in this procedure except for determining if you need a toxicology screen. Were you – or do you believe that you might have been – under the influence of drugs or alcohol within the last 48 hours? This includes any recreational activity as well as anything connected to your assault. "

"No."

Ava's voice became slightly quieter, in a more comforting tone. "Did your assailant attempt vaginal intercourse?"

Olivia looked to Fin, then back down at her boots. She could only shake her head yes, forcing her muscles to obey before the cowardly part of her mind changed its decision. Tears began to well in her eyes, and Fin couldn't help but subconsciously look away out of respect for his coworker. His own throat began to choke up and he tried to prevent his own tears from falling as he thought about all the years he has worked beside this woman. All the times he's protected her, and especially all the times he failed to.

Ava checked a box. "Did your assailant attempt anal or oral penetration?"

"I was... unconscious for a bit. I..." She winced, trying to hold back any stray tears. "I don't think so."

The proud woman was still reeling from the monumental event that just occurred, even if the nurse didn't pick up on it. This was the first time she had ever acknowledged the rape, even if it was just a nonverbal head nod.

Ava had a few more questions about the assault, which were answered with short and robotic responses. Olivia tried her best to distance herself from the assault, almost talking about the experience in the third person. Time passed in a blink as Olivia barely remembered answering or her response to the questions. She must have contributed something, though, because Ava finished filling out the first form and slowly walked over to prepare the swabs.

"Wait."

Ava looked over at her patient.

"Can you..." Olivia barely managed to choke out words as her throat constricted in preparation for crying. "Can you take the pictures first? I want to do the swabs last."

"Some patients like to get the hard part over with, but the order doesn't make a difference if you'd like to change it."

"Please." Olivia hated the begging tone of her voice. She despised the implication that she was weak, and reminded herself that if she was truly weak, she wouldn't be getting the rape kit in the first place.

"No problem." Ava pushed back the small rolling stand that contained the long cotton swabs and their appropriate tubes, moving to fill the rather large camera with film. She would be taking both digital and polaroid pictures. "I am going to need you to undress, Lieutenant. You can change behind the curtain and hand me your clothes and change into the gown. I'll then sort them into–", Ava motioned to some white containers on the floor, "these bags."

"Dr. Cameron has my clothes from the day before." Her tone was wobbling on a dangerous cliff.

Ava was sincerely sorry for the woman in front of her, but tried not to show any pity. "We have those as well. I'm sorry, but its procedure."

Olivia didn't move. She couldn't. She was frozen in place, but not by a flashback or panic attack. Instead, it was the intense trepidation at getting undressed. At being that much more vulnerable.

Fin didn't touch her but did call her name softly to pull her out of the spell. She found comfort rather than frustration at his caring voice. "Hey, Liv, it's okay." He reached out, with extreme caution, to remove the stray lock of hair that had fallen in front of her eyes. "I have an idea."

She looked up at him, the clear tears glowing silvery as they reflected the brilliant overhead lights.

He continued, almost inaudibly. "I can call Barba for you." He expected the head shake he received in his response, but he elaborated. "You don't have to tell him anything. He doesn't even need to know where you are. Just talk to him, about anything."

"Fin... I don't think..."

"Trust me on this one, Liv."

Fin, who could read Liv like a book, was the first one to notice the early warning signs of her budding relationship with the counselor only months after he started working with SVU. He knew worked after-hours at each other's apartments, that they occasionally split meals, and saw that they never had to use words to exchange their thoughts on something. Although Fin knew they weren't together – the levels of suffocating sexual tension told him that they hadn't acted on anything yet – it was kind of hard to believe that everyone else only noticed their suspiciously close friendship in more recent times.

Fin knew that if a combined effort from himself and an unknowing Barba couldn't help Liv through this, it was practically impossible that anybody else could. Except maybe Sta – fuck that son of a bitch. Fin couldn't even think the man's name without becoming irate, so he resumed his original thoughts.

It was up to them, whether Barba was in on it or not. So, he insisted one more time.

She finally relented. He retrieved her purse from the far corner of the room and passed it to her with a look of encouragement.

First, however, Olivia practically threw the zip-bloc bag containing yesterday's underwear to Ava – pinching it only between two fingers as if it was poison – and searched for her temporary flip phone.

Olivia dialed the number with trepidation. She couldn't bear to let Rafael in on the secret, or at least not like this. The truth about her ordeal with Joe was purposely kept from him at least temporarily, and although Olivia felt guilty about that, she rationalized the betrayal. She knew that she wouldn't be able to get through the recovery without him, but it only happened yesterday, and Olivia's emotional wounds were still too tender.

When she tried to tell him this morning, knowing that she needed his help, her semi-irrational thoughts took over and she couldn't. She couldn't face him and tell him that NYPD's famous Olivia Benson was raped by some piece of shit off the side of the road. Besides, she could wait to tell him, but she couldn't wait to get the rape kit.

I don't want him to think I'm too weak. That I let him down. That I'm too damaged to be with... to do things...

Her destructive thoughts were cut short when he picked up. "Olivia?"

"Hey, Rafa." She winced at the way it fell from her lips like a squeak.

Rafael immediately sensed that something was wrong. "What's going on?"

"Nothing. I just..." She took a couple of deep breaths in quick succession as she warded off her tears by focusing on the image of Rafael waiting for her back at the apartment. "Do you mind playing a game? Maybe 21 questions? I need to take my mind off something."

If it was later at night, Olivia would have requested to listen in on Noah's bedtime story, but it was too early for that and she couldn't exactly ask for him to read to her without drawing any extra curiosity. So, she settled on the second-best option, which would hopefully lead to an immerse conversation about something trivial like whether Die Hard is a Christmas movie or not.

He proceeded with hesitation, unsure where this was coming from or what the "something" was. "Um... sure, Liv. Noah is still napping so he won't interrupt."

Olivia mentally set a standard for herself. For every question she asked or answered, she would remove an article of clothing. She hoped this would distract her enough to not be overwhelmed by the vulnerability of the situation and her reluctance to remove her cotton armor.

Olivia knew that undressing and putting on a gown shouldn't be this hard. That it shouldn't cause this much emotional strain to be naked for a couple of seconds. But she couldn't help it and felt weaker for it.

She decided that she needed to have his voice coax her through the first step. "You first."

Rafael, in between sips of his midday coffee, took a few moments to think what to ask. As their relationship got more comfortable over the years, the questions got more complex and weirder as they got to know each other better. "If you had to choose between being the first female pope or the first female president, which one would you choose?

She ripped off her sweatshirt and shirt before he finished talking, moving faster than a NASCAR racer to rip off the Band-Aid. Ava took each one as it was handed over. "I suppose... pope. Nobody hates the pope now, except, you know, everybody in history." Her slip-on shoes hit the floor with a soft tap. "Plus, I would have the job for life and get to live in Italy."

"Well, I hate to cut hairs here..." His mischievous smile was cut down a little by the reminder that his whole purpose now was to distract Olivia from something she was going through, which only made him take more time for humor. "Technically Vatican City is the smallest country in the world because it is an independent city-state. You wouldn't live in Italy. And, second of all... What? That's nonsense. I'd be President Barba in an instant."

She resisted the urge to give short responses, knowing that elaborating would help distract her mind. Discussing the classification of the Vatican is much easier than focusing on the fact that she would soon have someone touching her most intimate and recently violated parts. Parts of her that had been groped, torn, and bruised. She swallowed the saliva that had built up in her mouth and reset.

"Okay, but I would still live near Italy. With Italians. Eating Italian food." She hesitated before loosening the elastic band of the sweatpants. For obvious reasons, removing this garment felt more intimate and intimidating than the others. "And as for President Barba... of course you would."

Rafael wasn't sure what the pause was in between each sentence, but the intelligent man understood that he was here to entertain, to ease her mind away from something. Something that was bad enough that she called him for emotional relief. So he was going to provide it. "It's your turn. Or do you want me to ask another?"

Olivia couldn't determine if she would be more distracted by creating a question or by answering one, but she did know that it would be hard to craft complex ones while she struggled to keep her head on straight enough to answer his. "Can you just ask them? I'm sorry, it's just that... I..."

"It's okay. I don't mind." Something was definitely going on, and Rafael felt guilty while he tried to decipher the little noises he heard in the background.

"Would you rather live the rest of your life as a NYC pigeon, or... an indoor cat?"

"Cat, probably. I hate NYC pigeons." Olivia removed her bra – the same one she wore yesterday, and she had to try hard not to notice the small speckles of blood on it – and handed it to the nurse on the other side of the curtain. "Although I'm sure that being stuck inside all day would get boring quickly."

She quickly donned the gown at lightning speed to avoid any more unneeded exposure. She rounded the corner and reappeared in the main section of the room, her eyes meeting Fin's downcast gaze. He could no longer hear what Barba was saying, though, because Olivia took it off of speakerphone so that Rafael wouldn't hear the nurse giving instructions.

Rafael finished his coffee with an audible gulp. "Remember when that especially spiteful one took a shit on your blazer right outside of the courthouse?" Olivia could hear Rafael chuckle to himself as he fondly recalled the memory.

Ava, fully aware of what was occurring, whisper-asked Olivia to lie down on the green plastic surface of the examination chair. Her shaky legs barely managed to support her as she approached it, and Fin helped her wobble up on to it.

"I'll never forget him. At least he didn't target you, though. You'd have a meltdown over your silk tie."

He huffed in agreement. Rafael heard someone talk in the background but couldn't determine what was being said, despite his efforts, and the weird crinkle of paper muffled the noises.

The nurse lifted the gown to right below her bust and paused, camera in hand. Ava motioned for Olivia to mute the call briefly.

"Hold on, Rafa. Just a second." They could all hear the panic rising in her voice as she pressed the mute button. "What is it?"

"It didn't say in the file... I thought that this was a singular incident. I need you to change the forms a little, Lieutenant. There are more questions for long-term abuse."

She thinks my scars are part of the Utley assault...

An ineffable amount of embarrassment spread through her body like wildfire as she watched Fin's unsuccessful attempt to stop staring. He had never seen the cigarette burns that littered everywhere below her cleavage. Or the blowtorch burns that trailed eschar scars all over her arms. Or the ones he saw on the glimpses of her upper thighs, even though she swore Lewis never took her pants off.

Fin snapped out of it, bogged down with guilt, and stepped in before Olivia was forced into any more emotional distress. She had already huffed and snapped her body back against the chair in distressed irritation. "It's from a different incident. Not related." His voice was soft, quiet, and defeated. He was ashamed that she even had to differentiate her assaults, now that there were three of them.

"Oh. I see. That's okay. I can still document the injuries sustained to your abdomen, and just make a small note in the file." She saw the hot tears flowing down Olivia's cheeks, even though Olivia refused to look at anything else but the ceiling. "It's nothing to worry about, Lieutenant."

"Just get it all done with as fast as you can. Rush if you have to. I'm just about done with this."

Ava periodically raised and lowered sections of Olivia's gown for pictures as Fin played with her hair, as per request. He tried not to look below her face to preserve modesty, and Olivia appreciated it immensely. She kept her eyes trained into his when Ava asked her to spread her legs so there could be a photo of the bruising on her thighs and genitals, and Fin curled her locks around his fingers and wiped tears away when things got to be too much.

Finally, it was time for the swabs. Since Olivia was unconscious for an unknown amount of time, there would be anal, oral, and – what Olivia was most apprehensive for – vaginal swabs.

Still holding Fin's left hand while his right fluffed her brown tresses, Olivia maintained eye contact like he was a lifeline to another reality. A better one.

But she needed another lifebuoy if she was to stay afloat – drowning in this sea of despair was Serena's downfall, it sure as hell wouldn't be hers – and she remembered Rafael. The phone must have been muted this whole time, but the lawyer stayed silent patiently and didn't hang up.

"Fin?" He was standing close, so much so that Olivia whispered.

"Can you put Barba back on?"

"Of course." He reached over, unmuted the phone, put it on speaker with the volume low, and laid it next to Olivia's head.

When the nurse swabbed her cheek, she didn't wince. But when Ava guided her legs into the cold stirrups, Olivia couldn't control the stream of tears. She didn't know why. This wasn't nearly the most traumatizing experience she'd encountered – not by a longshot – but there was something so emotionally provoking that she couldn't describe it.

Having something, even something with such a small diameter, enter her so soon after what happened... it was unthinkable. Not to mention the use of a colposcope, which was a camera device nearly the size of a phallus, used to document internal damages. Combine that with the soreness and tearing... She almost wished that she had brought sleeping pills so she wouldn't have to go through any of this consciously.

She figured that trying to hide her tears would be more pathetic, so she just spoke without any delay. "Hey, Rafa."

"Liv... I... I can come get you. Where are you?" Rafael thought that maybe after the hard cast was put on, she went out to drink her woes away. He couldn't lie, her developing wine habits were beginning to shake his hard exterior even when he thought about it at work. Rafael started to look for his keys, about to check Forlini's for any signs of the distressed woman. "What are you doing?"

"I'll tell you later, Rafa. Just not now. But don't worry. Fin is here with me." Olivia's voice was interrupted by the weeping babbles that warp words while she squeezed his hand again, and he used his right hand to frame her face in a way that prevented her from seeing the nurse's movements in the periphery – only because he knew how much she hated to look. "I'm going to be okay. I want to talk to Noah. And you. I'm sorry we only got through two questions."

Her apologetic everything-is-my-fault mentality was beginning to set in, and Rafael had to put a stop to it.

"It's not a problem. We can continue when you get home, Liv. I'll go wake him up."

Olivia felt guilty for waking her son, but he had been napping for hours now and it was likely that he wouldn't go to bed easily tonight. Better to wake him up now before he woke up on his own.

She heard the incoherent babbles of a toddler get closer to the phone and her face wrinkled with a smile.

"Mommy!"

"Noah! How was your day with Uncle Rafa?" Her voice quaked when Ava combed through her short pubic hair, and she gasped when one of the hairs was pulled.

"I be seepin alllll day!"

"You've been sleeping? Did you have good dreams?" Her cheery voice might have been fabricated, but the relief that was caused by hearing her son's voice was real.

She didn't hear Ava's warning – or maybe she just doesn't remember acknowledging it – because the q-tip-like structure was suddenly moving along the inside of her rectum. It didn't hurt so much as it was uncomfortable, but she semi-silently groaned and involuntarily wiggled a bit at the brief contact.

"Da best! I pay wiff the biggest blocks!"

Another warning, and another swab. This one was vaginal. It wasn't as bad as Olivia had predicted, but then again, there were already tears streaming down her face so who really knew which tears were for what?

Rafael's heart lurched with each warped syllable, knowing that he couldn't do anything except talk her through whatever the hell she was doing. Was she drunk? Hurt? At least Fin was with her. Maybe she's at Fin's apartment, overwhelmed with the emotions of the past two days. Whatever it was, he was determined to get her home quickly, and into his arms. He could almost physically feel the vacancy there.

Ava motioned for her to mute herself – Fin pressed the button – once more, before giving a brief explanation of how the daunting device worked and the colposcope's purpose. Knowing that her patient wished to leave this part out, she also explained its importance in documenting any tearing.

"Mommy, you not 'spond. I ask if we facetime?"

The smaller part, that opens the vagina so that the camera can see inside, looked formidable. It was much smaller than anything Olivia used for personal pleasure – especially while entertaining thoughts of Rafael – but this was a completely foreign scenario. An unwelcome, but necessary, one. The vaginal swab, now resting in its designated tube, was thin. The entire purpose of this device was to stretch her walls.

Ava got confirmation multiple times – nonverbal wouldn't cut it, so Olivia had to choke out permission – before continuing.

"Not right now, my sweet boy."

Fin pressed the mute button again, knowing that the next part was most likely going to be embarrassing to Olivia. The metal felt cool against her as it slid in slowly – Ava had done this before and was an expert at rape kits by now – and did its job with efficiency.

Olivia couldn't stop the sobbing convulsions, as uncharacteristic as they may be. She wanted this thing out of her, to stop feeling this familiar pressure, but her resolve remained strong. Sensing that this needed to be done quickly, Ava moved the larger part of the machine and aligned it so that the pictures could be taken. Olivia squeezed Fin's hand with both of her own – even though it was not painful, the emotional toll was thoroughly exhausting on the mind – and he resumed the stroking of her hair. It took about two minutes to take and check the pictures, at most, but to Olivia it felt like an entire lifetime had passed.

Ava carefully removed the device, much to Olivia's relief, lowered her gown, and helped the woman sit up straight.

"You're all done, Lieutenant."

Fin's hands helped support her down from the examination table before moving to wipe away his own stray tears.


It was finally over.

That's all she could think as she put on her pre-packed replacement clothes, which weren't far away from just being pajamas, and exited the examination room. She knew, logically, that her battle with this trauma was actually still beginning. But the sense of pride in herself, for going through with something so daunting to her, was still there. She was going to let herself enjoy it just a bit longer, before the new reality set in.

As Olivia and Fin trekked through the long hallways, the windows no longer let bright sunlight shine through. It was almost dusk. She checked her watch, it was about 7:00. The process took every bit of the full four-hour estimate. Plus, she still had to get her hard cast, which was scheduled to take place in ten minutes.

She was aching to see Noah. To see Rafa. She was ready to go home.